How I Broke Up With Ernie

Book Description:

After a year of going steady, Amy knew that breaking up with Ernie would be hard-but she never expected this! Ernie doesn't yell, he doesn't protest, he doesn't even ask what happened. But then he doesn't stop coming around either. Suddenly Ernie is like a bad case of hiccups [or herpes]...Amy just can't get rid of him! Amy is afraid she'll never get to know Colin, the new guy in her life, with Ernie tagging along on every date. To make matters even worse, her parents seem to be on Ernie's side! She realizes that breaking up with someone is supposed to be painful. But it shouldn't be impossible, should it? When Amy finally does break up with Ernie, you'll break up, too-with laughter!

My Description:

HAR HAR HAR! I'm just beside myself with the giggles! *sigh* Amy Wayne has just announced to her friend Regina Green that she's decided to end things with Ernie. Regina is shocked because Amy has been dating this weirdo for over a year and in the land of teenagers, that's practically an eternity. Thrown in with Regina's proclamations of disbelief, we get descriptions of the girl. Predictably, Amy is the prettiest, blondest girl at Seaview High and Regina is just her dark haired, less attractive friend who lives only to serve Amy. BARF. Anyway, Amy explains that she's bored with Ernie and lately everything about him gets on her nerves. Like what? you may ask. Well...his curly hair (I take offense), the way he clicks his tongue, the amount of freckles he has, and the fact that his nickname is Bear. "It's a perfect nickname. Ernie looks like a bear!" No, Regina. He really doesn't. He looks like a goofy, less attractive version of Robert Patrick circa 1991. Amy says she's hesitant to break up with Ernie Bear because she doesn't wanna hurt him. I guess she doesn't consider the list of insults hurtful? The girls change the subject to the upcoming spring dance and Regina grabs Amy's new yearbook to take a look at who Amy wants to take. She spots Colin Sturbridge's photo and the message he wrote above it:

Amy-
Love ya,
Colin

What a dish! A man of such thought provoking, passionate words! (WARNING: SARCASM) Regina flips out because she's not a fan of Colin's: "Amy, really! That YUPPIE! He wears designer gym socks!" She also says he's a stiff who probably doesn't bend at the waist. So...he's a rigor mortis stricken corpse? I thought this was a comedy, not another poorly written attempt at horror. Regina also hates the fact that Colin drives a Saab, a car of "upward mobility and crass materialism!" Dammit, will you chill the hell out? You hate him--we get it! Just as Regina is about to apologize for being such a harpy, Amy's psychotic younger brothers (a.k.a. the dead-eyed little bastards on the cover) come barging in wanting to know where Bear is. She says he's coming later and pushes them out of her room. The girls start thinking about ways for Amy to end things with the giant freckled furball known as Bear. Amy gets pissed when Regina suggests that Ernie is too unrefined to be dumped in a fancy French restaurant. "Don't make fun of Ernie. Just because he's big and grins a lot doesn't mean he's dumb." In this case it does. Suddenly a bright idea dawns on Amy's dusty brain: she'll just sit down with Ernie and break it to him gently. Brilliant!

Amy leaves immediately, leaving Regina to be devoured by her demonic fork-tongued brothers. On the way to see Ernie, Amy thinks about what she'll say to him. Everything she comes up with is ripped right out of every cheesy romance novel in the world. As she walks along, we gets descriptions of the town which is just Shadyside in an alternate universe. Seriously. They have an Old Village and Pete's Pizza Heaven which is the main hangout because no matter what town they live in, teenagers need that sweet sweet nectar (known in some circles as GREASE). Amy has arranged to meet Ernie here because it's a public place and there will be witnesses in case he loses his freaking mind. And how could he not? Amy is such a catch. HA. Anyway, she finds him and immediately upon sitting down, she starts thinking about how annoying he is. The poor sap has barely opened his mouth! They have a short discussion about the ingredients of Coke, the beauty of hot pizza, and Amy's hair before being interrupted by Ernie's doofy friends, Buddy and Greg. Amy sits by while the three bears talk and stuff their faces. Finally she and Ernie leave and start walking home. Ernie makes a detour to the hardware store to get oil for his beloved lawn mower. As they're passing other stores, Amy thinks about how annoying he is. That's getting really old...plus, at this point, I find Amy about 3648576383 times more annoying than him.

When they eventually reach Ernie's house (Amy literally spends the entire walk thinking about how annoying he is. He's not even doing anything!) he says he'll see her later. He comes to her house every night for dinner because his parents only feed him dog food or something. As Amy is trudging home, Colin pulls up beside her in his shiny, crass, materialistic Saab (get out of my head, Regina!) and Amy nearly wets her pants because he's oh-so-pretty with his dimples and cleft chin. He asks her if she's free on Saturday night because some dude named Rob Litton is having a big party, but Amy declines because she's going out with Ernie. Ok, I don't get this chick. She never shuts the fuck up about how horrible Ernie is and desperately wants to rid herself of him and go out with Colin yet she just had the opportunity to do both and didn't take it. Amy, you're breaking my brain box.

When Amy arrives home, she gets a nice little surprise: "She found [her brothers] standing on chairs in front of her dresser mirror. They had taken out her makeup box. They had opened every tube and jar. Max had covered his forehead in purple lipstick. His cheeks were covered in blue eyeshadow. Mike had an enormoud black mascara mouth that ran down past his chin. He had bright red dots all over his cheeks." Rather than murdering them both in cold blood, Amy yells for a second until they tell her that they're supposed to be flowers and then she just laughs. Good save, creeps. I just can't see a teenage girl being so cool about her little brothers trashing her makeup supply. They all run downstairs when her father comes in from work and he gets pissed at Amy because he thinks she's the one who emasculated his sons which makes her throw a fit because she gets blamed for everything! WAHHHHH! Ernie shows up a minute later and the entire crazy family sits down to dinner after Amy's dad offers Ernie a beer which is a running joke between the two. Yeah, moving on... As Amy watches Ernie goof around with her family, she wonders how they'll take it when she breaks up with him...when she eventually gets around to it. Regina calls during dinner and wants to know if Amy cut things off yet and if not, why? Why is she so worked up over it anyway? This isn't a threesome. When Amy returns to the table, she suddenly gets the notion that her mom and dad are in a conspiracy with Ernie. What the hell is wrong with her? A conspiracy for WHAT?! It doesn't help matters when Amy's father says he wants Ernie to work in his office this summer. Amy is completely losing it inside, but she just smiles and nods.

After dinner, Amy gets Ernie alone and attempts to break up with him, but he just wants to make out and then Amy's bros come running in screaming "Bear!" *sigh* Ernie tucks them into bed after wrestling with them (he struck the child!) and finally seems like he's gonna listen. But he doesn't. He just keeps running his yapper, telling Amy he wants to give her his letter jacket and Amy is so touched that she can't possibly break up with him! Excuse me while I rip every last strand of hair from my aching head.

Amy is sitting in her fourth period English class fighting to stay awake. The occasional thought drifts through her sluggish brain: how her teacher closely resembles a sea gull (Stine is always comparing people to birds. How the hell can someone look like a damn bird?), the ocean, and Regina who she passes a note to which is intercepted by the cranky, menopausal teacher. The bell rings, but she says no-one is leaving until Regina reads the note aloud. All it says is that Amy couldn't break up with Ernie and she'll have to try again today. Apparently the whole school knows about Amy and Ernie and are in awe of their superfantasmagorical relationship. So when the class hears that Amy wants to break it off with Ernie, they react as if someone just declared World War 3.

It's time for lunch and Regina tells Amy to just get it over with. Once again, she tries...and actually succeeds! Unfortunately, the dumb bastard thinks it's a joke and walks off with a big grin on his face which means we have to endure about 100 more pages of this crap. Do I sound bitter? Well, it's only because I'm bitter.

After school, Amy blubbers all over Regina because break-ups are haaaarrrrrd. Yes, she thinks Ernie got the message and it's over. They're both idiots. The girls sit on the sidewalk and talk about what happened until Amy gets freaked out by a seagull that's giving her the evil eye so they part ways and go home. At dinner, BEAR shows up at Amy's house for his table scraps. Of course Amy silently fumes instead of telling that dum dum to get lost. The family treats Ernie like a saint, as usual. After dinner, he asks Amy to help him with his homework and AGAIN Amy momentarily forgets that she hates this guy. You have got to be kidding me. I hate this book. Comedy my ass. Anyway, Regina shows up and Amy invites her to join them. Ernie goes to tuck in Amy's brothers and Regina uses the opportunity to passive-aggressively berate Amy for not getting rid of him. Shut your face, Regina. Since you seem to be the filling in this shit sandwich, why don't YOU break up with him?!? She leaves a moment later and Ernie soon follows. Then Colin calls and Amy says yes to a date for Friday night.

Flash forward to Friday night. Amy is getting dressed and admiring herself in the mirror. "She was wearing a black silky blouse and a faded denim miniskirt over black tights. She walked over to her dresser and picked up a pair of dangly, blue plastic earrings to add a little color." Meh. Amy calls this look "sophisticated but casual. Sexy but not obvious." Her self-worship is interrupted by one of her little brothers asking when Bear is coming. Amy says he isn't and kicks the kid out. A moment later, Colin shows up and the kids are disappointed by how lame he is. He won't even wrestle them! After being disrepected by the Turd Bros., Colin leaves with Amy on his arm. As soon as they're outside, Ernie comes running up. The stupid fucker climbs into the car with them like he was invited and neither Colin nor Amy tell him to get lost. I would've broken his legs and dumped in a ditch. I can't even recap the date...it's everything you'd think it would be, only worse.

After the movie (which was some clay animation thing that Amy hated) Ernie meets up with his stupid friends, Buddy and Greg, in the parking lot while Amy and Colin hurry to the car hoping to ditch him. Sadly, one tire is flat. Ernie changes it because Colin doesn't want to soil himself and afterward, they all head to Pete's Pizza Heaven much to Amy's ANNOYANCE (what else is new?).

The next morning, Amy wakes from a nightmare about Ernie. She decides she's got to find a way to get rid of him because he's ruining her life. She walks over to the window and sees Ernie washing her dad's car. She throws on her clothes, races outside, and tells Ernie she doesn't wanna see him for a while. He seems to get it this time and actually leaves.

Later, Amy and Regina go to the beach. Regina can't get over how pale they both are: "We look like Puffed Rice." Uh...good one? Suddenly Colin appears out of nowhere and he and Amy apologize to each other for the night before even though it's ERNIE who should be apologizing. Speaking of him, he's lying nearby reading a magazine. *sigh* After Colin decides to go for a swim, Amy goes to confront Ernie. But she doesn't get a chance because the waves carry Colin out too far and apparantly there are no lifeguards around. But it's ok because Ernie is nearby and he used to be a dolphin before he sprouted fuzz and became a bear so he dives right in and saves the day. When they get out of the water, Colin says he would've been fine, but he was grateful for Ernie anyway. *cue "The Wind Beneath My Wings"* They talk and Amy walks off to find Regina. She's stopped by a girl named Julia who says she's Ernie's cousin. She also says she heard that Ernie and Amy broke up and when Amy confirms this, Julia says something that makes me wanna stab Ernie in the face: "It isn't really any of my business. But if you broke up with Ernie, it isn't very nice of you to keep forcing him to tag along with you everywhere you go." RAGE!

We are now at Amy's Sweet Sixteen party which is proving to be quite lame--the girls are entertaining themselves with the anchovies they plucked off the pizza. Bitchin'. The doorbell rings and Amy goes to answer it, finding a delivery of balloons on the other side. They're from Ernie...who shows up a moment later...which makes me want to break my skull and liquefy my brain so I don't remember any of this...I think I'm depressed...I hate you, Ernie. When he tries to give Amy a present, she freaks out, throws it at him, and screams at him to leave. Finally. Once Amy is alone (I guess her friends didn't wanna be alone with her anymore) she decides to go to the beach and finds Colin there. Do I even have to add that Ernie is also there? Mercifully, the chapter ends there.

A few days later, Amy and her family go on a camping trip. Most of the talk is about...bears. *sigh* Which is perfectly fitting because they find Ernie lurking in the woods. Stalker. This entire scene was totally useless...except to show that Ernie is obviously losing the last shreds of sanity he has. We're immediately taken to a few days later. Amy and Regina are sitting in Amy's room talking about Colin and the upcoming spring dance. It's not long before the subject changes to Ernie. Amy begs Regina to ask him on a date in the hopes that he'll say yes and get the hell out of Amy's life. Yeah, pass the insane stalker on to your friend. Real nice. The girls go downstairs and find Ernie's ass on the couch even though it's 10 PM. Amy leaves Regina alone with him and runs back upstairs. A few minutes later, Regina comes in and says Ernie rejected her because he's still getting over Amy. HA!

Amy's at her locker (no clue what day this is) worrying about homework and quizzes and blah blah blah. Eventually Colin comes up and ends up asking her to the dance. Amy says yes and tiny woodland creatures and sparkly butterflies fly out of Colin's ass to carry her down the hall in a cloud of shiny pixie dust. In other words, she's deliriously happy. They kiss and Amy turns to open her locker door only to find a big fat ugly Bear hiding inside. Ernie pops out, screams "Gotcha!", and runs off. Colin asks Amy if she'd like him to straighten things out with Ernie and she eagerly agrees. Good luck, buddy.

Walking home from school, Amy takes a detour past the Snack Bar and spots Colin and Ernie inside talking and laughing. This sickens Amy because laughter is poisonous and joy kills the soul.

Well, it's now the night of the big dance. I pray we make it through. (If it becomes too painful, just lie back and think of England.) Once again, Amy just can't get over herself: "She knew she looked wonderful in the flowing satiny white dress with its short-waisted, glittery, black sequined jacket. Just clingy enough, just sparkly enough, just romantic enough for dancing all night." Do you ever QUIT? She and Colin are dancing when she spies Ernie loping across the floor in their direction. Amy snaps: "No, Ernie, no! You can't do this to me! I broke up with you, Ernie! Do you hear me? Do you understand English? I broke up with you. We don't go together anymore! You don't have the right to follow me here, Ernie! You don't have the right! I broke up with you! Do you understand? I'm going to make sure you remember! I'm going to teach you to leave me alone once and for all!" She grabs a big white cake off a table and dumps it on Ernie's head. His reponse? "I was just bringing my date some punch." Turns out he's here with some chick named Ingrid and wasn't even thinking about Amy. BURN.

A few days later, Amy and Regina are walking home together and Amy says she was at Ernie's house the night before studying with he and Ingrid. Colin told her he didn't wanna see her anymore because she's a violent psycho. The book ends with Amy thinking about how cute Ernie's smile is...

Conclusion? How the hell does shit like this published? It was so bad, I was forced to kill Ernie.

Next time: "The Cataluna Chronicles: The Evil Moon" Vroom vroom kill.

Seniors #6 - The Gift

Book Description:

Jennifer is not herself. Ever since she got the antique necklace, she has been living in a nightmare. She believes the necklace is forcing her to commit terrible crimes. But will it make her kill?

My Description:

It's the day after Christmas and Jennifer Fear (the star of this EXTRAVAGANZA) is visiting Trisha Conrad. Jennifer can't wait to show Trisha her favorite present. But first Trisha wants to shove all the crap her super rich parents bought her into Jen's face. As if we need one more reminder that the Conrads are loaded. We freaking get it! Finally, Jennifer gets to show off her necklace. "The chain was made of intricate gold links. A dark red stone hung from the chain, and nestled at the base of Jennifer's throat. The stone was set in heavy gold, almost half an inch across." I like shiny things. Trisha is impressed and Jennifer says her dad found it at a junk shop in the Old Village. On the back, the words 'Dominique Fear Wuz Here' is engraved. Ok, ok, it's just 'Dominique Fear'. Damn Fears. A couple seconds later, Trisha's boy toy, Gary Fresno, calls and Trisha suddenly forgets Jennifer is in the room. Nice. As Jennifer is waiting for her shitty friend to get off the phone, she thinks about the Fear family and...well, I'm just not going there because we've heard it all before. Finally Trisha hangs up and asks Jennifer about her upcoming New Year's Eve party (Happy 1999, outdated Fear Street book! Damn. Can you believe that was 11 years ago?) Jennifer is excited about it especially since her lover boy Ty Sullivan will be there. Ooo. They recently started dating, but once he realizes how cursed the Fears are (he moved to Shadyside over the summer so he's not familiar with the Fears and how they ruin everything they touch) he'll quit that chick. Trisha changes the subject and asks to try on Jennifer's necklace. Jen wants to try on Trisha's new leather jacket so they switch. Predictably, when Trisha puts on the necklace, she has one of her stupid visions. "I saw her die! They put a noose around her neck and hanged her!" Trisha doesn't know who this person is. All she knows is the person died a long time ago. Helpful. And by 'helpful' I mean 'painfully obvious plot contrivance'.

Later that night, Ty drives Jennifer to the cemetery so they can be totally alone while he attempts to get his freak on. Why is it always the cemetery? Those people may be dead, but that doesn't mean you can do this to them! They don't want your dirty monkey sex taking place on their graves! *sigh* Damn Fears. Anyway, they make out until Ty gets nicked by Jennifer's necklace and starts to bleed all over the place. He sops it up and throws the tissue out the window before driving off. He stops in front of Jennifer's house and basically ignores her before dumping her. Ass. She's upset, but all he has to say is she's too serious and he wants to have fun. Meaning: he wants to do it and she's not having that mess. Good for you, Jennifer. She runs up to her room before he sees her cry. Ty Sullivan is an insensitive ass! Spread the word!

Now we get our first taste of freakiness caused by the necklace. I think. It's all pretty vague and we don't actually get Jennifer's name, but I'm assuming it's her and not a stupid flashback to Dominique Fear. Anyway, it's very cold and the girl is wandering around outside in her nightgown. Unfortunately, she thinks about her WOOL CAPE and how she wishes she had worn it which makes me think that this is Dominique we're talking about here (because of the old fashioned factor) and I hate it because...well, I don't know why. I just do! Isn't one Fear enough? We already have Jennifer; we don't need dear old dead Dom. Oh well. The girl keeps walking across the icy ground until she reaches some dude's house. "A single light burned in an upstairs window. Is it his light? It must be. She took a few steps closer. She cupped her hands around her eyes and gazed up. Her screams tore through the night like the shriek of the wind." What the hell? Soon, JENNIFER wakes up to find herself lying outside in the cold. She freaks out when she realizes she's in Ty's backyard and runs home. Is Jennifer dreaming through the eyes of Dominique? So many questions, so little interest.

The next day, Jennifer goes to the library to fill out her online college application, but she can't concentrate because she keeps thinking about that strange episode the night before. She explains everything to Trisha who couldn't keep her perfect rich nose out of people's business if she tried. SUCK! A cheerleader named Phoebe Yamura (who is the doomed star of the next Seniors book) interrupts the girls' conversation with this juicy bit: "Did you guys hear about Ty Sullivan? He was attacked last night. In his own backyard!" You've been a very naughty girl, Jennifer. And we all appreciate it. After all, Ty is a dirty piece of shit. Phoebe says Ty is ok except for a big ragged gash on his head. (Stifle your giggles.) Phoebe runs off to tell someone else and Jennifer tells Trisha that she and Ty broke up and she woke up in his backyard. Jen goes on and on about what happened in the cemetery and suddenly Trisha has a vision, but won't tell Jennifer what she saw. I think this vision stuff is bullshit--Trisha just zonks out when she doesn't wanna listen anymore. She tells Jennifer "Listen, I just remembered--I have to go to my grandmother's. She wants to see me before she goes to France." La di freaking da. Jennifer demands to know what Trisha saw, but it's not too interesting. "I had a flash of the attack on Ty. It was kind of blurry and I don't know exactly what happened, but...it was like I was in the attacker's head. Like I was looking out through her eyes." These visions are absolutely fucking useless. They're vague and even when she actually sees something useful, it's too late to make a difference!

Later, Jennifer meets Trisha at Shadyside's teenage mecca, Pete's Pizza. Jen flips out when Ty enters with his bandaged head. Her heart is smashed to a pulp when she see him walk up to Greta Bradley, a skanky cheerleader, and they start kissing. Ty moves fast. Trisha is furious, but Jennifer pretends like it doesn't bother her so Trisha will calm down. What a psycho.

That night, Jennifer drives Stacey Malcolm home from basketball practice. They talk about Ty and Trisha's apeshit personality until Stacey gets out. As Jennifer turns on Fear Street, she can't see a thing because it's so foggy. Suddenly some shadowy nut steps into the road, but Jennifer can't stop the car because her brakes are now shot for no apparent reason! THE HUMANITY! The guy jumps out of the way before Jennifer can mow him down and eventually she gets the car to stop. She gets out to make sure her victim is ok. Of course it turns out to be Ty. *sigh* He's pissed because he thinks she tried to run him over on purpose. "Just stay away from me! Do you hear? Stay away from me!" Drama queen.

More dreams...or whatever they happen to be. This time the chick is wandering outside at night again, but she's dressed for the cold this time. She takes a box and some matches out of her pocket... Jennifer wakes up in her own bed, but she can remember this dream. She knows she was in Ty's yard again, but not sure what she was doing. She glances at the clock and realizes she's late to pick up Trisha so they can go shopping for party junk. She gets dressed and throws on her coat, but she can only find one of her happy yellow snowflake gloves. The doorbell rings and Trisha is standing there, completely insane as usual. "Jen, listen to me! I know who it was! It was you. The attacker was you!" Oh those crazy Fears. Always maiming and killing. I don't know why Trisha is so shocked...besides the fact that she's Trisha. She goes on to tell the stunned Jennifer that someone set Ty's house on fire last night. Mwhahahaha! I love this book! No-one got hurt, but Jennifer needs to see for herself. She hurries over and sees the house is still standing, but it's pretty trashed. Bad little Jenny! Jennifer is completely freaking out and tells Trisha that her stupid vision must be wrong. Two seconds later, Trisha finds Jennifer's missing glove under a charred chunk of wood. Pwned.

The girls go to the Donut Hole (because they can't handle pizza at 10 am) and drink coffee while talking about Jennifer's unconscious desire to kill Ty Sullivan. Trisha says all this crap started when Jennifer got that necklace. Trisha also says that Dominique Fear's evil spirit is using the necklace to come back through Jennifer. Just another day in the life of a Fear. Jennifer gets really angry and runs off.

That afternoon, Jennifer heads for the gym for her last basketball practice of vacation. Unfortunately, Greta Bradley and a few other cheerleaders are hanging out near the gym doors. Jennifer can't bear to walk past them so she decides to hide until they leave. She overhears them talking about her. Apparently, Ty told Greta that Jennifer is jealous and intentionally tried to run him over. The lying lies of a liar!

That evening, Jennifer decides to scour her father's library for information on Dominique Fear. She finds an old book titled "The Fear Family - A Chronicle" and it has Dominique's birth year (1863) and a scandalous article about an affair she had with a married man which began when she was 15, ended when she was 17, and resulted in a son. SHOCK! In 1882, when Dominique was only 19, she was hanged for supposedly murdering her lover, Nigel Fetherston. Turns out Dominique had a vision of Nigel falling off a cliff and she went to warn him. His wife told her she was insane and threw her out. A few days later, Nigel did indeed fall to his death and his darling wife accused Dominique of pushing him. Her last words were "Someday, someone shall pay for my death!" And apparently that someone is Ty Sullivan. HA! It makes me laugh! I hate you, Ty! Anyway, Jennifer runs to her room and attempts to tear the necklace off, but it won't budge and starts burning her skin. Just as she starts panicking, her mom walks in and easily gets it off. After Mom leaves the room, Jennifer shoves the necklace in a sock, ties the end in a knot, and shoves it in a drawer. I had no idea old sweatsocks could be used as a barrier between evil forces and the outside world. *sigh* Oh Jennifer.

The next morning, Jennifer goes to the mall to shop for supplies for her party which is the next night. She meets Trisha at a store called Party Place and as they're shopping, Jennifer talks about all the things she found out about Dominique. A little while later, Jennifer leaces. As she's putting her bags in the trunk, someone grabs her arm. It's Ty and he is so pissed! "You attack me, then you try to run me over, then you set my house on fire. You're sick. But I should have known that. You're a Fear. [BURN!] You better stay away from me, freak. I'm warning you. Stay away from me and my family. Or I'll make you pay." Damn. Jennifer just sits there and cries after Ty leaves. Ty, you truly are a baboon's ass.

The next day, Trisha and Jennifer are decorating for Jen's party which I'm looking forward to--you KNOW something is going to go down. SQUEE! Jennifer starts crying and tells Trisha about the incident with Ty. Trisha says she'll wear the necklace for a while because Dominique can't use her because she's not a Fear. WHY? When Trisha puts it on, she gets all stiff and weird and blurts out "Someday, someone shall pay for my death!" Give me a break. *sigh* Ok, so Dominique has possessed Trisha and carries on and on about how hot Nigel was and how much she loved him and how much she came to hate him because he wouldn't lower himself to marry a Fear. She says that once she died, no-one wanted to contaminate the cemetery with a Fear so they tossed her in the woods. Then she yells that she'll have revenge and lunges for Jennifer. Luckily, Trisha passes out before she can attack Jen. Jennifer takes the necklace off Trisha and she regains consciousness. Trisha has no memory of it and tells Jennifer to put the damn necklace away.

It's now time for the PAAAARRRRTTYYYYYY! Matty Winger (resident dumbass/dork) is already being annoying, going around blowing noisemakers in everyone's face. Tons of people came, there are no adults around (typical. If there's anything Fear Street taught me it's that adults serve no purpose whatsoever so forget them just like they forgot you.) and it's only two hours until midnight. Jennifer is having fun...until she sees Ty and Greta come in. These assholes have some brass ones. Jennifer is stunned that they would have the audacity to come, but instead of kicking their butts to the curb, she decides to ignore them and enjoy herself. She dances with Kenny Klein for a while before taking a break and stepping outside for a bit. Her peaceful moment is interrupted by the sound of Trisha screaming. She rushes inside to find Kenny and Trisha staring down at something in the hall. "Jennifer glanced down and felt a wave of panic flood through her. Greta lay on the carpet in a pool of blood. Dead." Someone smashed her head in with a ceramic bowl. Ty comes up and immediately accuses Jennifer. She responds by running to the bathroom and puking up all her party treats. Trisha comes to check on her and a moment later, two officers knock on the bathroom door. Jennifer reluctantly comes out to answer their questions. How the hell did they get here so fast? Teleportation? Black magic? Oh well. They ask their questions and leave. Jennifer makes the mistake of turning to Ty and saying it must have been an accident--the bowl just fell off the shelf, that's all! Ty says "You think I believe that? It was no accident. You're jealous because I dumped you. You wanted to pay me back. You tried to run me down. Torched my house. And now-you murdered my girlfriend!" Do you honestly think you're so great that any girl would go through all that trouble? Because you're not, you smelly turd. Everyone leaves except Trisha. She tells Jennifer that she had a vision of the killer pulling down the shelf that held the bowl, insinuates that it was Jennifer, and THEN she leaves. You people suck.

The next morning, Jennifer feels and looks like roadkill; because she got next to no sleep. She goes downstairs where her parents worry over her. She ends up telling them everything that has been going on and then her dad drops a bomb on her head. "It's about our last name. It's not really...well, it's not really Fear." WHAT? Are you saying your poor demented daughter's life has been nothing but a sham?! Why, Daddy, WHHHHYYY?! The story is boring and stupid: Grandpa moved to Shadyside and took the name Fear because people were terrified of the Fears and terror equals respect and everyone wants to be respected! None of this shit makes any sense. It doesn't even say why Gramps felt a need to change his name in the first place. Anyway, Jennifer is so relieved she starts cackling like a crazy old hag. She runs upstairs, grabs the sock-full-o-evil, and tells her dad to take it the hell away. Instead, he tells her to put it in the library for some reason only he is aware of. She flips out, runs upstairs into the library, and flings the necklace across the room. "I'm not one of you! I hate you! Hate you!" She rips books off the shelves and tosses them everywhere. She stops trashing the place when an interesting thought hits her. "Why is Dominique possessing me if I'm not even a Fear?" Because she's a psycho!! Jennifer picks up the necklace and notices the stone is loose. She pries it out and finds a lock of hair behind a gold panel. Not really out of the ordinary. She starts picking up the books and a finds a SHOCKING! bit of info: Dominique Fear married someone named Henry Conrad which means TRISHA is Dominique's descendant. That explains a lot. Jennifer finds a spell in one of the books for sending a spirit back to the "other world". It involves nothing more than burning the lock of hair. How creative.

Jennifer drives to Trisha's house where Trisha's mom informs her that Trisha is with Ty. You have got to be kidding me. Jennifer drives up to the cemetery where Ty usually takes his women. She finds Ty lying on the ground unconscious with Trisha standing above him with a pair of scissors. She's possessed by Dominique who thinks Ty is Nigel and believed Greta was Nigel's bitch of a wife. Trisha chases Jennifer around the cemetery and manages to cut Jen on the wrist. This book is freaking insane. Jennifer takes out a jar that holds the ashes of the burned hair and throws the ashes into Trisha's face. Dominique's spirit is gone and Trisha remembers nothing. Can someone please kill Ty? Come on! Before he wakes up! Never mind...he's already up. They all go home.

It's the last day of vacation and everyone is spending it in the sunshine. NOT! They're all crammed into the grease pit that is Pete's Pizza. Trisha and Jennifer are talking when Ty comes up and says he's sorry for getting wasted and passing out in the cemetery (that was the story the girls told him and since he's a total lush, he believed it) and he apologizes to Jennifer for verbally beating her all those times and accusing her of killing Greta. You're still an asshat, Ty.

Now we're inside Trisha's evil mind. She already knew she was a Fear long before Jennifer figured it out. And she's been out with Ty and made out with him in the cemetery many times. Sometimes she feels an urge to kill and she knows that's just the Fear coming out in her. But Jennifer took care of that. "The evil is gone. Jennifer threw the ashes in my face. She got rid of it! Trisha's knuckles turned white. I hope."

Conclusion? This thing is so bad, it's good. I loved it's cheesy, melodramatic insanity. It's hilarious!

Next time: "How I Broke Up With Ernie" Oh man, I can't wait to get my claws into this one. It's Stine's attempt at comedy. *gag*

Fun With Google - Part XXXXIV (Or Something)

Gather round, children, and let me show you the filthy/funny/stupid ways people find their way to this blog. AGAIN.

* "2 11 year olds kissing" and "9 year olds kissing" and "hot 9 year old boys" This is not the first time that someone has searched for this filth and found their way here. For the billionth time, I do not condone pedophilia, perverts!

* "apache chief viagra" It's the fucking APACHE CHIEF! What the hell would he need with Viagra? Don't answer that.

* "besides, i'm just getting used to the chair...i'm going to sit in it again...! we're going to keep them here all fucking night! mwahahaha! oh you" *sigh* Get away from me.

* "big boner" and "big throbbing boners" How does this have ANYTHING to do with this site?!

* "big ugly boy" Poor thing.

* "boy gets killed by babysitter while playing hide and go sike" SIKE!

* "can you have a fear of babysitting" Yes, yes, a million times YES.

* "cat dies mysteriously moaning and groaning" and "cat fucker" and "cat killer" and "cute cats with dirty faces" and "cute cat crying" and many many more. Note: for the love of all things holy, leave the cats alone. End note.

* "evil hamburglar" and "evil santa claus" Always a good thing.

* "grimace behind" and "grimace gone" and "grimace steps on a dog" and "grimmace asshole" and "hamburglar grimace kiss" Ok, this shit is funny...

* "i call your boyfriend gay he throw his lipstick at me" Don't mess with a drag queen's lipstick.

* "i was hanging at julie's house in the 80s" Awesome.

* "is fear street true" If it is, I'm blowing up the planet.

* "jason voorhees pretty face" You're blind.

* "kisses on r.l. stine skull" Watch the mole.

* "mrs. alfred newman beadle daughter" RIP?

* "you ugly" Thank you. *cough*bastard*cough*

That's all I can stomach. I just...I just don't understand what the world is coming to. In other news, I'll have a real update soon. Probably. I think. Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

The Face

Book Description:

They say something horrible happened that day. But Martha can't remember any of it-not the smallest detail. They say it will come back to her in time. But someone wants her to remember NOW. She draws his face over and over-the face of a dead boy. She can't control her hand. And she can't remember how he died. But she's going to find the answer. Even if it lies with the dead.

My Description:

Prologue

Martha is dreaming of drawing a silver line on a sketch pad. But the silver turns to blood and seeps over the page. She wakes screaming...

We begin this sordid tale with Martha making vague statements about the accident that caused her memory loss. Her doctor says her memory will return someday, but what if "someday" never comes?! Martha's friends aren't the same as they used to be. She hates the fact that they treat her so delicately. I guess she would prefer they be the insensitive a-holes they always were. Speaking of friends, this leads Martha to describe them and herself. Martha is "preppy looking. I'm more J. Crew than grunge. I have blond hair [OF COURSE you do] long and very straight. Olive eyes. Big and round. My best feature. And light freckles on my cheeks that make me look about twelve years old!" Typical. Stine's fetish for blonds never fails. The friends don't get as much of a description as Martha. They're not blond, after all. Justine has red hair, blue eyes, and pillow lips. Adriana is "beautiful and dark and exotic looking." Apparently neither of them have anything even remotely resembling a personality. Once again, typical.

Martha is hanging out with her boyfriend Aaron and they're making out like they haven't seen each other in years. He breaks away for nacho chips and Lethal Weapon (BTW: Martha thinks Aaron looks like Mel Gibson.) and Martha uses this opportunity to bring up the fact that she's worried about Adriana. Aaron shows his concern by stuffing his gaping maw with more chips, grunting like a hog, and making lame jokes. And then they kiss again. *sigh* This completely useless chapter ends with "And then, the next afternoon, Adriana's brother tried to kill me."

Adriana's brother, Ivan Petrakis, is a faux thug who thinks he's the shit because he's got sideburns and an earring. He's one of those douchers who act like they came from the streets when in reality they've lived in safety in the suburbs their entire life. I hate you, Ivan. I get a little giddy when I read that Ivan has been hanging with a bad crowd from Waynesbridge. Could they be the same HARD DUDES! in The Confession? HARD DUDES! That never fails to amuse me. Anyway, after school, Martha runs into Ivan at the Division Street Mall and he offers her a ride which she foolishly accepts. As he's driving, he jokingly says they should run away and Martha acts shocked so he gets all sullen and pouts like a baby. Martha changes the subject to Adriana and Ivan says she hypnotizes herself to help her sleep. Uh...ok? Then he completely freaks out. "It isn't easy to sleep at my house, Martha! Nothing is easy at my house these days. It's a war zone." He says this like he's a grizzled veteran who just finished a couple tours in Vietnam. His parents have been fighting a lot and General Thugstein can't handle it anymore! He starts swerving all over the place and screaming "It's too much, Martha! Too much!" Then they crash into a tree. Neither of them is hurt so they cry and hold each other and try to ignore the fact that they pissed themselves on impact. Apparently they're also ignoring the fact that they just slammed into a tree because Ivan simply puts the car in reverse and they drive away. I'm so sure.

It's now Saturday afternoon and Martha is telling Adriana "Your brother is really messed up." Understatement of the motherfu*!ing century. The kid will probably spend the rest of his days in therapy. Anyway, Adriana doesn't really give a damn about her loopy brother. She just wants to know which lip gloss looks best. *sigh* They talk about other things until meddling Martha (someone has a Liz Wakefield complex) brings up Ivan again. Adriana already knows the source of all his angst and suicidal tendencies: "Ivan's problem is Laura." I know you're absolutely DYING to know who this Laura character is. Better grab your barf bag. "Laura Winter is another friend of ours. With her sleek black hair and shimmery blue-gray eyes and perfect cheekbones, she is the most beautiful girl at Shadyside High. [I don't believe it. I've heard it too many times before.]" It goes on like that ad nauseum (and believe me, I'm definitely nauseous. If Laura were a blond, I'd kill myself.) Anyway, Laura dumped Ivan and that was a huge blow to his overinflated ego so he's going around making everyone even more miserable than himself. Once again, I hate Ivan. Martha says Adriana should talk to him, Adriana says hell no because he can take care of himself, and Adriana leaves while Martha sits in her (Martha's) room thinking about how drafty it is. What a glamorous life.

Martha finally picks up her drawing pad and starts sketching that dude that's splashed all over the cover. "As if guided by a ghostly hand, I continued to draw. Staring down in amazement-in fear-I let my hand finish the drawing. I knew I couldn't stop it." THE HORROR! By the time she's finished, Martha is winded and sweaty which makes me wonder just what the hell she was REALLY drawing. She takes a look at her "masterpiece" and doesn't recognize the face. It's so detailed she realizes she must have known this person, but that pesky damaged brain of her's won't let her remember. After a few moments Martha gets an urge to draw Laura. She has drawn her before and it's never a pleasant experience: "Laura is so vain, I told myself. My drawings never satisfied her. She claimed I made her look like a brainless bimbo. [That's because she is one.]" Martha starts to draw again with Laura's big fat head in mind, but her hand isn't having that mess and draws the boy again instead. Martha freaks and rips the drawing to shreds while asking herself if she's cracking up. Like an egg, baby, like an egg.

That night, Martha (or should I start calling her The Artist?) has a date with Aaron. Ugh. She drives to the theater to meet him and finds her so-called friend Justine hanging all over him. Martha is pissed but does nothing about it because guys are just like that. GRRRR. Justine says that Aaron invited her along even though this is supposed to be a DATE. Inside, Aaron sits between the girls. "A couple of times I saw Justine's hand brush against Aaron's. I wondered if it was deliberate. Each time she touched him, I felt a cold chill." Dump them both! Seriously, you'd be better off hanging out with some angry badgers.

A little after midnight, Martha is woken by the sound of the phone ringing. It's Justine. Blah. They talk about the movie and Aaron. At his name, Justine blurts "I'm really so jealous of you. You heard me. I said I'm jealous. Aaron is such a great guy." Uh, no he isn't! He sucks! Justine changes the subject to the fact that she's poor and won't be able to go to college next fall (did financial aid not exist in 1996?) and goes on and on about how lucky Martha is. When Martha says "You're wrong. I know you think I have a perfect life, but-" Justine interrupts with "No, I don't, Martha. Your life isn't as perfect as you think." before hanging up. Ooooo.

It's now Sunday night and Martha is hanging out with her cat Rooney. She's home alone watching skiing on ESPN when she suddenly has "a flash of memory". Bits and pieces come back to her: two cabins, snow, Martha, Adriana, Justine, Laura, apple cider, a fireplace, someone knocking at the door... Martha can't remember anymore and looks down in horror at the face she drew AGAIN.

On Monday morning, Martha wakes and remembers that she has no school for no apparent reason. Martha does some errands and when she returns home, Laura is waiting in the kitchen for her. She's a little ticked because Martha promised to go with her to a photo shoot in the shitty part of town (a.k.a. Old Village) and I guess they're gonna be late or something. They get into Martha's old Volvo and Laura gabs on and on about insignificant bullshit until they arrive. The shoot goes well and on the way home, Laura blabs some more. She mentions a party at Gary Brandt's house. (I wish that skank had his own book. I get the sinking feeling, though, that it would be filled with nothing but his dirty sexcapades.) Laura says Ivan was there and he got totally wasted and passed out on the coffee table. The subject then changes to Justine and Laura has a word of advice about her: "Watch out for Justine." Will do.

The next day, Martha pays her weekly visit to Dr. Sayles, her psychiatrist. Dr. Sayles is an older fart who thinks he's hip and cool. Fortunately, he's kinda hot so he can get away with it. Also, Martha likes his Jimi Hendrix poster. Anyway, Martha tells him about her flashbacks and she's disappointed when he does nothing more than nod. What did she expect, a ravishing? Then she pulls out the drawings and the good doctor looks shocked!

Yeah, the chapter ended there. *sigh* It's now Saturday morning and Martha is sitting in her room with nothing to do but stare at her drawings of the mystery boy. Suddenly Laura and Adriana burst in and demand that she come with them because it's a gorgeous day outside and Martha shouldn't be cooped inside staring at creepy drawings and hitting the bottle. What is so important? "It's perfect sledding. The snow sort of froze. There's an icy crust on top. You've got to come to Miller Hill with us, Martha!" Martha isn't that enthused about the crusty crustiness on the hill and thinks the girls are acting like children, but she goes anyway. They actually have fun...until Martha loses her mind. She picks up a lot of speed going down the hill, starts screaming "in horror", and blacks out. Or something. She makes it home where her parents make her soup and call Dr. Sayles. While Martha is in bed, she has another flashback. This time she sees herself, Aaron, Justine, Laura, Adriana, and Ivan having a snowball fight. It's all kicks and giggles until Justine starts hurling snowballs as hard as she can at Martha, deliberately trying to hurt her. She also remembers being inside a cabin kissing a boy that isn't Aaron...it's the boy in the drawings.

The next afternoon, Martha shoves the drawings into her backpack and sneaks out to meet Aaron. She runs to his house, but when he answers the door, he acts pretty damn shifty and hesitates to let Martha in. When he finally does, Martha realizes that Justine is also here. Busted! Aaron makes some lame excuse about Justine stopping by to borrow his graphing calculator. They claim Justine was hiding in the kitchen because they didn't wanna upset Martha. WTF? Of course Martha accepts this without question and Justine leaves a moment later. Aaron and Martha sit down to talk and he mentions that when Martha gets her memory back, it'll be difficult for her because something horrible happened. She takes the opportunity to pull out the drawings and Aaron has the same reaction that Dr. Sayles has, looking like he just swallowed a giant junebug. Martha demands to know who it is, but Aaron refuses to tell. He does, however, mention that this gentleman is as dead as a doornail. Well, that's just dandy.

On Tuesday night, Martha finishes her homework and brings out her drawing pad. She stares at the dead boy she can't seem to get enough of and decides he might be controlling her hand from beyond the grave so she'd better draw a cat instead. No comment. A moment later, her mom yells that Adriana is here. Adriana enters the room a moment later and she's all upset and such because her dad moved out. Adriana says she's worried about Ivan because she found a new tape player and Discman in his room (I miss the 90s) and she wonders where he got the money. She thinks he's been stealing and those HARD DUDES! from Waynesbridge probably put him up to it! Bastards! Suddenly Adriana stops talking and gets an angry expression on her face. Martha looks down and realizes that she drew the dead kid instead of a cuddly kitty. Adriana finally gets hold of herself and asks Martha if she wants to go to a basketball game on Friday...

Laura goes with them to the game and they all have tons of fun. Yee haw! Go Tigers! About halfway through the game, the girls start to go to the food counter which is outside the gym. But they don't even make it down the bleachers because Martha thinks all of the players look like the dead guy and she freaks out and falls down in the aisle. Laura and Adriana drag her outside and Adriana sits with her while Laura runs back inside to get her a drink. Adriana decides to calm her lunatic friend by hypnotizing her with a coin. But Laura returns and Martha brushes Adriana away. Martha once again loses it a moment later when neither of the girls will tell her who the dead boy is. Will you assholes just tell her?! She'll find out sooner or later so why torture her? Instead of going home, they all go back inside where Martha spots Aaron and Justine making out in a shadowy corner. As if we didn't see that one coming. If you show even the slightest SHRED of shock, Martha, I will slap the taste out of your mouth. Martha is speechless so Adriana tells them to take a hike. A few moments later, Martha runs home in the dark and once there, she has more flashbacks.

The flashbacks include Martha kissing some guy who tastes like chocolate in the cabin that repeatedly shows up in these visions and when she starts to break away, she says "No. Sean-please." They fight, she slaps him, and her memory grows fuzzy again. Martha notices the light blinking on her answering machine and she plays the following message: "You keep drawing him because you killed him." How helpful, anonymous caller. Martha thinks it sounds a little like Laura and is horrified at the message.

The next day (I assume?) Martha visits Dr. Corben who is going to hypnotize her in an attempt to pull all her sordid forgotten memories to the surface. I'm sure this won't end badly. Dr. Corben is a short, older lady who likes Garfield and asking lots and lots of questions. Martha mentions Adriana (Dr. Corben is also her doctor) and the doctor freaks out when she learns that Adriana attempted to hypnotize Martha. When Martha asks if Dr. Corben can hypnotize her, the doctor says she'll have to talk to her parents. I assumed you already did that which was stupid of me because you're as useless as every other psychiatrist in this hellhole. Martha flees the office and outside it's dark and rainy (what day is this? Where am I? Where are my freaking meds?!?!) and she finds Aaron waiting in the parking lot to explain about him and Justine. Is a dark, soggy parking lot really the place for this? Oh well. He says he and Justine have been sneaking around for several months, but Martha really doesn't seem to give a shit. She just wants to know who Sean is and how he died, but Aaron refuses to tell her even though he owes her BIG time.

After school on Wednesday, Martha is at her locker when she hears the sound of some fool getting his ass kicked. Yes, it's Ivan. The principal intervenes all too soon and leads Ivan away to bleed in the office. When Martha gets home, Laura calls her to gab about Ivan which leads Martha to suddenly remember something: "Laura- You broke up with Ivan to go out with Sean!" Interesting. Kinda. Martha begs Laura to tell her about that week at the cabin Laura predictably refuses and hangs up the phone, and a moment later, memories come flooding back to Martha. "I was going to remember it all. All the fun. All the trouble. All the horror." Don't be so dramatic--we all know it's not going to be that fun, troublesome, or horrible.

Prepare for the flashback. Snow, sledding, everybody is having fun, blah blah. We learn a few tidbits about Sean: he's good looking and is from Old Village which means he's poor white trash and a friend of Ivan's. After sledding a while, they all decide to ski next and Sean wants to go first down the hill. Instead of reaching the bottom, he meets his death somewhere in the middle thanks to a wire that someone has stretched across the path. "The wire caught him at the throat. Cut through his neck. A straight line. A silver line. It cut through his neck. [Yeah, we get it.] Bright red splashed on both sides of the silver line. I still didn't move. I didn't believe it. No-one moved. We all stood at the edge, staring down in silence. The silver wire sliced off Sean's head. I watched his body continue to ski. The skis carried it for several yards before it collapsed. And Sean's head bounced onto the snow. And emptied out. Emptied out. Emptied out. Staring up at us. Puddling the snow dark red." Nuh-uh.

Martha snaps back to reality and finds herself staring at a drawing of Sean. She's incredibly disturbed by the memory of Sean's gruesome death and by the fact that the night before his death, she and he had a big fight. A moment later, Adriana calls and Martha says she remembers almost everything. Adriana fills in the few its that Martha can't recall, saying the police came to investigate who had strung the wire and why (could a wire actually slice off someone's head? Someone call the Myth Busters!) but they never figured it out. Adriana says she's coming over and after they hang up, Martha sits and wonders why she was the only one out of everyone who was there when Sean died to lose her memory and also, who could have killed Sean? Martha digs in her closet to find something to change into before Adriana arrives and conveniently comes across the bag she brought to the cabin which she never unpacked. She finds things stuffed at the bottom. It's a ROLL OF WIRE! And WIRE CUTTERS to cut the ROLL OF WIRE! NOOOOO! IT'S SOOOOOO DRAMATIC!

Adriana shows up and Martha tells her that she must have killed Sean and shows her the ROLL OF WIRE! and the WIRE CUTTERS! Then Ivan shows up for absolutely no reason and informs Martha that HE killed Sean. YOU killed Sean. I killed Sean. We ALL fucking killed Sean! Seriously, make up your minds. Ivan's excuse for killing Sean is as stupid and lame as you thought it would be: "[Sean] found out that I stole a car. I stole a car [You people really enjoy repeating yourself repeating yourself.] and I wrecked it. I ran away. I wasn't caught." And? "I made a mistake. I told Sean about it. I thought he was my friend. I had to tell someone. I-I was kind of scared. I couldn't keep it to myself. But I never should have told him. Sean started asking me for money. He said he'd turn me in to the police if I didn't give it to him." And you wouldn't pony up the dough so you just HAD to lop off his head with a wire instead of owning up to what you did, right? Jerk. Ivan says he never actually intended to kill Sean, he only wanted to hurt him so he put the wire low to the ground to trip him up. "I don't know what happened. I guess the snow shifted. The wind blew the snow away during the night. So the wire was much higher." Dude, just shut up. Ivan wants to call the police and confess, but Adriana flips out: "Martha killed him! You KNOW Martha killed him! She did it! She did!" *sigh* Adriana demands to know why her brother is screwing everything up and blah blah blah. Eventually she says that Martha was supposed to die, not Sean.

As much as it literally PAINS me to say it, Adriana wanted Martha dead because Sean liked Martha and Adriana liked Sean and if she couldn't have him, no-one could. Or something. I don't know. I'm over it. Adriana says she hypnotized Martha to make her lose her memory. I'm so sure a 17 year old girl would be so skilled at hypnosis. Then Adriana, who has completely lost her damn mind, grabs the wire and starts choking Martha, but she stops when she spots a drawing of Sean. "She stared unblinking, hypnotized by the face. The face that had puzzled me, upset me-horrified me for so long. The face that had saved my life." And now we're in a Hallmark movie.

Conclusion? 150 pages of bullshit.

Next time: "Seniors #6 - The Gift" A necklace that forces the wearer to commit acts of atrocity? Yes, please.