Happy St. Patrick's Day

The Cataluna Chronicles: The Evil Moon

Book Description:

Bryan wants the Cataluna more than he's ever wanted anything. The sleek white car is all he can think about. And he'll do whatever it takes to get it. Steal. Even kill. But Bryan is the one who could end up dead. Inside the Cataluna lives an ancient evil. And it wants him.

My Description:

Let's just get this out of the way: I am not going to compare this to Christine. Promise! Ok, let's get started...

Prologue

Two boys, Matt and Chris, are touring a used car lot in the middle of the night. They're admiring the white Cataluna and realize that it's the only car on the lot that doesn't have a price "soaped" on the windshield. Matt gets excited when he sees that the keys are in the ignition and they decide to take it for a joy ride, claiming they'll bring it back in a hour. You two probably won't be alive for another hour. They speed off to Fear Street (didn't see that one coming) blaring Aerosmith when suddenly they hear a woman's voice: "Having fun, boys?" They start to freak out when the car speeds up by itself and starts swerving all over the place. Matt and Chris are geniuses and decide to jump out of the car even though it's going over 80. They land in the middle of the road and promptly get ran over by a truck. "Bump, bump. Bump, bump. The trucks middle tires hit. Bump, bump. The rear tires." Damn. The driver gets out, sees the bloody broken bodies, and vomits on the side of the road. He turns to look at the Cataluna and says "It's staring at me." Indeed. The end of the prologue is from the point of view of someone who was a victim of the car in 1698 which makes no frigging sense because as far as I know, there were no cars then. Unless my old history classes lied to me. Fuck the public school system!

Part One - West Hampshire Colony (1698)

We will now step back in time to Ye Olde Village. 15 year old Catherine Hatchett is peeking in the window of Ye Olde Schoolhouse (ok, I'll stop with that) listening as Master Porter teaches the boys Latin. Once, Catherine got her hands on a hornbook and got in trouble for reading it. Sinning wench! How dare she let her desire for learning get in the way of her household drudgery?! Catherine is a feminist who thinks it's total bullshit that she can't learn along with the boys. After the teacher puts the switch to a couple of kids who don't know the answer to his question, class is over. Upon coming outside, the boys spot Catherine and start taunting her. They keep screaming that she's bad luck until she runs off, but they chase her. Some jerk named John North says if she thinks she's as good as any boy, then she should prove it by wrestling him. Kick him in the nads and let's call it a day, Cath. Instead, Catherine picks up a rock and hurls it at the circle of boys, hitting one named Charles. In her defense, they WERE threatening to cut off her head with a hatchet. Catherine freaks out, but the boys start laughing because the little bastard isn't REALLY dead. She runs away and heads home where her mother Martha gets on her case for not helping make dinner and for getting so dirty. This chick is having the day from hell. When she tells her mother that the boys were calling her Bad Luck Catherine, Ma is absolutely no comfort: "You are bad luck and that is the shameful truth. Born under a bad moon.: You, Martha Hatchett, are a real bitch. And THAT'S the shameful truth! She doesn't stop there. She carries on about Catherine's moon-shaped birthmark and how she has cursed the entire family and finally Catherine flees the house. She runs into the woods until she reaches the tiny house of Crazy Gwendolyn, the obligatory witchy woman that all Olde Villages had. Even though Gwen is a little kooky, she's very kind to Catherine and totally my favorite character so far. She and Catherine drink tea and talk until dusk. Even though Catherine doesn't wanna go back to her shitty family, Gwen insists that they'll be worried (she obviously doesn't know them. They've probably completely forgotten Catherine is alive.) So Catherine finally goes.

In the woods, Catherine freaks out and starts running after thinking she hears footsteps. Unfortunately, she trips on a tree root and two assholes named Joseph and William take the opportunity to surround her. They proceed to list all the bad things that have occurred lately and blame Catherine's bad luck. There are no words for how utterly stupid the people in this town are. The boys tell her that she'll soon be banished from the colony, but until then...well, it's not really clear what they plan to do. Joseph says he'll take of her and tells his brother to go home. Joseph ends up kissing Catherine and telling her he cares about her. Does. Not. Compute. Sadly, she's stupid enough to believe him and agrees to meet him again.

Three weeks later, Catherine is setting the table for dinner and daydreaming about marrying Joseph. Fool. Since that first kiss, they've met in secret several times because Joseph is a jackass who would be horribly ashamed if anyone knew. A storm is raging outside and Catherine's father comes in dripping wet. He says he was at a town meeting to discuss what to do about Catherine. At least her family is on her side. *sigh* 1698 sucks.

Part Two - Shadyside (1995)

Bryan Folger is getting chewed out by his boss, Mr. Robbins, for screwing up some mundane detail. He works at Happy Burger (no, he's not in trouble for poisoning the customers) and hates it and in turn, his boss hates his crappy attitude. All Bryan wants to do is cruise around in the white car he saw at Denny's car lot (ruh roh) with his girlfriend Misty. After royally screwing up a customer's order, Mr. Robbins flips out and fires him. Bryan sobs into a pile of soggy French fries and stale Happy buns because he won't be able to save up enough money to buy the car now! I guess finding another job is out of the question. Anyway, Bryan's sadness turns to rage and he ends up sloshing hot grease all over Mr. Robbins. At least he thought it was hot. Robbins laughs in his face and tells him to get the hell out.

Bryan rides his bicycle home in the rain, changes into dry clothes, and decides to ride over to Misty's house since the rain has finally stopped. Misty is a rich blond who lives in a giant house. Of course she does. Bryan doesn't like her wealthy father because he looks down on Bryan for being poor. After Bryan tells Misty he lost his job and tried to maim his boss, they make out and then Bryan starts yapping about the Cataluna. Misty doesn't like hearing about this car all the time so she changes the subject to their upcoming date on Friday night. She wanted to go to a fancy restaurant, but Bryan says he doesn't have the money so Misty suggests they stay home and rent movies instead. Ok, I really don't get it. She has gobs of money so why the hell can't SHE pay? Misty sucks.

After leaving Misty's palace, Bryan goes to his friend Alan's house. Alan is also sickeningly rich. They drive to Denny's car lot in Alan's mother's car to admire the stupid Cataluna. After Bryan says "Do you think it's possible to fall in love with a car?" Alan suggests they just steal the damn thing. But he's just joking! HAHAHA! He's so rich he doesn't HAVE to steal anything! Unlike his piss poor friend! HAHAHA! *sigh* Alan sucks.

We're now back at the car lot (no idea what day this is). A salesman offers to let Bryan test drive the Cataluna and Bry nearly wets his Underoos in excitement. As they're driving, Bryan hears the girl's voice: "Hi, Bryan. You and I are going to have fun together." She starts laughing...and Bryan ends up plowing the car into a lamppost. Smooth. The salesman completely loses his freaking mind, but amazingly the car doesn't have a scratch on it, a fact that neither of these dudes finds odd. The salesman kicks Bryan out of the car: "Come back when you learn how to drive, kid!" Oh Bryan.

Two weeks have passed since the Happy Burger incident and Bryan now has a job delivering flowers. He stops at the Sandersons' house, but no one answers the door. Bryan is pissed because he'll have to take the flowers back to the store and some other delivery boy might end up with the tip Bryan deserves. So Bry decides to let himself in. The front door is unlocked (how convenient) and Bryan peeks inside. He sees a wallet lying on a table and takes a couple hundred dollars. Suddenly a woman calls out "Hey-is someone there?" You bet your sweet ass there is! And he's ripping you off! So get off the toilet and get him! Bryan dashes inside a closet before she can catch him. He politely leaves the flowers in the hall, though. As soon as the woman walks off, Bryan runs back to the delivery van to admire his stealings. He decides that this is the perfect way to get the rest of the money he needs to buy the car. "Steal it. So easy. What could wrong?" You're an idiot, Bryan.

Part Three - West Hampshire Colony (1698)

Crap. I thought we put 1698 behind us. My drugged out English teacher was right when she said history repeats itself. Anyway, everyone is gathered in the meeting all to verbally bash Catherine Hatchett. They all take turns talking about all the tragic things that have been happening and blaming Catherine because she's such bad luck. Assholes. Her unbelievably shitty parents stand up and tell everyone that she's not really their child, they found her on their doorstep when she was a baby. "How could we know she was a child of evil!" Catherine flees the building (yes, she was eavesdropping on this ugly mess) and runs to Joseph's house...where she find him getting cozy with some red-haired skank. Yes, it gets worse. When Catherine tells him she needs help, he just says "And what do you expect me to do about it? Did you want me to ride you out of town myself?" Then he and his fugly ho have a good laugh at Catherine's expense. This girl's life is so bleak, I think I might cry....

She runs to Gwendolyn's house and tells her everything. Old Gwen is ready to care of business: "Gwendolyn stood slowly. She pulled back her lips and let out a long animal hiss. Gwendolyn's whiskery face began to darken. The whiskers grew longer. Then Gwendolyn uttered a longer hiss. A hiss of pain. Needle-sharp claws popped out of her outstretched fingertips. [Her] long silver hair whirled around her body as if it had come alive. Wherever it touched her skin, the skin turned black. And furry. Moments later, tall old Gwendolyn Parrish no longer stood before Catherine. In her place stood a black cat. The old cat stretched, arching its back. Then the cat cried "Come, Catherine, you can do it, too! You are a shape-shifter! You are my daughter." First of all, her whiskers are sexy. Second, OF COURSE Catherine is her daughter. Third, what in the bloody hell does any of this have to do with a car?!

The cat tells Catherine they were both born under an evil moon and she commands Catherine to change. Catherine does and both black cats leap through the woods until they reach Joseph's house where Catherine proceeds to claw both of his eyes out. Sweet! As Joseph screams, Catherine laps up the blood that is splattered everywhere until she realizes that his brother William is also in the room. He's freaked out, but breaks his fear (a little too late) and starts to choke Catherine. She bites him and runs off into the night. She makes her way back to her house to gather her belongings (she's in human form now). Her father greets her at the door with a gun. "The bad luck must die."

Part Four - Shadyside (1995)

Blah blah blah car lot at night blah blah the Cataluna rocks the casbah blah. *sigh* Either buy the damn thing or shut up about it! Bryan is with Alan and Misty who doesn't care about the car and has on her bitch face. Finally they leave because Misty won't stop whining. THEN she gets pissed because Bryan doesn't wanna go to a movie with her and Alan. Shut. Up. They drop Bryan off at his house and once they're gone, he starts walking to Canyon Road where a lot of wealthy people live. He plans to rob some of them blind. What could happen? Don't answer that. He creeps up to a huge Victorian and realizes the television is on so someone must be home and he better get the hell away. But he's not discouraged. He just trots over to another house, judges it empty and shatters a back window with a rock. Did Brinks Home Security not exist in 1995? Anyway, he hauls himself inside and fumbles through the dark until he scores: he finds a box filled with cash shoved in the back of a drawer. Just as Bryan is preparing the grab it, someone grabs him. It's the frigging COPS. Turns out Bryan DID set off a silent alarm. Stupid boy. Of course he gets off fairly easily: 3 months of community service. He's more upset about the fact that Misty broke up with, claiming her parents don't want her dating a dirty criminal.

So Bryan starts his community service which turns out to be cashiering at the hospital gift shop. That's supposed to be punishment? Bullshit. Bryan has Cataluna fever and pretty much has no idea what's going on half the time because the car takes up all of his brain space. I'm going to assume that's the reason why he robs the cash register. Yes, this idiot takes a big wad and honestly doesn't think he'll get caught even though he JUST GOT ARRESTED for the same thing! He races home on his bike (I guess he got away with it after all), finds that he finally has enough to get the car, and makes his way to the lot only to find the car isn't there. *sigh* Will this shit never end?

Part Five - West Hampshire Colony (1698)

So yeah, Catherine's father is holding a gun, but doesn't shoot her (he threatens to if she ever shows her face around here again). She sleeps in the woods and wakes to the sound of villagers' voice nearby. They think she must have fled to another village and if they find her in THIS village, they'll hang her. She makes her way to Gwendolyn's house and finds quite the shitty sight: "Blood. Pulpy red flesh. Bones. The remains of a cat. A cat that had been skinned." The only character in this book I cared about, the only awesome one, has to go and die! SOB! Catherine runs deeper into the woods and check this insanity: she comes upon the Cataluna (she calls it "white monster"). She approaches it, but two man grab her...

Part Six - Shadyside (1995)

What happened to the Cataluna? Alan bought it. Yep, this is gonna be the ass kicking of the century. Bryan goes to Alan's house and demands he hand over the keys. When Alan refuses, Bryan goes completely apeshit and starts smashing him in the face. Once Alan is on the ground and helpless, Brayn turns it up a notch: "Bryan locked both hands together like a club and swung at Alan's jaw with all his might. Alan's head jerked to the side. He sagged onto his back, his body twisted at an unnatural angle. Blood poured from his nose and mouth." Two words: psych ward. He digs through Alan's pockets until he finds the Cataluna's key and drives away. He immediately hears the girl's voice. She blabs on about how they'll be together forever. Suddenly the car is out of his control and swerving all over the place. They almost kill some little kids, crash through a garage, and end up cutting off this dude's hand...which is still holding his football. Sick.

The Cataluna is now back in Alan's driveway looking completely pristine. The police along with Misty and Alan are standing around it. Bryan is still inside. "Burst blood vessels had turned his face reddish-blue. A terrifying silent scream twisted his features. His blank eyes bulged. His dead hands still gripped the wheel." Wow. Turns out Alan had gotten his parents to buy the car for Bryan's birthday. No comment.

Part Seven - West Hampshire Colony (1698)

The men are roughly dragging Catherine through the woods by her hair. They reach a group of villagers and a noose hanging from a nearby tree. Catherine pleads with them to let her go, but no-one pays any attention. As she's hanging from the rope barely breathing, she remembers she can shape-shift. She changes into a tiny white rat and dives down Edmund Parker's (he's Joseph's father and the ringleader of this entire thing) throat, effectively choking him. Cha-ching! Catherine runs into the woods and transforms into a white horse. As she gallops away, William (Joseph's bro/Edmund's son) screams that he will have his revenge. Yeah right.

Epilogue

More of William's vows of vengeance. Waste of paper.

Conclusion? I loved the gruesome gory stuff. Yes, I'm sick in the head. The one thing I really hated? The fact that the car was sitting in the woods in 1698. Why and how?! For that matter, what the hell did ANY of the Catherine stuff have to do with the modern stuff?

Next time? "99 Fear Street: The First Horror" It's EEEEEEVILLLL! OoOoOo!

How I Broke Up With Ernie

Book Description:

After a year of going steady, Amy knew that breaking up with Ernie would be hard-but she never expected this! Ernie doesn't yell, he doesn't protest, he doesn't even ask what happened. But then he doesn't stop coming around either. Suddenly Ernie is like a bad case of hiccups [or herpes]...Amy just can't get rid of him! Amy is afraid she'll never get to know Colin, the new guy in her life, with Ernie tagging along on every date. To make matters even worse, her parents seem to be on Ernie's side! She realizes that breaking up with someone is supposed to be painful. But it shouldn't be impossible, should it? When Amy finally does break up with Ernie, you'll break up, too-with laughter!

My Description:

HAR HAR HAR! I'm just beside myself with the giggles! *sigh* Amy Wayne has just announced to her friend Regina Green that she's decided to end things with Ernie. Regina is shocked because Amy has been dating this weirdo for over a year and in the land of teenagers, that's practically an eternity. Thrown in with Regina's proclamations of disbelief, we get descriptions of the girl. Predictably, Amy is the prettiest, blondest girl at Seaview High and Regina is just her dark haired, less attractive friend who lives only to serve Amy. BARF. Anyway, Amy explains that she's bored with Ernie and lately everything about him gets on her nerves. Like what? you may ask. Well...his curly hair (I take offense), the way he clicks his tongue, the amount of freckles he has, and the fact that his nickname is Bear. "It's a perfect nickname. Ernie looks like a bear!" No, Regina. He really doesn't. He looks like a goofy, less attractive version of Robert Patrick circa 1991. Amy says she's hesitant to break up with Ernie Bear because she doesn't wanna hurt him. I guess she doesn't consider the list of insults hurtful? The girls change the subject to the upcoming spring dance and Regina grabs Amy's new yearbook to take a look at who Amy wants to take. She spots Colin Sturbridge's photo and the message he wrote above it:

Amy-
Love ya,
Colin

What a dish! A man of such thought provoking, passionate words! (WARNING: SARCASM) Regina flips out because she's not a fan of Colin's: "Amy, really! That YUPPIE! He wears designer gym socks!" She also says he's a stiff who probably doesn't bend at the waist. So...he's a rigor mortis stricken corpse? I thought this was a comedy, not another poorly written attempt at horror. Regina also hates the fact that Colin drives a Saab, a car of "upward mobility and crass materialism!" Dammit, will you chill the hell out? You hate him--we get it! Just as Regina is about to apologize for being such a harpy, Amy's psychotic younger brothers (a.k.a. the dead-eyed little bastards on the cover) come barging in wanting to know where Bear is. She says he's coming later and pushes them out of her room. The girls start thinking about ways for Amy to end things with the giant freckled furball known as Bear. Amy gets pissed when Regina suggests that Ernie is too unrefined to be dumped in a fancy French restaurant. "Don't make fun of Ernie. Just because he's big and grins a lot doesn't mean he's dumb." In this case it does. Suddenly a bright idea dawns on Amy's dusty brain: she'll just sit down with Ernie and break it to him gently. Brilliant!

Amy leaves immediately, leaving Regina to be devoured by her demonic fork-tongued brothers. On the way to see Ernie, Amy thinks about what she'll say to him. Everything she comes up with is ripped right out of every cheesy romance novel in the world. As she walks along, we gets descriptions of the town which is just Shadyside in an alternate universe. Seriously. They have an Old Village and Pete's Pizza Heaven which is the main hangout because no matter what town they live in, teenagers need that sweet sweet nectar (known in some circles as GREASE). Amy has arranged to meet Ernie here because it's a public place and there will be witnesses in case he loses his freaking mind. And how could he not? Amy is such a catch. HA. Anyway, she finds him and immediately upon sitting down, she starts thinking about how annoying he is. The poor sap has barely opened his mouth! They have a short discussion about the ingredients of Coke, the beauty of hot pizza, and Amy's hair before being interrupted by Ernie's doofy friends, Buddy and Greg. Amy sits by while the three bears talk and stuff their faces. Finally she and Ernie leave and start walking home. Ernie makes a detour to the hardware store to get oil for his beloved lawn mower. As they're passing other stores, Amy thinks about how annoying he is. That's getting really old...plus, at this point, I find Amy about 3648576383 times more annoying than him.

When they eventually reach Ernie's house (Amy literally spends the entire walk thinking about how annoying he is. He's not even doing anything!) he says he'll see her later. He comes to her house every night for dinner because his parents only feed him dog food or something. As Amy is trudging home, Colin pulls up beside her in his shiny, crass, materialistic Saab (get out of my head, Regina!) and Amy nearly wets her pants because he's oh-so-pretty with his dimples and cleft chin. He asks her if she's free on Saturday night because some dude named Rob Litton is having a big party, but Amy declines because she's going out with Ernie. Ok, I don't get this chick. She never shuts the fuck up about how horrible Ernie is and desperately wants to rid herself of him and go out with Colin yet she just had the opportunity to do both and didn't take it. Amy, you're breaking my brain box.

When Amy arrives home, she gets a nice little surprise: "She found [her brothers] standing on chairs in front of her dresser mirror. They had taken out her makeup box. They had opened every tube and jar. Max had covered his forehead in purple lipstick. His cheeks were covered in blue eyeshadow. Mike had an enormoud black mascara mouth that ran down past his chin. He had bright red dots all over his cheeks." Rather than murdering them both in cold blood, Amy yells for a second until they tell her that they're supposed to be flowers and then she just laughs. Good save, creeps. I just can't see a teenage girl being so cool about her little brothers trashing her makeup supply. They all run downstairs when her father comes in from work and he gets pissed at Amy because he thinks she's the one who emasculated his sons which makes her throw a fit because she gets blamed for everything! WAHHHHH! Ernie shows up a minute later and the entire crazy family sits down to dinner after Amy's dad offers Ernie a beer which is a running joke between the two. Yeah, moving on... As Amy watches Ernie goof around with her family, she wonders how they'll take it when she breaks up with him...when she eventually gets around to it. Regina calls during dinner and wants to know if Amy cut things off yet and if not, why? Why is she so worked up over it anyway? This isn't a threesome. When Amy returns to the table, she suddenly gets the notion that her mom and dad are in a conspiracy with Ernie. What the hell is wrong with her? A conspiracy for WHAT?! It doesn't help matters when Amy's father says he wants Ernie to work in his office this summer. Amy is completely losing it inside, but she just smiles and nods.

After dinner, Amy gets Ernie alone and attempts to break up with him, but he just wants to make out and then Amy's bros come running in screaming "Bear!" *sigh* Ernie tucks them into bed after wrestling with them (he struck the child!) and finally seems like he's gonna listen. But he doesn't. He just keeps running his yapper, telling Amy he wants to give her his letter jacket and Amy is so touched that she can't possibly break up with him! Excuse me while I rip every last strand of hair from my aching head.

Amy is sitting in her fourth period English class fighting to stay awake. The occasional thought drifts through her sluggish brain: how her teacher closely resembles a sea gull (Stine is always comparing people to birds. How the hell can someone look like a damn bird?), the ocean, and Regina who she passes a note to which is intercepted by the cranky, menopausal teacher. The bell rings, but she says no-one is leaving until Regina reads the note aloud. All it says is that Amy couldn't break up with Ernie and she'll have to try again today. Apparently the whole school knows about Amy and Ernie and are in awe of their superfantasmagorical relationship. So when the class hears that Amy wants to break it off with Ernie, they react as if someone just declared World War 3.

It's time for lunch and Regina tells Amy to just get it over with. Once again, she tries...and actually succeeds! Unfortunately, the dumb bastard thinks it's a joke and walks off with a big grin on his face which means we have to endure about 100 more pages of this crap. Do I sound bitter? Well, it's only because I'm bitter.

After school, Amy blubbers all over Regina because break-ups are haaaarrrrrd. Yes, she thinks Ernie got the message and it's over. They're both idiots. The girls sit on the sidewalk and talk about what happened until Amy gets freaked out by a seagull that's giving her the evil eye so they part ways and go home. At dinner, BEAR shows up at Amy's house for his table scraps. Of course Amy silently fumes instead of telling that dum dum to get lost. The family treats Ernie like a saint, as usual. After dinner, he asks Amy to help him with his homework and AGAIN Amy momentarily forgets that she hates this guy. You have got to be kidding me. I hate this book. Comedy my ass. Anyway, Regina shows up and Amy invites her to join them. Ernie goes to tuck in Amy's brothers and Regina uses the opportunity to passive-aggressively berate Amy for not getting rid of him. Shut your face, Regina. Since you seem to be the filling in this shit sandwich, why don't YOU break up with him?!? She leaves a moment later and Ernie soon follows. Then Colin calls and Amy says yes to a date for Friday night.

Flash forward to Friday night. Amy is getting dressed and admiring herself in the mirror. "She was wearing a black silky blouse and a faded denim miniskirt over black tights. She walked over to her dresser and picked up a pair of dangly, blue plastic earrings to add a little color." Meh. Amy calls this look "sophisticated but casual. Sexy but not obvious." Her self-worship is interrupted by one of her little brothers asking when Bear is coming. Amy says he isn't and kicks the kid out. A moment later, Colin shows up and the kids are disappointed by how lame he is. He won't even wrestle them! After being disrepected by the Turd Bros., Colin leaves with Amy on his arm. As soon as they're outside, Ernie comes running up. The stupid fucker climbs into the car with them like he was invited and neither Colin nor Amy tell him to get lost. I would've broken his legs and dumped in a ditch. I can't even recap the date...it's everything you'd think it would be, only worse.

After the movie (which was some clay animation thing that Amy hated) Ernie meets up with his stupid friends, Buddy and Greg, in the parking lot while Amy and Colin hurry to the car hoping to ditch him. Sadly, one tire is flat. Ernie changes it because Colin doesn't want to soil himself and afterward, they all head to Pete's Pizza Heaven much to Amy's ANNOYANCE (what else is new?).

The next morning, Amy wakes from a nightmare about Ernie. She decides she's got to find a way to get rid of him because he's ruining her life. She walks over to the window and sees Ernie washing her dad's car. She throws on her clothes, races outside, and tells Ernie she doesn't wanna see him for a while. He seems to get it this time and actually leaves.

Later, Amy and Regina go to the beach. Regina can't get over how pale they both are: "We look like Puffed Rice." Uh...good one? Suddenly Colin appears out of nowhere and he and Amy apologize to each other for the night before even though it's ERNIE who should be apologizing. Speaking of him, he's lying nearby reading a magazine. *sigh* After Colin decides to go for a swim, Amy goes to confront Ernie. But she doesn't get a chance because the waves carry Colin out too far and apparantly there are no lifeguards around. But it's ok because Ernie is nearby and he used to be a dolphin before he sprouted fuzz and became a bear so he dives right in and saves the day. When they get out of the water, Colin says he would've been fine, but he was grateful for Ernie anyway. *cue "The Wind Beneath My Wings"* They talk and Amy walks off to find Regina. She's stopped by a girl named Julia who says she's Ernie's cousin. She also says she heard that Ernie and Amy broke up and when Amy confirms this, Julia says something that makes me wanna stab Ernie in the face: "It isn't really any of my business. But if you broke up with Ernie, it isn't very nice of you to keep forcing him to tag along with you everywhere you go." RAGE!

We are now at Amy's Sweet Sixteen party which is proving to be quite lame--the girls are entertaining themselves with the anchovies they plucked off the pizza. Bitchin'. The doorbell rings and Amy goes to answer it, finding a delivery of balloons on the other side. They're from Ernie...who shows up a moment later...which makes me want to break my skull and liquefy my brain so I don't remember any of this...I think I'm depressed...I hate you, Ernie. When he tries to give Amy a present, she freaks out, throws it at him, and screams at him to leave. Finally. Once Amy is alone (I guess her friends didn't wanna be alone with her anymore) she decides to go to the beach and finds Colin there. Do I even have to add that Ernie is also there? Mercifully, the chapter ends there.

A few days later, Amy and her family go on a camping trip. Most of the talk is about...bears. *sigh* Which is perfectly fitting because they find Ernie lurking in the woods. Stalker. This entire scene was totally useless...except to show that Ernie is obviously losing the last shreds of sanity he has. We're immediately taken to a few days later. Amy and Regina are sitting in Amy's room talking about Colin and the upcoming spring dance. It's not long before the subject changes to Ernie. Amy begs Regina to ask him on a date in the hopes that he'll say yes and get the hell out of Amy's life. Yeah, pass the insane stalker on to your friend. Real nice. The girls go downstairs and find Ernie's ass on the couch even though it's 10 PM. Amy leaves Regina alone with him and runs back upstairs. A few minutes later, Regina comes in and says Ernie rejected her because he's still getting over Amy. HA!

Amy's at her locker (no clue what day this is) worrying about homework and quizzes and blah blah blah. Eventually Colin comes up and ends up asking her to the dance. Amy says yes and tiny woodland creatures and sparkly butterflies fly out of Colin's ass to carry her down the hall in a cloud of shiny pixie dust. In other words, she's deliriously happy. They kiss and Amy turns to open her locker door only to find a big fat ugly Bear hiding inside. Ernie pops out, screams "Gotcha!", and runs off. Colin asks Amy if she'd like him to straighten things out with Ernie and she eagerly agrees. Good luck, buddy.

Walking home from school, Amy takes a detour past the Snack Bar and spots Colin and Ernie inside talking and laughing. This sickens Amy because laughter is poisonous and joy kills the soul.

Well, it's now the night of the big dance. I pray we make it through. (If it becomes too painful, just lie back and think of England.) Once again, Amy just can't get over herself: "She knew she looked wonderful in the flowing satiny white dress with its short-waisted, glittery, black sequined jacket. Just clingy enough, just sparkly enough, just romantic enough for dancing all night." Do you ever QUIT? She and Colin are dancing when she spies Ernie loping across the floor in their direction. Amy snaps: "No, Ernie, no! You can't do this to me! I broke up with you, Ernie! Do you hear me? Do you understand English? I broke up with you. We don't go together anymore! You don't have the right to follow me here, Ernie! You don't have the right! I broke up with you! Do you understand? I'm going to make sure you remember! I'm going to teach you to leave me alone once and for all!" She grabs a big white cake off a table and dumps it on Ernie's head. His reponse? "I was just bringing my date some punch." Turns out he's here with some chick named Ingrid and wasn't even thinking about Amy. BURN.

A few days later, Amy and Regina are walking home together and Amy says she was at Ernie's house the night before studying with he and Ingrid. Colin told her he didn't wanna see her anymore because she's a violent psycho. The book ends with Amy thinking about how cute Ernie's smile is...

Conclusion? How the hell does shit like this published? It was so bad, I was forced to kill Ernie.

Next time: "The Cataluna Chronicles: The Evil Moon" Vroom vroom kill.

Seniors #6 - The Gift

Book Description:

Jennifer is not herself. Ever since she got the antique necklace, she has been living in a nightmare. She believes the necklace is forcing her to commit terrible crimes. But will it make her kill?

My Description:

It's the day after Christmas and Jennifer Fear (the star of this EXTRAVAGANZA) is visiting Trisha Conrad. Jennifer can't wait to show Trisha her favorite present. But first Trisha wants to shove all the crap her super rich parents bought her into Jen's face. As if we need one more reminder that the Conrads are loaded. We freaking get it! Finally, Jennifer gets to show off her necklace. "The chain was made of intricate gold links. A dark red stone hung from the chain, and nestled at the base of Jennifer's throat. The stone was set in heavy gold, almost half an inch across." I like shiny things. Trisha is impressed and Jennifer says her dad found it at a junk shop in the Old Village. On the back, the words 'Dominique Fear Wuz Here' is engraved. Ok, ok, it's just 'Dominique Fear'. Damn Fears. A couple seconds later, Trisha's boy toy, Gary Fresno, calls and Trisha suddenly forgets Jennifer is in the room. Nice. As Jennifer is waiting for her shitty friend to get off the phone, she thinks about the Fear family and...well, I'm just not going there because we've heard it all before. Finally Trisha hangs up and asks Jennifer about her upcoming New Year's Eve party (Happy 1999, outdated Fear Street book! Damn. Can you believe that was 11 years ago?) Jennifer is excited about it especially since her lover boy Ty Sullivan will be there. Ooo. They recently started dating, but once he realizes how cursed the Fears are (he moved to Shadyside over the summer so he's not familiar with the Fears and how they ruin everything they touch) he'll quit that chick. Trisha changes the subject and asks to try on Jennifer's necklace. Jen wants to try on Trisha's new leather jacket so they switch. Predictably, when Trisha puts on the necklace, she has one of her stupid visions. "I saw her die! They put a noose around her neck and hanged her!" Trisha doesn't know who this person is. All she knows is the person died a long time ago. Helpful. And by 'helpful' I mean 'painfully obvious plot contrivance'.

Later that night, Ty drives Jennifer to the cemetery so they can be totally alone while he attempts to get his freak on. Why is it always the cemetery? Those people may be dead, but that doesn't mean you can do this to them! They don't want your dirty monkey sex taking place on their graves! *sigh* Damn Fears. Anyway, they make out until Ty gets nicked by Jennifer's necklace and starts to bleed all over the place. He sops it up and throws the tissue out the window before driving off. He stops in front of Jennifer's house and basically ignores her before dumping her. Ass. She's upset, but all he has to say is she's too serious and he wants to have fun. Meaning: he wants to do it and she's not having that mess. Good for you, Jennifer. She runs up to her room before he sees her cry. Ty Sullivan is an insensitive ass! Spread the word!

Now we get our first taste of freakiness caused by the necklace. I think. It's all pretty vague and we don't actually get Jennifer's name, but I'm assuming it's her and not a stupid flashback to Dominique Fear. Anyway, it's very cold and the girl is wandering around outside in her nightgown. Unfortunately, she thinks about her WOOL CAPE and how she wishes she had worn it which makes me think that this is Dominique we're talking about here (because of the old fashioned factor) and I hate it because...well, I don't know why. I just do! Isn't one Fear enough? We already have Jennifer; we don't need dear old dead Dom. Oh well. The girl keeps walking across the icy ground until she reaches some dude's house. "A single light burned in an upstairs window. Is it his light? It must be. She took a few steps closer. She cupped her hands around her eyes and gazed up. Her screams tore through the night like the shriek of the wind." What the hell? Soon, JENNIFER wakes up to find herself lying outside in the cold. She freaks out when she realizes she's in Ty's backyard and runs home. Is Jennifer dreaming through the eyes of Dominique? So many questions, so little interest.

The next day, Jennifer goes to the library to fill out her online college application, but she can't concentrate because she keeps thinking about that strange episode the night before. She explains everything to Trisha who couldn't keep her perfect rich nose out of people's business if she tried. SUCK! A cheerleader named Phoebe Yamura (who is the doomed star of the next Seniors book) interrupts the girls' conversation with this juicy bit: "Did you guys hear about Ty Sullivan? He was attacked last night. In his own backyard!" You've been a very naughty girl, Jennifer. And we all appreciate it. After all, Ty is a dirty piece of shit. Phoebe says Ty is ok except for a big ragged gash on his head. (Stifle your giggles.) Phoebe runs off to tell someone else and Jennifer tells Trisha that she and Ty broke up and she woke up in his backyard. Jen goes on and on about what happened in the cemetery and suddenly Trisha has a vision, but won't tell Jennifer what she saw. I think this vision stuff is bullshit--Trisha just zonks out when she doesn't wanna listen anymore. She tells Jennifer "Listen, I just remembered--I have to go to my grandmother's. She wants to see me before she goes to France." La di freaking da. Jennifer demands to know what Trisha saw, but it's not too interesting. "I had a flash of the attack on Ty. It was kind of blurry and I don't know exactly what happened, but...it was like I was in the attacker's head. Like I was looking out through her eyes." These visions are absolutely fucking useless. They're vague and even when she actually sees something useful, it's too late to make a difference!

Later, Jennifer meets Trisha at Shadyside's teenage mecca, Pete's Pizza. Jen flips out when Ty enters with his bandaged head. Her heart is smashed to a pulp when she see him walk up to Greta Bradley, a skanky cheerleader, and they start kissing. Ty moves fast. Trisha is furious, but Jennifer pretends like it doesn't bother her so Trisha will calm down. What a psycho.

That night, Jennifer drives Stacey Malcolm home from basketball practice. They talk about Ty and Trisha's apeshit personality until Stacey gets out. As Jennifer turns on Fear Street, she can't see a thing because it's so foggy. Suddenly some shadowy nut steps into the road, but Jennifer can't stop the car because her brakes are now shot for no apparent reason! THE HUMANITY! The guy jumps out of the way before Jennifer can mow him down and eventually she gets the car to stop. She gets out to make sure her victim is ok. Of course it turns out to be Ty. *sigh* He's pissed because he thinks she tried to run him over on purpose. "Just stay away from me! Do you hear? Stay away from me!" Drama queen.

More dreams...or whatever they happen to be. This time the chick is wandering outside at night again, but she's dressed for the cold this time. She takes a box and some matches out of her pocket... Jennifer wakes up in her own bed, but she can remember this dream. She knows she was in Ty's yard again, but not sure what she was doing. She glances at the clock and realizes she's late to pick up Trisha so they can go shopping for party junk. She gets dressed and throws on her coat, but she can only find one of her happy yellow snowflake gloves. The doorbell rings and Trisha is standing there, completely insane as usual. "Jen, listen to me! I know who it was! It was you. The attacker was you!" Oh those crazy Fears. Always maiming and killing. I don't know why Trisha is so shocked...besides the fact that she's Trisha. She goes on to tell the stunned Jennifer that someone set Ty's house on fire last night. Mwhahahaha! I love this book! No-one got hurt, but Jennifer needs to see for herself. She hurries over and sees the house is still standing, but it's pretty trashed. Bad little Jenny! Jennifer is completely freaking out and tells Trisha that her stupid vision must be wrong. Two seconds later, Trisha finds Jennifer's missing glove under a charred chunk of wood. Pwned.

The girls go to the Donut Hole (because they can't handle pizza at 10 am) and drink coffee while talking about Jennifer's unconscious desire to kill Ty Sullivan. Trisha says all this crap started when Jennifer got that necklace. Trisha also says that Dominique Fear's evil spirit is using the necklace to come back through Jennifer. Just another day in the life of a Fear. Jennifer gets really angry and runs off.

That afternoon, Jennifer heads for the gym for her last basketball practice of vacation. Unfortunately, Greta Bradley and a few other cheerleaders are hanging out near the gym doors. Jennifer can't bear to walk past them so she decides to hide until they leave. She overhears them talking about her. Apparently, Ty told Greta that Jennifer is jealous and intentionally tried to run him over. The lying lies of a liar!

That evening, Jennifer decides to scour her father's library for information on Dominique Fear. She finds an old book titled "The Fear Family - A Chronicle" and it has Dominique's birth year (1863) and a scandalous article about an affair she had with a married man which began when she was 15, ended when she was 17, and resulted in a son. SHOCK! In 1882, when Dominique was only 19, she was hanged for supposedly murdering her lover, Nigel Fetherston. Turns out Dominique had a vision of Nigel falling off a cliff and she went to warn him. His wife told her she was insane and threw her out. A few days later, Nigel did indeed fall to his death and his darling wife accused Dominique of pushing him. Her last words were "Someday, someone shall pay for my death!" And apparently that someone is Ty Sullivan. HA! It makes me laugh! I hate you, Ty! Anyway, Jennifer runs to her room and attempts to tear the necklace off, but it won't budge and starts burning her skin. Just as she starts panicking, her mom walks in and easily gets it off. After Mom leaves the room, Jennifer shoves the necklace in a sock, ties the end in a knot, and shoves it in a drawer. I had no idea old sweatsocks could be used as a barrier between evil forces and the outside world. *sigh* Oh Jennifer.

The next morning, Jennifer goes to the mall to shop for supplies for her party which is the next night. She meets Trisha at a store called Party Place and as they're shopping, Jennifer talks about all the things she found out about Dominique. A little while later, Jennifer leaces. As she's putting her bags in the trunk, someone grabs her arm. It's Ty and he is so pissed! "You attack me, then you try to run me over, then you set my house on fire. You're sick. But I should have known that. You're a Fear. [BURN!] You better stay away from me, freak. I'm warning you. Stay away from me and my family. Or I'll make you pay." Damn. Jennifer just sits there and cries after Ty leaves. Ty, you truly are a baboon's ass.

The next day, Trisha and Jennifer are decorating for Jen's party which I'm looking forward to--you KNOW something is going to go down. SQUEE! Jennifer starts crying and tells Trisha about the incident with Ty. Trisha says she'll wear the necklace for a while because Dominique can't use her because she's not a Fear. WHY? When Trisha puts it on, she gets all stiff and weird and blurts out "Someday, someone shall pay for my death!" Give me a break. *sigh* Ok, so Dominique has possessed Trisha and carries on and on about how hot Nigel was and how much she loved him and how much she came to hate him because he wouldn't lower himself to marry a Fear. She says that once she died, no-one wanted to contaminate the cemetery with a Fear so they tossed her in the woods. Then she yells that she'll have revenge and lunges for Jennifer. Luckily, Trisha passes out before she can attack Jen. Jennifer takes the necklace off Trisha and she regains consciousness. Trisha has no memory of it and tells Jennifer to put the damn necklace away.

It's now time for the PAAAARRRRTTYYYYYY! Matty Winger (resident dumbass/dork) is already being annoying, going around blowing noisemakers in everyone's face. Tons of people came, there are no adults around (typical. If there's anything Fear Street taught me it's that adults serve no purpose whatsoever so forget them just like they forgot you.) and it's only two hours until midnight. Jennifer is having fun...until she sees Ty and Greta come in. These assholes have some brass ones. Jennifer is stunned that they would have the audacity to come, but instead of kicking their butts to the curb, she decides to ignore them and enjoy herself. She dances with Kenny Klein for a while before taking a break and stepping outside for a bit. Her peaceful moment is interrupted by the sound of Trisha screaming. She rushes inside to find Kenny and Trisha staring down at something in the hall. "Jennifer glanced down and felt a wave of panic flood through her. Greta lay on the carpet in a pool of blood. Dead." Someone smashed her head in with a ceramic bowl. Ty comes up and immediately accuses Jennifer. She responds by running to the bathroom and puking up all her party treats. Trisha comes to check on her and a moment later, two officers knock on the bathroom door. Jennifer reluctantly comes out to answer their questions. How the hell did they get here so fast? Teleportation? Black magic? Oh well. They ask their questions and leave. Jennifer makes the mistake of turning to Ty and saying it must have been an accident--the bowl just fell off the shelf, that's all! Ty says "You think I believe that? It was no accident. You're jealous because I dumped you. You wanted to pay me back. You tried to run me down. Torched my house. And now-you murdered my girlfriend!" Do you honestly think you're so great that any girl would go through all that trouble? Because you're not, you smelly turd. Everyone leaves except Trisha. She tells Jennifer that she had a vision of the killer pulling down the shelf that held the bowl, insinuates that it was Jennifer, and THEN she leaves. You people suck.

The next morning, Jennifer feels and looks like roadkill; because she got next to no sleep. She goes downstairs where her parents worry over her. She ends up telling them everything that has been going on and then her dad drops a bomb on her head. "It's about our last name. It's not really...well, it's not really Fear." WHAT? Are you saying your poor demented daughter's life has been nothing but a sham?! Why, Daddy, WHHHHYYY?! The story is boring and stupid: Grandpa moved to Shadyside and took the name Fear because people were terrified of the Fears and terror equals respect and everyone wants to be respected! None of this shit makes any sense. It doesn't even say why Gramps felt a need to change his name in the first place. Anyway, Jennifer is so relieved she starts cackling like a crazy old hag. She runs upstairs, grabs the sock-full-o-evil, and tells her dad to take it the hell away. Instead, he tells her to put it in the library for some reason only he is aware of. She flips out, runs upstairs into the library, and flings the necklace across the room. "I'm not one of you! I hate you! Hate you!" She rips books off the shelves and tosses them everywhere. She stops trashing the place when an interesting thought hits her. "Why is Dominique possessing me if I'm not even a Fear?" Because she's a psycho!! Jennifer picks up the necklace and notices the stone is loose. She pries it out and finds a lock of hair behind a gold panel. Not really out of the ordinary. She starts picking up the books and a finds a SHOCKING! bit of info: Dominique Fear married someone named Henry Conrad which means TRISHA is Dominique's descendant. That explains a lot. Jennifer finds a spell in one of the books for sending a spirit back to the "other world". It involves nothing more than burning the lock of hair. How creative.

Jennifer drives to Trisha's house where Trisha's mom informs her that Trisha is with Ty. You have got to be kidding me. Jennifer drives up to the cemetery where Ty usually takes his women. She finds Ty lying on the ground unconscious with Trisha standing above him with a pair of scissors. She's possessed by Dominique who thinks Ty is Nigel and believed Greta was Nigel's bitch of a wife. Trisha chases Jennifer around the cemetery and manages to cut Jen on the wrist. This book is freaking insane. Jennifer takes out a jar that holds the ashes of the burned hair and throws the ashes into Trisha's face. Dominique's spirit is gone and Trisha remembers nothing. Can someone please kill Ty? Come on! Before he wakes up! Never mind...he's already up. They all go home.

It's the last day of vacation and everyone is spending it in the sunshine. NOT! They're all crammed into the grease pit that is Pete's Pizza. Trisha and Jennifer are talking when Ty comes up and says he's sorry for getting wasted and passing out in the cemetery (that was the story the girls told him and since he's a total lush, he believed it) and he apologizes to Jennifer for verbally beating her all those times and accusing her of killing Greta. You're still an asshat, Ty.

Now we're inside Trisha's evil mind. She already knew she was a Fear long before Jennifer figured it out. And she's been out with Ty and made out with him in the cemetery many times. Sometimes she feels an urge to kill and she knows that's just the Fear coming out in her. But Jennifer took care of that. "The evil is gone. Jennifer threw the ashes in my face. She got rid of it! Trisha's knuckles turned white. I hope."

Conclusion? This thing is so bad, it's good. I loved it's cheesy, melodramatic insanity. It's hilarious!

Next time: "How I Broke Up With Ernie" Oh man, I can't wait to get my claws into this one. It's Stine's attempt at comedy. *gag*