Sunday, September 4, 2011

99 Fear Street: The Third Horror

There is no way in hell that house is on Fear Street. It's too attractive.

Book Description:

Kody Frasier always swore she'd come back to 99 Fear Street. She knows the spirit of her dead sister, Cally, is trapped there, waiting to be set free. Now Kody is starring in a movie about the evil that murdered Cally, set in the very house that destroyed their family. If she can just find Cally, she can help her... But Cally doesn't want to be saved. She's been waiting all this time for revenge. And once the movie camera is rolling, Cally is going to give Kody the surprise ending of a lifetime!

My Description:

It's been two years since Kody Frasier was last in the horrid house at 99 Fear Street. It doesn't hold good memories--her brother James and her twin sister Cally died here. Kody is standing on the sidewalk having deep thoughts (as deep as a mud puddle) about how sunny the day is yet 99 Fear Street remains dark and creepy and death trap-y. Then the door opens and Kody is shocked to see Cally step out. Except not. It's just the snobby actress Persia Bryce who will be playing KODY in the movie being made about the never ending horror that is Kody's life. I'm not sure if I'm reading this correctly, but I think Kody is playing Cally...which really makes no sense.

Bo Montgomery is the director of 99 Fear Street (the film's overly creative title) and he believes this is his "big chance" since everything else he's ever directed turned out to be crap. Bo isn't happy because he has to make the film at this dump of a house. He also didn't want to use an amateur like Kody to fill the role of Cally, but he has no choice."This role has Winona Ryder written all over it. Instead, I get Kody Frasier." Be happy you have a job at all, asshole. His associate producer, Sam McCarthy, reminds Bo that he's getting great publicity because the movie is based on TRUE EVENTS, but Bo continues to whine about his pathetic sham of a life and how this movie could make or break him. A few moments later, Bo and Sam are suddenly surrounded by a horde of Fear rats. But they make it out of the basement unscathed thanks to Bo's trusty clipboard. I always thought Fear rats could only be killed by an ancient Fear dagger soaked in the blood of a Fear, washed in Fear Lake, and put out to power up beneath a full moon before being used by a dry lipped bumpkin from Fear Street. But apparently a 99 cent clipboard from Staples works just as well. Bo trots off to tend to the high maintenance Persia while the remaining rats presumably begin procreating as a form of revenge. You won't make it out next time, Bo. Nuh-uh. And there WILL be a next time!

Meanwhile, Kody is talking to Rob Gentry, a blue eyed actor who moves with the "easy grace" of a cute little kitty.

Any excuse to mention cute little kitties. Don't you feel warm and fuzzy now? Well, hold on to that the end of this book, you'll need a reason to keep on living. Anyway, Rob is a total flirt (in this town, it's against the law to be anything else if you look as perfect as Rob) and pulls Kody close as they walk to the caterer's table. Kody admires him: "He's the handsomest boy I've ever met, Kody found herself thinking as she lowered herself onto the grass beside him." Too bad he'll probably be dead soon. But it doesn't matter because there are plenty of vapid pretty boys walking around so Kody will have a shoulder to cry on when the love of her life that she's known for one whole day dies. *sigh* Kody mentions that Persia is evil and treats Kody like a mutt and Rob says that Persia is jealous because she wanted to play Cally, not Kody. Once again, this makes NO SENSE. Why isn't Kody playing HERSELF? What is the purpoe of someone else portraying her when she's still around? Why am I asking questions? I'm only hurting myself. Anyway, Rob decides that Kody really isn't upset about Persia at all. She's upset about being back at the center of hell where her life was completely ruined. Wow, Rob. You are truly a genius among men. Dumbass. Kody says that being back at the house is difficult, but she wanted to be part of the film for two reasons: "One, it was such an incredible opportunity. I mean, my life was so terrible, Rob." Dad went blind, Mom was never the same, life sucked. On to the second reason: "I made a promise to my sister that I'd come back." She tells Rob about her sister's ghost and he thinks that's so normal that he can't leave fast enough when the assistant director calls for him. Kody wanders off, almost trips over a box of blood (yeah), and then can't stop thinking about the house's bloody history. But the sight of Cally (Persia?) in the window breaks through her thoughts.

And now the moment we've all been dreading: Cally's point of view. Gag. have I mentioned that I hate her? Because I really really do. Cally is furious because Kody came back to be a "movie star", not to visit dear old dead sis. Cally watches Kody and thinks about what a surprise she'll get when she finds Cally and realizes how positively evil she's become. "I am the evil and the evil is me." She should put that on a T-shirt. Cally decides that Kody will have to die. She watches Kody go toward the front door... "Cally shot a dozen pointed steel spikes through the front door. She listened gleefully as Kody's shrill screams rose up in a wail of terror." Kody, of course, doesn't die. She screams, Bo comes running, and after he threatens to chew out McCarthy, the asst. producer, for the spikes, Kody admires Bo's rugged good looks. No comment. McCarthy pleads his case and he and Bo walk off to do movie stuff. Kody spends a few moments having horrible bloody flashbacks before going into the house because she's part of a plot device that this book just couldn't live without. The scene about to be filmed involves Rob getting his hand ground into hamburger in the garbage disposal. He's really nervous about it so McCarthy shows him how it's done. Which is a huge, messy, gory mistake. Just as McCarthy puts his hand into the disposal, someone pushes Kody (who is just hanging around) causing her to bump into the switch that turns the disposal on. "Red as raw hamburger, McCarthy's fingers fell loosely on his cut and mangled palm." Dump some alcohol on it and STOP SCREAMING. Geez.

Later, Bo meets with Rob, Kody, and Persia and tells them that McCarthy lost all his mangled fingers. He asks Kody what happened and she tries to tell him she was pushed, but he interrupts her and keeps talking. She realizes he blames her for the maiming of the hand. He says he's grateful for Kody being involved with the production (HA!) and Persia mutters that it's all for the publicity (which is probably true). Bo denies it, saying that Kody is a great actress. Who has never acted before in her life. Kody is distracted by the weirdo looking in the window at them. It's our old friend Lurie, the real estate agent (who is now a peeping tom. Guess the recession caught up with him.) who sold Kody's family the house. Bo goes out to talk to the creeper and Kody and Persia have an argument which leads to Persia ripping out some of Kody's hair before Rob and Bo intervene. Persia walks off after claiming she was only acting. Rob seems very concerned about Kody: "But then, to her complete surprise, he leaned forward, wrapped his arms around her shoulders, and kissed her. A long kiss. A hungry kiss." No word on the moisture level of Rob's lips. He leaves a moment later and Kody questions if he's truly interested in her. He is an actor, after all.

Kody goes to sleep in her trailer and is awakened by a tapping at the door. 'Twas the raven nevermore? No, it's just...nobody. Kody opens the door and sees no-one, but she's sure Cally was just here. She steps out into the night and walks to the house. She lets herself in and is shocked to see Mrs. Nordstrom (the old housekeeper) scrubbing the sink in the kitchen. The two have a little reunion before Nordstrom goes back to scrubbing blood out of the sink and Kody goes into the living room where Cally is hanging out in the form of a cold breeze. A second later, a security guard grabs Kody's arm and asks her what she's doing. She says she used to live here and he gets all excited, getting an autograph for his nephew before letting Kody go.

The next morning, Kody is on set confessing how nervous she is to Rob. He assures her that they're only doing reaction shots today so she doesn't even have to speak. A girl named Joanna comes on set as stand-in for a test shot...and promptly gets her face smashed by a rogue camera. "For a few seconds Joanna seemed suspended there, her head impaled by the protruding lens. Then she toppled back and fell heavily to the ground, leaving the camera soaked with her bright red blood." People immediately freak out and amid the chaos, the security guard says something to Bo who then wants to talk to Kody. The guard told Bo that he saw Kody in the house the night before so Bo suspects that MAYBE Kody messed with the boom which caused the camera to pulverize Joanna's innocent face. He changes his tune, though, and says he really doesn't know what to think. Bo runs off and Kody is pissed about being accused. She goes inside the house (because the place is so very warm and comforting) and mopes around. Then she finds Cally's severed head in the refrigerator. She screams, Bo comes running, and we all learn that the head is, unfortunately, just a prop. Kody goes to her trailer to rest her aching brain. Meanwhile, Cally is amused by Kody's reaction to the dummy head. She's also amused (everything is just so damn FUNNY!) by all the bad things she's planning to do. Cally is the WORST revenge seeking ghost ever. Why not torture Kody directly instead of hurting people around her? Oh right--because the book would only be ten pages long and no-one would get paid.

The next morning, Kody throws herself into Rob's arms and begs him to hold her. As if that will help. Stop acting like a Victorian school marm with a wicked case of the vapors and do something productive for once. Like getting as far away from Shadyside as humanly possible. Instead of taking my advice, Kody makes out with Rob until they're interrupted by the hideous Persia. She came to tell them that Joanna died in the hospital and the police are on set investigating so Bo has called a break for the day. Later, Bo gathers everyone for a meeting to discuss the issue. He's interrupted by Mr. Hankers (the handyman from the previous books) who has arrived to slaughter the basement rats. At the end of the meeting, Bo tells Rob and Kody that they'll be shooting their attic scene the next morning. Bo thinks about how good Rob is...and how Kody should be replaced.

Rob has rented a Mustang convertible so he and Kody go for a drive. In the evening, they end up beside the Conononka River making out like fiends. (My eyes cannot possibly roll back any further.) It starts to rain so they go back to Fear Street. Kody runs to her trailer for her script because she and Rob plan to "practice their lines" and Rob stays in the car. Kody picks up her script and hears a tapping at the door. She opens it and steps out, but there's no-one there and Rob's car is gone. Then Cally appears to screw things up further. Kody can't see her, but Cally's voice commands Kody to follow her. Just reading this is making me dumber. Kody is excited and runs out into the rain. She runs to the house and goes into the basement at Cally's urging. A dark shadow rolls across the floor to Kody, but before anything happens, damn BO pops up with his hand clamped over Kody's mouth. Where the hell does he come from?!? Is he stalking her every move? He's always way too near. He wants to know what she's doing and she asks the same of him, but he just says he has things to do for the production. Liar. He says they should leave, but they can't because Kody has spotted a box of explosives labelled DANGER and she wants to know what they're for. He says at the end of the movie, he's going to blow up the house. PRAISE BE. Burn the mother down! Bo starts acting really weird and creepy and says she absolutely cannot tell anyone. He goes on to talk about her death scene, but Kody doesn't want to hear any more. Then she mentions the fact that Cally led her here, but Bo thinks she's just coming up with things for the script. Their discussion is ended when a giant rat tries to tear out Kody's throat. The poor stupid rodent misses and falls to the floor. Kody KICKS it and it runs away. How dare she! The rats are our future. RESPECT.

The next morning brings the attic scene which is sure to be a total disaster. Kody asks Rob why he left her the night before and he insists she told him to go back to his hotel without her. She is seriously dense. She hasn't thought ONCE that it's Cally messing with her. Anyway, Bo explains the scene. Green goo will come pouring out of the floor, Rob and Kody will pretend to be terrified, and it all has to be done in one take because it would take way too long to clean the crap up to film it again. Bo leaves the room for a few minutes and Kody and Rob have a romantic moment that isn't romantic at all. Thankfully, it doesn't last long because the goo machine starts cranking and steaming hot goo comes pouring out. And the door's locked. And the goo smells like sour milk. As the goo gets thicker and rises a little higher, Kody starts calling for Cally because she has no idea her dead demonic sister is CAUSING this mess. And now Rob thinks Kody is completely insane. Finally Kody grabs a light tower (metal poles holding two large lights) and smashes a window. Unfortunately, it appears Rob has drowned in the goo. "He probably tried to swim, Kody realized, and the disgusting liquid held him under." He tried to SWIM? Don'tlaughdon'tlaughdon'tlaugh. Actually, I guess I CAN laugh because Rob isn't dead at all. Kody pulls him out of the goo, gives him mouth to mouth (as she's been doing for several days. ZING!) and lo and behold, he lives. Then Kody vomits and calls it a day.

The next afternoon, Kody and Persia watch Bo pacing and claiming that this movie HAS to be made. WHY? The guy can't direct. Period. He should cut his losses and end it now before he gets his eyes gnawed out by rats. Rob is in the hospital and doing fine. Yeah, anyway, a guy named Burt Martindale is playing Kody's dad and will be filming his first scene today. Marge Anderson and Noah Klein (Mom and James) are also in the scene along with Kody and Persia. It's a dinner scene, the one in which Dad gets stabbed by a knife with a mind of its own. I guess nothing happens. For once.

That night, Kody wakes up after a nightmare in which she's eating doughtnuts that taste like the sour milk goo. She decides she's going to deal with Cally now. Except she still doesn't think Cally is evil. When she gets to the house, she asks Cally if she can hug her. Cally responds by luring Kody to the basement which has a tiny secret room (where the rats hang out for darts and beer nuts) where Cally is waiting for her. Cally becomes a freezing cold mist that invades Kody. I think. Possibly?

The next day, it's time for more of the dinner scene. Bo instructs Kody and Persia to argue over a knife. And when he says "Action", Kody rams the knife into Persia's hand, pinning her to the table. Blood spurts everywhere, Persia is screaming, everyone else is screaming, and Kody is yelling that it was supposed to be a prop, not real. Persia is eventually taken away by paramedics and Bo takes Kody aside to tell her that the movie is jinxed and she is the cause. He says she's being removed from the film. Kody responds by cracking his skull with a spotlight and burning his face with the hot bulb until smoke rises. "Okay, everybody! That's a wrap!" Shrew.

The real Kody is tied up in the basement. Cally didn't possess her the hell did she make herself solid enough to pass as the real Kody? How can she pick up objects and such? Do I really give a damn at this point? Does ANYONE? Anyway, Cally is pure evil, rats are all over the place, and Mr. Lurie, Mrs. Nordstrom, and Mr. Hankers are feeding the rats and treating them like pets. Kody can't believe they're there and they don't even KNOW she's there. They're in the secret room and Kody is in the main part of the basement yet they never saw her. Don't care. Doesn't matter. Kody hears them say Cally is easily controlled and she realizes Cally isn't really evil. She's being controlled by those three. Cally shows up and lets Kody go because she's ruined her life and has no further use for her. Kody tells her about the demented freaks in the next room, but Cally doesn't believe her. Then the three come out and thank Cally for bringing them Kody. Cally tells Kody to run for the stairs and as she does, the three turn into rats and attack Kody. "A line of drool fell from Mr. Hankers's snarling mouth as he scratched the gray fur of his belly with both claws." Very attractive. They're joined by other rats, but Kody manages to get out of the house just before the entire thing explodes and rats go flying. *sob* I loved those filthy rodents!

A few weeks later, Rob and Kody are hanging out...eating pizza and drinking Coke. It never fails. Kody is back in Los Angeles with her parents (that's where they fled after their time on Fear Street). Rob lives in the city and just auditioned for a dog food commercial. Woof. The doorbell rings and Rob answers. He comes back to the living room with a package for Kody. It's a tape with a note attached: "Here's a collector's item for you, Kody. It's the only film that was shot at 99 Fear Street. Talk about a big finish! Better luck to us all! Sam McCarthy" It's a shot of the explosion and a faint image of Cally waving good-bye.

Conclusion?: I don't wanna think about it...

Next time: "The New Boy" A mysterious hunk of teenage man meat moves to Shadyside and shortly after, the murders begin. It's sure to be...a gas. The kind of gas that explodes in your face and makes you wish you were never born.

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