The Confession

Book Description:

All Julie's friends hated Al. They all wished Al were dead. But that doesn't mean one of them killed him. [Yes it does.] Julie knows her friends. She knows they are innocent... Until one of them confesses. Julie and her friends promise to keep the killer's secret. After all, they know he would never kill again. Or would he?

My Description:

Part One

We begin with Julie asking questions that no-one wants to answer: "What would you do if one of your best friends took you aside and said he had a confession to make? What if your friend confessed to you that he killed someone? And he begged you not to tell anyone. He begged you to keep his horrible secret. What would you do? Tell his parents? Call the police? Try to convince him to tell his parents? Tell your parents? Or keep the secret?" That's a lot of questions, Julie. Luckily I have an answer that covers them all: I would tell my stupid friend to read this book. I'm sure it's full of great ideas on how to keep your murdering ass out of jail. Anyway, Julie thinks back on a fateful day last May...

Julie and her friends Hillary Walker and Taylor Snook (yes, SNOOK.) are just hanging out at Julie's house after school. It's a lovely day in the neighborhood so they're outside sunning themselves. Taylor asks Julie if she's ever sunbathed nude and gets pissed when Julie says "You mean in the backyard?" even though it's obvious Taylor was talking about the beach. DUH! Yeah, Taylor's a bit of a bitch. After a while, they go inside for chips and Mountain Dew (NO COKE?!?! NOOOO!) and gossip about boys, namely Vincent Freedman and Sandy Miller. Vincent is Julie's friend, but she's got a raging passionate crush on him. Sandy is Taylor's boyfriend which automatically makes me hate him. Then the girls start talking about a party that Reva Dalby (if only I could forget her) is throwing. Since Reva is disgustingly rich, the party is going to be epic and the girls are excited because they managed to get invited even though they hate Reva. Everyone does, after all.

As they're gabbing their lives away, someone barges into the kitchen. It's just some dirty diaper named Al Freed. Al is bad news, baby. He's big, blond, and tough looking. He used to be a part of Julie's circle of friends until he started hanging out with some "hard dudes" (that is one of the gayest things I've come upon in these books. HARD DUDES!) from Waynesbridge. He reminds Julie of a vulture. Hawt. Al lamely flirts with Taylor, pausing every few minutes to take a gulp of beer and expel gas through his bird beak. When he's done, he throws his can into the sink because to walk two feet to the trash can would be something akin to death, apparently. Julie asks him why he's here and he says "You're my favorite, Julie. You're the best." He goes on to say that Hillary and Taylor are trash and then asks Julie for $20. She says she doesn't have it and he reponds by lighting a cigarette and tossing his used match onto the floor. *sigh* Julie tells him to get the hell out, but he doesn't budge. "How about if I burn a little hole in the table, Julie? Do you think you could find twenty bucks then?" Ass. He finally starts harrassing Hillary until she gives in and hands him a twenty.

Al finally flaps away and Julie's mom comes home. She finds Al's lit cigarette on the floor and his empty beer can in the sink and gets pissed at Julie for letting him bring those things in. "Julie, you're grounded for the weekend." Julie completely flips out because she'll miss Reva's party and she'll just DIE, I tell you, she'll DIE! Julie rants and raves like a madwoman, but her mom doesn't give a damn. Julie thinks about Al and wishes he were dead. Fortunately for her, that wish will soon come true.

So Julie misses Reva's party and it makes her sick. It's now a week later and Hillary and Julie are walking to Sandy's house after school. Hillary is STILL talking about how awesome the party was. Rub it in a little deeper, Hil. Anyway, they start talking about Sandy and Hil says he's kinda pathetic, always following Taylor around like a puppy even though she flirts with other guys right in front of him. Hillary even saw her dancing and making out with some guy at the party. Poor stupid Sandy. Oblivious to the fact that his girlfriend is a dirty skank. Or maybe he's just in denial. Either way, he needs to dump the trash. Julie's dumb ass actually says that maybe Hillary is being too hard on Taylor and maybe being with Taylor is good for Sandy because it could pull him out of his shell. Shut up, Julie. Why are you even defending Taylor? She treats everyone including you like dog shit! Grrrrr. Never mind. Hillary changes the subject to Al "HARD DUDE!"Birdboy who recently borrowed her car even though he can fly. The reason she feels compelled to give in to him? He got her the answers to a chemistry test and he keeps threatening to tell her uptight parents about it if she doesn't do what he wants. Who the hell cares? I would rather have my parents angry at me than have some dumbass blackmailing me! Oh well. Al will be dead soon. I need to remember that.

Hillary and Julie arrive at Sandy's house. He answers the door with "Did you hear about Al?" Oooooo! They go inside and spot Taylor and Vincent sitting on the couch. We're led to believe that Al has kicked the bucket, but no. He's just been suspended for getting into a fight. He got his ass handed to him on a rusty platter by a guy named David Arnold who is on the wrestling team. Hehe. Everyone quickly loses interest in Al because he's worthless and they all eat salsa and black tortilla chips. Hillary notices Taylor really wolfing it down and asks her how she stays so thin to which Taylor replies "I try to throw up every night." Everyone laughs because eating disorders are side-splittingly hilarious. HARHARHAR! Or not. Their good time ends when they hear a knock at the door. Of course it's Al who attempts to break the door down when they don't answer quick enough. Sandy finally opens the door and Al stumbles in drunk off his ass. He searches for beer even though his blood alcohol level is about a million. When Sandy tells him there is no booze to be had, Al gets really nasty. After a verbal slap fest, Al punches Sandy in the face, effectively knocking out a tooth. Hillary goes nuts and shoves Al into the refrigerator. He responds by shoving Sandy before running out the door. Drunks are just a barrel of laughs.

It's now Thursday afternoon and Julie is supposed to be heading to Vincent's house to work on a chemistry project. "I hoped maybe it would help get a special chemistry going between us! Ha-ha." Oh Julie. *sigh* But Julie gets hung up in the school parking lot with Corky Corcoran and some other cheerleaders about helping with the school car wash. She doesn't get to Vincent's house until 4:30 and he's pissed, but not at her. Al "borrowed" Vincent's mother's car by forcing Vincent to hand over the keys and he hasn't brought it back yet. I'm amazed that these people just keep catering to this idiot. Vincent's excuse is the same as Hillary's: he's done something bad that he doesn't want his parents knowing about and Vincent threatens to tattle unless all of his demands are met. In this case, Vincent took his parents' car without permission while they were down the street at a party and ended up getting a speeding ticket. Once again, just talk to your parents and stop letting some drunken fool have his way with you! Anyway, Al pulls up a moment later and to no-one's surprise, the car has been completely trashed. Al keeps saying it wasn't his fault, there were leaves covering the stop sign, at least he got it back on time... this last line causes Vincent to totally lose it. He lunges for Al and punches and scratches until Julie drags him off. "Al had turned away and was jogging down the driveway. Without calling to us, without uttering a word, he turned at the sidewalk and disappeared, jogging, behind a tall hedge. Al never looked back. That was on Thursday. The next night-Friday night-I killed him." Uh, WHAT?

Part Two

"Well...some people thought I killed Al. But of course I didn't." Then why the hell did you say you did? Dammit, Julie! Anyway, on Friday night, everyone heads to the Shadyside Rink for some Rollerblading. Julie calls Vincent, but he's grounded for the rest of his life because of the car. Since Julie spends about a year telling us how horrible Vincent is on skates, I doubt he views this particular trip as a huge loss. They hang up and Julie runs outside to jump into Hillary's blue Bonneville so they can get going. Taylor and Sandy are in the backseat and Julie tells everyone about Vincent. No-one really seems to give a shit. Everyone deserves friends as good as these. HA! At the rink, Julie and Hillary skate while Sandy and Taylor get busy slobbering all over each other. Hillary abandons Julie for a moment to talk to some guy she knows. She skates back over a moment later and asks Julie if she wants to go to a party. She says no so Hillary leaves with the guy. Julie leaves a few hours later (I guess Taylor and Sandy smothered each other) and comes upon a nasty sight in a nearby alley. "Al. Dead in the alley. Strangled by skates. Strangled and smothered. And dead." And dead? As if we wouldn't have figured that out on our own, genius. But yeah, somebody choked Al with their skates. They even shoved the front of a skate into his mouth. To prevent the corpse from talking, of course. Julie pokes around the lifeless body for a bit because she's never seen a dead person before. Before she can touch the skate sticking out of his gob, someone bursts through the back door of the rink and immediately accuses Julie of killing Al. Others follow and dear Julie is taken to the police station.

Officer Reed is asking Julie questions while her parents sit nearby wondering where they went wrong. Reed believes Julie when she says she didnt't do it. He just can't make sense of the murder since there was no theft involved. People kill people for motives other than money, Officer Doofy. Reed asks if Al had any enemies and I think I might laugh myself to death at this. Julie mentions those HARD DUDES! from Waynesbridge that had been such baaaaad influences on Al and then she blurts that everyone hated him. Yes!

Al's funeral takes place on a beautiful sunny day. Julie debated over whether to go because she keeps having horrible nightmares about Al and the skate in his mouth, but she shows up anyway. Nothing interesting happens. No visions of the corpse rising up, no urinating on the grave. Afterward, Julie and friends meet at Sandy's house to eat sammichs and forget that Al ever existed. Then Sandy says he has a confession to make: "You see, I'm the one. I'm the one that killed Al." Taylor suddenly transforms into a rabid chimp and throws herself across the room. Everyone else just sits there because they think he's joking. But Sandy is very serious and goes on to say that he did it for all of them because Al was going around ruining everybody's lives and had to be stopped. TIME OUT. Yes, Al totally sucked. But they allowed him to "ruin their lives." They all but begged him to do all the stupid shit he did! If these morons had simply cut ties with him (and been honest with their parents) they would have had no problem. *sigh* I'm just gonna forget about this before the throbbing vein in my forehead explodes and sprays my life blood all over the floor. So anyway, everyone is going nuts because Sandy has involved them in this by confessing. I love how they're totally cool with the fact that Sandy is a murderer, though. They all start arguing over whether or not they should turn Sandy in. Eventually they decide not to because Sandy killed someone that everybody hated therefore he was performing a valuable service for his community. Plus, Sandy swears he'll never kill again. "A week later, Sandy killed again." Don't worry--Sandy only killed in a stupid dream Julie had. The dream is laughably ridiculous. The way Julie describes Sandy, he comes across as the demon spawn of Chucky and Freddy Krueger: "Chubby little Sandy with his round, baby face. Now he was evil. Now he was an evil figure, come to scare me in my dreams." A freaky little murderer who shows up in your dreams to choke you to death with a pair of skates? Let go of the crack pipe, Julie...

The next evening is graduation rehearsal. Graduation gives Julie and the other seniors a bad case of the sads: "We don't want to leave Shadyside High. It's been our home for four years. We've had so many good times here." I'm not even going to bother with a comment on that one. It speaks for itself. After rehearsal, Julie and Hillary start walking home. All they talk about is Sandy. Blah. In the middle of this ENTHRALLING conversation, they think they hear someone following them. When they turn, no-one is there, but they've got a strong feeling someone is out there. They reach Fear Street and see a police cruiser parked at Julie's house. Officer Reed has a few more questions for Julie. He just asks about the HARD DUDES! from Waynesbridge, but Julie knows nothing about them so Reed leaves pretty quickly. Hillary and Julie sit there talking for a minute until they see movement in the front yard. It's Sandy creeping around like the weirdo he is and the girls realize he was the one following them earlier. They go to the door and Sandy slinks off into the night at the sight of them.

Two days later, Julie is walking past the gym after school and spots Vincent and Sandy playing basketball with some other guys. Vincent runs up to her and tells her to wait and he'll walk home with her. He runs to finish the game, but doesn't get a chance to because Sandy gets pissed for some reason and hurls the ball directly at Vincent, knocking his breath out. "Sandy is our enemy." You're a sharp one, Julie.

On Saturday night, Hillary and Julie go to see a new Keanu Reeves movie. They meet at the theater and Julie tells Hillary to go ahead and save their seats because she has to tinkle. As she enters the restroom, she bumps into Taylor. Julie admires Taylor's "hot and sexy" look which includes dark lipstick and a blue scrunchy. I'm not sure what that is, but it sure as hell isn't hot and sexy. "Very hot and sexy." Shut up, Julie. Taylor is being a bitch as usual, talking about Sandy and screaming in Julie's face "Sandy isn't a killer!" Uh, he admitted he was, dumbass. What is WRONG with these people?

Monday night brings another grad rehearsal and more idiotic shenanigans. Julie gets home fairly late and her parents aren't there so we know some shit is gonna hit the fan. As she's standing in the garage searching for her house key, the garage door starts to rattle closed and Julie is trapped inside. In the darkness, she can see Sandy coming near. "Hi Julie. It's me." No shit. He's holding his handy dandy Rollerblades...and puts them on a shelf. "You shouldn't leave these on the floor. Someone could trip over them." Thanks, Dad. He's ticked because Julie has been talking to Officer Reed. Then he tells Julie that she's gonna have to get over the fact that he killed someone if they're going to remain friends. Sounds reasonable. He leaves after glaring at her like a petulant five year old and saying "I'm warning you." Oooo!

The next day at lunch, Hillary tells Julie that Sandy "threatened" her, too. They spot he and Taylor looking at them, but they refuse to sit next to them and find an empty table. I don't know why this scene was even added because absolutely nothing happens. At the end of the day, Julie and Hillary run into Taylor. Here we go AGAIN. And yet AGAIN she goes nuts because they're hurting Sandy's feelings and he's such a nice guy and he only killed someone that ONE time and blah blah fucking blah. Hillary makes the mistake of telling Taylor to leave them alone. "Red-faced, exploding in rage, Taylor uttered a hoarse cry and grabbed Hillary's braid. Taylor tugged hard, snapping Hillary's head around. And then one hand swung across Hillary's neck and in an instant, deep scratch lines darkened across Hillary's throat." Damn. Julie FINALLY yanks them apart and Taylor pukes on the floor before running away. What the hell?

In the student parking lot, they get into Julie's car where they sit and talk MORE about Sandy. Hillary thinks the only reason Sandy confessed was because he wanted them to admire him. "Now Taylor is so nuts about him, she's ready to fight anyone who hurts Sandy's feelings." Hil decides she's going to Sandy's house to convince him to turn himself in. Otherwise, SHE'S going to. Because she has a death wish. Julie drops her off at Sandy's house and speeds away. Nice one.

A few hours pass and Julie sits by the phone wondering why Hillary hasn't called. Because you delivered her directly into the hands of a maniac! Eventually Hillary's mother calls asking if Julie has seen Hil and Julie lies and says no. She goes down to dinner a few minutes later and even though she's silently freaking out, she does nothing. *sigh*

Part Three

"Can you come over? Right now? I killed him. I killed Sandy." Shit. Julie rushes to Hillary's house and finds that Taylor and Vincent are already there. Hillary decided to wait until Julie arrived before telling them. The more witnesses, the better. Predictably, Taylor starts acting deranged, but Hillary makes her shut her yap so she can tell her story. She says she attempted to get Sandy to agree to confess to the police, but he just went cross-eyed with rage so Hillary cracked his head with his mom's sculpture of someone's bronze head...and this is just so damn convoluted. Seriously. Anyway, blood was spouting everywhere so Hillary freaked out and ran home. To make this crap even crazier, Taylor adds her two cents: "You don't understand! You don't understand anything at all! Why did Sandy have to die? He didn't do anything! He didn't do anything at all! Don't you understand? [I think that we've established that no-one, in fact, understands, you nitwit.] Sandy didn't kill Al! I did!" Ok, this is just bullshit. Does anyone really wanna know why Taylor did this? Well, you're getting it anyway. Al was "forcing" Taylor to steal money from her parents to give to him and she was sick of it. They got into a fight at the rink and since Taylor isn't known for thinking things through (or thinking AT ALL) she went wild and choked Al with her cruddy skates. Just as Taylor is gearing up to beat the crap out of Hillary for murdering her man, the door opens, and fucking SANDY walks in. That's it. I'm over this. I can't...I just can't! Ok, fine. I CAN. I just really really don't wanna. The entire thing was a set-up to get Taylor to confess. Sandy couldn't protect her anymore because he was sick of his friends thinking he was a homicidal maniac. Is it over now?

Two weeks later, Vincent and Julie are walking home from school when Vincent turns to her and says "Julie, I have a confession to make." And what, pray tell, would that be? "I've had a crush on you since third grade." Julie's response? "I screamed."

Conclusion? I liked most of this even though the characters made me want to set myself on fire at times. But what seriously pissed me off was Part Three. I wouldn't wipe my dog's ass with Part Three.

Next time: "The Face" Portraits of a dead boy drawn by an uncontrollable hand! Mwahahahaha!

~ Happy New Year ~

Merry 2010

Oh Happy Day!

Awards make my insides fuzzy.

Rules:

1) Thank the person who nominated me for this award.

I received this goodness from Living in the '80s and '90s who I thank profusely. I suppose I should also thank the mind numbing boredom that motivated me to start this blog in the first place...

2) Copy the award & place it on my blog.

Done.

3) Link to the person who nominated me for this award.

Also done.

4) Tell us 7 interesting things about yourself.

Oh crap. Talking about myself makes me feel vaguely sick. But here we go.

1) Almost all of my favorite TV shows are cartoons. And as a 22 year old woman, I feel no shame!

2) I have a borderline unhealthy obsession with Viggo Mortensen.

3) I love anything horror. Sometimes I wish life were a horror movie but after watching someone get their guts sliced open by some maniac, I usually rethink that.

4) I have pets: a beagle who doesn't have a name yet (I found him on the side of the road a few weeks ago and I couldn't leave him. He was skin and bones and I would really like to maim the bastard that neglected him so badly. Thankfully, he's healthier now.) and a big fat gray cat that my brother dubbed Mr. Big. Mr. Big thinks he is God.

5) I have never read the Twilight books and I doubt I ever will. "Stone the blasphemer!" Please don't. It's not that I don't like the whole vampire thing. I just can't stand the teenage romance thing.

6) When I was a kid, I thought it was freaking hilarious to get my friend to ask all of our male teachers if they took Viagra. I have no idea why she listened to me, but she did every time I asked. I would stand nearby and laugh into my hand until I was red in the face and about to pee my pants. It wasn't so funny when we got in trouble...

7) My favorite smell is burning wood. Why? I couldn't say. I just...love it.

Not sure if that was interesting enough...

5) Nominate 7 bloggers and 6) Post links to the 7 blogs I nominate.

1) Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog
2) Fitzie's Soda Shoppe
3) Dibbly Fresh
4) 30 Is The New 13
5) Cradle to Coffin
6) Young Adult Revisited
7) Living in the '80s and '90s (An illegal move to nominate the one who nominated me? Oh well. I'm doing it anyway. Such a rebel.)

Fin.

Lights Out

* I finally finished this. It's a Christmas miracle! *

Book Description:

"I could kill you!" screamed Geri Marcus. [The psycho is already revealed? Then why the hell do I have to read this thing?] Could she? [Yes.] Would she? [She already did. More than once. But don't tell her I told you so. I'm too young to die!] Something is very wrong at Camp Nightwing and junior counselor Holly Flynn is determined to solve the mystery before it destroys the camp! The trouble begins with frightening acts of vandalism. After each, a red feather is left behind--signature of the culprit. Suddenly, one of the counselors is dead. "An accident," say the police. But Holly knows better and she knows she's next. Holly can't trust anyone now , not even her best friend, as she stalks the camp killer--and hopes that it soon won't be "Lights Out" for her!

My Description:

This one is going to be incredibly difficult. I'm already grinding my teeth and barely resisting the urge the burn Stine's house down. No need to worry, though, kids. I could never do such a thing! I ran out of gasoline and matches weeks ago.

Anyway! Let's get started with Camp Nightwing (this sounds very similar to one of the camps in some Goosebumps book. Am I wrong? I can't remember.) This literary masterpiece begins with a letter to someone called "Chief".

Camp Nightwing

Dear Chief,
Here I am at Camp Nightwing just as I promised. The other counselors are already here-and the lucky campers are arriving tomorrow. Everything looks cool so far. Don't worry about a thing, Chief. I'll make them pay. Every one of them. Just as I promised you. Before I'm through, everyone will be calling it "Camp Nightmare." I'm just trying to figure out where to start. Any ideas, Chief? Please write back and let me know what you think. I'm dying to hear from you.

Yours forever,
Me

Since that was absolutely boring and useless (we've already seen about 1500 variations of it in other books), let's just jump straight into the next chapter. Holly has just spotted a giant spider in her bunk and is busy freaking out over it. She tries to have a reasonable conversation with the nasty little bastard to coax him off her bed, but we all know spiders are inconsiderate jerks so Holly finally picks up the pillow the spider is sitting on and throws it on someone else's bed. "She didn't care what the spider did as long as it didn't do it on her bunk." What the hell could it possibly do? Fornicate? Snort lines of coke off its spindly web? It's a SPIDER, Holly, a SPIDER. Anyway, Holly goes back to unpacking her things and wondering how the hell she ended up at camp. Unfortunately for her, her Uncle Bill owns Camp Nightwing and managed to convince her to work for him as a counselor instead of spending her whole summer rotting on Fear Street. For some unholy reason, Holly actually LIKES Fear Street and wants to hang around her delapidated mansion instead of a cursed camp. Yes, it really seems cursed. Evidence: first year = lightning burned down the rec hall; second year = flood and measles outbreak; third year =camper died in boating accident. Somehow, Uncle Bill has not yet committed suicide and the camp just keeps on truckin'...barely.

Holly breaks her thoughts when she realizes her best friend, Thea Mack, has entered the cabin. They talk about boring camp-related junk, Holly whines about she doesn't have an awesome tan like Thea's and how haaaaarrrrrd it is to be a skinny blonde chick (shut your face!), and then they're interrupted by a blood curdling scream for help. It's poor old Uncle Bill who's done gone and got his dumb ass trapped under a pile of sports equipment in the rec room. The girls manage to drag him out and Bill gets his Sherlock Holmes on, inspecting the cabinet that was holding the equipment before it all cascaded on top of his head. "Do you see how this is designed? With bolts at all four corners? [Just get to the frigging point,, kind sir, before I bury you.] Even in a heavy thunderstorm with high winds, it should stay smack up against the wall [or smack upside your head]. But somehow-somehow the bolts on one side worked loose. I just can't understand it." Can't you, though? Someone wants you dead, Billy boy! Holly brings up the point that he could've been killed, but Bill brushes it off because he has no desire to live anyway. Uncle Bill goes to get his tools to fix the cabinet and Holly and Thea start straightening up the equipment. A moment later, they find a red feather (as the back cover tells us, "signature of the culprit") and basically ignore it. Thea won't shut up about all the hot guys at camp (I pray she's not referring to the kids) and Holly ignores her and wonders aloud where Uncle Bill is. He could be lying in a ditch with a broken neck for all Thea cares. She just wants to gab about some guy named John Hardesty who wrote her a couple letters over the summer which is obviously a sign that they're soul mates. Thea mentions another counselor named Geri Marcus and Holly mildly freaks out. Geri is a redhead from Waynesbridge and apparently, she and Holly used to be close friends. Geri is a total bitch who barely says two words to the girls, opting instead to look down her perfect nose at them as if they're rotten garbage. After Geri trots off, Holly tells Thea that she and Geri were friends, but that ended when Holly wouldn't lie to Geri's parents about Geri's secret boyfriend. They both forget all about this when they hear other counselors outside. Holly gets a boner when she sees this gorgeous girl approaching she and Thea. Her name is Debra Wallach and she's the senior counselor in Holly's cabin; Holly will be her assistant. No word on what that entails. Thea and Holly walk over the to the picnic table where Geri is reading and a boy sitting across from her is writing. Thea slaps the boy on the back and says "Hi ya, Mick. Writing home already?" Mick is described as looking just like Kevin Bacon and writes home often because his mother is one of those rare parents that actually gives a damn about what her kid is doing.

The girls wander back to their cabins. Holly is finishing unpacking when she's attacked by a fat ass bat. She attempts a counterattack with a canoe paddle which results in bat flying at her face and her running out the door...right into Geri and two other girls. This is painful. Debra arrives and gets pissed at Holly for not being a man about the bat. She sends another girl in with a broom, the bat flies off, and the girls head on down to the campfire for smores and ritual sacrifices. Uh, I mean SONGS. At the campfire, Holly finds Thea and they grab a few hot dogs and some of Uncle Bill's (in)famous potato salad. Mick comes up and starts talking to the girls about horror movies which Holly hates. Mick can't believe Holly has never seen the Friday the 13th movies. He recaps a couple scenes from the movie and laughs when Holly says "Gross!" even though he didn't say anything even remotely gross. He runs off for more potato salad while Holly watches Geri talk to some counselors. "This whole thing was a mistake, she thought. How can I make it through a whole summer here?" Will you please get over the whole Geri thing? Have some more potato salad and shut your trap. Anyway, Uncle Bill introduces himself just before someone dressed as Jason Voorhees pops out of the woods with a fake hatchet. It's just some moron named Kit Damon who isn't as awesome as the real Jason.

You've been pwned, Kit. Anyway, all the other counselors introduce themselves...except Thea and Holly. Oh well. Uncle Bill talks about the rules and emphasizes one in particular: "...counselors are absolutely forbidden to date campers." Ok, I'm really not following. I was under the impression that the campers were CHILDREN, but apparently they're near the same age as the junior counselors. I hope. Anyway, everybody starts walking back to their cabins. Holly waits while Thea talks to that John Hardesty guy. She looks up and spots Geri lurking in the shadows and glaring at her like she's really enjoy ripping her head off. Nice.

In case you really enjoyed that earlier letter to the "Chief" (and I can't imagine why you would) here's another one.

Camp Nightwing

Dear Chief,
Things are off to a good start. I've started my work already, just as I promised you. It wasn't easy taking bolts out of the wall, but it worked like a dream-or a nightmare. It's just too bad that the whole cabinet didn't come down. But I have plenty of time. After all, lots of accidents can happen in a summer camp-lots of deadly accidents. [I assume you're somehow related to the kid who died here.] Please write and let me know how you are doing. Remember, Chief, I'm always here for you.

Yours forever,
Me

The next morning, Holly puts on a swimsuit and heads for the lake. First she gets stopped on the path by a hot counselor named Sandy who warns her about the leeches in the lake before jogging off in his tightass sweatpants. Then Mick pops out of nowhere, admires her body like a creepy little perv, and asks if he can walk with her. As they near the lake, Mick flips out because some bad little camper drilled holes in the side of a couple canoes and now they're resting on the sandy bottom. RIP. "Just beside the hole, stuck between the seat of the canoe and the gunwale, was a soggy red feather." Could it be *gasp* the same person who nearly killed Uncle Bill?! *sigh* What the hell is a gunwale?

Later, Holly heads for her cabin to change and then rushes to the parking lot where the campers are arriving. Debra chews her a new one for being late and throws a list of campers who will be in her cabin into her face. There are six girls on the list (Candy, Melissa, Jessica, Tracy, Suzie, and Stacey; the last two are twins) and Holly quickly finds them. The girls are just so gosh darn cute that Holly doesn't mind when they predictably start arguing over who gets what bunk. They figure it out and a few run outside to join a dodgeball game. As Holly is helping Candy with her suitcase, she hears a crash behind her. "Somehow" a top bunk collapsed onto a bottom bunk. Tracy was sitting on the top and starts to cry. To make this scene even shittier, Debra bursts in and completely flips out on Holly because all the girls are now crying and Holly is just sitting there like a log. Although I seriously doubt Debra's demonic shriek is helping either. I hate this woman. You've got over 100 pages to pull out a bullwhip and stripe her ass, Holly. Make me proud. Anyway, Uncle Bill enters this mess and once again proves he's utterly useless. Holly sits down and spots a red feather taped to the bottom of the bunk. Why a red feather? And why stupid little pranks? If you want them dead, anonymous maniac, choose a more direct method.

Holly unloads her campers on Sandy so she can play Nancy Drew. Why is the psychopath making these "accidents" happen near her? Uh...maybe because they're supposed to happen to you? (But you just keep throwing a damn monkey wrench into the plans!) She scampers off to Uncle Bill's office and when she brings up the incidents, he says he doesn't have time to discuss it even though it's obvious he's been doing nothing but picking his nose and scratching his ass. Holly is ticked off at her uncle's indifference and flees the office. Unfortunately, she runs right into Debra. *groan* Deb is her usual bitchy self, poking holes in Holly's soul by giving her a mouthful about what happened earlier. Then she offers up this gem which, I suppose, is meant to explain her acid behavior toward Holly: "Don't think you'll get special treatment just because you're Uncle Bill's niece!" First of all, treating someone with simple respect isn't "special treatment". Second, Holly probably wishes she was in no way related to Uncle Bill and thus does not expect anything as a result of being his niece. I think.

In the mess hall, Thea runs up to Holly and asks what's wrong. Holly doesn't want to talk about it so Thea tells her to meet her by the lake after the campers are asleep. Her campers cheer her up a little, but the mood is ruined when Kit starts screaming about a snake wrapped around his arm. He shakes it off and it lands on Holly's table. Of course the thing is rubber and everyone just thinks it's the funniest damn thing in the history of mankind. Holly completely froze when she saw the snake which Debra sees as a big weakness: "If you're so afraid of snakes, then what are you doing at Camp Nightwing?" Because her brainless suicidal uncle told her to. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, biotch.

That night, Holly meets Thea at the lake as planned. They talk about all the crap that has been happening lately until the conversation unravels with Thea mentioning John Hardesty. *sigh* Who the hell is this guy anyway? He's important enough to be mentioned every 2 seconds so why haven't we been introduced? Oh well. If he's like the other guys in this book, we're probably better off NOT knowing him. Thea says she's meeting him here and Holly says she's tired and begins walking back to her cabin alone. Suddenly the woods seem to be full of noises and Holly is scared! AHHH! They're called ANIMALS, lady! Anyway, the noises actually turn out to be two campers and then she runs into Mick. This guy is a total stalker. He's acting really weird and comes on a little too strong for Holly's taste. After getting violent because Holly doesn't want to do anything with him, he runs off into the woods. I hope he gets eaten by a bear. As Holly nears the cabins, she runs into Sandy. Why the hell are these people wandering the woods in the middle of the night?! They chat for a minute before parting ways. Holly goes into her cabin, gets into bed, and immediately starts screaming when she realizes there's a snake under her pillow. It's actually real and the other girls are freaked out, too. But of course Debra is all calm about it and throws the snake out before going off on Holly: "You're worse than useless!" Instead of punching her in the gut until she passes out, Holly just sits there and takes it, staring at the floor until everybody goes back to bed.

The next morning, Holly decides to go to Uncle Bill with her red feather collection and explain her theory that someone is attempting to target her (fortunately for her, this person is incredibly dim and inept). Bill doesn't buy any of it, telling her that feathers don't prove anything because there are feathers all over the damn place which is true. But apparently Bill is unaware that he's in a Fear Street novel and feathers are never just feathers. He basically just tells her to quit worrying about it and stay out of his freaking office. Nice.

Of course we must update the dear old Chief on what's been happening in the vaguest way possible.

Camp Nightwing

Dear Chief,
I haven't heard from you in a long time now. A lot of things have been happening. Bad things. But they're also good if you know what I mean. I've been doing everything I promised and more. Now I'm ready to take the next step. The big step. Someone in this camp is going to die. I promised and I'm going to deliver. Very soon. It will be the person who deserves it the most. Too bad. She's kind of cute. I'll write and tell you all about it. Please write back, Chief. I've been waiting so long for a letter.

Yours forever,
Me

Those letters are so freaking useless! GRR. Anyway, Holly feels better after telling Uncle Bill even though she would have been better off taking her problems to a squirrel. She thinks the person responsible is a counselor and to figure out which one, she turns to TV: "She thought back to all the mystery shows she'd seen on television. One of the first things the detective always did was get to know as much as possible about the suspects. So what she had to do was clear--she had to get the other counselors as well as she could." Although old and nearly forgotten, Columbo, Matlock, and Jessica Fletcher can still serve a purpose. Later that afternoon, Camp Nightwing plays a big softball game against Camp Starlight (Starlight kicks Nightwing's ass.) After the game, Mick comes over to Holly and says "So, did you see anything you like?" Holly doesn't understand so Mick happily spells it out: "Well, you've been staring at me all day." Doubtful. "So I though I'd invite you to do some more staring up close and personal." I'd rather stare into a plumber's cavernous hairy buttcrack for an hour than look at you for 5 seconds. But Holly doesn't share my opinion: "Sure. Sounds like fun. I'll meet you after the campers are in bed." This won't end well.

That evening, Holly meets Mick on the dock and he almost immediately accuses her of leading him on. What a creep! He tries to force her to kiss him, but that just ends up with him splashing into the lake. HA. As Holly storms off to her cabin, she comes upon Geri who has apparently lost her frigging mind: "I saw and heard everything. I know what you're up to, Holly. I know everything. First you ruined my life back in Waynesbridge. And now you're trying to steal Mick from me. Well, you won't get away with it, Holly. You won't get away with it!" WHAT? Who the hell would want Mick? This chick is broken.

The next morning, Holly is totally zonked out. On her way to the mess hall, she almost gets smacked in the head with a softball, but Sandy saves her. He notices something is bothering her and offers his services: "What's bothering you? Tell Uncle Sandy." EW. Holly doesn't consider it at all weird that someone nearly her own age wants her to call him 'uncle' and she tells him all about her recent problems. "Uncle Sandy" says Holly will feel so much better after the wilderness trip next week. She'll be assistant boating counselor and good old Uncle Sandy just knows she'll have the time of her life! Uncle Sandy is as dense as everyone else there--we all know the really bad stuff starts happening when there's a big trip involved. The psycho will strike and someone will die. What do you say to that, Uncle Sandy? "It'll be great." Moron.

Later, Holly meets up with Thea who is sobbing because John Hardesty would rather write letters than be with her. Thea's tears dry up about 1.5 seconds later when she starts talking about Mick and Uncle Sandra. She thinks Holly likes them both even though one is a total perv and the other is damned crazy. Thea is glad Holly feels nothing for Sandy because she wants him. No comment. Thea goes on her merry way and Holly enters the craft cabin where Debra immediately shoots her a dirty look. Well, fuck you, too. Holly is showing the girls a clay pot that Debra made and *cringe* she accidentally breaks it, effectively incurring Debra's wrath. "What have you done? Can't you do anything right?" Shut. Up.

That night, Holly drops the campers off at the campfire and starts walking back to the cabin. Unfortunately, Kit pops out of nowhere and starts harrassing her about Geri. She tries to run, but he catches up to her and pins her arms behind her. Then Mick steps up (seriously, where do these fools come from? Do they just hang out in the woods all night, sleeping in trees?) and says they're inviting her to their party. Geri steps out of the darkness holding a bucket full of leeches. She says that Holly deliberately tried to ruin her life and now she's getting even. Then she says "You don't look perfect. You probably need a bath." before pushing Holly into a nearby creek and dumping the leeches in after her. Up until now, Holly has seemed almost catatonic, but this is the last straw. She completely loses it, screaming at all of them. The guys try to pretend this is all part of an initiation for all new counselors which is obviously total bullshit. She looks over their shoulders and sees Sandy standing there grinning. Finally they all walk off because it's time for dinner and bullying makes a person hungry. Holly is stunned, but a moment later someone's scream snaps her out of it. She walks through the woods, sees someone running (she can't tell who) and John Hardesty appears from behind a tree holding something behind his back. He acts like a total asshole and accuses her of spying on him. She's covered in mud and leech juice. The last thing on her mind is spying on you! He runs off and Holly starts running toward her cabin. OF COURSE she's intercepted by Sandy. Memo to Nightwing counselors: get out of the fucking woods! Who is looking after the kids? Uncle Bill? Doubtful. He'd rather hole up in his office reminiscing about the good old days when he actually had a life and a job he didn't hate. Damn that's depressing. Anyway, Sandy acts like he doesn't know what happened to Holly and she plays along instead of snapping his neck. He gives her a list of who's going on the wilderness trip before running back to his treehouse. The six counselors going: Sandy, Holly, Stuart Winchester (archery man), Mick, Kit, and Geri. Fanfreakingtastic.

Holly has finished showering and is in her cabin getting dressed when Thea stops by. Holly vents about Geri and Debra and then it's time to gather the campers and take them to dinner. When they reach the mess hall, they spot Kit in the rafters wearing a gorilla mask and throwing pieces of banana at campers. Har har har. Holly ignores this and worries about the fact that she hasn't seen Debra. Good riddance. Holly decides to search for her. She heads for the craft cabin...where she finds Debra's stone cold corpse. "The thing that [Holly] saw had once been a human face, but was now a bloody mass of raw pulp." More details? Sure thing: "It was Debra who sat slumped over the table, her face nearly rubbed off by the pottery wheel. Only the long black braids identified her as Debra." Holly actually checks her pulse, unaware that you just don't wake up from a pottery wheel facial. She stumbles outside into the arms of John Hardesty. She frantically tells him what happened and he leaves her while he runs to fetch Uncle Bill. Holly takes another peek inside and spots the cursed red feather.

Camp Nightwing

Dear Chief,
Guess what? I decided to take up pottery. [sigh] I found it worthwhile. Quite worthwhile. I guess even the crafts counselor didn't know that making pots could be so dangerous. That pendant looked so nice around her neck-but not as nice as my two hands. The local police came by for a while. They questioned everyone. But they're sure it was an accident. A tragic accident. They didn't even notice my calling card. And I left it right where they couldn't miss it. Well, that's about all for now. What do you think, Chief? Should I kill the other one? It's up to you. Please write soon and let me know what you want me to do.

Yours forever,

Me

I don't think the Chief really gives a damn at this point. I know I don't. Anyway, it's now the next morning and Geri is busy harrassing Holly. "Guess you're glad Debra's gone, aren't you?" Isn't everyone? Geri insinuates that Holly had something to do with Debra's death. It's time for you to start kicking ass and taking names, Holly. Stop letting this wench stomp all over you! Instead of beating Geri black and blue, Holly runs to Uncle Bill's office. But it isn't Bill she finds; it's a detective. Holly makes herself look like an ass by mentioning the red feather, etc. She truly is a glutton for punishment. Predictably, he doesn't really buy it and sends her on her way. She goes to the rec room where she finds Uncle Bill. She nearly craps her pants when he tells her that Geri will be taking Debra's place. Could this possibly get any more painful? I know Holly doesn't actually exist, but I feel horrible for her. Uncle Bill is a total bitch when Holly explains that she and Geri don't get along so she just walks out.

At the cookout that evening, Kit convinces Uncle Bill to let them have a ghost story contest. Holly is glad that everyone will be distracted because it will allow her to put her dimwitted plan into action. She's going to sneak into the cabins of Kit, Mick, and John to see if she can find any clues as to who may have murdered Debra. I'm sure it'll go smoothly and she'll get all the info she needs. *sigh* She starts with Cabin Nine where Kit and John are assigned. Beneath John's bed she finds a metal box and just as she prepares to open it, John enters. Holly says she lost something (sanity? dignity?) and she tries to leave, but John demands to know what she was really doing. Holly just tells the truth rather than kicking him in the junk and running away. Before he lets Holly leave, he says "If you ever say anything about any of this-to anyone-you'll be sorry. Very, very sorry." which makes no sense because nothing happened. Shut up, John. Instead of going back to the cookout, Holly detours past Mick's cabin. She sees him writing something and spots a thingamajig hanging over his desk with red feathers all over it OH NO! That really proves nothing, once again.

Camp Nightwing

Dear Chief,
One of the counselors is getting suspicious. Too bad. I can't have that. I can't have anyone interfering with the things I have to do. Too bad she didn't mind her own business. But it's too late now. She'll be next, Chief. But I'll wait for the canoe trip. I'll let you know how it goes.

Yours forever,

Me

The next morning, Uncle Bill makes all the counselors come to the mess hall early so he can talk to them about all the freaky junk that's been taking place. He says if anything else happens, he'll have to shut down the camp. Yay! After he stops yapping, Holly goes to...well, I'm really not sure what her intentions were, but he ends up getting pissed off because Holly dared question his judgement. I think. *sigh* Both of them are unstable beings who shouldn't be in positions of authority over children.

The following morning, Holly gets up early to prepare for the big wilderness trip that will be more about figuring out who the psycho is than anything related to nature. She's horrified when she finds out that she and Mick will be partners. Mick is not the lunatic; there are too many signs that he is which is why he isn't. Anyway, Holly isn't too comfortable in the canoe: "Paddling down the White River, Holly wondered how she had managed to make so many enemies in such a short time. The other counselors were barely speaking to her." That pretty sums up the rest of the day. No-one acknowledges her presence AT ALL. When they finally reach the campsite, it's dark. Spooooky. As Holly is making a pit for the campfire, she hears someone sobbing in the distance. Just as Holly is about to go rescue the forest sobber, someone says "Hello, Holly." She turns and John is standing there with a big knife. Then some girl named Courtney appears out of nowhere and tells him to stop. She was the one who was crying because she and John were having an argument and John was being a real asshole. Then they both go on about their hidden love affair which is forbidden by Courtney's parents and the law--Courtney is 15 and John is 18. But they're so in love! Damn the parents! Damn the statutory rape laws! Dude, seriously, find someone your own age. They beg Holly not to say anything to anyone and she says "I won't say anything. But I won't lie for you. I can't." which reminds her of what she told Geri when Geri wanted her to lie for her. Why does any of this shit matter? Unless Geri is the maniac, none of this is remotely relevant right now.

The next morning, Holly is snapped out of a cozy dream about the Division Street Mall. Sandy woke her up because he wants her to watch the sunrise with him. Yeah right. Yesterday he hated her and now he wants to curl up and watch the sun with her? I smell a rat. Anyway, he also wants to "scout downriver a little ways to see where it forks." He'll probably dump Holly in the river. Poor stupid girl. So they hop in the canoe and Holly notices that they're getting really far away from the campsite. Sandy says it's all good because he knows this river really well; he camped here last summer. Holly is confused because he previously said he was in the desert last summer. Liar. Uncle Sandy starts acting like a mental patient, babbling about the accident last summer. A kid named Seth drowned and it was all Debra's fault. Seth was Sandy's brother...Sandy called him Chief...I think the mystery is solved, my friends. He says he can't let Holly go now because she knows too much. Such a cliche. They reach a really rough part of the river and Sandy starts giggling like a demented school girl as he tosses his paddle into the water. He stands up and Holly smashes him in the head with her paddle. While he's unconscious, the canoe starts slamming into rocks and Holly is thrown into the water. She manages to get to shore, but she has no clue as to where she is. She starts walking and a few moments later, SANDY comes out of nowhere. How the hell? She runs from him, he grabs a big tree limb, chases her, and smacks her with the branch. She crawls into a cave that apparently just magically sprouted out of the ground, but unfortunately it's full of snakes. She grabs one and throws it at Sandy, causing him to lose his footing and fall down a hill. Is it over yet? She starts walking and comes upon Mick. "Oh Mick!" Oh Mick indeed.

Later, an ambulance takes Sandy away while Holly sips hot broth at the campsite. The camp bus arrives to drag their sorry behinds back to Camp Nightwing. Uncle Bill runs up to Holly. "Maybe now Camp Nightwing can go back to being a happy place again." It was never a happy place, you nut. At camp, Holly and Mick walk to their cabins and discuss the fact that Holly is finally catching on to this place. Dammit.

Conclusion? These people are fucking insane.

Next time: "The Confession" Five friends, one of them a murderer. Who is it and when will they kill again? The suspense (among other things) will kill us all!