Sunday, January 18, 2009

Cheerleaders: The Third Evil

* Damn. That chick looks broke down. *

Book Description:

Did the evil spirit really leave Kimmy's body? The cheerleaders of Shadyside High can still feel its dark presence and Corky knows that it is out there, somewhere close. And getting closer. Corky is tormented night after night by dreams of her dead sister, Bobbi. What terrifying message is Bobbi trying to tell her? When the evil begins again--more horrible, more gruesome than ever--Corky knows it is up to her to learn the century-old secrets and destroy the evil spirit's power for good. But so many have died already--will Corky be next?

My Description:

Part One - Team Spirit

The cheerleaders are at practice when Miss Green blows her whistle and signals for them to stop. She tells Hannah Miles, a freshman, to show the veteran cheerleaders how it's done. Oh I'm sure they looooooove that. Hannah is all too happy to show off her skills and the other girls just stand by rolling their eyes. No-one likes being shown up, after all, especially by someone younger and less experienced. Corky thinks to herself about the fact that she's jealous of Hannah. That thought somehow leads to thoughts of the murders of the last two books. What am I saying? EVERYTHING is centered on the murders in these books! It's all about the evil, baby. Miss Green's voice breaks Corky out of her thoughts and the girls start their cheer. You bet your sweet ass I'm posting it:

Tigers, let's score!
Six points and more!
Tigers, let's score!
Six points and more!

And it repeats itself over and over again. My brain pretty much shuts down when I read these things. Corky can't help but notice how much Hannah is showing off with her bad ass moves. After the cheer ends, Miss Green praises Hannah but basically ignores everyone else which pisses the others off. Tee hee. Girls can be so very catty.

After practice, most of the girls head to The Corner to talk trash about Hannah. They're interrupted when the waitress comes to take orders. Kimmy and Ronnie get burgers and Cokes, Debra gets fries and a chocolate milkshake, and all the girls gag when they see that Corky orders split pea soup. I hate going to a restaurant and ordering something that I love but everyone else around me hates and they all give a resounding "EWW!" Anyway, the conversation turns back to the weather...uh, I mean HANNAH. They wonder if she's dating anyone and Kimmy says she saw Hannah and Gary Brandt at the mall Saturday. Gary is truly the village bicycle--everybody's had a ride. What a slut. He should've gotten his own book. The girls start discussing their upcoming Spring Break which will be spent at cheer camp. Ooo evil goes to camp. This should be good. You all know how much I love camp stories. The camp will be at Madison College and the girls will be rooming together in a dorm. I feel a cat fight coming on. How could anyone stand living with Kimmy even for a week?! And now we get the obligatory mention of the evil. Kimmy says "I can't stop thinking about it. I keep thinking, what if the evil is still around? What if it's still INSIDE me?" Just tell it to move out. *sigh* If only it were that easy. Suddenly, Corky's soup starts bubbling and rises up into a green soupy tornado. The girls quickly get away from the table and the soup loses it's thunder and plops all over the floor. Wow. As everybody stares in shock, the girls creep out of the restaurant without even paying for that evil soup or their burgers or anything. Assholes. Corky realizes that the evil was right at their table which means that it's inhabiting one of these girls. Which one will it be this time? I call Debra.

Debra and Ronnie go home, but Corky and Kimmy go to Corky's house and somehow end up at the cemetery because Corky can't go a single day without checking in with her dead sister. Kimmy makes sure that this visit is short and drags Corky back home. They sit on the porch and discuss the soup incident and Kimmy once again confesses that she's afraid the evil is still within her. She really has no way of knowing if it is or not. Corky says she is sure the evil is not in Kimmy; after all, she saw it go down the drain. Yeah, we all remember that night. Nekkid cheerleader wrestling evil spirit is not something you soon forget! I really hope the twist isn't that the evil is still in Kimmy. Kimmy is evil enough without it. Kimmy finally goes home and Corky goes inside. She calls out "Anyone home?" but no-one answers. She goes into the laundry room, picks up a stack of her freshly washed clothes, and heads upstairs to put them away. Corky finds a nasty surprise in her room: "Lying in her bed, tucked under the covers, was the hideous, bloated head of a corpse." Home sweet home. If you guessed that this is another one of Sean's stupid jokes, you WIN! He made the head out of "papier-mache" in art class so I'm having trouble with the fact that Corky honestly thought a kid's art project was a REAL decapitated head.

That night, Bobbi floats into Corky's room. Dear Lord. Bobbi tries to tell Corky something, but no words come out of her crusty lips. She floats toward Corky in a mist of fog and blue light. Then she pulls off the top of her own head. She forces Corky to look inside her skull. Squirming inside are thousands of cockroaches. Gross! Thank goodness this was all a dream. Have I mentioned how much I fucking HATE dream sequences??? It's just too damn bad that Stine uses them constantly in every single book he has ever written. The man is unable to write a book without a dream! Corky sits up in bed, throws the blanket off, and finds that her bed is crawling with roaches. Sick. She screams for her parents and they come running, but when they enter the room and turn on the light, they find no roaches. It's just their crazy, sweaty daughter. This scene was so predictable that it HURTS!!! Where is the originality!?! I've read some variation of this same scene a thousand times. *sigh* I'll shut up now.

It is now the day the girls arrive at cheer camp. Everyone is incredibly excited. WOOOO! Or something. The girls get their room assignments and Corky, Kimmy, and Debra end up sharing a room. "The walls were lime green, the low ceiling bright yellow. Two small desks were pushed back to back in the middle of the room. A third desk stood against one wall between two low dressers. Over one of the dressers, someone had tacked up a poster of U2." Bitchin'. Debra gets the bed in front of the window which means Corky has to share a bunk with Kimmy. As the girls are settling in, Hannah knocks at the door. She comes in and asks to room with them. "There's no room for me with Ronnie and Heather. They both filled up the dressers before I started to unpack. And look at all the stuff I brought." She has two giant suitcases filled to the brim. They tell her that they don't exactly have room either. Plus, there's only three beds to each room and I can't see our little prima donna sleeping on the floor. Hannah gets all teary eyed and asks if one of them will trade places with her. I think Hannah possesses the evil, kids. Finally Debra says she doesn't mind trading and hauls her things to the other room. Kimmy tells Hannah to hurry and unpack because they have to get to practice and they'll get points off for being late. Just leave her ass! Then Hannah asks Corky to run her a hot bath because she has to unpack and doesn't have time to run it herself. Hannah is definitely the evil! The request pisses Corky off, but she does it anyway. I don't think the words "Fuck off" are too out of line. Corky tells Hannah the water is running and she and the others leave Hannah behind. Yay! They get halfway down the hall before Kimmy remembers she forgot the carton of pom poms. They turn back and just as they reach the door, they hear Hannah screaming. I already know what this is about and I'm sure you do, too. They step inside and Hannah screams "How could you?" at Corky. The damn water was too hot and the little idiot didn't test it before stepping in. Corky apologizes even though it really isn't her fault and Hannah is just being a little creep. Hannah says it's ok and she's feeling better now. Kimmy grabs the box of pom poms and they leave Hannah again. Corky remembers that Kimmy stepped into the bathroom just before they left the first time and she wonders if it was Kimmy who turned the hot water up. Who cares? Hannah sucks.

Time for more cheers!

Hey America--the time is here!
Shadyside, stand up and cheer!
Here we come. We want the world to know
Shadyside is the HIT OF THE SHOW!

I need a moment. A moment to puke my guts up. Because Shadyside sucks. Big time. Why do they have to involve America? And THE WORLD?!? Anyway, they're in a gigantic gym with fifteen other squads so everyone can see their shame. HA. Everyone takes a break to watch the squad beside them, the Redwood Bulldogs, in particular one girl named Blair O'Connell who Kimmy knows because they went to the same Sunday school. Kimmy goes to church? KIMMY?!?! Obviously hasn't done her any good. The Shadyside girls are astounded at Blair's skills and looks. Except Kimmy of course! She thinks dear Blair is stuck-up and disgusting. Ok then. Miss Green finally tells the girls to get back to work. After one routine, Hannah comes up to Corky and says "Corky, can I give you a little advice? You need to get more lift on your spread-eagle jump. You're still a little too low. If you bring your feet in closer, you can control your jump better. Watch. I'll show you." What a bitch! Corky gets pissed and walks off. Kimmy comes up to her a moment later and says "Someone has to take Hannah down a peg or two. She's the pits. Sometimes I could just murder her. Couldn't you?" Hell yes. Corky just shrugs it off. A whistle blows and the squads gather to hear about the competitions and such. There will be minor competitions every night and on the final night, a major one will be held. Winners get awards and the blood of the innocent. Yee-haw.

Corky gets back to her room before anyone else and decides to take a shower. As soon as she sets foot inside the room, though, her feet stick to the carpet. "She tried to walk, but the floor was sticky and wet. The carpet still moved in waves, thick and black, rolling over her sneakers." What the hell? Corky starts to panic as the blackness begins climbing her legs in an effort to suck her under. Corky continues to cry for help and then she hears Debra's voice asking her what the hell she's doing. Corky opens her eyes and realizes that she's on her knees and the carpet is NOT a black wave of HORRRRRROR! Since Debra is on familiar terms with the evil, Corky feels comfortable telling her the truth about what just happened. This only raises the question: who is doing these things? I still call Debra!

That evening, the Bulldogs win the competition like we all thought they would. What did they do? "They performed an endless rap routine that wowed the judges." You have no idea how grateful I am that Stine didn't give the play-by-play. I don't think I could have stood it. Anyway, Shadyside's performance was less than stellar and the girls know it. Hannah is the only one who worked up any true enthusiasm about the whole thing. If she were any perkier, her head would pop off. And yes, that IS something I'd like to see. After the Bulldogs receive their award, a judge comes out to speak with all the squads: "On the final night we will award a spirit stick to each member of the winning squad. The sticks will be painted with your school colors and can be used to help inspire spirit at pep rallies (or to beat a bitch down. Whatever you prefer!) But on every other night we'll award a red spirit ribbon to the most spirited cheerleader on each squad. There's so much spirit in this gym tonight, it's unbelievable!" Little do you know, lady. After some applause, the judge hands out the red ribbons. Blair O'Connell naturally gets one and the Shadyside winner is...THE EVIL! RAWR! By 'the evil' I do mean Hannah. Kimmy rolls her eyes at this. I'm really starting to *gasp* LIKE Kimmy. Her eye rolls and sighs and catty insults crack me up. I can't help it! I mean, in real life, I'd probably hate her, but I don't have to worry about that because she isn't real. Hannah fetches her ribbon and runs over to Debra. The two hug and then leave together which Corky finds odd because those two never seemed very chummy before. They're obviously lovers, Corky. Don't be jealous. There's some nice girl (or boy) out there for you, too. Corky makes her way through the crowd and happens to overhear Blair and friends talking trash about all the other squads. "Not much competition this year. Everyone's just so tacky. Did you BELIEVE that nursery rhyme routine? What is this? Kindergarten or something?" Corky thinks about how snobby these girls are and how she'd like to beat them and wipe that smirk off Blair's face. Yes! DO IT!

As much as it pains me to say it, Corky has a dream that night. Bobbi floats through the window and hovers over Corky. Corky begs to know why her sister is visiting her and Bobbi tries to tell her, but no sound comes out of her mouth even though her lips are moving. Once again, Bobbi removes the top of her skull and shows Corky the contents. Instead of cockroaches, it's snakes this time. Corky snaps awake and hears screaming. She thinks that she is doing it, but it's actually Hannah. Kimmy is now also awake and she and Corky run to Hannah's bedside. Hannah's blood curdling shrieks were really unnecessary: someone cut all her hair off. Ok, yes, that sucks very much, but shut the hell up! Hannah turns on the girls and asks which one of them did it. Kimmy asks her why she thinks they would do such a horrible thing (I can think of several reasons) and Hannah says "Because you're jealous of me." It's official: I absolutely LOATHE this chick. Kimmy gets totally pissed and almost Hulks out, but instead says "You're new on the squad, Hannah. You don't know us very well. And I'm sorry to say it because I know you're really upset, but you don't know as much as you think you do." Hannah replies "I know one thing for sure. I know one thing. You want me out--you want me off the squad. So you think you can scare me-" Corky interrupts, telling her that isn't true at all. Just let Kimmy choke the bitch and you can all go back to bed. Hannah says that she isn't quitting the squad. Then she goes to her dresser and starts pulling her clothes on. It's almost time for breakfast so she's going to go tell Miss Green what they did (or rather what she THINKS they did). Grrrrr. Corky goes back to bed thinking that Kimmy must have been the culprit because the eeeeeeevil is still inside her. She gets out of bed and asks Kimmy what they're going to do. Kimmy asks "I'd remember if I cut off Hannah's braid, wouldn't I?" Kimmy is on the verge of tears and Corky tells her that she really doesn't know. Kimmy gets dressed and heads out for breakfast. Corky stays behind and starts getting dressed. She opens her dresser and finds a pair of scissors with strands of Hannah's hair stuck to it lying on top of her clothes. I think Hannah did it herself.

At breakfast, Corky sits alone with her cornflakes while Debra, Ronnie, and Kimmy wolf down their food at the other end of the table. She spots Hannah talking with Miss Green and then Miss Green looks her way. Uh-oh. Hannah takes her place next to Debra and the girls start whispering together. Corky feels a sudden urge to confide in Debra about her suspicions about Kimmy and walks over to her. Corky asks if they can talk privately and Debra says "Hi Corky. Can it wait? I'm talking to Hannah right now." Burn. Debra turns away and starts whispering to Hannah again while Corky just stands there, stunned by Debra's words. Corky is about to leave the cafeteria, but Miss Green calls she and Kimmy over. Here it comes... "Hannah has brought a serious complaint against you two. I-I really can't believe this happened. I mean, what Hannah told me. It's just so cruel. So incredibly vicious." Yeah, well, Hannah is a lying, conniving bitch so I wouldn't be too quick to believe anything she says, Mr. Green. Oh, I'm sorry--MISS Green. Green continues, telling the girls that she can't believe either of them would do such a thing and she actually refers to the incident as "A truly vicious attack." She's acting like Hannah was beaten with a hammer and then raped with a red hot poker. So her hair is gone! Hair grows back, you fucking idiots! I have to go to my happy place and calm down. Ok, I'm cool now. For a while, at least. Miss Green says she needs to know which of them did it. She asks Kimmy first and Kimmy says yes! Corky thinks Kimmy believes she's protecting Corky by confessing so Corky pipes up and says that SHE was the one. You're both stupid. Miss Green gets pissed off and says "I want the truth. I don't want you covering for each other. I want to know the truth. Who's responsible?" Corky says that neither of them did it, but Miss Green isn't buying it and says she'll deal with them when they get back to Shadyside and oh how they'll be disciplined! Probably over Miss Green's knee. Ew. Miss Green walks off and Kimmy says she's over this whole thing and doesn't even wanna be here anymore. The girls head to the gym together and on the way, they spot Blair doing cartwheels and other shit I don't give a damn about and my darling Kimmy says "She really makes me sick. Someone should do something about her." I can only hope!

It's now time for the evening competition. The Bulldogs get to go first OF COURSE. Stupid Bulldogs. YOU SUCK! The girls run out onto the floor and sweet merciful heavens! Blair trips and busts her face on the hardwood floor! She raises herself from the floor and everyone sees that blood is gushing from her mouth. Her lip is cut and her two front teeth have been broken in half. Stifle your giggles. Blair manages to scream "Somebody tripped me!" before being led away by her teammates. Corky looks directly at Kimmy and sees that Kimmy is staring back with a very weird look on her face. *sigh* I get sick of the whole 'meaningful looks' thing. Corky is paranoid as hell.

The next chapter is titled "The Scissors Again" and that just makes me wanna die, man. DIE, I say! It's the next afternoon and the girls are at practice. Kimmy wants to do the diamond-head pyramid, the one that makes Corky extremely nervous for the obvious reasons. When Hannah exclaims that she wants to be on top, Kimmy quickly agrees. This should be good. Unfortunately for me, everything goes smoothly; Kimmy catches Hannah just like she's supposed to. The girls stop for a water break and Kimmy tells Corky that some people are going to be in for a surprise tonight. What a devil.

Kimmy, Corky, and Hannah are in their room that evening getting themselves ready for competition. Kimmy goes ahead without the other two. Hannah comes out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel and politely drops the towel and pulls on some underpants in front of Corky. As if Corky wants to see that sickness. Hannah turns her back to Corky and babbles on about the competition while Corky creeps over to her dresser and pulls out a pair of scissors. IT'S CORKY! The damned evil has corrupted my beloved Corky! Why am I always wrong about these things? I should've known from the beginning, but noooooo. Oh well. Corky doesn't get to stab Hannah in the back, though, because Kimmy comes bounding back through the door to fetch the pom poms she's forever forgetting. Corky sits on her bed because her head is swimming. She tells the girls that she feels like crap and won't be coming to dinner. She runs to the bathroom, slams the door, and holds onto the sink as waves of red and black flash through her head. The sink suddenly becomes red hot and Corky thinks she hears faint laughter. A smelly steam rises from the sink and a gurgling noise ubbles up from the drain. Corky runs out and throws herself on Hannah's bed. She realizes she came close to murdering Hannah because she is the eeeeevil one now! Mwahahahaha!

Part Two - Cold Fear

We are now back in Shadyside. I know, it sucks. I can feel the depression setting in as we speak. It's Saturday afternoon and Corky is at home in her room, moping about the fact that her body is now the host for an evil spirit. Corky experiences periods in which everything is fine and she has no desire to kill anyone. But occasionally everything goes red and black and she has no memory of those periods in time. She can remember SOME things she was responsible for. Like the bubbling pea soup. She made that happen because the other girls were teasing her. She made Blair O'Connell bash her face because she was jealous. She cut Hannah's stupid hair because Hannah sucks ass. She suddenly realizes what those weird dreams where Bobbi's head opens up were trying to tell her. That she needed to look inside herself to find the evil! It's a little late now. Out of nowhere, her bed rises up with her on it and begins swinging around the room. The window slides up and slams back down, the curtains are blowing, and various items throughout the room are suddenly floating in midair. The mirror bursts into flames and melts. Corky is thrown to the floor and the carpet starts to undulate. She spots a puddle of blood on the floor that spreads and spreads until the entire floor is engulfed in it. Corky starts to drown in the blood. She shuts her eyes and screams and then she hears her brother Sean asking her what she's doing. She opens her eyes and sees that everything is in place and there is no blood anywhere. What the hell, man? Sean tells her she's completely messed up and then asks her to come to his room. She doesn't want to at first because she can feel that ominous roaring coming on. She's starting to see red and black and grabs Sean. He laughs because he thinks they're wrestling and he loves him some wrestling. She pulls his arm back and he starts screaming for her to stop and she does. She tells him to get out of her room and then she sits on her bed until the bad feelings completely pass.

Now we're treated to yet another dream! Sadness. Corky dreams that she's floating on the sea in a wooden boat. It's a bright, sunny day and she's leaning over the rail. There are two children with her that keep calling her Sarah. Suddenly the boat tilts to the side and the sky goes black. The rail turns into a snake and rears back to bite Corky... Then she wakes up. She sits up, checks the clock, and realizes that it's 7:30 and she's missed dinner. All you can think about is dinner?!?! She opens her mouth to yawn and a disgusting green gas spews from her mouth. She can't close her mouth and more and more green gas flies out, filling the room. Corky thinks she's going to vomit because the entire room smells horrid and finally the green gas stops coming and she can shut her mouth. She lays back on her bed and a voice tells her not to lay down because they have work to do. Could this possibly get any more fucked up? The answer is yes--the voice tells her they have to kill the others and they can start with Debra. Corky screams that she won't do it and the spirit says that Debra chose Hannah over Corky so Debra deserves to die. Wow. By that logic, I should have killed all of my old friends. The green gas presses down on Corky until it's back inside her and has completely taken over her body. She no longer has any control so she walks over to the phone, calls Debra, and asks her to meet her.

As Corky drives to Division Street mall, she thinks about how nice it will be to kill Debra. Over the phone, Debra had told Corky that she had to pick some things up for her mom at the mall. "Mom had kids just so she'd have slaves. That's all she does ever since I got my driver's license--sends me off to the mall to buy stuff for her." I could see her mom sending her to the grocery store or something, but to the mall? Wouldn't her poor old mom wanna go there alone to shop by herself and take some time away from her demonic spawn? Anyway, Corky wasn't really paying attention to anything Debra had to say. She was thinking about how nice it'll be to see the end of Deb. Corky pulls up to the mall and spots Debra hanging out alone. In a dark parking lot. Real intelligent. Corky presses her foot on the accelerator and speeds toward Debra with the intentions of smashing her into a pancake. Debra uses her cat-like reflexes to dive out of the way and Corky ends up hitting a pole instead. Debra runs over to see if Corky is ok and Corky lies and says the accelerator stuck and she totally lost control. Corky then tells Debra to get into the car because she has something important to tell her. Like "You're going to die. I'm going to kill you now." ? Corky drives to the old abandoned mill because secluded locations are perfect for murders. Once they get there, they get out of the car and start walking aimlessly about. Corky says she thinks the evil is in Kimmy again and they just have to do something! They climb up the mill wheel and Corky prepares to kindly pushes Debra right off the edge. But before she can, some man starts yelling at them to get the hell off the wheel. Debra climbs down, but Corky just stands there thinking "I'm going to explode! Then I'm going to twist that guy's head around until I hear his neck crack. Then I'll rip his head off and pull the brains out through the neck." Being possessed has made her more rational than ever. Corky drives Debra back to the mall and says "I'll kill you tomorrow." as Debra gets out of the car. GOOD GAWD. Debra is confused, but Corky just says she meant to say "I'll CALL you tomorrow." Right.

Corky wakes at 3 am and realizes that the spirit has left her. Oh good. Corky starts thinking about Sarah Fear and that weird sailboat dream she had. She goes into a weird sort of trance and is taken back in time. Shoot me. Blah blah blah she's on the boat with her niece and nephew blah blah blah she sees a butterfly and kills it for a laugh blah blah blah she has a conversation with a voice in her head and thinks about all the people she murdered. *sigh* I hate Sarah Fear. The boat gets tossed around by the evil inhabiting Sarah and everyone drowns. End of flashback and my eroded sanity. Then Corky sees herself in Sarah Fear's coffin with Sarah's old dirty corpse and she realizes what she must do in order to kill the evil: kill herself. NOOOOOOO!

Part Three - Hot Water

Corky wakes the next morning with the thought of death. Goooooood morning! Crazy things happen in her room so she runs to the stairs and finds that the stairs are covered in razor blades and the banister is scalding hot. Damn. Corky throws herself to the bottom of the staircase and her mother comes running to see what her psychotic child is doing now. She says she's going to fix Corky some eggs since she slept until noon and missed breakfast. In the kitchen, Corky tells her mom that she's possessed by an evil spirit, but her mom just says "Very funny" because she thinks Corky's brain is almost completely atrophied. Mom leaves the kitchen and Corky's eggs appear to be two eyeballs. Gross. Corky freaks out and jumps away from the plate as a disgusting smell fills the room. Egg farts = EPIC. Kimmy calls then and Corky tells her everything is cool even though she's secretly thinking about when she's going to kill Kimmy and Hannah. Corky asks Kimmy to meet her at River Ridge which is a cliff overlooking the Cononka River. Kimmy agrees and they hang up. Poor Kimmy.

Storm clouds block the sun as Corky waits for Kimmy to arrive. Kimmy pulls up a few minutes later wearing a red shirt and blue Lycra shorts. Dammit, Kimmy, you're going to die in THAT? Corky tells Kimmy to come over to the edge because she wants to show her something. As soon as Kimmy gets close enough, Corky pushes her over the edge. Kimmy is dead, kids. *sob* As Corky walks away, the evil tells her she must kill herself now or others will also have to die. Corky screams and pleads with it and finally overcomes it. It tells her that others will die, but they'll live forever. Whatever. Evil pisses me off. The evil then tells her that they have to leave and kill more people, but Corky defies it by jumping into the river. WHY?!?! The water gets hotter and hotter and the evil pours out of Corky's body. "She heard the evil spirit's startled cry. "I'm drowning!" And then Corky drowned. She felt as if she were shrinking. Shrinking until she was nothing but a tiny acorn floating in the water. Then a dot. A lifeless dot. She knew the evil spirit had shrunk, too. And knowing this, she died." Fucking ouch, Stine. That was heartbreaking, man.

As it starts to rain, Corky's body floats to the surface and the evil finally dies. "You are dead. And in dying, you have killed me." Good! And now we find out that Kimmy isn't even dead! Corky had to die, but Kimmy gets to live? Things aren't right with the world! Kimmy swims over to Corky and pulls her out of the water. She attempts to revive her...and it actually works! Corky LIVES. They walk away together arm in arm like nothing evil just went down. How unrealistic. I would be hauled to the local asylum and thrown in the padded room to rot.

The girls are back to cheering. After practice, they crowd at The Corner for gossip as usual. The waitress comes to take their orders and Corky says she has a craving for pea soup. The girls laugh as Corky says she's kidding and she'll just have a burger and fries. HAHAHA! Not.

Conclusion? I actually really liked this one. I wish someone had actually died, though! Dammit, Stine!

Next Time: I was going to do "The New Evil", but I can't find my copy. So instead I'll be muddling through "Party Summer". Killer on the beach, baby! Speaking of beaches, I really wish it were summer...

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Cheerleaders: The Second Evil

* Check out Cheerleaders: The First Evil if you haven't already. And if you haven't, why not?! Evil cheerleaders = awesome. *

Book Description:

Corky Corcoran is sure it's just her imagination when she sees her dead sister rise from the grave. Or is it? Corky is trying to put the nightmare of Bobbi's death behind her--she's back on the Shadyside cheerleading squad and has become friends with Kimmy and Debra. But everything is not back to normal for Corky--she hears horrible screams in the gym, her friend has become obsessed by the occult, and a strange young man is following her. And then the murders begin again... Has the evil spirit from the Fear Street cemetery returned to destroy them one by one?

My Description:

I have a problem with the phrase 'obsessed by the occult'. It kinda doesn't make sense. Do they mean obsessed WITH the occult? Or POSSESSED by the occult? Oh well. Just me being nitpicky...

Part One - Where Is the Evil?

Kimmy, Debra, and Ronnie (a.k.a Veronica) are packed in Kimmy's car driving along Old Mill Road. They chat about boys and cheerleading and the conversation eventually turns to Corky and Bobbi. The girls carry on about how pretty and talented Bobbi was and that's nice and everything, but considering how they used to feel about her, it just seems a little contrived. Anyway, the conversation then touches on the subject of Corky and how mopey and sad she seems to be all the time. If I found the withered, scalded body of my dead sister and battled a freaky ghost chick, I think I would be pretty fucked up for the rest of my life, too. Debra brings up Gary Brandt and Suki Thomas, Shadyside's resident sluts: "Too bad you're not in sixth period study hall. In the library. You should have seen Suki Thomas with Gary Brandt. Well, Suki was giving Gary a sex ed. class. They didn't even bother to go back to the stacks." *sigh* Why couldn't they desecrate the janitor's closet? Leave the library out of this! Suki and Gary weren't having sex anyway. They were just making out, Debra, so shut up. I'm beginning to remember how much I hate Kimmy and Debra. As Kimmy drives past the cemetery, Debra says that the spirit that killed Bobbi is still around and it's only a matter of time before it strikes again. That Debra is full of sunshine and roses. Kimmy tells Debra that she needs to get her head out of the occult books and back into reality. So now we know who becomes "obsessed by the occult". The girls argue for a moment about the occult and the evil spirit, but quickly shut up when they spot Corky standing at her sister's grave.

Corky is chatting with Bobbi's grave: "I shouldn't come here all the time. I know I shouldn't. Sometimes I feel as if I'm being pulled here. Almost against my will. If only I could sleep. If only I could fall asleep and not dream. I have such frightening dreams, Bobbi. Such vivid, frightening dreams. Nightmares. Of that awful night in the cemetery. The night I fought the evil spirit. I feel as if I'm still fighting the evil, Bobbi. I'm still fighting it even though I sent it down to its grave. Bobbi, can you hear me?" Poor Corky. Corky asks again if Bobbi can hear her and suddenly, as if in response, the ground starts rumbling. The ground splits open and a skeletal hand pokes out of the earth and I'm pretty sure the next page will reveal that this entire sequence is nothing but one of Corky's fever dreams. A gross, rotting Bobbi climbs out of the crack in the ground. A fat worm crawls out of her mouth and slides its fat, bloated body past her black lips. Corky hides her eyes and when she takes her hands away, SkeleBobbi has vanished. And, dammit, it WAS a dream. Corky had fallen asleep against her sister's gravestone. I hate how the most awesome scenes in these books turn out to be DREAMS! Always! Corky stands and announces to Bobbi and all the other deaders that she isn't going to visit for a while. As she walks away, she sees something move out of the corner of her eye. She just assumes it's a squirrel or something, but when she sees a person's shadow, she realizes she's being watched. Oooooooo. She starts running, but the creepy freak starts running after her. Unfortunately, Corky runs a few steps further before tripping over a low gravestone and falling into a pile of wet leaves. Damn. Wet leaves suck almost as much as psychotic stalkers.

Fortunately for Corky, Kimmy and the gals come running before that cuckoo crazy nutter butter can grab Corky and slit her throat or dash her brains out on a gravestone (the irony!) or something equally horrible. Corky breathlessly explains the situation, but when the girls look around, no-one is there. I'm sure no-one saw that coming from a thousand miles away. The girls hustle Corky into the car because they don't wanna waste anymore time freezing their perfect asses off in a cemetery. They escort Corky into her house and her little brother, Sean, jumps out in a feeble effort to scare them. CHILLS! THRILLS! THE ABSOLUTE HORROR OF IT ALL! Sean asks the girls if they wanna play Mega Man with him on his Nintendo. Nostalgia, baby! I used to have a Nintendo and me and my brother wasted away playing Super Mario Brothers (I always had to be stupid Luigi) and Wrestle Mania and other crap that I can't remember. Anyway! Corky goes into the kitchen to make hot cocoa and makes Sean go to his room. The girls gather in the living room and when Corky takes a seat, a fart noise explodes from beneath her. No, it isn't courtesy of that burrito she had at lunch earlier. It's Sean's whoopee cushion. The girls laugh, but then get down to business--they want Corky back on the squad. Then, in a conversation loaded with exposition, the girls rehash everything that happened in the first book. I hate info dumps! We don't need to be told everything that happened earlier; we have enough sense to read the first book before the second so give us some credit, Stine! The girls share a touching Hallmark moment which Corky interrupts by pointing at the window and freaking out: "It's him! He-he's there!" She is, of course, referring to that hooded Joe Schmoe that chased her earlier. And just like before, the other girls look and see absolutely nothing. One of these idiots actually points out two cats in the driveway and asks Corky if that's what she saw. How the hell could anyone besides a brain dead moron mistake a couple of cats for some guy in a hood? Unless the cats are freaky shapeshifters who stalk and kill for shits and giggles. Anyway, the girls get up to leave after Corky tells them she'll seriously consider their generous offer. Debra hangs back because she wants to talk to Corky in private. Oh dear sweet mama. I don't know about you, but I don't wanna hear some cheerleader's deluded ramblings about the occult and such. Which is exactly what I'm about to get. *sigh*

As soon as Kimmy and Ronnie leave, Debra cuts right to the chase: "The evil is still here." Thanks, Miss Mary Sunshine. I'll make a note of that. No, I won't even have to note it because you'll probably tell us about 5,749,303 more times before this book is over. Corky protests that she saw the evil go back into the ground, but Debra says it isn't dead. Corky says that she just wants to forget about all that, but Debra explains that she can't forget until the evil is gone, baby, gone. Suddenly Corky hears the kettle whistle and she goes into the kitchen to make the hot cocoa (I thought she made that 20 minutes ago?) As she's standing at the sink, she looks out the window and thinks she sees something moving. Great. But then she decides it's just her imagination. Make up your mind! If you're gonna act like a mental patient, you need to commit, woman! As Corky is emptying the kettle, her limbs go wild. The hand holding the kettle pours scalding water all over the other hand. Awesome. Corky screams for help as the water burns her flesh and Stine decides that's the perfect time to end the chapter. Curse you, Stine. CURSE!

The next day (or something) the almighty Chip what's-his-face (the one who dated Bobbi before she bit the dust) shows up at the Corcoran home to check up on Corky. Word travels fast. Sean tells him that Kimmy and Corky are upstairs and Chip stalls for time because he really doesn't wanna see Kimmy. He dated Kimmy for a while, but broke up with her to date Bobbi so now Kimmy gets total bitchface whenever Chip is around. May I remind you that I hate Kimmy? Not that Chip is a prize or anything. Chip finally goes upstairs and thankfully Kimmy is just getting ready to leave. Chip kisses Corky on the cheek and Kimmy nastily says "Don't mind me. I'm just leaving." Oh but I DO mind you, you dirty little troll. Take your crimped hair and that bitchy attitude and hit the motherf^&*ing road! Ok, I'm cool now. I almost pee my pants laughing as Chip says hello, but doesn't even turn to look at Kimmy and Corky practically shoves her out the door. The two would've started making out, but Sean comes in and asks them what they're doing. Tee hee. You don't wanna know, dear. Sean says "You were wrestling." I'M LAUGHING MY ASS OFF!!!! Yes, I'm so mature. But come on--that's funny! You've briefly redeemed yourself, Stine. Chip and Corky laugh and Sean goes away (damn). Corky brings up the burnt hand and explains about Debra believing that the evil still lives. IT LIVES! *sigh* Chip is a non-believer and says that people burn themselves all the time. But Corky protests that she felt the evil, dammit, so don't try to contradict her! Then Corky says that she spoke to a psychiatrist at the hospital because she was under suspicion of burning herself on purpose. Yeah, doctors don't really tend to buy the evil kettle excuse. Believe me, I've tried. This incredibly boring conversation (I'm distracted by King of the Hill and the tick-tock of my Powerpuff Girls clock. Yes, I said POWERPUFF GIRLS. And I'm not even that ashamed. Shut up.) turns to the cheerleading squad and how Corky has decided to rejoin. She has two reasons why: 1) cheerleading will provide a much needed distraction from constant thoughts of Bobbi and 2) she's just gotta find out where that damned pesky evil is hiding. I am over this evil shit already and I'm only on page 39! Chip just stares at her blankly because his five brain cells are still trying to wrap themselves around everything else they've discussed. Corky asks if he would accompany her to the cemetery this evening so she can tell Bobbi about her decision to rejoin the squad. Wow. Chip says that's a bad idea because she needs to move on, but he changes his mind after Corky sticks her tongue in his mouth. Ew.

That night, they make their way to the cemetery. Why does she always go at night? Oh well. Corky stands at Bobbi's grave, but gets interrupted by a scary sight: a woman is floating out of Sarah Fear's grave. Those crazy Fears are at it again. Oh wait. No they're not. It's just some wacky chick who is doing grave rubbings in the middle of the fucking night. She says she's a graduate student doing research on Shadyside history and her name is Sarah Beth Plummer. Ok, never mind--the Fears ARE at it again. You KNOW this girl is gonna turn out to be Sarah Fear! Corky asks the girl about Sarah Fear and the girl says they can go to a coffee shop and talk alllll about it. At the shop, Corky asks her why she was doing rubbings at night and Sarah says that her project thingy is due the next day and she procrastinated until tonight. I'm the biggest procrastinator on the planet, but if I knew I had to do something that involved wandering around in a graveyard, I would make damn sure that I got it done during daylight hours. Corky is as suspicious as I am of Sarah, but she really wants to hear the story of Sarah Fear. The condensed version: Sarah married Simon Fear's grandson and they moved into the big Fear mansion. Her husband died of pneumonia two years after they were married and she inherited all his wealth. Her brothers and several cousins came to live with her for some convoluted reason. In 1899, Sarah and her brothers and cousins went out on Fear Lake for some sailing. The water was calm, but out of nowhere, the boat flipped over and everyone on board drowned. Ok then. Corky believes it was the evil spirit that caused the accident. Cut me some slack, lady. Sarah just laughs and says she finds it all kind of funny. Corky decides this is her cue to leave and drags Chip with her. Corky looks back at Sarah and sees that the little psycho is sitting there with a weird smile on her face and an eeeeevilllll gleam in her beady eyes. Of course.

After school on Monday, Corky makes her way to cheerleading practice to inform the evil harpies that she's returning. The girls are in the middle of a cheer that I'm sure you're dying to know, but I don't have the stomach to type it here. It's like an amalgamation (that's a million dollar word. Let's hope I used it correctly.) of all the cheers in the first book. Yeah. Barf. I wonder if Stine was a male cheerleader? Oh dear sweet mother Mary, I just vomited in my mouth. Let's move on. The cheer is over and Kimmy comes running up to Corky which gets the attention of everyone else on the squad including Miss Green. Yep, all the usual suspects are here. I just remembered who Miss Green reminds me of: Miss Man from Scary Movie. *shiver* That's scarier than anything Stine could ever conjure up. Everyone is predictably excited to see Corky...except for Debra, but who cares about her? She has the occult to keep her warm. Debra has to ruin the moment by coming up to Corky and saying that she can feel the evil spirit. It could be gas, Debra. Or maybe cramps. Those definitely feel evil. Corky says they can talk later and practice starts up again. Corky is nervous and can't stop thinking about which of the girls the spirit is hiding in. I think it would be a nice little twist if the evil turned out to be in DEBRA. In the middle of the cheer, Corky hears the piercing screams of a girl and when she tells everyone to get help, they all look at her like she's nuts. It was all in her head. Corky calms down and the girls start the cheer again. But the same thing happens so Kimmy helps Corky sit down. Corky says she'll sit out for a while and when Kimmy runs off, Corky spots Debra staring with a little smile on her face. Come on! The girls start their cheer again as the screams continue to stab at Corky's brain. She runs out of the gym screaming herself and runs into the arms of the freaky stalker! AHHH! She pulls away from him and he chases her. She dives into the science lab and hides, praying that he won't come inside and find her. She hears him walk off and she steps outside the room. Of course the creep grabs her and says "We have to talk. Don't you know who I am? I'm the evil spirit." Whatever, man. He's just joking around (or something--no-one is exactly laughing) and introduces himself as Jon Daly, Jennifer's brother. He says he's been following Corky because he doesn't believe in all that evil spirit mumbo jumbo. That really doesn't explain why you've been stalking this girl, weirdo. Corky says that she believes in the spirit because she was there the night she had to fight Jennifer (um, duh? Of course you were there, stupid. Don't be redundant.) Jon says "Sure, YOU want to believe it. You want to believe you killed an evil spirit because you don't want to admit that you killed Jennifer!"

Say what?!? Corky gets really shook up, but that doesn't shut Jon up for a second: "You killed her. You killed my sister. Then you made up that ridiculous story. My sister wasn't evil and she didn't deserve to die. YOU are evil and I'm going to prove it." I can see how Jon would think this. He's obviously not familiar with the absolutely fucked up ways of Shadyside. Corky feebly babbles something about the spirit and Jon ever-so-politely informs her that he's going to be her evil spirit. That means he'll be following her everywhere until he has enough proof to convict her! GASP! Chip comes down the hall then and Jon runs off. She explains that Jon is Jennifer's brother and Chip says that Jon is the one who went "ballistic" at Jen's funeral. "Remember--they practically had to hold him down?" No, I don't remember. But thanks anyway. Chip is such an asshole about this entire thing. When Corky tells him that Jon threatened to follow her everyday, Chip just says "Lots of luck." Ass! Chip is a wimpy, limp-wristed jellyfish so he's probably scared of Jon.

That night, as Corky is playing Nintendo with Sean, Kimmy calls. Kimmy, the insensitive bitch, wants Corky to come to practice tomorrow afternoon. Which leads Corky to blurt out "It's the evil, Kimmy. The evil spirit. It's back. It didn't disappear that night." Evilevilevilevil! When will it end??! Obviously not here; if it did, I wouldn't have two more books to read after this one. Dammit. Kimmy really doesn't believe this and asks Corky if she wants to come over so they can talk more. Corky says she'll be over when her parents get home (she has to watch Sean until then). A little while later, Corky gets in her car and finds herself on Fear Street. She spots a strange sight: Jon Daly and Sarah Beth are in the cemetery standing at Sarah Fear's grave. Sarah starts doing some freaky, twirly dance which freaks Corky out and she burns rubber right the hell out of there.

Part Two: Here Is The Evil!

Finally! Took you long enough. It's now the end of the next day and Corky has to stay late to take a biology exam. The teacher is leaving and says she'll have to do it "on the honor system". Yeah right. The adults in this town are really stupid. As soon as teacher leaves, weird things begin to happen. The door slams shut on its own and all the blinds close by themselves. Then the lights flicker off. HAVE MERCY! The lids of jars holding insects and other nasty things pop off and smash into the ceiling. Then the contents of the jars (dead flies, caterpillars, frogs) rise out of the jars. The frogs start croaking their way to Corky. I know this is supposed to be all ominous and junk, but I can't help but laugh. I mean, this spirit is supposed to be EVIL! Letting frogs out of their jars and closing the blinds seem to be kind acts, you stupid spirit. Corky tries to flee, but the door won't open. A model skeleton shoots its hand at her and begins choking her. You've got to be kidding me. She manages to pry the bony hand from her throat and runs out of the room to find Chip (he's making up an exam in woodshop). Oh my my my. She finds a very nasty little surprise waiting for her in the shop. Chip is dead. A saw cut his hand off. Ok, that wouldn't kill anyone. Hell yeah, it would hurt, but wouldn't he have the good sense to get the hell out of there and find help??? Ok, don't question it. The point is, Chip is gone and Corky is very upset.

After the funeral, Debra accosts Corky, saying they really have to talk. They go to a diner; Debra has a bacon cheeseburger and fries (yum) and Corky gets vegetable soup. Eventually Debra gets around to the subject of evil. "You and I both know the evil spirit killed Chip. He didn't accidentally cut off his hand and stand there bleeding to death without calling for help or anything." Exactly. Where was his teacher when this happened? These teachers suck! Then Corky tells Debra what happened in the science lab and also about Sarah Beth and Jon Daly in the cemetery. Debra says she knows what they have to do. Oh joy.

The next chapter begins with the stupidest cheer ever:

We've got razzmatazz!
Pep, punch, and pizzazz!
Hey, you--you've been had.
Shadyside Tigers got razzmatazz!

I feel nauseated. Just what the fuck is RAZZMATAZZ?!? Oh well. The cheer mercifully ends and Corky exclaims "Wow! That was awesome!" Define 'awesome'. It's four weeks after Chip's funeral and things are going well for Corky. We all know that won't last long. They start the same stupid cheer over again and I contemplate shoving a screwdriver into my brain. Then they move into place to make the diamondback pyramid. Corky is nervous because she has to be the one at the very top and she's afraid she'll get dizzy or hear the screaming again. But everything goes perfectly. This was all pretty boring without the evil.

That evening, Corky, Kimmy, and Debra make their way to the old Fear mansion for some unholy reason. They plan to locate the eeeeevil. *sigh* Just do it already. Debra has been reading her books and says she wants to try and raise Sarah Fear's spirit. They go into the sitting room and Debra gives them directions: "We each take a candle. We kneel in the center of the room. Hold the candle in your left hand. Then we put our right hands forward and clasp them in the center." As the girls do this, the candles flicker and Debra takes that as a sign that the evil is in their presence. Kimmy thinks it's just the wind. Oh Kimmy. Buy a bolt and shut that trap of yours. Debra continues: "I'm going to chant now. When I finish the chant, the book says we should know where the evil spirit is." I was getting into it until Kimmy went and ruined it by saying "Give it the old razzmatazz." Dammit. After Debra finishes her chant, the girls think they see the spirit rise from the floor, but it's just a dog. Yeah, I don't know either. Just go with it. Kimmy gets sick of the whole thing and goes home. Debra tells Corky that they should go visit Jon Daly and Sarah Beth. You must be shrooming, lady. Jon wants to kill Corky! *sigh* They go anyway. Debra pulls up to Jon Daly's fancy house and they ring the bell. Jon's mom answers the door and informs the girls that Jon has been missing for two days.

The next night, Corky goes to the same coffee shop she visited with Sarah Beth and Chip to wait for Debra. Debra bustles in and tells Corky that Kimmy is really sick and couldn't join them. Oh well. Life goes on. I know--I'm cold. Corky tells Debra that Sarah Beth lives right across the street and that she's very suspicious of her. The girls finish their drinks and then cross the street to Sarah's place. Debra knocks on the door and Sarah answers with a towel wrapped around her hair. "Come in, come in. It's freezing out and I just shampooed my hair." Corky tells her that they want to know more about Sarah Fear and Sarah says she'll tell them after she turns off the stove. When she's out of the room, Corky accidentally knocks over a stack of papers. As she's picking them up, she spots some envelopes addressed to Sarah Fear. Like we didn't know this already! Sarah enters the room then and asks Corky what she's doing. Corky explains and then says that she couldn't help noticing the Sarah Fear thing. Sarah has an excuse ready: "Well, I guess you know my secret. I'm a Fear. It isn't that terrible! It doesn't mean I'm some kind of demon, you know." Actually, it DOES mean you're "some kind of demon." Sarah goes on to say that she uses her mother's maiden name (Plummer) instead of Fear because that name is such a curse. She says she doesn't want to talk about Sarah Fear, but Corky insists and tells her about the people that have died or gone missing. Then Corky blurts out that she saw Sarah and Jon Daly in the cemetery that night. Sarah has an explanation for that, too: "I've known Jon for years. We were in school together. We even dated for a while, but I lost touch with him. When he called me a few weeks ago, I was really surprised." She goes on to say that it was his idea to go to the cemetery and that he kept asking her if she knew the truth about his sister's death. Corky gets the feeling that Sarah is lying about all of this and so do I. Sarah says that Jon asked her if she believed in evil spirits and if she could summon spirits from the grave because she studies the occult and such. She says he was insistent so she told him that she read somewhere that you could dance on someone's grave to summon the spirit. Whatever! She says she just showed him a bit of the dance, but Corky thinks she was really into the entire thing. Then Sarah moves on to the subject of Sarah Fear and I'm not going there because it's basically a rehashing of everything she told Corky that night at the coffeehouse.

Debra drives Corky home and they sit in the driveway and talk. Both of them think Sarah wasn't being completely truthful with them. Debra thinks it's all a little too perfect: her name is Sarah Fear and she was telling them about Sarah Fear. Sarah Beth had mentioned that when the bodies of Sarah Fear and her relatives were pulled from the lake, their bodies were burnt as if they'd drowned in scalding hot water. Bobbi died in scalding water and Corky recently burnt herself with scalding water. Hmm. Corky finally goes inside and up to her room. Kimmy calls her with some sad news: "Did you hear about Jon Daly? They found him in Fear Lake. Drowned." And the body count rises.

The next evening, the cheerleaders are at a basketball game. Corky is nervous about the whole thing and we allllll know what's gonna happen here. And since I know you can't get enough of those cheers:

Shadyside High!
Shadyside High!
Can you dig it?
Everybody's here.
So everybody CHEER!

The pain! Dear God, THE PAIN! Everything goes smoothly until the girls do the pyramid. Corky gets to the top and becomes extremely dizzy. She sees Sarah Beth standing at the door. Grrreat. Corky decides it's time to jump and she does, but Kimmy doesn't catch her and she crashes to the floor. Ouch. Through the haze of pain, Corky hears Kimmy say "I tried to catch her! But something held my arms down!" This scene was ripped directly from the first book--the same thing happened to Bobbi! Corky thinks about the evil and then passes out.

When she wakes up, she's in the hospital. Her mother tells her she bruised a rib and broke her arm. She can go home tonight after her dad finishes filling out some forms. Corky can't stop thinking about the fact that the spirit tried to kill her. So. Sick. Of. This. Spirit. At home, Corky's mom runs a bath and helps Corky to the bathroom. Her mom goes back downstairs and Corky pulls off her robe. This is like a scene out of every slasher movie I've ever seen. Out of the corner of her eye, she spots a maroon and white cheerleading uniform. KIMMY is in the bathroom with her. "I wanted to get rid of you forever." SON OF A BITCH! I should've known it was Kimmy!!! Corky says "Kimmy, what are you saying? You're frightening me." Kimmy replies "I'm not Kimmy. You didn't cooperate. You were supposed to die like your sister." Corky makes the mistake of calling this evil thing 'Kimmy' and it gets a little nuts: "I'm not Kimmy! I am what you fear most! I have been inside Kimmy ever since that night. That night in the cemetery. The night you thought you sent me to my grave! You thought you were defeating me. You should've known better. Ronnie was there, too. And Debra was there. And Kimmy, lucky Kimmy." So Stine hates Kimmy, too. Huh. Corky asks the spirit why it killed Chip and Jon and why it's coming after her now. "Kimmy's enemies became MY enemies. I paid Chip back for dumping Kimmy and liking you. Jon was following me everywhere. He was coming too close to the truth. I knew that when I saw him with Sarah Beth. He's gone now." Corky wants to know why she has to die next so the spirit tells her: "I have to pay you back for that night in the cemetery. You tried to destroy me. Now I must destroy you." Why can't they settle this the old-fashioned way--with a thumb war! Or maybe rock-paper-scissors. But the spirit ain't having none of that: "Time for your bath. So nice of you to draw a hot, steamy tub. Now, Corky dear, you can die like your sister." Kimmy grabs Corky and pulls her toward the water. She shoves Corky's head into the steaming water, but Corky finds some strength and elbows Kimmy in the head with the cast. Corky grabs her and pushes her head into the water. A nasty green goo oozes to the surface of the water and coils there like a snake. Corky pulls the plug, draining the water and the green goop. She lets go of Kimmy's head and Kimmy is totally confused as to what's been happening. The last thing she remembers is Corky fighting Jennifer in the cemetery. "Kimmy, that was months ago!" Before Corky can explain anything, her mom comes in and is shocked to find her nekkid daughter and a soaking wet Kimmy. They all go downstairs and on the couch, Corky tells Kimmy that the evil is gone. "I drowned it. Really, I drowned it. I saw it disappear this time. Maybe now the nightmare is over. Maybe it really is gone for good." I wish.

The next morning, Corky gets dressed and goes downstairs. No-one is home but her. She shuffles through a stack of mail and finds something addressed to her. She tears open the envelope and finds a note inside. She gasps as she reads the message: "IT CAN'T BE DROWNED" Oh my heavens.

Conclusion? Pretty much as expected...except for the Kimmy part. I really didn't see that one coming even though I should always suspect Kimmy because she's horrible. The ending reminds me of the ending to I Know What You Did Last Summer when Julie finds the creepy note. I'm curious as to what happens in the next one. I hope Stine does something different and doesn't rip off any scenes from the First and Second Evil!

Next time: "Cheerleaders: The Third Evil" We're reaching the end, kids!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The Girlfriend

Book Description:

Scotty has the perfect life. And the perfect girlfriend. But one weekend while she's away, Scotty goes just a little...astray. Suddenly he has a new girlfriend. One who won't go away. His one wild night has become a nightmare. Because his new girlfriend has decided that she loves death.

My Description:

I love that tagline: 'When she was good, she was very good...But when she was bad, she was murder.' HA. We'll see!

Scotty and his girlfriend, Lora, are at a dinner party that is being thrown by Lora's parents. Lora's dad is embarrassing the hell out of Scotty by giving a toast to the couple. I find this odd. I mean, they're not getting married or anything. It doesn't make any sense. If we were in Shadyside right about now, this wouldn't be happening. Lora and Scotty would be parked in a car on Fear Street, fogging up the windows real good if you know what I mean *wink wink* Anyway, through Scotty's thoughts we find that this party is being thrown to celebrate Scotty and Lora's preliminary acceptance to Princeton. Yee-haw! But Scotty doesn't mind being here; just as long as he's with his darling Lora: "He liked how her wavy blonde hair caught the sunlight, how soft it felt in his hands. He liked staring into her wide, green eyes. He liked how people said she looked like a model, like a young Christie Brinkley. He liked walking down the hall at school with her, holding hands." Yeah, dude, we get it--your girlfriend's hot. Scotty considers their relationship cliched because he's football quarterback and she's the Homecoming Queen. Oh sweet merciful heavens. He likes how everyone is jealous of them. Scotty, baby, kiss my ass! How the hell does he know that people are jealous? I seriously doubt they're jealous--who would willingly want to be an arrogant jock or an airheaded, stuck-up snob? NO-ONE. And no, I am not simply assuming that Lora is airheaded and stuck-up; Scotty HIMSELF calls her stuck-up and she's obviously kinda dumb because she's dating him. So there. Or something. I already feel heartsick and I'm only on page three. PAGE THREE! Save meeeeee!

Ok. I'm calm now. Let's move on, shall we? The next few paragraphs consist of Scotty kissing his own ass and I'm just gonna ignore it because if I don't, my fucking head will explode. Scotty then decides to ruminate on his broken family (his father left the family when Scotty was younger) and how he believes that's why he enjoys spending so much time with Lora and her crackpot parents. Scotty finally snaps out of his thoughts only to realize that Lora's father is STILL yapping on and on. He tells Lora that this is soooo embarrassing. Shut your stupid mouth, you ingrate. I should think you'd like someone talking on and on about you and your windbag of a girlfriend. Oops. Did I say that aloud? Oh well. When will the psycho be introduced? I need her! Scotty notices his friend Bender making faces through the sliding glass doors of...wherever the hell they are. Bender. Yes. I said Bender. Speaking of friends with stupid names... remember that show, Growing Pains? And how Mike Seaver had a friend named Boner? Yeah, that always made me laugh. Boner was such a doofus, but I totally loved him! My favorite episode didn't involve Boner, though. It was that one where Carol's boyfriend, Sandy (played by a young Matthew Perry) got in a horrible accident and died and everyone was so emotional and such. *sigh* I don't know how I got on this tangent. But I wish I were watching Growing Pains instead of reading this book. Lora reminds Scotty that she and her parents are going off to Europe for a week and Scotty feels a moment of jealousy, wishing he too was going to Europe. Lora's pop finally sits down and Bender comes over to talk to Scotty. Bender is tall, lanky,wears Buddy Holly glasses, and is totally into football even though most people think he should play basketball because of his height. The party starts to break up and many people head outside. As Scotty and Lora chat in the moonlight, a dark figure leaps out from behind a bush. But don't get too excited--it's just Scotty's little brother, Denny. When asked why he bothered with this stunt, he says "To scare somebody. It's a party, right?" Yeah, a DINNER PARTY. Not a Halloween party! And you didn't even scare anybody! Denny runs off after telling Lora and Scotty they're both stupid. Tee hee. Conversation between the two turns to the Homecoming Dance which happens to be this Friday. Lora won't be able to attend so she thinks it would be fun if Scotty found someone else to go with. "You'd show up with some other girl and everyone would totally freak!" I hate these two. Do they honestly think that everyone really gives a shit? Lora was just kidding, though, and the two part ways after some aggressive kissing. *barf*

It's now the night of the Homecoming game/dance. Scotty is in the locker room punching things because his team is losing, 9-0. Scotty believes that the reason he's playing badly is because Lora isn't there--she's his good luck charm. Give me a break, man. Anyway, Bender is shocked when Scotty tells him that he isn't going to be attending the dance because Lora is away. Once again, why the hell would anyone care whether those two showed up?!?! The football team gets back on the field and they end up winning, 14-9. Then it's time for the traditional Homecoming bonfire. Pointless much? 200-300 students gather around the fire to cheer the football team's victory. The principal is even there. He announces that it's time to crown the Homecoming King and Queen and of course he says Scotty and Lora. Scotty is all embarrassed because Lora isn't there and this whole scene just makes me want to start a bonfire of my own and burn this stupid STUPID book. I'm not sure if I can make it through this entire thing. I mean, let's be honest--I hate most of what R.L. Stine has written. But I think that Scotty is the shittiest character EVER. I've never came across a character as self-absorbed as this asshole is. Seriously. And if your main character is a unlikable piece of dog doo, your entire book is pretty much doomed. The only thing that could possibly redeem this junk is the psycho. She better be absolutely batshit crazy! I hope she ends up killing Scotty and Lora. I know, I know--I'm horrible. But so are they! Anyway, Scotty leaves a few moments after the bonfire "party" breaks up and people start heading to the dance. As he's walking to his car, he spots a red haired girl in a pale green jacket bending over her bike. Scotty decides to be a good boy and see if she needs some help. He's immediately attracted to her: "Her long red hair falling loose behind her was wild and sexy. And she had a high forehead and big brown eyes and full red lips. He thought she looked very dramatic. Like an actress." I don't care what she looks like, sir. As long as she's batty, I'm good. Her name is Shannon Smith and her bike has a flat tire. Scotty offers to drive her home and she accepts. As he drives, they chat a little and Scotty ends up asking if she wants to get a hamburger or something. Lora who? He almost drives to Henry's, a local hangout, but decides that he'd better not because someone from school might see them there, God forbid! So they head to the Burger Basket instead. Scotty really likes Shannon, but he feels guilty because of dear old Lora. As they eat, he quickly sees that he and Shannon have nothing in common. She's not interested in going to college, she hates everything about her life, and has no ambition whatsoever. That means that whenever she begins killing people it won't matter because she has nothing to lose anyway! Scotty drives her home, opens her door like a good boy would, and is surprised when she grabs him and kisses him HARD. After getting her bike out of the trunk, Scotty asks if she'd like to go to the movies tomorrow night. Good riddance, Lora!! Shannon agrees and runs inside.

The next morning, Bender (for some reason, I keep wanting to call him Skeeter. No, I don't know why!) comes over to help Scotty rake leaves. Benderskeet asks what Scotty did the night before and Scotty lies and says he just chilled at home and watched a video Denny rented. Then Scotty suggests they quit this boring leaf raking and go check on Ernie, Scotty's pet snake. Ernie lives in a cage attached to a tree because Mom won't allow him in the house. Or something. I'm hazy on the details because I don't care about the damn snake. Mom interrupts the snakey happy time by sticking her head out the window and yelling that Scotty got a postcard from the dreaded Lora. Thankfully, Stine spares us the details and jumps right into the date with Shannon...

Scotty takes Shannon to the Westside theater which is one town over. Scotty completely ignored the film, opting instead to ogle Shannon: "He couldn't help stealing glances at her. She was wearing a tight wool sweater and a very short green leather skirt over sheer tights." A very far cry from LORA'S sensible pant suits. Rawr. Afterwards, as they're getting into Scotty's car, Scotty feels that asking her out was a mistake. Why? Because she doesn't know who John Candy is--"Is he the fat one?" I just...I really...I hate this book. In the car, all thoughts of John Candy fly away as Shannon grabs Scotty for some kiss kiss. Scotty breaks away and asks if she would like to go to Rainer Point. Shannon says hells to the no! Let's go to MY house instead! Geez, lady. Get some standards. They drive to Shannon's house and once inside, she pushes him on the couch and skeeves me out by saying "You're MY baby now." This entire interlude makes my skin crawl.

The next morning, Scotty is awakened by the sound of the phone ringing downstairs. Denny grabs it and tells Scotty it's for him. It's--who else?--Shannon. "Good morning, baby. I had such a good time last night. It's early, but I just wanted to talk to you. Did you dream about me?" Scotty is confused as to why this maniac is calling him and tells her he'll call her back later. His mom comes into the room and asks who was calling. Scotty lies and says it was just some girl from school calling about the psych homework. At 8:00 am. On Sunday morning. I'm sure. Scotty decides that he has to make it perfectly clear to Shannon that their little fling was a one time thing and he doesn't wanna see her anymore. I'm positive that will go over EXACTLY as he wants it to! *sarcasm* Lora gets home tonight so Scotty definitely has to do something about Shannon ASAP. Scotty showers, dresses, and heads downstairs just as the phone rings again. It's the amazing Shannon: "Hi, baby. Whatcha doin'? You didn't call me back." Ew. Scotty goes upstairs to talk on his own line and tells Denny to hang up the phone downstairs. Denny giggles and carries on until Scotty screams at him to hang up. Shannon says Denny sounds really cute and she can't wait to meet him. Ok then. Scotty makes it clear that he doesn't wanna date anymore and hangs up on Shannon. Ouch. Scotty heads back downstairs where his mom reminds him that he has to help out at Denny's school fair. Scotty is pissed because he'd rather be doing anything else besides checking coats at a school fair. I have no clue what's going on here. That evening, Scotty is eating dinner with the family and Shannon calls yet AGAIN. Guess she didn't get the message. Shannon asks if he's coming over and Scotty says "I'm sorry. We already subscribe to TV Guide." and hangs up. Poor Shannon. Scotty heads back to the dinner table, but the phone rings AGAIN. This time, though, it's Lora. She had a wonderful time in Europe, it was magical, and she's really tired now. Blah blah fucking blah. Scotty can hardly focus on Lora's babbling; he can't stop thinking of his Saturday night spent in Shannon's "dark, steamy living room." Ooo la la. He tells Lora they should spend all of next weekend together, but Lora reminds him that they're being crowned Teens of the Year for the Junior Chamber of Commerce. Oh puke. I'm so sick of hearing about how WONDERFUL! AMAZING! GLORIOUS! these two are. Teens of the Year?!?!? Cut me some slack, Stine! The two hang up and Scotty tells his mom he's going out for a drive. He digs through the closet for his favorite ball cap, but he can't find it. Then he remembers he left it at Shannon's. DUN DUN DUN! *cue Jaws music* But Scotty chooses not to go to Shannon's. She can keep the damn cap for all he cares--he isn't setting foot back in that seductress's love pit!

The next day at school, Scotty spots Shannon waiting for him at his locker. HAHAHAHA. You will never escape her, Scotty! You're in her clutches for life! Scotty asks her what the hell she's doing and she says "I wanted to see you. You're my baby now." Oh Shannon, you make me laugh. Thanks, I needed it. They argue a bit about whether or not Scotty is really her baby. Then Bender comes up to talk to Scotty, but when he realizes that Scotty is already conversing with someone else, he takes off. Scotty acts all embarrassed and tries to chase him down, but Bender is OFF. Scotty then gets all pissy with Shannon to which she replies in true psycho fashion "You're not being nice to me, baby. I was so nice to you. But you're not being nice to me." Then a single tear drops down her face before she walks off. Love it. Love it, BABY. Scotty eats lunch with Lora outside and Lora spots Shannon watching them. She asks him who that is and Scotty says he's never seen her before. Harsh, baby.

When Scotty gets home from school, he spies Shannon sitting on his front porch. He has an urge to run away, but decides he has to make it clear to her once and for all that he isn't interested in her period. This should be good. Scotty says hello and Shannon immediately replies "You have to break up with her." Scotty says no way, but Shannon no understand! "But you're my baby now." Scotty completely flips out, screaming that he is most certainly NOT her fucking baby! Our little psycho just won't stop, though: "I'm not good enough for you. Is that it? You're hurting my feelings. I'm very upset." Scotty protests, but Shannon just keeps talking. She mentions that her pro-wrestler brothers won't like this at all. Oh snap, Scotty, you screwed! Scotty turns and sees his mom's car turn the corner. He grabs Shannon's arm and tells her she has to leave now, but she doesn't wanna. "But I want to meet Mom. I think it's time I meet Mom, don't you?" Scotty gets rid of her by promising to call her later. Satisfied with this, Shannon says "Okay, baby." and leaves. Scotty proceeds to further lose his shit, throwing his backpack at the front door and shattering the glass. Good one. To make matters worse, Scotty gazes across the street and sees a very large person lurking in the bushes. He automatically assumes it's one of Shannon's brothers and calls out to him. But the big guy runs away before Scotty can get a good look at him. Scotty heads inside to lie to his mom about the front door. She asks him how it happened and he says "I don't know. I saw it as I came up the drive. Looks like somebody threw something at it." The lies just flow like a river.

After dinner, Scotty decides to call Shannon and attempt for the 565868 time to get her off his back. He chickens out, though, when he thinks about her big scary brothers. Bender calls and reminds Scotty that he missed practice that afternoon and the coach is pissed. Scotty makes up an incredibly lame and ineffectual excuse: "I was...busy. I had to do some things...for my mom." You couldn't sound more shady if you tried. He makes it sound like he was...well, let's just not go there. After a few more minutes of awkward, stilted conversation, the two hang up and Shannon calls. Yay! My life once again has meaning. She whispers "Baby, you didn't call." and Scotty loses his mind. "I didn't call you and I'm NEVER going to call you! I don't want to call you, Shannon! I don't want to see you! We're not going out. Not ever. Hear? I don't want to go out with you. Leave me alone. I mean it. Leave me alone, Shannon. Don't call me again." Ouch. Me thinks this won't go over well.

The next morning, Scotty is feeling pretty damn good. Lora calls while he's eating breakfast and the conversation is boring and shallow as usual. School goes smoothly--Shannon is nowhere in sight which is creepier than when she actually does show up. We all know Scotty's happiness and peace is short lived, though. When he gets home, he finds that his pet snake Ernie has been cut in half. Dammit! I haven't come across a dead pet in a while and I was beginning to think that I might make it for quite some time without seeing another pet die in a book by Stine. But here it is anyway. Not cool, Shannon! Speaking of Shannon, she calls after dinner to inform Scotty that he needs to break up with Lora. Scotty asks if she killed Ernie and she says "You've hurt me, baby. Please don't make me hurt you more." Scotty asks again if she killed the snake, but she still doesn't answer, saying instead that Scotty should come over and they can talk about it. After all, she's very lonely. No wonder, you crazy broad. Scotty threatens to call the police, but Shannon tells him that if he did such a thing, she would have to tell Lora allllll about their little relationship. That gives Scotty some pause because he would lose EVERYTHING. Yes, that's exactly what goes through his head. Lora is not everything, you stupid boy! Your life would not be ruined if that stupid wench went the way of the dinosaurs! *sigh* Why do I even bother? Scotty gets pissed off (as usual) and hangs up on Shannon. Denny comes into the room then to ask if he can borrow Ernie for his science show-and-tell. Scotty tells him that Ernie escaped somehow. *sob* In reality, Scotty threw Ernie's pieces into a trashbag and buried him behind the garage. R.I.P.

After football practice the next day, Bender walks home with Scotty. Unfortunately, Shannon makes an appearance. Shannon tells Scotty that he never came to see her last night. Bender tries to diffuse the situation with "humor": "Hi. I'm Scotty's good-looking friend, David Bender. But you can call me Bender like everyone else." Shannon completely ignores Bender, never taking her gaze off Scotty. "You hurt my feelings, baby. Why didn't you come over?" Scotty gives Shannon a death stare and tells Bender "Let's go, man. I don't know this girl." Bender makes me laugh a little by saying "She seems to know you, BABY!" Shannon grabs Scotty and won't let go no matter how hard he tries to get away from her. She tells him that she doesn't wanna hurt him, but she does anyway. She reaches out and breaks two of his fingers. She breaks his fingers!!! He screams and sinks to his knees while Bender gazes on in total shock. Shannon steps back, says "I'm so sorry, baby.", and runs off into the night. Ouch, baby. Fucking OUCH.

It's Friday night and time for another football game. Scotty is pissed because he can't play due to his busted hand. Tee hee. After the game, Lora has some good news for Scotty: her father decided to hire him as an intern at his big fancy architectural firm for the summer. Oh but the goodness doesn't end there! Scotty is also invited to the Cape with Lora's family for two weeks in August. Sadly, it's only November so Scotty has a hell of a long wait. They begin walking toward the parking lot and Scotty's heart sinks when he sees Shannon leaning against his car, waiting for him. Scotty also sees a large guy crouching behind a Jeep; it's the same guy he saw hiding in the bushes that day! Scotty quickly tells Lora that his car is out of gas so they should take her's. Lora is parked on the street and as they make their way to her car, Scotty looks back just in time to see flames shooting out of his car. Oh Shannon. You rock.

The next chapter is chock full of the kind of creepy goodness one might find in a horror flick. Shannon and Scotty are alone in Shannon's house. At least it SEEMS they're alone...until Scotty starts hearing footsteps upstairs. The house is dark and Shannon keeps getting closer and closer to Scotty asking to see his good hand so she can tell his future. Scotty keeps backing away and the footsteps get louder. Shannon says that he hurt her and her brothers don't like to see her hurt. He sees shadows on the walls and suddenly the lights come on and Shannon's brutish brothers are standing there in trench coats (is that supposed to be menacing?) Then they attack!

Oh, by the way, it was all a dream. GRRRRR. Scotty wakes up to the phone ringing. It's Lora. They talk about his burning car. The firemen think it was a match that caused it. Ok then. We all know what really happened. *wink wink* Lora invites Scotty over for Belgian waffles and mid-morning ass kissing. After eating, Lora takes Scotty to her room to show him the dress she'll be wearing for the Junior Commerce thingy later that night. It's basically a big blue shiny parachute. Bitchin'. NOT. She tells Scotty that he'll look like a horse in his jacket. What the hell? Why does he like her again? She gets distracted by something lying in the backyard. It's Scotty's favorite ball cap, the one he couldn't find in his closet that fateful day. Lora goes outside, picks it up, and notices that her beloved kitty, Fluffernutter (yes, the deluded bitch named her cat FLUFFERNUTTER. It was probably more than happy to die!) is lying dead beneath the hat. Lora starts crying and Scotty is tempted to tell her about Shannon since he knows this is her work. But before he can speak, Lora's father steps outside and asks what's going on. All he can say about poor little Fluffernutter is "How strange." Two dead pets. A cat named fucking Fluffernutter. Arrogant jerks. Combine all that together and you've yourself a real shit fest, folks. *sigh*

It's now time for the Junior Chamber of Commerce Autumn Ball. Gag me, baby. I really don't need to go into details here. The event is as stuffy and boring as you would imagine. Everyone keeps coming by to tell Lora and Scotty how grrrrrreat they are and I'm having a really hard time holding back the vomit. There is one shining light in all this darkness, though--Scotty's plaid jacket is providing me with some laughs. Lora tells him it looks like a horse blanket. *snort* These assholes get an award and $500 just for coming and being so GREAT! WONDERFUL! SUPERCALIFRAGILISTIC! I don't care if I spelled it wrong! Dammit, Scotty! Anyway, a guy named Paul comes up to Scotty to tell him that there's a girl outside that wants to see him. They won't let her in because she doesn't have an invitation, but she's saying she's Scotty's date. Hell yeah, Shannon! I knew you'd come through. Scotty goes out into the hall where guests have to check in and there stands the magnificent Shannon. She's the one who deserves the awards and money! Scotty thinks about how tacky she looks: "Her hair had been carefully brushed for once, he saw, and tied back with a red hair ribbon. She was wearing a bright red dress, very tight, cut low in the front, very short, ending only halfway down her thighs." So she looks like a hooker. She probably looks better than 85% of the people there, horse boy, including you. Shannon says "Tell them who I am, baby. I'm your date, right, Scotty?" She smiles at him and he notices she has red lipstick smeared all over her teeth. Love it! One of the guards asks Scotty if she is actually his date and Shannon grabs Scotty's arm and begins pulling him toward the door. "Tell them, baby. I'm your date. I'm coming in. I want to meet everybody." Oh I bet you do, crazy lady. Scotty panics: "My life will be ruined, he thought, feeling himself overcome with panic. If I walk into the ballroom with her, if Lora sees me with her, if everyone sees her, my life will be ruined." Come on! Give the little psycho a chance! She feels like a princess! Mwahahahaha! Scotty tells her no and she starts running toward the doors anyway. Scotty tackles her to the ground because the guards are standing there like useless statues. They wrestle for a bit and finally some people come over and drag Shannon's screaming ass out the door. BOOOOO! But she isn't going down that easily! She kicks a guard in the knee and comes running for Scotty yet again. He finally says he'll take her out next weekend if she'll leave now. Of course he has no intentions of actually taking her anywhere. He just wants her off his back. She agrees and runs through the parking lot in her clunky red shoes. She runs to a car where one of her brothers is waiting and her brother gets out and starts running toward the building. Oh shit. Scotty sees the guy come into the lobby so Scotty runs to the men's room. He stands at the sinks wiping blood from his face where Shannon scratched him when they had their little wrestling match earlier. Then the door squeaks open and the brother comes in. Scotty darts into a stall and climbs on the toilet seat. He sits quietly and listens to the guy walk down the row of stalls. Then he hears the door squeak open so he climbs off the toilet and opens the stall door...only to see the brother standing there! AHHHH! He tells Scotty he wants to talk, but Scotty pussies out and runs away to the ballroom. He slips into his seat beside Lora just as some old chick takes the microphone to blab about Scotty and Lora. Blah blah blah.

Lora calls on Wednesday night and Scotty makes up some story about having to hang out with his cousin on Saturday night. Lora reminds him that his birthday is on Saturday and she has big plans for him and just how could he forget a thing like that? He says he can always see his "cousin" on Sunday. I'm sure Shannon will just loooooove this.

Saturday rolls around and at about 6 pm, Scotty takes a drive to Shannon's house. He plans on telling her that he's sick of her shit and he wants it to stop. As if this worked the other times you tried to tell her! She's standing at the door waiting for him: "She was dressed all in white, in a short straight skirt and a white turtleneck sweatertop." Fashion is fun. Anyway, Scotty immediately loses his cool when he enters the house. Shannon calls him baby as usual and he screams at her that he isn't her baby. Shannon just ignores Baby's anger and tells him she has made dinner and it's going to be so special. She asks him how his hand is, but he jerks away from her and says he has to leave and he wants her to leave him alone. Shannon's response? "You're not being nice to me, Scotty. I made this nice dinner for us. I want this night to be special." You know she's serious--she called him Scotty, after all. Shannon once again threatens to tell Lora everything if Scotty leaves. I don't really know why Scotty freaks out so badly when she says that. I mean, it isn't as if these two have actually done anything. They went on one date, she's been stalking him, the end. If anything, SHE should be afraid of the consequences, not him! I hate siding with Scotty on anything, but this bothers me. Scotty loses his mind and starts choking Shannon. He throws her to the floor and she doesn't get back up because the bastard killed her! NOOOOOOO!!!! SHANNON!!!! *sob* I don't see any real reason to continue reading this book now that my beloved is dead and gone. But I really wanna know what Scotty does next, baby. He picks up her body and lays it in the backseat of his car. You won't believe where this idiot decides to store the body--in Lora's cellar. Lora will be at his house by now, picking him up for his birthday party, so her house will be empty and he can store Shannon there until he can figure out what to do. You've gotta be kidding, baby! Use that big Princeton brain of yours!

He drives to Lora's house, hauls Shannon out of the car, and creeps into the kitchen. Just as he's about to take her down to the basement (basement or cellar? Is there a difference?) he flips the light on and gets the shock of his motherf&^*ing life. I need a moment to savor this scene because it's truly awesome. "And as he turned, Lora, Bender, the DeMarcos (that would be Lora's parents), his mother, and about twenty or thirty other friends jumped up from behind the kitchen counters, all shouting in unison 'SURPRISE!' " It just hurts so good, baby! Everyone is immediately horrified when they see that Scotty is carrying a corpse. They're even more surprised when the so-called "corpse" wakes up. Shannon wasn't dead after all--she was simply unconscious. I guess Scotty couldn't be bothered with checking her pulse or anything. Scotty sets Shannon down and tells everyone he thought he killed her. Wow. Scotty takes Lora aside and tells her all about Shannon. Suddenly Shannon darts over to the table stacked with presents and begins ripping them open. Scotty asks her what the hell she thinks she's doing and she screams "You're not my baby anymore!" Oh baby. Shannon unwraps a ski pole and charges at Scotty with it. Scotty makes a dash for the back door and finds one of Shannon's giant brothers on the other side. When Scotty tells him that he didn't hurt his sister, the guy looks confused and says "Sister?" He pulls out a police badge and informs Scotty of who he really is: "Lieutenant Jarmusch, juvenile division." Say what? Shannon takes one look at the officer and says "Uh-oh." Jarmusch crosses the room, grabs Shannon, and asks if everyone is ok. "This one can be dangerous." Dangerously awesome. The Lieutenant tells everyone about Shannon's sordid history. She was convicted of manslaughter, but was tried as a juvenile and got off with hardly any punishment. She's been seeing her parole officer often and convinced him that things were ok. But Lieutenant Jarmusch got suspicious and decided to check up on her. She's been living in the house alone, she has no family, and she desperately needs some psychiatric treatment. Jarmusch takes Shannon away and the party dies pretty quickly. Scotty stays behind to apologize to Lora for the date with Shannon. The last lines of the book make me want to kill myself: " 'Well," said Lora thoughtfully, "I'll tell you one thing. This was one surprise party that was a surprise for everyone!" They were both still smiling as she walked him out to his car to say goodnight." So I guess everyone is pretending that a psycho didn't just try to kill Scotty? Ok then.

Conclusion? Shannon is freaking awesome. She's the only reason to read this book. The ending was a total disappointment! I wanted a birthday party MASSACRE! She should've wielded that ski pole and impaled everyone!

Next time: Oh, baby, it's gonna be "Cheerleaders: The Second Evil" The next few entries will be plagued by evil cheerleaders as I muddle through The Second Evil, The Third Evil, and The New Evil (the one with the homicidal Santa Claus on the cover) Good times.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Killer's Kiss

Book Description:

Delia and Karina have always been rivals. For the best grades, the most friends, the hottest guys. This year, they both want Vincent--the most popular boy at Shadyside High. Karina is determined to win--no matter what it takes. And if she can't have Vincent, she'll make sure that no-one can.

My Description:

*sigh* Stories like this make my eyes burn with tears of hatred--no guy on this earth is worth killing people for! I knew I was gonna hate this book from the moment I picked it up, but that cover is irresistable. In a trashy cheesy way, of course, but irresistable nonetheless. That guy looks like a total tool. Let's find out how this MASTERPIECE stacks up.

Vincent and Delia have just finished sucking face and apparently it was magical: "Wow." Delia reapplies her fugly purple lipstick while Vincent gazes on in admiration. Are teenage guys this pathetic? See, I was a fucking nerd when I was a teenager (and I still am). A nerd whose contact with the opposite sex consisted of making fart jokes with my gay friend Stephen. So I'm really unsure about the habits of the average teenage guy. Although according to Fear Street books, teenage boys are brainless Ken dolls who are at the mercy of whatever female happens to cross their path. I can't mention sex because as we know, no-one in Shadyside has sex--children come from magical fairy eggs. Anyway, Delia mentions that they really need to plan Vincent's birthday party, but it doesn't look like they'll be getting around to it because they wasted too much time playing tonsil hockey. Vincent wants her to stick around, though. Not because he really likes her but because he's expecting Karina over at 9:00 and he needs something to entertain him while he waits. Asshole. Vincent enjoys giving Delia line after line: "You'd look awesome in purple vinyl!" and "You have great hair." and "You know that purple lipstick drives me crazy." Purple purple purple! Just call her Grimace.

While he kisses Delia, he compares she and Karina. Karina has blonde hair, blue eyes, and reminds Vincent of Michelle Pfeiffer. Delia is outgoing, outrageous, and a whole lot uglier than Karina. Vincent can't decide which girl he likes best even though Karina sounds a LOT better than Delia (not just because of their looks). At least she doesn't slather herself in purple lipstick and vinyl. Delia breaks away from Vincent's crusty lips for a moment to tell him that she can't believe she ever thought he liked Karina. HA! Little do you know! Vincent catches sight of the clock and notices that it has stopped. Uh-oh--it could already be 9:00! He jumps up and tells Delia that she has to leave right away because his parents might be home soon and who wants their parents coming in on such a purple mess? No-one, that's who. Just as Delia pulls away in her car, Karina pulls up. He tells her he's been so bored waiting for her. Lie much, Vince? As soon as Karina steps into the house, she gasps and says "Oh no! I don't believe it!" She smacks Vincent across the face after wiping PURPLE LIPSTICK off his cheek. Grimace left a calling card! And Karina gets 47585 points for that smack. Vincent makes up some lame ass lie about Delia stopping by for help with her American Civ homework and she kissed him goodbye as she left. Karina is still pissed, but more at Delia than at Vincent even though Vincent sucks.

Karina suddenly flips out: "I'm sick of Delia! I hate her! I won't let her win this time!" She runs out of the house and drives away. Ok then.

The next day, Delia is hanging out with her friends in the bleachers watching intramural basketball. Chills and thrills! Delia's mind is on Vincent's kisses from the night before. Gag me with a spork. Delia is wearing the most god-awful clothes this side of Claudia Kishi--an orange shirtdress with bright yellow flowers all over it. Sick. Delia's friend, Britty (yes BRITTY), interrupts Delia's thoughts by mentioning the Conklin Award. The Conklin is basically a scholarship that Delia desperately needs because in addition to being a fashion victim and a Grimace impersonator, she's also poor. Without the Conklin, she'll have to go to Waynesbridge Junior College instead of the fancy fashion college in NYC she'd rather go to. WAHHHH! In order to win the Conklin, candidates not only have to have top notch grades, they also have to perform in a talent show thing. Seriously? That makes no sense whatsoever. But I'll ignore it, Stine, because you're looking awfully sexy in that sweater. Anyway, there are seven students up for the award and--surprise surprise!--Karina is one of them. Delia's friends list all the things that Delia has done for the school, but Delia doesn't give a shit about that because Karina has done soooo much more. Shut up, Delia. Britty asks Delia why she hates Karina so much. Delia explodes because she thinks Britty is defending Karina. I hate this bullshit. It's so very high school, so very melodramatic, so very sickening. What happens next is just...odd. Karina bursts through the doors of the gym, spots Delia, and immediately starts ranting: "You! Delia, you witch! I hate you! You're not going to win this time, Delia!" Karina wraps her spindly fingers around Delia's throat in an attempt to choke her. May I remind you that all of this is going down in the name of Vincent? Delia almost blacks out, but yanks on Karina's hair just in time. Karina screams and backs off for a moment. About 1.5 seconds later, Karina pulls one of Delia's earrings, tearing her earlobe. Eventually Delia's friend, Gabe, pulls Karina away. *sigh* Fuck that noise. Instead of battling one another, these idiots need to kick Vincent's stupid ass all over Shadyside.

The next evening, Vincent is hanging out at Delia's house staring at some drawings Delia has done for the Conklin competition thingy. Most of them are drawings of her friends and Vincent notices that she didn't do one of him. That's because you're total crap, Vince. Delia notices that Vincent is paying more attention to the basketball game on TV than to her. She just chalks it up to him being tired and upset over the Karina incident the day before. Keep lying to yourself, dear. You might start to believe it. Delia mentions that she and Karina actually used to be friends and she doesn't know where things went wrong. You're LOOKING at what went wrong! Being an insensitive bastard, Vincent doesn't really wanna talk. He just wants to make out, but Delia isn't really feeling it. She makes the mistake of saying "You won't let this thing with Karina come between us will you?" which causes Vincent to get pissed off because he doesn't wanna talk about Karina anymore. He grabs her and kisses her which is my cue to ralph up the tacos I ate earlier. Delia breaks away and flips out a little when she notices that someone is watching them. It's just Delia's bratty 15 year old sister, Sarah. She's supposed to be at swim practice which is why Delia is so startled to see her. Delia tells her to leave them alone, but Sarah doesn't want to and Delia retaliates by saying that Sarah is just jealous because she can't get a date. This pisses Sarah off and she screams "I hate you!" in Delia's face before kicking a few of Delia's drawings to the floor. Then she grabs Delia's self-portrait and runs out of the room. How old are these people again? Delia chases her, but Sarah refuses to return the picture. Instead, she leans over the banister and tells Delia that she'll do more than spy next time. I look forward to it.

The next afternoon, Delia is digging through her locker for her geology notebook and thinking about Sarah. She hears someone behind her say "So I was wondering if you want to hang out or something on Saturday." She turns and sees Stewart Andrews standing behind her. Stewart is one of the people that Delia has to compete against for the Conklin and Delia finds him to be quite the babe. Delia is tempted to take him up on the offer, but she spots Vincent coming down the hall and informs Stew that she's already taken. Lady, get a fucking grip! Vincent is a total douchebag who doesn't care about you in the least! Why the hell am I trying to reason with someone who doesn't even exist?! Just further proof that I am losing the last tiny bits of sanity I've managed to salvage. Anyway, Delia thinks it's weird that Stewart didn't already know that she was with Vincent; she thought everyone knew. She walks off to return a book to the library and then heads to the geology lab to meet Britty. She walks past a storage room and thinks she hears her name drift out of the slightly open door. She creeps closer and manages to get a peek inside. Stewart is in there chatting with Karina. Delia moves closer and hears her name uttered more than once. Before she can hear more, Britty comes up and drags her into the lab. Delia tells Brit her theory on what's taking place in the closet: "I think she sent him to ask me out. She's trying to use him to break up me and Vincent." I'm already over this book and I'm only 41 pages in. Britty asks Delia why Stewart would ever help Karina because it doesn't really make any sense. Delia finally admits that the two probably weren't plotting against her and she should really lay off the peyote. The girls see Karina exit the closet and Delia begs Britty to go talk to her: "Britty! Maybe we can help Karina. Maybe you could talk to her. You know. Explain how much Vincent and I care about each other." Correction--how much YOU care about HIM. Delia sucks. Does she honestly think that Karina is going to be reasonable about this? I mean, the girl tried to tear Delia's ear off! Britty agrees and runs down the hall to ask Karina if she wants to hang out later. Delia eavesdrops on the whole conversation and is shocked when she hears Karina say "Tell your best friend Delia something for me. Tell her she'll never win the Conklin. I guarantee it. And she won't get Vincent away from me either. Did you hear me, Delia? I know you're standing there listening. Listen all you want. Do you really want to hear something? I'll give you something to listen to, Delia. I'll do anything. Do you hear me? I'll do ANYTHING to keep you from winning!" Oh sweet sadistic Karina. I love your wicked ways. I only wish your beef with Delia wasn't over a big fat stupid loser who gets a boner at the sight of a retarded purple alien.

Or whatever the hell that thing is. I've never really stopped to consider it. I prefer the Hamburglar.

Sweet. Anyway! That night, Delia is lying in bed trying to go to sleep, but she can't because she's plagued by thoughts of Karina. Suddenly she hears a scraping sound break the silence. Someone enters her room and puts their hand over her mouth and nose, pressing her down into the pillow. Delia finally manages to break away and sees that the intruder is none other than Karina. I'm sure none of us saw that coming from a mile away. Karina raises a pistol and says "This won't hurt. You won't feel a thing." Wow. I think this book just got a whole lot better. Nah, never mind. It wasn't a freaking pistol. It was a tube of lipstick. Yes, Delia thought a tube of lipstick was a freaking pistol. *sigh* Karina draws lines all over Delia's face with the lipstick. OH DEAR JEHOVAH NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Then Delia wakes up. I can do nothing but shake my head at this point. This book is shaping up to be like a crappy Lifetime movie.

The next day is the Conklin talent competition that I don't understand. Delia is last in line and nervous as hell. I don't know why she's feeling so jittery. If she can't get into her fancy fashion school, she could always go to work as a ghostwriter for R.L. Stine. Aw yeahhhhhh. Stewart is performing a magic act, Karina is singing and playing the piano, and Delia will be singing and playing guitar (I don't know the other four kids are doing). Someone tell me how this has ANYTHING to do with getting a scholarship. I'm assuming that this entire set-up is just a convenient plot contrivance and we'll learn the point of it all soon enough. It's now Karina's turn and Delia is disappointed to learn that Karina has a beautiful voice. In the middle of Karina's performance, Delia notices that Sarah is sitting in the front row. Delia is disturbed because Sarah is staring at her like she wants to murder her then and there. When Sarah starts grinning, Delia knows that she's up to no good. Ooo...this should be good. It BETTER be good or this book is going to be buried in the trashcan. What am I saying? Not even psycho Sarah can save this piece of crap! It is now Delia's turn to take the stage and I'm giddy with anticipation--what is Sarah gonna do? Delia steps onstage and announces to the judges that she has written an original song. She opens her guitar case and gets a nasty little surprise--the strings are all cut and the words 'HA HA' are written in red paint across the front. Also, crammed into the hole in the center of the guitar is a decomposing rat carcass. Delia completely flips out and throws the case to the floor. The dead rat tumbles out and falls on Delia's shoe. *giggle* I'm truly in love with this scene. I think I'll marry it. Delia sinks down to her knees and Britty comes running to help her out. Delia starts screaming at Karina, throwing accusations. Karina denies everything: "I don't need any tricks. Not to beat you." Damn straight. Delia watches in awe as Karina walks up to Sarah, says something, and the two walk away together. Delia is sure they were in this together and she just doesn't know what to do! WAHHHH!

At home that evening, Delia is still thinking about the rat and worrying about what might happen at her next performance (yes, she gets to try again next week). She perks up a little when she pulls into the driveway and notices a note tacked to the front door. It's from the almighty Vincent and he wants her to meet him at Red Heat later. She immediately thinks of what she's going to wear: black suede miniskirt, black suede fringed vest, purple lace bodysuit, red platform shoes. Ouch. Britty borrowed the skirt a few weeks ago so Delia decides to drive on over and get it back. Britty answers the door covered in flour and chocolate icing. She and the girls' friend, Gabe, are baking chocolate chip cookies instead of studying like they should be. Gotta love a man in an apron. Delia goes inside to indulge in some cookie eating and momentarily forgets about her issues with Karina and such.

On the drive home, Delia is feeling pretty good. Until she turns on Park Drive and spots Karina and Vincent kissing, loses control of the car on a patch of ice, and slams into a tree. The airbag inflates in her face and a moment later, she hears someone calling her name. It's Karina who tells her that things aren't as bad as they seem: "You've got a big dent in the hood. And one headlight is smashed. Nothing serious. As long as you're ok." How sweet of her to pretend to care. And just where the hell has Vincent gone? Karina says he went to call Delia's parents. The girls use this opportunity to discuss the fact that Vincent has been playing them both. They decide to declare a truce--no more fighting. Delia doesn't completely trust Karina, though, and decides that she's going to keep seeing Vincent anyway. Delia, you truly define the word 'jackass'. Seriously. This guy is OBVIOUSLY a jerk, a weasel, a snake in the grass! Get a grip, lady!

That night, Vincent calls Delia to inform her that he can't make it to Red Heat tonight so they'll have to go this weekend. The only reason he cancelled was because he saw Karina and Delia talking earlier and he's afraid they're banding against him: "If Delia and Karina became friends again, it would totally mess up his life." What a selfish asshole. He tells Delia that he saw the two girls talking and if Karina said anything to Delia, he needs to set the record straight. He claims that Karina just grabbed him on Park Drive and started kissing him. "She's pathetic." Grrrrrr! Vincent ends the conversation when he's satisfied that Delia believes him. Then he turns to the girl sitting next to him and says "That wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. She was really angry." The mystery girl tells him she'll get over it and Vincent replies "You're really evil, Sarah." What the hell?!!? Sarah, you little harlot! Who else could we possibly add to this little web of deception? Web of Deception! If this were a Lifetime movie, that would totally be the title.

The next afternoon, Delia is preparing to show off her artwork to the judges in what I assume is part two of the Conklin talent competition. Karina is already showing off HER art which is, of course, absolutely fabulous. Eventually it's Delia's turn and she walks into the room and opens her portfolio. The first thing that catches her eye is a dark smear of purple. Uh-oh. Every drawing is ruined--someone smeared purple lipstick all over everything. When Delia looks at her self-portrait, she's shocked: "Dark purple lipstick blocked out the eyes. They stared blankly up at Delia. Two round purple circles. The lipstick had been ground into the canvas. Gouging a hole in one spot. Underneath the drawing, she could read a drawing scrawled in purple: "HA HA. Couldn't you just die?" The judges ask Delia just what the hell is going on and Delia loses it, screaming "Can't you SEE? Can't you see what someone has done to me?" She then drops the portfolio to the floor and runs out of the room. Yeah, I think you can kiss that Conklin good-bye. To make things even worse, Delia comes across Karina and Vincent cuddling and kissing in the hall. Dear Lord. Will it never end?!

Later that afternoon, Delia is hanging out at Britty's house, moping and complaining about her botched drawings. She wants to drop out of the competition completely, but Britty says that she shouldn't do that, she should simply tell the judges that Karina is sabotaging her work. As if they'll believe that without concrete evidence. Delia confesses that she's afraid of Karina, but she can't back down from this competition because if she does, she'll never get to New York! WAHHHHH! She suddenly feels an urge to talk to Vincent, but Britty tries to talk her out of it: "You're going to see Vincent? After what you saw today? After all the lies he told you? Why? Why do you want to talk to him? Let Karina have him. They deserve each other." But Delia is a stubborn fool who says she has to give Vincent a chance to explain himself. I can feel my blood pressure rising...I think my head might explode before I finish this thing. Anyway, Delia drives over to Vincent's place, walks past the front window on her way to the door, and spies Vincent snuggling up to some girl on the couch. Delia barges in without knocking and when she sees Vincent and the chick making out, she screams "Get away from her!" Vincent and the girl break apart and Delia is horrified to see that the girl is Sarah. Vincent and Sarah have absolutely ZERO shame and act as if nothing happened while Delia gazes on in shock. Delia notices that Sarah is wearing one of her shirts and some of her purple lipstick. Vincent attempts to make some extremely lame excuse as to why Sarah stopped by even though he's been caught red handed. I hate you, Vincent. My hatred burns with the heat of a thousand suns! IN HELL! I don't care if that made no sense. I'm too pissed to think clearly. I don't know why I let these stupid books get to me. *sob* Sarah grabs her coat and prepares to leave, but before she goes, Delia whispers in her ear: "You didn't really think he would choose you over me, did you? Even in my clothes and makeup, you're nothing special." Sarah gets teary eyed and Delia feels good about hurting her sister. She then turns to Vincent expecting some answers for his bad behavior. He lies like a damn dog as usual. First, he tells her that he felt sorry for Sarah and thought he would give her some pointers so other guys wouldn't think she was such a geek. When Delia brings up Karina, Vincent has this to say: "Karina has this idea that I'm her boyfriend. I don't know why, but she does. I've been trying to figure out what to do. But you know Katrina. You know how out-of-control she can get." Anger...boiling...over. I hate you so much, Vincent. I've come across a lot of creeps in these books, but you are truly one of a kind. Delia begs Vincent to talk to Karina and get her some help because Delia is terrified of Karina.

Well, it's finally Vincent's fucking birthday party. Considering the fact that he chose to have his party in a creepy old mansion on Fear Street, I'm sure this book is about to get a whole lot worse. Save me. This mansion is deserted and Vincent has called "squatter's rights". Somehow the electricity and everything never got turned off so they can use the location to celebrate the unholy occasion of Vincent's birth. Save. Me. Vincent thinks it's weird that Delia hasn't shown up yet, but everyone else is there so who cares? Britty does and she pulls Vincent off the dance floor to ask him where she is. Vincent really doesn't care. Around midnight, people start to leave and Vincent realizes that Delia never bothered to show up. Suddenly the door bursts open and Delia comes staggering in like a drunk on a bender. One of her high heels are broken and the right sleeve of her dress is ripped and her arms are covered in scratches and she's got blood all over her face. She begs for help and Gabe and Britty come running. They help Delia lie down and wipe the blood off her face. Delia calms down enough to explain what happened, all the while pointing fingers at Karina: "She invited me to her house tonight. Before the party. She said she wanted to talk. She wanted to apologize for all the horrible things she's done to me. She said she wanted to be friends again." At this point, Karina flips out and says she never did anything of the sort. Delia goes on to say that Karina hit her in the head with something, knocked her out, and when she woke up, she was tied to the bed. Kinky. Delia shows everyone the rope burns around her wrists as Karina screams that none of this is true. Delia keeps taunting Karina until Karina goes completely ballistic: "Noooo! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I hate you! I hate you ALL!" She runs out of the house and someone says they should call her parents to inform them of what's going on. I love how these people are all so calm like they didn't just break someone's mind into pieces or anything.

The next morning, Britty and Delia are getting ready to go out. Where are they going, you ask? They're headed back to the old mansion to be a part of Vincent's clean-up crew. Oh man. You people suck! I mean, it's nice and everything, but Vincent is such an asshole to expect everyone else to clean up for him. Gabe stops by to pick the girls up and he brought doughnuts to eat on the way. Yum. When the three arrive at the house, it's dark and deserted. Vincent was supposed to already be here and they begin to search for him. So these three are the entire "clean-up crew"? Ok then. After a bit, Delia spots Vincent lying on the floor surrounded by empty pizza boxes and soda cans. He isn't moving which isn't anything to be too worried about--I know I can't move after I've gorged myself on soda and pizza. *drool* Oh, never mind. Vincent isn't in a food induced stupor. He's just dead. Someone stabbed him in the chest. I wish I felt something, but I don't because Vincent sucked, man, he just sucked. They call the cops and go outside to stand on the porch and wait for them. Two officers finally show up, Detective Bender (tee hee) and Detective Jamison. They explain the situation to the detectives and then lead them inside. As the detectives examine the body, Britty nudges Delia and points out the purple lipstick marks on Vincent's cheek. Oh shut up. The detectives also notices that Delia is wearing the same lipstick that is smudged all over the corpse and they start asking her questions. Then they go to call everyone's parents to take them down to the station for more questioning. Down at the station, Delia is sitting alone in a room. An officer enters and shows her two photos. One shows the purple lip print on Vincent's cheek and the other is a close-up of Delia's face. The detective says that the print and Delia's lips are a perfect match. Delia claims that is impossible, but the detective simply repeats himself. Delia sits silently for a moment then brightens up and says "I'm innocent! I can prove it! If I kissed Vincent, the print on his cheek wouldn't appear the way my lips do in the photo. The print would be reversed." Oh goody. Even after Delia demonstrates her theory with a napkin and her favorite lipstick, the detectives still seem confused. It's really not that difficult to grasp, idiots. Delia then says she thinks KARINA is the one who killed Vincent. She explains how crazy Karina has been lately. One of the detectives says they'll have to check it out and Delia is relieved that she's off the hook.

After leaving the police station, instead of riding home with her parents, Delia decides to walk over to Britty's house in the dark. This is a set-up for something awful to happen. But Delia ends up going to Karina's house instead of Britty's because she just HAS to know whether or not Karina is the murderer! What a moron. If Karina really did do all those horrible things to Delia then why in hell would Delia want to be alone with her? Only 19 pages left. Can we make it? I hope so. Anyway, it turns out Delia doesn't go to Karina's house alone. The detectives decide to tag along and Delia hides in the bushes while they go to the door. Karina answers the door and it's obvious she's been crying. Her mother also comes to the door to speak with the detectives. They say they'd like to speak with Karina and she allows them inside. Once they're in, Delia creeps around to the living room window and peeks inside. She gets a shock when she sees Karina staring right at her. HA. She ducks down, afraid that she was caught. Why is she even doing this?!?! Why couldn't she just talk to the cops later about what they found out? It isn't like she can hear anything that Karina is saying! After a bit of watching Karina and the detectives through the window, Delia gets bored and decides to sneak into the house. Yeah, this will turn out well, I'm sure. Delia goes in a side door, tip-toes upstairs, and hears someone rustling around in Karina's room. Oh Delia, you have truly reached new heights of stupidity--how do you suppose you're going to get OUT of the house without someone seeing you? The door is slightly open so she peeks inside. The two detectives are searching through Karina's things while Karina stands by and babbles on about something. Then Detective Bender finds something interesting stuffed in a drawer--pages of notebook paper and several tissues all marked with purple lipstick. Give me a fucking break. This lipstick shit is ridiculous. It doesn't prove a damn thing. The detectives explain the "significance" of the lip marks and Karina says she would never harm Vincent because she cared for him and he cared for her. This causes Delia to lose her cool and she screams "No! He didn't care about you! He didn't! And you killed him! You killed him! The only boy I ever loved!" What a drama queen. The detectives are pissed because they told her stay outside and Karina is shocked to see her. Delia charges at Karina and the girls wrestle a bit before backing off. The detectives didn't even try to break this up...make of that what you will. The detectives decide to leave with Karina and her mother for the station.

It's now prom night. I know, right? Of all the random things! Delia and Gabe have decided to forego prom and arrive at Shadyside Psychiatric Hospital all decked out in their finery. Delia is OF COURSE wearing purple. Plenty has happened since the night the detectives found the tissues and notebook paper in Karina's drawer: Karina is now institutionalized and Delia won the stupid Conklin Award. Speaking of the Conklin, Gabe brings it up and Delia says "It's not the way I wanted to win it." Gabe is confused so Delia explains: "If only Karina had realized how much she already had. She had Vincent. And she had the Conklin Award. Karina would have won, you know. She would have won them both. If I had let her." Oh no. OH HELL NO. Delia goes on: "I took charge. Don't you get it? I started with the small stuff. You know. Jamming the rat into my guitar and smearing purple lipstick over my paintings." HATE!!!! "I could tell those little tricks wouldn't be enough. Karina was too pretty and too talented. The judges loved her. So I had to do something else. Something more..." Gabe is totally horrified at what he's hearing and has an urge to run away, but he can't because this is just too juicy. Delia says that she had to kill Vincent because he liked Karina better and because she caught him kissing Sarah that time. She laughingly confesses that she snuck into Karina's house while Karina was at Vincent's birthday party and planted those incriminating tissues and sheets of paper. Delia turns to Gabe and says "You won't tell on me--will you? Will you? Will you, Vincent? I mean Gabe." Then she plants purple kisses all over his face. Creepy. Gabe hears a noise and turns. A doctor is standing there and he tells Gabe "I heard the whole story. I'll phone the police." YAY! Delia gets a comeuppance!

Conclusion? This wasn't the worst Fear Street I've ever read, I must admit, but it was so paint-by-numbers. I've read various incarnations of the same story a million times! I'm surprised there isn't a "Killer's Kiss 2" in which Karina is released and Delia is committed but breaks out to hunt down Karina and get some revenge.

Next time: "The Girlfriend" This one isn't actually a Fear Street novel (yeeeeee-hawwwwww!) but it's about a stalking, murderous nutjob (I think) so it may as well be!

Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns (Goosebumps #48)

PUMPKIN POWER! Nothing beats Halloween. It's Drew Brockman's favorite holiday. And this year will be awesome. Much better ...