Monday, May 14, 2012
Anything for a sister.
Abby would do anything to be in the school's most exclusive sorority. And now she's got the chance. Because the sorority sisters have asked her to join them. All Abby has to do is get through the initiation. That might be a problem. Because this year, the initiation is going to be.... Murder.
Abby is totally disgusted by her sister Gabriella's refusal to join the Tri Gammas, Rockland State's most EXCLUSIVE sorority. Aren't you impressed?! Don't you think Gabriella is a stupid slut for not joining?! Let's all hold hands and jump off a cliff! HUZZAH! Anyway, the girls fuss with each other over the stupid sorority thing. The fight ends with Abby calling Gabriella "inhuman". Tee hee. Gabriella leaves and Abby's mother enters the room. She doesn't want Abby to move to that silly old sorority house because she won't be cozy in mother's nest anymore. Lady, your daughter is unhinged. For the sake of your health, LET HER GO. Just before Abby leaves for the campus, her mother asks her if she'll be able to handle it if she doesn't get into the sorority. "Mother - stop. They're not going to reject me. I'm going to get in - no matter what." Uh-oh.
Abby takes a bus to the campus where she hurries to the Tri Gam house. She sees a girl named Leila Sherman enter before her. Abby is horrified because this chick stole her boyfriend Gordon last year. I think. Close enough. Abby enters the house and is disappointed to find that it looks more like a grandma's house than a "vibrant, sparkling new world." Is she serious? Yes. Yes, she is. One of the Tri Gams greets her at the door in a green jumpsuit and a chunk of green crap stuck in her teeth to match. Abby gets a name tag and goes upstairs to a room where the other pledges are. She talks to a girl she knows named Nina who used to be close friends with, but Abby decided Nina was too childish for her and they drifted apart. Abby finds out that Nina and Leila are roommates and Leila is still dating the magnificent Gordon who probably isn't worth the dirt he walks on. The conversation gets painfully awkward and Nina goes back to her seat. A few moments later, Leila comes over to Abby, all smiles. "Hey, Abby. What a shock! Hi!" Phony. As. Hell.
The group of pledges sit down to listen to Andrea Volner, the president of the Tri Gams, give a speech. Instead of paying attention to the perfect (and perfectly blond) Andrea, Abby thinks about Gordon and Leila. A year ago, Abby and Leila were actually best friends...and that's all we get. Just tell us what happened! Did Abby find Gordon the magical unicorn and Leila in a compromising position, creating flaming passion with their dry lips (literally--those things are like fucking matchsticks)? I almost don't want to know because the truth will be much less interesting than what I've conjured in my sordid imagination. SORDID! Back to the meeting. A girl named Jessie comes running in late and Rebecca, the girl sitting next to Abby, says "I don't believe it. Look at her. She didn't exactly dress up. She's wearing jeans--and they're not even 501s!" Classic. Abby looks down her snooty nose to examine Jessie: red-framed glasses, messy hair, baggy jeans, and a sweatshirt that "only emphasized that she had a definite weight problem." Abby is absolutely shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, that this girl would even attempt to be a Tri Gam! Glasses and a weight problem? Why doesn't she just kill herself?!? Rebecca says that Jessie's older sister was a Tri Gam so Jessie was automatically pledged. Andrea tells the group that only 10 of them will pledge and only 5 will make it as full members. Then she gets all mysterious *cue the fog machine* and tells them the pledges will have to commit a crime to prove their loyalty to the Tri Gams. OoOo.
Later, Abby meets with Nina at a coffee shop and they talk about this crime business. Abby thinks it's bullshit, but Nina is taking it pretty seriously for whatever reason. Unfortunately, the conversation turns to the hideous ones, Gordon and Leila. Nina seems unaware of how sick Leila makes Abby. She says Gordon is bad for Leila because he likes to make sweet love to her in his car where just anyone could see them. Seriously. Just as Nina realizes that Abby doesn't want to hear this and starts apologizing profusely, Jessie bounds up like a bespectacled jackrabbit and takes a seat. She introduces herself and goes on about how excited she is about the big crime she'll have to commit. Jessie views the whole thing as a "wild adventure" and obviously has never heard the words "conviction" or "prison" or "Big Ugly Bertha has a shank with your name on it". Nina and Abby leave a moment later and laugh their skinny asses off at Jessie because she's weird and honestly thinks she'll become a Tri Gam. These two have the personalities of heaping piles of pig shit so I'm not really sure why they think they have the right to laugh at Jessie...
After leaving the coffee shop, Nina goes back to the dorm room she shares with Leila who is waiting for her and seems a little pissed because she's late. Nina tells her old lady where she was and that doesn't go over too well. Leila says Abby is her enemy because she (Leila) hurt her by stealing Gordon. "Abby was so upset when Gordon-when Gordon decided he liked me better-her mother had to take her out of school for a year." Are you kidding me? How could this Gordon douche be so incredible that Abby couldn't do anything for a year? Unless Gordon shits diamonds and can turns rocks into gold nuggets, I'm not seeing his allure. Anyway, Leila says she got Nina a present and tosses her a leather case. Leila tells her it's binoculars so she can better spy on Gordon and Leila. Leila accuses her of being jealous. "You're just jealous. Why don't you just admit it? You've never had a boyfriend, have you? Have you?!" Nina says she doesn't have to answer that and Leila replies that one of them has to leave because she isn't rooming with a spy. Nina wants to work it out, but Leila just slams out of the room like the crazy, whiny baby she is.
When Abby gets home, all the lights in her house are out. She flicks one on and finds Gabriella sitting there in the dark like some weirdo. She wants to know how the meeting went, but Abby just wants to go to bed. Gabriella asks about the crime, but Abby doesn't answer, goes to her room, and wonders how Gabriella knew about that. Unfortunately, Abby finds Gordon waiting in her room. He climbed through the window to visit the one girl who hates him more than anything. Supposedly. For some reason, I thought Gordon was going to be all preppy, but he's wearing ragged, torn jeans, a greasy sweatshirt, and has long dirty hair. "He still looks like Sean Penn, Abby decided. A big, unwashed Sean Penn." Yeah...if Sean Penn lived in a dumpster behind the 7-11. Gordon came through the window to apologize for leaving Abby for her former best friend. "Last year, I was just immature, I guess." You GUESS? Why wait until a year later to bring this up? In fact, why bring it up at all? Gordon's so-called "apology" is basically a way to rub salt in Abby's wounds. Abby responds by making out with him. DAMMIT.
A week later, the Tri Gams board a bus that takes them to their first stop on the way to becoming semi-hardened criminals. "The house, set back in the woods at the end of Dune Road, could have been the setting of The Amityville Horror or some other horror movie." Yes, it's an old, creepy, isolated house complete with gnarled trees, ghostly shadows, and some meddling kids who have been here since the '60s.
Abby notices how Leila keeps giving Nina really evil, hateful looks and she wonders if they're having roomate problems. She never thinks it might have something to do with that parasite Gordon. Anyway, the big house isn't so creepy on the inside. "It was well lit and cheerfully decorated with surprisingly modern, comfortable-looking furniture. And it was warm and dry." Warm-dry cheerful modern furniture won't stop the horror to come! (Please let there be horror.) Andrea pulls out a list of room assignments and in a twist we all saw coming, Abby and Leila will be roommates. Abby thinks it'll be ok because it's only for a few nights, but of course she's kidding herself. I hope...
The next day, Andrea takes the girls for a tour of the town and tells them "Memorize everything. Your life may depend on it." Such dramatics. They go into Driftwood Antiques for the first step in the crime they're going to be forced to commit. Andrea lies and tells the old lady minding the shop, Mrs. Driftwood (that's actually her name), that they're cheerleaders from Pennsylvania and they're here to admire the jewelry. When the woman goes in back to answer the phone, Andrea tells the girls "There's the side entrance. And there's the cash register. Memorize everything. Everything." She says they'll be coming back tomorrow for the jewelry and money in the register. So they're going to rob a little old lady who runs an antique store in a nearly dead town and probably has next to zero dollars in the register? Andrea, you are truly a piece of shit for coming up with this plan and forcing these feeble minded girls to go along with it. I hope the old lady meets them at the door with a fully loaded shotgun and I hope she's wearing ALL the jewels.
Later, Abby and Nina are at the house, hanging out in the living room. Nina tells Abby not to trust Leila who walks into the room a moment later and pretends not to see them, sitting next to two other girls instead. Nina tells Abby about her fight with Leila and Abby realizes that Leila is a piece of crap and she never wants to be friends with her again. Was that not obvious from the very beginning? Andrea enters the room and announces it's time for a meeting. She talks about the plan for tomorrow and Leila asks what will happen if they screw it up. Andrea says they won't because that has never happened before and the crimes always go unsolved. Just because other girls didn't muck up doesn't mean this batch won't. Andrea shows them a silver pistol to prove this shit is really happening. After she finishes describing what they'll do tomorrow, a girl named Ruby speaks up and says she's not doing it. She wants to call a friend to pick her up, but Andrea says there's no phone so Ruby will have to wait at the house until it's time for everybody to leave. They pull straws to see who will have to carry the pistol the next day and Nina gets the short one. "No! No!" YES.
A short while later, Abby and Leila are in their room when motherf*&!ing Gordon taps at the window. He climbs inside and Abby gets all excited and tries to hug him, but he walks right past her to Leila. Ouch. Leila is horrified that he's here and suspicious of the way Abby greeted him. Abby is embarrassed and just wants to die. Gordon is oblivious to everything because he's a moron.
The next morning, Nina is freaking out because she's the one who has to carry the gun and hold up an old woman. Nina seems to be the only girl who truly believes this is more than just an elaborate joke. All Abby cares about is Gordon and how she embarrassed herself the night before. WHO CARES? Gordon is a stupid creep and Leila is a piece of dried out dog shit. Why does Abby care what either of them think of her? Anyway, Andrea comes in and it's time to leave. On the bus, Abby overhears Andrea tell Nina that the gun is loaded with blanks which, to Nina, confirms all this is a joke...unless Andrea is lying. GASP! When they arrive at Driftwood Antiques, Andrea tells them it should only take a few minutes and she'll be waiting outside for them. She's not even going to watch the foolishness she's wrought? I really don't like you, Andrea. You should be forced to watch the look of horror on the old lady's face when she realizes she's being robbed at gunpoint. Maybe that would make you at least a little ashamed of your dumbass self. So the girls go inside, Nina points the gun at Mrs. Driftwood, and immediately chickens out. Jessie grabs the gun and takes charge. Shortly after, Mrs. Driftwood has a heart attack and dies. "She's dead. We've killed her." Have a nice guilt.
All Andrea can say is "This wasn't in the script. It wasn't in the script." Screw your script! They're back at the house and no-one called 911 at the shop because Andrea wants to "regroup" first. No-one gives a damn about Mrs. Driftwood. They're all too worried about getting caught. Andrea shocks them all by saying she never went inside so she won't be to blame even though the entire thing was HER idea. She says she's going to find a phone to call the police and she'll support the girls the best she can. Total bitch. Everyone starts arguing and Jessie ends up telling Andrea to sit her ass down because she isn't going anywhere. Andrea says they should all go to their rooms for now and they'll meet up again at 3PM to decide what to do. Ok, these people are truly idiotic. The woman died of a heart attack. She's not covered in stab wounds or full of bullet holes so no-one would ever think she was murdered. She wasn't murdered! What these fools did was cruel and ridiculous, but they didn't technically kill her. So why the hell won't anyone call 911?!?! GAHHHHH!
Abby takes the nearly hysterical Nina to her room where Leila tells Nina that the entire thing has to be a joke and Mrs. Driftwood is probably just acting. Nina feels better, but Jessie comes in and says it's NOT a joke and Mrs. Driftwood IS dead because she herself examined her. Thank you, Doctor Doofus. Nina goes to her own room to cry alone and Jessie leaves which means Abby is alone with Leila who has a bone to pick. "There's something going on between you and Gordon, isn't there!" You just watched a woman die and all you want to talk about is Gordon? Kill me now. Abby pretends she doesn't know what Leila is talking about, but Leila saw how she acted when Gordon showed up. Leila says she doesn't feel that bad about dating Gordon because it was his decision to leave Abby for her. I just...I just really don't care about any of this. Leila flips out two seconds later and screams "You stay away from Gordon!" I think it would be in everyone's best interest if Gordon would just go ahead and drop dead. Abby retaliates by screaming "Don't you threaten me! Don't you ever threaten me!" and throwing a container of blush at Leila. That pretty much takes the fight out of Leila and she leaves the room to check on Nina.
A few moments later, Abby is shocked when Gabriella enters the room. She says it wasn't too hard to figure out where the girls were staying and she's very vague about why she came at all. She leaves the room and Abby sits in front of the mirror to draw all over her face with red lipstick, one of the many habits of the truly insane.
Nina and Jessie are talking on the porch when they hear a gunshot and see a man running through the weeds. If you guessed it's Gordon, dear, you would be correct. But it's 3 PM and Jessie and Nina have to meet up with the other girls so they don't think anymore about it. A storm has blown in and two girls argue over who should close an open window against the rain. Because that's worthy of an argument. *sigh* Everyone realizes Andrea is nowhere to be seen. They go upstairs and she's lying on the floor in a pool of blood, dead. "She's been shot!" Bad little Gordon! They go back downstairs and the storm causes the lights to go out so the girls light candles and argue about whether to go out into the storm to find a phone. Then Abby announces that one of them must be a killer, but Nina speaks up, says it has to be Gordon, and explains what she saw and heard earlier. Then they hear someone banging on the door. OF COURSE it's Gordon and the moment he enters the house, Nina starts screaming that he killed Andrea. He says he didn't kill her and he was only running off because he didn't want anyone knowing he snuck in the night before. Abby says he was there to see her and was with her all night *wink wink*. Gordon says that's a lie and he was there to see Leila. Jessie finally interrupts and says she's locking Gordon in on the bedrooms upstairs just to be safe until they can get help.
Leila is now sitting in the kitchen drinking tea and thinking about what she always thinks about (rhymes with 'schmordon'). She decides she needs to go talk to Abby, but when she goes into their room, Abby turns and says "I'm not Abby. I'm Gabriella." According to Leila, Abby doesn't have a sister. Apparently this is what happened to Abby when Gordon broke up with her for Leila. She went completely and created another identity for herself. Gabriella is the bad side of Abby, the one who takes care of business if you know what I'm saying. Gabriella is not too happy with Leila. Gabriella thinks Leila should pay for hurting Abby. Gabriella has a gun...
Nina is in the living room bemoaning the shithole that her life has become and thinking about her home and how she doesn't wanna room with Leila anymore. A second later, she looks down and sees a phone cord. She tells the others and they find that the cord is plugged into a jack, but there's no phone to be found. Then they all hear a scream.
Gabriella has forced Leila into the basement at gunpoint. She's prepared to shoot her in the face, but Gordon interrupts. Gabriella says she has plenty of bullets, enough to kill both Leila AND Gordon. What a peach. Gordon leaps at Gabriella for the gun, a shot is fired, and Leila screams. The other girls come running at the sounds and find Gabriella and Gordon rolling on the floor and fighting to get the gun (while Leila stands by and does nothing), but Nina goes over and grabs the gun before either of them can. She tells Gordon to get away from Abby and he does. He runs to Leila and Abby looks at them and says with a smile on her face "I'll kill you, Leila. I'll kill you." And no-one would blame you, precious. "I killed Andrea. And I killed Mrs. Driftwood." Well, now, that's a different story. After she says that, Andrea and Mrs. Driftwood appear at the top of the stairs. They're very much alive and Andrea tells the girls the game is over and they're all Tri Gams now. I can't imagine any of them give a damn about that after all the crap they've been through. Nina tells Andrea that she is disappointed and ashamed about everything and her first task as a Tri Gam is to stop the horrible shit Andrea puts pledges through every year. Leila tells Andrea that Abby's mind is broken and someone needs to call for help. At this point, all Abby can do is repeat "I'm not Abby. I'm Gabriella." Leila cries and says it's all her fault that Abby is this way right after Jessie confesses that she was in on the whole thing. An ambulance arrives for Abby and Leila and Gordon go upstairs. She says she doesn't want to be a Tri Gam and Gordon thinks she's TWISTED for quitting after all this hell. Shut up, Gordon. I mean it, dammit. Anyway, Abby/Gabriella is taken away, presumably to be locked away in a padded cell for many months to come. The other girls will probably have a lifetime of therapy to look forward to. And all for a stupid sorority prank. I think I'm gonna puke...
Conclusion?: If I ever come across anyone named Gordon, I will kick him in the balls SO hard.
Next time: "The New Girl" The very first Fear Street book. 1989 was the year for Fear.