Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Cat


Book Description
:

Marty never liked the cat--it always got in his way at basketball practice. But he never meant to kill it. Now Marty thinks he's going crazy. He sees cats wherever he goes. He has nightmares about them. He knows they want revenge. Too bad Marty doesn't have nine lives. Because his first one is almost over.

My Description:

*I have to say that this book pissed me off so very much. I can't even explain how much. So to ease the pain that this book inflicted upon my hapless, animal-loving soul, I'm inserting random cute kitty pictures. This blog is so hardcore.*

Prologue

Marty hates cats. He's allergic--"Put me in a room with a cat and I'll start to cough and sneeze. And my face will puff up like a marshmallow." He hates the way they walk--"Why do they have to slink around so silently? As if they have some kind of guilty secret." He doesn't like the looks they give him--"They're too evil looking. Why do they have stare like that?" You get the picture. Marty's father is always telling him to chill out and Marty knows he should, but he can't help but lose it sometimes. Like the time he killed that stupid cat... *segue to chapter one*

It's Tuesday afternoon and Marty is at basketball practice having his head torn off by the coach: "Marty! What's your problem today? You and the other two stooges get off my court! See if you can figure out where your passing game went!" Meow! (Yeah, I said it.) Marty and his two friends, Dwayne Clark and Barry Allen, get off the court and plant themselves on the bleachers. Dwayne is blond and chubby and Barry is tall and looks like Clark Kent.


According to Marty, they're the best three players on the team. Yeah, that's why you're being benched for sucking so hard--because you rock! Two chicks walk into the gym--Gayle Edgerton and Riki Crawford--and Marty's mood takes a dive. Gayle is one of those really annoying journalist types who uses the fact that she's on the school paper as license to meddle in people's business. She's got braces, too, and reminds me of Toby Walters from Romy & Michele's High School Reunion. Anyway, Gayle wants to interview Marty, Dwayne, and Barry for the paper and Riki wants to take photos. Marty and Riki went on a few dates, but Marty stopped calling her for no apparent reason and she freaked out. So this awkward for Marty. Boo fucking hoo. Suddenly, Barry elbows Marty and tells him to catch that cat! Huh? Marty looks up and sees a black cat darting across the court. All three boys start to chase it as usual. Yes, AS USUAL--the cat is always around. Why the hell is there a cat living in the school? Wouldn't the thing crap and pee all over the place? Someone would eventually remove the thing. This book is already getting on my nerves. Poor kitty. Apparently the cat has been living under the bleachers for over a month; kids give it food and water. Once again, there is no way the school would allow an animal to live in the gym like that. Anyway! The coach finally distracts these goofs by telling them they can get back in the game. As Marty is running down the court, the cat darts in front of him. He trips over it and ends up spraining his knee. Tee hee. The coach informs him that he won't be playing in the big game on Friday (of course it's the BIG game) which pisses Marty off. Marty blames the stupid cat, but the coach says it had nothing to do with the cat, it's Marty's fault for horsing around. Marry me, coach, and we can hate on Marty together forever. After seeing the nurse to wrap up his knee, Marty prepares to go home. As he walks to the doors with Dwayne and Barry, he spots the cat staring at him and tells his friends to get it. Leave the fucking cat alone, asshole! It's just a CAT! It didn't intentionally trip you up! The boys chase it up the bleacher steps and corner it so Marty can grab it. It slashes his forehead open with it's claws and Marty drops it. The poor thing falls with a crack. Marty killed it. You fucker!!! Oh kitty, why'd you have to go? *sob* Gayle is furious and says that Marty did it on purpose. Dwayne and Barry find the whole ordeal hilarious: "How about some roadkill stew?" The cat didn't die on the road, you dumbass. It died because your friend is a dumb motherfucker who doesn't take responsibility for his actions! Ok, I'm calm now. I think. Marty argues with Gayle saying he didn't do it on purpose. Liar. Gayle explodes when Dwayne holds up the cat and asks if she needs a new fur coat. What. An. Asshole. My fury level is at 1075745%. Marty tries to gain sympathy from everyone by pointing out his hurt knee and bleeding forehead, but nobody buys it because he's a dirty cat killer. Gayle tells him that he won't get away with it and storms out of the gym with Riki by her side. Cue kitty pic.


On Wednesday morning, Marty heads to school with the intention of finding Gayle and trying to smooth things out with her. He realizes fairly quickly when he arrives at school that Gayle has spread the word. Several of his friends ignore him and give him dirty looks and one of his favorite teachers bites his head off because he's late and tells him he should he ashamed of himself. Gayle = HERO. At lunch, Marty tells Dwayne and Barry about what Gayle has done, but they really don't care. They just keep stuffing their faces and making stupid/sick cat jokes. After lunch, Marty passes a bulletin board in the hall that has a big poster tacked to it. It says "Cruelty To Animals!" and has Marty's name above pictures of abused and tortured animals. *sob* All Marty can think is "If this gets on my school record, there's no way I'm going to get a scholarship!" Shut up, man. Seriously. Later, Marty finally catches up to Gayle who ignores him at first, but finally lowers herself to speak to him. All she says is that she isn't his friend anymore and Marty tells her she's a real jerk. Ha. Dwayne and Barry come up and drag the near hysterical Marty away. He spots Riki and begs her to talk to Gayle for him, but Riki hates him, too: "I hate to break it to you, but I'm on Gayle's side. I think you're a sicko for what you did to that cat. I think you deserve to be punished. But I don't want the team to miss the play-offs because of you." What the hell do the stupid play-offs have to do with anything? Oh well. Riki gets distracted by the blood that is suddenly trickling down Marty's face from where the cat scratched him the day before so Marty ends the conversation and heads to the bathroom to wash his bloody face. As he leaves the bathroom, he spots the coach standing at the door of the cafeteria, seemingly looking for someone. Marty tries to go the other way because he doesn't wanna talk to the coach, but Coach spots him anyway and tells him to come here. Of course Coach asks about the cat thing and Marty rehashes the story. Coach's response? "Do you realize how lame that story sounds?" Marty says yes, but he swears he didn't kill the cat; after all, he has a pet of his own. A dog, of course. Coach finally says he believes Marty didn't do it. BUT HE DID! You people suck! Coach then tells Marty that the Animal Rights Club (led by Gayle) has made a huge deal of it and now the principal wants Marty to face the charges in Student Court tomorrow. Wow. This news calls for another kitty pic.


Marty meets the Student Court in the gym the next day during lunch period. Riki, Dwayne, Barry and Gayle serve as witnesses. When Gayle gets up on "the stand", Marty flips out yet AGAIN because he thinks she's nothing but a liar. Marty is questioned next and feebly tries to defend himself, but manages to make himself look more guilty than ever before. The Student Court finds Marty innocent of the cat murder, but guilty of animal abuse. His sentence? 30 hours of community service at Shadyside Animal Shelter. You're going to make someone who's guilty of animal abuse work at a shelter where he might abuse more animals? IDIOTS. Have I mentioned that I hate this fucking book? Truly. I'm going to build a bonfire and burn this thing and every other Fear Street book I own. Then I'm going inside to hug my kitty. Moving on. Marty glimpses a pair of glowing green eyes staring at him from beneath the bleachers and flips out. Unfortunately for him, everyone thinks he's simply being an ass. At basketball practice that afternoon, Marty sits on the sidelines studying for history. Why didn't he just go home? Some girl named Jessica Wells who is a "lawyer" for the Student Court and questioned Marty earlier, comes to sit beside him and apologizes for being so tough. She walks off a few minutes later and when Marty is alone, some girls behind him start making noises--meows and hisses and such. Blah blah blah. After the practice in which Marty didn't practice anything at all, Coach comes over to tell Marty that he's a good kid. And to think I used to like you, Coach. That evening, Marty is in his room studying when the silence is interrupted by the phone ringing. Could it be a raspy-voiced anonymous caller? Close--it's a GRUFF-voiced anonymous caller. "You're going to pay, Marty. Do you hear me? You're going to pay for what you did!" The voice, although gruff, is distinctly female and Marty suddenly recognizes her--it's Riki. Surprisingly, she isn't pissed off about the cat. She's mad because she saw Marty talking to Jessica Wells in the gym. THE HORROR! IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD! SAVE ME, STINE! IT'S THE LEAST YOU CAN DO! Riki mentions that Gayle saw Marty out with some girl named Lisa Greene on a night in which he told Riki he was "sick". Riki, seriously, you're not missing anything special. Marty is, in the words of Sarah Silverman, a douche wibbler. I don't care if that makes no fucking sense whatsoever; it just fits. Riki ends up screaming that she hates him and Marty tells her to get a life. She hangs up on him and he goes to bed. *sigh*


The next day goes well for Marty. People are finally getting off his case and he can live once again in relative peace. Or so he thinks until he gets to that night's basketball game. Everyone in the bleachers meows and hisses when they spot him. Marty is totally embarrassed, but it eventually dies down. Jessica comes up and they have some boring conversation that really doesn't need repeating. Speaking of boring, this review is drowning in Dullsville. Are you still awake? Huh? Are ya, punk? Ok, good. Marty gets home late, decides to study some, and is promptly interrupted by the noisy sounds of a couple of cats fighting nearby. Marty shuts his window and a few minutes later, the yowling stops. Marty decides he's too tired to continue reading and calls it a night. Before he can get into bed, though, he hears something scratching at his window. Oooooo. Marty goes to the window, peers out, and I'll be damned if it isn't those assholes Dwayne and Barry. They were throwing stones at his window. He jumps out the window to greet them and they all randomly decide to go to the Corner for some pizza. What, no Pete's? All they talk about is that cat and I'm just not even going there. On the way back to Marty's house, a cat jumps out of a tree and onto Barry's head. Sweet. Marty manages to yank the thing off Barry's head and it runs off into the bushes. Marty could've swore that was the SAME CAT HE KILLED. Whatever.


The next evening, Marty begins his community service at the shelter. All he has to do is sweep the floors and feed the animals. He arrives at 7:00 pm and gets to go home after a few hours. THIS is his punishment? Not good enough! As he's sweeping, something makes the animals go INSANE. Dogs are barking and snarling, cats are hissing and yowling, and Marty is freaking out and screaming "Help!" He runs to call Carolyn, the manager. Predictably, as soon as Carolyn arrives, the animals calm down and Marty looks like an ass. Tee hee.

On Monday, at lunch, Marty relays the story to Dwayne and Barry who only shake their heads and say "Weird." On his way out of the lunchroom, Marty runs into Kit Morrissey, a new girl whom he's spoken to only a few times. He ends up asking her out and she agrees because she has mental problems. After school, they go to the Corner and talk and talk. Zzzzzzzzzz. As they're leaving, Marty glances back and sees Riki sitting in a booth alone. But he doesn't really care because Riki is a loser. He walks Kit home and she invites him inside. If this weren't a Fear Street novel, I think we all know what would be happening now. *cue cheesy porn music* The mood is ruined by the fact that Kit has like 5 cats. They all start meowing their heads off when Kit and Marty come in and Marty whines like a little bitch: "Get them away from me!" Kit laughs at him and says they're just hungry. Marty, you just ruined any chance you had of getting Kit alone and nekkid. Marty absolutely freaks out when MORE cats enter the room and he flees the house.

The next day,Marty is hanging with Dwayne and Barry before practice. The Animal Rights Club is having a meeting and the boys are preparing to teach Gayle a lesson of some sort. *eye roll* They end up setting a bunch of rats loose in the room where the club meets. Totally lame. Gayle finds out that it was Marty and she tells him that he'll pay. Later, Kit and Marty laugh about this story at the Corner. I'm surprised Marty can even show his face around Kit after what happened at her house. She even kisses him and agrees for a Saturday night date. He walks her home and then heads for his own house. On the way, he's stalked by a ton of cats. Yes! They come out nowhere and start chasing him. He runs home and when he turns around, there's nothing there. Disappointment!

The following day, is pretty uneventful. Gayle ignores him in spite of her threats to get back at him. Riki makes clawing motions at him because she's nuts. Jessica acts cold toward him because she probably heard that he's now dating Kit. He practices with the team after school like he used to. He and Kit study at his house and make out before she leaves. At 1:37 am, Marty gets a strange call. The caller simply meows and hisses before the line goes dead. Sounds dull, but it freaked Marty out so I guess it was effective?

At school the next day, Marty overhears Dwayne and Riki arguing. Dwayne tells her to stop the "cat nonsense" because Marty won't be able to concentrate on the BIG game which happens to be tonight. Riki just says that he can't make her stop and then walks off. So very lame. Riki doesn't come to the game, but Gayle does so I think we can assume that shit is about to hit the fan at some point. Shadyside ends up winning the BIIIGGGG game and everybody celebrates. Marty drives home feeling pretty elated, but remembers he left his backpack at school and he needs it. I smell a plot contrivance (and it stinks). He goes back for it and sees Gayle running away from the building. Marty, confused, goes inside and spots his backpack beside the bleachers. When he goes to fetch it, he notices it's sitting beside a pool of blood. He bends and sees Dwayne's mutilated body. His skin has pretty much been shredded off. That must sting. Back at home, Marty is questioned by the police and such. Barry is there and he's pissed because Marty neglected to tell the cops that he saw Gayle fleeing the building moments before he discovered Dwayne. Marty insists that Gayle is no murderer. *sigh* Marty decides to pay Gayle a visit, though. She answers the door sobbing and Marty gives her a hug before releasing her and saying "I saw you running from the gym. Just before I found Dwayne's body. What were you doing there?" She says that she hung around school after the game to use the weight room. She changed clothes in the locker room and ran out of the school because she was late for a babysitting job. Ok?

Dwayne's funeral occurs on Monday morning. Marty goes and then comes to school to mope through the halls. At practice, Coach gives everyone an armband to wear in memory of Dwayne. Marty confesses to the Coach that he may not be able to play and Barry gets all pissed off at that. I wish I cared. After practice, Barry asks if he can hitch a ride home from Marty. Marty agrees and tells Barry to hurry up. While he's waiting, Marty talks to some kid named Kevin outside. Kevin leaves and Marty spots Gayle hanging around like she's also waiting for someone. Marty gets tired of waiting for Barry and heads back to the locker room to see what's holding him up. He finds Barry making out hot and heavy with Riki. Meow. Marty says he can't take Barry home because he has to get to work so Barry will catch a ride with Gayle. Blah blah blah boring boring. Marty ends up being late for "work" (it's not like he really does much of anything) but Carolyn is cool with it. She says they have a new "inmate"--it's a HUGE dog named Brutus. Sadly, Brutus is dangerous and the vet is coming the next day to put him down. Sadness! Marty feeds all the animals and then starts sweeping. Suddenly the cages holding cats are opened somehow and all the cats come crowding around Marty. This again? Two cats leap and dig their claws into Marty's chest; he bats them away with his handy dandy broom. Then Carolyn comes in and everything goes silent. She's pissed because the cats are out, but all Marty can say is that someone else must have gotten in and let them out. She says the door is locked and no-one could have came in. She then asks to have a word with Marty in her office. I guess we're letting the cats roam free? Ok then. She tells Marty that he was the one who let those cats out and she saw him attack them with that broom. Hahahahah. Carolyn tells him to go home, maybe see a doctor, and not come back until he feels ready to. Which will probably be NEVER.

Marty leaves, but he doesn't wanna go home so he heads to Barry's house where he lets himself in without knocking first. Rude much? The house is dark and Marty trips over a rolled up rug which he irrationally assumes to be Barry's body. Then he hears Barry's voice from the back of the house and Marty tells him that it's just him. He walks into the den and finds Barry and Riki looking hot and bothered. Ew. Marty finally gets the hint to get the hell out so they can get back to their kissing and groping. Outside, he bumps into some guy coming up the walk. It's just a neighbor who saw the door hanging open and wanted to make sure everything was ok. Why wouldn't it be?

The next morning, Marty's mom wakes him up at 7:00. She's crying and asks him to come downstairs. Uh-oh. Two police officers are waiting to ask him a few questions about his whereabouts the night before. I assume Barry and Riki are dead as doornails. When Marty asks what's going on, one of the officers tells him that Barry was found clawed to pieces. Yeah, that's been happening lately. I wish I cared more. The cops ask Marty more questions and then they tell him that the neighbor Marty ran into told them that Marty looked positively cuckoo nutso the night before. Marty is angry because he believes they're accusing him of something he didn't do. They inform him that they are aware of every incident he's been involved with in the past few weeks: the cat murder, the Student Court session in which Marty flipped out because he thought he saw the dead cat hiding in the bleachers, and when Marty found Dwayne's body. Carolyn also told them about Marty setting the cats loose and batting them with a broom. I am so bored. Before the cops finally decide to leave, they tell Marty that the killer was already in the house. I don't know how or why and I don't care and it doesn't matter because I just want this stupid book to end. School ends up being canceled and Marty holes up in his room all day. The next day, the school holds an assembly to memorialize Dwayne and Barry. Marty goes up to Riki and Gayle afterwards and they cheer him right up by telling him he might be next. After all, he, Dwayne, and Barry were known around school as the Three Musketeers.


The next evening, Marty is right back at the animal shelter. He's surprised to see that Brutus is still there. Carolyn says that someone decided to adopt him at the last minute; they wanted a big, scary guard dog. Anyway, Carolyn goes to her office and Marty is left to sweep and such. As usual, the animals go nuts and as Marty is yelling at them to shut up, he spots Kit step out from behind a cage. "It's your turn, Marty." He doesn't understand and then Kit tells him that he killed her while Dwayne and Barry laughed. You've got to be kidding me. Seriously. The fucking cat is Kit?!?! The dead cat was reincarnated as this dumb bimbo? I hate you, Stine. Kit explains that she is one of the last shapeshifters on earth. She says she lived as a cat beneath the bleachers simply because she wanted to be close to him. "That's true love, Marty. And how did you pay me back? You dropped me off the bleachers. You tried to kill me. You didn't know that I'm blessed with nine lives." Shut. Up. She suddenly transforms into a cat and starts clawing chunks of skin off Marty's face. Marty sinks to his knees and Kitty Kit gleefully claws away at him. Marty crawls over to Brutus's cage and jerks open the door. Brutus promptly grabs Kit and snaps her kitty neck between his big teeth like it's a chicken bone. Goodbye for now, Kit. Marty makes it to the hospital, his wounds are treated, and he goes home. The next night, Marty plays in the basketball tournament. During the game, he glances at the bleachers and spies Kitty Kit! "I stared at the cat. She raised blood-smeared claws. And I started to scream." Oh sweet Kit.


Conclusion? This book was HORRIBLE. Stine should hang his warty head in shame for writing such an abomination. The ending was pretty sweet, though.

Next time: "Seniors #2 - In Too Deep" A murderer at summer camp? Gimme!

25 comments:

  1. ...A Student Court with the power to sentence people to community service? Do these actually exist?

    Also, I saw Kit = cat coming, but I didn't expect it to actually happen because, you know.

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  2. Oh yeah, and that tagline is insane. "C-A-T spells murder"? Really?

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  3. I have no clue if those Student Court things exist. It seems really unlikely, though.

    "C-A-T spells murder" = worst tagline EVER.

    This book totally sucked!

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  4. Kit's the cat, I love it, you can practically smell the desperation on Stine's breath.
    Although if you were going to use your shapeshifting powers to bring you closer to your one true love, surely it would be much better to shapeshift into something he actually...umm...likes? Or at least something he doesn't DESPISE.

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  5. Not a murder at summer camp! You love summer camp stories!

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  6. I think it's sort of funny that Barry is described as looking like Clark Kent (I don't know if that's just your description or if it was actually in the book) because "Barry Allen" is The Flash's real name. So he has the name of one secret identity and the looks of another.

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  7. That cover is AWESOME! "C-A-T spells MURDER."

    I loved the cute pictures of cats on the cover.

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  8. Babysitter, that fact combined with so many others just make this book so bad.

    MaybeSomeday, it's true! That's why I'm excited about it.

    Chad, the book does describe Barry as Clark Kent, but I had no idea about The Flash.

    Kate, the cute kitties made writing this entry easier.

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  9. This definitely smacks of a Goosebumps idea that Stine tried crowbarring into Fear Street. Which is funny 'cause I was just over at Blogger Beware saying one of the Goosebumps 2000 books felt like a Fear Street that he adapted into Goosebumps.

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  10. I know I read this book, but I couldn't remember what happened in it. Now I know why I forgot it. What was Stine or the ghost writer thinking? Horrible, horrible book.
    Seniors #2 rocks. Evil kids, evil ghosts out for revenge, and a summer camp. What's not to love. #3 is even better. Vampires.

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  11. Seniors sounds nuts, but we've already seen the first book, so we knew. I can hardly wait. I wish I had access to these as a human youngling.

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  12. The book may be awful, but your recap was great. Love the pictures of the kitties!

    C-A-T spells murder. haha! Yes, worst tagline ever.

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  13. your favorite sun, it definitely reminds me of a Goosebumps book which is disappointing...

    Karmyn, I can't wait for #2!

    Anon, I wish I had read the Seniors when I was younger. But Goosebumps had me by the throat. Dammit, Stine.

    Zanne, thanks :) I love those kitties, too. *sigh*

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  14. Wow. Dropping a cat from the top of a set of bleachers wouldn't even kill it, though. I couldn't get past that, the rest of the book sounded absolutely horrible but just that one thing made me keep going THE ENTIRE PREMISE IS STUPID.

    If a cat dies from that kind of drop tbh it's really the cat's fault for not knowing how to land on its feet 8| so basically Kit you retarded.

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  15. Wow...great snark! I do recall reading this at some point...not my fav RL Stine book.

    Love the pics of the kitties! Made my own kitty jealous that I may replace him (not possible!).

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  16. I have seen a cat die from a short fall, but it was already sick and fell right on rock. A healthy cat falling from the top of the bleachers would most likely not even get hurt.
    The Seniors series just got weirder and more fun as it went on. The last one in the series is just too trippy.

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  17. Guindo, the person who wrote this obviously didn't care what he was writing--he just wanted a pay check.

    Katie, kitties make my cold, shriveled heart melt.

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  18. Let's go little kitty kat
    I think it's time to go
    Let's go little kitty kat
    He don't want no more
    Let's go little kitty kat
    Quite frankly
    I'm not gettin' it
    I'm not feelin' it

    Yes I couldn't resist singing Beyonce's Kitty Kat. Kinda fitting. And C-A-T spells cat (i know it was used to sound kool but he could've said something like Meow! That would've been better. Lol

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  19. isnt dwayne the same dwayne from the fear street book: the surprise party?

    if so, im glad he's dead. he was such a jerk in that book.

    and why would a cat die when it knows how to land on its feet? STUPID PLOT

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  20. There were a lot of plot holes in this one. No school would have a school council and have the right to choose the punishment that Marty received. Plus, that cat's death was clearly an accident. I hate cats myself, but I would never go so far as killing them. The only thing he should be guilty of is not feeling remorseful about killing her in the first place. I was in a sorority and practically everyone in my sorority was a cat lover except me.

    As for the part about a cat living in the bleachers at a school like that, isn't as weird as it may seem. There's a bird in the cafeteria at my college. You'd think they would get rid of it, we call it the Shafer bird. Since our cafeteria is called Shafer, they even made a Facebook page for it. The page apparently features the menu of what's going to be for breakfast, lunch and dinner on there. I heard some chick last year ended up getting pooped on by the bird. Which is quite unfortunate, but still extremely hilarious. There would definitely be a game of cat and mouse if the cat from this story were to end up living in our cafeteria with the Shafer bird.

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