Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Double Date

Book Description:

No girl in her right mind would say no to a date with Bobby Newkirk. Not with those great looks, that easy charm, and the awesome way he plays the guitar. Of course, some people think he's just a bit conceited. But when it comes down to breaking hearts, that hasn't slowed Bobby down one bit. At least not until the beautiful Wade twins move to Shadyside. And Bobby brags to his friends that they'll BOTH fall for him. And they do. Too bad for Bobby the twins never learned to share. One of them is jealous, murderously jealous. Is it quiet, shy Bree? Or bold, sexy Samantha? Bobby had better figure it out...or his double fun will turn to double terror.

My Description:

We begin this piece of shit (let's just call it as we see it) with Bobby harrassing some chick named Ronnie. Yeah, this one's gonna be a winner, kids. He has her pinned against a locker and is kissing her. She kisses him back because he's hot, after all, even if he is a would-be rapist. *sigh* They flirt for a bit and then Bobby walks away as Ronnie begs him to call her later. Bobby really has no intentions of doing so: "He liked Ronnie. She wasn't the prettiest girl he had dated. Why had he asked her out? Because she was the only Tigers cheerleader he hadn't gone out with. He had to have a perfect record." What. An. Asshole. I have a bad taste in my mouth. I predict this will be my angriest post yet. I can't believe we're expected to have sympathy for this guy (because someone is going to attempt to murder him later, of course.) I'm already fervently praying for his death and I'm only on page three for God's sake! Grrr...

Bobby stops outside the music room to chat with a few friends, Jerry Marvin and Markie Drew. What the hell kind of name is Markie Drew? Anyway, Jerry mentions that he had to get a job at McDonald's and Bobby makes fun of him because Bobby's parents are rich and Bobby will forever be basking in the lap of luxury instead of flipping burgers and making McFlurries. Bastard. Seriously, what a dick!!! Unbelievable. Why has Stine made his main character such a unlikable piece of crap? Oh well. I can alwatys set fire to this thing later...that's my only consolation. Bobby walks off, but he doesn't get far--Kimmy Bass (we were first introduced to her in the Cheerleader books) grabs him and tells him she's gonna kill him. Yay! I've always hated you, Kimmy, but you may have just redeemed yourself. She's pissed because Bobby stood her up for their date the night before. His excuse? "I got a better offer." Blind...fury...consuming...me. Kimmy calls him a pig instead of castrating him like she should have and runs away.

Bobby makes his way to the music room where he and his friends hold their band practice. The band's name is Bad to the Bone *snort* and consists of Bobby on guitar, Arnie on drums, and Paul on keyboard. Before they start playing, the Wade twins enter and ask where Mr. Cotton, the music teacher, is. Arnie makes a painfully lame joke: "No cotton here. But I have some Q-tips in my locker." *groan* Get off the stage! The girls can sense the lameness in the room and it's choking them so they leave. The boys carry on about how hot the twins are and Bobby says he bets he can date both twins in one weekend. Once they realize what a diseased waste of space you are, Bob, I doubt they'll want anything to do with you.

After practice, they pack up and Arnie's girlfriend Melanie comes in. Bobby dated her for a few months the previous spring (she broke up with him when she found out he was messing with other girls) and greets her by throwing a drumstick at her. I'm becoming physically ill at the thought of spending 100 more pages with this asshole. Bobby looks at Melanie and thinks "Not bad. If she'd lose a few pounds, I might even ask her out again. I mean, when Arnie's finished with her." You've got to be fucking kidding me. Come on! Just before Bobby leaves, Melanie warns him about the Wade twins, telling him to stay from them because they're not what they seem. Ooo...does that mean they're even MORE psychotic than I thought? One can only hope. Bobby rushes out the door and runs into Bree. They chat for a bit and when Bree says that she and Samantha were thinking of trying out for chorus, Bobby says his dinky band could use a new singer. Bree says Samantha might be interested, but she herself is too shy for that. Bobby mentions that the band will be playing at The Mill, one of Shadyside's numerous dance clubs for misguided teens, on Friday night. He asks Bree if she wants to come and says maybe they could something afterward. Maybe she could stab your ass afterwards. Bree agrees and they part ways with Bobby thinking "One down and one to go." Oh Bobby. Stupid, arrogant, slut faced Bobby. You don't even know, man. You're going dowwwwwwn!

Later, Bobby and Arnie are hanging out in Bobby's room talking about Bobby's upcoming date with Bree. Bobby picks up the phone and prepares to call Samantha to ask her out. Idiot. Arnie is such an ass kisser, repeatedly screeching "You the man!" Of course, Bobby is eating it up: "Arnie is my biggest fan, Bobby realized. That's why we're such good friends." If only Arnie was a crazed, rabid fan...the kind that would cut out your tongue and eat it for Sunday dinner. Wow. This book has caused me to be more morbid than usual. Oh well. Bobby reaches Samantha and mentions the band needing a new singer. She laughs and says no way, she only sings in the shower. Bobby changes the subject and asks her out. He didn't count her actually possessing a conscience; she refuses...AT FIRST. The bastard somehow convinces her to go to the movies with him. She's suspicious, thinking it could be a BET of some sort, but agrees when he assures her it isn't. You people are repulsive. Bobby hangs up and a does a victory dance with his secret lover Arnie. Puke.

It's now Friday night and Bobby is admiring Bree's "fashion sense": "She wore a short black skirt over red tights and a silky, sleeveless red T-shirt. She had tied her black hair back with a red ribbon." Meh. The band takes the stage and performs covers of songs from the 50s. Bobby actually pretends to be Chuck Berry. Thank you for ruining the 1950s for me, Stine. I appreciate it when your brutally butcher the innocence! I don't think that made sense. Oh well. If Stine doesn't have to make sense, neither do I. After the band finishes, Bobby and Bree take off. They drive around Shadyside, listening to music and the sound of Bobby droning on and on about his pointless, boring life. Bree, obviously a hardcore masochist, asks him a question about his monkeys. Say what? Yes, some idiot has entrusted the lives of two animals with Bobby for a science project. He's named them Wayne and Garth.

"We're not worthy!"

Bobby explains his project: "It's a diet experiment. I'm feeding Wayne only bananas and water. Garth is getting a mixed diet." Great. Now tell me who gave you the moneys so I know whose ass to kick. "My uncle. He's an animal importer. He works for zoos. They're great monkeys, but I can't keep them. I have to send them back when the experiment is over." First of all, Bobby's uncle is a terrorist. Second, if Bobby is as irresponsible as I damn well know he is, those monkeys will be sent back in tiny little body bags. Around midnight, Bobby takes Bree home. Apparently all that talk of monkey experimentation has gotten Bree hot and bothered because before she gets out of the car, she plants a big wet kiss on Bobby. Yuck. She asks him out for the next night, but since Bob has a date with her sister, he has to decline. As he drives away, he says "Bobby the man scores again!" Gag me with a chainsaw.

The next night, Bobby is hanging out at the food court in Division Street Mall, waiting for Samantha. When she shows up, Bobby thinks she looks really sexy: "She wore loose-fitting faded denim shorts and a bright magenta midriff blouse." I don't see the sex appeal, but whatever floats your boat, Bob. Samantha freaks him out by saying that Bree is nearby, but she's only joking. Oh the laughs! HAHAHA! It hurts! No, really. It HURTS. They walk to the theater, but Samantha doesn't wanna see a movie. She just wants to walk aimlessly around the mall. Oh, and make fun of people. "Look at those people! Do you believe them? They're eating hot dogs, nachos, and ice cream at the same time. Think they know the way to the food court?" She and Bobby deserve each other. They have the same bitchface! Anyway, they go inside a jewelry store where Samantha steals a pair of gold earrings. They run away when a clerk tries to stop them. For once, Bobby is the voice of reason. SHOCK! But Samantha just ignores him and runs faster. They run until a security guard blocks their path. Justice? No, just a friendly warning: "You really shouldn't run. You could get." Thank you, "officer". They make their way to the parking lot where they laugh and joke about what just happened. Har har har! NOT. Bobby makes the mistake of allowing Samantha to drive; she pulls into traffic like a bat out of hell and speeds away. Bobby feels happy again because he thinks Sam is driving to River Ridge, the make-out spot. "Wow! She doesn't waste any time! Bobby thought happily." Put it back in your pants, Bob. They arrive at the Ridge and immediately start making out. Bobby's thoughts are so lame: "When word gets out about this weekend--the all-Wade weekend--everyone will know who's the coolest guy in school! I am the king! Bobby thought, kissing her again. The kind of rock 'n' roll!" *sigh* Do people at that school really give a shit about who this idiot dates? I doubt it. Samantha asks him if he likes her better than her sister and OF COURSE he says yes. He mentions that they look so much alike (well, they're TWINS, jackass!) and Samantha says there's a way to tell them apart and she'll show him when they get to know each other better. Why be so secretive? Unless it's something gross like a big hairy mole on her butt. *barf* Samantha says that Bree is very fragile and gets "strange" when she gets hurt so Bobby better be careful with her. That's not incredibly vague or anything. Please don't tell use more! *sigh*

On Monday afternoon, Bobby is making his way to the music room and thinking about the fact that Paul has threatened to quit the band in pursuit of a REAL life (i.e. an after-school job). Bobby spots poor Kimmy Bass beside her locker and decides to give her hell. He pulls her hair and asks her what she's doing Saturday night. When she says "Nothing" he replies "Then why not take a bath?" But it doesn't end there. She calls him a pig and he makes oinking sounds before saying "Takes one to know one." He walks of thinking "She's nuts about me." Bastard. Once he reaches the music room, Melanie tears him a new one for going out with the twins. Apparently she's friends with them, but she's more concerned about Bree. Bobby doesn't give a shit. Didn't see that one coming.

That night, Bobby tries to concentrate on his homework, but his mind keeps drifting to Bree and Samantha. So he takes a break and admires himself in the mirror. As he's staring dreamily at himself, the phone rings. It's our friendly anonymous caller! "Two's company. Three's a crowd. You'll pay. You'll pay double." Unfortunately, it turns out to be Arnie; he starts giggling on the line and Bobby quickly figures it out. What an amateur. They talk about how hot the twins are (we get it!) and the conversation ends a few minutes later. Yawn. The doorbell rings and Bobby, surprised, runs to answer it. It's Bree and she says she wants to talk. Uh-oh. She pushes her way inside as Bobby mentally freaks out because he gets the feeling Bree knows about his deception. They sit down and Bree explains that Samantha has been seeing someone...but she doesn't know who because Sam is being so damn sneaky. She's upset because she and Sam usually tell each other everything. So why the hell is she telling Bobby this? "I had to talk to someone. And you--well, I feel I can tell you things, Bobby." WHY? You've only known this douchebag for about 2.5 seconds. Bobby puts on his best shit eating grin and says he knows tons of people at school and will ask around about who Sam is dating. Bree is ever so grateful: "Thanks, Bobby. I don't know what I'd do without you. You've become so important to me." Are you listening to yourself, lady? You're delusional! You barely know him! Grrrrr.

A few minutes after Bree leaves, Bobby congratulates himself on a job well done and does a jig around the house because he's a demented asshole. A call from Samantha interrupts his 'me time'. She wants him to break things off with Bree because if she finds out Bobby and Sam are snuggle buddies, she could break. And if she breaks, she's capable of anything. ANYTHING! I wish she'd kill them both now and save me 90 pages of pain and boredom. Alas, that is not meant to be... *sob*

So it's some random night and Samantha and Bobby are in his car and she's driving like a deranged lunatic while he cries like a baby for her to slow down and mentally kicks his own ass for allowing her to drive again and she laughs at him and they manage to make it to the mall where Samantha confesses she doesn't have a driver's license. Are you kidding? I need a pill. Or a drink. Or a book written by someone with half a brain. The two enter the mall and we get our first mention of PIZZA as they head for Pete's Pizza. Damn. After the last post (the book that shall not be named! *cough*Goodnight Kiss 2*cough*) I really don't wanna hear about pizza. But here we are. Samantha asks if he broke things off with Bree, but she doesn't shut her freaking yap long enough for him to answer so he's off the hook for now. They talk about the band and Bobby confesses he's thinking of dumping Paul and Arnie for new band members. "That's show biz!: *cringe*

They leave the restaurant and Samantha leads Bobby to the jewelry store she robbed. She tells him that he's going to steal a charm bracelet for her. He says no way, but she makes fun of him and eggs him on until he finally agrees. Fool. He enters the store, lifts the lid of a glass case, and immediately sets off an alarm. He grabs the bracelet and runs away. He finally comes across Samantha who grabs the bracelet and puts it on laughing. HATE! Fortunately for me, Samantha gets her just desserts when she turns around and spots Bree watching them. Tee hee. Bree is majorly pissed and Sam looks terrified. Bobby lies as usual: "Samantha and I--we bumped into each other. Just a minute ago. And I thought it was you! I started talking with her and I called her Bree. I thought it was you." You shame me, Bobby. I'm embarrassed FOR you. Samantha sputters something and Bobby is shocked at how fearful she seems. Well, she lives with a psychotic maniac so I guess I'd be a little nervous, too. Bree seems to buy their weak excuses and she and Samantha go off to look at clothes, leaving Bobby alone. He thought he was gonna get very lucky, but NO. HA!

As Bobby walks to his car, he thinks about how awesome it is to be dating twins. "I'm famous! At Shadyside High they'll be talking about Bobby the Man for years to come! They might even have to put a special troph in the case in the front hallway of the school. 'Bobby the Man' it'll say. 'Both Wade Twins At Once!' " This asshole is acting like he won the Nobel Prize or discovered the cure for cancer. You didn't do anything, Bob! Shut your big mouth and come to terms with the fact that you're nothing but a lame, stupid, arrogant waste of space!!! RAWR! I'll try to calm down, but I don't think I can. The fury is in my blood! Anyway, Bobby is so busy kissing his own rump that he doesn't realize right away that something has happened to his car. But when he gets closer, he notices that all four tires are slashed. SCORE! He actually wonders who would do this to him. Who WOULDN'T do this to him? He deserves it! A car pulls up beside him and Melanie rolls down the window. She says she was on her way to Arnie's then looks shocked when she sees the tires. Bobby thinks she did it, but he needs a ride so he doesn't say anything. I hope it was Kimmy. REVENGE!

After classes on Monday, Bobby heads to the music room. Paul and Arnie want to change the band name to the Desperadoes. Even though Bobby thinks it's crap, he agrees to it. It's a hell of a lot better than Bad tothe Bone. God, these people are lame. Seriously. It's painful. Oh well. Before he reaches the room, he spots Bree and calls to her, but she runs from him. She's wising up. Samantha comes up a minute later, angry: "I saw you chasing after Bree. You're not really falling for her, are you?" Shut. Up. If either of these girls knew what was good for them, they'd get as far away from The Man as quickly as possible. Samantha ignores my advice and tells Bobby she wants to show him her science project. She pulls him into a classroom, makes out with him, and tells him she's gonna show him the difference between she and Bree. Ew, big hairy mole time! Samantha + Stine = Mole Twins. Actually, it isn't a mole at all. It's a butterfly tattoo just like on the cover (speaking of this crappy cover, those chicks look hella skanky and Bobby looks like he just stepped off the short bus. All he needs is a drool cup.) Then she says she wants Bobby to get rid of Bree and only date her. He agrees and decides to show her Wayne and Garth. I'm not getting attached to these cute little monkeys because I get the sinking feeling they'll be dead soon. Samantha shows Bobby HER project: cannibal ants from New Zealand. Give me a break. Ok, so there's no such thing as cannibal ants. But for the purposes of this story, if the ants eat the monkeys, I'm going to hurt you, Stine. I will slather your naked body in honey (if I don't choke on my own vomit first), tie you to a tree, and wait for some ants or a giant bear of a crazed wolf boy to devour YOU!

It's now time for Shadyside High's spring show, an event in which teens with mediocre talent (at best) can pretend to be rock stars for a day. Bobby's band is preparing to perform next. Kimmy is hanging nerby giving Bobby a death glare. "Sorry, Kimmy. I wish I could give you a break. But I just don't have time for all the bow-wows in this school!" Slice his fucking throat, Kimmy! Send the demon back to hell! The band goes onstage before Bobby can be murdered. Happily, Bobby gets a shock from his guitar--someone cut the amp wire. He wakes up a moment later with people hovering around him. Unfortunately, he's fine. He wonders who's trying to kill him. My guess would be the universe.

Later, he calls Samantha and asks if she thinks Bree could've cut the wire. Sam simply says "I warned you about my sister. She really could do anything!" Bobby starts to reply but is distracted by a noise behind him--it's Bree standing in the doorway. He quickly hangsup and says hello. She says his mom let her in and asks who he was talking to. He lies and says Arnie. She changes the subject and says she was so worried about him earlier. And then they make out to celebrate Bobby's brush with death. No comment.

One Monday afternoon, the Desperadoes are hanging out at The Corner NOT eating pizza. Arnie makes fun of Bobby's shock and Bobby says he's thinking about quitting the band because someone's trying to kill him. Poor sport. Someone grabs Bobby's houlders and he screams like a little girl. It's David Metcalf, a guy from the wrestling team, who laughs his ass off and makes fun of Bobby's shock before walking away. It does my heart good to see Bobby so upset. Yay! Melanie joins the group and immediately starts in on Bobby dating the twins. She went to elementary school with them and her mom has been friends with their mom forever. She doesn't want to see them get hurt by Bobby Booby. He says she just wants him for herself and walks out. His ego is suffocating me.

That night, Bobby and Samantha cruise around Shadyside. He brings up Bree, but Sam says she really doesn't wanna talk about her and turns away. Bobby glances at her just as her top slips down her shoulder. He doesn't see the tattoo and realizes this can't be Samantha. Ruh roh. She turns on the radio just as Bobby asks where her tattoo went. The noise drowns out his voice as Bob grows more and more nervous. You're screwed, man. Yay! He pulls over and asks her if she's Bree. She acts all offended and such and tells him to take her home. So who the hell is she? Does it matter? Doubtful. Only 50 more pages left...will anything happen? Who will die? Anyone? Or just an innocent animal? Let's read on...or rather I'LL read on since you lucky bastards aren't reading this piece of junk.

The next morning, Bobby spots Bree and Samantha talking in the hall and approaches them. He keeps walking when he spots something taped to his locker. It's a note that reads 'This Is You Inside'. He opens the locker door and resting on his books is a severed monkey head. Dammit, Stine! I warned you! Your honey-coated body is now fodder for forest animals, sir. Bobby backs away, pukes, and runs into Arnie who can't resist a joke: "I see you had eggs for breakfast." Nice. Arnie goes over to Bob's locker and picks up the head. "It's plastic. It's just a toy." *sigh* Wayne, Garth, and R.L. Stine are safe...for now. Bobby is furious and vows to find out who's doing this. Good luck with that.

On Saturday afternoon, Bobby picks up Samantha (did I mention the twins live on Fear Street? Yeah, explains a lot, doesn't it?) who insists he let her drive. She pulls over and says they need to talk. Great. She cuts right to the chase: "We have to kill Bree." Because that's logical. Samantha is incredibly enthusiastic about the idea and that disturbs Bobby, but all she has to do is kiss him to change his mind. Good GAWD. Samantha shifts position and Bobby spots the tattoo. He's really confused and says Bree was pretending to be her. Sam's response? "You're getting all mixed up. All the more reason to kill Bree." Bobby decides that she has absolutely lost her frigging mind and he only went along with her crazy plan to kill Bree because he needs time to think of a way to SAVE Bree. My brain hurts. She drives to her family's cabin which is conveniently located in the middle of nowhere. She says they can bring Bree here to murder her. What psycho. They walk to the door and Sam tells Bobby to shove it open. They go inside and take a look around. Samantha reaffirms the plan and they kiss. GAG.

At home, Bobby calls Bree and says they need to talk NOW. But her family is eating dinner and she considers that more important (how dare she?!) and says she'll see him at eight. That evening, Bobby picks her up and quickly tells her Samantha's devious plan. Bree is shocked and then says "I have to tell you something. You see, Samantha and I--we're not twins." Then what the hell are you? Clones? What she says next is such cracp, an unnecessary plot contrivance that makes my head nearly explode. "There's a third sister. Samantha and I aren't twins. We're triplets." Just what the world needs--another psychopath. Save me! The girl's name is Jennilynn and Bree says he must have been out with HER all afternoon. Of course Jennilynn has a ridiculous backstory: she's dangerous and was sent to live with her aunt and uncle on the West Coast because apparently her parents want those people dead. She always hated Samantha and Bree and was very jealous of them. At age 13, she started a fire that nearly burned the house down with her entire family inside. She was sent to a hospital then and once released, doctors thought it would be best if she didn't live with her family because she'd just try to kill them again. Bobby is only mildly horrified and Bree begs him not to tell anyone and he agrees. Bree says she has to tell her parents that Jennilynn is back. Have her aunt and uncle not called yet? Where is Jennilynn staying anyway? Oh well. Guess no-one really gives a shit. Bree says she knows a way Bobby can distinguish Jennilynn from she or Samantha--she has a butterfly tattoo. Of freaking course she does!

After taking Bree home, Bobby drives to Arnie's to gloat about the fact that he's been dating triplets. Unbelievable. Really. Truly. He arrives and Melanie is there. Why didn't she mention Jennilynn? She would've had to know...unless Bree is lying her ass off. Bobby says the same thing and Melanie says she can't talk about it and leaves. Ok... Bobby drives around town for a bit. He thinks he should dump the Wade sisters but decides not to because they're hot. Can you say IDIOT? Also, they're really not that hot. They look like they'd smell like hot garbage...

The next day, Bobby meets Samantha at the mall. You'd think these morons would stay away from that place considering they've stolen from there. *sigh* Bobby mentions Jennilynn and Samantha says something that sends me into a rage. A RAGE! "Poor Bree must be in bad shape again. There is no Jennilynn, Bobby. We don't have a third sister." What the hell, man? Stop dragging us through the mud! Is there another sister or isn't there? It's a pretty fucking simple question. I guess what I'm really pissed about is the fact that the author of this book ran out of steam about 50 pages ago and decided to throw anything resembling a plot to the wind which is why we're left with this steaming pile of dog poo. Sam wants to go home and tell her parents that Bree is up to her old shenanigans: "Bree hasn't done this in years, Bobby. When she was troubled, she used to make up these stories about Jennilynn, about our having a third sister. She would make up frightening stories about Jennilynn, horrible fantasies about this imaginary other sister." Ok, just shut the fuck up. I don't even care anymore and since this book is running on auto-pilot, so am I, dammit! Bobby asks to see her tattoo and she says she doesn't have one, bearing her shoulder to prove it. When Bobby presses the subject, she says he's imagining things and they need to go. Who's lying here?

That night, Bobby sits in his room and asks himself the same question. My guess? I think Bree and Samantha are pissed because he refuses to choose between them, opting instead to string them both along. So to get back at him, they're messing with his mind...and mine. The phone rings. It's Jennilynn. I doubt it! She says she saw him this afternoon with Bree and he protests that it was Samantha, but Jennilynn says she knows her own sister. She goes on to say they must kill Bree and also, she's getting really angry. REALLY angry, Bobby! Ask me if I care.

The next day, Bobby tries to put the Wade sisters out of his mind. If he could get over himself, he could ditch those fucking lunatics and wouldn't have anything to worry about. Sadly, his ego is out of even his control. Samantha pulls up and Bobby hops in. He tells her "Jennilynn" called him last night and she tells him to shut up and wait until they get to the cabin to talk. On the way, he spies the tattoo and she acts like he's crazy when he says it wasn't there yesterday. "I wasn't at the mall yesterday. I didn't see you yesterday, Bobby!" Has he not figured out that they are completely fucking with his mind? When they reach the cabin, Samantha knocks him out with an empty Coke bottle. Uh, ok?

When Bobby wakes, he's tied to a chair. Samantha comes into view and says her name is Jennilynn. And I say fuck off. She says her stupid sisters would love to pretend she doesn't exist because she's the bad one. You can see she's bad because she has a tattoo! (Yes, she actually says that.) She then grabs some honey and pours it over him. Hey! The little biotch stole my idea! Bobby spots the jar of ants and starts to freak out. Damn her. And damn him for being so stupid this entire time! She dumps the ants on him and they immediately start biting. Just before she leaves, she tells him to scream all he wants because no-one can hear him.

Bobby manages to squirm free because "ennilynn doesn't know how to tie a damn knot. He runs up the road and spots headlights bouncing toward him. It's Melanie. Bobby gets in and explains what happened and Melanie finally admits to knowing about "Jennilynn". Oh Bobby. You fool. Melanie drives Bobby to the Wade house where he spots the car that "Jennilynn" was driving. He runs inside screaming "Jennilynn is here!" and sees Ronnie, Kimmy, Bree, and Samantha laughing at him. Mr. Wade comes in and looks at Bobby like he's nuts when he mentions "Jennilynn". Bobby blurts out the entire story and the twins along with Melanie lie about everything. Mr. Wade tells Bobby to go home and leaves the room. Then the girls drop the bomb. All of them wanted to get back at Bobby for treating them like shit. They laugh their asses off as he says "You mean you don't like me?" He slumps out of the house and walks home. Mega BURN.

A few days later, Bobby is walking to the music room when he remember he no longer has a band. Paul found another group and Arnie realized he was a talentless loser and sold his drum set. As Bobby heads for the exit, Bree hands him an envelope. There's a note written on the outside that says "Twin sisters don't have secrets. We both knew everything from the start. Bye." No shit. He opens the envelope and finds a temporary tattoo of a butterfly inside. Kiss my ass, Stine.

Conclusion? Major suckage. A piece of my soul is gone as a result of reading this thing. At least the monkey's survived...

Next time: "Dead End" Will this 'I Know What You Did Last Summer' rip-off be the nugget of gold I've been searching for? I doubt it, but it will HAVE to be better than what I just read.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Goodnight Kiss 2

Book Description:

Billy has been to Sandy Hollow before. This summer, he's returning to the little resort town, but not for fun in the sun. He is searching for creatures of the night--the vampires who prey on the tourists there. Billy's girlfriend was one of those tourists until the vampires killed her. Now Billy has vowed to destroy them all even if he must join them trying.

My Description:

* After reading the first book, I must admit that I'm not feeling enthusiastic about this one. In fact, I'm almost 100% positive that this book will also be a literary abortion. At least there will be REVENGE! in this one... *


Two kooky teens, Diana and Eric, are walking on the beach one evening. Since Diana doesn't wanna leave yet and she's paying extra close attention to the time ("It was at least an hour before dawn. Diana had plenty of time.") we can assume that she's the vampire here. Eric complains about leaving and Diana drops the bomb: "I brought you here to die." Well, at least she's honest. Eric's fangs drop a minute later and I will have to kill myself if it turns out to be a Gabri/Jessica situation. But it doesn't! Because Diana isn't a vampire at all! Turns out, she's a woman on a mission--vampires killed her cousin last summer so now she's gonna kill them all, dammit! REVENGE! Before Eric can make with the chomp-chomp, Diana grabs a discarded beach umbrella and shoves the pointy tip directly through his cold, dead heart. His skin melts away and his skeleton turns to dust. Diana stirs the dust with a stick and says "Goodbye, Eric. I had a very nice time." Ok, who agrees that Diana is kinda fucking awesome?

Part One - Party Time

We begin with (what else?) talk of pizza. Attention teens of Sandy Hollow and all surrounding areas (this means you, Shadyside!)--I swear to you, there ARE other things to eat! Make a sandwich! Or some soup! Eat a fucking salad (if you can remember what vegetables are)! *sigh* Ok, moving on. Billy Naughton, Jay Windley, Nate Stanton, and Nate's little sister, Lynette, are walking along Main Street. Billy is pointing out the various restuarants and shops because apparently his friends are either blind or illiterate and thus unable to read the signs for themselves. We quickly learn that Jay is the asshole of the group, making fun of Billy and Nate because they have to get jobs and he doesn't. "I'm going to hang out at the beach and get a killer tan. But I'll be thinking about you poor working guys all the time." I'm going to interpret that as "I begged my parents to let me get a job so I wouldn't have to hang out with them, but it looks like my summer will be spent in dusty antique stores and shitty theme restaurants after all." Jay asks them where they'll be working; Billy will be out on a boat and Nate will be on the golf course. So a pirate and a ball boy. Could be worse. They head for the beach and immediately spot a freaking flock of bats. The bats are headed to Vampire Island and Billy tells the others that the bats live in the abandoned houses there. That cracks me up...I keep picturing the bats holding dinner parties and watching crappy horror movies in the den and redecorating. Maybe there's a Martha Stewart bat.

[Insert horrifying image of Martha Bat here.]

The group walks back to the boardwalk and suddenly Lynette starts screaming "No! Let him go! Let him go! Nooo!" A group of thug-4-life bats swoop upon a poor little dog and carry it away to the island. Yes, you read that correctly--the fucking bats just kidnapped a dog. Add that to the fact that this chapter is titled "Doggie Goes Flying" and I am majorly pissed at Stine. Another animal added to the death menagerie. The boys attempt to rescue the dog, but they obviously don't care enough because the bats get away with their meal...although Billy does silently vow to kill them all before summer's end. Yawn. I've heard it all before. Less playing, more slaying!

The group decides to head home and on the way, Billy tells them those bats were vampires. Jay and Nate don't believe him and no-one cares what Lynette thinks because she's an annoying little pest. Billy realizes that his "friends" think he's insane and in an utterly misguided attempt to prove them wrong, he decides to tell them what happened last summer. Cue longwinded flashback: "I had a girlfriend last summer. Her name was Joelle. I met her the first week I was here and we spent the whole summer together. The vampires killed her. They flew from the vampire island as bats. Then they returned to their human form and killed Joelle. They drank her blood until she died. I saw the bite marks on Joelle's neck." Yeah, that sounds...credible. Jay has the audacity to suggest the marks were simply mosquito bites and Billy nearly loses his shit. Nate says that he heard about Joelle's death, but it was ruled as drowning, not vampiric draining. Jay gives Billy a shit-eating grin and at this point, I wish Billy would just punch the little fucker out, but Billy is determined DETERMINED! to prove his point: "Jay, I didn't tell you the whole story about why I missed a year of school. The reason you couldn't visit me is because I wasn't in a regular hospital. It was a mental hospital." Well, if they didn't believe you before, they'll sure as hell have to believe you now--everyone knows mental patients ALWAYS tell the truth! *sigh* Billy goes on to say he was there because of "shock trauma" due to Joelle's death. Ok, time out. I seriously doubt he would be that shaken up over her death; he barely knew her! And now he's back at Sandy Hollow to play fucking Van Helsing and avenge her?

Dear ghostwriter,

I know you hate your life. Writing shitty novels and getting absolutely no credit for it must really suck. But would it kill you to at least TRY? No wonder your life is in the toilet--you lack ambition, imagination, and a big sexy mole. As the great R.L. Stine once said "I don't have to try. But you do." So get on it or I swear I will kill your entire family.

Kisses and sunshine,
A Slightly Disgruntled Fan

Wow. I didn't realize that would be so violent. Ok, I did. You caught me. And for the record, Stine never said that "quote" above. Moving on...where was I? Oh yeah, Billy is still yapping: "I came back to find the vampires that killed Joelle-to hunt them down and destroy them." Yeah, we get it, Chatty Cathy. Why the hell are you wasting time talking about it when you could get down to actually doing i? And why do I insist on questioning fictional characters? Oh well. Billy gets pissed when Nate and Jay laugh it off so they apologize and the group heads to Main Street to scam on unsuspecting chicks (who will probably ignore them) even though they said they were going home like an hour ago.

We are now reintroduced to April Blair, the airhead from the first book that I wanted to like but couldn't, especially after she became one of those damn dirty vampires. April is hiding in the shadows like a pervert, watching two bats transform into girls on the beach. The girls begin discussing the bane of my existance--the nectar. Sweet mother of God, I had truly hoped these idiots would start referring to "the nectar" as what it actually is--BLOOD. April steps out of the shadows just to fuck with these two, making them think she's human. Just as their fangs descend, April tells them she's one of them and she's surprised they don't remember her from last year. These chicks don't give a shit about anything but their precious nectar and since April can't give it to them, they quickly lose interest in her. But they do introduce themselves. The blond is Irene and the redhead is Kylie. All three decide to go hunt for nectar. Yee-haw.

Once on Main Street, they spot three guys who look like perfect victims. Lo and behold, it's Billy and the gang. Instead of simply hypnotizing them and drinking their blood, the girls decide to seduce them, gain their trust, and THEN tear into their throats. This is nothing but a bloated plot contrivance. If these girls are so hungry, why would they waste time with seduction and such? And are they so arrogant as to think the guys will fall over themselves to get to them? Will I ever stop attempting to use logic to figure out why these idiots do the things they do? Answer: NO! Anyway, Kylie immediately pounces on Billy, Irene goes for Nate, and April is stuck with meathead Jay. And as usual, everyone ignores Lynette. April mentions that the local summer theater is putting on a play, tryouts are this week and the guys should totally try out because there's a shortage of males. The play is called "Night of the Vampire" which makes me want to blow up the planet or something. I mean, come on! April says rehearsals and such will be at night because most kids can't make it during the day due to the fact that most of them are bloodsucking fiends. The guys agree and the group starts walking along Main Street. I think Lynette may have fallen in the sewer or something...no-one has even glanced at her this entire time. And Nate is supposed to be babysitting! Best big brother EVER. Anyway, as they walk along, Kylie flirts with Billy who is so NOT interested that I can't help but laugh. Lynette, who is obviously sick of being cast aside like garbage, tells Nate she wants to go home and he has to take her because their mom wanted them back by eleven. All the guys decide to take off. Nate creams his Superman Underoos when Irene says she wants to see him again and Billy stares blankly ahead when Kylie tells him the same. Tee hee.

Once alone, the girls bitch and moan about their unholy thirst. Then, in a scene ripped directly from the first book, Kylie suggests a bet to make things more interesting. This is EXACTLY what Gabri and Jessica did in the first book and I hate that the person who wrote this couldn't have used a couple extra brain cells to come up with something slightly more original. I'm getting the sinking feeling that this book will turn out to be the first book with a few extra pages added. Anyway, since I'm sure you're dying to know what the best will be, here's Kylie to explain: "First one to turn one of those three boys into an Immortal wins." What's the prize, Irene? "I've got it. The perfect prize. At the end of the summer, the winner can have the other two boys for dessert!" How original. You're full of creativity, Irene! And by 'creativity' I mean 'shit'.

It's now time for play tryouts. I have no idea what night this is. Billy is hanging out, scoping the other kids and trying to figure out which ones are vampires. Uh, they ALL are I assume. Some chick named Ms. Aaronson introduces herself as the leader of the community theater. Jay is up first to do a reading and is surprisingly awesome. Kylie shows up *barf* and chats with Billy until Irene and April *barf* enter. They all pair off as before and take their seats. Kylie does her reading next followed by a girl named Mae-Linn Walsh who Billy finds magically delicious. When Mae-Linn finishes, she asks Billy if he wants to get a Coke after tryouts and he says yes. This will really stick it to Kylie. Yay! He tells Kylie he's going out with Mae-Linn and predictably, she gets pissed and stomps off. Yay! Ms. Aaronson begins reading off who got parts. It's over so quickly? And she decided roles that fast? Ok then. Nate, Jay, and Billy all get parts. April, Kylie, and Irene do also. Mae-Linn gets the lead which pisses Kylie off because that was the part SHE auditioned for. Yay! Billy and Mae-Linn skip off together while Kylie sits alone and hisses like some demented snake. Yay!

Billy and Mae-Linn end up on the beach of course, but Mae-Linn can't stay long. She tells Billy she'll see him tomorrow and runs off into the darkness. Billy thinks about how the summer is looking up, but he'll never NEVER forget the reason he's here. Unless he gets distracted by Mae-Linn's boobage.

Meanwhile, Irene and Nate are making out on Nate's porch swing. Cozy. Or something. Irene feels her fangs slide down and as she prepares to sink them into Nate's succulent flesh, Lynette sneaks up behind them and screams into Irene's ear. SCORE. Irene is enraged because she's jonesing for that nectar, man. Vampires get testy when they can't get their fix. Irene leaves...

Billy is inside a castle, he finds some coffins, opens one, and is nearly attacked by the vampire lurking inside. Luckily, he wakes up before that can happen. Dream sequences suck. Pun NOT intended. It's still dark outside and Billy hears someone knocking at the front door. He answers and two cops are standing there. Uh-oh. They ask if Billy saw Mae-Linn earlier because now she's missing. Don't you have to wait more than a few hours to file a missing persons...no no, I will not succumb to logic. I will allow myself to be dragged through the mud with the rest of these schmucks. The cops ask Billy to show them where he last saw Mae-Linn. They head for the beach where Billy promptly finds Mae-Linn's corpse and then vomits all over the place. He discovers bite marks on her neck and mentally pledges for the 3475858th time to destroy all vampires. Right. I'm beginning to question the integrity of the promise, Billy.

Billy is taken to the police station and thoroughly questioned before being released into the wilds of Sandy Hollow. As he walks home, he thinks about ways to destroy vampires. Fortunately, he's got all summer to figure out which kids (I guess adults are out of the question) are vampires. Nothing will happen because Billy is wasting all his fucking time brooding about REVENGE! and DESTROY! and I'M GAY FOR JAY! The vampires will continue to rule Sandy Hollow forever! Thanks for nothing, Billy.

April is waiting for Irene and Kylie on the beach. They show up as bats and make their transformation. They immediately start arguing, Irene accusing Kylie of killing Mae-Linn and Kylie claiming she wasn't even at the beach last night. I'm pretty sure you were...I think it's against the law in this town to NOT go to the beach every stinking night. April calms them down and conversation from there is pretty dull: Irene killed a dog for its blood and April is making progress with Jay and is confident she'll win the bet.

The next night, Billy calls Jay who has been sleeping all day which, as we know, means he's becoming one of the undead. Congrats! Billy hangs up and feels uneasy because Joelle too was very tired last summer and looks where she ended up. Billy slams his fist down on the desk and angrily proclaims "I won't let them have Jay. I won't let them claim another friend." Dude, save it. You haven't done shit to stop them so far and I doubt you ever will. So go hit the bong and chill out. Instead of smoking some sweet hash, Billy decides to walk to Nate's house so they can walk to play rehearsal together. People are dying, but God forbid we forget about the play! Once at Nate's Lynette leaps out of the bushes and scares the crap out of Billy. Someone please pay attention to this poor neglected child. Where the hell are the parents in this town? Probably over in Shadyside getting tips on how to ignore and neglect their children like the pros do. BURN.

Billy and Nate head to rehearsal where everyone is all abuzz about Mae-Linn's murder. Nate spots Irene and runs off like the brainless lap dog he's become, leaving Billy alone. But don't worry--he isn't alone for long because Kylie comes skipping up. She seems pretty happy and is even more so after Ms. Aaronson announces that she'll be taking the lead role since Mae-Linn had to go off and die so suddenly. To let everyone know she gives a damn, Ms. Aaronson says that play is dedicated to Mae-Linn. Ok then. Kylie and Billy take the stage and Ms. Aaronson says "Begin from the beginning." Looks like we've got another genius on our hands, folks. Billy and Kylie begin and Billy freaks out when Kylie goes for his throat. She pulls back and yanks her plastic fangs from her mouth. Ms. Aaronson obviously thought it was part of the act because she simply goes on to the next scene. This is an extremely shoddy production.

After rehearsal, Billy, Kylie, Irene, Nate, April, and Jay decide to hang out at the arcade. They head for the door, but some psychotic teenage boy blocks their way, pointing at April and screaming "I remember you!" Turns out he's just some kid she knows from Shadyside. So why the hell was he acting like such a spaz? Oh well. April ends up leaving with him and the rest of the group heads for Main Street. Halfway there, Jay says he's gotta go home and sleep. Billy catches up to him to check his neck for bites and Jay flips out and basically tells him to fuck off because there's no such thing as vampires. He leaves and Billy returns to the group which now isn't a group at all--Nate and Irene have left. Billy and Kylie have some weird staring contest and when Billy breaks her gaze, he realizes they're standing in front of the Old Atlantic Chowder House and he has no idea how they got there. So he says "Uh...want some chowder?" Could this book possibly get any worse? Don't answer that. They go in, look at menus, and leave about two seconds later because Kylie says she isn't hungry. *sigh* Then why the hell did you say yes when he asked you if you wanted chowder? Go play in traffic, Kylie.

She and Billy go to the beach where Billy stops to scrape "beach tar" off his sandals. What the bloody hell is beach tar? I hate this book. Seriously. Why does it have to be so crappy? Someone might read this post and challenge me to do better and dammit, I COULD do better! A fucking MONKEY could do better! Ok, I'm calming now...where was I? Billy has finished with his beach tar and he and Kylie decide to walk on the shore for no other reason than to accumulate more tar. *sigh* Suddenly two bats swoop down and begin clawing at Billy who fruitlessly seeks shelter. Kylie beats at the bats until they fly away and Billy is embarrassed because his woman had to defend him. Kylie says it would be fun to row to the vampire island and they run off to find a rowboat. They run into Nate and Irene and Kylie stays to talk while Billy goes for the boat. They begin rowing and I really don't understand why they're going to this island that is overrun with BATS when Billy just whined like a little girl at the sight of only two. The last line of the chapter comes from Billy's diseased brain: "Am I going to regret this?" YES!

Part Two - Billy's Quest

Billy's Quest sounds like some shitty video game you can get out of a bin for like three bucks at the dollar store. And I'm sure the rest of this book will be just like that shitty game. Only shittier. (Normally, I apologize for my anger and excessive cursing as a result of that anger because I feel like I should at least TRY to find something positive about these books, but when it comes to this one, I just can't control the hostility.) And here;s another complaint (this entire post is basically one giant complaint. Wow.): what is the freaking point of dividing this book into two parts? It serves no purpose whatsoever. I don't need a page that says Billy's Quest to let me know that Billy is questing (or whatever the hell you call crossing ten feet of ocean in a damned rowboat. I wouldn't exactly call that a quest. More like Billy's Five Second Row to the Seventh Circle of Hell.) I have completely lost track of what the hell is going on and I'm afraid to think about it because my head might explode.

Kylie and Billy make it to the island and Billy is scared and Kylie laughs at him then disappears into the darkness. A second later, a gigantic wolf pounces. Billy ends up stabbing it with a charred table leg he found on the ground. When it doesn't bleed, Billy knows it isn't a regular wold. Although it doesn't bleed, it does die. Ok then. Billy races off to find Kylie and finds her sitting on a hill. Damn. I was hoping SHE was the wolf. Billy drags her to the place where he killed the wolf, but it's gone. OF COURSE it is. Billy wants to leave, but Kylie insists he sit with her for a bit. They make out a little and Billy becomes dizzy and hypnotized. He manages to break the love spell and drags Kylie to the boat so they can get the hell out of dodge.

When they get to shore, Kylie screams and Billy comes running. "Not Jay! Please not Jay!" Shut up, Billy, it's really NOT Jay. It's that crazy kid that April left with earlier, may he rest in peace. Billy realizes the kid (whose name is Rick) was completely drained of blood and immediately blames April. Great.

The next night, we get more pizza. No comment. Billy meets the entire gang at the Pizza Cove and they call discuss the most recent body found on the beach. Billy notices that Jay is looking particularly shitty with his bloodshot eyes and sleepy demeanor. That doesn't mean he's transforming into a bloodthirsty demon of the night. I think he's simply got a case of cannibis. *wink wink* Billy spends the entire time thinking about vampires, trying to convince the others that vampires are real, and getting angry when everyone laughs at him. When will he learn? Nate and Irene leave to go dancing *snort* and Billy shoves a slice of pizza in April's face in an effort to force her to eat it. She refuses of course and Billy is now even more certain she's a vampire. And I'm even more certain that Billy needs to put up or shut up.

Part Three - Billy & Kylie

Do we really need three parts? REALLY? I hope 'Billy and Kylie' means that Billy is finally going to kill Kylie. Because I've had to sit through 117 pages of Billy swearing he's gonna KILL! KILL! KILL! and literally nothing has happened. Anyway, it's the next night and Kylie and Irene are on top of a mountain. Just kidding--they're on the beach. This book is causing me to develop a grudge against all beaches everywhere...and the vampires that possible inhabit them. The girls are talking about Nate and Billy. Then they stop to rip out a sea gull's throat and drink it's blood. Disgusting much?

While the sea gull is being eviscerated, Billy is at home on the phone with Jay trying to convince him that he's in danger. Predictably, Jay scoffs and tells Billy he's insane just before hanging up on him. Billy makes his way to Main Street where he finds Nate and Irene hanging out in the arcade. They're making out and get pretty pissed when Billy interrupts sexy fun time to ask if they know where Jay and April might be. Billy spouts off some forgettable crap about vampires and turns away as if to leave. He spots Lynette playing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game (she's Donatello) and some weirdo dressed in black is hanging around her. Billy completely freaks out because that guy is EVIL! He's a vampire! NOOOOOO! Memo: shut the hell up, Billy. He spins around in time to see Jon the vampire drag Lynette out a side door. I think we all saw that one coming. That's what happens when you ignore the children: they get kidnapped by perverted vampires. Billy runs outside to rescue Lynette since Nate cares more about possibly getting laid than whether or not his little sister gets killed. Nice one. Billy spots Lynette lying motionlessly on the ground with Jon hovering nearby. Billy gets closer and realizes that Jon is the vampire that murdered Joelle...he thought he killed Jon, but apparently he failed miserably. The two battle and Jon eventually gets fed up, turning into a bat and flopping away. Nate and Irene come running up on a scene that doesn't look too good for Billy; Nate automatically assumes Billy hurt Lynette. NOW he cares! Where were you ten minutes ago, jackass? Lynette wakes up, but she can't remember anything, leaving Billy to babble like an idiot about vampires blah blah blah. Nate tells him to go back to the mental hospital. Ouch. Billy makes the mistake of saying Lynette can't remember anything because Jon clouded her mind. Nate gets pissed and punches him in the jaw. Guess that shut him up.

Billy is wandering around town the next evening. He goes down to the beach because he has no imagination and takes his shoes off. Beware the beach tar! It's incredibly foggy so he doesn't see Kylie until she's directly in front of him. They walk together until Kylie stops and proclaims her true feelings...for the fog at least: "I love the fog." The fog is pressing her buttons so she grabs Billy and starts sucking at his face like he's a giant lollipop. Billy pulls away because all he can think about is Jay which serves as further proof that he's totally gay for Jay. Plus, this chapter is titled "Kisses For Jay". Yeah, I did the math. Speaking of Jay, he's sitting on the beach being entranced by the fog and the kisses of a girl (or perhaps Billy) that he can't see. Oh, and he's being bitten/ Can't forget that...how I wish I could. Back to Billy. What's he doing now? If you guessed "Wandering aimlessly along Main Street while brooding like a character straight out of an Anne Rice novel" you're correct! And you need to get away from your computer NOW. Stop reading this! You're getting sucked in! Fight it, dammit! Ok, I'm calm now. Mostly. Anyway, I've got about 60 pages of this crap left and I've gotta say, I'm not too excited. In fact, I would like to stuff every page of this this book in the shredder and murder the author. Where were we? Oh yeah. Billy. Billy needs to shut the fuck up. Seriously. I was over his idiotic ramblings about 50 pages ago. For all his talk of revenge...well, I have seen ZERO evidence of Billy getting any REVENGE!

Billy heads to Jay's house for some sweet lovemaking down by the fire. Actually, that would be a lot more interesting that what really happens. What really happens? A whole lot of nothing. It's the same fucking routine: Billy says Jay has fallen victim to a vampire, Jay says there's no such thing, and Billy desperately tries to think of a way to convince him. Boring. Billy exposes Jay's neck and spots two tiny bite marks, but Jay insists those are bug bites. This leads to a lover's quarrel and Billy storms out. I swear, this has happened 500 times already. The same scene! *sigh* As soon as Billy leaves, he runs into that stupid wench Kylie. She says there's a barbeque on the beach and they should go.

The next chapter is titled 'Billy's Big Night'. Does he lose his virginity? Eradicate beach tar for good? Finally kill a damn vampire? The suspense is killing me! Almost literally. It's now the next night so I guess we don't get highlights from the narbeque. Darn. NOT. April is sitting alone on the beach waiting for Kylie and Irene to show up so they can "compare notes" on the bet. Status report: April is almost done with Jay, Irene can't get Nate alone because the awesome Lynette is always hanging around, Kylie plans on making tonight "Billy's big night", and I have begun to cry tears of blood. *sigh*

Part Four - Vampire Trap

Quit with the parts!!! FOUR parts? FOUR? WHY? You have no reason, dear author, other than to torture me! HATE! It's now time for another rousing play rehearsal. As soon as Jay walks in, he spots Billy and quickly informs him "Don't even talk to me. I don't want to hear any more talk about vampires--unless you're talking about the play." Billy sputters as Jay walks off and thinks about how he can't give up. This kid is clueless. I don't understand why he's wasting his time trying to convince everyone that vampires are real instead of killing the stupid things. Not only would that be more productive, it would be a LOT more entertaining. Alas, the author of this book didn't desire to be entertaining. He only wanted to wound us and rub salt in those bloody wounds. *sob* Moving on...mercifully, we don't get a play-by-play of the rehearsal. When it's time for everyone to leave, Kylie and Billy walk out together. She wants to run lines (did you not just finish that? Idiot.) and tells Billy to run back to the theater for his script. In a scene that is actually creepy (SHOCK!) Billy finds the theater completely dark. He stumbles around in the darkness for a bit and stops when he hears shuffling noises. He finally turns the lights on, but sees no-one. He makes his way to the stage...where he finds Ms. Aaronson's corpse stuffed under some scenery. Of course she was drained blah blah blah bite marks and such. Billy turns and spies April standing in the shadows. She gags like the body repulses her, but Billy knows better. He says he's calling the cops and when he returns, she acts like a victim and begs him to hold her. Puke!

Three days later, Billy, Nate, and Jay are walking along the beach. Nate mentions that he has the condo to himself because his parents and Lynette have gone home. Further proof that Nate's parents are complete shit. On what planet is leaving your teenage son alone with your beach house a good idea? And they probably dumped Lynette on the side of the road somewhere. Anyway! Nate leaves to meet Irene and Billy immediately starts gabbing about vampires. We all know the drill so I won't bore you with details of Jay's anger and Billy's uetter stupidity. Billy says he can prove to Jay that April is a vampire and Jay agrees to see this through. They turn and April is standing there, but it doesn't seem as if she heard anything. She invites them to a clambake before leaving and Jay threatens to kill Billy is he ruins things between him and April. Whatever.

The next night, the gang is gathered around a bonfire and eating their precious clams. Billy isn't focused on the clams or the fire or the six foot tall pyramid of empty soda cans. He's thinking about slaying April. Good! At about 3 am, it starts pouring rain and they all run for shelter in the theater. They head for the basement because Billy says it will be warmer there although that seems...off. Billy's goal is to keep April there until sunrise. And he manages to, but absolutely nothing happens when he exposes her to the sun. Have I mentioned that I hate this book? There are only about 30 pages left and so far, only a few innocent animals have died. Jay gets pissed at Billy, but April tells them not to fight because she's only been PRETENDING to be a vampire. What? She goes on to say "My name isn't April. It's Diana. Diana Devlin. April Blair was my cousin. My cousin and my best friend. She came here last summer. The vampires got her. They turned her into one of them. April confided in me. She knew she could trust me." Diana goes on to explain how April returned to Shadyside as a vampire and how she loathed herself so much that she allowed herself to be burned to a crisp in the sun. So painfully convoluted.

Diana says she came back this summer to kill as many vampires as possible and we know from the prologue that she's already begun which is more than I can say for SOME people *cough* Billy *cough*. Speaking of Billy, he points to the wounds on Jay's throat and asks how they got there. Diana says she suspects Kylie has been clouding his mind and digging in. She and Billy decide to go to Vampire Island the next day to eliminate Kylie and Irene. And it only took you fools 190 pages to do so! You're both virtually worthless.

So the next day, they find themselves on the island. They decide to split up with Diana heading for a tiny cottage and Billy to a larger house. He finds nothing and leaves soon after, following a trail into the woods until he reaches a wall of vines. He manages to get through and sees a large house on the other side. Assuming this is where the vampires are sleeping, Billy hurries inside. He comes upon a circle of coffins and wonders if he has enough time to kill them all. Just do it! Dammit, Billy! Unfortunately, Billy took too damn much time deliberating and now Kylie and Irene are awake. He manages to stake Irene (cheers!) and Diana comes in then, rips a board off the covered window, and Kylie is dust (yay!). Ok, those two are dead and that's great, but there are other coffins....where the hell are the other vampires? It kills me to say it...MORE VAMPIRES!

To celebrate, the two go to Pizza Cove because pizza sustains most life forms around here. Billy offers to slice the pizza and accidentally cuts himself...but there's no blood. No. No, no, no, and NO. I fucking REFUSE to buy this! Billy, say it ain't so! "I'm sorry you saw that. Let me explain. I lied about working on a charter boat. During the day, I'm asleep in my coffin. Direct sunlight will kill me. I can go out in daylight only if it's dark and cloudy--like when we went to the island and killed Kylie and Irene. I missed a whole year of school. My friends all thought I was in a hospital. But I had to sleep in a coffin everyday." You have got to fucking be kidding me. It's like the writer pulled this out of his ass at the last minute in a feeble attempt to make up for the weakness of the rest of the book. Billy goes on to say that he killed Mae-Linn and he's sorry, but he now has to kill Diana because he needs the nectar. The book ends with everybody in the restaurant screaming as Billy sinks his teeth into Diana's throat.

Conclusion? I fucking hate this book. This is one of the absolute WORST Fear Street novels ever. It lacks action, a clear plot, likable characters, and there is no REVENGE! to be found (no, I'm not counting Kylie and Irene's murders because those were too tame and treated almost as an afterthought.) It's basically page after page of Billy wondering who's a vampire even though he obviously knew all along because he turned out to be one himself! Don't even get me started on that shitty cop-out of an ending. *sigh* I'm going to use the pages of this book to line my cat's litter box.

Next time: "Double Date" It's time to get away from the supernatural and return to our roots--psychopathic teenage murderers, baby!

Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns (Goosebumps #48)

PUMPKIN POWER! Nothing beats Halloween. It's Drew Brockman's favorite holiday. And this year will be awesome. Much better ...