Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Cheerleaders Are Coming For You...

...and they'd already be here if this book I'm reading about them wasn't so damn boring. "Cheerleaders: The Evil Lives!" has got to be the worst of the Cheerleader books and that's saying something. Without Kimmy's crimped black hair, this series is nothing. NOTHING, I tell you! Well, while I'm weeping over my Kimmy shrine (dirty tennis shoes topped with old black Barbie hair) I will also be writing. Almost there. Allllllllmoooossssstt.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Seniors #8 - Sweetheart, Evil Heart


Book Description:

Ty Sullivan thinks he's so hot. Especially since he's seeing three girls - all at the same time. And when Ty gets a valentine from the mysterious Amy, he decides to go out with her, too. But Amy isn't like the other girls... She's dead.

My Description:

We begin this tale of heartache and woe with Ty Sullivan bragging to his friend Mickey about what a stud he is. "I'm telling you, Mickey. I'm a wanted man." If you've read the other Seniors recaps on this here blog, you know that I loathe Ty Sullivan with the fiery heat of a thousand equatorial suns. Honestly, I can't remember why (I think it's mostly that he's a smug arrogant turd) but that doesn't matter. The hatred LIVES! Anyway, Ty is a jackass who is dating Phoebe Yamura, Trisha Conrad, and Marla Newman, all three of whom need their asses kicked to a pulp for letting this idiot manipulate them. (I'm not even on the third page and I'm already slamming my face into the wall. This one's gonna be a heartbreaker, kids.) Ty thinks about his gorgeous girlfriends and how awesome he is. This guy is in complete ORGASM over himself. "I am definitely at the top of Shadyside High's most wanted list." Kiss my white ass, Ty. Mickey tells Ty to watch out because Trisha already has a boyfriend, Gary Fresno, and he's a real badass. You can tell because he fights a lot and wears lots of leather and tight, scrotum-crushing jeans (I assume). Marla shows up a moment later so Ty hangs up on Mickey, checks out his hot bod (YACK!) in the mirror, and runs downstairs to meet Marla. They head up to the attic to "study". That's his idea of a date. Making out in a musty attic while his 11 year old sister is a room away. Seriously, I hate you, Ty. He rakes the 500 layers of dust off an old loveseat while Marla conveniently loses her balance and bumps into an old desk, knocking out an old valentine that's been waiting for this moment for years. Ty picks up the heart shaped card and reads the note inside.

Dearest Tyler,
I've been waiting so long for you. I ache for your kiss. Write to me or I will die. Bring your letter to the Shadyside Cemetery and leave it under the old elm tree near the Fear family tombstones.
Love, Amy

This chick is way dramatic. Ty assumes this was written to his great grandfather a long time ago because his grampy's name was Tyler. Ty thinks Amy sounds hot. WHAT ABOUT THAT LETTER WAS HOT? Marla decides to leave after giving Ty a "long, sizzling kiss". She also mentions that the Valentine's Dance is going to be at a craptacular club called Red Heat this year, but Ty doesn't really say anything because he has three girlfriends and can't exactly take them all. After Marla leaves, Ty fingers the valentine until the doorbell rings. It's Phoebe and she's curious as to why she just saw Marla driving away. He says she dropped off some biology notes (and her sloppy tongue). Phoebe buys it and the two have a Coke while Phoebe reads the ULTRA HOT valentine. Then they make out and Ty thinks about Amy the whole time. He seems to think the valentine is actually for HIM. How would anyone have gotten it into a desk in his attic? If it's a recent delivery, why does the thing look as old as Methuselah? But Ty doesn't give a damn about pesky logical questions. He just wants his woman. "Whoever she was, she sounded like a real babe." Define 'real babe'. Because I don't understand how you're getting that, sir.

A few days later, Ty is driving Trisha home in his kick ass Celica. They're just coming off a date on the Conononka River. Can you feel the romance? Me neither. Trisha brings up the Valentine's Dance, but Ty says they shouldn't go because it could cause trouble. Then Trisha says she recently had one of her famous visions. In this one, someone from the past was chasing her and Ty. He asks if the person's name was Amy, but Trisha couldn't see who it was and now she's all suspicious about who this AMY person is. If you only knew...that Amy is the least of your problems. Ty tells her about the letter and says he actually wrote back and put the letter in the cemetery for Amy. "Just as a goof, I guess." You guessed wrong. Amy is forgotten a moment later when Trisha realizes Gary is following them. Ty makes some twisty turns and loses the stalker, but not for long. At the next stop light, Gary pulls up behind them, jumps out of his car, and starts pounding on Trisha's window and screaming at her to get out of the car. Ty gets out and tells Gary to get lost and he does, but only because another car has pulled up and is honking its horn because stupid teenagers clogging traffic with their fighting and dirty love triangles are so annoying. Oh, but wait! Gary was only PRETENDING to walk away. He turns back and shoves Ty against the car before telling him "You'll pay for this." Two guys from the traffic piling up come and grab Gary before he can really mess Ty up. Trisha ends up leaving with Gary and Ty rushes home to eat before going to Marla's. He's received a letter from Amy, sent through the mail this time rather than the magical dusty desk portal.

Dearest Ty,
I knew you would come. I knew you were my soul mate. Nothing can separate us now. Not even a hundred years. Please bring me another note.
Love, Amy



The next day at school, Ty is messing around in the hall with his friends. They seem to enjoy talking about the fact that Ty might get caught with one girlfriend by another girlfriend. They're quite jealous of their jerky little friend. Ty spots Gary at the end of the hall. Gary gives him an evil look and mouths "You're a dead man." Yay for death threats! Ty's friends warn him to stay away from Trisha for the sake of his health. Then they run off because they don't want to be seen with a doomed bilge rat.

Ty hangs out at his house with Phoebe after school because he's afraid someone will see them together. Phoebe points out the newest decaying letter from Amy and they read it together.

Beloved Ty,

Your notes keep me alive, even though we're separated by so much time. I shall always be true to you, my dearest. Are you being true to me? I am ashamed to confess that I have a terrible, jealous temper!

Love, Amy

This should work out well for you, Ty. Phoebe thinks it's someone playing a joke (as any reasonable person would assume) but Ty doesn't believe it. Too much lovin' makes you an idiot. The two loveworms start kissing but are interrupted by the phone. Ty answers, but there's too much static to hear anyone so he hangs up. The phone rings again, Ty answers again, and when a voice says "It's Amy...Amy. Ty, can you hear me?", he hangs up. Phoebe leaves a moment later and Ty is left alone to think of Amy and the fact that she might be a wee pissed off if she knew about his other girlfriends. This is the closest he'll ever get to guilt.

That evening, Gary is driving Trisha home and wondering why she had to go around with Ty Sullivan. He thinks it's because he (Gary) is too poor for rich Trisha, but she denies it. Gary drives like a maniac, scaring Trisha until she finally screams that she'll never see Ty again. Trisha manages to make it home in one piece and finds a nice surprise waiting - a valentine that says "Stay away from Ty. He's all mine now." He's all yours, sister! Trisha has a vision of some guy with a bloody head wound and she knows it's either Ty or Gary. Someone is gonna die. Eventually. Probably. Hopefully.

At lunch the next day, Trisha tells Dana Palmer about her vision and they talk about Ty and Gary who Dana declares dangerous. Or dangerously stupid. After school, Trisha drives to Gary's house in the shitty part of town. She finds him in his garage and she warns him about her vision. He brushes it off by saying she'd like to see him dead because he's not good enough. Then he grabs her and says he'll make sure it's Ty she saw in that vision. Dammit, Gary, SHUT UP.

That night, Trisha goes to Waynesbridge with Ty. Because everyone in this book is a foolish twit. She tells him about her vision and Gary's reaction. Then she mentions the valentine and shows it to him. He freaks out because it's Amy's handwriting. After the two see a movie, they come out of the theater to find all four tires on Ty's car completely flat and a bloody dead rabbit with a knife sticking out of its chest in the back seat. Ty is furious because he believes Gary did it. "If Gary thinks he can scare me off, he's totally wrong. I'll get him for this!" Liar.

Ty calls a cab for Trisha and a tow truck for himself. After he gets his tires changed, he drives to Gary's place to get revenge for something he's not even sure the guy did. Ty accuses Gary, Gary punches Ty in the face because he didn't touch Ty's stinking car, and Ty leaves. The whole thing is over in about two seconds. Ty goes home to find a new note from Amy. "I warned you about my jealous temper." It's written on the back of a photo of Amy. She's wearing a cloak and bonnet and some emo sad eyes. Ty realizes Amy trashed his car and thinks NOW would be a good time to end the letter writing because this dead girl is getting crazy. So he writes her to tell her not to bother writing anymore because things are getting too intense and he's too much of a wuss to handle it.

At school the next day, Ty finds a note in his locker. A note written in thick, dripping blood. "You're dead. Love, Amy" She has a way with words...and blood. After school, Ty runs into Phoebe in the student parking lot and they make a date for later, assuming Ty is still alive later. Ty goes home to find yet another letter, this one informing him that his cruelty is unforgivable and his girlfriends will have to die along with him. Ty decides to write her in an effort to save his worthless ass. He apologizes and says it would be better if they stayed apart. But Ty can't resist being an asshole and ends the letter with "And please leave us alone." It's signed "Good luck, Ty" Good luck? She's dead, moron. I think that's a pretty good sign that her luck ran out a long time ago.

A little later, Phoebe comes over and they do that thing they do. Until they're interrupted by Marla who claims someone just tried to kill her. Ty doesn't care. He's more worried about making sure that Phoebe knows that Marla is only here for her biology notes, nothing else, nothing touchy or tongue-y.

The next day, Ty tries to convince himself that Marla was attacked by a girl gang. No comment. Absolutely NO comment. But Ty gets a slap in the face when Marla shows him the note she received. "I may be dead - but you are next to die. Stay away from him." In the cafeteria at lunch, he sees Phoebe who shows him her own note from Amy. "He's mine, not yours. I'll make sure you can't have him. Because you'll be dead - like me." Later, Trisha also shows him a note from Amy. "I warned you, but you didn't listen. You didn't stay away from him. You will pay - and join me with the dead." Trisha wants to know why Marla and Phoebe also got notes and Ty tells her it's all just a dumb joke and she believes it.

A few days later, Ty calls Trisha to ask if she wants to go to the dance with him, but she's decided to go with Gary. Then he calls Phoebe who tells him she can't go because she twisted her ankle at cheerleading practice. Ty thinks she's lying because she's afraid of dying and he hangs up to call Marla. She can't go because she's supposedly going to her grandma's birthday party that night. Ty is alone and oh how he regrets it.

It's now Saturday night and Ty has just showed up at Red Heat for the dance. Across the packed room, he spots a weirdo in a bonnet. Looks like Amy tracked him down. Old dead chicks have noses like bloodhounds...and Ty sure does stink. Amy vanishes before Ty can speak to her. Then he sees her standing near the balcony staring at him. He runs up the stairs, but the moment he reaches the top, Amy is back downstairs. Really? Are we really playing this game? I feel like I just stepped into some stupid Abbott and Costello movie. When Ty finally catches up to her, she attempts to kill him by throwing him over the balcony, but before that can happen, Ty pulls off her bonnet...and sees Phoebe. Then two more bonnet girls appear. Marla, Trisha, and Phoebe pulled this prank to get back at Ty for screwing them all over. All the letters were written by them. Ty feels like a total ass for believing that a dead girl was stalking him. He makes his way toward the door and spots ANOTHER bonnet girl. She slips out the door and Ty chases her.

Meanwhile, Trisha, Marla, and Phoebe are feeling a little guilty over crushing Ty and psychologically scarring him for life. Girls, your guilt is tainting my joy at seeing Ty practically cry and wet himself so kindly cut the shit. As they're talking, they realize that none of them planted the dead bunny or slashed the tires. They just figure some creeps from Waynesbridge did it for no apparent reason. They head to the parking lot to search for Ty. They find his bleeding body at the edge of the road. "Ty Sullivan was dead." WHAAAAAT?

Later, the police inform them that Ty was hit by a car. The girls feel horribly guilty as they talk to the detectives. They tell them about the joke, but the detectives don't find it funny, especially since one of the valentines was found in Ty's pocket. The detectives want to keep them for more questioning and the girls are terrified that they'll be blamed for Ty's death.

Trisha gets home a few hours later where she has a vision. In this one, she sees Ty running and calling Amy's name. Then he's slammed by a car which just keeps going after it hits him. Trisha decides to call Gary just to make sure he didn't murder Ty, but he never answers the phone. GUILTY!

On Monday, the halls of Shadyside High are filled with talk of Ty's death. Trisha can't stop thinking of her vision and who could have possibly killed Ty. She sees Gary and he gets pissed because she's still thinking about Ty even though he's now a dead man, but he quickly apologizes. He says he wants to show her something and leads her outside to the parking lot. It's a new red car...the same color as the car Trisha saw plowing over Ty. And it has a dent in it. Perhaps made by the fleshy body of a 17 year old creep? Gary says he "borrowed" the car and wants to take her for a drive, but she refuses and runs away. She runs all the way to the cemetery and finds Justin Thompson (resident nerd) there as well. Justin is acting very strange. He offers to walk Trisha home, but she declines and he says "I like you...a lot. I bet you didn't know that." It wouldn't be so odd if he wasn't trying to moisten his desert dry lips the entire time. When Trisha doesn't give in to his parched passion, he says she should be grateful to him for getting rid of Ty for her. "I had to kill him, Trisha. I did it for you, don't you get it?" Uh, no, no-one "gets it", oh crazy bespectacled one.

Trisha flees but trips and falls which gives Justin the opportunity to grab her by the throat and start to choke her. She pokes him in the eyes, he lets her go, and promptly trips, cracking his skull against a gravestone. Justin died because he was a clumsy nerd. I now fear for my own life more than ever.

After school on Wednesday, a memorial service is held for Ty. I guess they just dumped Justin's murdering ass in a shallow hole in the woods. They probably let a roving pack of feral dogs dig his grave. Trisha goes home afterward and finds an apologetic note from Gary. Trisha loves him again since she's sure he's not a murdering psycho. Gary "spontaneously" rides up on a blue mountain bike, the ride of choice for all badasses who desperately want to look less like hit-and-run killers. Gary ends up telling her that Justin loaned his car to him on the day that he died. Very useless information, boo boo.

On Friday afternoon, Trisha and Phoebe are walking home together. Phoebe wants to take a shortcut through the cemetery where Trisha nearly met her maker. They pass the headstone that Justin fell upon and Trisha is shocked to see the name on it: Amy Fear 1872 - 1890. The End...or is it? (No it isn't. This is Fear Street, after all.)

Conclusion? That ending is just VOMITOUS.

Next time: "Cheerleaders: The Evil Lives!" These damn cheerleaders are back to end the EVIL! for good.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

The Mind Reader


Book Description:

A bony hand beckons from a shallow grave... But only Ellie Anderson can see the skeletal hand. Ellie has visions -- visions of past secrets and future horror. Her visions have led her to the body of a girl who was killed two years before. Now her power may help her find the murderer...unless he finds her first!

My Description:

Ellie is visiting Alma's Coffee Shop (what about the damn Doughnut Hole?!) for a Diet Coke and a chance to talk to her BFF Sarah who works there. Both girls get distracted by a good looking guy who walks in and takes a booth. Ellie decides he's in college because he's wearing a sport coat with a denim shirt and jeans. So sexy, so mature. Sarah goes to take his order while Ellie drools all over the counter. Sarah comes back with a name: Brian Tanner. A few moments later, Ellie feels a desperate urge to get the hell out of dodge and far away from Brian Tanner so she runs off. Mind Reader AWAAAAAY! (For the rest of this book, I'm pretending Ellie is a superhero called The Mind Reader. Her mission: to protect the world from weirdos in sport coats and murderous males with a murderous gleam in their eyes and dried flakes of skin falling off their lips.

Ellie goes home and takes her black Lab, Chaz, for a walk. Of course they end up on Fear Street where Ellie mourns the fact that her visions make her life so much worse. She lost a friend and a boyfriend because of it. Once, when she was a kid, she saw her dog Jake being hit by a car and it actually happened. She found his little corpse by the side of the road. (Damn these tears!) Ellie decides it's time to go home, but Chaz isn't letting her leave so quickly. He brings her a strangely long bone and starts howling his head off, dragging her toward some bushes in the woods. Chaz has found what's left of a human hand. Good dog! You've just found your first corpse on Fear Street!


Ellie runs out of the woods and flags down a car filled with four stupid seniors from Shadyside High. She and Chaz hitch a ride to the police station where a condescending cop questions her story. Two words, buddy: DEAD PIG. Ellie is passed to another cop, Lieutenant Wilkins, who happens to be Sarah's father and he believes the story. In the woods, the cops find the big bone Chaz brought to Ellie. "That's no deer bone." What a relief. Ellie can't find the hand, though, and she gets a sinking feeling it was a vision. But she finally locates it behind a big rock because The Mind Reader is just that awesome. Sarah and a group of less important teenagers show up. Brian Tanner is also there standing off to the side and looking NOT AT ALL suspicious. He disappears a moment later. One of the officers finds a scrap of red fabric and Sarah collapses at the sight of it. She's fine a few seconds later but has no idea why she randomly passed out. Got a little something gnawing at your subconscious, Sarah? Don't deny!

The next day, some meathead named Frank Schuler comes running up to Ellie to talk about the night before. Ellie can't believe he's lowering himself to speak to her--he never has before. Frank's brain dead girlfriend Patty also gallops up to flap her floppy horse lips about Melinda, Sarah's older sister. Melinda disappeared and was supposedly wearing a red shirt the night it happened which explains why Sarah fainted when she saw the scrap of red. Ellie is fairly new to town and didn't know about Melinda. She runs to a pay phone to call Sarah's house, but no-one answers. Ellie decides it's Melinda's body in the grave in the woods. The Mind Reader don't need no damn evidence--she feels it in the gut...of her mind.

After school, Ellie heads to her job at the Shadyside Public Library. Brian (I keep typing that as Brain which we all know he isn't) shows up and asks if she can help him find a book on primitive weapons. He admits he could have found it himself, but he wanted an excuse to talk to her. Smooth. Or whatever the complete polar opposite of smooth is. They awkwardly converse and Ellie finds out that Brian attends Waynesbridge Community College and is quite possibly a creepy stalker based on the fact that he knows she's new to town. I wonder if Ellie's paranoia is marajuana based? Everybody in Shadyside knows everything about everybody else. It is their curse. So the fact that Brian knows she's new to town isn't surprising. He probably also knows her class schedule, her menstrual cycle, and what brand of toothpaste her father's cousin's sister's aunt uses. Anyway, Ellie finds a book on primitive weapons titled "Primitive Weapons" (what are the odds?!) When she pulls it from the shelf, she freaks out because in the empty space is a bloody knife! AIEEEE! It's only a vision, though. She lies and tells Brian her ear-drum-shredding scream was because of a mouse. She hands Brian the book and walks away. He calls her name, but she ignores him, locks herself in the office, and proceeds to lose her mind because she never told Brian her name. *sigh* Shut up, Ellie.

After work, Ellie walks in the dark to Fear Street to visit Sarah, but no-one is home. Ellie looks up and sees a grinning skull in the window. Apparently someone is home after all. Ellie hurries off to see if Sarah is at the coffee shop. As she's walking, Brian pulls up alongside her in his black rape Jeep and offers her a ride. He urges her to get in, but she has a bad feeling about this guy so she refuses and runs to the coffee shop. Ellie asks Ernie, the owner, where Sarah is and he says she never showed up for work. He walks off and frigging BRIAN pops up out of nowhere. Obviously his manly leather elbows are just too much to resist because Ellie is no longer freaked out by him and they talk. They have a few burgers before Ellie sees Lt. Wilkins walk in. She asks about Sarah and he says she's staying with her aunt for a few days. Ellie turns and sees that Brian is gone. Ernie says he dropped some money on the table and ran when he saw Lt. Wilkins. Verrrry interesting. Kind of. Ok, NOT AT ALL. We all know this jackass isn't guilty because he looks too damn guilty!

At home, Ellie finds her dad reading a newspaper with the headline 'Unidentified Body Found In Fear Street Woods' and tells him she found the body. He gets pissed because he doesn't want her involved. He hates the police because some psycho who should have been behind bars killed Ellie's mother. (He always told Ellie her mom died of appendicitis, of all things). They both have a cry and Ellie goes upstairs for a shower to wash away the sads. Oh, and the vomit she couldn't hold back. As Ellie is showering, she looks up and sees the bloody knife from the library. In the most awesome scene of the entire book, the sentient knife dives down in an attempt to stab Ellie. Blood is splashing everywhere (the knife is bleeding, dammit!) and suddenly Ellie hears her mother's voice. Her mom is trying to kill her from beyond the grave with a floating blooded blade? I'm in heaven. Of course that's not what's happening, unfortunately. A moment later, the voice, the blood, and the knife disappear and all Ellie hears is her father telling her that Brian is on the phone. Ellie tells him to tell Brian that she's gone to bed. She goes downstairs and asks her dad how her mother was killed (isn't it obvious, lady?) but he says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

At the library the next evening, Ellie clicks through the microfiche machine for a newspaper article about her mother's death. She was stabbed to death while two year old Ellie sat nearby in a stroller. The Mind Reader (who I'm beginning to think might actually be Brian which pisses me right the hell off) saw her mother die a horrible death but she was too young to remember or understand. Ellie suddenly has a vision and sees her mother saying "I love you" just before she died. SOB! (Seriously.)

After work, Ellie goes to Sarah's house because she believes she's there. Ellie knocks before letting herself in through the unlocked door. Sarah is lying on her bed, a complete wreck. The grave in the woods was indeed Melinda's and Sarah and her father are grieving hard. Sarah eventually falls asleep and Ellie takes the opportunity to snoop around Melinda's room. She has the beginnings of a vision but flees the house before she can see more. Predictably, Brian is waiting nearby and Ellie spills everything. Death and debilitating depression turn Brian on and he asks Ellie out. At first she refuses, but when he mentions rowing to Fear Island, she's all for it. Are these two completely deranged? They'll be near the place where Ellie found her best friend's sister's moldy remains and they're going to have a happy little picnic there? With any luck the free floating knife will nip that in the bud right quick.

On Saturday morning, Ellie sees a news piece about Melinda and learns that the cops are searching for her boyfriend Brett Hawkins. Ellie pushes it out of her mind: "Today is a day for fun." Yeah, good luck with that. Ellie and Brian (or is your real name BRETT? Hm? HMM?) drive to Fear Street Woods with Chaz the dog (a.k.a. the most intelligent being in Shadyside). They canoe. They kiss. They fill themselves with fried chicken and teenage lust. It's all funny sunny rainbows until Brian pulls out a knife to slice an apple and it looks like THE knife. This time it isn't a vision. Brian says it belonged to his grandfather, but Ellie only knows it from her nightmares. She says she needs to go find Chaz who has wandered off. Ellie gets Chaz and mentally talks herself out of seeing the knife as neon sign pointing to Brian as the murderer. They all get into the canoe and Ellie ends up in the drink a few minutes later. She panics because she feels something around her ankle pulling her down. Finally she frees herself and realizes Brian is nowhere to be seen. A fisherman is rowing toward her and then she spots Brian floating facedown in the water. The fisherman picks them both up (Brian is still breathing). Brian claims that he dove in to save Ellie, but the water was so dark with Fear sludge that he couldn't see her so he flailed around like a dying eel, grabbing Ellie's ankle in the process and nearly killing them both. Before Brian passes out he says he's supposed to be saving Ellie. He also says "Melinda" because SOMEBODY has to think of the dead girl.

Later, Ellie goes to the police station to see Lt. Wilkins. She's shocked at how old and shitty he looks. She asks about Brett Hawkins and mentions Brian, but Wilkins says he's never heard the name. "That meant that Brian must have muttered the name of a different Melinda. That meant all Ellie's fears about Brian were ridiculous." YOU BLOOMING IDIOT. Ellie's opinions on Brian change when Wilkins shows her a photo of Brett Hawkins--it's Brian. She tells him about her visions and mentions a buried knife, but decides not to mention Brian. YOU FEEBLE MINDED IMBECILE. He believes it all and they go to the woods where Ellie digs up a knife which Lt. Wilkins identifies as Brett's. FINALLY Ellie decides to tell him that Brett is going by Brian Tanner now and supposedly lives in Waynesbridge. Wilkins leaves and Ellie starts to walk home when she comes across a dirty Sarah who's wearing only a bath robe. She flips out and runs away when Ellie tells her about Brian. Speaking of Brian, he's waiting in Ellie's living room. "Ellie. Why did you show him the knife?" Because a person is DEAD, moron. After a bit of wrestling, Brian pins Ellie and tells her that, yes, he is Brett Hawkins...and that's as far as he gets because the police are at the door. Ellie runs to the back door because Brett tried to choke her when she went for the front. Lt. Wilkins is there and arrests Brett. Later, Ellie's dad passes on a message from a phone call with Wilkins: Brett escaped and is probably coming for you. Dad uses his last moments with his daughter to tell her that her mother had visions and she too was helping the cops with a case. She helped get a psycho killer arrested and in return, he brutally murdered her in broad daylight. Moral of the story: never cooperate with the law. Even after all that, Dad decides to drive her to the police station after all. YOU BLUNDERING CHOWDER HEAD. You spend all that time telling her that helping the cops will only get her slashed like her mother, but when she tells you it's her duty as The Mind Reader (irony: she's never read a single mind) you herd her straight for the slaughter. Worst. Father. Ever. Dad tells her to warm up the car, Chaz jumps out of the bushes and scares the hell out of her, and off they go! TO DIE.

At the station, Ellie conjures a vision...of blurry gold light. I've officially lost faith in The Mind Reader. A few hours later, after her father has gone to bed, Ellie sneaks out to visit Sarah who desperately needs psychiatric help (Lt. Wilkins = close runner up for Worst Father Ever). Sarah has locked herself in Melinda's room, but Ellie uses her muscle-y leg to kick the door open. The room is trashed and Sarah is pissed because Ellie dug Melinda up. Sarah hated Melinda because Melinda was perfect and their dad loved her more. So when Melinda decided to run away with Brett, Sarah helped her out and now blames herself for Melinda's death. Then Ellie has a vision about Melinda's grave and tells Sarah they have to go there because Melinda wants them to. Sarah grabs one of her dad's revolvers in case Brett shows up and the girls leave for the woods.

Once there, they start digging and come upon a gold button. At that exact moment, Brett steps out of the trees and says "What's that? Did you find the button?" Then the cops show up; a cop drove by and happened to see the suspicious teens in the woods and radioed Lt. Wilkins & Co. Wilkins is prepared to shoot Brett. but Sarah shoots Wilkins first. The gold button belongs to him...somehow Sarah figured out that Wilkins fought with Melinda about Brett and ended up shoving her. She hit her head and died so Wilkins buried her in the woods and tried to pin the whole thing on Brett. Make sense? Didn't think so.

Later, Brett tells Ellie that he's been on the run for a few years, but he was drawn to Shadyside because he saw Ellie in a vision. "I'm kind of like a mind reader. I have visions. Dreams--only I'm wide awake." Ok, that isn't mind reading. Why does this piss me off so much?! Oh, I know--BECAUSE THIS DAMN BOOK IS CALLED "THE MIND READER" AND NO-ONE READS A SINGLE FRIGGING MIND! Anyway, visions visions blah blah blah kisses FIN.

Conclusion? No mind readers in a book titled "The Mind Reader"? Stine just pwned us all...for which I will take hideous revenge.

Next time: "Seniors #8: Sweetheart, Evil Heart" Just in time for Valentines Day--hearts, candy, and a stupid arrogant asshole who's dating a dead girl and doesn't know it. HAHAHA!

Unrelated to Fear Street: an author (Josh Voyles) who actually WANTS my opinion sent me his new book, Sliver, for review.Step...away...from...Fear Street? I'M SCARED! (Review of Sliver coming soon in spite of irrational fear of real world.)