Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Goodnight Kiss 2


Book Description:

Billy has been to Sandy Hollow before. This summer, he's returning to the little resort town, but not for fun in the sun. He is searching for creatures of the night--the vampires who prey on the tourists there. Billy's girlfriend was one of those tourists until the vampires killed her. Now Billy has vowed to destroy them all even if he must join them trying.

My Description:

* After reading the first book, I must admit that I'm not feeling enthusiastic about this one. In fact, I'm almost 100% positive that this book will also be a literary abortion. At least there will be REVENGE! in this one... *

Prologue

Two kooky teens, Diana and Eric, are walking on the beach one evening. Since Diana doesn't wanna leave yet and she's paying extra close attention to the time ("It was at least an hour before dawn. Diana had plenty of time.") we can assume that she's the vampire here. Eric complains about leaving and Diana drops the bomb: "I brought you here to die." Well, at least she's honest. Eric's fangs drop a minute later and I will have to kill myself if it turns out to be a Gabri/Jessica situation. But it doesn't! Because Diana isn't a vampire at all! Turns out, she's a woman on a mission--vampires killed her cousin last summer so now she's gonna kill them all, dammit! REVENGE! Before Eric can make with the chomp-chomp, Diana grabs a discarded beach umbrella and shoves the pointy tip directly through his cold, dead heart. His skin melts away and his skeleton turns to dust. Diana stirs the dust with a stick and says "Goodbye, Eric. I had a very nice time." Ok, who agrees that Diana is kinda fucking awesome?

Part One - Party Time

We begin with (what else?) talk of pizza. Attention teens of Sandy Hollow and all surrounding areas (this means you, Shadyside!)--I swear to you, there ARE other things to eat! Make a sandwich! Or some soup! Eat a fucking salad (if you can remember what vegetables are)! *sigh* Ok, moving on. Billy Naughton, Jay Windley, Nate Stanton, and Nate's little sister, Lynette, are walking along Main Street. Billy is pointing out the various restuarants and shops because apparently his friends are either blind or illiterate and thus unable to read the signs for themselves. We quickly learn that Jay is the asshole of the group, making fun of Billy and Nate because they have to get jobs and he doesn't. "I'm going to hang out at the beach and get a killer tan. But I'll be thinking about you poor working guys all the time." I'm going to interpret that as "I begged my parents to let me get a job so I wouldn't have to hang out with them, but it looks like my summer will be spent in dusty antique stores and shitty theme restaurants after all." Jay asks them where they'll be working; Billy will be out on a boat and Nate will be on the golf course. So a pirate and a ball boy. Could be worse. They head for the beach and immediately spot a freaking flock of bats. The bats are headed to Vampire Island and Billy tells the others that the bats live in the abandoned houses there. That cracks me up...I keep picturing the bats holding dinner parties and watching crappy horror movies in the den and redecorating. Maybe there's a Martha Stewart bat.

[Insert horrifying image of Martha Bat here.]

The group walks back to the boardwalk and suddenly Lynette starts screaming "No! Let him go! Let him go! Nooo!" A group of thug-4-life bats swoop upon a poor little dog and carry it away to the island. Yes, you read that correctly--the fucking bats just kidnapped a dog. Add that to the fact that this chapter is titled "Doggie Goes Flying" and I am majorly pissed at Stine. Another animal added to the death menagerie. The boys attempt to rescue the dog, but they obviously don't care enough because the bats get away with their meal...although Billy does silently vow to kill them all before summer's end. Yawn. I've heard it all before. Less playing, more slaying!

The group decides to head home and on the way, Billy tells them those bats were vampires. Jay and Nate don't believe him and no-one cares what Lynette thinks because she's an annoying little pest. Billy realizes that his "friends" think he's insane and in an utterly misguided attempt to prove them wrong, he decides to tell them what happened last summer. Cue longwinded flashback: "I had a girlfriend last summer. Her name was Joelle. I met her the first week I was here and we spent the whole summer together. The vampires killed her. They flew from the vampire island as bats. Then they returned to their human form and killed Joelle. They drank her blood until she died. I saw the bite marks on Joelle's neck." Yeah, that sounds...credible. Jay has the audacity to suggest the marks were simply mosquito bites and Billy nearly loses his shit. Nate says that he heard about Joelle's death, but it was ruled as drowning, not vampiric draining. Jay gives Billy a shit-eating grin and at this point, I wish Billy would just punch the little fucker out, but Billy is determined DETERMINED! to prove his point: "Jay, I didn't tell you the whole story about why I missed a year of school. The reason you couldn't visit me is because I wasn't in a regular hospital. It was a mental hospital." Well, if they didn't believe you before, they'll sure as hell have to believe you now--everyone knows mental patients ALWAYS tell the truth! *sigh* Billy goes on to say he was there because of "shock trauma" due to Joelle's death. Ok, time out. I seriously doubt he would be that shaken up over her death; he barely knew her! And now he's back at Sandy Hollow to play fucking Van Helsing and avenge her?

Dear ghostwriter,

I know you hate your life. Writing shitty novels and getting absolutely no credit for it must really suck. But would it kill you to at least TRY? No wonder your life is in the toilet--you lack ambition, imagination, and a big sexy mole. As the great R.L. Stine once said "I don't have to try. But you do." So get on it or I swear I will kill your entire family.

Kisses and sunshine,
A Slightly Disgruntled Fan

Wow. I didn't realize that would be so violent. Ok, I did. You caught me. And for the record, Stine never said that "quote" above. Moving on...where was I? Oh yeah, Billy is still yapping: "I came back to find the vampires that killed Joelle-to hunt them down and destroy them." Yeah, we get it, Chatty Cathy. Why the hell are you wasting time talking about it when you could get down to actually doing i? And why do I insist on questioning fictional characters? Oh well. Billy gets pissed when Nate and Jay laugh it off so they apologize and the group heads to Main Street to scam on unsuspecting chicks (who will probably ignore them) even though they said they were going home like an hour ago.

We are now reintroduced to April Blair, the airhead from the first book that I wanted to like but couldn't, especially after she became one of those damn dirty vampires. April is hiding in the shadows like a pervert, watching two bats transform into girls on the beach. The girls begin discussing the bane of my existance--the nectar. Sweet mother of God, I had truly hoped these idiots would start referring to "the nectar" as what it actually is--BLOOD. April steps out of the shadows just to fuck with these two, making them think she's human. Just as their fangs descend, April tells them she's one of them and she's surprised they don't remember her from last year. These chicks don't give a shit about anything but their precious nectar and since April can't give it to them, they quickly lose interest in her. But they do introduce themselves. The blond is Irene and the redhead is Kylie. All three decide to go hunt for nectar. Yee-haw.

Once on Main Street, they spot three guys who look like perfect victims. Lo and behold, it's Billy and the gang. Instead of simply hypnotizing them and drinking their blood, the girls decide to seduce them, gain their trust, and THEN tear into their throats. This is nothing but a bloated plot contrivance. If these girls are so hungry, why would they waste time with seduction and such? And are they so arrogant as to think the guys will fall over themselves to get to them? Will I ever stop attempting to use logic to figure out why these idiots do the things they do? Answer: NO! Anyway, Kylie immediately pounces on Billy, Irene goes for Nate, and April is stuck with meathead Jay. And as usual, everyone ignores Lynette. April mentions that the local summer theater is putting on a play, tryouts are this week and the guys should totally try out because there's a shortage of males. The play is called "Night of the Vampire" which makes me want to blow up the planet or something. I mean, come on! April says rehearsals and such will be at night because most kids can't make it during the day due to the fact that most of them are bloodsucking fiends. The guys agree and the group starts walking along Main Street. I think Lynette may have fallen in the sewer or something...no-one has even glanced at her this entire time. And Nate is supposed to be babysitting! Best big brother EVER. Anyway, as they walk along, Kylie flirts with Billy who is so NOT interested that I can't help but laugh. Lynette, who is obviously sick of being cast aside like garbage, tells Nate she wants to go home and he has to take her because their mom wanted them back by eleven. All the guys decide to take off. Nate creams his Superman Underoos when Irene says she wants to see him again and Billy stares blankly ahead when Kylie tells him the same. Tee hee.

Once alone, the girls bitch and moan about their unholy thirst. Then, in a scene ripped directly from the first book, Kylie suggests a bet to make things more interesting. This is EXACTLY what Gabri and Jessica did in the first book and I hate that the person who wrote this couldn't have used a couple extra brain cells to come up with something slightly more original. I'm getting the sinking feeling that this book will turn out to be the first book with a few extra pages added. Anyway, since I'm sure you're dying to know what the best will be, here's Kylie to explain: "First one to turn one of those three boys into an Immortal wins." What's the prize, Irene? "I've got it. The perfect prize. At the end of the summer, the winner can have the other two boys for dessert!" How original. You're full of creativity, Irene! And by 'creativity' I mean 'shit'.

It's now time for play tryouts. I have no idea what night this is. Billy is hanging out, scoping the other kids and trying to figure out which ones are vampires. Uh, they ALL are I assume. Some chick named Ms. Aaronson introduces herself as the leader of the community theater. Jay is up first to do a reading and is surprisingly awesome. Kylie shows up *barf* and chats with Billy until Irene and April *barf* enter. They all pair off as before and take their seats. Kylie does her reading next followed by a girl named Mae-Linn Walsh who Billy finds magically delicious. When Mae-Linn finishes, she asks Billy if he wants to get a Coke after tryouts and he says yes. This will really stick it to Kylie. Yay! He tells Kylie he's going out with Mae-Linn and predictably, she gets pissed and stomps off. Yay! Ms. Aaronson begins reading off who got parts. It's over so quickly? And she decided roles that fast? Ok then. Nate, Jay, and Billy all get parts. April, Kylie, and Irene do also. Mae-Linn gets the lead which pisses Kylie off because that was the part SHE auditioned for. Yay! Billy and Mae-Linn skip off together while Kylie sits alone and hisses like some demented snake. Yay!

Billy and Mae-Linn end up on the beach of course, but Mae-Linn can't stay long. She tells Billy she'll see him tomorrow and runs off into the darkness. Billy thinks about how the summer is looking up, but he'll never NEVER forget the reason he's here. Unless he gets distracted by Mae-Linn's boobage.

Meanwhile, Irene and Nate are making out on Nate's porch swing. Cozy. Or something. Irene feels her fangs slide down and as she prepares to sink them into Nate's succulent flesh, Lynette sneaks up behind them and screams into Irene's ear. SCORE. Irene is enraged because she's jonesing for that nectar, man. Vampires get testy when they can't get their fix. Irene leaves...

Billy is inside a castle, he finds some coffins, opens one, and is nearly attacked by the vampire lurking inside. Luckily, he wakes up before that can happen. Dream sequences suck. Pun NOT intended. It's still dark outside and Billy hears someone knocking at the front door. He answers and two cops are standing there. Uh-oh. They ask if Billy saw Mae-Linn earlier because now she's missing. Don't you have to wait more than a few hours to file a missing persons...no no, I will not succumb to logic. I will allow myself to be dragged through the mud with the rest of these schmucks. The cops ask Billy to show them where he last saw Mae-Linn. They head for the beach where Billy promptly finds Mae-Linn's corpse and then vomits all over the place. He discovers bite marks on her neck and mentally pledges for the 3475858th time to destroy all vampires. Right. I'm beginning to question the integrity of the promise, Billy.

Billy is taken to the police station and thoroughly questioned before being released into the wilds of Sandy Hollow. As he walks home, he thinks about ways to destroy vampires. Fortunately, he's got all summer to figure out which kids (I guess adults are out of the question) are vampires. Nothing will happen because Billy is wasting all his fucking time brooding about REVENGE! and DESTROY! and I'M GAY FOR JAY! The vampires will continue to rule Sandy Hollow forever! Thanks for nothing, Billy.

April is waiting for Irene and Kylie on the beach. They show up as bats and make their transformation. They immediately start arguing, Irene accusing Kylie of killing Mae-Linn and Kylie claiming she wasn't even at the beach last night. I'm pretty sure you were...I think it's against the law in this town to NOT go to the beach every stinking night. April calms them down and conversation from there is pretty dull: Irene killed a dog for its blood and April is making progress with Jay and is confident she'll win the bet.

The next night, Billy calls Jay who has been sleeping all day which, as we know, means he's becoming one of the undead. Congrats! Billy hangs up and feels uneasy because Joelle too was very tired last summer and looks where she ended up. Billy slams his fist down on the desk and angrily proclaims "I won't let them have Jay. I won't let them claim another friend." Dude, save it. You haven't done shit to stop them so far and I doubt you ever will. So go hit the bong and chill out. Instead of smoking some sweet hash, Billy decides to walk to Nate's house so they can walk to play rehearsal together. People are dying, but God forbid we forget about the play! Once at Nate's Lynette leaps out of the bushes and scares the crap out of Billy. Someone please pay attention to this poor neglected child. Where the hell are the parents in this town? Probably over in Shadyside getting tips on how to ignore and neglect their children like the pros do. BURN.

Billy and Nate head to rehearsal where everyone is all abuzz about Mae-Linn's murder. Nate spots Irene and runs off like the brainless lap dog he's become, leaving Billy alone. But don't worry--he isn't alone for long because Kylie comes skipping up. She seems pretty happy and is even more so after Ms. Aaronson announces that she'll be taking the lead role since Mae-Linn had to go off and die so suddenly. To let everyone know she gives a damn, Ms. Aaronson says that play is dedicated to Mae-Linn. Ok then. Kylie and Billy take the stage and Ms. Aaronson says "Begin from the beginning." Looks like we've got another genius on our hands, folks. Billy and Kylie begin and Billy freaks out when Kylie goes for his throat. She pulls back and yanks her plastic fangs from her mouth. Ms. Aaronson obviously thought it was part of the act because she simply goes on to the next scene. This is an extremely shoddy production.

After rehearsal, Billy, Kylie, Irene, Nate, April, and Jay decide to hang out at the arcade. They head for the door, but some psychotic teenage boy blocks their way, pointing at April and screaming "I remember you!" Turns out he's just some kid she knows from Shadyside. So why the hell was he acting like such a spaz? Oh well. April ends up leaving with him and the rest of the group heads for Main Street. Halfway there, Jay says he's gotta go home and sleep. Billy catches up to him to check his neck for bites and Jay flips out and basically tells him to fuck off because there's no such thing as vampires. He leaves and Billy returns to the group which now isn't a group at all--Nate and Irene have left. Billy and Kylie have some weird staring contest and when Billy breaks her gaze, he realizes they're standing in front of the Old Atlantic Chowder House and he has no idea how they got there. So he says "Uh...want some chowder?" Could this book possibly get any worse? Don't answer that. They go in, look at menus, and leave about two seconds later because Kylie says she isn't hungry. *sigh* Then why the hell did you say yes when he asked you if you wanted chowder? Go play in traffic, Kylie.

She and Billy go to the beach where Billy stops to scrape "beach tar" off his sandals. What the bloody hell is beach tar? I hate this book. Seriously. Why does it have to be so crappy? Someone might read this post and challenge me to do better and dammit, I COULD do better! A fucking MONKEY could do better! Ok, I'm calming now...where was I? Billy has finished with his beach tar and he and Kylie decide to walk on the shore for no other reason than to accumulate more tar. *sigh* Suddenly two bats swoop down and begin clawing at Billy who fruitlessly seeks shelter. Kylie beats at the bats until they fly away and Billy is embarrassed because his woman had to defend him. Kylie says it would be fun to row to the vampire island and they run off to find a rowboat. They run into Nate and Irene and Kylie stays to talk while Billy goes for the boat. They begin rowing and I really don't understand why they're going to this island that is overrun with BATS when Billy just whined like a little girl at the sight of only two. The last line of the chapter comes from Billy's diseased brain: "Am I going to regret this?" YES!

Part Two - Billy's Quest

Billy's Quest sounds like some shitty video game you can get out of a bin for like three bucks at the dollar store. And I'm sure the rest of this book will be just like that shitty game. Only shittier. (Normally, I apologize for my anger and excessive cursing as a result of that anger because I feel like I should at least TRY to find something positive about these books, but when it comes to this one, I just can't control the hostility.) And here;s another complaint (this entire post is basically one giant complaint. Wow.): what is the freaking point of dividing this book into two parts? It serves no purpose whatsoever. I don't need a page that says Billy's Quest to let me know that Billy is questing (or whatever the hell you call crossing ten feet of ocean in a damned rowboat. I wouldn't exactly call that a quest. More like Billy's Five Second Row to the Seventh Circle of Hell.) I have completely lost track of what the hell is going on and I'm afraid to think about it because my head might explode.

Kylie and Billy make it to the island and Billy is scared and Kylie laughs at him then disappears into the darkness. A second later, a gigantic wolf pounces. Billy ends up stabbing it with a charred table leg he found on the ground. When it doesn't bleed, Billy knows it isn't a regular wold. Although it doesn't bleed, it does die. Ok then. Billy races off to find Kylie and finds her sitting on a hill. Damn. I was hoping SHE was the wolf. Billy drags her to the place where he killed the wolf, but it's gone. OF COURSE it is. Billy wants to leave, but Kylie insists he sit with her for a bit. They make out a little and Billy becomes dizzy and hypnotized. He manages to break the love spell and drags Kylie to the boat so they can get the hell out of dodge.

When they get to shore, Kylie screams and Billy comes running. "Not Jay! Please not Jay!" Shut up, Billy, it's really NOT Jay. It's that crazy kid that April left with earlier, may he rest in peace. Billy realizes the kid (whose name is Rick) was completely drained of blood and immediately blames April. Great.

The next night, we get more pizza. No comment. Billy meets the entire gang at the Pizza Cove and they call discuss the most recent body found on the beach. Billy notices that Jay is looking particularly shitty with his bloodshot eyes and sleepy demeanor. That doesn't mean he's transforming into a bloodthirsty demon of the night. I think he's simply got a case of cannibis. *wink wink* Billy spends the entire time thinking about vampires, trying to convince the others that vampires are real, and getting angry when everyone laughs at him. When will he learn? Nate and Irene leave to go dancing *snort* and Billy shoves a slice of pizza in April's face in an effort to force her to eat it. She refuses of course and Billy is now even more certain she's a vampire. And I'm even more certain that Billy needs to put up or shut up.

Part Three - Billy & Kylie

Do we really need three parts? REALLY? I hope 'Billy and Kylie' means that Billy is finally going to kill Kylie. Because I've had to sit through 117 pages of Billy swearing he's gonna KILL! KILL! KILL! and literally nothing has happened. Anyway, it's the next night and Kylie and Irene are on top of a mountain. Just kidding--they're on the beach. This book is causing me to develop a grudge against all beaches everywhere...and the vampires that possible inhabit them. The girls are talking about Nate and Billy. Then they stop to rip out a sea gull's throat and drink it's blood. Disgusting much?

While the sea gull is being eviscerated, Billy is at home on the phone with Jay trying to convince him that he's in danger. Predictably, Jay scoffs and tells Billy he's insane just before hanging up on him. Billy makes his way to Main Street where he finds Nate and Irene hanging out in the arcade. They're making out and get pretty pissed when Billy interrupts sexy fun time to ask if they know where Jay and April might be. Billy spouts off some forgettable crap about vampires and turns away as if to leave. He spots Lynette playing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game (she's Donatello) and some weirdo dressed in black is hanging around her. Billy completely freaks out because that guy is EVIL! He's a vampire! NOOOOOO! Memo: shut the hell up, Billy. He spins around in time to see Jon the vampire drag Lynette out a side door. I think we all saw that one coming. That's what happens when you ignore the children: they get kidnapped by perverted vampires. Billy runs outside to rescue Lynette since Nate cares more about possibly getting laid than whether or not his little sister gets killed. Nice one. Billy spots Lynette lying motionlessly on the ground with Jon hovering nearby. Billy gets closer and realizes that Jon is the vampire that murdered Joelle...he thought he killed Jon, but apparently he failed miserably. The two battle and Jon eventually gets fed up, turning into a bat and flopping away. Nate and Irene come running up on a scene that doesn't look too good for Billy; Nate automatically assumes Billy hurt Lynette. NOW he cares! Where were you ten minutes ago, jackass? Lynette wakes up, but she can't remember anything, leaving Billy to babble like an idiot about vampires blah blah blah. Nate tells him to go back to the mental hospital. Ouch. Billy makes the mistake of saying Lynette can't remember anything because Jon clouded her mind. Nate gets pissed and punches him in the jaw. Guess that shut him up.

Billy is wandering around town the next evening. He goes down to the beach because he has no imagination and takes his shoes off. Beware the beach tar! It's incredibly foggy so he doesn't see Kylie until she's directly in front of him. They walk together until Kylie stops and proclaims her true feelings...for the fog at least: "I love the fog." The fog is pressing her buttons so she grabs Billy and starts sucking at his face like he's a giant lollipop. Billy pulls away because all he can think about is Jay which serves as further proof that he's totally gay for Jay. Plus, this chapter is titled "Kisses For Jay". Yeah, I did the math. Speaking of Jay, he's sitting on the beach being entranced by the fog and the kisses of a girl (or perhaps Billy) that he can't see. Oh, and he's being bitten/ Can't forget that...how I wish I could. Back to Billy. What's he doing now? If you guessed "Wandering aimlessly along Main Street while brooding like a character straight out of an Anne Rice novel" you're correct! And you need to get away from your computer NOW. Stop reading this! You're getting sucked in! Fight it, dammit! Ok, I'm calm now. Mostly. Anyway, I've got about 60 pages of this crap left and I've gotta say, I'm not too excited. In fact, I would like to stuff every page of this this book in the shredder and murder the author. Where were we? Oh yeah. Billy. Billy needs to shut the fuck up. Seriously. I was over his idiotic ramblings about 50 pages ago. For all his talk of revenge...well, I have seen ZERO evidence of Billy getting any REVENGE!

Billy heads to Jay's house for some sweet lovemaking down by the fire. Actually, that would be a lot more interesting that what really happens. What really happens? A whole lot of nothing. It's the same fucking routine: Billy says Jay has fallen victim to a vampire, Jay says there's no such thing, and Billy desperately tries to think of a way to convince him. Boring. Billy exposes Jay's neck and spots two tiny bite marks, but Jay insists those are bug bites. This leads to a lover's quarrel and Billy storms out. I swear, this has happened 500 times already. The same scene! *sigh* As soon as Billy leaves, he runs into that stupid wench Kylie. She says there's a barbeque on the beach and they should go.

The next chapter is titled 'Billy's Big Night'. Does he lose his virginity? Eradicate beach tar for good? Finally kill a damn vampire? The suspense is killing me! Almost literally. It's now the next night so I guess we don't get highlights from the narbeque. Darn. NOT. April is sitting alone on the beach waiting for Kylie and Irene to show up so they can "compare notes" on the bet. Status report: April is almost done with Jay, Irene can't get Nate alone because the awesome Lynette is always hanging around, Kylie plans on making tonight "Billy's big night", and I have begun to cry tears of blood. *sigh*

Part Four - Vampire Trap

Quit with the parts!!! FOUR parts? FOUR? WHY? You have no reason, dear author, other than to torture me! HATE! It's now time for another rousing play rehearsal. As soon as Jay walks in, he spots Billy and quickly informs him "Don't even talk to me. I don't want to hear any more talk about vampires--unless you're talking about the play." Billy sputters as Jay walks off and thinks about how he can't give up. This kid is clueless. I don't understand why he's wasting his time trying to convince everyone that vampires are real instead of killing the stupid things. Not only would that be more productive, it would be a LOT more entertaining. Alas, the author of this book didn't desire to be entertaining. He only wanted to wound us and rub salt in those bloody wounds. *sob* Moving on...mercifully, we don't get a play-by-play of the rehearsal. When it's time for everyone to leave, Kylie and Billy walk out together. She wants to run lines (did you not just finish that? Idiot.) and tells Billy to run back to the theater for his script. In a scene that is actually creepy (SHOCK!) Billy finds the theater completely dark. He stumbles around in the darkness for a bit and stops when he hears shuffling noises. He finally turns the lights on, but sees no-one. He makes his way to the stage...where he finds Ms. Aaronson's corpse stuffed under some scenery. Of course she was drained blah blah blah bite marks and such. Billy turns and spies April standing in the shadows. She gags like the body repulses her, but Billy knows better. He says he's calling the cops and when he returns, she acts like a victim and begs him to hold her. Puke!

Three days later, Billy, Nate, and Jay are walking along the beach. Nate mentions that he has the condo to himself because his parents and Lynette have gone home. Further proof that Nate's parents are complete shit. On what planet is leaving your teenage son alone with your beach house a good idea? And they probably dumped Lynette on the side of the road somewhere. Anyway! Nate leaves to meet Irene and Billy immediately starts gabbing about vampires. We all know the drill so I won't bore you with details of Jay's anger and Billy's uetter stupidity. Billy says he can prove to Jay that April is a vampire and Jay agrees to see this through. They turn and April is standing there, but it doesn't seem as if she heard anything. She invites them to a clambake before leaving and Jay threatens to kill Billy is he ruins things between him and April. Whatever.

The next night, the gang is gathered around a bonfire and eating their precious clams. Billy isn't focused on the clams or the fire or the six foot tall pyramid of empty soda cans. He's thinking about slaying April. Good! At about 3 am, it starts pouring rain and they all run for shelter in the theater. They head for the basement because Billy says it will be warmer there although that seems...off. Billy's goal is to keep April there until sunrise. And he manages to, but absolutely nothing happens when he exposes her to the sun. Have I mentioned that I hate this book? There are only about 30 pages left and so far, only a few innocent animals have died. Jay gets pissed at Billy, but April tells them not to fight because she's only been PRETENDING to be a vampire. What? She goes on to say "My name isn't April. It's Diana. Diana Devlin. April Blair was my cousin. My cousin and my best friend. She came here last summer. The vampires got her. They turned her into one of them. April confided in me. She knew she could trust me." Diana goes on to explain how April returned to Shadyside as a vampire and how she loathed herself so much that she allowed herself to be burned to a crisp in the sun. So painfully convoluted.

Diana says she came back this summer to kill as many vampires as possible and we know from the prologue that she's already begun which is more than I can say for SOME people *cough* Billy *cough*. Speaking of Billy, he points to the wounds on Jay's throat and asks how they got there. Diana says she suspects Kylie has been clouding his mind and digging in. She and Billy decide to go to Vampire Island the next day to eliminate Kylie and Irene. And it only took you fools 190 pages to do so! You're both virtually worthless.

So the next day, they find themselves on the island. They decide to split up with Diana heading for a tiny cottage and Billy to a larger house. He finds nothing and leaves soon after, following a trail into the woods until he reaches a wall of vines. He manages to get through and sees a large house on the other side. Assuming this is where the vampires are sleeping, Billy hurries inside. He comes upon a circle of coffins and wonders if he has enough time to kill them all. Just do it! Dammit, Billy! Unfortunately, Billy took too damn much time deliberating and now Kylie and Irene are awake. He manages to stake Irene (cheers!) and Diana comes in then, rips a board off the covered window, and Kylie is dust (yay!). Ok, those two are dead and that's great, but there are other coffins....where the hell are the other vampires? It kills me to say it...MORE VAMPIRES!

To celebrate, the two go to Pizza Cove because pizza sustains most life forms around here. Billy offers to slice the pizza and accidentally cuts himself...but there's no blood. No. No, no, no, and NO. I fucking REFUSE to buy this! Billy, say it ain't so! "I'm sorry you saw that. Let me explain. I lied about working on a charter boat. During the day, I'm asleep in my coffin. Direct sunlight will kill me. I can go out in daylight only if it's dark and cloudy--like when we went to the island and killed Kylie and Irene. I missed a whole year of school. My friends all thought I was in a hospital. But I had to sleep in a coffin everyday." You have got to fucking be kidding me. It's like the writer pulled this out of his ass at the last minute in a feeble attempt to make up for the weakness of the rest of the book. Billy goes on to say that he killed Mae-Linn and he's sorry, but he now has to kill Diana because he needs the nectar. The book ends with everybody in the restaurant screaming as Billy sinks his teeth into Diana's throat.

Conclusion? I fucking hate this book. This is one of the absolute WORST Fear Street novels ever. It lacks action, a clear plot, likable characters, and there is no REVENGE! to be found (no, I'm not counting Kylie and Irene's murders because those were too tame and treated almost as an afterthought.) It's basically page after page of Billy wondering who's a vampire even though he obviously knew all along because he turned out to be one himself! Don't even get me started on that shitty cop-out of an ending. *sigh* I'm going to use the pages of this book to line my cat's litter box.

Next time: "Double Date" It's time to get away from the supernatural and return to our roots--psychopathic teenage murderers, baby!

14 comments:

  1. Your dedication astounds me. After how horrible the first book was, I cannot believe you actually read this one!

    What a shit-tastic ending.

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's good to see you back!

    I'm going to pretend that Final Kiss 2 is actually all about Diana hunting down and killing vampires. She falls in love with Billy and convinces him to help her, but at the very end Billy announces that he was a vampire too! But Diana actually knew this the whole time! And she stabs him too. And then she admits that she actually hates pizza. The end.

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  3. This is hilarious! I especially like that part where he tentatively asks if she wants chowder. This book is obviously completely ridiculous.

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  4. Yay you are back! This book sounds dumb as hell, but now I never have to read it myself! Double yay!

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  5. Does that ending even make sense? I mean, sure, it makes practical sense, if Billy hasn't been in the sunlight at all, but why would Billy have done everything he did in the book if he was a vampire all along?

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  6. Oh man, I remember this book. I tried to write vampire fiction afterwards with the whole "three sips" bullshit and got maybe a page in before I realized it was crap.

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  7. Ugh. That sounds awful. My first thought when we saw April and she was spying and then all "I'm a vampire" was hmm maybe she's lying. Yay! I was right. Sort of.

    Also Doggie Goes Flying makes me laugh so hard. Bats kidnapping dogs? Seriously?!

    Big sexy mole!!!

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  8. R.L.'s mole is a great source of nectar.

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  9. Anon, I will barf all over you for that.

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  10. Another bad cover. What the hell? I think the publishers think that Goodnight Kiss books are their enemies (except The Goodnight Kiss Collector's Edition, of course, what a good cover of that book!). After seeing this one, I've made my final decision, either I'm going to read the Collector's Edition, or I'll never read any Goodnight Kiss book.

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  11. I was so irritated over the whole "Diana not April" thing, because if Kylie was the one draining Jay, why didn't she start getting suspicious about April/Diana? I mean, HULLO, kid's not a vampire yet, but two vampy girls are supposedly sucking his neck god knows how many times now, and he's still human? (sorry for the run on, I got all ranty there.)


    and the short story in the collection is full of inconsistancy and is annoyingly written. I think the mole ghostwrote.

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  12. This is really good! I wonder if this is too much to ask for, but could you do Twilight? lol I love vampire books, so I tried reading those, and I treat them the way you treat Fear Street books lol.

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  13. Something I don't get about either of the "Goodnight Kiss" books is this: Why can't the vampires distinguish between humans and other vampires? It seems to be me the best way to survive in these stories is to say, "Hey, I'm one of you guys!" when a vampire is about to attack.

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  14. Gilllty as chargedMay 21, 2013 at 3:26 AM

    Actually before Billy turned out to be an actual vampire the book reminded me of Hamlet. How Billy really wants to get revenge, but is too indecisive, thinks way too much and is a bit too much of a pussy to actually do so. Billy is basically Hamlet and Diana is basically Laertes because Laertes actually tries harder to get revenge and actually follows through unlike Hamlet. Maybe R.L. Stine or the ghost writer was trying to emulate the same kind of story but threw that twist at the end so no one could accuse him of plagiarizing or copying.

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