Is the senior class doomed to die? Josie Maxwell's sure of it. Trisha Conrad had a vision. A vision of the whole Shadyside High senior class lying in coffins! And Josie's afraid she's done something to begin the horror. But her stepbrother, Josh, doesn't believe it. Senior year's going to be the best time of his life. But what if Trisha's prediction is true? Will the seniors die one by one until there's nobody left to graduate?
It's the last day of junior year and Josh Maxwell is pumped. The bell rings and everyone goes crazy, even the teacher who practically stomps the kids to death on her way out the door. Josh and his friend, Mickey, slosh Matty Winger with a water balloon for no reason other than they're assholes and they can. Then they make fun of him because he's going to fat camp over the summer. Nice one, guys. They finally get lost when Josh remembers he has to meet Debra Lake at the tennis courts. When he reaches the courts, he sees Debra talking to Clark Dickson. Clark's nickname is Count Clarkula because he always wears black, slicks his hair back, and reminds everyone of a geekier version of Bela Lugosi.
Clark leans in toward Debra and Josh sees this as his cue to intervene. Debra tells him that Clarkula was just helping her get something out of her eye, but Josh is still suspicious. Clark takes off a few minutes later after some painfully awkward conversation and Josh mentally scolds himself for even thinking that Debra could be interested in such a geek. They play for a few minutes until Debra says she doesn't feel like it. Before Josh can ask what the problem is (it's you, Josh. The problem is YOU.) his stepsister, Josie, comes running up. She's freaking out because she got a D in trig. She makes wild threats to clip her teacher's head off with his own nail clippers and runs off. Ok then. That wasn't totally pointless or anything. Debra and Josh get a little flirty, but they're interrupted by Trisha Conrad. Trisha calls out to them and then sinks to her knees. They run over to see what the hell is happening, but she's ok. It was just another one of her psychic visions. Everyone considers Trisha's visions to be a total joke (her last one was of Godzilla stepping on the school) but she's serious this time: "I do believe that our class is cursed. That terrible things are going to happen. That...that we're not all going to survive our senior year." Since this is Fear Street we're talking about, I'm surprised any of you even made it to 12th grade without getting killed/mutilated/psychologically scarred for life along the way. Once Trisha calms down, conversation turns to her party. Her parents will be in Japan for a few weeks so Trisha is throwing a huge party. Unfortunately, she's so freaked out about one of those stupid visions that she's thinking of cancelling the party because she "doesn't want anyone to die". But Josh and Debra convince Trisha to go through with it because they really don't care if anyone dies--they just wanna have fun!
After dropping Debra off at her house, Josh heads to Mickey's place. *sigh* I really hate these two, I must admit. Josh is disappointed to find Matty there, too. Matty is desperate to be friends with these creeps for some reason and although they think he's a total nerd, they tolerate him. Josh is all mopey and tells the guys about Debra and Clark. He says that she acts weird and she's all pale and has no energy. The guys tell him that Clark really IS a vampire and he's obviously gotten to Debra. Mickey pretends to bite Josh on the neck which pisses Josh off so he storms out and drives home. The phone is ringing when he gets in. Who's calling? Just a friendly anonymous caller who wants Josh's blood: "Debra is mine. If you try to stop me, I'll drain you. I'll drain you, Josh."
While Josh is tied up with his anonymous vampire, Josie is still at school preparing to talk to her trig teacher, Mr. Torkelson, about her D. She runs into Clarissa Turner who runs out of Torkelson's room screaming "He's a jerk!" She refuses to explain to Josie what happens so Josie just heads on in. Torkelson is a sexy piece of work: "He was a stocky, middle-aged man. He always dressed casually is baggy, wrinkled khakis and large, plaid sport shirts that pulled tight at his big belly. He had a graying flat-top haircut over a big, square head." I prefer triangular heads, but whatever. Torkelson says he was surprised that she got such a bad grade because she was usually such a good student. Then he dares to compare her to Josh who is an excellent math student. Josie imagines smashing Torkelson's head with a vase on his desk because she's a psychotic fruit loop, but instead she turns and runs out of the room. What the hell is her problem? Yes, a D sucks, but at least she passed. Torkelson doesn't deserve to have his big square head bashed in when he was only doing his job. Josie runs into Jennifer Fear and Dierdre Palmer. She tells them that she had a vision of smashing Torkelson's skull and they just laugh and tell her she would be a hero if she did it. You people are insane. Truly. Josie goes on to say that her life is ruined. Because of a stupid D. If that's all you have to worry about, Josie, I should think you would consider yourself lucky--some people have REAL problems. Dierdre tells Josie to come with them to Jennifer's house. The girls tease Jennifer about being a Fear, saying that she can cast a spell on Torkelson. Blah blah blah. The only Fear I care about is Robin.
At Jennifer's house, Dierdre and Josie sit in Jen's room waiting for her to come back with their Diet Cokes. They get bored and decide to explore the creepy old house (OF COURSE it's creepy and delapidated! Those crazy Fears!) and stumble upon a big black door. Jennifer comes back then and freaks out because Dierdre just pushed open the door. I don't know what she's so worried about--it's just a library. Maybe that's where she keeps her porn stash. Anyway, the girls find all sorts of books on witchcraft. Jennifer demands that they get the hell out of the room. While she and Dierdre argue, Josie grabs a book and finds a spell called 'DOOM SPELL'. Dierdre comes over and says they should try it on Torkelson. *sigh* Will you people leave this man alone? Don't you think he has enough problems what with his square head and all? Jennifer is growing more and more pissed off, but the other two don't listen. They find a box of black candles (the cliches are endless) and set them in a circle for the spell. As they begin casting the spell, strange things happen. The room gets very cold and a breeze blows the candles out. The girls sit quietly as thudding footsteps get closer and closer...who could it be? It's...Jennifer's mom! OH NOOOOO SWEET BABY JESUS! I'm disappointed. Dierdre screams her head off because she, like me, was expecting a ghost or something. Mrs. Fear asks if the girls would like to stay for spaghetti, but they decide it's time to leave. Everyone steps out of the room...everyone except Josie who decides she's going to finish the spell and get her revenge on old square head once and for all. She closes her eyes, finishes the spell, and when she looks up, a menacing figure in a red cloak is hovering over her. The figure slips the hood back and Josie gets a good look at what's hiding beneath the cloak--a nasty rotted skeleton crawling with snakes that really wants to choke the life out of her. The thing giggles (yes, it fucking GIGGLES) as Josie struggles to get away. Suddenly she hears someone calling her name. She opens her eyes and sees Jennifer instead of a freaky giggling skeleton monster. Josie isn't sure if she was hallucinating or if it was all real, but she's certain that she's started something horrible.
It's Friday night and Josh, Josie, and Mickey are headed to the mall. Yawn. They spot Marla Newman in the parking lot. Just for the record, Marla is a total bitch. She insults Mickey and makes fun of Josie's clothes. She also brings up that stupid trig grade of Josie's. How the hell do these people know these things? And why do they care?! They finally get away from Marla and head inside the mall. Mickey heads toward a record store and Josie goes off to fill out some applications. Josh starts to go inside the record store behind Mickey, but stops when he spots Debra and Clarkula inside. Oh here we go again. And they're *gasp* looking at CDs together! Shock! Horror! Scandal! Memo to Josh: get a freaking life. Josh walks up to them and Debra gets all blushy and weird. Josh cuts to the chase and asks Clark if he called him the other day. Clark says no way, but Josh doesn't believe it. Clark is uncomfortable with Josh's death stare and ends up walking off. Josh fixes his "wrath" on Debra and asks her what's going on between she and the Count. She claims that she feels drawn to him/sorry for him, but Josh ignores this and chooses instead to focus on the tiny red bump on her neck. She says that it's a mosquito bite, he proclaims that he doesn't want her to talk to him anymore, and she gets pissed. It's all very overwrought and teenage angst-y which reminds me why I kinda love these books even as I curse them. Debra storms off and Josh leaves the store and searches for Mickey for about five seconds before deciding that the poor schmuck can find a ride home with someone else. Wow. On the way home, Josh can think of nothing but Clark and how weird he is. Ok, just because someone dresses entirely in black, writes/reads poetry, and creates bitchin' moonscapes using only black and gray paint does NOT mean they are of the vampire variety. At home, Josh receives another creepy call. This time, the little nut has this to say (in a raspy voice, no less): "I'm so thirsty, Josh. So thirsty... Debra is mine now. She's mine. Not yours. I'm so thirsty...so thirsty. I'm coming, Josh. I'm coming NOW." If someone called me up and said that, I'd probably crap my pants on the spot. But Josh plays it cool because he believes it's nothing but a stupid joke...until he looks out the window a few minutes later and spots Count Clarkula on the porch.
So we don't get to find out what happened with Josh and Clark? Curses, Stine!! Curses, I say!! It is now Saturday morning and Josie wakes up feeling like shit because she has no life and no job and no prospects on the immediate horizon. I feel that, lady. *sob* After Josie showers and eats breakfast, Clarissa calls. She wants Josie to meet her at school to help her carry home a huge sculpture she made in art class. The janitor will be there to let them in or something. Oh check this out--Josie asks Josh what Clarkula was doing at their house and Josh says "Returning a sleeping bag he borrowed." You've gotta be joking! Is Clark a frigging vampire or not, Stine? Stop torturing me! Stop dangling these creepy phone calls and late night visits in my face! Stop mocking me! Why am I bothering with this again? We go through this in every book and I never get anywhere. I'm gonna divorce you, Stine. I swear, I'll leave you high and dry! *sigh* Moving on. Josie heads to the school and spots Torkelson's car speeding in the parking lot. She watches in horror as his car skids out of control, bounces off the parking lot wall, and skids into the street where it's promptly hit by a red moving van. Josie runs over to the wreckage and sees that Torkelson is missing a hand. Blood is gushing like a fountain. She spots the hand lying in the street and as she stares at it, the damn thing starts CRAWLING TOWARD HER. Yes, you read that correctly. Josie freaks out because she knows this is a result of the almighty Doom Spell. The next hour is a total blur as police and an ambulance arrive on the scene. Alas, poor Torkelson didn't make it. We'll all miss his big square head. They don't make 'em like that anymore. Josie makes her way home in a daze and tells Josh what happened (including the night she cast the spell). The insensitive bastard just laughs and asks her if she could cast a spell on Clark. Grrr. Josie runs to Jennifer's house where she finds Jen and Dierdre waiting for her. She blurts out that she killed Torkelson with the Doom Spell and now she'll have to kill her bastard brother because he knows too much. Sorry...I must have dreamed that. Josie flips out whilst the girls try to reassure her that it wasn't her fault, but Josie isn't having it. Back at home, Josie calls Marla because apparently not only did she cast the spell on Torkelson, she also cast it upon Marla. Uh-oh. Marla acts like a total bitch and ends up hanging up on Josie before Josie can even get a word of warning out. She deserves whatever she gets!
That night, Josh is at the movie theater waiting for Debra who is over 20 minutes late for her date. Tee hee. He finally leaves and drives by Debra's house on his way home like a freaky stalker. When he sees that her car isn't in the driveway and the house is totally dark, he gets his suspicions on yet AGAIN and drives to Clarkula's house where--surprise surprise--Debra's car is parked. Instead of ringing the doorbell like a normal person, he creeps around the house and peers into the windows until he spies Debra and Clark making out on a couch. Josh is so shook up, he stumbles over a clump of dead flowers (don't ask; I sure didn't) and falls on his ass. It just gets better and better! Josh runs back to his car and crouches low in the seat as Debra and Clark step outside and get into Deb's car. They drive off and Josh heads to Mickey's house even though Mickey does nothing but smoke the dope and play video games so he won't be much help. Josh explains to both Mickey and Matty (who is apparently homeless--he never leaves!) what happened and these boneheads decide that they'll go back to Clark's house and break in to search the place for hard evidence that Clarkula is indeed a vampire and wants to make Debra one, too. This should be good. They manage to get into the house through a window and once inside, they have no clue what to do. They eventually fumble into a room that appears to be Clark's bedroom. Draped across the bed is a black silky cape. AND the bookshelf is full of books about vampires. AND there are clumps of dirt everywhere including a giant pile in Clarkula's bed. Ooooooo! Before the boys can look any further, they hear a door opening and someone coming up the stairs. Suspense! The guys decide to make a quick exit out the window even though they're on the second floor. Not the sharpest tools in the shed, are they? They step out onto the roof...somehow? And manage to swing themselves onto a tree branch and down to the ground. They run back to the car and Mickey and Matty are totally pumped; they're certain Clark is a vampire. Josh agrees, but he isn't as excited. He's sure that Clark knows they were in his room and now he's going to hunt them all down one by one. Josh drops Matty and Mickey off and then heads home. Of course as soon as he walks in the door, the phone rings. *cue spooky music* Fortunately for Josh, it's just Trisha. She's just calling to confirm that he can come to the big party that is still on in spite of Trisha's morbid visions. They hang up a few minutes later and then Debra calls. She's totally pissed--she saw him spying outside Clark's house. Ouch. Josh spits and sputters for a moment before making the mistake of blurting "Clark! He's a vampire!" This only serves to further piss Debra off and Josh ends up hanging up on her. Like five seconds after hanging up, the phone rings again. Josh assumes it's Debra, but...: "Did you like my cape, Josh? Will you like it when it's wrapped around your throat and I'm drinking you dry?" Chills.
It's now next Friday and Josie has a job interview for a position as summer intern at a law office. I thought Josie desperately needed money...do interns even get paid? I thought internships were only for experience? I don't really know and I live under a rock furthermore. Anyway! Josie goes into her interviewer's office, but it's empty. Something is, however, lurking behind the curtains. It's the return of the giggling red-cloaked skeleton from hell! It slips out from behind the curtain and makes it's way toward Josie, giggling all the way. It manages to rip her blouse open (pervert) and that's all she can take. She runs out of the office and across the street without any idea of where she's going. She ends up running all the way to Fear Street, to Jennifer's house. Jen isn't home, but her mother lets Josie in and asks her what the problem is. Josie says she needs to get into the library and look at the spell books, but Mrs. Fear won't allow her to so Josie leaves.
It's now the night of Trisha's fateful party. Josh has just arrived and he can't help wondering where The Great Clarkula and Debra are. Before he goes inside, he spots Mickey and a red-haired girl fighting. She shoves him against the house and he shoves her back hard. Josh starts to go over and see what the problem is, but Phoebe Yamura steps in his path. They make some pointless small talk and finally Josh breaks away. I suppose he's completely forgotten about Mickey and the red stranger because he walks over to a table to get a Coke instead of worrying about the fight. After a few minutes, the red-haired girl approaches him with a smile on her face. The smile quickly fades, though, as she says "You're not on my good list." and gives him a shove. Awesome. Unfortunately for me, she's just joking around. She saw him watching she and Mickey and she just wants him to know that she doesn't remember what they were fighting about. Uh, ok? Her name is Saralynn (Josh can't believe it--"Two names in one?" These two idiots are made for each other.) and she's a cheerleader from Waynesbridge. As Saralynn blabbers on and on about absofuckinglutely nothing, Josh spots Debra and Clark over by the garage. He decides he'll try to make Debra jealous by having a good time with Saralynn. He goes to get another Coke and when he comes back, Saralynn is gone. He doesn't have time to worry about that, though, because a thunderstorm has just broken out and he has to make a run for the house.
Inside the house, Trisha informs everyone that she has a game planned. Oh no no no. And it's a MURDER game. This won't be good. The game sounds pretty crappy anyway. Everyone takes a white index card with a word written on it (victim, suspect, investigator, etc.) and whatever their card says, that's their position in the game. Just as everyone is getting kinda worked up over this crap, a big boom of thunder sounds and Mickey comes running through the doors. He's soaking wet and has blood flowing down his face. He claims that he bumped into something, but everyone sees the deep scratches. Maybe Saralynn (who is conveniently missing) is a werecat. Trisha doesn't really give a crap about Mickey...she just wants to get on with the game. Marla is the victim and Trisha directs her and everyone who has a suspect card to go to the dining room. That group has to come up with a murder for everyone else to solve. This is incredibly lame and everyone except Trisha seems to think so, too. A few minutes pass and suddenly Josie starts screaming for help from the dining room. Everyone runs inside and finds Marla lying motionless on the floor. She's D-E-A-D. For real. No joke this time. An actual death in a book that keeps toying with death (and my emotions). Trisha immediately flips out saying "Noooo! My vision! It can't be! This is just what I saw. A girl...one of us...lying dead on the floor. This is what I saw! I knew I shouldn't have had this party! I knew it!" Just what the hell happened to Marla? Mickey says that they all left the dining room for a moment for some reason and when they came back in, Marla was just...dead. Josie starts sobbing and says she killed her with the Doom Spell. What a mess. Josh walks over to the phone to call 911, but it's predictably dead. Trisha runs to find her cell phone and while she's gone, Mickey tells Josh that they gotta get the hell out of this house because SOMEONE or SOMETHING killed Marla and they could be next.
The entire group ends up running outside with the intention of getting to a neighbor's house. Unfortunately, someone has padlocked the gate so they're trapped. Trapped with a killer! Inside a spooky mansion! During a thunderstorm! I really meant it earlier when I said the cliches abound. They all crowd into the library and Josh notices that Clarkula is missing. Oh good. Then they all realize that Marla's body is also missing which just upsets everyone even more. People turn accusatory eyes on Mickey when they see that he isn't soaked, meaning he didn't run outside to the gate with the rest of them. Trisha accuses Mickey or killing Marla and then removing her body. You people are losing it. Mickey is probably stoned out of his mind--I doubt he even knows Marla is dead! Trisha is distracted by a smear of blood on the closet door. She yanks it open and out tumbles a corpse...SARALYNN'S corpse. I think it's time to enlist Scooby and the gang, kids. Suddenly Mickey freaks out and says he DID kill both of the girls. He runs around in circles like a rabid retarded dog for a moment before bursting into laughter. The little bastard was joking and Saralynn and Marla were in on it! They're alive! My feeble mind can't take much more of these lies. I am but a mere mortal, after all. These foolish games are tearing me apart, Stine. Really! Of course everyone is totally pissed off and shocked. Trisha was also in on it. In fact, she was the one who got the guard to keep the gate locked. Oh you people sicken me. Clark chooses this moment to make his appearance at the top of the stairs. He floats down the stairs and once at the bottom, bares his fangs. It's...a...joke. I have officially gone cuckoo nutso. It's true. I know, I know, I ALWAYS do this! But this time, I think my mind is broken beyond repair.
Josie is finally calming down when the red-cloaked giggler makes an appearance. Everyone assumes that this is another joke. Gary Fresno grabs the thing and starts twirling it around. The fun ends when the cloak's hood falls back and everyone sees the rotted skull. It lifts Gary off the floor and throws him against the wall where his head makes a nasty splattering sound. Holy. Shit. Trisha makes the mistake of telling the thing to get the hell out of her house. It responds by first ripping off her ear and then her scalp. Yes, the thing just SCALPED her. It proceeds to ram it's fist through Marla's chest causing her heart to fall onto the floor. It gleefully makes its way to Phoebe and twists her head off. "Phoebe remained standing for a moment, blood gushing like a fountain from her open neck." I am speechless. The thing smashes Dierdre's and Jennifer's heads together so hard that their eyeballs pop out. It rips Josh's arms off before finally turning its attention to Josie. It tells her that she summoned it and she just can't take anymore. She runs from the house and dives into Josh's car which conveniently has the keys still in the ignition. She speeds to Fear Street and pulls up to Jennifer's house. She prays that no-one will be home so that she can be alone in the library and find a spell that will undo all the damage. Jen's mom is home and Josie tells her that she just came to pick up some CDs for Jennifer. Mrs. Fear lets her in and Josie rushes straight to the library. She finds the book she used to cast the Doom Spell and finds another spell called the Time Spell. If it actually works, it will allow Josie to turn back time. She tries it and it works!
Josie is magically back at Trisha's house; it's one hour earlier. Everyone is alive and well. Josie wastes time wondering around staring at everyone in happiness and before she knows it, the hour is almost up. She gazes at the doors where the skeleton entered the first time and sees that it's just outside the door. Do something!!! For some reason, the thing backs away and leaves on it's own. Josie is relieved that everyone is safe and runs around hugging everyone. Meanwhile, Josh is standing nearby watching. He takes a step forward and feels something crunch under his shoe. He bends down and picks up a package with a set of plastic fangs inside. Trisha tells him that those are Clark's and he forgot to put them in earlier which means...? The End!
Conclusion? A crawling hand. A bloody massacre. A red-cloaked giggling skeleton. Creepy telephone calls from a vampire. What's NOT to love?!
Next time: "Best Friend 2" Oh my my, oh hell yes!