The New Year's Party

Book Description:

P.J. wasn't supposed to die. It was just a practical joke, no big deal. But P.J. had a bad heart... The kids at Reenie's Christmas party couldn't tell the police what they'd done, so they hid the body...and then it disappeared. Now someone is killing them one by one. Someone is taking P.J.'s revenge...but who? By midnight they'll know. Because when the clock chimes, they'll all get a kiss. The kiss of death.

My Description:

Part One - 1965

Flashback, baby! Prepare yourself for gratuitous use of the word 'groovy'. Anyway, Beth Fleischer and her friends are at a New Year's party. Beth is feeling good--she's wearing her GROOVY white boots, there's plenty of Coke, and the Beatles are on the hi-fi. What could be better? *cough*acid*cough* Beth is dancing when Todd Stevens comes up and yells "Wow! GROOVY party!" All you need to know about Todd is that he's a sexy dish that looks like Paul Newman and every girl wants him, especially Beth. Ain't 60s teenage lust grand? Beth starts thinking about her best friend Karen (this is her party) and the Beatles and how far out they are. A few minutes later, everyone starts counting down the new year. Beth ends up getting a kiss from Todd and afterward, he really wants to make out. But Beth is distracted by some kid named Jeremy who is obviously being harrassed by some un-GROOVY assholes in the corner. I'm not sure if Jeremy is Beth's friend or brother or what, but Todd tells her she can't always stick up for him. Shut up, Todd. You just wanna round the bases be GROOVY under Beth's shirt. Todd starts tugging Beth toward the door when suddenly two men in ski masks burst in. AHHHH! NOOOO! I'm more disturbed by their masks than the pistols they're carrying. They make everyone line up against the wall and when poor Jeremy makes a move to scratch his butt or something, one of the bad boys presses his pistol to Jeremy's head. But wait! It was all a joke! HAR HAR HAR! Isn't it funny when you make someone shit their pants in fear because they think you're gonna blow their brains out?! NO. Beth gets pissed when she realizes Karen set the whole thing up. Then Todd gets pissed at Beth for paying too much attention to Jeremy and storms out. Go to hell, Toddy. Beth chases Jeremy outside, but he's not in the mood to chat: "Beat it, Beth! Leave me alone! I'm sick of being made fun of!" He jumps into his Ford Fairlane and Beth says he's too upset to be alone and jumps in with him. I guess she didn't take "Beat it, Beth!" as the hint it was.

As Jeremy speeds down the icy road, Beth wonders why she's his only friend and why no-one will even give him a chance. One of life's great mysteries. Beth tells him to slow down, but Jeremy ignores her and ends up running over someone. GROOVY! He freaks out and wants to go back, but Beth says no way. "You'll lose your license--maybe forever." Because his ability to drive circles around the 7-11 is much more important than someone's ability to walk or, uh, BREATHE ever again! Jeremy's stupid ass listens to Beth and flees the scene...and ends up wrecking the car in a snowbank. "Jeremy! You've killed us! You've killed us both." Oh karma. You're so GROOVY.

Part Two - This Year

It's November of THIS YEAR (which would be 1995, when this baby was published) 30 years after Jeremy and Beth got what was coming to them. Reenie (what the eff is that short for?) Baker is hanging out with her friends Greta Sorenson, Artie Hodges, and Ty Lanford in her room. They're supposed to be working on a project for school, but instead they're joking around and generally acting like jackasses. Greta and Artie are a couple and Reenie finds this hilarious because Artie is all grungy with his plaid shit, ripped jeans, and earring and Greta is little miss perfect prep. Yeah, that's real funny. Or something. They're all waiting on a moldy turd named Sean who is late and keeping them from their work. As if they would be doing anything anyway. A fact that we're being beaten over the head with: Ty is hot. If you forget that at any point during this story, your penis and/or breasts will fall off into a land populated entirely by dragons with giant moles instead of wings who will then eat it. You may be wondering what drugs I'm on. That information is classified. Back to the story. They talk about school and Reenie gets hot and takes her sweater off and goes to hang it up in the closet and finds some dead freak in there. If you guessed it was stupid fucking Sean playing a stupid fucking prank, you're a genius. Or perhaps a very lonely person who has nothing to do but read this blog. If so, welcome to my world. After they finish laughing at Reenie's freak out, they talk about all the idiotic shit Sean has pulled over the years. Trust me, it's all hella lame and I won't waste valuable space on it. Then they "work" and get basically nothing done. Great job, kids.

The next day at school, Reenie complains to Greta about how they got nothing done even though she was just as much to blame as the rest of them. Greta doesn't care about the stupid project. She just wants to talk about Artie and the fact that he's falling in with a bad crowd that slicks their hair back and works on their muscles instead of doing hours of homework. NOOO! And they're trying to get him to quit school. THE HUMANITY! THE HORROR! THE HELLLLLL! And to add to this unbelievable dookie-filled day, someone is breaking into Reenie's locker! WHY?! *sigh* It's just a new girl who got mixed up. She introduces herself as Liz and her brother as P.J. Uh-oh. We all know what P.J.'s fate is thanks to the all too informative back cover. Oh and Reenie thinks he's hot. Put it back in your pants, lady. P.J. says he has Mr. Meade for English next and Reenie says he's cool if you don't mind a lot of reading. Then Liz makes fun of him for reading so much. Why is it that any character in these books that gives any indication of being literate is automatically a freak? If P.J. got a chance to grow up (damn his bad heart!) he would own your asses! So suck it! P.S. Stine, you're an illiterate bastard and your ghostwriters deserve to be shot. Anyway, Reenie opens her locker and finds Ty hiding inside, waiting to scare her. Ok, I don't know about you guys, but the lockers at my high school were so tiny you would have to be made of rubber to wedge yourself in there. Reenie doesn't get scared anyway so Ty just caused himself a lot of pain for nothing. Idiot. Reenie introduces Ty (who is looking at Liz like she's a slice of honey baked ham he'd very much like to gnaw on) to P.J. and Liz and Ty says he'll show Liz to her locker. Greta offers to show P.J. to his next class but he ignores her and takes off after his sister. Either he realizes Ty is a total player and wants to save his sister from a heartbreaking fate or he wants Ty's sweet ass for himself...

After school, Reenie and Greta hang out at the Burger Basket. Yes! Screw you, Pete's Pizza! Bwahahaha! They're talking about Corky Corcoran (our favorite cheerleader) and her new love bug, Ricky Shore. Then they blab about how much Ty likes Liz and how weird P.J. is and blah blah blah. They're mercifully interrupted by Artie and his bad boy friend Marc Bentley. The guys ask if they wanna take a ride in Marc's bad boy car. The girls agree and Sean joins them. Once they're on the road, Marc predictably starts acting like a psychopath. "I want to show you something. This will only take a minute. It'll be fun. I promise." I regret to inform you that your promises are worth about as much as pile of horse shit. He starts driving like a bat out of hell and heads for Fear Street. It's a party! WOOOO! Someone help me. Marc, being a total fuckwit, drives the car through the Fear Street woods on a damn bike path. The car is bumping all over the place, but he doesn't stop until they reach Fear Lake. He steps over to a hill and falls down it. What the fuck is wrong with this idiot?? Reenie steps over to the hill because she's worried about the mentally handicapped douchebag that just plunged down it and ends up falling herself, landing on the icy surface of the lake. The ice cracks and she's plunged into the freezing water. Sean rescues her and all Reenie can say is "What happened to Marc? Is he okay?" As much as I hate to admit it, I was wondering where the hell he went, too. Marc "faked the fall" as a joke. Just admit your dumbass fell. Everyone bundles Reenie into their coats and they leave for home.

The next day at lunch, Greta and Reenie rehash the accident. Greta blames the entire thing on Artie even though he didn't really do anything. If you wanna castrate someone, take Marc. Sean joins them and Greta goes to get some ice cream. Sean and Reenie spot Greta and P.J. flirting and they gossip about that because it's soooooo important. *sigh* Unfortunately, Artie enters a moment later, sees his woman yapping with another dog, and decides to make use of the bad boy lessons he got from Marc by rushing up to them....and doing absolutely nothing. Well, that was sufficiently pointless.

As Reenie is walking home from school, she's joined by Liz and the subject of P.J. is brought up. Liz says he has a heart murmur and can't do anything too physical. I guess that rules out the love that Greta desperately wants to make with him. Ty interrupts a moment later and Reenie decides to leave them alone before they do something embarrassing like stare at each other. SHOCK! As Reenie walks on, Artie pulls up beside her and offers her a ride. He's driving Marc's car and Reenie really doesn't wanna, but it's cold so she gets in. That proves to be a mistake because Artie wants to show off and ends up speeding into an intersection and getting rammed by a van. No-one is hurt, but it could've been avoided if Artie would stop pretending to be Marc. Why does he have his car anyway? Speaking of Marc, I hope he's bound and gagged in the trunk. Anyway, they get out of the car and realize that the driver of the van is P.J. and he isn't looking too lively. He seems ok, just dazed. A second later, Artie completely goes off on him: "You creep! Look what you did! You plowed right into to me! Marc's going to kill me!" First of all, it was YOUR fault. Second, Marc would never kill his personal ass licker so chill out.

The next day at lunch, Greta informs everyone that Marc went ballistic on Artie. Tee hee. Then she bitches and moans about how much Artie has changed since he met Marc. Shut up. Then Sean changes the subject to the upcoming holidays. Reenie's parents will be out of town so she's throwing a Christmas party. Oh cruel fates! Before anyone can say anything else, some chick with big boobs comes running up and tells them to get to the weight room. Don't worry--Artie is hurt but alive. He blames P.J. for not spotting him which is why his barbells fell. Artie lunges for P.J. (why is he still in the room?) but the coach interrupts and tells everyone except Artie to get out. But Artie isn't through with P.J.! He's a bad boy, remember? Prepare to get glared at, P.J.! Artie glares SO HARD.

That evening, everyone gathers at Reenie's house to discuss P.J. and the fact that Ty has a date with Liz tonight. You people need to get lives of your own and shut up about the boring lives of others. Reenie finally pulls out some paper to make a list of people to invite to her party. The only names they call out are people we've already heard too much about in the past: Corky Corcoran (when she's not fighting unholy spirits, she's pretty popular), Deena Martinson (I don't get it), and Gary Brandt (useless. He'll just hang out under the mistletoe, trying to scam on every girl that passes. Why is this slut mentioned in every book?!) Artie mentions that they really gotta invite P.J. because he and Marc have a surprise for him. *cue evil grin* Their plan is so incredibly stupid it hurts. They're gonna get some chick named Sandi to ask him out to the party and once they're there, Sandi is supposed to kiss him and pretend to die afterward. "The kiss of death." So many shades of lame. Seriously. I'm going blind just reading this shit. P.J. has to die because of THIS? Sometimes I really hate you, Stine.

It's now the night of the party, but no-one comes because they all got explosive diarrhea from some bad chili in the caf so P.J. is saved! And then I pulled my head out of my ass and realized that none of that is true. *sigh* Dammit. Everyone is having fun and such. Apparently Reenie and friends abandoned the list because no-one but them showed up. BURN. No sign of Sandi or P.J. yet and Marc and Artie are already drunk. Yeah, this is gonna be interesting. Maybe. Possibly. Sort of. Probably not at all. Anyway, everyone acts like the devil himself has arrived when Sandi and P.J. show up together. THE SHOCK! THE HORROR! How could Sandi date outside of her own species?! That's actually what someone says. Why the hell are these morons acting so horrified? They're the ones who set this up!!! It takes about five seconds for Sandi to set the stupid little plan into motion. After Sandi collapses, Artie announces that Sandi is "dead". Oh well. Artie screams that it's P.J.'s fault and P.J. completely freaks out. Of course he ends up dead and these stupid assholes are to blame. Where the hell was his sister? Why didn't she stop them? I mean, she's with Ty 24/7 so she must have known. Why am I even asking? Save me, Valium...

Part Three - 1965

Just when I thought we'd never see 1965 again, it rears its tie-dyed head. We're back where we left off. Jeremy has just crashed his car, but he and Beth make it out unscathed. Instead of getting out of the snow, Jeremy insists on looking for the dead boy he ran over. But he's nowhere in sight. OoOoOoO. They try to flag down a few cars that pass, but the vehicles just fly right by them. Are the drivers simply cautious about picking up strangers in the middle of the night? Or are Beth and Jeremy...ghosts? I'M SO SCARED! Beth eventually spots a house through the trees. They hammer on the door, but no-one answers even though they can hear people talking and laughing inside. Yep, now I'm convinced that Beth and Jeremy died in the accident and now they're ghosts who don't know they're dead. Yawn. And how does any of this shit tie into the other plotline? Oh well. If I ask too many questions, it could get ugly in here. Real fucking ugly. Anyway, the two finally decide to get back in the car even though the damn thing is turned upside down. I'm not going to comment on their amazing logic. They look inside and *GASP* find a dead boy and girl. I think you all know where this is going. Beth realizes it first: "The dead boy and girl in there. I recognized them. They're...US." At this point, Jeremy starts screaming "NO!" and wringing his hands and pulling his hair and making yellow snow. He attempts to jump back inside his lifeless body (what opening did he use? Just wondering...) finds it useless and suddenly he and Beth begin ti fade into oblivion. If only they'd stay there.

Part Four - This Year

Back to good old 1995, the year I crapped my pants and told my father it was an alligator in my underwear. Uh...pretend you didn't hear that. Ok, so P.J. is dead and in typical Fear Street fashion, no-one has done a damn thing. FINALLY Reenie performs CPR until Sean pulls her away because poor P.J. has crossed that rainbow bridge to the other side. Before they can think of what to do (it's called 911. Use it.) Reenie's parents pull into the driveway and everyone completely loses it, dragging P.J. to the basement and stuffing him behind the furnace. Nice. When they go back upstairs, they realize it wasn't Reenie's parents after all. It was just some random car turning around in the driveway. I don't get why these paranoid lunatics are freaking out. Yes, it's terrible that P.J. died and it sucks that their stupid ass prank led to it. But they're acting like they murdered him with an ax. Why not just call 911 and explain the situation? It's not like they're all going to prison! Plus, if P.J.'s heart was THAT bad, why wasn't he being treated? He was a ticking time bomb. ANYTHING could have set him off. *sigh* Why the hell am I talking about this like I'm Dr. G? I just hate when the sons of bitches in these books care more about getting in trouble with mommy and daddy than the person who just DIED. Finally someone shows an inkling of common sense and calls 911. Unfortunately, P.J.'s body is gone. Well, that's just dandy. Everyone automatically believes P.J. was playing a joke all along like some modern Houdini who can stop his heart and all brain function at will. *sigh* They go back upstairs and an officer knocks on the door. They explain that the entire thing turned out to be a joke, the officer searches the house to make sure they're not hiding a moldy corpse, and leaves a moment later. The party is dead so everyone cleans up and leaves Reenie alone. Liz calls and freaks Reenie out by asking if P.J. is there. My brain hurts.

The next day, Reenie and Sean are walking to school and talking about Liz's call. They think Liz and P.J. are both in on the joke and just won't let it die. But no-one sees P.J. at school and it plants a seed of doubt in their pea-sized brains. Between classes, Reenie spots Liz crying in the hall, but she dashes off before Reenie can come over and ask what's wrong (as if you need to ask!) Reenie shows how much she cares by immediately thinking about something else: "The English assignment! I didn't read it. And the way today is going, we'll get one of Ms. Roper's hideous quizzes." With any luck, you'll fail. She rushes to the gym of all places to study and overhears Ty and Liz talking. Surprise, surprise--P.J. has vanished. And since there's a tragedy at hand, a make-out ensues between Ty and Liz. Because dry kisses cure all. Reenie watches like the dirty pervert she is. The bell rings a moment later and Reenie creeps out a moment after Ty and Liz. She gets called out of English class by the principal. The officer who came on the night of the party is there to ask her a few questions. She and all her friends who were at the party are interrogated in the cafeteria. I assume the station is clogged with other teenage delinquents. Shadyside sucks. They actually tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth and the detective informs them that P.J.'s jacket was found in the Fear Street Woods and he didn't come home last night. Ok...that really isn't all that weird. If I were humiliated by a bunch of moronic apes, I'd hide out for a while, too. Maybe P.J. realized how shitty Shadyside is and is running back to where he came from. Maybe I don't know what's going on or where I am right now. Maybe. By the time the detective is finished, school is over for the day and no-one seems that worried about P.J.

A week later, P.J. is still missing. Reenie and Greta are in Reenie's room talking about how they regret the joke. A little late for that. Then they start talking about Christmas and the fact that Greta is breaking up with Artie because he seems to have a hard on for Marc and won't stay away from him. Greta begs Reenie to go with her to break it off with Artie and she agrees. Unfortunately, Marc is at Artie's house. Artie answers the door and tells them to beat it because he and Marc are taking a shower and it's his turn to use the loofah. Kidding. Marc and Artie are actually working on Marc's beloved car and Artie says he'll go tell Marc that the girls are here. A moment later, the girls hear a blood curdling scream. They rush into the garage and find Marc covered in blood with his head facing the wrong way. Damn. Artie claims Marc was fine when he left him. I'm sure he twisted his own head and bashed his own face in, you idjit. I think it was P.J., that conniving little wretch. They think it's just some random killer who's picking them off one by one. But instead of saying something and getting the hell out of town (yeah, yeah, that would incriminate them, but who cares?) they'll just sit around like logs waiting for the killer to off them.

It's been a week since Marc was killed and everyone is totally paranoid. One evening, Reenie drives to the Burger Basket to pick up Sean and Ty because his car broke down. When she reaches the door, Sandi (the chick whose lips are made of FAIL) runs up to her and says she's here to get Ty. She wants to grill him about P.J's disappearance. Why the hell does she care? And why ask Ty? Why not go to Liz herself? Ok, I'm shutting up. Reenie goes to the bathroom and when she comes out, the place is deserted. Maybe if she had lit a match or something...never mind. Anyway, Reenie finds Sandi shoved into a trash can and screams until Sean and Ty come running. Sandi got the same head treatment as Marc. All Ty can say is "Wow!" If all that comes to mind is "Wow!" just don't say anything at all.

The gang is hanging out in Reenie's room discussing the murders. Everyone except Reenie believes that P.J. is hiding out in the woods somewhere, living like a mountain man and only coming out of the trees to kill people close to them. WHY? WHY?! Is there any logic to that whatsoever? Until they find his one room shack, outhouse, and collection of human skin, they can't exactly pin anything on him. I understand these idiots are upset, but I wish they'd cut the Scooby Doo shit. Their plan is to basically harrass the hell out of Liz until she gives them some info. How do they know she know anything? Ok, I'm not questioning their motives anymore. It just pisses me off and makes me wanna set my face on fire. So Reenie pays a visit to Liz (did I mention she lives on Fear Street? It just gets better and better.) Liz is pretty damn cold and basically tells Reenie to fuck off because she'll never forgive her and her little friends for what they did to P.J. Burn.

A few days later, Reenie receives a letter from Liz.

December 29

Dear Reenie,

I've been thinking about what you said and we do all need to stick together. I need my friends to get through this horrible time. So I've decided to have a New Year's Eve party. I know P.J. is gone and this has been a hard year for all of us. But let's put this year behind us and celebrate. And hope that next year is a better year for everyone. Please come. I'm inviting all my closest friends to my house around nine. Hope to see you then.

Liz

Can you say 'trap'? Because Liz is gonna get all these fools together and totally whale on them. Am I excited? Oh my hell yes!

It's now the night of Liz's party (a.k.a Death Fest '95) and Reenie and friends are suspicious as they pull up to the house--it appears that no-one is home. They knock on the door and Liz answers in her red velvet dress (so that psycho on the cover is her) and lets them inside. She's decorated the entire place in black because this is a funeral, after all. Even though the place looks like a funeral parlor and Liz is acting like Lurch, no-one seems to find it too odd. Like I said, these kids aren't the brightest crayons in the box. They hang around and talk until Liz announces a toast for their long lost friends. Then she breaks down and starts crying. She stops long enough to inform them why she REALLY invited them: "The reason I gave this party is because I decided it would be easier to kill you all at once instead of continuing one by one." Groovy.

The next chapter is titled "Reenie Dies First" which means Reenie won't die at all because that's how Stine rolls. Anyway, Liz confesses to killing Marc and Sandi for reasons unknown and rambles on and on about how much she enjoyed it. Put a sock in it, killer. Liz says they're going to die because P.J. died and it was their fault. Sean screams that he can't be dead, but Liz isn't listening to any smack talk and asks which of them would like to go first. I hate when the killers ask this. Like anyone will actually volunteer. Liz lunges toward Reenie with a carving knife, but Sean knocks it out of her hand, grabs it, and forces her to unbolt the front door. But Liz has completely lost her mind and starts acting like a feral cat, clawing at Sean until she gets the knife and presses it to his throat. Before she can shove it in, P.J. enters the room and tells her to stop. What the hell? This asshole has some explaining to do. Seriously, look at the mess he's caused! Instead of explaining anything, he simply says "I'm glad you waited, Liz. I would be so disappointed if you started without me. I want to watch them die, too." Oh come on! P.J. has been around all along and watched Liz kill Sandi and Marc and blah blah blah. A moment later, Liz somehow gets stabbed, but there's no blood. We're about to get our tie to 1965. Liz is Beth Fleisher and P.J. is Jeremy (Philip Jeremy Fleisher to be exact). So why are they doing this? Because they died "because some cruel kids played a mean joke on my brother. Thirty years later and you did the same thing." Ghosts are such fucking asshats. In this case, what happened to Beth and Jeremy in 1965 AND 1995 wasn't really anyone's fault!! Yes, the kids who pulled the pranks were shitty, but they weren't directly responsible for Beth and Jeremy dying! Anyway, after some more talk of revenge, Ty steps up to Liz and says "You weren't brought back from the dead to have your revenge. I was!" Are you kidding me? Turns out Ty is the kid that Jeremy and Beth ran over before crashing. The clock chimes midnight and Ty says he has to kill Jeremy and Beth. You can't really kill what's already dead. They all spin around in some frosty, ghostly whirlpool before vanishing in a puff of smoke. Everyone is freaked and Reenie says "It was all so sad, so sad and frightening. What more is there to say?" Sean pipes up with "How about happy new year?" That's it? You just saw ghosts fight their way to the netherworld and all you can say is HAPPY NEW YEAR? Screw you, Sean.

Conclusion? I actually liked this one. SHOCK! I just wish the characters hadn't been so dense.

Next time: Since I've temporarily run out of Fear Street novels, I'm going to be doing random novels until I get more Fear (which should be fairly soon). So next time will be "Funhouse" by Diane Hoh, a Point Horror about MURDER! HORRIBLE PRANKS! and A WICKED AMUSEMENT PARK! I've gotta say I'm a little relieved to take a break from Fear Street. One can only take so many animal homicides and dry, crusty kisses.

First Date

*This cover is just awful. The girl is high on roofies and Mr. Man back there looks like he turns furry under the full moon. Seriously, the hair on his arm is like 10 inches long. Run, little girl!*

Book Description:

Chelsea Richards is shy, lonely, and looking for love. She would give anything to finally go on a date. Soon there are two new boys in town and they BOTH ask her out. Too bad one of them is a crazed killer. Poor Chelsea. Will her first date also be her last?

My Description:

We begin this tale of deluded teenage love (or something like it) with two horndog teens steaming up the windows of a car. The boy, Joe, pulls away because he's getting a little TOO hot. He feels like he can't breathe and needs to gets away from the little bimbo whose name he can't even remember. She runs her hands through his hair and tells him she likes curly haired boys. Joe is disgusted and can only think "Mom used to do that to me." I'm not sure I want to know what kind of relationship he has with his mother. He finally suggests they go for a walk. As they're getting out of the car, he drops his wallet. She hands it to him and notices that his license says his name is Lonnie Mayes, not Joe Hodge. He lies and says it belongs to someone else because that makes so much sense. He's about to choke the life out of her is she asks any more questions and she must sense that because she shuts up. Yeah, I think it's safe to assume this guy just escaped from the local insane asylum. And Random Teenage Girl is lucky victim #1! They walk for a bit as Joe thinks about how he wiches he didn't have to murder her. But since she was all up in his grill about the license, he really doesn't see any other choice. A moment later, the girl is dead and Joe is on his way to Shadyside. Yee-haw!

Now we meet out "heroine" Chelsea Richards. She's a dullard and a loser. *sigh* I just got finished with a book in which the main character was a boring heap of mud with no confidence and a misguided belief that having a boyfriend would solve all problems instead of creating a whole array of new ones. Guess I get the pleasure of going through it all again. Anyway, Chelsea is practicing saxophone (at least she has hobbies) but stops to tell her mother how much she hates her life and to complain about the family. Instead of smacking her across the face and telling her to grow up like MY mom might have done, Mom quietly tells her she's not in the mood for complaints. She then proceeds to make fun of Chelsea. Ah, now THERE'S the Shadyside parent we've come to know and despise. Chelsea thinks about how dumpy she looks next to her beautiful mother before complaining how much Mom works. But don't worry. Mommy Dearest puts Chelsea in her place: "I'm very sorry, but your father and I have to work very hard. It's not like you're bringing in a fortune with your saxophone playing." BURN. I don't know whether to love or hate this woman. She's so deliciously bitchy. Then Chelsea whines about moving to Fear Street and having to live in a creepy house and why can't her hair be straight like Mom's and why is her hair so mousy colored (for the record, I see a lot of mousy hair in these books and I'd like to remind Stine that fucking MOUSE is a not a color!) and she whines so much that Mom starts throwing out the zingers: "Chelsea, you're a very attractive girl. If you'd lose a little weight and put on some lipstick..." We also have: "Frankly, your looks are great. It's your personality I'm not crazy about." Mama Richards takes no prisoners. She keeps talking until Chelsea starts to cry. Harsh. She gives Chelsea a hug before running out the door. What a bitch. I kind of...love it. I'd rather listen to her insults than Chelsea's whining.

Once alone, Chelsea decides to visit her only friend in Shadyside, Nina Darwin. They met in marching band (Nina plays the flute) after literally marching into one another. OF COURSE Nina is gorgeous, blond, and perky. Because if you're a dumpy brunette, you need something to remind you of how ugly and unimportant you are. Chelsea reaches Nina's house and Nina answers the door with her magnificent blond boy-toy, Doug Fredericks, in tow. They were just headed to Doug's cousin's house and ask Chelsea to come. She refuses and starts walking back home. She's stopped by some creep who calls out "Hey, how about a date?" She turns and sees a Honda Civic full of teenage boys pull up. The greasy one in the passenger seat keeps talking and his friends join in, all of them making sick comments until she freaks out and screams at them to leave her alone. Oily boy flicks a cigarette at her after frying her some chicken with the grease oozing from his fat head. All Chelsea can think of as the boys speed away is "If only I could meet a guy who liked me." Yeah. Too bad no-one will ever take you up on that. Go eat your chicken.

Chelsea is sitting in homeroom ogling the new boy, Will Blakely. *sigh* And it begins. She wants to say hello, but she's too shy. Aw. After the bell rings, Chelsea stands and "accidentally" spills the contents of her backpack all over the floor. Will rushes to her rescue, picking up her crap but never saying a single word to her. Chelsea doesn't seem to realize he's just as shy as she is and mentally kicks her own ass for not thinking of something clever to say. "Nina would have had him asking her out before her stuff was back in the backpack." Would you shut up about Nin already?!?! You're not her, you'll never be her, and you need to accept that and MOVE THE FUCK ON! Ok, rant over.

That evening, as Chelsea is working in her dad's restaurant, she can think of nothing but Will. She daydreams so much that she spills coffee all over the place and runs smack into some "tough guy" (wearing lots of leather and a Metallica T-shirt does not automatically mean you're a bad ass) He orders a burger and Coke and introduces himself as Tim Sparks. "But everyone calls me Sparks." Chelsea is extremely uncomfortable around Sparks because he's such an asshole. A moment later, he shocks Chelsea by asking her out to a movie and when she says nothing, he storms out like a big baby. Yeah, that's the tough guy way. If someone won't give you what you want, run home to your assless chaps. Chelsea continues serving the customers and thinking about Will. She gets all hot and bothered at the idea of asking him out instead of waiting for him to ask her. But she dismisses the thought because everyone knows that's just some scandalous shit right there. *sigh*

It's now closing time. As Chelsea and her father are preparing to lock up, some greasy thugs (because if you're a bad man, it's unthinkable that you would have good hygiene) break in and demand that Dad empty the cash register. He claims there's nothing in it and gets a lead pipe smashed into his head, courtesy of the littlest, greasiest thug. What is Chelsea doing? Screaming instead of calling 911 for her busted daddy. She's probably pissed that the guys are giving her dad more attention than her. I think I hate you, Chelsea. The guys bust open the register, find it empty indeed (oops!), and flee the scene. Once they're gone, Chelsea FINALLY decides it would be in her best interest to call the damn police. Bravo! Dumbass.

Two hours later, Chelsea finds herself home alone and pacing the floors in worry. Her dad is in "serious but stable" condition at Shadyside General under the care of Dr. Kevorkian (come on, you know he worked there at some point). It's nearly 10 PM and Chelsea wishes her mom would hurry home because she hates being alone in this big creepy house. If you want Chelsea to shut her mouth, raise your hand. Anyway, she ends up calling Nina, explaining the situation, and begging her to come for a sleepover. Nina agrees and shows up with her lover Doug because being alone with Chelsea for an entire night is a fate worse than death. They talk about the situation and then Chelsea goes to make coffee. While she's in the kitchen, she peeks into the living room and sees exactly why Nina dragged Dougie along--so they'd have a place to make out of course. Get a room! And they don't stop when Chelsea comes in and turns the TV to MTV. Chelsea doesn't care because she's too busy doing what she does best--moping about how lonely she is and blah blah blah. Shut up and do something about it! Quit whining! Why can't this book be about Chelsea's mom? You suck, Stine. Then Chelsea starts thinking about Tim Sparks and those bad boys that broke in. She wonders if Tim was one of them. How could she not know? They weren't even wearing masks! She starts getting nervous because *gasp* what is he comes back? Two words: who cares? Maybe he SHOULD come for you, Chelsea, you selfish turd. Your dad is half dead and you're whining about your lack of a boyfriend. You deserve a good kick in the ass!

Now we're back to Joe Hodge (or whoever the hell he is). I'm sure you're all dying to know what he did after murdering that braindead bimbo. Well, he's not doing a whole hell of a lot to be honest. He's just wondering around Shadyside...MENACINGLY! Or something. He thinks about how many girls in this town deserve to die. "Girls like you, Mom, he thought." I wanna say his mommy issues are disturbing and uncalled for because usually in these books, that's the way it goes. But it turns out his mom ran away with his sister which left him with his dad who would get drunk and beat the hell out of him. Damn. That's pretty heavy for a Fear Street book. Usually the motives are stupid things like "Once, some girl rode her bike in front of my car and I had to slam on the brakes and I got wicked whiplas. I got out intending to slit her throat and bury her in the Fear Street Woods, but she was kinda hot so we made out even though she was bleeding from a head wound the size of Texas. I was going to let her live, but her mustache rubbed my baby smooth skin raw--RAW dammit!--so I bashed her brains out with my spare tire. I was wearing my lucky X-Men Underoos that day so the cops never caught me." Anyway, the bastard gets a sudden urge to kill and ends up strangling a helpless kitten by the Conononka River. *SOB* Your animal bloodlust sickens me, Stine!

It's now been four days since Chelsea's dad got hurt and Chelsea is back at the restaurant. She doesn't like working there when her dad isn't there, though. Boo hoo. It's nearly closing time and she and Ernie the cook are the only two people there. She thinks Ernie has stepped out for a smoke because he doesn't answer when she calls to him. So she goes back to thinking about Will and the strange tightening she feels in her loins when she pictures his face. What are these strange feelings? I'm not ready for the changes! WAHHHH! *sigh* As Chelsea stands there with her head in the clouds, two guys walk in and since they don't know what the word 'shower' means, we know they must be bad news. Chelsea automatically assumes they've come to rob the place, but they do nothing but stand there and tell her she's kinda cute and ask when she gets off work. She tries to ignore them and suddenly Sparks comes in. The guys leave because their Dave Matthews Band T-shirts are no match for his Metallica shirt. Apparently all you need to be the baddest motherf^&*er in town is a T-shirt advertising a metal band. Chelsea says the guys seemed afraid of him and he says they should be. I just can't take this guy seriously. He's like a caricature of someone tough. Lame! Ernie leaves a few minutes later and Chelsea realizes she's alone with Sparks. She wants him to ask her out, but he doesn't bother and when he leaves, she's all disappointed. I don't get this chick. She was totally repulsed by him a few days ago and now she's suddenly hot for his bod. Her desperation must be getting the best of her.

Now for no apparent reason whatsoever, we get Sparks' thoughts as he enters his crummy apartment. I'm sure this will be ENLIGHTENING. And by 'enlightening' I mean stupid and pointless. He paces around the living room and growls like a rabid dog, all while thinking about how he wanted to ask Chelsea out. He gets pissed off because he didn't do it and ends up ripping the phone out of the wall and throwing it against the window. What a gentle lamb.

The next day, Chelsea searches for Nina after the last bell. She finds her standing against her locker, crying. Apparently her precious Doug has fallen prey to Suki Thomas's slutty siren song. Nina, dear, you should have known this would happen. Suki's vagina is a Venus fly trap--nothing escapes! Actually, all Doug was doing was talking to her so I'm not sure what Nina is freaking out over. Is he not allowed to have female friends? Anyway, Chelsea shows that she really cares by changing the subject to Sparks. As she's babbling about him, Nina is babbling about Doug. You both suck. Nina suddenly spots Doug and runs toward him, leaving Chelsea alone to realize that Nin wasn't listening to her and probably never does. "Nina's a good friend when Doug isn't around, she thought unhappily. But when he's around, I'm invisible." It's time to face facts--Nina has her head so far up Doug's butt, I can't tell where he ends and she begins. He's not going anywhere anytime soon and if that bothers you, make new friends! Just shut up. SHUT UP! Quit whining and complainig about trivial things you could easily change! GRRR. Suddenly Will comes up to Chelsea and asks her if she wants to take a walk. Oh Will. Prepare to have your brain melted and your soul drained. Chelsea eagerly accepts and they walk to the Conononka (I HATE spelling that) River. On the way, Chelsea talks about this and that, but Will barely says anything. It starts to snow and Chelsea says she has to go to work. Before she leaves, Will asks if she wants to go to a movie on Saturday and she spazzes out and blurts "Yeah. Great! My first date!" Will says it's his first date, too, and they should keep it private. Is he THAT embarrassed to be seen with her?

The next afternoon, Chelsea is practicing saxophone when her mom bursts into the house. She's only home to change out of her nursing uniform (the one she's wearing is coated in someone's blood) and then she's going right back to the nursing home. God help those old people. I don't think I have to tell you that Chelsea whines about this. Then she tells her mother that she has a date on Saturday with a real live boy. Mom basically ignores this and says Dad will be out of the hospital in a week or two. She also says she'll drop Chelsea off at the restaurant on her way back to work. Chelsea spends most of her time doing geometry homework...until Sparks comes in. Here we go. Yuck. She gets him coffee and a doughnut and they talk a little. Chelsea asks him if he has a job and he says he just had an interview at the mill...except the mill has been closed for years. Liar! Then he asks Chelsea out for Saturday, she says she already has a date, and he gets incredibly pissed and storms out like the child he is. Have I mentioned I hate this guy? Because I hate this guy.

It's now Saturday night and Will and Chelsea are on their way to Waynesbridge for a movie. These two are about as interesting as a couple of cardboard cutouts. Seriously. My cat speaks more. I understand shyness (more than I want to) but come on! I don't care if you talk about the damn weather or your latest bowel movement. Just SAY something. Anything! Finally they talk about how klutzy they both are and soon they're at the theater. After the movie (which is described as a "comedy with John Candy and at least two Quaid brothers." I thought there were ONLY two Quaid brothers. Huh.) they drive up to the infamous River Ridge where Shadyside teens gather to have unsafe sex. When they arrive, no-one is there and Will kisses Chelsea. Unfortunately, it sucks: "The kiss was awkward and brief." Don't forget dry...oh so DRY. They take a little walk and Will lets Chelsea get ahead so he can take a cord out of his pocket and prepare to strangle her. Yep, Will is Joe Hodge. Chelsea reminds him of his sister Jennifer who got to go away with mom while Will was left to endure nightly drunken beatings. Just as he prepares to wrap a cord around Chelsea's neck, a car pulls up. It's just some naughty teens, but they've stolen Will's buzz and now he just wants to leave. He's sad that he can't kill her and dump her in the river, but then she invites him to her place (her parents obviously won't be there) and he realizes he can just kill her there. Perfect! Chelsea mistakes his evil grin for happiness, happiness caused by being with her. *snort*

Once in Chelsea's house, they make out until neither of them can breathe. She compares it to a magic carpet ride. I doubt it. Will drags out his handy dandy choking cord, but Chelsea jumps up and says she's going to make hot chocolate. Damn. You'd think killing her would be easy, especially for a seasoned murderer such as Will. He decides to try again, sneaking into the kitchen and coming up behind her with the cord. Of course she turns around before he can do anything. This is getting ridiculous. If you're gonna kill her, do it already! What the hell does it matter if she sees you coming or not? It's not like she'll be alive to tell anyone! Anyway, this time he's interrupted by a knock at the door. It's Nina who just had a big fight with Doug. I am so over this crap. Call Gary Brandt. He'd be more than happy to help you through this difficult time. Chelsea heads back into the kitchen to tell Will that their date is cut short and she's sorry, but he's already gone.

It's now Sunday afternoon and Chelsea is playing sax while her mother attempts to read and wonders why she never got an abortion. Chelsea whines about Mom never supporting her and gets this as a reply: "I don't want to encourage you. I hate the saxophone!" Lady, I hate your daughter as much as you do, but that saxophone is the only thing between her and suicide. So chill the fuck out. A few minutes later, Will calls with a pack of lies for Chelsea. He says he told her goodnight before he left and blah blah blah. She eats it up and says they could meet up tomorrow night to continue the date. Yay! NOT. They hang up and Chelsea's mom leaves for work after harrassing Chelsea about her new boyfriend. Nice. Later, Chelsea opens the door to stare out at the falling snow and comes face to face with some psychopath. AHHHH! IT'S THE FEDS! No, really. It's an FBI agent who asks her a few questions about a suspect they're searching for. He gives her a physical description that sounds just like Tim Sparks. Ooo. Chelsea tells the agent, he gives her his card, and leaves a moment later. Are you kidding me? The fucking FBI?!?!

It's Monday afternoon and Chelsea and Nina are eating lunch together. Just another opportunity for Chelsea to bitch and moan: "Nina must think I'm a total pig." Since Nina is on the anorexic diet and is only having an apple and a small vanilla yogurt, Chelsea assumes she's hogzilla because she's having a ham sandwich, potato chips, a chocolate pudding, and a Coke. For the 55849476th time: SHUT UP!!! Anyway, Nina says she and Doug made up last night *wink wink* Then Chelsea quietly chews on her sandwich and thinks about Will and the fact that he wasn't at school today. Who. Cares.

That evening at work, Chelsea acts like a complete spazoid because she's afraid of seeing Sparks. Toward closing time, it's just Chelsea and Ernie who steps out for a cigarette. As Chelsea is emptying the cash register, she hears someone. She shoves the money in a desk drawer and comes out to the counter where she spots Sparks sitting at a table grinning at her. He starts giggling like some demented baby doll and when he's close enough, Chelsea smells the booze on his breath. He tries to grab her and she runs into the kitchen where Sparks ends up burning his entire hand on the grill. Moron. Chelsea runs to call 911, but calls the agent instead who says he's on his way and will call the ambulance. Even though his hand is a crusty, pus-filled mess, Sparks says he'll just go home and slap a bandage on it. Chelsea freaks out because she needs to keep him there. Fortunately, the ambulance comes, they pack him up, and the agent tells him once he's released from the hospital, the FBI has a few questions for him. What the hell? Oh well. Chelsea locks up and leaves. She spots Will on the corner and runs up to him. He's happy to see her because tonight's the night he's going to kill her. How romantic. They go to Chelsea's house and Will can hardly contain his laughter at the fact that Chelsea handed the wrong guy to the FBI. Oops. As Chelsea babbles on about her pathetic existance, Will thinks about his numerous neuroses involving women. I'm losing steam here. I hate every character in this book (except for that innocent kitten. WHY?!?! SOB!) and I just don't give a damn what happens to any of them. Where is the logic, Stine? We're expected to feel sympathy for the poor girl who's inadvertently dating a murderer. So why make her so freaking annoying that you end up WANTING her to die?! *sigh* Anyway, Chelsea finally says something that Will actually pays attention to: "I have a confession to make, Will. I told my friend Nina all about you." And just like that, he decides Nina will also have to die. Did Chelsea not think it was odd when he basically flat out said he didn't want to meet anyone close to her? Plus, she has no idea where he lives or anything about his family. For all she knows, he could be *GASP* a murderer! But of course that will never enter her feeble mind because Will is just so cute and shy. Chelsea goes into the kitchen to call Nina so she can come over and meet Will *cough*and die*cough*. Chelsea hangs up the phone and as she's grabbing Cokes from the fridge, it rings. It's the FBI agent who says Sparks is not their guy. Chelsea peeks into the living room and realizes the killer...is in the house! NOOO! Yes! NOOO! Oh YES! She tells the agent who tells her to get the hell out of there. She runs out into the night, but good old Will catches her. Dammit. Will this never end?!

Will demands to know where she's going, but she doesn't answer so he tries to lead her back to the house. She breaks away and screams that she knows who he really is. Now might be a good time to run, stupid. She wastes too much time thinking about what to do and Will takes the opportunity to wrestle her to the ground and wrap the dreaded cord around her neck. Once he believes she's dead (as nice as that would be, we all know it ain't so) he drags her to the side of the house and decides to wait on Nina to arrive so he can dispose of her, too. It's a party! He ends up going inside just a moment before Nina arrives. He answers the door like he owns the place and tells Nina that Chelsea is upstairs and will be down in a sec. She mentions that Chelsea has said a lot about him and he thinks "I know, he thought bitterly. That's why I have to kill you." Just a barrel of laughs. Nina says she wants to go check on Chelsea, but Will says "Oh. I just remembered. She went out. To get ice cream." You're a terrible liar. Nina knows this, too, so Will lunges at her with the cord. She manages to get away and he says "Sorry." Sorry? SORRY? He tells her he killed Chelsea and grabs her. But before he can finish her off, CHELSEA shoves him away. He freaks out because he thought he killed her. There's some struggle with a knife and then the FBI agents enter. Finally. FINALLY this shit is over. And I still have a shred of sanity left.

Later, Chelsea visits Sparks in the hospital. He tells her his whole life story which is unimportant at this point and then asks her on a date. Her reply? "It's bound to be better than my FIRST date!" Gag me with a chainsaw.

Conclusion? Yuck.

Next time: "All Night Party" Secluded location + psychotic teenager = good old-fashioned fun.

*EDIT* Since I can't find my copy of "All Night Party", the next post will be "The New Year's Party", yet ANOTHER rip-off of "I Know What You Did Last Summer"...sort of. Can you feel the excitement?!? Me neither.

The Babysitter

Book Description:

From the minute Jenny accepted the Hagen baby-sitting job, she knew she had made a mistake. First there was the dark and disheveled Hagen house, moaning and groaning with her every step. Then the crank phone calls started. "Hi, Babes. Are you all alone? Company's coming." When Jenny discovered a creepy neighbor prowling in the backyard and a threatening note in her backpack, she realized this wasn't a harmless game.But who would want to hurt her? What kind of maniac wanted to scare Jenny... to death?

My Description:

* Just a quick note: I just read the comments for the last post ("Missing") and apparently I offended some people with my Star Trek comments (shout out to Bridget who thinks I'm a slutty whore!) For that I apologize. Honestly, I've never even seen the show so I really have no right to judge. *

We begin this tale of TERROR! (sarcasm is fun, no?) with Jenny and her friend Laura riding the bus. Laura is yapping about boys and Jenny is totally zoning out, staring out the window and worrying about her babysitting job. She's a babysitter. The book is called "The Babysitter". Is your mind blown? Anyway, Laura sees some guy named Bob Tanner raking leaves in his yard and completely freaks out because she has the mind of a retarded chimp. Seriously, it's just some dude with a rake, not Jesus Christ. She hangs her head out the window and screams at him. The guy turns and it's not even Bob. It's just some random guy trying to rake his yard in peace without getting harrassed by some teenage girl. As Jenny watches this pathetic scene, she thinks about how Laura could have any guy she wanted. *sigh* Here we go... Laura is gorgeous, looks like a model, and her poop smells like dew kissed roses. Jenny looks dull, tries to look like the models she sees in Mademoiselle (epic FAIL), and feeds off Laura's half assed compliments ("You look just like that actress Demi Moore." Except not.) like a starving dog with a juicy, meaty bone. I would like to read an R.L. Stine book in which all the main characters are beasts. Not everyone has to be blonde and perfect, Stine! Jenny and Laura talk about school and then Jenny tells the story of how she got the babysitting job she's going to.

She was at the mall and spotted a little boy with blonde hair and blue eyes (of course. Dammit, Stine.) who was playing near the fountain all by himself. Jenny is shocked and normally I would say "Why are you so surprised? All parents in Shadyside neglect their children." But I forget that this book doesn't take place anywhere near Fear Street. JOY! So Jenny rushed over to the boy who introduces himself as Donny and they sat and chatted intil his parents, the Hagens, rushed up. They were grateful to find him and since Donny had obviously fallen madly in love with Jenny, they immediately offered her the job without checking to see if she was a serial killer or something first! Happy endings all around.

Jenny finally reaches her stop and walks the few blocks to the Hagens' house. They live on a street that is oddly reminiscent of another street we're all too familiar with. Old rambling dilapidated mansions? Check. Creepy trees? Check. A lonely teenage girl with absolutely no self-esteem and no boyfriend which means no-one would care if she vanished because everyone knows teenage girls only have their boyfriends to care about them? Check check check! Edgetown Lane is the poor man's Fear Street! Anyway, Mr. Hagen lets Jenny in, makes some painfully lame jokes, and hurries off to take Jenny's jacket upstairs for no reason. Mrs. Hagen comes out of the kitchen and apologizes for her husband's nervousness: "He's always nervous on the nights we go out." Because? Ok, don't tell me. See if I care! Donny is in the den watching Ghostbusters and Mrs. Hagen leads Jenny to the room after gabbing on and on about the difference between 'groovy' and 'awesome' (one is for hippies, the other for mall rats). "I was a linguistics major, believe it or not." Oh I believe it. I also believe in shutting the hell up. Mr. Hagen comes down and tells Donny he has to go to bed after the movie is over. Donny whines like a good little cliche and then Mr. Hagen decides to cheerfully mention the recent rash of babysitter attacks. "Some creep in a ski mask was breaking into homes and beating up babysitters. So far there had been two attacks. Both babysitters had had to be hospitalized." What a comfort. Finally the parentals make their escape and Donny seems relieved: "Good." Tee hee.

After putting Donny to bed a little later, Jenny decides to explore (i.e. snoop) the old house. She hates nearly everything about it because it's old and creepy. Suddenly a loud banging noise interrupts her negative thoughts. Is it the Babysitter Bungler ready to beat the crap out of Jenny with his trusty crowbar?! No, it's just a loose shutter. Damn. She heads toward the kitchen and flips out when she feels something brush against her leg. Apparently, the Hagens neglected to mention that they have a cat. Jenny goes to Donny's room to make sure her banshee shriek didn't wake him. He's still asleep so Jenny grabs a Coke and some chips from the kitchen, settles herself in the den, and tries to think of something to do. She picks up a newspaper, but that's a mistake--'Third Babysitter Attack Has Police On Alert' Then she digs through her backpack for something else to read and all she finds is a Stephen King novel and she's already freaked out enough by the loost shutters and kitty cat and psycho babysitter beater. A moment later, she hears footsteps from upstairs. She thinks it's the cat, but if you have an IQ higher than zero, you know it's Donny. He's thirsty so she gets him some milk before taking him back to his room. He asks for a kiss and a story. She gives him both. Her story is longwinded and all about a nimroad babysitter who decides to get back at her charge for scaring her by scaring HIM. Thrills and chills! Yawn.

As Jenny is walking downstairs, she hears someone knocking on the door. Her first thought? "It sounds like a burglar, Jenny thought. A picture of a guy in a black-and-purple striped sweater, wearing a black mask over his eyes, carrying a bag of burglar tools flashed into her mind." First of all, why the hell would a burglar KNOCK? Pardon me for forgetting that most burglars are polite members of society who will lightly rap on the door before coming inside to vandalize your home. Second, why is Jenny's imaginary burglar dressed like the unholy spawn of Grimace and the Hamburglar? And third,why would he need tools if he's just gonna knock anyway? So many holes in your "logic" Jenny! After completely freaking out for a few seconds, she finally goes over to the door to peek outside. Some weirdo in a lumberjack shirt with greasy hair and caterpillar eyebrows is waiting on the porch. Is it the Babysitter Bunter?! No, it's Willers, the next door neighbor who simply wants to make sure everything is ok because he thought he saw someone creeping around the house. Jenny quickly dismisses him, shuts the door, and jumps a mile when Donny puts a hand on her shoulder and says "I'm thirsty again."

It's now Friday afternoon and Jenny and Laura are hanging out at *sigh* the Pizza Oven. No comment (because you already know what my comment would be if I had one.) Laura is stuffing her snout while Jenny tells her about her night at the Hagens' house. Of course Laura can't keep her eyes off some guy who just walked in wearing a leather jacket and pants that are so tight his baby maker is probably broken. Jenny slyly brings up Laura's BOYFRIEND Eugene. Laura says she's probably breaking up with him because the magical Bob Tanner asked her out. Five bucks says Bob Tanner and Laura are this town's version of Gary Brandt and Suki Thomas. Skanks! The leather boy moves away and Laura's attention is back to Jenny. They talk more about Jenny's job until they're unterrupted by some douchebag named Chuck who has been hiding under their table the entire time for no reason other than he's an annoying little shit. He climbs in the booth beside Jenny and Laura decides it's time to leave. Chuck and Jenny chat a little because Jenny thinks he's cute. He ends up asking her out for Saturday night and she makes the mistake of telling him she babysits. "I'll come by on Saturday night while you're babysitting." She keeps telling him no, but he pretends he can't hear her. Eventually she gets pissed and walks off. I hate characters like Chuck that serve no purpose. In this case, Chuck only exists so Stine can insert every lame ass joke he can think of. "It's been real. Real gross! Haha!" Not funny. "My dad and I came here from Mars a little more than a month ago." Not funny but believable; only a fucking Martian could make such lame jokes and think they're absolutely hilarious. "Just looking up your dress! Haha!" *sigh* Shut up, Chuck.

The next evening, Jenny arrives at the Hagens' house a few minutes late. Mrs. Hagen is cool with it, but Mr. Hagen acts like he's about to have a seizure and runs upstairs. They leave a few minutes later and Donny insists they play hide and seek. He runs to hide while Jenny counts to 100. Of course Jenny gets scared walking around the house alone and gives up once she reaches the kitchen. Luckily, that's exactly where Donny is hiding and he bursts out of a closet, effectively scaring Jenny (which isn't hard). Donny may as well babysit himself. If the shit really hit the fan, Jenny would be absolutely useless. As punishment for scaring her, Jenny makes Donny go to bed which takes about another 45 minutes because Jenny is an idiot and allowed him to have plenty of sugary juice and such. Once he's in bed, Jenny hears the phone ringing in the den and runs to answer it. She really shouldn't have--it's just some pervert who gets his jollies by heavily huffing his stanky breath into the phone. Jenny sets the phone down and runs to Donny's room. He's standing there with the receiver to his ear (why does a 6 year old have his own phone?) but he swears that he didn't call, that the phone rang and he was simply listening. Donny goes back to bed and Jenny heads for the den. The pervert is persistent and calls about a million more times. Jenny ignores it, but finally just picks the damn thing up. "Hi, Babes. Are you all alone? Are you all alone in that big house? Well, don't worry. Company's coming." Ew. She hangs up, freaked out and wondering if that was Chuck. Probably. But then she remembers Willers, the greasy neighbor, and automatically believes it's him. Just because someone never washed their hair or waxes their prominent brow or wears anything that doesn't look like it came out of a Seattle grungehead's closet does not mean that person is some kind of creep! Anyway, as Jenny is preparing to call the cops (as if they would or could do anything) the phone rings... It's Mar. Hagen who apparently thinks Jenny is a complete incompetent, asking her tons of questions before finally hanging up. She paces around the room for a while before stopping in front of a photo of Donny and a little girl that looks exactly like him. Jenny realizes that this must be why Mr. Hagen is so protective of Donny--he lost a child. She quickly forgets all about this when she looks out the window and sees a car parked at the curb with a man in the driver's seat. A man sitting in a car! What kind of HELL is this?! In other words, Jenny needs to chill the fuck out.

It's Sunday morning and Jenny is eating pancakes with her mom which means she's still alive which means the man in the car wasn't the Babysitter Bonker which means the Babysitter Bonker is still at large. Oh what a world! They talk about babysitting and Mom brings up Chuck. She says he called her last night to get the Hagens' number because he knew Jenny was there. Since Jen is afraid of everything on the planet, she's now terrified of Chuck and believes he's dangerous and made those weird calls the night before. *sigh* Then she thinks she's jumping to conclusions. But maybe it WAS him. Or maybe he's harmless. SHUT UP! Even if he did call, who the hell cares? He's an irritating pest, but I seriously doubt he's sitting at home drawing up plans for Jenny's brutal murder. Although it might be best if he was...

Later, Jenny meets Laura at the mall. They talk about Chuck (what else?) and Laura says it couldn't have been him making the calls. She immediately changes the subject because Jenny's life isn't important to her in the least. What IS important? Press-on nail kits and Ellen Sapper's pierced ears. Once again, Jenny, you would be better off alone than with this dodo bird. They go into Sock City (yes, an entire store devoted to socks) and spot Chuck. Great. Jenny does her usual freak out and tries to run away before Chuck sees her, but he's already making his way over. He makes some stupid jokes, apologizes to Jenny for being a jerk at Pizza Oven on Friday and annoys the store manager to the point that the guy asks them to leave. They reach the theater where a clay animation festival is taking place and Chuck gets excited and begs them to come. Laura makes her exit, leaving Jenny alone with him AGAIN. Enjoy your clay.

Jenny is babysitting again, playing Uno and Chutes & Ladders with Donny until his bedtime. Of course it takes about an hour to get him to go to bed and Jenny has to pretend to be a werewolf before he will. How degrading. She goes into the den, opens her government textbook, and puts the new Bangles cassette into her Walkman (this book really is old). She turns off the music after a few minutes because she's afraid Donny will need something and she won't be able to hear. After a bit, she gets boredwith reading and goes in the kitchen for a Coke (is Pepsi a sin? How much does Stine get for product placement?) Eventually her mind wanders to Chuck...I was over this storyline the moment it was introduced. It's boring! The guy hasn't done a damn thing and she's acting like he's Charles Manson. Of course she gets another freaky call. "Hi, Babes. Are you all alone? Don't be sad. I'll be there soon. Then the fun will really begin." Promises promises. Jenny reacts predictably and calls the police. What the hell could they possibly do? They could post someone outside the house, but the creep would just drive on by once he saw the coppers. They could trace the call, but...you know what? Just forget it. I don't even care! The cop she talks to takes down all her information and says the calls probably came from...INSIDE THE HOUSE! AHHHHH! I wish. He says the calls probably won't amount to anything and she should get a friend or something to stay with her if it would make her feel safer. Jenny feels better even though the call was pretty much useless. She runs to check on Donny and hears someone knocking at the door. Is it the Babysitter Buster?!

No. It's Chuck who scares the shit out of Jenny because he's wearing a scary mask. Does she ever shut up? She spends about 99.9% of her life screaming her head off. Once he pulls the mask off, she opens the door and gets pissed. She verbally cuts his ass to shreds, but he refuses to leave and she finally lets him in because he looks cold. You're both idiots. He apologizes and before Jenny can say anything, Donny comes downstairs in his little G.I. Joe pajamas and wants to know who the hell has invaded his home. I love you, Donn.y Chuck introduces himself and asks Donny if he'd like to try on the monster mask. Donny says yes, Jenny says no, and Chuck ignores Jenny's "authority" by giving Donny the mask. Chuck and Donny play around until Jenny gets angry and says Donny needs to go back to bed. Donny begs Chuck to tuck him in and Jenny says it's ok. As if anyone is actually listening to her at this point. Chuck comes back a few minutes later and tries to cuddle with Jenny on the sofa, but she's not having it. Instead she decides to ask if he called her earlier. His answer? "Yes, I'm sorry, Jenny. It was me." SHOCK! Before he can say more, a loud crash from outside interrupts. Even though she's usually scared of her own shadow, she grabs a flashlight and decides to investigate. She makes her way to the side of the garage and finds America's favorite greaseball Willers. He claims he thought he saw a prowler, came out to investigate, and tripped over a pile of firewood. Jenny doesn't really believe him but heads back inside where Chuck offers to warm her up. Not with the child in the house, sir. Jenny refuses and Chuck opts to explains his phone calls instead. He says he called, got nervous, started breathing heavily, and hung up. She mentions the other call, but he says that wasn't him. She still isn't sure, but rather than think about it, she decides to make out with him. It always leads to that, doesn't it?

20 minutes later and they're STILL kissing...until they hear car doors slamming outside and realize the Hagens must be home and Daddy Hagen probably won't take too kindly to a strange boy in his house. Chuck darts out the front door just as the Hagens come in through the back. Mr. Hagen wanted to leave the party early because he has no faith in Jenny. He stomps upstairs as his wife bitches about his "hunches and bad premonitions". He hands Jenny her coat and goes into the living room. "Wait a minute! What's this?" Uh-oh. It's just that stupid mask, but Mr. Hagen acts like he discovered a used condom stuffed in the couch. But I forget that teenagers NEVER have sex! NO! *sigh* Jenny lies and says she brought it for Donny. Mr. Hagen accepts this and finally shuts his fat face. As he drives Jenny home, he quietly informs her that he doesn't like his babysitters to have visitors. Jenny nervously says she understand. When he pulls up to her house, he whispers "We had another child." Okey dokey. Jenny says by but he doesn't seem to hear.

The next day, Jenny and Laura are in P.E. playing volleyball. Jenny sucks and Laura acts like a total bitch about it. "Try to get it over the net this time!" Shut. Your. Piggy. Snout. Jenny calls her out on it and Laura's excuse for being so cranky is she broke up with Bob Tanner the night before. She works fast. And that's really no excuse to treat your supposed "best friend" like a piece of gutter trash. Before Jenny can reply, she gets the wind knocked out of her by a fast moving serve. She goes to sit in the locker room and finds a note in her backpack. 'Hi, Babes. All alone in that big old house? Don't worry. Company's coming.' Not this shit again. He could at least be creative. Now Jenny believes more than ever that it's Chuck. I wish I cared.

It's Saturday evening and Jenny is on the bus heading toward her usual destination. She gets off and walks a few blocks. She's almost to the Hagen house when she sees Willers following her and she flips out and starts running. He tells her to stop, but her mother always told her to never trust plaid so she keeps running. When she reaches the house, Mr. Hagen opens the door. She tells him about Willers and he says he doesn't know anyone by that name and the house next door has been vacant for months. Well, that at least explains Willers' unkempt appearance--he's a homeless drifter. The parents leave and Donny wants to watch the movie he rented--Poltergeist. He falls asleep about halfway through and Jenny puts him to bed. A few moments later, she hears footsteps. Not Donny. NOT the cat. It's Mr. Hagen whose paranoia has become extremely annoying. He says he had a bad feeling something was wrong and rushes to check on Donny. "Jenny! Donny's gone! Gone!" Well, that's just fucking peachy. Mr. Hagen completely loses his mind, screaming until Donny pops out from under the bed. Hagen grabs him like he hasn't seem him in years. Mrs. Hagen enters a moment later and tells her husband she's giving him some of those happy pills she's so fond of. She says she'll drive Jenny home, but he insists he'll do it and they put Donny to bed.

When Jenny arrives home, she finds her mom in bed reading. They say good-night and when Jenny gets to her room, she decides she would rather spend Saturday nights like her mom. She'll work for the Hagens a little while longer but that's it. With Jenny's nerves, I'm surprised she lasted this long. Her phone rings and it's just (up)Chuck. He says she's been avoiding him and he's sorry for whatever he did. She explains about the creepy note and says she doesn't know what to think. He begs to see her on Thursday night to "study" and she says he and Laura can both come. He ends the conversation with "Thursday night will be special." and Jenny thinks that was weird and reads way too much into it. Jenny needs to pocket some of Mrs. Hagen's happy pills. Maybe that'll shut her up...

Thursday rolls around and after putting Donny to bed, Jenny rushes to answer the door. It's Chuck, Laura, and poor Eugene, Laura's whipping boy. Laura immediately drags Eugene into the den for reasons I'd rather not think about. Jenny and Chuck start making out until they're interrupted by Eugene telling Chuck that he left his headlights on. He runs outside and once alone, Jenny hears a noise in the kitchen. Here we go AGAIN. Turns out it's just that meddling cat who has knocked over the sugar cannister and is busy lapping it up. Instead of cleaning it up, Jenny goes back to lapping at Chuck's tonsils. Unfortunately, once she comes up for air, she sees Mr. Hagen standing over them. Oh shit.

Before Hagen can decapitate them both, Mrs. Hagen walks in and so does Laura and Eugene. Jenny's friends bail because Mr. Hagen is about to totally lose his freaking mind. While the Hagens go check on Donny, Jenny goes into their bedroom to get her coat. Once she opens the closet, a shoebox filled with the obligatory damning newspaper clips falls out. All the articles are about the recent babysitter attacks and about babysitters in general. And all the names have been circled in red marker. Jenny decides Mr. Hagen is insane even though those could very well be Mrs. Hagen's clippings. NOT. Mr. Hagen enters and tells her it's time to go. She says she could just take the bus, but he insists he must drive her. Yeah...right off the edge of a cliff. Oh, my mistake--he's driving her to the middle of nowhere and she only just realized it. When she makes the mistake of asking too many questions, he screams "SHUT UP!" and smacks her across the face. At the risk of getting slapped again, are we there yet? Anyway, Jenny says she didn't do anything and Mr. Hagen explains why he hates babysitters: "I had a baby. A little girl. She was only two. But the babysitter wasn't quick enough. The babysitter wasn't smart enough. The babysitter wasn't GOOD ENOUGH! My little girl died. Now it's your turn." I get the sinking feeling that Jenny is speeding down a dark and desolate highway with *gulp* the Babysitter Basher!

The car suddenly comes to a stop and Mr. Hagen forces Jenny out of the car. She realizes that they're at the old deserted rock quarry where no-one can hear you scream. They stop near the edge of a deep pit and Jenny realizes he plans on pushing her in. She keeps telling him that she didn't do anything, but all he knows for sure is the time: "It's time to die." Blunt much? Just as Mr. Hagen steps forward to shove Jenny to her death, a man's voice calls out "Stop right there, Hagen!" SAVED! By Willers! Although greasy and clumsy, he can still serve a purpose. Even though he's pointing a gun at Mr. Hagen, Hagen still makes a move to push Jenny. She dives out of the way and he goes sailing into the pit. "His scream cut through the air like a fading police siren. Then she heard a sickening crash, like a full carton of eggs hitting the sidewalk. Then silence." Fucking ouch.

Willers comes over and leads Jenny away from the pit. He tells her his real name is Lieutenant Ferris; he's the officer Jenny talked to the night she freaked out and called the cops. They get into his car and as he drives, he explains that he's had Hagen's house staked out since the babysitter attacks started. "Two years ago, his daughter died mysteriously. No-one ever knew the cause. [That's what MYSTERIOUSLY means, Sherlock] He went berserk. He blamed the babysitter that was taking care of her. It wasn't the girl's fault, but Hagen just went nuts. He attacked the girl, beat her up pretty badly. It went to court. He got off lightly because he had been in a disturbed emotional state. Then he moved to the other side of town and took a new job. When someone started bearing up babysitters a few months ago, he was our prime suspect." Ok, Chatty Cathy, I get it. And all of that just sounds so stupid.

Once home, Ferris walks Jenny to the door where she's greeted by her mom and Chuck. Ferris explains everything and leaves for the Hagens' house after telling Jenny he'll pick her up tomorrow for a statement. As the three sit at the table drinking tea, Jenny's mom mentions a woman who needs a babysitter. Are you stupid or just stupid? Obviously Jenny refuses and Chuck says that she's only babysitting him from now on. *sigh* Shut up, Chuck.

Conclusion? So Mr. Hagen was the one making all the calls and writing the notes. GROSS. The big problem I have with this book is the fact that we never learn how the child died. What the hell happened and why was the babysitter blamed? Oh well. This was the simple story I had been craving. I could have done without Chuck and his brainless jokes, though. They weren't funny in 1989 (when this sucker was published. Stine's glory days!) and they're not funny now.

Next time: "First Date" She's a lonely girl searching for love. He's a psychotic teenage boy with big creepy hands, perfect for choking a chicken. Can they make it work? *cough*NO*cough*

Missing

What. The. Hell. I'm speechless.

Book Description:

What would YOU do if your parents didn't come home, didn't call, left no note? At first, Mark and Cara Burroughs aren't terribly alarmed. Their parents have stayed out late before. But other things start to go wrong. Mark's girlfriend Gena breaks up with him and suddenly disappears. The police don't seem at all interested in finding Mark and Cara's parents. And their mysterious cousin who boards with them seems to be spying on their every move! When murder strikes, Mark and Cara learn their terror is only beginning. Someone wants THEM to disappear too! But why? The answer lies deep in the Fear Street Woods. But will they live long enough to find it?

My Description:

Cara, our narrator through most of this tale of DOOM!, begins the story with the party she and Mark were having the first night their parents didn't come home. They're acting like their parents are mental incompetents who need help with everything and don't know their butt from a hole in the ground (judging by the ridiculous cover, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree). She and Mark are fairly new to Shadyside and don't understand why everyone acts so weird about the fact that they live on Fear Street. You'll find out soon enough, my friends. Mwahahahaha! *cough* Anyway, we get some descriptions of the siblings. Mark is a blond, dimpled cutie who I pray looks better than that jackass on the cover (no, I don't know when I'll shut up about the cover. The damn thing is so ridonkulous I can't take my eyes off it). He makes friends easily because Shadyside teens love a looker. In fact, that's really all it takes to be a success in this town. Blond hair + blue eyes + dimpled chin = world domination. Cara, on the other hand, is a little different. She has difficulty making friends and blames this on her twisted sense of humor and cynical world view. Folks, dare I say that we have a *gasp* INTERESTING main character that has more to talk about than psychotic teenage boys and the latest trip to Pete's Pizza? I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she doesn't take a turn for the worse about 50 pages in.

Cara rambles about her friends Lisa and Shannon and Mark's unhealthy obsession with his girlfriend Gena Rawlings. The fact that he spends nearly every waking moment with her or thinking about being with her *cough*possibly while touching himself*cough* is really pissing off his parents. Speaking of the parents, their job causes them to move a lot (six moves in the last eight years) which is why Cara doesn't bother to get close to anyone: "My mom puts me down a lot for being a loner, but what choice do I have? I mean, why get involved with people when you're only going to know them for a short while?" First of all, your mom sucks. Second, it will literally save your life if you stay away from everyone who even attempts to speak to you in this town. We get more useless info about the family and how sexy Gena is (she's a total slut). But back to the party. Things are getting a little nuts and Cara is trying to handle things alone because Mark is too busy exploring Gena's cavernous mouth with his tongue. The doorbell rings and Cara finds a police officer on the other side. She freaks out because she thinks something has happened to her sucky parents, but the cop just says there's been a burglary a few houses down and wonders if they've seen anything suspicious. She says no, he leaves his card and drives off. Cara informs the dirty degenerates that it's a school night and they need to go home. Everyone leaves and Cara and Mark take a look at all the crap they have to clean up. She wants to get it all clean before Ma and Pa get home, but Mark says they probably won't even show. Apparently, their parents are still young-ish and they can't seem to grow the hell up so they occsionally stay out all night partying. Like I said, SUCKY! The kids should not be sitting up all night wringing their hands in worry over whether their shitty, juvenile parents are coming home any time soon. They decide to call their parents' office, but the phone is dead. Typical. Then they hear someone walking around upstairs. It's R.L. Stine who has come to inform them they're trapped in his sticky Fear web and they're never getting out. Over his dead mole! Enough with that, though..you know I get deathly ill when speaking of The Growth. Anyway, it's not Mr. Stine at all. It's their creepy ass cousin Roger. He's very good looking, very shy, and slinks around the house like a lion stalking its prey. CHILLS! Roger lives in the attic or no apparent reason whatsoever. He goes to junior collefe and isn't the first boarder the family has taken in. "Other young guys have boarded with us in other towns we've lived in." I must admit I'm a little disturbed by that. Why is it always guys? Is Mom a cougar who sleeps with these poor souls before painting the walls with their entrails? Is THAT why they move so much? This book just got a lot more interesting. Yes, I know I'm sick. Roger has apparently been jacked up on something because he's completely unaware that a party was going on or that the defective parental units (purchased on the JCPenney layaway plan) are missing.

Roger goes back to his dungeon and Mark creams his pants as he announces it's time for Star Trek. He owns all the Star Trek novels and is fond of giving the Vulcan salute. Yeah, he's one of THOSE. The two go upstairs to check out their parents' room in case they left a note or something. The door opens and Cara freaks out because NO-ONE MADE THE BED! NOOOOO!!! THE HUMANITY! WHY HAVE WE BEEN CURSED?!? I'm not even joking. She screams because the blankets and sheets are all rumpled up and "it looks like there's been a fight." Are you kidding me with this? It's just wrinkled bedclothes, not a murder scene! Then they spot something that is genuinely disturbing--someone is hiding behind the curtains, their shoes peeking out. It's...Roger? He says he came in to see if their parents left a note and then went to look out the window because he heard an odd noise. He claims he didn't hear them come in because the curtains are heavy and block out sound. Are the damn things made of metal? Your excuse pains me with its lies, Roger! He's holding a black box which he claims is his Walkman before shoving it into his pocket and heading for the attic. A few moments later, Cara finds a damn MONKEY SKULL wrapped in the sheets. It's not an actual skull, though--it's carved of ivory with yellow rhinestones for eyes. Eyes that "radiate evil" according to Mark. No comment.

Mark wakes up around 2 am and hears a weird noise. He goes over to the window and sees Roger running down the street. He's HOWLING like a dog. Yeah, let that one sink in. Then he runs over to a gray van where he's helped inside by two others. Ok then. Mark waits by the window for a few seconds before deciding to sneak up to the attic to search for anything that would explain why Roger is suddeny acting like a deranged wolf boy. Just as Mark sets foot on the stairs, Roger comes up behind him. "Hey, Mark, what are you doing up?" Oh shit. Mark comes up with some lame excuse and hurries back to his room.

The next morning, Cara and Mark find that their parents are still MIA. So they go to the kitchen for a healthy breakfast of cornflakes and Coke because SOMEONE forgot to buy any milk. Yuck. "Actually, it didn;t taste that bad." Shut up, Mark. You're an orphan. What do YOU know? Anyway, Mark tells Cara about Roger and the van. He now thinks it isn't a big deal; after all, Roger is entitled to a private life. But Cara thinks it's too big of a coincidence that as soon as their parents go missing, Roger starts acting like a maniac. Maybe Roger has never been without adult supervision and went wild, running through the streets and jumping into a van to toke with the local potheads. *sigh* We all know it's something more NEFARIOUS. Unfortunately. They decide to go upstairs and ask Roger why he's been acting so weird. He's already left for classes, though, so they take the opportunity to dig through his personal belongings (which are no longer so personal). The only "strange" thing they find is an unused notebook and brand new textbooks. Cara considers this weird because if Roger really is a student, shouldn't he actually be using these things? No you're just grasping at straws, my dear. Then Cara paws through Roger's underwear like a dog searching for a bone and finds a pistol. NOOOO! "Maybe he likes to shoot at cockroaches." Yeah, yeah, that must be it. *sigh*

Cara decides to jog down the street to their neighbor Mrs. Fisher's house to use the phone. She attempts to call her parents first, but no-one at the office answers. She comes to the conclusion that she and Mark will have to go to Cranford Industries and search for their brainless parents, school be damned. Before leaving, she calls the phone company about fixing their phone and a nice lady says they'll be right on it. Cara walks home and is shocked to see her parents' car is in the garage. Mark comes out and Cara informs him that they gotta get to their parents' office. Mark, however, is more concerned about a math test and seeing his slutty pet Gena. Cara convinces him that their parents are more important and goes to get the extra set of keys to the car. As they're driving, Mark spots a van that looks just like the one Roger hopped into the night he was running through the streets howling like the filthy mutt he is. They pull up to the van and ask the albino driver if he's waiting for Roger, but the guy denies knowing anyone named Roger. *cough*LIAR*cough*

They finally make their way to the office where a smug guard hassles them a little at the gate before finally letting them through. They go inside the building, crap themselves when they think they see their parents, realize they were mistaken, and are informed by the secretary that their parents, Lucy and Greg Burroughs, aren't even in the computer. She calls the CEO (Mark is confused and doesn't even know what that is. His brain is a damn sieve--he probably knows every time a cast member of Star Trek has a bowel movement, but he doesn't know what a CEo is?) The man comes down and when Cara explains that her parents install computers here, he says they aren't having new computers installed. At this point, I would be like "Fuck it" and go home to my Doritos, fuzzy wuzzy kitty, and sickeningly tall stack of Fear Street books (SOB!) But noooooo, these kids just aren't gonna throw in the towel. They wander off to Shadyside Park to think about what the big CEO told them and the fact that their parents are deadbeat liars who forget to buy milk and allow creepy zombies to live in their attic on a regular basis. And don't forget the monkey skull! Anyway, they go to school to use the pay phone to call Roger. He says their parents are still God knows where and he has to go so see ya suckas! Cara heads off to eat lunch with her friends and Mark searches for Gena, but can't find her so he decides she must've stayed home. He calls her and completely loses his shit because...

"Gena broke up with me." It's now 5 pm and Cara finds Mark slumped in the kitchen, crying over his long lost GEEEENNNAAA! Cara says she still has the card of the policeman who broke up their party the night before (that feels like an eternity ago) She calls the guy and he says he'll try to hunt them down. He even offers to kick their asses for abandoning their children. Yay! As Cara hangs up, she hears someone else hanging up and realizes that Roger must have been listening in. Oh well. The guy has absolutely no life...let him have his entertainment where he can get it. Speak of the devil--Roger comes downstairs and Cara immediately accuses him of eavesdropping. He denies it of course and Mark butts in, asking him about the van. Roger simply says Mark was hallucinating. THEN they bring up the fact that he has a gun in his room. The asshole tells them that they're crazy, but five seconds later, he says his father gave him that pistol for his 18th birthday. He gives a big sob story about his father's death and afterwards, says he has to leave. As soon as he's gone, Cara says she doesn't believe his bullshit for a second: "I don't believe his story about the gun. It was just too cornball for words. Also, if he just keeps it as a memento, why was the gun loaded?" Why don't they throw all his shit out on the lawn, tell him to beat it, and call the cops if he doesn't cooperate? It isn't his house, after all. He's just an attic squatter. Instead of listening to my worldly wisdom, they go downstairs to find something for supper. They end up eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and after, Cara says she's going to trail Roger. What a genius idea. Or something. Mark decides to hang behind and Gena calls. All he hears is a struggle and her crying. Ruh roh, Shaggy.

Mark, on a quest to be a hero (or a complete dumbass) takes off toward Gena's house. Unfortunately, the quickest route is through the Fear Street Woods. Mark starts thinking about a story some kid told him about some teenagers who came upon a rat monster the size of a frigging elephant creeping through the woods. Did it have a greasy mole? Large glasses for its myopic eyes? A hangdog face that is so depressing, you'd rather jump off a 70 story building than stare at it for even one moment? If you answered no to any of the above, I don't believe your story, sir. Anyway, Mark gets himself lost and falls into some kind of trap, but we don't get details because the chapter ends there.

We return to Cara following Roger through the darkened streets of Shadyside. He goes to Alma's, a diner downtown. She enters the restaurant and sees Roger talking to the albino weirdo from the van. Just as she turns to leave, Roger grabs her shoulder and accuses her of spying. Then he calmly introduces her to his "faculty advisor" Dr. Murdoch. He claims they were discussing his schedule, but Cara knows he's a lying piece of crap and leaves as quickly as possible. "Dr. Murdoch" is skeeving me out. He's just sitting therer undressing her with his eyes. Or maybe that's just my imagination. But you don't just sit there grinning like a possum at someone you just met. As Cara walks home, a car begins following her...

Meanwhile, out in the pit of hell that some call the Fear Street Woods, Mark is trying to think of a way to get out of the deep hole he has fallen into. He manages to crawl out and is promptly attacked by a huge dog. They wrestle and Mark ends up breaking its neck. NOOO! Another dead animal. Dammit, Stine, may PETA tar and feather your ass! Mark sees a monkey skull attached to the dog's collar. I wish I cared. Mark scampers off to Gena's house, decides not to ring the bell because he's afraid of the big bad wolf (i.e. Gena's father), climbs the trellis instead, and falls, effectively busting his lily white ass.

Ok, back to Cara. The freak who has been following her turns out to be Captain Farraday, the cop she called about her currently non-existant parents. He says he needs a photo of Mom and Dad and he'll give Cara a lift home so he can pick it up. On the way, she tells him about the monkey head and Roger's "Dr. Murdoch". Farraday doesn't really respond to either tidbit. They arrive and Cara fetches the picture. Once the cop leaves, she calls to Mark and realizes she's alone. OoOoOoOo. Someone pulls into the driveway, but OF COURSE the chapter ends there and we're pulled back to Mark's super happy fun time.

When we left Mark, he had just fallen from the trellis outside Gena's window because he's too much of a coward to knock on the front door. Even though he's bleeding everywhere, the idiot didn't learn his lesson because he's climbing the thing again. Just throw some rocks at her window or something! He miraculously makes it through the window, but Gena isn't there. He helps himself to one of her socks to staunch the blood and finds a white monkey head on her floor identical to the one he found in his parents' dirty sheets. Suddenly he hears footsteps. He stuffs the head in his pocket and searches for a place to hide. As we all know, Mark is too quick or bright and before he knows it, he's staring at Gena's scary daddy who happens to be holding a pistol. Unfortunately for us, there is no action. Dad apologizes for thinking Mark was a burglar and nearly blowing his head off and they chat about Gena. This guy doesn't seem at all phased by the fact that he just found a bloody, dirty boy sneaking around inhis daughter's room. Maybe because this happens a lot? I told you Gena was a slut. Anyway, turns out Gena was so upset about Mark, she went to stay with her cousin upstate. Upset about WHAT? Everyone keeps saying that, but it doesn't make any freaking sense! Yeah, they broke up, but was their feeble relationship THAT big of a deal? Mark takes this at face value, but I think he suspects Gena's sudden disappearance and his parents vanishing are somehow related due to these stupid monkey heads.

Back at home, Cara stops freaking out over the car in the driveway. It's just her friend Lisa, a Cher look-a-like who is a TOTAL BITCH. Seriously. As soon as she hits the door, every other word out of her ugly mouth is an insult to Cara. Cara mentions her missing parents and that shuts Cher up. Then Cara changes the subject, saying they should start on their history homework. Lisa makes small talk, mentioning that Gary Brandt likes Cara. "He's a fox." He's also a dirty whore. They talk for a while longer and finally Lisa leaves. Cara feels pretty good about the visit. "I'd made a real friend." You're an idiot. Cara sits for a moment before remembering she wanted to hide Roger's gun and think of a way to kick his ass to the curb. FINALLY! But the gun is gone. SHOCK! Not.

On Thursday, Cara and Mark make it to school. On the way home, they tell each other everything that happened the night before since they weren't together. Once home, Mark wants Cara to call Farraday, but the worthless phones are out again. I'm chalking that up to the fact that Fear Street is a hell hole that's pretty much forgotten by the rest of Shadyside which is why things keep breaking down--no-one cares! The two go to the mall for sushi. Just kidding--they go for PIZZA. Of fucking course they do. Just ONCE I would like to see someone in these books eat something else besides pizza. Just once! Anyway, on the way home, Cara remembers the name of one of their parents' friends, Wally Wilburn. That sounds totally made up. They decide to call him if the phone is working which of course it isn't. So they look up his address in the phone book, see that he lives on Plum Ridge and off they go.

Wally is an actual human being and lets them in to use the phone. He looks up their parents' direct line in the Cranford Industries Directory (which means that asshole CEO lied to them) and they call, but no-one answers. They want to track down Farraday, but decide to go home first. Immediately, they spot that gray van parked about a block from their house. There are lights on in the house and they march up to Roger's room. The poor bastard has been shot in the back with an arrow. He's slumped over his desk in a pool of blood. Suddenly Farraday appears with an accusation for Mark: "This your weapon, son? Why'd you kill him?" It just gets better and better. Farraday leads them downstairs where "Dr. Murdoch" bursts in. He's holding a gun and flips out when he sees Farraday who puts three bullets in his chest. What the hell is happening? Where am I? I can't seeeeeee!!

Farraday is completely calm about the whole thing and calls for backup. When he leaves the room, Mark picks up the phone and finds it dead. So Farraday is a liar. What else is new? Farraday says he wants to ask them some questions and Mark responds by shoving him to the floor. You could have just said no, Mark. Farraday jumps to his feet, points the gun at them, and demands that they tell him where their parents are. They tell him they don't know, but he doesn't buy it. After all, he was a cop for 16 years, dammit. What kind of fool do they take him for?!? He says he killed Roger because he knew too much and now he's gonna have to kill them unless they cough up their parents' whereabouts. If you think this shizz is insane, what happens next is totally ridiculous. Gena, of all people, comes bursting in with a hunting rifle aimed at Farraday. What the hell kind of circus is this? She tells Mark and Cara to get out of the house and tells Farraday she'll kill him if she has to. And to think I thought she was nothing more than a braindead skank.

They lock Farraday in the garage and drive to Gena's house to put on some ceremonial robes. Yeah, I don't know what the fuck is going on either. They walk into the woods where they see flickering candles. Gena says the weirdos in the woods call themselves the Brotherhood. When they get closer, they see that these freaks are wearing "grinning white monkey masks." Suddenly two of the monkeys take their faces off...it's Mom and Dad! So THIS is what they abandoned their kids for? A group of psychos in monkey masks gathered around some candles in the middle of scenic nowhere? Glad to hear they have their priorities straight. *sigh* The CEO from Cranford is also there and he announces the White Monkey Brotherhood's mission; basically they wanna rule the nation. CEO man goes on to say that they must eliminate all traitors to the cause. Sadly, Mark and Cara's parents are traitors (among other things) and they're gonna kill them. Mark still has the monkey head that he picked up at Gena's and throws it at the CEO. Since he sucks at anything that doesn't involve Star Trek, he misses and the guy comes rushing over, screaming "Who threw that?" Smooth move, Captain Kirk. Their parents spring into action. Dad points a gun at CEO and screams "You're all under arrest! FBI." You have GOT to be kidding me. I mean, WHY? Why can nothing ever be simple in these damn books? *sigh*

To make this go a little faster:

--> Gena's dad is also an agent.

--> Murdoch was too.

--> Farraday was a "bent cop" who was put in jail by Mom and Dad on racketeering charges. He escaped prison and wanted revenge. Too bad.

--> Dad cries because he's sorry for lying to and neglecting his children. Tear don't cut it. Your nephew is dead and your kids are scarred for life because of you, asshole, so keep your boo-hoos to your damn self. P.S. Pardon my French.

The Burroughs family is now chilling out at home over hot chocolate. Farraday is in police custody and poor Roger has been taken away. Their parents give a big Hallmark story about how they only wanted to give them a normal childhood and blah blah blah. By Saturday, they're already packing their belongings in preperation to move again. Gena comes by to say farewell to her knight in white Vulcan ears, Mark. She gives him a small package before leaving. It's a damn white monkey head with a note that says "Can you keep a secret? I love you. Gena" No, I can't keep a secret. In fact, I just posted the whole sordid story on my blog! Nyah nyah nyah!

Conclusion? White monkeys? Fucking WHITE MONKEYS?!? The ending was so pitifully convoluted that my brain almost short circuited trying to make sense of it all. Once again, when did it become a crime to write a SIMPLE story without getting bogged down in 5674568 plot twists that only mutilate the book as a whole?

Next time: "The Babysitter" So much nostalgia for this one, baby. I loved it! But will I feel the same way this time around after being bombarded by books that make me want to end it all? We'll have to see...