The Overnight

Book Description:

"Nothing bad will happen," Della O'Connor assures her friends in the Outdoors Club. So what if their advisor can't go on the overnight to Fear Island - won't it be more fun with no adults around? But it's no fun at all when Della gets lost in the woods, and the dangerous stranger appears, whispering threats, driving her to a violent act. Suddenly all of her friends are involved, prisoners in a conspiracy of silence, trying to conceal the terrible truth. But someone saw what Della did. And he's threatening them all, forcing them back to Fear Island to find the evidence they forgot to bury...

My Description:

We begin with Della digging through her locker. She's disgusted because someone scratched 'Della and Gary' inside a heart on the the inside of the door. (WHO did?) She doesn't wanna think about Gary since she dumped him a few weeks ago. I pray this is Gary Brandt we're talking about. I'd like to know if he's MORE than just a disgusting slut. (Doubtful) Anyway, Della starts thinking about the upcoming Outdoors Club overnight and how Gary will be there. Unfortunately, Suki Thomas will also be there and she only joined the club to be near Gary because she's a skank. Dude, it has to be Gary Brandt! Suki and Gary are always mentioned together because they're partners in whoredom! (Why does this excite me so much? I hate myself right now.) We get a quick description about how beautiful Della is. Naturally, she's blonde and blue eyed because Stine apparently thinks any other hair color is the devil's work. Della shuts her locker and finds her ugly friend Maia Franklin (she's described as a brunette Orphan Annie with short frizzy curls and giant glasses. WHY?!) who probably only exists to make Della look better. They talk about the overnight and Maia's strict parents which leads Maia to make a quick reference to sex: "I guess [my parents] think if I spend the night camping out on an island where there are boys, I'm going to behave like a rabbit in heat." Thank you for that disgusting visual. Della's response: "And what's wrong with that?" What the hell is going on here?! I thought Shadyside teens were sexless androids! My entire belief system is shaken to the core. If someone says there actually ISN'T a pet cemetery on every corner, my head will explode.

The girls walk to Mr. Abner's classroom for a meeting of the Outdoors Club. Suki and Gary are talking and we have to get a description of Suki's looks because "very punky looking" girls shouldn't be in the outdoors, apparently. She didn't join for the nature. She joined for the Gary. ZING! The girls take their seats and soon after, Ricky Schorr comes bouncing in. I can't remember what other book this guy is in, but I do remember that he is incredibly annoying, thinks he's hilarious, and never shuts the hell up. He drops some leaves on Gary's desk and challenges him to identify them since Gary is the club president. Since this is Ricky we're talking about, the leaves are poison ivy. Gary didn't know which means Gary ain't no outdoorsman. He wrestles Ricky to the floor just as Mr. Abner walks in. He tells them to knock it off, informs Gary the leaves are grape ivy (Gary is a dumbass), and tells everyone he can't take them on the overnight Saturday because of a personal emergency. Everyone is really disappointed and Mr. Abner leaves after telling them they'll go sometime soon. Suki, because she's bad and rebellious, suggests they go alone. I really can't believe they're all so shocked at the idea. They're teenagers, not 6 year olds! Maia keeps screaming that her parents will kill her. THEN DON'T GO, GENIUS. Everyone agrees to go and Della persuades Maia. "Trust me, Maia. Nothing bad will happen." And we all know how that turns out...

It's now Saturday and Della is finishing her packing with Mom's help. Mom wants to know why the overnight has to be on Fear Island since it's so spooooky and Della says that's the point. I'm sure you want to know more about Fear Island. Well...here you go: "Fear Island was a small uninhabited island, covered with pine trees, in the center of the lake behind the Fear Street Woods. Even though it was the perfect spot for picnics and camping and only a few minutes' boat ride across the lake, few people ventured there because of the dreadful stories about it." Had enough? No you haven't: "Some said that strange animal mutations, hideous dangerous creatures that didn't exist anywhere else, roamed the woods. Others said the island was infected with poisonous snakes. And there were stories that the island had been used long ago as an Indian burial ground and that ghosts walked the woods at night, seeking revenge for their fates." Have fun, kids!

A guy named Pete from the club arrives in his Subaru to take Della to the lake. He has a crush on her, but she's still mooning over Gary...even though SHE broke up with HIM. They arrive and see that everyone else is already there. Della can't get over how good Gary looks, but the sight of Suki curling around him like a feral cat really kills her buzz. They get into a couple of canoes and start paddling toward the island. Once there, Suki starts whining about a broken nail and Ricky won't stop making stupid jokes and I think it would be better is everyone just drowned them both now and saved themselves a lot of pain later. They set up two tents, one for boys, one for girls. At one point, Della realizes Gary is alone for once without Suki hanging all over him. At least Della THOUGHT he was alone. She walks along a short trail and finds Suki and Gary slurping each other up like they're cherry Slushies.

Later, Ricky takes out what we today call "paintball guns". In the faraway land of 1989, however, they're referred to as "pistols" for a "ZAP war". Actually, I can't even call them paintballs because the paint isn't in ball form. They're just squirting streams of paint at each other. The teams are boys vs. girls (of course) and Della hates having to associate with Suki. The girls decide to split up. Maia heads off first, leaving Della alone with Suki for a moment. Suki uses the opportunity to bring up Gary: "Gary's really nice. You broke up with him, right?" Della immediately runs off into the woods without answering. HA! After managing to hit Ricky with a blob of yellow paint, Della runs deeper into the woods and realizes she's lost. Dark clouds are rolling in and Della is starting to get really freaked out. The fact that she hears footsteps nearby isn't helping any. She thinks it's just one of the others sneaking up on her, but it turns out to be some creepy stranger. He's dressed nicely and is really hot so Della isn't as scared as she should be. Handsome strangers with nice coats aren't dangerous! Only dirty derelicts with ripped jeans are. *sigh* You poor stupid girl. Della explains what she's doing out in the woods, but the guy is really vague when Della asks him what he's doing out here. Eventually he says he's a college student from Boston doing a project on trees and that's how he came to be in the woods of Shadyside in the middle of the semester. "Lots of trees to study on the island. I'm doing my paper on tree reproduction." You're joking, right? Because that has got to be the lamest excuse in the history of EVER. He's acting really shifty, blatantly lying, and won't even tell Della his name yet she continues to chat and joke like he's her BFF. When Della FINALLY becomes suspicious, it's too late. The guy grabs her hair and yanks her toward him. She starts to scream, but the guy tells her it's useless because no-one will hear her. He starts babbling about communication and how the old man wouldn't listen to him and it's about time he got something he wanted. The boy ain't right. Della somehow manages to shoot him in the forehead with her paint gun. She runs, he catches her, they struggle, and she ends up shoving him down a ravine. Della makes her way down even though it's obvious he's D-E-A-D. She decides she won't let a random creep's death ruin her life so she just won't tell anyone. That's nice. She starts grabbing handfuls of leaves and piling them over his corpse...until she looks up and sees Ricky and Maia staring down at her. Uhhh-ohhh.

Della starts climbing out of the ravine screaming "He attacked me!" and starts rambling that his fall was an accident blah blah blah. He's still dead and it's still your fault. Pete, Gary, and Suki wander over to gawk at the dead man. Ricky asks plenty of stupid questions, Gary wants to know whether the guy is really dead, and Maia is crying that her parents are going to kill her. Because this is all about her and the fact that she might get grounded for 2.5 seconds. Let's all ignore the dead man! I'm beginning to hate them all. How surprising. Instead of getting the hell off the island and going to the police, they decide the best thing to do is to cover him with leaves and forget all about him. Then they go back to camp and choose to spend the night because their parents might get suspicious if they went home early. They cook hot dogs around the fire and Ricky tells plenty of stupid jokes that no-one listens to. Gary says that before they go to sleep, they all need to take an oath of secrecy. As if anyone will be able to keep this a secret. He's dumber than I thought. They all agree and head for their tents.

A few hours later, Della wakes up and thinks she hears someone outside the tent so she wakes Suki and Maia. Not once does any of them think it might be one of the guys out for a midnight pee. When Della creeps outside, she doesn't see anyone but notices the backpacks have been knocked over and assumes it was a raccoon or muscular chipmunk that she heard.

The next morning, everyone finds the canoes missing along with Ricky's backpack. Ricky whines like a little bitch and everyone else wonders what they're going to do. Can none of them swim? Why am I still asking questions? Maia is STILL worried about her parents finding out she's here UNSUPERVISED! THE HORROR! Shut up, Maia. A moment later, Ricky the Royal Jackass announces that HE moved the canoes yesterday as a joke. Everyone hates him even more than before, but they're relieved to be getting off the island and away from their dirty little secret.

Once Della gets home, she struggles not to tell her mom what happened because Mom would probably have a heart attack if she knew her perfect spawn just killed a man. Della sleeps all day and wakes at 4 PM. She makes herself a sandwich, eats it with a Coke, and does some Government homework without thinking about her victim very much at all. At dinner, she realizes she no longer has an urge to tell her mom anything and talks about the paint war instead. A little later, Maia calls. She's totally paranoid, convinced her parents suspect something, and begs Della to come over. Della searches for her wallet before leaving (will she have to show ID before Maia's parents let her in?) but can't find it.

At Maia's house, Maia answers the door and drags Della to her pink frilly room where she breaks down and sobs. Della tells her she needs to get some sleep and forget about the man in the ravine because he was crazy, not some innocent boy. Eventually Maia calms down and Della leaves in a fairly good mood. That doesn't last long, though, because someone left a little surprise for Della at home. She finds an envelope on the porch and opens it. Out falls a tiny silver skull (the dead guy was wearing a necklace with one on it) and a note that reads "I SAW WHAT YOU DID." Of course you did.

On Tuesday night, the Outdoors Club gang (except Pete who is late) meets at Della's house to discuss the note. Della assumed it was one of Ricky's jokes, but even Ricky has higher standards than that. Gary also received a skull, but no note. How very sinister. Gary mentions he lost his wallet and Della says she did too and that must be how the sneaky skull gremlin got their addresses. After discussing that, they hear someone knocking on the door. But when Della answers, there's no-one there. NOOO! She runs to make sure the other doors are locked and a moment later, the knocking starts again. Gary answers, there's nobody there, and they chalk it up to neighborhood kids playing a joke because that makes them feel better. Since Gary is a total dumbass, he decides the best plan of action is to take the prankster's picture. He grabs Della's Polaroid and tells her that the next time the person knocks, jerk open the door and Gary will snap a picture. The knock comes, but the guy leaps off the porch and runs. All Gary got was a blurry photo of the screen door. A second later, Pete walks in and they explain what just happened. He says he didn't see anyone, but that doesn't make sense because he was practically right there. I'm watching you, Pete...

Maia has had enough and says she's leaving, but Pete stops her with a newspaper article (the almighty power of print). It tells the story of a recent burglary/murder. Two men broke into the tiny cottage of a gardener who was rumored to be an eccentric millionaire who kept his money hidden somewhere in the cottage. I'm sure. The burglars found nothing but the gardener so they killed him for not being rich. A picture of one of the burglars shocks everyone: it's the man they (accidentally!) left for dead in the woods. They believe that the man who is half-heartedly stalking them must be the dead guy's partner out for revenge. They all argue over the guy's possible motives because they're all morons--didn't they just say he wants revenge? Maia doesn't join in the conversation because the only thing she gives a damn about is whether or not she gets in trouble with her parents. Della finally loses it: "Oh, Maia - stop thinking about yourself for once! You're only worried about your parents finding out that you went on the overnight without a chaperone. You don't care what happens to the rest of us!" And none of you care about the deceased gent who's currently rotting away under a pile of moldy leaves in the woods. Your parents obviously raised you right. *sigh* Maia shuts her mouth and everyone starts arguing again. Until they hear a knock at the door. But don't get too excited--it's just Della's mom and her friend Mr. Garrison.


Mr. Garrison is probably more than just a friend, as evidenced by his hasty explanation for walking Mom home: "Your mother forgot her house key." That's just fine and dandy, Mr. Garrison. But if she did indeed "forget her house key" what the hell could you do? There's no mention of you being an expert locksmith so me thinks you were over for super happy fun time. Don't worry, Mr. Garrison, we won't tell. Anyway, everyone explains they were having an Outdoors Club meeting but they're done now and they all leave. Pete stays behind to ask Della out for Friday night and she says yes. Love blossoms even among the darkness of murder and lies. NOT!

It's now Friday night and Della and Pete are dancing at The Mill (a dance club that was once...a mill). After a while, they get all sweaty and tired and decide to leave for a burger before going home. As they're driving, someone starts tailing them. Pete, who is proving to be as stupid as Gary, pulls over and starts to get out to confront the driver. But Della stops him and begs him to just drive. He speeds away and the other car immediately follows. It starts bumping Pete's dad's precious car so Pete makes a sudden U-turn in the road and the car speeds past them. But of course it isn't over. The car turns around and promptly crashes right into a tree. NOW it's over. Pete drives over to check the damage and decides to get out to see if the driver is still alive. The car is completely totaled but the driver's side is surprisingly unscathed. The car is empty.

It's now Monday afternoon and Della is telling Maia about the car. Maia freaks out a bit and then they go to the Outdoors Club meeting. Mr. Abner comes in looking like Howdy Doody and begins apologizing for not being able to take them on the overnight. But he has great news! He'll be able to take them Saturday! Damn it all. Della and Ricky at least attempt to act enthusiastic, but the other pretend they have plans and might not be able to go. The meeting is over so they all head out after promising to meet with Mr. Abner on Wednesday to let him know if they'll be able to go. They stand around in the student parking lot trying to think of a way out of the overnight. Ricky brings up his missing ZAP gun and asks Della if she can bring it to his house. Unfortunately, it's lying at the bottom of a ravine with a dead man. Ricky completely loses it, saying when the cops find the corpse, they'll see his gun and know it's his because he's known for his ZAP guns. Yes, he's serious. Ricky angers them all by saying if he gets caught, he'll take them all down with him. Della says everything is her fault so she'll go back to Fear Island for the stupid gun. They all decide to go on the overnight if for no other reason than to retrieve Ricky's gun. "It couldn't be any worse than the last overnight - could it?" Shut up, Maia.

It's now Saturday and the Outdoors Club is floating across the lake to Fear Island. Once they come ashore, Mr. Abner says they'll go on a hike now and set up camp later. Della and Pete decide they'll get the gun after the hike when everyone is gathering fire wood. After what seems like an eternity of walking, they finally go back to build a fire. Della and Pete attempt to run off to the ravine, but Mr. Abner assumes they're going to go make out or something and tells them to come back. He goes on ahead and a moment later, they hear someone screaming. It's Maia who is sitting on the ground with Abner's bloody head in her lap. The creepy man has followed them here and Maia saw him hit Abner with something and run away. Gary, Suki, and Ricky decide to go back for help and as they're leaving, Ricky reminds Della about his damned stupid gun. There are much bigger things to worry about!!! Della decides to go for it now and Pete says he'll go with her. Maia doesn't want to be left alone so Della tells him to stay. At first he argues, but Della has a whistle and says she'll blow it if anything happens. He gives her a flashlight and she runs off into the woods.

As Della nears the ravine, she spots a flash of light (possibly made by one of those newfangled FLASHLIGHTS) and realizes someone else is out here. She starts runningand ends up falling down the ravine. Smooth. She thinks she's fallen on the dead man but the leaf pile is flat. She searches for her flashlight and finds it, but it's dead. Then someone shines a light on her from above. "No! It can't be! You were dead! I know you were dead!" The man ignores Della's screams and jumps down into the ravine. She cracks her flashlight over his head and it suddenly flashes on. Har har har. She doesn't recognize the man and thinks it must be the "dead" guy's partner in crime. She crawls out of the ravine and starts running toward camp. Except the "dead" man steps out from behind a tree and stops everything. Della says he's dead. Obviously not, smart one. The man says he has a very faint pulse and was NEVER dead! I can feel my brain cells dying the longer this conversation goes on. Della asks him why he's been messing with her and her friends and he says he thought he could blackmail them and get some money since the old gardener didn't have any. Then he starts smacking Della in the face and telling her to shut up. He pulls out a pistol and Della thinks she's about to die, but it's just that stinking ZAP gun. He starts laughing as paint drips down Della's forehead. She runs, but he catches her and tells her she shouldn't have done that because he has a real gun and now he might have to use it. Of course Super Pete saves the day by running in just in time and shooting paint into the crazy man's eyes. Yee haw! Della and Pete make it back to the campsite with the man on their heels. But the cops have arrived and play time is over.

A week later, Della is preparing to go to Pete's house. He comes to pick her up with a folded tent in the backseat as a joke. It would be funny if it weren't so unfunny. The book ends with Pete asking if you can roast marshmallows in front of a TV and Della replying "We can try." Tune in next time as these lovesick fools go up in flames!

Conclusion? I would have liked this book a lot if there hadn't been so many holes in the story. I'm left with more questions than answers: is Gary's last name Brandt? What happened to Ricky's backpack? How deep was that ravine? Why didn't Della check to see if the man was actually dead? On the second overnight, why didn't they just convince Mr. Abner to go somewhere besides Fear Island? Why was Mr. Abner dressed like a deranged cowboy? Why did Della break up with Gary and why did she want him back? I kind of wish this book had been about the adventures of Della's mom and Mr. Garrison.

Next time: "Phone Calls" Another sad attempt at comedy. This one could get ugly...

What Holly Heard

Book Description:

Do you want to hear a secret? Holly did. She learned a terrible secret and now her friends know it too. Someone wants to make sure they never talk about it. Someone who'll go to any length to keep them quiet. Lying... Threats... Even murder.

My Description:

This better be a damn good secret...

The very first line of the book comes from Holly: "Guess what I just heard!" She's clopping down the hall at Shadyside High toward her friends Miriam Maryles (is that the WASP version of Morales? You suck, Stine.) and Ruth Carver. Holly is a notorious gossip and Ruth really doesn't wanna hear any more of this crap (Miriam, on the other hand, loves it.) But that doesn't stop Holly from yakking away: "I just heard that Mei Kamata has been having huge fights with her mother for the past two weeks. She told me she might run away!" Holly, you're getting entirely too much pleasure from someone else's pain. Since Mei is one of the richest kids in Shadyside, this is BIG news. Because rich people usually don't have any problems whatsoever. *sigh* Anyway, Holly goes on to say that the fights are usually over Noah Brennan, Mei's rebel-without-a-brain boyfriend, because Mei's mom hates him. You know Noah's a bad ass because he has long hair, a double pierced ear (DOUBLE!), muscles, and a baaaaad attitude. Basically identical to every other "wild" one in Shadyside. Cliches hurt me. Holly says she really hopes he and Mei break up because she wants a shot at him. She has a thing for greasy hair and uneven piercings. Ruth asks about Gary Foster (no Brandt?!) Holly's BOYFRIEND, but Holly simply says "Gary's nice, Ruth. But I don't know what it is about Noah. I think about him all the time." He's got an unforgettable stench. Holly notices Noah coming down the hall and she just can't believe how gorgeous he is: ripped jeans, black T-shirt, leather bomber jacket, shaggy hair, silver arrow earring. I don't see the appeal yet Holly is practically having an orgasm right in the hall. A moment later, Mei comes up to rain on Holly's parade. Mei is gorgeous and has a "hot" boyfriend so naturally Holly is harboring the green-eyed monster. Mei and Noah walk off together, presumably to Mei's house since her parents won't be home until much later so they'll have plenty of time to drink Coke, play Scrabble, and rub their dry lips together until the friction causes a fire that Noah will put out with the cold congealed chicken grease on his head. That stuff has to be good for something.

After they leave, Miriam and Ruth carry on about what a jerk Noah is and how Holly is a complete fool for even thinking about him since she has Gary. Holly doesn't listen (as usual) and says tonight at Mei's party (since when is she having a party? I really need to pay better attention to the trivial aspects of these peoples' lives. Something interesting might happen!) Holly will make her move. Miriam is freaked out by the way Holly is acting and when Holly says "I would do absolutely anything to get Noah." Miriam gets scared. Why why WHY is this such a popular plot in these books? No girl in her right mind aspires to be this:

After school, Holly and Miriam are walking to Holly's car when Miriam spots her hunk of jock meat, Jed. Jed is the "tall, muscular captain of the Shadyside Tigers basketball team. Miriam had been dating Jed since the beginning of their senior year and it was now February." Jed is Miriam's superhero which is why she understands what Mei and Noah have together. She knows what it's like to let a teenage boy become the center of your universe, she knows what it's like to LOVE! Gag. Me. Unfortunately, Jed has been acting like a complete ass lately, losing his temper and screaming when Miriam even looks at him wrong. Miriam blames this on "a dark, angry creature [that seemed] to slide into his body." Wow. I was going to blame 'roid rage, but I guess being violated on a daily basis by a shadow creature could also be the culprit. Miriam asks him what's wrong (because he looks like mummified shit) and then asks if they're still going to Mei's party. He gets pissy, tells her he'll pick her up at eight, and storms off. Maturity is obviously his strong suit. Except not.

As Holly is driving Miriam home, she asks what's wrong with Jed. Miriam says that sometimes he's really sweet and other times he's completely psychotic and she has no idea what's up. Since Holly is a snoop who likes to butt her fat head in other people's business, she says she'll start keeping a really close eye on him to figure out his issues. Yeah, this won't end badly.

That evening, Jed, Miriam, Ruth, and Miriam's dorky cousin Patrick are on their way to Mei's party. Jed is all sunshine and rainbows now so Miriam is happy because every aspect of her life is dominated by Jed. When they arrive at Mei's house, they can hear a local band playing. They're called the Dustmites. Really? No, REALLY? In spite of their incredibly stupid name, they apparently rock because almost every kid in Shadyside is packed into Mei's giant house. Patrick immediately runs off to get his freak on and Ruth, who Miriam cruelly set up with Patrick for the night, stands nearby looking bored. Meanwhile, Miriam attempts to get Jed's attention back on her; he's spotted Holly who's dressed in a tight slutty dress and he can't take his eyes off her: "Wow!" Creep. Miriam drags Jed over to talk to Holly and her dimwitted boyfriend Gary who is on the basketball team with Jed. Miriam and Holly walk off to talk and Holly confesses that she's dressed like a 10 cent hooker to attract Noah's attention. It's working a little TOO well and Mei seems pretty pissed, but instead of kicking Holly's ass out of her house, she just gives her dagger eyes. Miriam is disgusted by her skanky friend and drags her back to Gary and Jed. They all start dancing...until every light in the house goes out and a loud scream comes from the kitchen. Don't worry--absolutely nothing of interest happened. The band blew a fuse, Mei's mom screamed, and everyone is still alive which just sucks. When the lights come back on, Miriam sees that Holly is clinging to Noah. Mei looks ready to KILL! KILL! KILL! and Noah goes over to settle her. Holly claims that she got scared and grabbed for someone who just happened to be Noah. Shut up, Holly, you filthy stinking liar.

The next night, Miriam and Ruth are hanging out at Ruth's house, waiting for Holly to pick them up for a basketball game. Unless a glass backboard falls on Jed, slicing and dicing, I really couldn't care less. While they're waiting, the girls talk about Jed's twisted psychosis, Holly's urges for Noah, and how cute Ruth's hamsters, Tilly and Lizzy, are. What a glamorous life. I'd rather be a hamster. Anyway, Ruth says she can't stand how Holly treats Gary and Gary told her that he knows that Holly isn't interested in him but he stays with her to be nice. I think it's the other way around, stupid. Seriously, what is wrong with him?!

Finally Holly shows up and immediately starts yapping away about how awesome the party got after Ruth and Miriam left. Mei and her mom got into a huge fight in front of everyone about Noah (Mei's mom said he was an "irresponsible creep". I think I love this woman.) Eventually her mom kicked everyone out and got her car toilet papered and beer cans thrown all over her lawn for her trouble (the group who did this was led by Noah. Because he's such a bad ass, sticking it to the oldsters like that). Holly heard (oh how Holly HEARS) that Mei became hysterical after everyone left and her mother told her she was never to see Noah again. Why can't this book be about Mei's AWESOME mom? Even if it was just a chronicle of her bowel movements, it would be so much better than this. Anyway, Holly is obviously elated that Noah is probably free now so she can move in for the kill. What a wicked little harpy. Thankfully, Miriam and Ruth remind Holly that Mei will never listen to her mother and she and Noah are probably going stronger than ever. Holly has to admit it's true. HA. Then Ruth and Holly get into a fight over how Holly treats Gary and blah blah blah. Miriam breaks it up before it gets interesting. Ruth decides not to go to the basketball game so Miriam and Holly leave without her.

Throughout the game, Jed plays pretty badly. He's mad about it and when a player from the other team blocks one of Jed's shots AND elbows him in the face, Jed totally loses it. He punches the guy in the mouth and blood gushes everywhere/ But that's not enough for dear Jed. He grabs the kid in a choke hold and hangs on until he starts to turn purple. Finally someone pulls them apart before Jed kills the guy. The coach tells Jed to get lost and the game continues like nothing ever happened. Miriam is freaked out because she's dating a homicidal maniac. But who cares? Shadyside wins the game! WOOOO!

After the game, Holly waits in the car while Miriam goes to find Jed. When she asks him if he's ok, he responds with "No, Miriam, I'm not. I came this close to getting kicked off the team, okay? Is that enough information for you and your friends?" What a little bitch. He goes on to say that he doesn't like being elbowed which is why he had to lose his shit on the court. To bring his point home, he starts shoving and poking Miriam, asking if she likes that. Then he grabs her hand and grips it so hard, Miriam starts to scream. He stops and says he's sorry, but Miriam isn't buying it. It took him almost breaking her hand for her to realize he's a total creep?! *sigh* Miriam turns to run but turns back to tell Jed if he touches her again, they're through. Once should have been the deal breaker, fool. Anyway, Jed says "I never wanted to hurt you, Miriam. I just...I only wanted you to know how it felt for me out there. Playing basketball has never been this hard for me before." ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? To make matters worse, Miriam actually buys this bullshit: "She could actually feel some sympathy for him. She reached out and gave his hand a squeeze." I'm going to barf. Seriously, this is truly sickening.

After that disgusting display, Miriam walks back to Holly's car. Holly has been eavesdropping (as usual) and heard something juicy (is this "What Holly Heard"?). She overheard Mei and Noah arguing about what happened on the night of the party. "I heard them say they were going to kill Mei's mother!" Oh joy. Miriam doesn't take this seriously and even laughs at Mei's exact words ("I'll kill my mother for this.") Miriam says that Mei has said that many times after a fight with her mom. Homicidal threats are big among Shadyside's teenage set. Eventually Holly calms down and as an afterthought, asks how things went with Jed. Miriam spills everything and instead of driving back to run him over a couple of times, Holly just says "Are you okay?". Um...NO. Holly DOES try to convince Miriam that Jed isn't worth her time, but Miriam just spews off that basketball is stressing him out and that's why he's acting like a lunatic who just popped out of Happy Sparrow Insane Asylum. Damn you, Miriam!

On Monday morning, Miriam tells Ruth about what happened with Jed. Ruth says Miriam should get him some help. I agree that he needs help, but Miriam's friends should be more worried about HER than her psychopathic boyfriend. Anyway, Ruth and Miriam have a good laugh at Holly's expense over her hysterics the night before. They choke on their laughter when Holly walks up a moment later and tells them that Mei's mom is dead. She was found at the bottom of her spiral staircase with a broken neck. Did Mei push her or was it just an unfortunate accident with a banana peel? Hmm. Holly is certain that Mei and Noah were involved, but Miriam predictably denies it. Holly wants to go to the police, but Miriam tells her to shut up because Noah is coming. Noah looks like he spent the night in a bong which scares Miriam. Red rimmed eyes equal MURDERER!!! Noah stops and says "I guess you heard about Mei's mom." Miriam blurts that they're all really sorry about it and Noah goes on to say that Mei is a wreck and he's just here to pick up her homework. Then he turns to Holly and says he saw her in the parking lot on Saturday night. All Holly can do is look at his hands and wonder if those are the hands of a killer. Killerhandskillerhandskillerhands. "They saw me, Miriam! They know I heard them plotting to kill Mei's mom. They know and now they're going to kill me too!" Dare to dream. Holly freaks out for a few more minutes until all three girls decide not to speak of it anymore. Which means we'll be hearing about it until the last page of this horrible book.

That evening, Holly calls Miriam at 7:30 PM from the school where she stayed to help decorate the gym for a "victory rally" and everyone else has left and she's scared to be alone and wants Miriam to come. Oh, and she has some important news about Jed. Miriam rushes right down (anything for Jed!) and wanders around the creepy deserted gym searching for Holly. She spots the edge of Holly's blue scarf on the floor, partially hidden by a giant sign. She steps closer and sees that the scarf is wrapped tightly around Holly's neck. She's sprawled across the floor with blood trickling from her nose. Miriam only starts screaming when she sees Holly's eyes: "Her beautiful green eyes. No longer green. They had rolled back into her head. Like two egg whites, they stared up blankly, lifelessly at Miriam." Yeah...Holly's dead. Miriam starts freaking out and out of nowhere, Jed pops up. He goes to make sure Holly is REALLY dead and runs to call 911. Then he and Miriam go outside to wait. Jed immediately starts acting crazy, kicking the tires of Holly's car and beating his fists on the hood like a deranged ape. Miriam tells him to stop and just hold her. But once his meaty arms are wrapped around her, she starts wondering what the hell he was doing inside the school. Supposedly he was weight lifting with Gary who left a little earlier. And Gary's tape player was on so they couldn't hear a girl being murdered or anything. A likely story... Anyway, it doesn't matter what Jed or Gary was doing because Miriam has already convinced herself that MEI murdered Holly. *sigh*

The next afternoon, Miriam hangs out at Ruth's house. Ruth lives on Fear Street and no-one has suspected her of the murders? Morons. The girls talk about how upset Gary was. I doubt it. In fact, he probably killed her. After all, everyone knows she treated him like crap. Anyway, Miriam rambles on about how miserable she is and Ruth gets pissed when Miriam says she doesn't want to think about who could've murdered Holly. Ruth believes Mei and Noah were involved and even though Miriam was thinking the same thing the night before, she's apparently changed her mind. Five seconds later, she goes back to believing they did it because Ruth says they're the only ones with a motive. But they have no proof so they're not saying anything. There are no words for how much I want to sucker punch them both. Eventually Ruth changes the subject and says she got Miriam's homework for her since she was too upset by the sight of those egg white eyeballs to attend school. Ruth reaches into her backpack, pulls out her notebook, and is shocked to find it covered in blooooood. Someone scrawled a message with the red stuff: "We know you know. That's why you die next!" Typical. Murderers in these books have no sense of creativity. Ruth automatically says it had to be Mei. I am so SICK of this Mei crap! First, they have absolutely no proof that she killed anyone. Second, even if she and Noah knew that Holly overheard them talking that night, why in the hell would they have cared? Even if they actually murdered Mei's mom and Holly told the cops what she heard, that's not enough proof! I HATE THIS BOOK!

So the bloody notebook prompts Ruth and Miriam to talk to the cops. Because their best friend's corpse wasn't enough. Damn these fools. What's gained from the trip to the Shadyside police? The knowledge that the notebook was coated in RED PAINT, not blood. That's it. Afterward, Miriam calls Jed and begs him to come over. Inviting Jed over is always a mistake. He starts ranting about how Holly treated Gary like crap (this should be a drinking game. Drink everytime someone says "Holly done gone and wronged that boy!") and how Holly was snooping around, asking Gary questions about Jed. Jed ends his screaming tirade by saying Holly got what she deserved because everything was her fault. WHAT was? Miriam says she was the one who told Holly to ask about Jed because she wants to know what the hell is wrong with him. He blames it on "Pressure." again. Then he runs to his car and speeds away. My brain is bleeding...

The next day, the school has a memorial for Holly. Miriam bitches to Ruth about not wanting to get up in front of everyone to speak about Holly. This isn't about you, Miriam, so shut your damn mouth. Ruth goes into the gym, but Miriam runs to a bathroom stall because she thinks she's going to be sick. Nothing happens so she just splashes her face with cold water...and nearly pees her pants when she turns and sees Noah and Mei standing in the doorway. They're extremely pissed because Miriam told a bunch of lies to the cops. Mei screams that she loved her mother and never would have hurt her. She says her mother's fall was an accident and keeps screaming that Miriam had no right to say those things. So now Miriam thinks it was just Noah. Just when you think she can't possibly get any dumber.

After school, as Miriam is walking past the boy's locker room, she hears Jed and Gary arguing. To make a stupid story short, Gary says he's going to tell someday and Jed says he better just forget everything he knows. Jed comes storming up to her a moment later and apologizes yet again for how he's been acting and asks her to come to his basketball game tonight. It's his last chance to get a scholarship so if he messes this up, he'll probably kill everyone in the school. Unfortunately, Miriam chooses this moment to bring up Holly yet again and accuse Jed of hiding something about her murder. He flips out and screams that he doesn't want to talk about her anymore. Miriam asks him what he was really doing at the school the night Holly was killed and he tells her again that he was lifting weights. He then says he's done with this conversation and walks off. Miriam can't just let it go, though, so she calls to him at the door and tells him she'll be at the game tonight. Of course.

That evening, Miriam begs Ruth to go to the game with her. This somehow leads to the two arguing yet AGAIN about whether or not Mei killed her mother and Holly. This got old about 100 pages ago. And I don't even care anymore. I'm just praying that this ends soon so I can move on with my life! Miriam leaves Ruth with her hamsters and runs on home to get ready for the game.

Miriam's mom drops her off at the school about an hour early so she can have a moment with Jed for some unholy reason. She spots Jed near the water fountain, popping something into his mouth before taking a sip ('ROID RAGE!). When Miriam asks him what it was, he says "Oh, um, it's a high potency vitamin. I found it at a health food store in Waynesbridge. It gives me energy before the game." Liar. Miriam wishes him luck and Jed jogs off.

It's now the middle of the third quarter and Shadyside is losing. Tee hee. Miriam takes her eyes off the game for a moment...and notices Noah sitting alone and staring at her. She turns her attention back to the game just in time to watch Jed work himself into a fury. He ends up punching someone from the opposite team in the jaw, rocking the guy's head back so hard, Miriam is afraid his neck might be broken. Then Jed grabs the guy by the throat and starts pounding his head into the floor. Is no-one going to stop him?? As Miriam watches in horror, she realizes that Jed killed Holly. Ok. She freaks out and runs to the parking lot. She decides to head for Ruth's house since she doesn't live too far away. As she's running, she hears someone behind her, but she doesn't stop. It turns out to be JED, of course, and he calls out to her, but that just makes her run faster. Eventually she stops and looks around. Jed seems to be gone...until he pops out from behind a shrub and grabs her. *cue generic horror movie music* She elbows him, runs to Ruth's house, and becomes even more creeped out when Ruth tells her Jed isn't the murderer. Miriam asks her how she knows and she just says "Two other murders. Tonight." Ruth drags Miriam upstairs and tells her that Mei and Noah broke in and killed her beloved hamsters. The note: "Dead hamsters today...Dead girls tomorrow." You have got to be joking. I mean, COME ON. Miriam dials the police and the girls sit down to wait. While Ruth sits in her mom's room, Miriam goes into Ruth's room to cover the hamsters with something so Ruth won't have to see them. When she opens Ruth's closet, a bloody claw hammer falls to the floor.

Ruth enters the room, immediately becomes furious when she sees the hammer, and attacks Miriam. She attempts to smash Miriam's brains out with the hammer and the girls wrestle around until the hammer comes in contact with Miriam's kneecap. Miriam manages to punch Ruth in the face which somehow leads to the two having a conversation about why Ruth killed Holly. Holly had to die because she treated Gary like crap (drink) and Ruth is in love with Gary. "There is no hope. All of us were put on this earth to suffer and Holly never suffered." How...deep. Just as Ruth prepares to finish Miriam with the hammer, Jed bursts in. Sadly, Ruth throws the hammer at Jed's head and he's down before he can do anything. But it's ok because Miriam ends up smashing the glass hamster cage over Ruth's head, effectively ending the fight.

Miriam runs over to Jed who is just regaining consciousness. He says he killed Holly. Damn this book. He goes on to say that he's been taking steroids (duh) and if he hadn't been so messed up, he could've saved Holly from Ruth that night. The end of this book is painfully stupid:

Miriam: "We've got to call the police. Right away."
Jed: "Does this mean-you-you're going to keep seeing me? If I promise never to take another pill. Will you-will you stay with me?"
Miriam: "That's the latest gossip."

WHAT?

Conclusion: This is one of the WORST books I have ever read in my entire life.

Next time: "The Overnight" Fear Island + unsupervised teenagers + a creepy stranger = the perfect storm.

The Rich Girl

Book Description:

Emma Naylor and her best friend Sydney Shue always share their secrets. And now they have a big one. They found a duffel bag stuffed with money. They swore never to tell anyone. But Sydney broke her promise. She told her boyfriend, Jason about the money. Now Emma is terrified. She doesn't trust Jason-and she thinks he would do anything to get the money for himself. Even kill...

My Description:

Emma and Sydney are gossiping while on the job at the concession stand in the Cineplex at the Division Street Mall. Cathy Harper and her on/off boyfriend Marty Griffin are on again. We'll probably never hear from these two again so who cares?

You would. Anyway, as Sydney refills the napkin dispensers, she thinks about how Emma hates her new boyfriend Jason Phillips. Naturally she invites Emma over to eat pizza with she and Jason after work. Emma declines because she's gonna talk to the manager after her shift to see if she can get MORE shifts. Why would a teenager want more work, you ask. Emma's mom hurt her knee when she was younger, it never healed properly, and now she needs an operation so Emma needs to make as much cash as possible. Does she think she'll be paying for the expensive surgery? Because she's gonna have to work a hell of a lot more than three nights a week. You may as well quit school now, Emma, and get a couple more jobs. Maybe you'll work yourself nearly to death, develop a deadly disease from the stress, and get cast as the frail heroine of a Lurlene McDaniel book. Yeah, you'll be dead within a month and won't be able to enjoy your new success, but at least your mom's rotten knee will be all better. Emma goes on to say that her mom is close to being fired (she works at Shadyside Diner) because she moves too slow. Her boss says she moves like a racehorse with a lame leg and if she doesn't get her knee fixed, he's going to put her down. I kid, I kid! (But he really does command her to do something about it.) In a bit of foreshadowing, Emma says "Plus, we don't have any insurance so we have to pay for the operation ourselves. And we can't unless I find a way to make more money!" Perhaps she'll find a giant sack of cash, hmm? Thanks for ruining the big surprise, Mr. Back Cover. We're through! You can keep the velvet paintings and the stuffed moose, but I get the house.

Um, anyway, we've now come to the part where Sydney and Emma are held up for comparison. Emma is blond (because the main character in a Fear Street novel must always ALWAYS! be blond. How dare you even consider anything else?!), short, has parents who are divorced, and lives in the Old Village (the shitty part of town). Sydney is a tall brunette whose parents have been married for 20 years and lives in a giant mansion in the North Hills (the ritzy part of town). Sydney thinks about the fact that she's working because her parents want her to learn responsibility and Emma works because she has to. "[Sydney] knew she could walk away from it without worrying about how to pay for food or clothes. Or operations." You're a good friend, Sydney. A friend who deserves to be in a box floating down the river. Sydney and Emma go into the alley behind the mall to take out the trash. Sydney's silver charm bracelet falls into the dumpster and since it's a family heirloom, she dives in after it. Unfortunately, she comes upon a smelly rat and completely loses her mind. The rat hops out, hisses at her, and runs away in disgust because it's home was invaded. Eventually Sydney finds the bracelet...and a bag filled with money. I love how nonchalant these two are. Like this happens every other day. I frigging wish. Sydney wants to take it to the police, but Emma lights up at the thought of all the things she could do with her half of the money. Sydney whines about how it's not theirs, but then she comes around because she's a poor little rich girl: "I do know what it's like to want things I can't have. My parents don't give me everything I want, you know." Oh? What about your car? "Yes. But I have to pay insurance on it. Mom and Dad don't want me to get spoiled and they keep me on a tight budget. There are plenty of things I'd like to buy with this money." Shut up, Sydney. She goes back to whining and a moment later about the police maybe finding out they have it (HOW?) so Emma compromises and says they'll keep the money for a while without spending it. If there's anything on the news about it, they'll turn it in. If not, they'll go on a spending binge. Neither one of them wants the filthy loot in their house so they decide to bury it under a willow tree in the Fear Street woods. They get there and Emma is excited, Sydney is nervous, and the raccoon that scared the hell out of them both is now scarred for life by Sydney's banshee shrieks of terror. What a warm and fuzzy moment.

When Sydney gets home, she sees her boyfriend Jason in the driveway under the hood of one of her dad's cars. He needed something to keep him occupied while he waited for Sydney and their "study" date. As soon as she gets out of the car, he goes ballistic: "You're hiding something. I can see it in your face. (She denies it) Yes, you are! What's your secret, Sydney? Another guy? Were you out seeing somebody else while I waited here like an idiot? (She denies it AGAIN) Then tell me the truth. Where were you? What were you doing?" When she doesn't answer, jason pouts and starts to walk off, but she catches him and decides to tell him about the money and where it's hidden. In the words of Michael Scott: you ignorant slut! Jason says it's too bad that Emma found it and the only way he and Sydney can split it is to kill Emma. Sydney is shocked but Jason just says he saw a movie once with that plot and he wasn't serious. "Is that what you think of me?" Uh, YES!

On Monday afternoon, Emma catches up with Sydney in the hall at school to report that there hasn't been any news about the money. Sydney isn't as enthused as Emma. In fact, she's been a total wreck all day. As the girls approach the stairs, a large group of people come up behind them. Everyone is trying to hurry down the stairs and Emma ends up getting shoved down them. Sydney tries to run down to her, but she gets shoved against the bannister by that man child Jason. He's staring at Emma with a smile on his face -- surely he just killed Emma and he can now cash in! Mwhahahaha!

Unfortunately for Jason (a.k.a. the devil's ugly stepson) Emma is alive. She didn't even break anything; she's just really sore and bruised. Sydney is at Emma's house after school. Sydney says Emma looks pretty good for someone who fell down a flight of stairs. Emma says she didn't fall, that she was pushed by Jason. She says he came up behind her , put his hands on his shoulders like he was joking (I really don't know what that means), and then he pushed her. Sydney freaks out and says that isn't true even though she was standing next to him immediately after Emma fell. He even pushed her against the rail! Quit being an idiot, Sydney. Emma asks if Sydney told Jason about the money and Sydney confesses everything. Emma says that's why he pushed her, but Sydney says Jason doesn't need money THAT badly. Emma then points out that Jason is a greedy asshole who constantly gets Sydney to buy him pricy things he can't afford himself. Sydney's parent don't "spoil" her so how can she afford to "spoil" him?

The next morning at school, Sydney confronts Jason and tells him what Emma said. Of course he denies it all and makes up some dumbass story about tripping and accidentally pushing her. Oh, and he wasn't smiling, that was just shock. Right. Jason says he'll try to make it up to Emma by fixing up her crappy car. Five bucks say he cuts the brake lines...

Later, Sydney gets a call from Emma who says her car is "actually purring like a kitten!" instead of rattling like an old garbage truck, all thanks to Jason. Emma says she still feels crappy, but a trip to the mall to window shop for all the things she's gonna buy with her money would make her feel so much better. Sydney agrees to go with her and Emma says she'll drive. A moment later, Jason calls and when Sydney says she's going to the mall with Emma, he starts acting suspiciously like someone who messed with someone else's car hoping to KILL them. Jason tells her to call Emma and cancel, but Sydney's mom just got home so she says bye and hangs up. A few minutes later, she drives to Emma's house and they leave in Emma's rat trap. As they're going down a hill, Emma steps on the brake, but it's not working. That Jason. So original. The car flies through an intersection, nearly side swiping several people on the way. Finally Sydney reaches over and pulls the emergency brake just before they crash into a minivan. Emma says Jason really is trying to kill her and once again Sydney defends him because abusive psychos are not capable of murder. HA. The girls get out of the car to take a look under the hood and immediately spot the cut brake lines. Emma repeats that Jason wants her dead and at first Sydney claims it isn't true. But she thinks about her earlier conversation with jason and how strange he was acting. She tells Emma how Jason tried to convince her not to go and Emma takes that as a sure sign he purposely cut the lines. Then she tells Sydney that after he finishes her off, he'll go after Sydney. "After he kills me, he'll decide he wants all the money for himself." And these two call themselves FRIENDS. Sydney says she'll talk to Jason (as if that will help) and they start looking for a pay phone to call a tow truck. While they wait for it to arrive, Sydney says maybe she should just turn Jason in to the police, but Emma brings up the fact that they have no evidence. True. Then Sydney says the stress over the money is just too much and they should turn it in to the cops. Emma nixes that idea because her mom is getting that damn operation no matter what and that convinces Syd to shut up. In Emma's opinion, the only way to deal with Jason is to give him a cut of the money. That way he'll be happy and no-one will have to die! Judging by the number of pages I have left (77) I predict this won't go smoothly. But really, what do they expect?

Later at Emma's house, Sydney calls Jason and tells him to comve over so they can talk. He arrives pretty quickly and Sydney immediately tells him about the brakes. He says they were fine when he tested them and sometimes they get brittle and just snap due to old age. Emma pulls Sydney aside and says she's not sure whether she believes him or not. OF COURSE Sydney automatically believed him the moment he opened his mouth. Then they offer him his share of the money: $33,000 (they figure there's roughly $100,000 in the bag. How they came to this conclusion by only looking in the bag one time and never counting ANYTHING I do not know.) Jason gets all excited and dances around the kitchen. "I'm too excited to stand still!" Do it anyway. Jason begs them to go look at it with him and they agree to...

It's already dark when they reach Fear Street Woods. Jason gets a shovel out of the trunk, perfect for burying lifeless teenage girls...or just digging up a bag o' cash. Halfway into the woods, Sydney runs back for her sweater. Suddenly she hears an ear-splitting scream and runs toward it. She finds Emma and Jason fighting over the shovel. Emma finally gets it and when Jason turns away to look at Sydney, Emma cracks him in the head with it. Jason falls face down in the mud and both girls run to him. He appears to be dead although neither of these geniuses bother checking for a pulse. Emma tells Sydney that Jason was going to take all the money and run and he tried to hit her with the shovel so he could get away. Sydney wants to call the police because they're MURDERERS! FUGITIVES! But Emma says she was the one who killed Jason so she'll take care of everything. "Taking care of it" consists of dragging him over to Fear Lake (which is apparently only a few feet away) and dumping him in like the toxic waste he is. But he refuses to sink (a middle finger from the beyond!) so Emma yells for Sydney to find something they can weigh him down with. Sydney is too nauseous to even move and says she can't help. Emma says she'll find a big rock and asks for Sydney's belt so she can tie it to Jason. "Take it. I'm sorry, Emma. Sorry I'm not helping. I feel so sick I can't think!" Emma says she'll be right back and runs off to find the rock. The moment she leaves, Sydney vomits everywhere. Finally it's over and as she's leaning against a tree trying to calm down, she hears voices. And this time they're not inside her head. Uh-oh. She panics, spots Emma coming, and asks if she heard voices. Emma heard nothing so they leave.

Sydney pulls up to Emma's house and tries to comfort Emma as she cries about what she did. Heavy (and for once I'm not being sarcastic). At home, Sydney takes a bath and goes to bed. She wakes at 3:30 AM to the sight of Jason's algae coated corpse standing at the foot of her bed. It's only a dream, but it intensifies her guilt.

The next morning as Sydney is getting dressed, she spots two muddy footprints on the carpet. Dun dun DUN! I'm getting a sinking feeling that instead of a zombie Jason we're gonna get living Jason who's in with Emma somehow which makes me SICK. Fear Street needs a zombie! Anyway, at school, Emma tells Sydney that it had to be a dream. She goes on to say that the footprints were probably Sydney's from their trip to the woods. Throughout the day, Sydney is repeatedly asked where Jason is. Instead of telling them that he is now fish food, she says he must be sick or something. To put a cherry on top of this reeking mess of a day, Sydney finds an envelope in her locker containing Jason's class ring. She nearly chokes on her own tongue and when Emma walks up a moment later, she shows her what she found. But Emma is armed with plenty of excuses, none of which seem too plausible. Emma manages to calm Sydney by saying "Come on. Let's get out of here. Today was the worst. It will get easier after this." Is she speaking from experience? Once they reach Sydney's car, they both freak out (how many times have I already used that phrase?) because the dirty, bloody shovel is in the back seat.


Emma swears she didn't put it there last night, that when she was finished cracking Jason's skull with it, she just threw it down. Then she claims that those people Sydney heard last night must have seen everything and now they're harrassing her! Let's assume these people (if there was anyone there at all. Emma is looking more suspicious by the minute) are somewhat intelligent. Why would they bother messing with this instead of going to the cops? If Sydney would just THINK for a five seconds instead of freaking out and listening to Emma's bullshit, she would realize that something ain't right here. Sydney puts the shovel in the trunk and she and Emma drive away. A few minutes later, she notices a blue car that appears to be following them. Paranoia or a true stalker? I think you know the answer to that. When Sydney and Emma get to Sydney's house, they go upstairs to her room where Sydney finds a note for her in a stack of mail. "I saw you in the woods. I know your name. It's Murderer." This is just getting pathetic. It's laughable! Sydney proceeds to FREAK for the millionth time today (a new record) and says she and Emma have to go back to Fear Lake to get her belt before someone finds it. I'm speechless. Really, she has reached new heights of stupidity. Emma agrees to the plan so they go to the lake. In a shocking twist (by shocking, I mean the total opposite) there is no body. Emma is certain they're in the exact spot where she dumped him. Back in the car, Emma says someone had to have moved him and Sydney just sits there shaking.

Sydney drops Emma off and goes home where she sneaks upstairs to prevent her parents from seeing their precious spawn covered in lake slime and guilt. After Sydney takes a shower, her mom comes upstairs to tell her that she and Dad are going out for a while. Once they leave, Sydney goes into her room where she finds a gift: her red belt and a piece of paper that says 'Murderer'. She recognizes the handwriting as Jason's, starts screaming, and calls Emma. Emma listens to Sydney's hysterical rambling and calmly says she received an identical note and she believes it's just someone from school, maybe a friend of Jason's. That doesn't make any fucking sense.

A few minutes later, Emma comes over and tells Sydney to show her the belt. They rush to her room and the belt and note are missing. Of course they are. Sydney trashes her room looking for them until Emma tells her to chill out because there's nothing there. Sydney decides to go downstairs to get a Coke...and spots Jason lurking right outside the sliding glass door. He's all moldy and gross and Sydney thinks she can smell rotting flesh. Her belt is tied around his leg for some reason I don't care to know. He creeps inside, whispers that she helped murder him, and starts choking her.

Later, Sydney is at the hospital...the mental hospital. Emma and Jason are nearby, overjoyed that their plan to drive Sydney crazy and get rid of her actually worked. Indeed it was all for the money. They both believed Sydney got more than enough from her rich parents and didn't need a cent more. To prevent her from telling anyone about it, they had to put her away. Now, if she mentions it, no-one will believe her because she's gone daffy.

Emma and Jason go on a little shopping spree. At least they attempt to. At the first store they go into, the cashier laughs when they hand him the money: "It took Emma a few seconds to see what the clerk was talking about. She was totally confused until she read the words across the top of the bill: United States of America. Then her eyes lowered to the engraved portrait of Benjamin Franklin. His eyes were crossed and he wore a backwards baseball cap over his wig. Emma grabbed the counter to keep herself from falling. Slowly she raised her gaze to the red-haired salesclerk. 'Did you bring any real money?' he asked." You idiots truly deserve it.

Conclusion? This book is filled with more holes than a slice of Swiss cheese. I've got plenty of questions: were Jason and Emma enemies in the beginning when he sliced her brake lines and shoved her down the stairs? Or was that part of their idiotic plan? Who in their right mind discovers a bag of money and doesn't even examine it to see if it's fake or not? How did they fake Jason's death? Sydney saw Emma hit him HARD so how they did they fake that? Why didn't Sydney think of calling Jason's parents? If she had, they would've TOLD HER HE WASN'T DEAD! Considering how long they had been together, I should think she would have been fairly close to his parents. Next to last question: how fucking stupid can three people be? Last question: how did this get published?

Next time: "What Holly Heard"

The Babysitter II

Book Description:

Jenny's last baby-sitting job nearly killed her-for real. But she's a survivor. She's getting over it. The crazy guy who was after her is gone. She's even got a new baby-sitting job. Then the phone rings. When she answers, she hears a familiar voice. A voice from the past...from the grave...Hi, Babes, I'm back.

My Description:

I just have to ask: why the hell does this book exist? Why are there FOUR of the Babysitter books? The killer got his head smashed open after falling off a cliff in the first book and I should think after all the shit he put Jenny through, she would never want to babysit again. Yet here we are. AGAIN. *sigh* Let's just get it over with...

We begin this useless tale of woe with Jenny recapping every event of the first book to her therapist Dr. Schindler whom Jenny finds extremely attractive. "Dr. Schindler doesn't really look like a shrink, Jenny thought, turning her gaze on him. For one thing, he is too handsome." Apparently it's a prerequisite for "shrinks" to be as ugly as homemade sin. Schindler is a curious fluke of some sort. Anyway, Jenny has been a complete wreck since Mr. Hagen (the psychopath who had been avenging his daughter's death by killing babysitters and who nearly killed Jenny by attempting to shove her over a cliff except she got out of the way just in time to watch him plunge over the cliff instead, spilling his demented brains all over the rocks.) died. She blames herself for his death and has been having nightmares in which a dirty, bloody, zombified Mr. Hagen comes back to kill her. OoOoOo! Dr. Schindler's response is to stop the session there and save her kooky dreams for next time. I hope she's not paying this guy much. Seriously, she could've gotten the same response from the wino on the corner for much less money. Before she leaves, she asks him if she should take a babysitting job she was recently offered by the Wexners for their son Eli. She actually mentioned this to Schindler at the beginning of the session, but the dumbass forgot about it which pisses Jenny off. She says it would only be a few nights a week and she really needs the money, but she's scared. Schindler tells her she has to move forward. Then he stares at the clock as if willing time to go faster so he can get the hell out of dodge. I think I hate this man.

On the way out of the office, Jenny stops by the receptionist's desk (her name is Miss Gurney. Yes, GURNEY.) to make another appointment since this one was such a success. Once outside, Jenny realizes its gotten dark. In a painfully predictable scene, she hears someone following her, starts running, and is stopped five seconds later by her "stalker" who turns out to be stupid Chuck. No introductions needed because I'm pretty sure we all remember this fool from the first book. It's now pouring rain, but Chucky Ducky wants to talk and make his stupid jokes. And just for fun: "He was wearing a faded Bart Simpson T-shirt over jean cutoffs. His white Nikes were mud stained and soaked." Sexy. The only thing that occurs more often than dead animals and dry kisses in these books are jean cutoffs. I once saw the cover of a romance novel that had a really sweaty, greasy looking dude sitting on a horse and all this guy was wearing was a pair of badly cut jean cutoffs and a red bandanna tied around his dainty neck. So everytime I see the words "jean cutoffs" all I can think of is that damned filthy Tonto. Now where the hell were we? Oh yeah, anyway, Jenny acts like a total bitch to Chuck, but he doesn't seem to get the message and keeps yapping away. Eventually Jenny walks away, Chuck follows her, and they have a little fight because Jenny has changed a lot since she was almost slaughtered and Chuck doesn't like it. Cry me a river, douchebag. Finally Jenny's bus comes and she leaves.

We now arrive at the pivotal moment: Jenny's arrival at the Wexner's home to babysit 10 year old Eli. I really don't understand why she didn't bother finding work elsewhere. She's not being forced to babysit; she acts like it's her calling or something. There are other jobs in this world! Anyway, Jenny follows Mr. Wexner around the house as he talks about Eli and such. She's relieved to see the house is cozy and nice, not at all like the Hagens' house which looked like something the Munsters would have lived in.


I actually really dig that house. I always wanted to be a part of the family...yes, I have a few problems in the brain frame. Anyway, Mr. Wexner says that Eli isn't like other 10 year olds and Jenny wonders just what he means by that. Of course he wanders off without explaining. A few moments later, Mrs. Wexner comes in and blabs about Eli being very emotional and so smart. HOW emotional? Will he cut off Jenny's ear if his Chef Boyardee isn't hot enough? Or does he just cry over Hallmark commercials? It might be a nice gesture to explain these things, you degenerates. After the parents leave, Jenny goes upstairs to see Eli. He's in his room typing at a computer that he himself built. Jenny says hi a couple of times before Eli finally decides to turn and say hello. See, Eli is a genius and thinks everyone else is below him. Bow down to the giant brain! Although it's hard to take someone who's wearing a "Turtle Power" T-shirt and tight spandex shorts very seriously. I know, I know--he's only 10. But he's got brains beyond his years so I don't feel TOO terrible about making fun of him. Plus, he doesn't exist. So there. Eli tells Jenny a little about himself: "I don't need a babysitter. I built this computer. From a kit. But I modified it. I put in a graphics card and extra memory. I really don't need a babysitter. You could go home right now and I'd be perfectly fine. I'm a mechanical genius, you see. At least that's what the testing people said. I took all these tests at this place downtown and they said I was a mechanical genius. Know what my IQ is? It's over 180. That's really high. And it'll probably go higher when I get older and know how to take tests better." 1) I find this hilarious for some reason. 2) What a little jerk! Jenny has an urge to lecture the kid about modesty, but before she can, he asks what her IQ is. She says she's never been tested to find out and Eli says "Why? Because you're too dumb?" and then laughs like a hyena. Then he shows Jenny a phone he made himself because his parents wouldn't buy him one for fear of spoiling him. *sigh* He says he doesn't have too many friends (that's surprising) because all the kids at school are stupid dweebs. Those peons are not fit to even lick his shoes! Eli says he wants to show Jenny his real friends. He takes out a shoe box and tells her to close her eyes and reach inside...

We find out what was in the box at Jenny's next session with the worthless Dr. Schindler: "It was a tarantula. Do you believe it? The kid put a tarantula in the box. He has three of them. They're his pets." Slap me sideways! He has TARANTULAS?!?! Seriously, what's the big deal? Well, Jenny IS terrified of spiders. Schindler responds to this by looking at the clock. Ass. Jenny goes on to say that Eli is a sick little creep who got way too much pleasure from her fear. He wasn't apologetic and got pissed when she scolded him, ignoring her for the rest of the night. His parents acted like it happened all the time and weren't worried about it. Schindler says "Eli sounds like an interesting kid. Maybe he'll be sitting on my couch soon." I am going to set this man on fire. Jenny stops by Miss Gurney's desk to pick up her bill. Gurney compliments Jenny's hair and then says "Dr. Gurney is a wonderful man. I-I mean Dr. Schindler. I was a patient of his, too." How comforting.

Jenny goes to the mall to meet up with her friends Claire and Rick at Pizza Oven. Because pizza is LIFE. Claire mentions that Chuck was looking for her which makes Jenny (and the rest of the free world) want to heave. Then they talk about Eli and soon Claire and Rick have to leave. Jenny decides to wander around the mall for a while. In the record store, she looks up from her browsing and sees some blond dude staring at her. Of course she freaks out and runs to the back of the store, finds herself trapped, and waits for the impending DOOM! "You dropped this." The guy hands Jenny her bill from Schindler's office. She's embarrassed for acting like a paranoid lunatic and thanks him. They striked up a conversation and Jenny learns that his name is Cal and he's new to town and will be starting at her high school in the fall. He says he would like to go out with her Friday night so he can corner her in a dark alley and cut off her limbs to repair his broken, legless mannequin. Nonono, I mean he just wants to party! Jenny says she babysits on Friday night, Cal asks about Saturday, and the page ends with Jenny NOT answering the question.

It's now Friday night and Jenny is at the Wexners. Mrs. Wexner tells Jenny that Eli is in a bad mood, but Mr. Wexner says Eli isn't some kind of monster and Mrs. W. needs to tone it down. Uh-oh. "Why do you always defend Eli? Why don't you defend me once in a while? That kid drove me crazy all day and you want to ignore it and pretend he's a perfect angel!" BURN. Finally they leave and Jenny goes up to check on Eli who is sitting in his room in the dark watching a horror movie. Some deranged loon chops up some chick with an ax and Eli laughs his ass off which disturbs Jenny. Eli tells her he had a bad day because his parents don't like his pets. Then he starts ignoring Jenny so she goes downstairs to read and think about her upcoming date with Cal. But she's interrupted by the ringing phone. "Hi, Babes. I'm back." AHHHHHH! The psycho hangs up and Jenny starts to slowly lose her mind. She hears something in the kitchen...it's Mr. Wexner. He forgot the tickets to whatever the hell it is. Jenny never mentions the phone call and Wexner leaves a moment later. Jen goes upstairs again and tells Eli it's his bedtime. He says he'd rather read for a while and picks up a Stephen King book. Jenny is shocked. Again. Because she's a spineless jellyfish who is scared of her own shadow and can't understand why anyone would watch horror movies or read anything Stephen King ever wrote. Shut up, Jenny. Eventually Eli falls asleep and the parents come home. They offer to drive Jenny home, but she refuses.

Outside, Jenny finds Chuck waiting. Does he not have a freaking life?! He starts whining about the fact that she never talks to him and she broke up with him for no reason (I can think of at least 10 reasons not to go out with this guy) and blah blah blah. She tries to walk away, but he goes berserk and throws her to the ground like a gorilla with a rag doll. He tells her she'll be sorry and walks off like nothing happened. Jenny makes her way home...where she receives a phone call. *sigh* HATE. But it's just Eli calling on his homemade telephone to see if it actually works. Jenny quickly ends the "conversation" (which consists of nothing but Eli giggling and saying "It's so awesome!" repeatedly) but a few moments later it rings again because Stine is nothing if not creative. It's Eli AGAIN: "Good night, Jenny." Giggle giggle giggle.

It's now Saturday night and Jenny and Cal are at some party (a.k.a. teenage orgy). Party outfits: Cal is wearing a Hawaiian shirt with black jeans and Jenny is rocking her green T-shirt over an orange sleeveless shirt and white shorts. Cal...no. Just no. Jenny isn't too impressed with the "party" which consists of nothing but horny teenagers making out and some dumb cave men trying to figure out how to get beer out of the keg in the kitchen. Really, Cal? THIS is the best you could do? Even Cal recognizes it sucks and he and Jenny leave a moment later. They get into Cal's abused Dodge Dart, he says he's embarrassed about the sucky party and he really wants to show Jenny a good time. She responds by telling him to pull over and they start making out. When they come up for air, Jenny suggests they go roller skating. Cal agrees even though he's never been. "I've had a tough life." Dude.

At the rink, Cal proves that he's a big fat liar whose pants are on fire--he can skate really well. What else is he lying about? Hmm? HMM? I'm watching you, Cal...or something. Finally Cal drives Jenny home. As they're kissing on the porch, Jenny hears rustling in the bushes. Suddenly someone steps out from behind them and runs off. Jenny and Cal couldn't see the person's face (it had to be that pathetic loser whom we all call Chuck) but they both assume it was a burglar and brush it off. During all that kissing they obviously sucked each other's brain cells out. Jenny goes upstairs to her room, reads for a while, and finally gets ready for bed. As she's drifting off, the phone rings. What else is new? Jenny assumes it's Eli... "It isn't Eli, Jenny. I'm back. Are you all alone, Babes? Company's coming." So. Annoying. Later, Jenny dreams that she's waiting for Cal in a dark deserted parking lot, but Mr. Hagen's ravaged corpse shows up instead. "A black bug crawled over his swollen tongue. He repeatedly licked his dry lips, but his tongue was dry and caked with dirt." Kiss me, lover.

At her next session with Dr. Schindler, Jenny tells him about the dream. He just sits there like a drooling fool, fiddling with his stupid CLOCK. Why is she still seeing this turd? The good "doctor" asks more about Cal and if Jenny suspects him of making the phone calls. She says no because there's no way Cal would know exactly what to say. The caller always repeats all the creepy shizz Mr. Hagen said. Jenny gets ticked off when Schindler suggests her imagination is playing tricks on her. Instead of listening to her argument, he simply says time is up. This jackhole needs a swift kick in the teeth. He prescribes her some sleeping pills and sends her on her way. As she's walking home, she finds a dead tarantula in her bag. Things are really looking up. Put on a happy face!

When Jenny gets home, she calls the Wexners to tell them about what she assumes is an evil trick on Eli's part, but no-one answers. She remembers she promised to meet Claire and Rick for some tennis so she grabs her racket and leaves. Outside, she runs into Cal and invites him along because he looks so sexy in his denim shirt and JEAN CUTOFFS. Jean cutoffs are the devil and only Nazis wear them. Spread the word. Anyway, Cal claims he's not good at tennis, but once again he's lying through his teeth because he rocks at tennis. Rick and Cal get into the game intensely. Eventually they tire themselves out and quit. Claire whispers to jenny that Rick has a major crush on her and was only showing off for her benefit. Jenny glances over and she and Rick share a Meaningful Glance.

At the Wexners, Jenny tells the Mrs. about the dead tarantula. She's shocked to hear it and calls Eli down. He says he would never kill one of his pets. Then he bursts into tears and runs to his room. Jenny keeps apologizing, but Mrs. Wexner tells her to leave him alone and when/if he comes out, be extra nice. After a while, Jenny goes upstairs and attempts to talk to Eli, but he completely freaks out: "Go away! Go away! Go away! I don't want to see you! I DON'T!" Then something heavy falls to the floor and there's silence. Jenny goes into the room and sees that he's trashed the place. She sees him lying in the middle of the floor with a puddle of blood beneath his head. Of course he isn't dead. No, that would be too good to be true. It's just a shitty joke. Stupid plastic blood. Jenny is pissed, Eli is happy, and they go downstairs to eat.

At 4:30 PM, the phone rings, but Eli tells her not to answer it because they're playing Monopoly and how dare someone interrupt him when he's about to buy Boardwalk?! Jenny answers anyway...unfortunately it's Chuck. Barf. Jenny screams at him to never call her again and slams down the phone. I really don't care about this whole Chuck thing. He's just a tired, played out red herring. And not even a good one. Later that evening, Jenny can't stop thinking about the weirdo and his creepy words. When she hears a knock at the door she nearly wets her pants, but it's just Rick and Claire. Eli comes downstairs and isn't happy to find them there, but quickly warms up to Claire for some reason who goes with him to check out the room of a "mechanical genius." Rick attempts to kiss Jenny while they're alone and gets all pissy when she says she's not into it. Does he really think his dry, crusty lips are going to do anything for her? A moment later, Jenny hears Eli shout "No, you can't! I said no!" and a loud thumping sound. Dear sweet Eli shoved Claire down the stairs and looks pretty pleased with himself.

Another visit with Dr. Schindler. No comment. Jenny talks about the incident (Claire is suprisingly unbroken) and Schindler is his usual useless and ineffective self. Later, at the Wexners, Mr. Wexner tells Jenny that Eli is really upset about what happened to Claire, but he gives no explanation for why Eli pushed her in the first place. Eli comes running in to give Jenny a kiss before running back upstairs. The kid deserves an Oscar. The parents leave a few minutes later and Jenny goes upstairs to see if Eli wants to play a game, but he's busy with his computer. Not long after, the weirdo calls with his usual message: "Hi, Babes. Are you all alone? Company's coming, Babes. Company's coming." WHEN? Riddle me that one, sir. Jenny slams the phone down and heads for Eli's room. She stands outside his door, horrified: "It was him! The whisperer. He was there-in Eli's room!" She bursts inside and finds only Eli talking on the homemade phone. He says he's calling people and saying "funny things". She asks if he called her a moment ago, but he's only been calling kids from school. Then he asks a strange question: "Jenny, tell me about your other babysitting job." The plot thickens! Sort of. Ok, not really.

That night, Jenny goes to the mall to wait for Cal to get off work (he has a job at Mulligan's, the ice cream shop). She waits in the parking lot and suddenly realizes that this is a LOT like the freaky dream she had a few nights ago. All this scene is missing is that hobgoblin Mr. Hagen. Suddenly Jenny hears footsteps and starts to run. Who's coming? A drooling moron from hell! Also known as Dr. Schindler. What the hell is he doing out here? Don't tell me he's the psycho. Grrr. Jenny says she's waiting for a friend and Cal shows up at that precise moment so they leave. I guess Schindler was just wandering aimlessly around. Nut. Cal and Jenny go to Wendy's. GASP! NO PIZZA?! They've angered the pepperoni gods. A Frosty won't protect you now, kids. Jenny talks about the phone calls and such and suddenly a lightbulb goes off in her tiny head: "It came to Jenny in a flash. She stopped in midsentence, her mouth dropped open, her dark eyes growing wide. She had solved the mystery." She wishes. She says she assumes it's Dr. Schindler because he's the only one who knows all the things Mr. Hagen said. Cal tries to convince her that Schindler couldn't possibly have a motive, but Jenny doesn't care and says she's going to set a trap for him to prove he's the creep. Is it over yet?

The next morning, Jenny goes to Schindler's office. She tells him that she thinks the best way to end her nightmares and incessant fears is to go back to the rock quarry where Mr. Hagen died. Tonight. Schindler simply wishes her luck because he's an inattentive fool.

That evening, Jenny's "shift" with Eli has just ended and she goes home to eat dinner with her mom. Afterward, Cal picks her up and they head for the quarry. Once there, they hide behind a rock and spot a car pulling up. Here it comes...the BIG reveal. Sadly, this is the most disappointing shit ever--it's Miss Gurney. Yes, the hoarse voiced, dowdy receptionist who is in love with Dr. Schindler and completely jealous of Jenny. As if Jenny (or anyone with half a brain) would want that steaming pile of dog doo. Seriously, is this REALLY how this is going to end? Anyway, Miss Gurney starts screaming about how Jenny gets all Dr. Schindler's attention (does he not have other patients?) and blah blah. She dives for Jenny in a feeble attempt to push her over the quarry (feeling any deja vu?) but Cal jumps in her way and he gets shoved instead. Lucky for him the quarry is filled with water so Cal is okay and crawls out. Jenny and Gurney wrestle, plunge into the water, and suddenly, out of the wild blue yonder, the police and Dr. Schindler show up. Cal helps Jenny out of water and Schindler tells her that Gurney has had violent episodes in the past so he predicted that's what she was up to tonight. Asshole. The police drag Gurney away and the books ends with Cal and Jenny kissing.

Conclusion? This book is piss. There's no reason for it to even exist! It's nothing but a shittier version of "The Babysitter". And if you're going to make your psycho a jealous woman, at least make the object of her insane, misdirected affection somewhat LIKEABLE. Not cool, Stine. Not. Cool.

Next time: "The Rich Girl" Money kills.

Seniors #7 - Fight, Team, Fight!

*NOTE* I'm back. *END NOTE*

Book Description:

Phoebe Yamura loves being a cheerleader. And her senior year at Shadyside High couldn't be more perfect! First she's voted captain of the squad. And now she's seeing Ty Sullivan. But if Phoebe is so perfect, why does somebody want her dead?

My Description:

Prologue

An angry random soul really hates Phoebe as evidenced by the very first line of the book: "I hate her." He/she hates Phoebe's perky attitude, her hair, her body, and the fact that she's a cheerleader. This person probably spends all their time cursing Phoebe's parents and pissing on the graves of her ancestors.

On to chapter one. Phoebe is under the bleachers meeting her huggle bunny Ty Sullivan. If you guys remember, I really HATE Ty. I can't even fully remember why, but he's on my shit list, baby. Anyway, Phoebe has to sneak around with Ty because even though she's a senior in high school, her parents won't let her date. Ty says she needs to convince them of how great he is (you ass!), but Phoebe says they wouldn't be interested. HA. Then she says someone is watching them and it's freaking her out. And this time it's not even the pot talking. Ty responds by kissing her because a dry, crusty, mealy mouthed kiss is sure to protect her from whatever is killing off Shadyside seniors. Ew. Finally they break apart, Ty heading back to football practice and Phoebe joining the cheerleaders.

The girls are indeed cheery, discussing the various deaths that have occurred over the recent months. Finally they start practice and I refuse to mention the stupid cheer. No, no, a million times NO! *sob* Unfortunately, the dumb cheer kills one of the girls. Actually, Jade and Dana failed to catch the girl (Samantha) and she crashes to the ground. Her body is so twisted the girls think she's dead, but she gets up without even a broken bone. Because bones are made of titanium. *sigh* The cheer coach, Ms. Bell, comes over to make sure Samantha is ok and once she realizes she is, she berates Jade for her low chemistry grade and says if she can't bring it up, she'll be on probation. Why is this more important than, uh, actually focusing on practice and making sure no one gets their skull cracked? You suck, Bell. Dare I say that I miss Ms. Green? Eventually Ms. Bell shuts her yap and the girls do stretching exercises. Phoebe is sitting next to Jade and offers to help her with chemistry, but Jade just acts all bitchy and Dana joins in, saying Phoebe is the one who needs help...at being a better cheer captain. "You're FAILING!" How clever, Dana. You have the mental capacity of a dead goldfish. Congratulations.

After practice, Phoebe is in the locker room when she's approached by a new girl named Gina Quinlan who wants to try out for the squad. Phoebe says no way because tryouts were months ago, but Gina begs and pleads and shows off her moves until Phoebe agrees to ask Ms. Bell about it. Gina leaves and a moment later, Phoebe overhears Jade and Dana complaining about her. "Queen Phoebe thinks she knows everything. Ordering us around. Who does she think she is?" Dana knows: "Head cheerleader." Mensa, meet your new president. Phoebe doesn't understand why Jade hates her so much and decides to confront her. It's all pretty lackluster. Phoebe says "I heard what you said." and Jade says "So what?" Snore. Things go from cool to lukewarm when Phoebe opens her locker and finds her uniform shredded. There's also a note: "Give me an H-E-L-P" Phoebe is horrified, but does anyone find that as funny as I do? Phoebe automatically assumes it was Jade, but Jade just snaps "Prove it" and walks off. And since Phoebe can't prove anything, she sulks off to Ms. Bell's office to discuss Gina Quinlan. The team needs an alternate blah blah blah Gina gets a tryout. Hoo rah.

The next morning, Phoebe takes a chemistry test and simultaneously congratulates herself on SURELY getting an A while snickering at watching Jade struggle through it. Fast forward a few hours later to Gina's tryout. Phoebe and Ms. Bell watch as Gina does her routine which is predictably awesome. Ms. Bell tells Gina to wait in her office while she and Phoebe talk. Phoebe brings up Jade and the chem test and Ms. Bell informs her that Jade actually did really well. Ooo.

The next morning, the chemistry tests are handed back and Phoebe sees that she got a C minus . She also notices that the paper is all smudgy and the writing isn't even her's. She hears Jade squealing with joy over the fact that she got an A and Phoebe realizes what happened. After class, Phoebe confronts Jade, accusing her of switching the tests. Jade confesses because she's a bitch with nothing to lose. Phoebe turns back to talk to the chem teacher, but Samantha, Dana, and another girl from the squad named Joey stop her. They beg her not to say anything about what Jade did because the squad desperately needs her. OF COURSE Phoebe caves.

At lunch, Phoebe tells someone that she gets to retake the test and Jade's ass is saved for another day. Phoebe is still pissed because all the other girls took Jade's side. Shut up, Phoebe. It's your own damn fault! Samantha leaves a moment later and Dana decides to come over and rain on Phoebe's already sodden parade by dumping a rubber spider down the back of her shirt. Phoebe screams bloody murder, everyone laughs, and I'm left wondering why this is still funny if you're over the age of 12. Phoebe turns on Jade, but all Jade has to say is "Remember, Phoebe, I know how to get you. I know exactly how to get you." That's nice...

At cheer practice, Phoebe notices that Gina is acting less than enthusiastic, but she ignores it because all she can think about is the fact that everyone in the free world likes her except Jade and Dana. *sigh* Lady, get over it! I've got over 100 pages left and I'll be damned if I'm gonna spend them listening to you whine over and over again! Anyway, practice goes perfectly...so perfectly that Ms. Bell films it for private viewing on those cold lonely nights. Ew. After practice, Phoebe heads for the locker room where she's cornered by Gina who's just a wee bit angry: "How long am I supposed to put up with this? You said you would help me. You said I could be on the squad." Phoebe tries to speak, but Gina interrupts: "Look, you and I both know that I'm better than most of the other cheerleaders. Including you. You're no help at all." Gina storms off to cry and suck her thumb in the shower while Phoebe just stands there wondering what the hell just happened. A few minutes later, Gina opens her locker and a locket falls out, pops open, and lands near Phoebe. She says the picture of Gina inside is nice, but Gina quickly corrects her: "It's not me. It's my twin sister." There are two of you? That sounds awful. "She's dead." Oh, well, that's a relief. Phoebe goes over to her own locker and...something happens. "Fear closed around her as she stared inside. She fell back in horror. The sour odor made her gag. And the color... The color swirled before her eyes. Bright. Bold. Sickening. The ruby-red shade of blood." There's a doll dressed in a bloody cheerleading uniform hanging inside. There's also a note: "Score: Me 2. You 0." You've been served, Phoebe. AGAIN. Ms. Bell comes in and decides to get the vice principal. Phoebe sits in Bell's office and thinks about how sick Dana and Jade are to do something like this. Then she becomes all determined and shit that they will NOT get rid of her. She loves to cheer TOO MUCH! Great.

Football game. Shitty cheers. Phoebe keeping a close eye on Jade. Me keeping a closer eye on The Office. Phoebe goes to get her pom poms and as she's cheering, she feels a stinging pain in her hands. The pain intensifies until Phoebe completely freaks out, throwing her pom poms to the ground and screaming for help. "Her hands were covered with ants. Hundreds of swarming, shiny red ants. They traveled up her arms, moving as one. A colony of hungry insects." Even the insects in Shadyside are murderers. The other girls douse Phoebe with cold water which gets rid of the ants, but her hands are covered in bites. The team doctor coats them in some kind of cream and tells her she'll be ok. Thanks, doc. Gina, who just happens to be in charge of equipment (uh-oh), comes running up. Everyone is suspicious of her, but she denies she poured ants on the pom poms. Phoebe knows (she just KNOWS, dammit!) that Jade is behind it.

After the game (once again, Shadyside loses) Ty and Phoebe head to Pete's Pizza where everyone and their mother has gathered. Seriously, the place is like a sardine can. ALWAYS. It's just pizza. Unless it's covered in gold flecks or something, I don't get it. Anyway, they manage to find a table and Ty goes to order the food. Samantha comes over and says she and Phoebe should go talk to Dana and Jade and sort everything out. As they're walking over to the evil harpies, Samantha sees her ex-boyfriend, freaks out, and bails which leaves Phoebe to deal with Jade and Dana alone. It goes as predicted: Phoebe tells them to stop, they deny they did anything, Jade acts like an evil bitch, and Phoebe walks away nearly in tears. She finds Ty and begs him to take her home which is right on his way since they both live on Fear Street. Even though it's pitch black and Fear Street is a creepy, dangerous place, Ty drops her off blocks away so her parents won't see him. He could at least walk wih her. He could hide in the damn bushes or something, but no. Phoebe goes alone...and someone pops out and grabs her. It's Gina who looks like she's been toking the crack pipe. She just wants Phoebe to know that she had nothing to do with the ants (which probably means she had EVERYTHING to do with the ants). Once Phoebe says she doesn't blame her, Gina runs off into the darkness like a psycho. Later that night as Phoebe is trying to sleep, she gets a phone call. It's a bunch of girls cheering and then they hang up. How terrifying. Outside, Phoebe hears a car squeal away and thinks Dana and Jade must be stalking her. *sigh*

At cheer practice on Monday, Phoebe complains to Samantha about Jade yet again. When it's time to do the pyramid, Phoebe loses her grip and Dana falls which prompts her to tell Phoebe that she's the shittiest cheer captain who ever lived and she should quit now so the team won't lose the upcoming state competition. When Dana flips her ponytail in Phoebe's face, Phoebe completely loses it. She screams "Leave...me...alone!" and rips Dana's ponytail out of her head, blood gushing everywhere. Sadly, that was just a dream. No comment. Phoebe is doing nothing but staring at Dana so Dana has some words to snap her out of it: "Why are you staring at me like that? Are you a moron? Letting me fall, then gloating? This practice is over!" Dumbass. After Samantha politely suggests that maybe it WOULD be best for Phoebe to take a break from cheering for a while, Phoebe runs to the locker room in tears. Finally, when Ty's football practice is over, they leave, but instead of driving her home, he decides they'll go to the cemetery. Because when you're depressed there's no better place to be than knee deep in dead people. It's already dark and they get out of the car because Ty apparently wants to make out while leaning against a headstone. Phoebe keeps telling him she just wants to talk, but Ty keeps kissing her. Suddenly something flies out of the bushes right at them. It's not a rabid werewolf, it's just Kenny Klein. Unfortunately, Jade is with him and immediately starts harrassing Phoebe who gets her backpack out of Ty's car and starts walking home. And since Ty is a total tool, he just stays with Kenny and Jade. I really hate you, Ty. When Phoebe gets home, Ty finally jogs up and says he's sorry, but Phoebe's awesome mom basically tells him to get lost and shuts the door in his face. When Phoebe gets to her room, she sees muddy footprints on her floor and notices that a framed picture of the cheer squad is missing. She knows someone was here yet she says nothing to her mother because she thinks it's just another stupid prank from Jade and Dana. It's not Jade and Dana! That's too freaking obvious...it's probably Gina. She seems like she has a few screws loose.

Another football game, this time against Waynesbridge. Of course Phoebe's mind is a million miles away. Eventually everything starts going really well and Phoebe gets into it so you know something baaaaaad is going to happen. And when the flaming batons come out, Phoebe does indeed get scorched like a shrimp on the barbeque. Flames travel up her arm until she passes out. When Phoebe wakes up, she's in the hospital. Samantha is there and tells her that her hand was mildly burned, but overall she's ok. All Phoebe wants to know is how it happened. Samantha makes the mistake of saying that the rumor is that someone rigged the baton to burn which just gets Phoebe started again on Jade and Dana. YAWN. Jade and Dana are actually right outside the door and Phoebe tells Samantha to get them. When they enter, they actually seem *GASP* concerned. Phoebe's paranoid ass just accuses them of doing this to her which they deny because it's in the script. Jade and Dana tell her that GINA is responsible for equipment so if the finger should be pointed at anyone, it should be her.

The next morning at school, Phoebe gets a hero's welcome for nearly getting cremated. Gina runs up to make sure Phoebe doesn't blame her for the baton even though she's starting to look pretty damn suspicious and the fact that she's so adamant that Phoebe not blame her just makes her look even more guilty. Phoebe says everything is cool just to get rid of her. And the cycle continues.

That afternoon, Phoebe and Samantha hide out in Ms. Bell's office to call Oswego High, Gina's last school, to ask about Gina's cheer record. Turns out Gina was never a cheerleader there. The plot thickens! I wish. Ms. Bell walks in a moment later and the girls tell her the news. Ms. Bell isn't too impressed because the morons called the wrong school: "Gina attended Lake Oswego High-in Oregon. You had the wrong state." Oops. Ms. Bell mentions that there's been a lot of backstabbing going on lately and she wants to talk to everyone out on the bleachers. She makes her little speech and says maybe they won't go to the upcoming competition since everyone can't seem to find the time to stop acting like petulant children. After some arguing from the girls, Ms. Bell ends the talk by saying if there's one more incident, there will be no competition. HORRIFYING!

It's now Friday and the cheerleaders are off to the competition because they managed to restrain themselves and act like human beings for a week (it won't last. Once that competition is over, the carnage will begin. I hope.) Before the girls board the bus, Gina lets Phoebe know how pissed and betrayed she feels that she and Samantha checked up on her...or tried to. Then Ms. Bell tells everyone that Samantha has the flu so Gina will be taking her place. I'm sure this will turn out well. (Choking on the sarcasm?) Even better, Phoebe and Gina will be roomates at the motel they're staying in.

Once they arrive at the (Bates) motel, Gina asks Phoebe if they can be friends, but Phoebe says she just doesn't trust her. BURN. Probably literally...expect a burning bed, Phoebe. This chick is cuckoo. Eventually Phoebe changes her mind, though, because Gina seems so sincere and Phoebe has no spine. The girls changes into their uniforms and a moment later they hear a knock on the door. Since Gina is busy twirling like a sugarplum fairy ("I love the Shadyside colors!") Phoebe answers the door. It's Jade who is an hysterical mess: "It's Dana! I need your help. She's hurt really bad!" Jade explains that Dana fell into the empty (as in drained of water) pool. Phoebe and Gina follow her outside which is stupid because if Dana were truly hurt, why the hell would Jade run for those two instead of Ms. Bell? Once outside, Phoebe sees no sign of Dana. As she's looking around, someone comes up behind her, shoves a cloth into her mouth, and drags her away screaming. And it only took 100 pages!

Phoebe is shoved into a big dirty van and sees two men shoving Jade and Gina in after her. Huh. Dana is also passed out inside. Eventually she wakes up and wants to know what's going on, but no-one says anything. After a while, the van stops and some weirdo opens the door and says "Hello, girls. Welcome to Camp Kidnap." Idiot. The girls get out of the van and look around. They're in front of a log cabin which appears to be in the middle of scenic nowhere. The dude who welcomes them to "Camp Kidnap" (his name is Mitch and his head is shaved and he has his ear pierced so you know he's a real tough badass) throws handcuffs on them and shows them a switchblade just in case they misbehave. When Mitch is distracted, the girls take off running toward the road and miraculously are saved by Griffin, the dude who drives the cheer van to take them to games and such and has been completely insignificant up until now. She realizes he's the one that has been harrassing her when he starts singing the stupid cheer that Phoebe heard over the phone a few days ago: "Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get you! Oh, yeah, I'm gonna catch you!" Didn't see that one coming. As Griffin drives, Dana and Jade confess that they hired Mitch and the whole kidnapping thing was just a joke. HA HA HA! Not.

Eventually Griffin tells them to shut their yaps so he can explain his convoluted motive. He has a vendetta against the cheerleaders of Shadyside because his sister Laura was once one of them. But all the other cheerleaders made life a living hell for Laura. It all ended when Laura died after jumping from the top of a pyramid (or something) and no-one caught her. She broke her neck and Griffin vowed revenge from that moment on. He stops the van and the girls see that they're at a loading dock which is totally deserted so no-one will hear them scream. Good thinking, Griff. He takes them to an empty "meat factory" and ties them to some chairs. He then picks up "an electric saw with a mammoth blade" and approaches Phoebe. "This will only take a minute!" Phoebe closes her eyes and prepares to lose a hand or two, but Griffin just cuts off everyone's handcuffs which really sucks. When is someone gonna get CUT?! When someone gonna bite the dust? Throw me a frigging bone, Griffin. After all, you're supposed to be a deranged lunatic driven crazy by his sister's untimely death at the hands of irresponsible cheerleaders who were probably thinking of dry kisses and Gary Brandt's back seat instead of focusing on your sister and you're supposed to be burning with the feverish desire for revenge and you're not even really acting on it! Stop messing around and show me some blood!!! Ok, I'm calm now...mostly. Anyway, Griffin just continues with the yakkity yak yak instead of doing anything productive. He tells Phoebe he's basically been stalking her, knows everything about her, and wants to kill her because she has the life his sister should have had. Yeah right. A shitty boyfriend, shitty friends, overprotective parents, and a psychotic stalker? I think you would want better for your sister, dude. Griffin continues to prove he sucks by untying all the girls so they can perform a cheer for him. Dude. I'm beginning to think the Laura story was a lie and Griffin is just some fetishistic pervert. He tells them if they screw up, someone dies. Liar. Jade is completely hysterical and wants to bail, but Griffin says it's time to perform. Why don't these idiots just RUN? He doesn't even have a weapon! Anyway, Gina interrupts and starts talking about her twin sister Angie who also died. She distracts Griffin momentarily, but it doesn't last and two seconds later, he's screaming and waving around a rusty meat hook. The poster boy for sanity tells the girls it's show time and they start cheering. Phoebe does a cartwheel, stops near Griffin, and beats him over the head with a flashlight that was lying on his lap. Cha-ching! The girls run, but they don't make it out. Gina ends up on a conveyor belt heading for a meat grinder, but of course Phoebe rescues her before she's grinded into hamburger. Then they go searching for Jade and Dana. They find Dana and dumbass Griffin, but no Jade. Griffin takes Phoebe, Dana, and Gina back into the warehouse to tie them up AGAIN. Everyone just assumes Griffin killed Jade.

A little while later, Griffin says "Time for another cheer!" *sigh* Seriously? WHY? Phoebe says they already did what he wanted, but Griffin isn't satisfied: "But the last one wasn't perfect. That means you still owe me a cheer. Otherwise I'll have to kill you. What'll it be?" Actually, why don't you just go ahead and kill me? This book has made me sick of life. They cheer, Gina collapses with a twisted ankle, and Phoebe makes a run for it. She finds herself inside a meat locker where she discovers something rather nasty: "The dim light cast shadows over Jade's stony face. Hanging from a meat hook, her body swung like a pendulum. Very cold. Very dead." How descriptive. Thank you for telling us she's "very dead", Stine. We never could have figured that out alone. I hope you can see my eyes rolling because I'm doing it as hard as I can.

When Phoebe gets back to the girls, she finds Dana tied to a table, Griffin sharpening a knife nearby, and Gina lying uselessly on the floor. As Phoebe distracts Griffin, Gina manages to get to her feet, tackle Griffin, and claw at his face like a feral liger. He throws her off, she cuts her head on the concrete floor, and a moment later, a fire truck comes barreling up because Phoebe lit a match a little earlier and waved in front of the silent fire alarm in a throwaway scene that I thought would amount to nothing. So I guess these fuckers are finally safe. Totally anticlimactic.

A few weeks later, things are back to normal because this stuff happens all the time. The books ends with a cheer (and my comments):

We can't be beat (You can)
Won't meet defeat (You will)
'Cause when it's time (It's not)
to face the heat...(You can't)
We know just what's the thing to do (You don't)
Teamwork! Teamwork! (Out! Out!)
Gets us through! (Get out of my life!)

Conclusion? Uh, this book sucks.

Next time: "The Babysitter II" Apparently Jenny didn't get enough the first time...