Merry Christmas, Friends

Old Saint SICK

Runaway

Book Description:

Shadyside. It sounded like such a nice town, the perfect place for a runaway like Felicia. Nobody here would know about her dark powers. Nobody would know what she had done. For once, she could be a normal girl. She could be safe. But someone in Shadyside discovered Felicia's secret. Someone found out about the awful things her parents made her do. Felicia doesn't want to run away again. But if she stays, she might lose control. And then people would start to die.

My Description:

I'm finally back. It's a Christmas miracle! Or something.

Felicia Fletcher walks into Shadyside on a rainy afternoon. She's never heard of the place which explains why she isn't screaming and running in the opposite direction. She thinks that Shadyside could be a good place to start over (HA!) since she can't return home, not after what happened. She also thinks about all the doctors that were studying her, especially Dr. Shanks. Yes. Dr. Shanks. Let that one sink in for a moment. Dr. Shanks (not a butcher...although I'm sure some would beg to differ! HAR HAR HAR!) is a bad man. We can tell because he has greasy hair, a beaky nose, and EVIL eyes. Felicia remembers a very scientific test Dr. Shanks conducted in which he commanded her to move a pencil with her mind. She nearly moved it right into his eyeball, but he dived away at the last second and the pencil stabbed a cork board instead. Felicia is horrified that she actually wanted that pencil to pop Dr. Shanks's eyeball like a juicy bing cherry. She realized the power she possesses is pure EVIL. Dr. Shanks didn't care that he was almost blinded. He was too excited about witnessing her telekinesis.

Felicia is snapped out of her trip down memory lane (a.k.a. Shanky Road) as a car almost runs her over. Damn teenagers! The car is a red GTO and the driver turns and pulls up next to Felicia to inform her that wandering in the road is a good way to be killed. Thanks, genius. Felicia admires his goatee and shaggy hair. We know this guy is a real bad ass because he has acne scars, muscle-y arms, and a barbed wire tattoo with drops of blood. WOW. He apologizes for nearly killing her and offers her a ride which she accepts. He introduces himself as Lloyd and says his friends call him Homicide. "Because I'm a killer!" Are you sure your friends don't call you Brain Damage? Felicia is freaked out by Homicide and asks him to let her out, but Homicide views this as disrespect and pulls out a switchblade. "I gave you a ride. Now you have to pay for it." This isn't the meaning of hospitality, LLOYD. He stomps on the gas and the car is going at breakneck speed, but Felicia still considers leaping out. She doesn't have to, though, because Lloyd crashes the car into a tree. He's bloody and unconscious, but after a few moments, it seems like he's waking up so Felicia attempts to get out of the smashed car, but she's trapped. She climbs out the window and runs to flag down a car. Apparently she didn't learn a lesson from her joy ride with Lloyd. Just as he starts screaming that he's going to kill her, a guy picks her up. He immediately says that hitchhiking is stupid. THANK YOU, Captain Obvious! Any other nuggets of wisdom for the girl who was almost killed and couldn't give a shit less about what you have to say? "Guess you're having a bad day." *sigh* Never mind. The guy's name is Nick and Felicia tells him all about her adventures with Homicide. Nick doesn't seem too shocked which is a sure sign he's from Shadyside. He doesn't bat an eye when she says she doesn't wanna go to the police. Speak of the devil...a cop car with siren on and lights flashing pulls up behind them. Felicia nearly wets her Tweety bloomers because she thinks they've found out about the deaths she's responsible for. (WHAT?!) But Nick pulls over and the car speeds past, much to Felicia's possibly urine soaked relief.

Nick wants to know what's up, but Felicia refuses to tell him anything and demands he drop her off at the Donut Hole. He does and Felicia feels bad about being so hostile toward him so she kisses him. He drives off and she goes to the bathroom to change into the dry clothes in her backpack. She orders a bagel and coffee and listens to some college lumps in the next booth talking about how Bobby (one of these guys) has to take care of Professor Jones's house and cat and how he can't go on a vacation full of debauchery with his buds. TRAGEDY! Felicia pretends that she knows the prof and offers to take Bobby's place. He quickly agrees, not even bothing to ask if Felicia is a kitty killer. He tells her that Professor Jones is gone on safari for the next month and all Felicia has to do is feed the cat, water the plants, and check on the house to make sure no-one is robbing the place or squatting there like Felicia is planning to do. He gives her $50, the house's address, says he'll be back in two weeks, and bails with his friends. Fool.

Professor Jones lives in a big Victorian mansion on Fear Street. Felicia lets herself in and is greeted by a big gray tabby cat. He collar reads 'Miss Quiz' because her owner is a professorial dork. Felicia makes herself comfortable...

The next day, she worms her way into Shadyside High by telling the secretary that the transcripts from her old school are on the way. First, what school would allow a kid to enroll without their parents present or without asking any questions? I mean, this secretary just enrolls Felicia in classes, gives her a schedule and books, and sends her on her way. Doesn't she want to know if Felicia is a telekinetic murderer who's illegally hanging out in a stranger's house? Second, why is Felicia even bothering with school? She's not going to be here that long anyway. You're really stretching this one, Stine. Anyway, Felicia is happy to be doing something normal and ordinary. At the end of the day, as she's putting books into her locker, she spots Nick coming over. He seems really happy to see her. Probably trolling for more kisses. Dry lips are more addictive than a crack rock. Nick asks where Felicia is headed and when she says "Fear Street" he starts acting all weird. He tells the age old story we've all heard before about how horrible things happen on Fear Street. Actually, that's all he says before asking if Felicia wants to get a hamburger. Smooth. He works at Burger Basket so the only reason he asked her is because his shift is about to start. Again, smooth.

When they arrive, Nick gets to work and Felicia asks his boss, Barry, about a job. He agrees to let her work this weekend and asks if she would be good with nights. She definitely is and a few moments later, she meets Zan. "I'm Zan. It's short for Alexandria." Zan is cold one moment and all smiles the next so Felicia better watch her back. When the girls are alone together, Zan points a knife at Felicia's chest and says "You might owe Nick your life. But he's going with me. Remember that." What a psycho. And what are the odds of Felicia being threatened at knifepoint twice in two days?! This confrontation triggers Felicia's power and suddenly french fry grease is splattering everywhere, the lights are flickering, and trays are falling to the floor. Then it stops and everything continues as normal. Zan apologizes for pulling a knife on Felicia and all is ok. For now.

At school on Monday, Felicia sits with Zan and Nick at lunch. They talk about work, the girls make fun of Nick's messy eating, and they congratulate Felicia on doing the job she was hired to do as well as she possibly can. They toast with Cokes because no other drink exists in Shadyside. Later, Felicia is at her locker thinking about Nick and her comfy set-up at the Professor's house when she notices an envelope taped to the inside of the door. It contains a note which reads "I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU!" Either Miss Cleo attends Shadyside High or Felicia is being stalked! Below the message is a photocopy of Felicia's driver's license which has her real name (which is?) and her address back in Ridgely where she accidentally killed those people. She notices that her photo has been burned away. Extreme. Of course Felicia freaks out and all the locker doors swing open and shut over and over again. Spooooky. Thankfully, this is the end of the day so no-one witnessed Felicia's EVIL power. She flees the school and runs to the Donut Hole where she calls Nick from a pay phone and begs him to meet her. Zan is off today so there's no chance of Felicia getting her chest flayed open and her heart cut out. Felicia sits down with Nick and tells him she may have to leave. After all, she's a runaway. It's in her nature to run. And lie. And kill. ACCIDENTALLY! Nick says he really wants her to stay and after a bit, Felicia feels better. Nick goes back to work and Felicia stays behind thinking about her past. "...the way I hurt Andy and Kristy. I'll never use my power that way again. My power to kill." This leads to a flashback...

Ridgely

Felicia and her friend Debbie are walking on the beach and talking about the amazing Shanks. Debbie is extremely intelligent which is why she is involved with Shanks's experiments. But her whip smart brain has not rendered her telekinetic and she is jealous of Felicia's powers. The two stop in front of an old, delapidated beach house and Debbie tells Felicia to tear it down. Felicia says she can't do it, but Debbie goads her on until she does. The house explodes and crumbles. Then the girls hear screams. They spot two cars nearby that they recognize as belonging to Andy Murray and Kristy List, a couple they go to school with. Debbie and Felicia run over to the rubble and uncover the maimed bodies...

Shadyside

Felicia shakes the memory away and hurries home. Once united with Miss Quiz, she realizes the door was not locked and she was certain she locked it before she left. Then she hears a creaking noise. Footsteps? She clicks on some lights and goes into the den where someone has trashed the place. They destroyed what few things Felicia owned and ransacked the Professor's desk. They also left a quaint message on the wall in what looks like blood but is almost certain to be red paint: "RUNAWAY! GET OUT NOW! I KNOW EVERYTHING!" Why don't you do something more productive than writing stupid anonymous notes and save us the trouble of plodding through 80 more pages? No? Be that way then! Felicia checks the entire house to make sure no-one is lurking about and after finding it empty, begins scrubbing away the not-yet-dry message. Once she finishes cleaning the room, it's nearly 5 AM.

That night, Felicia is sitting with Nick as he finishes his Burger Basket Bellybuster. She confesses she's been having nightmares and not sleeping well lately which is why she looks like a microwaved corpse. Then she blurts out some things about her past. Her parents are dead, she lived with her Aunt Margaret, and the local college was performing tests on her brain. She never mentions the power or the deaths because, obviously, Nick would be horrified and stone her to death in the village square. She goes on to say she felt totally alone in Ridgely so she ran away. They kiss (ON THE LIPS!), but Barry interrupts and they get back to work. Mercifully, Zan isn't working tonight. But at 10 PM, a knock comes at the back door. It's Zan and she's there to pick up Nick. A few moments after they leave the building, Felicia follows and hears them arguing. She hears Zan say "You watch yourself, Nick. I know the truth about Felicia. I know everything!" If only that were true. Zan goes on to shout at Nick to stay away from Felicia. Felicia is already freaking out over Zan knowing something so she races home.

The next morning, Felicia catches Nick at his locker and asks about Zan. He says she likes Felicia, but she's really jealous of any girls who pay attention to Nick. He tells Felicia not to be mad at Zan because she has had a hard time lately, but he can't tell her about it because it would break Zan's trust. Shut up already, Nick.

On Friday, after school, Zan asks Felicia is she wants to spend the night at her house and Felicia agrees. I'm scared! That evening, Felicia arrives at Zan's palatial mansion and is in awe at the house and Zan's room and rich people are amazing and blah blah. They eat popcorn and watch The Birds ("It'll scare you to death." Except not.) After the movie, Zan leaves the room for more soda and snacks and Felicia takes the opportunity to snoop Zan's shelves. She pulls out Zan's yearbook from her sophomore year and giggles over Nick's goofy picture. The next two pages are stuck together and Felicia slowly peels them apart. She sees a photo of Zan with a guy whose face has been marked over with what appears to be brown marker. But Felicia scratches at it and thinks it has the metallic scent of blood. Uh-oh. Zan comes back a few minutes later with nachos and Diet Coke and Felicia immediately asks where the bathroom is so she can scrub the so called blood off her hand. When she comes back, she asks Zan how long she and Nick have been together and Zan says since freshman year. Felicia believes that's a lie because that dude in the picture with Zan definitely wasn't Nick. Also, that bloody photo had a caption that was partially obscured by "blood": 'The Couple Most...'

At school on Monday morning, Felicia goes to the library to find the yearbook identical to Zan's. She locates it and finds the photo of Zan and the mystery man. The guy with her is Doug Gaynor and the caption reads 'The Couple Most Likely To Last Forever' (or at least until one of them finds something better). She recognizes the name and remembers where she's seen it. She walks down the hall until she comes to a plaque on the wall that reads 'In Memory of Douglas Gaynor'. "Zan's old boyfriend is dead!" Freaking A, Sherlock.

After school, Nick drives Felicia to the Burger Basket. Their shift starts in 15 minutes, but Zan doesn't have to be there for a few hours. In the parking lot, Felicia tells him how she came to be living on Fear Street. Nick thinks nothing of it. Then she tells him someone is stalking her and knows about her past. She also mentions the messages and he holds her against his flannel clad chest because he's such a MAN. Such a strong teenage MAN! But Nick feels guilty because he supposedly loves Zan. Felicia brings up Doug Gaynor and Nick says Zan killed him. ACCIDENTALLY! The story: Zan and Doug became boyfriend and girlfriend in 7th grade. They lived in bliss until Doug started getting bored and went on a date with a girl named Kathleen. Zan found out and lost her damn mind. One night, she and Doug were arguing on the balcony outside her bedroom. She started hitting Doug, he pushed her away, she pushed back, and he fell over the railing. Doug's death was rather nasty. He fell on the pointy iron fence that surrounds Zan's property. "Four spikes slashed through Doug's back. Another slashed through his left arm. The TV news said that he didn't die right away. It took some time." RIP. Felicia is horrified and begins thinking that if Zan was capable of killing her own boyfriend, what could she do to Felicia? Felicia suddenly believes it is definitely Zan who has been leaving her messages and says so to Nick. He tells her to get a grip on reality and she makes him promise to never tell Zan. Unfortunately, Zan has quietly creeped up to the window of the car and heard Felicia say her name and now she wants to know what the hell they were talking about. Felicia says Nick was just asking her advice about something. Nick says "I wanted to take you out someplace special. I thought Felicia might have some good ideas." Except she's only lived here for a few days and has no clue about ANYTHING in Shadyside, idiot. But this makes Zan's bitchy attitude fade and she apologizes for being so suspicious. They all walk inside and get to work.

Later, Zan asks Felicia to change the lightbulb in the storage room. Felicia agrees to and finds that someone spilled the mop bucket in the room. She decides to leave it for the messy slob who spilled it. She climbs a stepladder to change the bulb and realizes that someone cut open the copper wiring and Felicia could have been fried. She jumps down and runs to the breaker to turn off the electricity before anyone gets hurt, but before she can, Barry enters the room, pulls the chain to turn on the light, and gets quite a nasty shock. In a moment, the entire place is on fire. Felicia pulls Barry out, but realizes Nick is still inside with Zan and some customers. She goes back inside and uses her power to push the flames back enough so that everyone can escape through a window she shattered with a chair.

Felicia awakens outside about 15 minutes later with Nick hovering over her. She looks at the wreakage of the restaurant and can't believe how quickly it burned. But everyone survived thanks to her. Suddenly TV reporters are swarming and Felicia panics. Nick gives her his keys and tells her to take his car; he'll keep the news buzzards back. Felicia almost makes it to the car, but Zan has other plans. "Why didn't you just die?" She pushes Felicia to the ground and starts babbling about Nick being her's. Then she begins chocking the life out of Felicia. Will this girl never catch a break?! Nick pulls Zan away before she can do any more damage. Felicia sees them hugging and hears Nick say "Why can't you stop trying to hurt [Felicia]? She's nothing! She means nothing to me!" Felicia is incredibly hurt by this and puts Nick's keys in his glove compartment before beginning her long walk to Fear Street. So sad.

Once she reaches the Professor's house, she decides to pack her things and leave before something else happens. But she remembers that she taped the only photo she has of her father in her locker and she can't leave without it. She decides she'll get it first thing tomorrow and then she's gone. She has to leave before anyone else gets hurt...

Ridgely

Kristy and Andy are decaying corpses and they're talking to Felicia. And she's probably not even high! They say she killed them and they want to know why. They always thought Felicia was their friend. This turns out to be nothing more than an unhappy dream. Felicia wakes up and sees Debbie tapping on the window. Felicia motions for her to come around to the front door, then they both go to Felicia's room. Debbie says she just got away from the police station after being questioned for 4 hours about Felicia's powers. Good old Shanks told the cops all about Felicia and now they're gonna pin the deaths on her. Debbie tells her to pack a bag and run. Felicia agrees and Debbie lends her car and her apologies for daring Felicia to tear the house down. Felicia drives off, but she doesn't get far because her powers have flared up and she gets out of the car just before it explodes. Sorry, Debbie.

Shadyside

Felicia hurries to school to grab her picture so she can get the hell out of hell. Unfortunately, Nick interrupts by grabbing her and kissing her. He apologizes for everything, but Felicia says she still has to go. Then Zan appears out of nowhere, walking down the hall with a knife. She cuts Nick across the knuckles and grabs Felicia, holding the knife against her neck. Students scatter screaming when they see her, but no-one runs for help. Felicia makes the mistake of mentioning Doug and Zan flips out, but she admits she killed him because he made her feel bad. Just as Zan prepares to cut Felicia's juggular, the POWER! rears its ugly head. The tip of the knife bends back on itself, windows shatter, and lockers rattle. Zan is slammed against some lockers and Felicia commands Nick and another guy to hold her down. Felicia does nothing but grab her picture from her locker and run just as the principle and some teachers approach.

Felicia bursts into the house, grabs her things (or what remains of them), and flees. But someone grabs her arm...it's Debbie. Who wants to kill Felicia because she was on the news for her heroism. Well, no-one knows it was Felicia who saved everyone in the fire, but Debbie had a feeling it was her and it made her sick so she came to kill Felicia. Seriously? It turns out Debbie has powers, too. In fact, she used them to make her car explode in the hopes that Felicia would be killed. But noooo. Also, she never talked to the cops and neither did Dr. Shanks. She only said that to get rid of Felicia before Felicia's guilty conscience drove her to tell the cops herself. Oh, and Debbie was in love with Andy Murray, but he wouldn't leave Kristy so she killed them both in the beach house collapse. Felicia's response? She slaps Debbie in the face. Their exchange is hilarious:

Debbie: "What was that?"
Felicia: "That slap in the face you deserve!"

Justice is served! They engage in the obligatory wrestling match that occurs at the end of every Fear Street book ever written (almost)...except they use their massive minds instead of their puny fists. Debbie uproots a tree and Felicia snaps up a light pole, but Debbie destroys it. Debbie picks up a recycling bin and dumps the contents on Felicia's head. Felicia gets cut by a Coke bottle. Out of all the things that could have gashed her head open, it HAD to be the damn COKE bottle! Just before Debbie moves in for the kill, Nick comes speeding up. Debbie nearly beans him with a mailbox, but Felicia pushes her powers and Debbie is suddenly in a comalike trance.

Nick and Felicia are talking about Zan and Debbie ending up at an insitution (hopefully in the same room) and Felicia going back to Ridgely. She already contacted her aunt and everything is fine. Nick tells her she'll never have to run away again.

Conclusion? Not too shabby. Although double doses of psychopathia make my brain hurt. Unless that's just my powers coming to life...

Next time: "99 Fear Street: The Second Horror" Behold! The house of eeeeeeevvvvillll.

Still More Tales To Give You Goosebumps

* I meant to post this hours ago, but it's still technically Halloween so let's get on with it! *

Reader Beware--You're In For Ten Halloween Scares!

Will Charlie's recipe for pumpkin juice cause him some hair-raising terror? Are Dave's awesome ants biting off more than they can chew? Can Max's Halloween wish turn him into an endangered species?

1. Pumpkin Juice

"I screamed when I opened the kitchen door." Too bad it's only Charlie's friend Frank in his goofy alien costume and not something SCARY. They're going trick-or-treating together soon, but first Frank wants to show Charlie a recipe he found in Monster Brews to Bring out the Best in You on Halloween. He flips to a page with a recipe for something called Pumpkin Juice Supreme. He brought a pumpkin with him so they could make this disgusting concoction. Ingredients: flesh of ripe pumpkin, milk, molasses, butter, garlic, and chicken broth. (I'll give my copy of this book to anyone who tries that.) Barf-o-rama. They mix it all together, trash the kitchen in the process, and each have a couple cups. They both thoroughly enjoy because they're dirty little monster boys. Eventually they set out for a night of trick-or-treating. Charlie suddenly feels like he's starving and begins devouring his candy like it's going out of style. He notices Frank doing the same thing. Frank's insatiable hunger causes him to shove open a woman's door for more candy because she didn't give him enough the first time. At the next house, Charlie gets pissed at a little boy who tried to give him a stinking LOLLIPOP so Charlie shoves past him, runs into the kitchen, and starts gobbling eggs and raw liver. GAG. He stops only when he sees thick black hair sprouting out of his hands. As the little boy's enraged mother swats Charlie out of her kitchen with a broom, Charlie has an epiphany: "The booklet didn't promise to bring out the best in me. It promised to bring out the beast in me. And it worked!" Outside, Charlie slurps a worm right off the ground before getting into a fight in an alley with an incresingly furry Frank over a stupid cookie. They eventually stop fighting, go to Charlie's house, nearly eat his cat, and realize there must be something in the book to cure them. Of course there is and the cure is basically the ingredients for pumpkin pie which Charlie's mom has just baked. What a coincidence. After eating some pie, the boys are back to normal. Unfortunately, Charlie's mom drank some Pumpkin Juice and is now devouring raw hamburger.

Trick or treat? A stomach churning TRICK.

2. Attack of the Tattoo

No joke. That's really the title. Anyway, Jeannie is really disappointed in her Halloween haul. The only thing of any interest in her trick-or-treat pillowcase (NO BAGS!) is a temporary tattoo of an evil looking snake. "It was the coolest tattoo I'd ever seen." Then you obviously haven't seen many. She runs to the bathroom for a wet washcloth to apply the tattoo (this is really taking me back to the years when I thought Lisa Frank temp tattoos were the shizz. Rainbow unicorn rocks.) but the directions say "To apply, use water scorched by the sun." This is the morning after Halloween so the sun is shining bright. Jeannie takes a bottle of water outside, lets the sun shine through it, and dumps the entire thing on her arm to apply the tattoo. It works. What a waste of water. She's incredibly excited and bikes to her friend Maggie's house to show it off. On the way over, she feels something slithering over her legs. She screams and pulls the bike over, but sees nothing and continues peddling. Maggie takes a break from wolfing chocolate to admire the tattoo: "Jeannie, that is the coolest thing I've ever seen!" What is it with these kids? Turns out Maggie also got a tattoo, but hers is just a centipede. A centipede. A CENTIPEDE. Which is why she didn't bother applying it.

That night, Jeannie wakes up to three black snakes slithering through her bed. She freaks out, wads them in the sheet, and tosses them out the window. She runs to the bathroom to scrub the eeeeeevil tattoo off, but it stays put.

The next day at school, Jeannie runs to Maggie to tell her about the sun water, the snakes, and how she can't remove the tattoo. Maggie tells her to read the directions. Genius! After school, Jeannie finds the paper which reads "To remove, use water struck by the full moon." Original. Jeannie calls Maggie to tell her and asks when the next full moon will be. Maggie checks the calendar...the moon will be full TONIGHT.

Once the moon is out, Jeannie goes outside where a snake begins working its way out of the tattoo. Then another and another until Jeannie is surrounded. And the tattoo is STILL there even though it just gave birth to a bunch of full grown snakes. Hm. Jeannie kills the snakes with her potent moon water and rinses her tattoo away. Yay. The next day at school, Jeannie finds that everyone has applied their evil tattoos. Some dude named Zach has two sun water soaked tattoos for Maggie (a tarantula) and Jeannie (a rat) and he immediately slaps them on their arms. "Maggie, is the moon still full tonight? Or do we have to wait a full month?"

Trick or treat? A slimy, itchy, creepy, crawly trick.

3. The Wish

Max's shitty 15 year old brother Eugene has locked Max in a closet. He's screaming for help because he's going to be late for trick-or-treating with his friend Alex. Max's mom lets him out of the closet and laughs when he says Eugene locked him in. Parent of the year. Finally Max and Alex leave and Max thinks about how cool his mask is: "A long scar ran down one side, dripping with blood. Warts and boils covered the other side. Totally gross." Indeed. The boys cover the whole neighborhood and end up with loads of candy. Unfortunately for Max, Eugene knocks the bag out of his arms and candy spills all over the street. He walks off eating Max's favorite treat, a jelly apple. Max spots a house he and Alex must have missed so he runs over to get a little candy (some is better than none...although he could have just gathered it off the street). A nasty old lady who is nearly bald and closely resembles a skeleton answers the door and drags Max closer. She gives him a jagged rock as his "treat" and tells him "Don't throw away the power!" before cackling and slamming the door. A mental patient escapee. Always a Halloween favorite. Max runs home and throws the rock out the window after wishing he was an only child.

When Max wakes the next morning, things are very off. Eugene's room is a study and Max's school is missing and every person that Max comes into contact with runs away screaming! A group of angry adults begin chasing him so he dives into Ms. Greenway's pet store. He tells her he needs help, but she immediately lets the adults in and they trap him in a net. He sees the weird old lady holding her rock of power and Max realizes his wish came true and he should never have thrown away the power. Max is the only child on planet earth and now resides in a cage labeled 'Endangered Species'.

Trick or treat? A trick of epic proportions.

4. An Old Story

Tom's neglectful workaholic parents forgot to go the store again so he and his brother Jon have resorted to fighting over a few Oreos. The doorbell rings and Tom peeps out a window to get a look at the visitor. It's a tall old woman in a blue coat and floppy black hat pinned with a rose. Jon says not to answer the door because that old hag is a STRANGER! But Tom says she's just a defenseless old lady and opens the door. The windbag seems to know them both and introduces herself as Aunt Dahlia. She says they probably don't remember her because they were little when she last deigned to make a visit. She barges in and makes them cookies with giant prunes in the center. "Don't skip the prunes. That's the best part." LIAR! Dahlia sticks around for weeks which gives Tom's parents permission to work even more than usual since they now have a crazy lady who babysits for free and makes sure their sons are getting their nutrition by shoving prunes down their throats every day. One morning, Tom and Jon wake up feeling stiff and elderly. They're also balding and going deaf. Prunes really are the devil. Tom wants to go to the doctor to flush the old out of his system, but Aunt Dahlia says he isn't going anywhere. Her crusty friends have arrived for a rousing game of bridge and they're going to teach Tom and Jon how to play. The old crones flirt with the youngish oldish boys and when Dahlia asks if one of them will run out for some milk, Tom quickly volunteers. The cashier at the corner store offers Tom a senior's discount on antacids, but he refuses. He catches his reflection and sees that he's extremely wrinkled now. "I was turning into an old man!" It's the demonic PRUNES! Jon is also changing rapidly. "His face was wrinkled up--like a prune." NOOOOOO! Jon and Tom decide to search Dahlia's room for proof that she made them old. They overhear one of the old ladies say that she wants to marry Tom. "Aunt Dahlia was turning us into old men--so these old ladies could marry us!" EW. They still have the minds of kids, no matter how wrinkled and decrepit they become! The boys hear Dahlia say the old ladies can have them after they pay her fee. "Aunt Dahlia is selling us to those old ladies! She turned us into old men so they could marry us and move to Florida!" Where old boys go to die. The two find some anti-wrinkle cream; Aunt Dahlia enters the room and attempts to take it, but they smear it on and instantly become young again. After a heated chase, the boys end up splashing prune juice on Dahlia which causes her to disintegrate. Later, Tom's stupid parents figure out that Dahlia was in no way related to this family. *sigh*

At school on Monday, Tom notices that his crush Becca has a prune loaded lunch, courtesy of her old auntie Susan: prune juice, prune cookies, and prune on rye. Tom hands her a ham sandwich and tells her to run for her life.

Trick or treat? This story is a mixture of dirty tricks, mothballs, and PRUNES PRUNES PRUNES! The only thing missing? Any mention of Halloween.

5. The Scarecrow

Darleen, Scott, and Melanie are on their way to school, but have gotten sidetracked by the scarecrow in the hundred dollar scarf on the lawn of the old Swofford place. They think it's strange because no-one lives in the delapidated house. Also, the damn thing has an expensive cashmere scarf tied around its neck. Seriously. It's also wearing a red baseball cap and blue leather gloves. Coincidentally (by 'coincidentally' I mean 'not coincidental in any way') the scarf is just like one that Melanie has been coveting, the hat is like the one Scott has been looking for, and the gloves are the ones that Darleen has been admiring for a while. But the kids think nothing of this and run off to school where they're late and assigned detention. That afternoon, Darleen and Scott realize that Melanie didn't show up for detention. When they pass the scarecrow on their way home, they see that the straw man's designer scarf is missing. A moment later, Melanie jogs up wearing it, not remorseful at all that she stole it. She tells Scott and Darleen to take what they want. After all, anyone stupid enough to put nice things on a scarecrow deserves to get robbed! Neither Scott nor Darleen takes anything. Darleen does, however, get up in the middle of the night to stand in front of the scarecrow and admire the gloves. But her mom yells at her to get inside.

The next day, Melanie calls Darleen and says she has a horrible sore throat and asks Darleen to get her homework for her. Darleen agrees and leaves the house. She sees Scott wearing the red hat and he tells her to take the gloves, but she says she'll wait until after school. At the end of the day, Scott has become very rattled in the brain, confused and forgetful (has he been eating prunes?). Darleen drags him home, drops off Melanie's assignments, and doesn't steal the gloves because the scarecrow is too scary. Booga booga!

The next day, Scott is worse and Darleen decides to steal the gloves because she hasn't been paying attention to the irony of her friends' situations. She takes the gloves, the scarecrow grabs her and she passes out. When she wakes up, Melanie and Scott are standing over her. Everything was just their idea of a Halloween joke. (How the hell did they get the money for leather gloves and a cashmere scarf?!) Except the scarecrow is smiling now...and he wasn't before...and this ending sucks.

Trick or treat? A straw-coated trick.

*We have now reached the mid point and so far, these stories have tragically misfired again and again. Let's have a toast with our smelly cups of Pumpkin Juice in the hopes that the next five stories are a little better.*

6. Awesome Ants

Dave is at home with his friend Ben. They're doing homework when the doorbell rings. It's a deliveryman with Dave's giant ant farm from Awesome Ants Inc. The glass case is bigger than a pool table and Dave is concerned that he won't be able to observe the ants for his science project. Because ants are the most fascinating creatures in the world. Except not. You'd be better off watching the grass grow, Dave. The farm came with a box of blue gel capsules with instructions to ONLY feed the ants the capsules and nothing else. For some kids, this wouldn't be a problem, but Dave is a character in a shoddy Goosebumps book so you know he's going to do something stupid and instantly regrettable. The following day, sure enough, Ben and Dave begin feeding the ants people food such as cookies. A few days later, Dave realizes that the ants have shifted into overdrive. They're bigger and constantly moving. He feeds them some of his Halloween candy...and that is the only mention of Halloween in the entire story. Dave gathers a few ants in a cup to take to school to show his science teacher. The day after THAT, Dave arrives at school to find nothing in the classroom except a few giant ants. Yes, the ants have mutated and are now larger than the average human. Dave flees the school, runs home, and finds his yard infested with giant ants. One of them picks him up and places him in the center of a circle of ants. They force feed him a blue pill which puts him to sleep. When he wakes, he realizes he's been shrunk and placed inside the ant farm. His teacher Mr. Lantz and kids from his science class are also in there. Mr. Lantz says they better get busy building rooms and such. He tells Dave that this will be a great learning experience and Dave agrees that it will be "Awesome."

Trick or treat? Are you kidding me?

7. Please Don't Feed The Bears

Sarah is pissed because her family is taking a trip over the Halloween weekend to Cuddle Bear Land instead of Monster Mansion. Monsters are too scary for her little sister Katie, but Cuddle Bears are just right. When they arrive at the park, Sarah cheers up a little because her parents allow her to go on the Roarin' Roller Coaster by herself. She rides five times and on the fifth time, she gets the privilege of sitting next to a Cuddle Bear on his lunch break. After riding, Sarah goes off down Honey Comb Lane to meet up with her parents and sister. But she gets sidetracked by the pathetic, horrible wails of terrified children! Never mind--it turns out to be some kids on the roller coaster having FUN. Sarah feels like an idiot and keeps walking. She seems to be lost and ducks into 'The Cave: Caution. Employees Only' to ask for directions to the Hibernation Rest Center where her parents are hanging out and growing ever more furry-ous (see what I did there?! I can be a Cuddle Bear, too!) A Cuddle Bear named Kira says she'll help Sarah, but first Sarah will have to eat a bag of Honey Crackers (also known as graham crackers) so she does...and instantly begins sprouting hair on her elbows. She screams and flees the Cave. She didn't eat enough Honey Crackers to become a full on Cuddle Bear so she simply covers her hairy elbows and keeps walking. She finds her parents and sister and they all go home. Sarah's little sis finds a bag of Honey Crackers in Sarah's backpack (bad Kira!) and eats them all. Sarah realizes she'll have own Cuddle Bear soon.

Trick or treat? A honey flavored treat. Who doesn't love cuddly bears with an evil streak?

8. The Goblin's Glare

Mike is a great artist who has made the most realistic, repulsive goblin ever! If you consider construction paper to be realistic. Mike plans to hang the goblin by the front door to terrify trick or treaters. Me thinks he is overestimating the power of construction paper. He keeps saying it will give people nightmares, but he's the one who ends up having a nightmare. The goblin comes to life and tries to steal his soul or something. The goblins motives are unclear. Mike has the same nightmare the following day in class. Everyone laughs at him for freaking out. On Halloween night, Mike makes some changes to make the goblin seem less insane. It obviously doesn't work. As Mike and his friend Karen are trick-or-treating, Mike gets a very bad feeling and runs home to find the goblin standing in the front hall. We know it's waiting for him because it says it's been waiting for him. Magical prose. Mike runs upstairs, away from the goblin's gurgling laughter and brittle yellow fingernails, only to find HIMSELF asleep in bed which means this yet another dream. The GOBLIN'S dream and Mike is about to be eaten...

Trick or treat? What the HELL was this? It makes no sense! Trick!

9. Bats About Bats

This is becoming unbearable (another bear joke? Hell no.) ... Suzanne and Liz are walking to Suzanne's house for a sleepover. It's dark out and a bat swoops out of nowhere and dive bombs the girls. They make a run for Suzanne's house, but the bat stops swooping and the girls see a very pale blond girl standing there watching the bat flutter away. She introduces herself as Dorrie Morrow and says her family just moved into the neighborhood. Her parents are "bat scientists" which is why she's so interested in bats. The girls become friends and begin spending a lot of time together. One afternoon, Liza and Suzanne go to Dorrie's house. For some reason, they're shocked at the amount of bat paraphenalia in Dorrie's room. On the way home, Liz and Suzanne discuss how gross bats are and how much they hate them. This leads to the two hatching a plan to scare Dorrie at their next sleepover. The plan: Liz's brother Mike (the goblin artist?) will dress up as a vampire to spook Dorrie. Wow. Great idea. Or something. They have the sleepover and Mike scares Dorrie. Dorrie cries wee wee wee all the way home. But she forgives them the next day.

Halloween comes and the three go trick-or-treating together. Liz is dressed as a clown, Suzanne as a gypsy, and Dorrie as a praying mantis. Kidding--she's a damned bat. At the end of the night, they go back to Dorrie's house to sort through their candy. A bat flies in through the open window and attacks Suzanne's head. Dorrie grabs the bat and cuddles with it while berating Suzanne for scaring it. Then she tells the girls there's something in the basement that she wants to show them. It's her parents. When she said they were bat scientists, she meant it--they're giant bats in lab coats.

Trick or treat? Zzzzzzzzz

10. The Space Suit Snatcher

Laura is a psychopath who believes she can transmit messages into space with her homemade "superpower transmitter". She's at a yard sale with her sister Tammy who is pissed because Laura is wasting time looking at a bunch of junk that she believes will make her superpower transmitter even more super. *sigh* The man who's selling the crap also believes in aliens and takes Laura to his garage to see his old radios and canvas space suit. He gives the suit to laura and tells her aliens gave it to him when he was younger. The aliens told him if he ever wanted to see them again, he should just put the suit on and they would come. I think he made the suit of his old straitjacket.

That evening, Laura sends out her nightly radio broadcast for people of the stars, signing off by saying "Peace to all" in different languages. Suddenly she's interrupted by an alien. He tells her she will be kidnapped and taken far away to Ebulon. Laura freaks out, but her dad just yells at her to go back to bed. Is he not at all worried about her? Not because of the aliens, but because his daughter genuinely believes she's going to be taken away from her home to another planet. Again, another case of extremely crappy parenting. That's the most horrifying thing about this book.

The next day, all Laura can think about is the impending alien invasion and whether or not she should wear her spacesuit on Halloween. That night, Laura spies an ugly green alien scratching at her window. She screams for her parents and the alien disappears. Laura accidentally broke her radio when she jumped back in fear from the window and her dad says he's really sorry about it. Then he says the alien was just a dream. Or possibly the weirdo from the yard sale, sending transmissions through Laura's window. Right.

The next night is Halloween and Laura is too freaked out by the space suit to wear it so she goes as a praying mantis. Kidding--she's a damned radio. She goes out and is almost immediately accosted by a nutty alien in a space suit identical to her own.Laura runs, falls down, and looks up to see the alien revealing itself as Tammy who is laughing her ass off. She says everything (including the alien on the radio and the one at the window) was just a joke played by her and her friends. In the next moment, Tammy is gone and the purple blob who replaced her tells Laura that Tammy put on the suit therefore she volunteered. For WHAT? Before vanishing, the alien thanks Laura for the radio broadcasts and requests rock music for the next one.

Trick or treat? An intergalactic trick even though I found myself laughing through most of it. It's completely ridiculous!

Well, it's over. And I can state with certainty that this is the WORST Goosebumps book I have ever read. Someone actually got PAID for this.

~~~HAPPY HALLOWEEN to the beasts, snakes, young children, old children, scarecrows, ants, bears, goblins, bats, and space cases of the world!~~~

The Perfect Date

Book Description:

Brady Karlin is getting on with his life. The memory of his girlfriend--killed in a gruesome sledding accident last year--is beginning to fade. Now he's met Rosha Nelson, the girl of his dreams. And he's never been happier. Until Brady starts to see a strange figure--with a terribly scarred face--following him everywhere. Until the horrible accidents start happening--every time Rosha's around. Has dating Rosha made Brady's dreams come true? Or brought his worst nightmares back to life?

My Description:

A few quick notes first...

1) I was going to do Phone Calls but it was so unbearably boring and stupid that I put it down and picked up The Perfect Date instead. But don't worry. Phone Calls will be here eventually to plague your feeble mind with its horrible powers.

2) The description of this book is ridiculous. It's only been a year and this dude is already forgetting his poor doomed girlfriend? "And he's never been happier." A-S-S.

3) This cover is absolutely hilarious. The longer I look at it, the more amused I become.

4) It's sad that this is how I get my jollies.

On with the show!

Prologue

Brady (one of the few males in Shadyside who gets to be the star of his own book! Too bad that means absolutely nothing.) is hanging out at Miller Hill, the steepest sledding hill in Shadyside Park. He's with his darling girlfriend Sharon who is NOT BLOND. Yes, you heard correct! Sharon is a brunette who is freezing her ass off because Brady wants to sleeeeeed. Brady insists that they sled down the steepest point and even though it makes Sharon nervous and she doesn't want to, she goes anyway. They hop on their sleds and start sliding down the hill. As Brady giggles like a crazed hyena, Sharon's sled starts slipping out of control. She screams as the sled veers through pine trees and a patch of thorns. Then...silence. Brady spots her lying face down and motionless at the bottom of the hill and laughs as he says "Okay, Shar, you were right. From now on, we'll sled on the kiddie-" He shuts his mouth when he realizes she isn't breathing. He turns her over and gets a gruesome surprise: "Sharon's face! Her cute, button-nosed face! Nothing was left of it. No eyes, no lips. No face! Nothing. The thorns and metal sled runners had sliced it to red mush. Nothing remained but a pulpy mass of skin and crushed bone. A bright red puddle of blood on the crisp white snow." Um. Ouch. Maybe just put a band-aid on it...

The Following Winter

Brady and his friend Jon are eating pizza (because there's nothing else to eat in Shadyside) and talking about some girl named Lisa. Jon has a crush on her, but she's more into Brady and judging by the big douchebag grin on his face, Brady enjoys rubbing this fact in Jon's face. But Brady already has a girlfriend...who happens to have the dumbest name ever: Allie Stoner. Seriously. Anyway, Brady isn't all that into Allie because she takes their shoddy relationship more seriously than he does. But she's really cute so he'll continue to lead her on. Damn you, Brady. A moment later, Brady spots a gorgeous pouty BLOND enter the restaurant and oh baby, he's just gotta have her! Is that her on the cover? I've seen better. The same goes for you, Brady, you egomaniacal ass. He checks himself out before going over to the girl. "He knew he was good-looking." And I know he's NOT. The cover proves this. He's a rinky dink asshole! *sigh* Ignoring Brady's raging ego...

He walks over to the girl and she introduces herself as Rosha Nelson and asks if he wants to sit down. It's pretty obvious he does and he can't believe how smoothly this is going. I guess Allie is now dead to him. Brady mentions that he's never seen her around Shadyside High and she says she goes to a private school across town called St. Ann's. Then he asks her about her unique name. Nothing too interesting: her mom got it from some trashy romance novel. He tells her how special she is (even though he just met her and know NOTHING about her) and asks her out for Saturday. He doesn't need to know her any better. He can tell she's a sophisticated lady. After all, she wears red lipstick, drinks coffee, and has a husky smoker's voice. She's a real live 17 year old WOMAN. They agree to meet at the mall. Because that's the sophisticated thing to do. Before they part ways, Rosha accidentally spills steaming hot coffee all over Brady's tender hand. "His hand. His hand was on fire!" Rosha cuts my cackling short by touching his hand and making the boo-boo all better. Then she leaves and Brady goes back to sit with Jon. He drools about how perfect Rosha is and he's sure he's in love and blah blah blah. Jon is only concerned about the hot coffee burn: "That girl almost charbroiled your hand!" Brady claims he felt nothing. That's how third degree burns are supposed to feel! P.S. I hate you, Brady.

The next day, he attempts to avoid Allie, but she catches up to him. She asks about his puffy hand and then wants to know if he'd like to go to Pete's after school for the daily fix. He says he has homework to do. So Allie asks about the basketball game the next night (which happens to be Saturday) and what time he'll be picking her up. He says he has to babysit his sick cousin and can't go to the game. FAIL. He runs off because he can't stand to see the disappointment on her face. He DOES promise he'll come over on Sunday with Jon to study...if he isn't punch drunk from staring at Rosha's lady lumps. As he's leaving school, he briefly thinks about Sharon. But by the time he's outside, he's forgotten about Sharon AND Allie and can only think of Rosha. Such a creep.

It's now Saturday evening and Brady is hanging out beside the fountain at the mall. He's freaking out wondering if Rosha will actually show up. She does and they go see the new Brad Pitt film. Which happens to be a horror movie. Ok then. After the movie, they leave the theater and Brady spots a disfigured girl standing in the shadows. He sees that her face is horribly scarred: "Scars crisscrossed the girl's forehead like railroad tracks. Twisted, ropelike scars almost fused her eyelids shut. Her cheeks and chin wrinkled like shriveled apples." Brady immediately forgets about her. Typical.

In the parking lot, Rosha begs to drive Brady's father's shitty Oldsmobile. I don't get her enthusiasm. Brady eventually relents and comes to regret it because she drives like a drunken Mr. Magoo. She ends up losing control and crashing into a parked car. Brady's head cracks the windshield; he blacks out and wakes up a bit later, bloody but mostly ok. Somehow. Rosha is completely spazzing out. She says the cops will be here any minute and Brady has to switch places with her and say he was driving because she has no license and could get into trouble. I know Shadyside cops suck, but does she really think they won't notice Brady's bloody, concussed head and the cracked windshield on the PASSENGER side? When the cops show up, they simply think Brady hit one of the many patches of ice on the road. They never even ask him any questions. I guess Rosha pegged them correctly--they're stupid. She bailed before they got there. What a sweetheart.

Brady gets nothing but a slap on the wrist for the accident. The car wasn't too damaged so Brady's dad didn't kill him or anything. That Olds is a precious artifact. On Sunday, Brady and Jon go to Allie's house to study. She asks questions about the night before, Brady feeds her a stream of lies, and Jon tries to change the subject. He puts on some music and dances around the room with Allie while Brady mopes on the couch wishing he were with Rosha. When Allie and Jon go to the kitchen for chips and Cokes, Brady tries to look up Rosha's phone number, but he doesn't know where she lives and there are tons of Nelsons listed. He can't sit still for another minute so he says his head is killing him (he has a huge lump on his head from the night before) and abandons Jon and Allie to look for Rosha. You are truly a fool among men, Brady.

Brady goes home and finds a cop waiting for him. He shows Brady something the cops found under the seat of his dad's car: Rosha's purse. Brady simply says his girlfriend lost that and boy howdy, will she be happy to see it! *sigh* Calm down, Jethro. The useless cop leaves and Brady takes the purse upstairs to sniff its contents. He's shocked to find it empty. He expected at least some ID or a penny or a loose cough drop. Nada. He thinks it's weird, but since his attention span is that of a very stupid goldfish, he almost immediately forgets about it and starts thinking about his unsinkable desire for Rosha. The phone rings a moment later and he's disappointed to hear Allie's voice. She's calling to check on him and to ask if they're still going to Mei Kamata's party on Saturday. (Remember Mei from What Holly Heard? Her parties suck.) He gives her a vague complaint about his head to get her off the line quicker without giving her a straight answer and it works. Brady then opens a phone book and starts calling every Nelson listed in the phone book. In between calls, the phone rings. It's a strange girl who tells him to stay away from Rosha. He's going to need more convincing than that...

After school the next day, Brady tries to get out of the building without speaking to Allie, but she catches up to him anyway. HA. She asks him if he wants to come over to her house for junk food and studying. He says he has to go home and look through the want ads for a job. He also says his mom has a bunch of chores for him to do. Since when did stalking become a chore? Once Allie is gone, Brady gets all excited because he remembers that Rosha goes to St. Ann's which is only about 10 minutes away and St. Ann's conveniently lets out 10 minutes after Shadyside High so maybe he can just catch Rosha. He runs across the parking lot to Jon and "asks" him for some help: "We're going to St. Ann's to look for Rosha. I'll stake out the front and you park in the back. That way one of us will see her for sure." Jon says he has to be at work in 20 minutes, but Brady says that's plenty of time. Jon tells Brady that he needs to get a grip and quit obsessing over Rosha. This pisses Brady off and he leaves alone.

Brady arrives at St. Ann's and watches all the students pouring out of the school, but Rosha isn't among them. This is completely unacceptable (how dare she not be where he can see her at all times?!) so Brady heads inside to harrass the secretary about Rosha. He says he needs her number and it's an emergency. The lady says they can't give out information on students. Especially not to obsessive teenage boys with stalkerish tendencies. Brady finally gets it through his thick head that this woman isn't going to help him and off he skips to accost some random guy out on the sidewalk. He figures this virile male specimen will SURELY have noticed hot Rosha, but the guy has never heard of her so Brady shoves him to the ground. The boy jumps on a bus before Brady can attack. He's convinced the guy was lying about not knowing Rosha.

Brady finds himself walking alongside the football field when he spots a girl who, from the back, looks just like Rosha. He runs over to her and when she turns, he sees nothing but massive scarring. It's the girl he saw outside the theater a few nights ago and Brady just can't stand the sight of her so he turns and runs. And lo and behold, he crashes right into Rosha. He tells her about the scarred girl and how he was looking for Rosha. She gets mad at Brady for sniffing around her school and stomps off like a prissy little girl. Since Brady has been completely emasculated by Rosha's sophistication (some might call it 'bitchery') he runs after her, pleading for forgiveness and telling her how crazy he is about her. Oh, he's crazy alright. Rosha forgives him and they hop in Brady's car. He hands her the purse the cop gave him and she claims it's empty because she was excited to meet him, she grabbed the wrong bag. Brady eats it up like a fat kid gobbling cherry pie. They make out and Rosha says she wants to go dancing on Saturday. Brady is in a state of intense ecstasy right now and would agree to anything so they make a date. He briefly thinks about Mei's party and the fact that he was going to take Allie. But that doesn't matter now. Alienating everyone in his life to spend more time with Rosha is SO worth it. Stupid boy.

When Brady gets home, he decides he has to break up with Allie. Before he can call her, the strange girl who warned him about Rosha before, calls again. "Stay away from Rosha. This is no joke. Stay away from her." Brady screams "Forget it! Just leave me alone!" Doesn't he even want to know WHY he should stay away? Of course not. Because Mr. Johnson is doing all the thinking for him.

The next afternoon, as the two are weight lifting in the weight room at Shadyside High, Brady tells Jon that he wanted to break up with Allie, but he couldn't. He lied (didn't see that one coming!) to her about Saturday night: "I told her I'm grounded because I haven't found a job to pay for the car yet." Is he even aware of how much he SUCKS? Brady goes on to tell Jon about the scarred girl and the phone calls and he knows it's the same girl. A moment later, he stares out the window, sees the scarred girl, and drops the weights he's holding. He feels like he's dying until Jon hauls the weights off his chest. Brady starts screaming about the scarred girl and Jon says the reason Brady is so freaked out is because the scarred girl reminds him of Sharon. Brady agrees and has a mini flashback to the accident. He decides he has to talk to Rosha and figure out what connection she has to the scarred girl. He goes to a pay phone outside the locker room and dials the number Rosha gave him the day before. He only gets a recorded message: "You have dialed a nonworking number." This message combined with the fact that Rosha told him she lives on Fear Street should be huge red flags that something in the milk ain't right. But Brady isn't getting it and he leaves for Fear Street without saying anything to Jon.

Once Brady reaches Fear Street, he quickly realizes that the address Rosha gave him doesn't even exist. BURN. The next afternoon, Brady is completely losing his mind because he can't find Rosha. I think he has officially descended into madness. Over a girl he doesn't even know. I'd call him a moron, but at this point it's just too pathetic. I really feel sorry for him...even though I hate him. Brady thinks about Rosha, then Allie, then Rosha's kisses. The doorbell rings and there stands Rosha. Brady summoned her with his pitiful moping and incessant, obsessive thoughts about her! He wishes. She comes in and Brady tells her he tried to find her house, but the address was wrong. She claims she wrote it correctly, but the ink must have smudged or something. Liar. Brady brings up the nonworking phone number and Rosha says she has no clue what's up with that. Liar. Then Brady starts freaking out because Allie's car just pulled up outside. He practically shoves Rosha out of the kitchen, but she trips on a throw rug and "accidentally" stabs him in the side with a letter opener she was holding. Uh, anyone think she's trying to kill him? The burning, the car accident, the stabbing?

Rosha pretends to be so concerned but she yanks the opener out of his side like it was only stuck in butter, not in someone's FLESH. Brady collapses, bleeding all over the place. At that moment, Allie comes running in and starts freaking out. "You stabbed him! You stabbed him!" Rosha says it was an accident and tells Allie to help her get Brady to the hospital. He wakes up in the hospital later with his parents at his side. They tell him they're going down to the cafeteria and the moment they leave, the scarred girl comes in. She tells him that she warned him of Rosha, but he wouldn't listen therefore he got shanked with his own letter opener. The girl asks if Brady is ready to hear the truth about Rosha and he says yes. Unfortunately, a hateful doctor masquerading as Nurse Ratchet comes in and yanks the girl out of the room before she can say anything.

On Saturday, Brady goes home. Naturally, he can only think of holding Rosha and telling her it wasn't her fault that she rammed a sharp object into his gut and then pulled it out like she was carving a Thanksgiving turkey. Allies shows up instead and Brady can barely conceal his disappointment. Allie doesn't waste time in letting Brady know that Rosha told him all about their sneaky "relationship" and they break up. Well, that was uneventful.

After Allie leaves, Brady's mom leves for the store and his dad is at work so you know something HORRIBLE! is about to happen. He goes to his room and gets a phone call from Jon. He tells Brady he's got some interesting news about Rosha and he mentions the girl with the scarred face, but then he's cut off. Brady calls back, but no-one answers so he decides to go to Jon's house to see what the hell is going on.

Cops are at Jon's house. They don't want Brady going inside, but he dashes in anyway. Jon is lying in the living room. He got his windpipe crushed by a marble candlestick. Real classy. An officer takes Brady into another room to ask him some questions. Brady is in shock but manages to tell them about Jon's last phone call and Rosha and the scarred girl. He goes home and listens to a message from Rosha on his machine. She wants him to meet her in the park for SLEDDING. And he goes!

It's snowing and the car is swerving all over the place, but Brady makes it to the park in tact. He finds Rosha...on Miller Hill. She says it looks the way it did on their sledding afternoon. Brady is confused, but Rosha is quick to explain: "Don't tell me you've forgotten, Brady. I haven't forgotten. After all, that was the day you killed me." Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

Rosha says Brady is an idiot for never realizing that she is Sharon. Rosha Nelson is an anagram for Sharon Noles. Rosha says she came back from the dead and took a different body to take revenge on Brady because he was the one who practically forced her to go sledding. As much as I hate to defend Brady, he didn't force Sharon to do anything. He kept badgering her, but she easily could've told him to fuck off and walked away. Rosha starts choking Brady and she almost finishes him off, but someone intervenes. "That's enough, Sharon! You're finished now!" It's the scarred girl who says she wants her body back. She goes to say that Sharon killed her, stole her beautiful body, and...this really makes no sense whatsoever. Apparently they traded spirits. Basically. I think. Or something. ANYWAY, the two undead girls battle and it actually becomes resonably awesome. They literally rip each other apart, tearing off limbs and snapping one another's head off. Once they behead each other, they go rolling down Miller Hill and disappear in the snow.

Epilogue

Brady is walking to Allie's house. He finds her shovelling snow and tells her he wants to apologize again for what happened between them. He begs Allie for another chance and tells her he has a question for her before she answers. First he explains that Rosha killed him on Miller Hill which is why he looks like death. "I'm dead." Thanks, Brady. Allie assumes he's joking, but she can't deny that he's as cold as the grave. "So cold. So cold. Because I'm dead." Yeah, we get it, Brady. He wants Allie to take him back even though he's a dead man. The book ends with Allie screaming.

Conclusion? Wow. I really want to like this one. I DO like this one! But there are so many questions that went unanswered. Who was the scarred girl? How did Sharon have the power to rise from the dead and trade spirits with some unsuspecting girl? Why did they both vanish into thin air after dismembering one another? How was Brady still walking and talking at the end? I also don't understand why Brady was such an unlikable jerk. Shouldn't we have at least some sympathy for the main character?! Well, we can't when he's an arrogant, cheating asshole. Oh well. When the girls ripped their heads off, that kind of made up for Brady's low points. I'm a sucker for decapitation.

Next time: On Halloween, I'm posting Still More Tales to Give You Goosebumps. I know it isn't Fear Street, but the stories are all Halloween related, short, and totally ridiculous so that should be entertaining. The next Fear Street book, though, will be Runaway. (If she doesn't control her super cranial powers, people are gonna start dropping like flies!)