My Room Is A Dump...

...which is why I can't find my copy of "The Prom Queen" which I said I was going to do next. So which one of these would you guys like to see next?

- The Babysitter II
- Lights Out
- The Confession
- Cataluna Chronicles #1 - The Evil Moon
- Seniors #6 - The Gift

Vote in the comments, kids, and the reigning piece of dook will be the one to get it's ass torn to shreds on this here blogamajig. What a cruel fate. Oh well!

**UPDATE** Well, it looks like "Lights Out" takes the cake this time around. *gulp* Let's all steel ourselves for the "mystery" at Camp Nightwing...

Happy Shanksgiving

I am thankful for: turkeys with sexy tan lines. What about you?

**Also--happy birthday to me! Celebrating 22 years down the drain.**

High Tide

Book Description:

Adam Malfitano still has nightmares about the night his girlfriend, Mitzi, died. He sees the blood. He sees her in the water. He is a lifeguard and he can't save her. He wakes up screaming. Even worse, he has begun to see Mitzi while he is awake. He knows it is impossible...but she looks so real. He can see her face decaying. What does she want from him? Why won't she leave him alone? He tried to save her--doesn't she know that? [Obviously not, genius.]

My Description:

Part One

Adam and Mitzi are misbehaving on the ocean on a water...scooter? Never heard of it. "Talk about a great summer!" Oh Adam, I hate to crush your sunny-eyed optimism with the news that your girlfriend will soon croak, but yeah...she's as good as dead, dude. Anyway, Adam is a lifeguard who met Mitzi on the job. Mitz is a hot piece who gets wolf howls wherever she goes and Adam was no exception. He couldn't believe how hot she was: "Long blond hair, legs that went on forever, and a smile that almost knocked me out of the chair." Is that Mitzi up there on the cover? I think so and she doesn't look very tall or hot to me. In fact, she looks like a scared 12 year old who really wishes she hadn't taken a ride on the crazy man's scooter. Too late! Speaking of the cover, I think it's hilarious. I love how they're just speeding past the chick who looks like she's about to be eaten by Jaws or something. Anyway, Adam and Mitzi continue their joy ride until Adam says he has to head back to the beach for his shift. Unfortunately, they're hit by a couple of waves, Mitzi flies off into the water, and when Adam turns around to get her, he runs over her. The blood, the carnage...what a nice day. Adam sees Mitzi frantically splashing in the water, blood gushing from her huge head wound. He dives in to save her and ends up getting his leg sliced open by his beloved scooter. It's possessed by the spirits of everyone else you killed, Adam! So yeah, there's a scooter showdown and Adam wusses out and pulls himself and Mitzi down down down...

...and that was all a dream. A fucking dream. This is why I'm not sure you deserve to live any longer, Stine. Your only goal in life is to hurt people. HURT! *sob* You've made me a mental case with your damn dream sequences. Anyway, Adam wakes up screaming "We're drowning!" until his roomate Ian shakes him out of it. Adam calms down and looks around to see he's only in his apartment, not cutting his girlfriend's face off with a scooter. These nightmares started last summer after Mitzi died. Adam really DID slam into Mitzi with a scooter which lacerated her face, crushed her skull, and sent her to a watery grave. I know it was an accident, but did he receive any punishment beyond the constand psychological torment of knowing he killed his girlfriend? Oh well. It's only 6 am so Ian and Adam decide to try to go back to sleep. As Adam starts to throw his sheet back (he's still in bed) he completely flips out: "My legs! They're gone! My legs are gone! Help me! Ian, where is the rest of me?" They're under the sheet, you imbecile. Dammit, do I REALLY have to spend over 100 more pages with this dumbass?!

Adam goes to visit his psychiatrist, Dr. Thall. The good doctor listens to his maniacal patient's most recent issues and recommends that Adam quit the lifeguard thing and get the hell away from the beach for a while. Since Adam is the star of a Fear Street novel and has next to no working brain cells, he says he's staying put. After the session, Adam heads for the beach. *sigh* He's afraid he'll be late and a big scary lifeguard named Sean Cavanna will give him hell about it. Ok, Sean is just another lifeguard. He's not Adam's boss or supervisior or whatever so who the hell cares what he thinks? Apparently Adam isn't so scared after all because he stops to shoot the breeze with the girl he's been dating this summer. Her name is Leslie Jordan (save yourself, woman!) and she's really smart which means she's not as good looking as Mitzi. I'm not even gonna comment on that bullshit. They sit and talk for a bit before Adam says he's gotta go. He reaches the sand and freaks out because he sees Mitzi...or what passes for Mitzi these days: "Empty eye sockets stared back at me. Dark, empty holes in a gray-white skull. A skull. A skeleton's head with strips of gray flesh dangling from the gleaming bone. Shredded, rotting flesh. Mitzi cocked her head. Her rotting lips, black and peeling, drew back, exposing jagged, broken teeth." Do you still think she's hot, Adam? "Nooooo!" That's what I thought.

Part Two

As a treat, the first few chapters of part two are from Sean Cavanna. I can tell you're excited by the way you're walking away from your computer. Sean is lounging in his lifeguard chair, checking out some girl named Alyce Serkin. "Alyce is a major babe. She's hot!" Thanks for that absolutely useless bit of information. He sees that Alyce is packing up to leave so he jumps from his chair to run to her. What follows is a sickening exchange involving the words "You really are an animal." and a make-out session. Be still my heaving stomach. Sean asks Alyce if they're getting together later. When she says she has other plans, he goes a little psycho, grabbing her arm and saying "I'm warning you. I see you out with another guy, I'll kill him. I really will." Because murdering random people who MIGHT be giving your girl the side eye is always the right thing to do. Nothing too interesting happens. Sean plays his "episode" off as a joke and STILL won't leave the girl alone even though she obviously wants to leave. Finally Adam comes along and interrupts which pisses Sean off so he screams that a shark is a attacking a girl in an attempt to get rid of Adam. Obviously nothing is happening and Adam knows it. I hope Sean drowns...or gets eaten by a shark...or stung by a jellyfish on his private no-no parts.

Alyce leaves and Adam and Sean stand there like trees for a moment before getting back to their chairs. In the mean time, 10 people drowned because they weren't as special as Alyce's ass. Only joking...but that doesn't that sound like something that would happen with these incompetent slobs "on guard"? The guys talk about Alyce and then Sean shares an experience about an ex-girlfriend: "Cindy. Funny, sexy, a great dancer. Crazy about me. At least I thought she was. I actually thought we'd be together forever. She sneaked out on me with some other guy. We were supposed to go to the movies, but at the last minute she said she had something else to do. I knew she was lying. You can always tell, right? I followed her to make sure. I saw her meet up with this guy from school." Blah blah blah she sucks face with the guy, Sean follows them to an amusement park, and his rage makes him act like a gorilla gone wild. So he harrasses the guy constantly at school and finally takes him out to the woods and nearly beats him to death. Adam asks Sean why he's telling him this and Sean replies "Because I saw the way you were looking at Alyce." Alyce seems to really hate you...when she's not sticking her tongue down your throat. Never mind. I'm not analyzing their fucked up relationship.

Later, as Adam is jogging home, he keeps thinking about what Sean said. I don't wanna hear another word about SEAN. At home, Adam and Ian talk about hot chicks, order pizza, and brag about their dates for tonight. Adam is going to be cheating on the brainy Leslie with the Playboy pin-up Alyce. Ian...well, I don't really know what he's doing because all the focus is on lame ass Adam. Adam goes to take a shower (calm down, ladies) and as he steps out, the bedroom phone rings. He yells for Ian to get it, but Ian doesn't respond because Ian is as dead as a doorknob. Adam freaks out...until he sees that what he's looking at isn't Ian's lifeless body, it's just some crumpled clothes. What the hell? I'm really beginning to hate this book. The damn phone is still ringing so Adam picks up and it's Leslie. He tells her what just happened and she says he should be spending more time with Dr. Thall. Then she asks if he'd like her to come over, but he refuses because he has another dish on the side. He gets dressed, realizes he's still hungry (because 500 pieces of pizza just isn't enough), and throws out the rest of the pizza because it's cold. Maybe it's just me, but I love cold pizza. He picks up an apple and notices that it's, um, changing. "I was holding a green, rotting skull. I could smell it. Moldy and putrid with vacant eye sockets and shreds of skin dangling from stumps of black, twisted teeth. As I stared in horror, the wet apple jaws began to move. "Help me, Adam!" a hoarse voice inside the apple croaked. "Help. Don't let me drown!" Wet apple jaws?!? Am I really expected to take this seriously?!

Dammit, more from Sean. I think I'd rather listen to the apple. He's on his way to Alyce's place where he's sure to find something that'll make him quite upset. He pounds on the door screaming "You asleep or something? Wake up, babe! Time to party!" Somebody kill him. Kill him good. Alyce's roomate Kathy opens the door and informs the screeching idiot that Alyce is gone and she doesn't know where she went. This, like so many other things, enrages Sean and he heads for the local movie theater to see if Alyce exits with a guy. He nearly rips some poor guy's head off over a stupid parking spot before marching into the lobby to wait. Eventually Alyce comes out and she's with...it never says. I'm assuming it's Adam, but maybe Stine decided to mix it up a little and add another schlub to this mess. Anyway, Sean completely loses his mind and decides to beat the shit out of this guy. All over a girl who hates his guts. *sigh* He runs into Leslie and barrels past her without stopping to talk. Some teenager makes the mistake of getting in his way so Sean politely shoves the boy into some trash cans and proceeds to beat him bloody until Leslie runs over and begs him to stop. Now might be a good time to look into those anger management classes you've been putting off all these years, Sean, you damn douche.

The next morning, Sean is lounging in his lifeguard chair thinking about last night. After beating the hell out of that kid, Sean kindly gave him $50 to keep his mouth shut and sent him on his way. Tool. Finally Sean snaps out of his thoughts long enough to do his job; he sees that it's HIGH TIDE! and puts out the red warning flags. As he's doing this, he spots Adam flirting with a few girls who are all over him. What is this guy's appeal? He's like this potato chip I once found that kind of resembled Luke Perry--interesting to look at, but lacking in personality (maybe that describes the actual Luke Perry, too. I wouldn't know.) Someday that chip will grow old and stale and then what do you have? Nothing! Where the hell am I and what the hell am I talking about? Oh well...

Now we're back to Adam's point of view which is just awful. As I said before, he's flirting with some gutter skanks named Joy and Raina who seem to have some kind of freakish obsession with him. Ian joins them and they all have an incredibly vapid conversation about boats and Shadyside High which is how these girls know Adam. They used to think he was sooooo hot, but never had the courage to talk to him. Give me a break. Gary Brandt, Shadyside's favorite man whore, is also mentioned. I think this walking STD shows up in every book. Ian gets bored and wanders off while Adam makes a "date" with Joy and Raina for 7 pm at the Sea Shanty. Nothing like a good shanty to turn the ladies on. The girls take off and Adam turns to see a furious looking Sean heading for him. But then Sean turns and runs away for no reason. I am completely over these idiots. Adam gets back to his post and dear sweet merciful Poseidon, there's a rogue water scooter on the ocean! With a phantom driver! Never mind. It's just another one of Adam's hallucinations.

Later, Adam visits Dr. Thall who, like all psychiatrists that pop up in Fear Street books, has absolutely NOTHING useful to say but encourages future visits because his fat chunk of change ain't fat enough. Flash forward to 7 pm--let's all head on down to the Sea Shanty! Yeeeeeee hawwww! Please kill me. Adam sits down to eat with Raina and Joy after dancing for a while. At one point, he looks up and spots Leslie. Remember her? The GIRLFRIEND? She walks over looking totally pissed, tells him off, and shoves him into the table before storming off and yelling "You hurt me, Adam! And I'm going to find a way to hurt you back!" I look forward to it.

The next day, Adam and Sean get in a little tiff. Sean attempts to impale Adam with one of the high tide flags, but alas, he misses. A few moments later, Joy and Raina come running over to make fun of him for cheating on his girlfriend. I hate these airheads. To make this wonderful day even better, Adam gets distracted by some kids arguing over a red bucket and when he looks back, Joy and Raina are being swept under by the waves. If this is another hallucination, I'm smashing someone's face with a hammer. They're out there drowning so Adam gets his Baywatch on (heaving Pam Anderson boobs not included) and begins running out to them. He's pissed because Sean is nowhere to be found and keeps blowing his whistle as if that'll work. He grabs Raina and Joy pops up, panics, and starts clawing at him like he's a damn scratching post. Forgive me for laughing while Adam screeches like a girl and attempts to get away from her before she drowns him. He manages to swim away with the unconscious Raina who miraculously regains consciousness when they reach the coast. Adam swims back to find Joy, but apparently she's already drowned. You suck, Adam.

Part Three

Adam has just awakened from a dream and is, as usual, shocked to find himself in his apartment instead of dying on a beach somewhere. He begs Ian to tell him that Joy didn't drown after all but of course she did. "I've killed another girl!" Looks that way, don't it? Ian tries to calm him down, but Adam says he just wants to be alone so Ian reluctantly leaves. Why couldn't he be the main character in this farce? He's actually a pretty decent guy. Unfortunately, you don't get your own Fear Street book unless you're a psycho or just a total dumbass. Adam lays around for a while thinking about what a filthy murderer he is before getting up for a bowl of cereal and listening to some heavy metal. Then the phone rings. *sigh8 "Adam, you're going to pay for what you did to me. I promise you. You're going to pay soon." It appears Leslie has gone totally Fatal Attraction. Adam thinks it has to be either Sean or Leslie, both of which would like to castrate him. But then he brushes it off as a prank call. Yeah, that won't come back to bite you in the ass. Fool.

Later, Adam decides to go jogging. At night. After someone just called to threaten his life. If you got any smarter, Adam, your head would explode. He runs along the beach (yet another "D'oh!" moment) but stops when he sees a figure emerging from the fog. It's Joy's mother f*&^ing ghost. She disappears after stating the obvious: "Adam, you let me drown!" No shit, Grossilocks. Adam is actually relieved it was just an hallucination, but when he glances down he sees Joy's footprints in the sand. "Since when do hallucinations leave footprints?" Since the Hallucinations Act of 1995. No, I don't care if that made no sense. I've come undone!

Back at ye olde apartment, Adam is busy losing his freaking mind over the footprints. Finally he wears himself out and goes to bed. But what would a night be without dozens of horrible nightmares? He dreams about the sccoter heading straight for Mitzi, but this time it isn't him at the wheel; it's some stranger whose face he can't see clearly. Mitzi dies as usual and Adam wakes in a sweat, relieved that for once, HE didn't kill Mitzi. No comment. Suddenly he spots someone at the foot of his bed! It's...just Ian. They both fall asleep. (No, not in each other's arms.)

The next morning, the rain is pouring so the beach is closed to swimmers and such. Adam is relieved that he doesn't have to work and gets up for a shower and his morning gruel. Unfortunately, the food supplies are running low so Adam decides to eat at a local restaurant...the one where Leslie happens to work. Before he can leave, though, he gets another call. Ooooo. The creep just tells him to be careful and he'll find out soon what Creepy wants. Ew. Anyway, Adam finally gets to talk to Leslie and is pretty much shot down. Then he mentions Joy's death, Leslie brings out a newspaper, and Adam is shocked to see that there is no mention of it whatsoever. Was Joy always a ghost? Does anyone besides Adam care? Is the fact that I'm paying more attention to an episode of The Simpsons than this book affecting this review? (Probably, no, and most definitely. GO HOMER!) So Adam starts his usual freak out (this guy spend 95% of his life in state of hysteria) and runs away, finding himself at the Boardwalk (down by the seeeaaa...come on, sing with me! It dulls the pain.) He sees foggy Joy again and repeatedly tells her he tried to save her which is kind of a lie, but she disappears. Pointless much? He goes home and finds a interesting surprise. "A butchered sea gull. Its head chopped off. Its body ripped open. It's feathers slick with blood." Oh, and there's a friendly note: "This is you. You're next." Why couldn't the psycho have spared the innocent bird and went right for Adam? Why are the animals always caught in the crossfire?! *sob*

The next day, Adam is back at the beach and Raina immediately runs up to him and tells him to meet her tonight at the dock. She runs off and Adam takes his post. He attempts to make conversation with Sean for some reason, but Sean completely ignores him. Adam keeps on talking, though, because he's such a lonely boy. Sean interrupts with "It's my break time. Be back in twenty minutes." Good riddance.

Later, Adam trudges home, gets some water, and turns to find someone standing in the doorway holding a butcher knife. Run on home, Michael Myers. Even you don't deserve this kind of torture. The intruder attempts to stab Adam, but he runs into his bedroom where the guy slashes up his bed and pillows instead. Yeah, it's Sean. Adam wants to know what the hell is going on. Turns out Sean wants IAN'S head on a stick, not Adam's. Ian has been sneaking around with Alyce. So instead of trying to murder the guy, why don't you go have a talk with Alyce? I didn't think Sean and Alyce were officially a couple anyway so what the fuck does he care? Plus, teenagers never have sex. Ian and Alyce are probably just building birdhouses or something. Adam is shocked to hear the news (I don't know why. Ian is the only guy around who acts like he has any damn sense. No wonder Alyce wants him over Sean or Adam) and wants to know why Sean has been harrassing him instead of Ian. "Because he's your roomate." Heaps of logic. Adam finally gets this nut out of his apartment by promising to talk to Ian.

Ian comes home a little while later, but instead of telling him to take a plane to Mexico and hide until Sean decides he doesn't wanna murder him anymore, Adam says he's got to go meet Raina and leaves. You couldn't AT LEAST warn the guy that someone wants to kill him? People like you disgust me, Adam.

So now we're at the dock. Oh how I'm dreading this shit. Raina says she owes him an apology. "Actually, we BOTH do." Just as she says this, Joy comes walking down the dock. Adam, I fear you are screwed, buddy. Turns out the whole drowning scene was an act and get this shit: "It was Dr. Thall's idea. He asked us to do it. He asked Ian to help, too." You have GOT to be kidding me. I told you this "doctor" was a piece of shit. I doubt he's even a real doctor. Grrr. There's some more crap about Dr. Thall which causes Adam to go crazy and jump on a water scooter tied to the dock. As he's riding along, he sees Ian riding on a scooter and this triggers a memory for him. He stops and Ian comes riding over. Another showdown at the Shithead Corral. Adam remembers what actually happened that fateful summer Mitzi died: Ian borrowed Adam's scooter, took Mitzi for a ride, and Mitzi never returned. Ian ran over Mitzi with the scooter, rode back to the dock where Adam confiscated said scooter to search for Mitzi, and Adam went berserk and convinced himself that HE had killed Mitzi. How stupid and painfully convoluted. Anyway, Ian guns his scooter toward Adam who flies into the water. I guess he's trying to kill him because he knows too much. *snort* Somehow Ian ends up in the water with a broken leg and Adam pulls him to safety. An ambulance arrives a little later and drives away with the busted Ian while Adam walks along the beach until he comes upon Alyce and Sean. They talk a little about what happened before Adam starts walking to his apartment. Once there, Leslie comes to visit and they make out. The end.

Conclusion? Normally I'd be pissed that I wasted so many precious minutes on something so crappy. But this thing is so lame and boring I just feel sorry for it.

Next time: "The Prom Queen" Dead girls in prom dresses. How sad.

When Nobody's Home: Fifteen Baby-Sitting Tales of Terror (Part Two)

Here are the next 10 stories. Yes, 10--either somebody lied or somebody just plain can't count. Warning: these are PAINFUL. Shitty parenting and completely nonsensical situations abound. The bright side? Most of them are freaking hilarious (sadly, it's not intentional).

#8 - Sitting in Egypt

This is a TRUE STORY (yeah. And I'm Barack Obama.) It's 1981 and our narrator is 10 years old and being baby-sat by her awesome cousin Pete and his less awesome friend Morgan. These lucky ones are hanging out in Cairo because unnamed narrator's dad works for the U.S. government and he's on a TOP SECRET! mission. Uh, so why did he drag the kids along? Just another reason why I scoff at this being a TRUE STORY. Anyway, Pete and Morgan are getting tired of lounging around a cushy hotel room day after day so they decide they'll spend a night in a pyramid. "Out of respect for the tombs and for the ancients who had built them, they would carry neither food nor drink along with them and would take away no memento, not so much as a chip of stone or clay. They had studied the routines of the guards so they knew just how and when they could manage to elude them." I'm sure NOTHING will go wrong. Damn kids.

So one evening, they take the last tour of the day of one of the pyramids, hide, get caught by a guard, attempt to bribe guard, and get thrown out. That went smoothly. On the walk back to their rooms, Pete and Morgan recite some lines in Arabic for no reason other than to amaze the little cousin with their mad language skillz. Alas, 10 year olds don't give a damn about that. When they finally reach their...housing (I'm really unsure as to where these little creeps are staying. I thought it was a hotel, but now I think it's a private residence although why would a TOP SECRET GOVERNMENT AGENT! have a house here and not in the U.S. where his SECRET AGENCY! is based? I think he lied to his poor offspring. He's probably just a goat herder or something.) they learn that the president of Egypt has been assassinated and the pyramids "once closed and locked that night, did not open again for two weeks."

Conclusion? Lame! Almost getting trapped inside a pyramid is not scary. Talk to me when they actually get their asses locked up.

#9 - Sit!

Isabella is an American girl in Rome, a college student spending a year abroad, a magical enchantress. Seriously, the word 'enchanting' is getting a LOT of use here. She meets a sexy Italian man who is positively ENCHANTED with her (as is all of Italy. Gag me, Mary Sue.) and invites her to tea with him, his mother, and his grandma. "In old-fashioned families in Italy, such an invitation announces that the young man wishes to marry the young lady." Are you bullshitting me? He just met her like five seconds ago! Anyway, during tea time, Isabella excuses herself to use the bathroom and everyone acts as if she just confessed to eating babies or something. One of the sexy Italian guy's female cousins escorts her to a room with no toilet, just a sink and a shower because she assumed Isabella just needed to wash up. Instead of correcting her, Isabella goes inside and whizzes in the sink. Way to go, you filth. No wonder other countries hate Americans! Unfortunately, Isabella's plan backfires when the damn sink rips out of the wall and Isabella slams her head and has to be taken to the hospital. Ok, that's hilarious.

In spite of her disastrous first visit, Isabella is invited back and she accepts. Personally, I'd be so embarrassed I'd have trouble coming out of my room for a while. If ever. Anyway, everything seems to be going well...until Isabella once again proves she's a total fuck up by sitting on one of the grandmother's little dogs, killing it. NOOO!

Conclusion? That had absolutely nothing to do with baby-sitting. And it was also labeled a TRUE STORY. Stop your lies, Judith!

#10 - Toads and Slime

Sounds delicious. The child star of this story is 5 year old Gertruda (WHY?!) and she is a royal brat. Her brattiness gets her in trouble with a nasty adult standing in line behind her and her mother at the supermarket. The adult gets pissed because Gertruda is twisting her (Gertruda's) hair. So? It's HER hair! When the almighty adult tells her to stop, Gertruda sticks her tongue out thus incurring the wrath of the monster: "From your mouth, you rude little girl, will come forth toads, newts, and other creatures every time you open your lips to speak. And from your hair, every time you touch it with your hands, will come snakes, bats, and other flying creatures. And you will be called Toads and Slime. This curse will remain until someone can love you in spite of your loathsome issue!!!" What kind of shitty witch casts spells in the grocery store? What kind of witch even USES the grocery store?

So our little Toads and Slime grows up to be a woman who never speaks and never touches her hair. Not even to wash it? Hello, greaseball. One day, Toads and Slime gets called to watch some orphans because the entire community is too repulsed by them to help out. These kids are siblings whose parents died a few years back and they've basically been supporting themselves somehow. The town doesn't even allow them to attend school. This situation is completely ridiculous so I'm moving on before my head explodes.

Things go smoothly until Toads and Slime gets the hiccups one night at dinner. This triggers the curse and toads, slugs, and snails come pouring out of her mouth and all kinds of crap comes out of her hair when she grabs her head in surprise. After quite some time of this, the kids write to a judge or something and request that her curse be lifted. Instead of lifting it, the court simply makes the things that come out of her mouth prettier (i.e. butterflies).

Conclusion? That was ridonkulous.

#11 - Double Pay

Our narrator (apparently Judith can't be bothered with names. She's too busy peeing in sinks and almost getting trapped in ancient Egyptian pyramids. *snort*) is 13 years old and recently orphaned. Her aunt Rose has taken her in, but only because old Rose feels obligated. The narrator (I'm going to call her Jane baby-sits and gives the money she earns to Rose. Rose normally monitors all the jobs Jane takes, but one Thursday evening when Rose isn't home, a man calls. "...a man with a whisper so creepy it made my hair crawl [What?], a man who said he needed a sitter in half an hour; and I said yes." The guy actually comes to her house to get her and of course he looks just as creepy as he sounds. At this point, I'd be diving out of the car into the highway just to get away from him, but Jane stays put. He lives in a newer subdivision, but his house looks more like something you'd find on Fear Street (yeah, Fear Street, you TAKE it!) The inside isn't much better; the living room holds only a sofa and a bare lightbulb, the entire place smells of wet cement, and it's freezing. The man's wife is just as strange as he is, giving Jane freaky looks instead of actually speaking to her. The man leads Jane to the baby's room. Baby is asleep and Jane notices it's awfully scrawny. They leave after telling Jane they'll be back in two hours and not to worry about the baby because he never wakes in the night. Parents of the year.

Jane settles down to start her homework and not long after that, the baby begins to cry. "He never wakes in the night." Liars! She picks him up and notices that he reeks of urine even though his diaper is dry and that he's not very pretty: "Poor little guy. He was the ugliest baby I'd ever seen, skinny with a long thin neck and bony head, no hair, and big staring eyes." He cries for hours before finally falling asleep. Where the hell are the parents? Two hours my ass! Jane dozes off and when she wakes, the freaky father's big fat head is about two inches from her face. He pays her double because they were late in getting back.

The next afternoon, Jane takes a detour on her way home from school. She walks to the odd family's neighborhood, but doesn't see their house anywhere. She ends up asking a woman passing by about the family and the lady has something shocking to say: "[The house] was there. It burned down three years ago. There is some sort of court case to settle before anyone can build there again. It was awful. Two babies died in the fire. It went so fast. One less than a year, the other nearly three." The woman goes on to say that the parents were creeps who often left the babies alone and on the night of the fire, they were killed in a car accident on the way home. Cursed much?

Nearly a year passes before Jane hears from the man again. "Thank you. My wife and I both thank you. Can you come tonight to comfort our three year old? It won't be for long, not so long as last time. The baby suffered terribly for such a long time. But our daughter lasted only a little while."

Conclusion? This has given me a severe case of the sads.

#12 - Cat-Bit

First we had "Doglicks" and now we get "Cat-Bit". Hopefully the animal fares better in this one. Anyway, the first lines of this story crack me up for some reason: "Ask not my name, age, sex, nor previous condition. Nothing is as it was. Oh yes. I had power. I believed I did, believed, too, that I knew about cats. I believed I possessed them. I believed I owned them." I think I met this guy at PetSmart. Some fool has asked him to pet/house sit (once again, Judith is playing fast and loose with the term 'baby-sit') and he agrees because they have an awesome beach house. I hate them already.

He wakes on his first morning in this house to the sweet sound of a cat growling beneath his bed. As soon as he gets out of bed, the crazed beast flies at his feet and starts gnawing at his ankles. He goes to the doctor, but something is happening to him that no doctor can cure. To make a short story even shorter, he turns into a cat himself. The most hilarious line in this entire book: "I type now with a paw these final words before I return to my master in my new life. I study. I learn. And I warn you. Do not stand between me and any door or window I need for my escape."

Conclusion? A cat typing up threats? Comedy gold.

#13 - Three Brothers

Three brothers live with their dad in a crummy apartment on the bad side of town. One night, the father has to cover for someone at work who is sick which means the kids will be left alone (did you think he'd call a baby-sitter? Not in a book about baby-sitters!) Before leaving, the father commands them to keep the door locked at all times no matter what. The kids play a while before getting ready for bed. Suddenly there's a pounding on the door and a voice calling out to them. They crowd around the door and the oldest brother peeks out the peephole. There stands a man with arms full of food who says he's their great-uncle. A man they've never seen before just happens to randomly show up in the middle of the night just after their father leaves them completely alone. Sounds fine to me, kids, open up and chow down! And that's exactly what they do. *sigh*

The youngest kid hides in his bedroom while his brothers eat and play cards with Great-uncle Chester. After a bit, the living room goes dark and the only sound the youngest brother hears is a cracking noise. He asks what it is and Chester says he's just cracking peanuts. What is that a euphemism for? Then the lights comes back on and the younger brother hears his brother's voices again. A moment later, the dark comes and the cracking begins again. This time, Chester commands the youngest brother to come out and get him some coffee. The boy sees that Chester is actually a giant demon tiger. Yes. A demonic tiger. Chew on that one. Chester the demon tiger (pause for laughter) tells the boy that he is the only one who can see Chester's true form. "You see me as I am, a demon tiger twelve thousand years old!" Why a demon tiger? Why can't he just be a regular demon? Oh well.

Chester confesses he's eaten the other two brothers, but he won't eat the youngest because he's special. The boy says he wants his brothers back and Chester grants him that. Suddenly the brothers are sitting on the couch and Chester is gone.

Conclusion? Two words: demon tiger. That's all I have to say.

#14 - That Knocking on the Wall

Tara doesn't like sitting for disorganized, messy families so she's really dreading the job she's currently headed to. Once she arrives, the mother (Mrs. Beale) basically flees the house. It warms my heart to see a mother run from her children like they're nothing but demonic tigers. The kids are napping so Tara settles down to do some homework. A little later, she hears a banging noise, but doesn't assume it's the kids because they never make noises like that. Really? She searches for the source of the loud banging, but finds nothing. After the kids wake up, Tara dresses them, gives them a snack, and sits back to listen to the incessant pounding. Eventually, she decides to call the cops. An officer arrives and looks around outside, but all he finds is a jacket and a pair of boots on the side porch. Turns out someone is inside the freaking chimney. Don't ask how or why because no-one explains or seems to really care at all. "There's someone's feet with socks and no boots up there in the chimney. I can't see the hands or head, but that's who's pounding. Lucky for him and for the fresh air of your people's house that he won't be alone in there for a month." Huh?

Conclusion? Another TRUE STORY. No comment.

#15 - A Sitter and a Find

Our narrator (who will never be named so I'm calling her Rose) is dreading her upcoming sitting job for the Lombar kids because they're total maniacs. The worst part is that Rose will be watching the terrors in their uncle's auction house (giant plot contrivance); she has to chase them, make sure they don't kill any customers, etc. When she arrives at the auction house, she takes a moment to look at all the goods and buys a small toybox. On the side of the box is written "The children's box. Always room for more." The kids run up then and fight over the box that doesn't belong to them. Suddenly the box flies open and two hands pull both boys inside. REVENGE! When their mom arrives to pick them up, the box pops open and the kids fly out and run off like they weren't just locked in a box for hours.

Conclusion? Zzzzzzzzzz...

#16 - My Guardian Angel

Let's just get this out of the way--the unnamed narrator is now named Meg. Anyway, Meg goes downstairs and into the kitchen where some shit happens that I don't get: "On one of the burners, back to me, was a pointy-butt creature sitting there in the flame with its bare feet resting on the other burner while it toasted marshmallows on my grandma's antique silver serving fork." Judith, if you tell me what you're smoking, I can get you help! *sigh* The creature turns and it's a total freak of nature...a freak of nature that has pretty much completely caught fire at this point. Meg asks what he's doing here and he says he was here first and tells her to get out and go back upstairs. Uh, what the hell is this thing? It's described as having wings, purple-green skin, huge ears, long face, and an extremely bony body. Supposedly he's an angel. An angel who looks like a mutated version of Golom and has a marshmallow fetish? I...I mean...it...WHAT? It only goes downhill from there. The last lines of the story: "Today there was a parade and the angels gave each of us a piece of paper and told us to sing because it had arrived, Heaven on Earth. Hoboy." Um. Hoboy? WHAT?!

Conclusion? *crickets*

#17 - New Sitter

Remember the wraparound story? Well, Hane(s) is now tucking the kids into bed after scarring them for life by allowing to read her folder of sordid stories.

It's over. I survived. This has to be one of the craziest books I have ever read. Demonic tigers, alien angels, dead children, dead animals, cats that can type, giant pythons, stories completely unrelated to ANYTHING this book is supposed to be about...is this a nightmare? Am I on a bender?

Fun fact: according to the back cover, this is an ALA Notable Book for Reluctant Readers, a fact I find hilarious because I should think that after reading this, they would only be MORE reluctant...

Next time: I'm heading back to familiar territory--"High Tide" by R.L. Stine (or least one of his many ghostwriters). This book looks shit-tastic, but there's no way it can be worse than the tripe I just read. I pray.