The Rich Girl

Book Description:

Emma Naylor and her best friend Sydney Shue always share their secrets. And now they have a big one. They found a duffel bag stuffed with money. They swore never to tell anyone. But Sydney broke her promise. She told her boyfriend, Jason about the money. Now Emma is terrified. She doesn't trust Jason-and she thinks he would do anything to get the money for himself. Even kill...

My Description:

Emma and Sydney are gossiping while on the job at the concession stand in the Cineplex at the Division Street Mall. Cathy Harper and her on/off boyfriend Marty Griffin are on again. We'll probably never hear from these two again so who cares?

You would. Anyway, as Sydney refills the napkin dispensers, she thinks about how Emma hates her new boyfriend Jason Phillips. Naturally she invites Emma over to eat pizza with she and Jason after work. Emma declines because she's gonna talk to the manager after her shift to see if she can get MORE shifts. Why would a teenager want more work, you ask. Emma's mom hurt her knee when she was younger, it never healed properly, and now she needs an operation so Emma needs to make as much cash as possible. Does she think she'll be paying for the expensive surgery? Because she's gonna have to work a hell of a lot more than three nights a week. You may as well quit school now, Emma, and get a couple more jobs. Maybe you'll work yourself nearly to death, develop a deadly disease from the stress, and get cast as the frail heroine of a Lurlene McDaniel book. Yeah, you'll be dead within a month and won't be able to enjoy your new success, but at least your mom's rotten knee will be all better. Emma goes on to say that her mom is close to being fired (she works at Shadyside Diner) because she moves too slow. Her boss says she moves like a racehorse with a lame leg and if she doesn't get her knee fixed, he's going to put her down. I kid, I kid! (But he really does command her to do something about it.) In a bit of foreshadowing, Emma says "Plus, we don't have any insurance so we have to pay for the operation ourselves. And we can't unless I find a way to make more money!" Perhaps she'll find a giant sack of cash, hmm? Thanks for ruining the big surprise, Mr. Back Cover. We're through! You can keep the velvet paintings and the stuffed moose, but I get the house.

Um, anyway, we've now come to the part where Sydney and Emma are held up for comparison. Emma is blond (because the main character in a Fear Street novel must always ALWAYS! be blond. How dare you even consider anything else?!), short, has parents who are divorced, and lives in the Old Village (the shitty part of town). Sydney is a tall brunette whose parents have been married for 20 years and lives in a giant mansion in the North Hills (the ritzy part of town). Sydney thinks about the fact that she's working because her parents want her to learn responsibility and Emma works because she has to. "[Sydney] knew she could walk away from it without worrying about how to pay for food or clothes. Or operations." You're a good friend, Sydney. A friend who deserves to be in a box floating down the river. Sydney and Emma go into the alley behind the mall to take out the trash. Sydney's silver charm bracelet falls into the dumpster and since it's a family heirloom, she dives in after it. Unfortunately, she comes upon a smelly rat and completely loses her mind. The rat hops out, hisses at her, and runs away in disgust because it's home was invaded. Eventually Sydney finds the bracelet...and a bag filled with money. I love how nonchalant these two are. Like this happens every other day. I frigging wish. Sydney wants to take it to the police, but Emma lights up at the thought of all the things she could do with her half of the money. Sydney whines about how it's not theirs, but then she comes around because she's a poor little rich girl: "I do know what it's like to want things I can't have. My parents don't give me everything I want, you know." Oh? What about your car? "Yes. But I have to pay insurance on it. Mom and Dad don't want me to get spoiled and they keep me on a tight budget. There are plenty of things I'd like to buy with this money." Shut up, Sydney. She goes back to whining and a moment later about the police maybe finding out they have it (HOW?) so Emma compromises and says they'll keep the money for a while without spending it. If there's anything on the news about it, they'll turn it in. If not, they'll go on a spending binge. Neither one of them wants the filthy loot in their house so they decide to bury it under a willow tree in the Fear Street woods. They get there and Emma is excited, Sydney is nervous, and the raccoon that scared the hell out of them both is now scarred for life by Sydney's banshee shrieks of terror. What a warm and fuzzy moment.

When Sydney gets home, she sees her boyfriend Jason in the driveway under the hood of one of her dad's cars. He needed something to keep him occupied while he waited for Sydney and their "study" date. As soon as she gets out of the car, he goes ballistic: "You're hiding something. I can see it in your face. (She denies it) Yes, you are! What's your secret, Sydney? Another guy? Were you out seeing somebody else while I waited here like an idiot? (She denies it AGAIN) Then tell me the truth. Where were you? What were you doing?" When she doesn't answer, jason pouts and starts to walk off, but she catches him and decides to tell him about the money and where it's hidden. In the words of Michael Scott: you ignorant slut! Jason says it's too bad that Emma found it and the only way he and Sydney can split it is to kill Emma. Sydney is shocked but Jason just says he saw a movie once with that plot and he wasn't serious. "Is that what you think of me?" Uh, YES!

On Monday afternoon, Emma catches up with Sydney in the hall at school to report that there hasn't been any news about the money. Sydney isn't as enthused as Emma. In fact, she's been a total wreck all day. As the girls approach the stairs, a large group of people come up behind them. Everyone is trying to hurry down the stairs and Emma ends up getting shoved down them. Sydney tries to run down to her, but she gets shoved against the bannister by that man child Jason. He's staring at Emma with a smile on his face -- surely he just killed Emma and he can now cash in! Mwhahahaha!

Unfortunately for Jason (a.k.a. the devil's ugly stepson) Emma is alive. She didn't even break anything; she's just really sore and bruised. Sydney is at Emma's house after school. Sydney says Emma looks pretty good for someone who fell down a flight of stairs. Emma says she didn't fall, that she was pushed by Jason. She says he came up behind her , put his hands on his shoulders like he was joking (I really don't know what that means), and then he pushed her. Sydney freaks out and says that isn't true even though she was standing next to him immediately after Emma fell. He even pushed her against the rail! Quit being an idiot, Sydney. Emma asks if Sydney told Jason about the money and Sydney confesses everything. Emma says that's why he pushed her, but Sydney says Jason doesn't need money THAT badly. Emma then points out that Jason is a greedy asshole who constantly gets Sydney to buy him pricy things he can't afford himself. Sydney's parent don't "spoil" her so how can she afford to "spoil" him?

The next morning at school, Sydney confronts Jason and tells him what Emma said. Of course he denies it all and makes up some dumbass story about tripping and accidentally pushing her. Oh, and he wasn't smiling, that was just shock. Right. Jason says he'll try to make it up to Emma by fixing up her crappy car. Five bucks say he cuts the brake lines...

Later, Sydney gets a call from Emma who says her car is "actually purring like a kitten!" instead of rattling like an old garbage truck, all thanks to Jason. Emma says she still feels crappy, but a trip to the mall to window shop for all the things she's gonna buy with her money would make her feel so much better. Sydney agrees to go with her and Emma says she'll drive. A moment later, Jason calls and when Sydney says she's going to the mall with Emma, he starts acting suspiciously like someone who messed with someone else's car hoping to KILL them. Jason tells her to call Emma and cancel, but Sydney's mom just got home so she says bye and hangs up. A few minutes later, she drives to Emma's house and they leave in Emma's rat trap. As they're going down a hill, Emma steps on the brake, but it's not working. That Jason. So original. The car flies through an intersection, nearly side swiping several people on the way. Finally Sydney reaches over and pulls the emergency brake just before they crash into a minivan. Emma says Jason really is trying to kill her and once again Sydney defends him because abusive psychos are not capable of murder. HA. The girls get out of the car to take a look under the hood and immediately spot the cut brake lines. Emma repeats that Jason wants her dead and at first Sydney claims it isn't true. But she thinks about her earlier conversation with jason and how strange he was acting. She tells Emma how Jason tried to convince her not to go and Emma takes that as a sure sign he purposely cut the lines. Then she tells Sydney that after he finishes her off, he'll go after Sydney. "After he kills me, he'll decide he wants all the money for himself." And these two call themselves FRIENDS. Sydney says she'll talk to Jason (as if that will help) and they start looking for a pay phone to call a tow truck. While they wait for it to arrive, Sydney says maybe she should just turn Jason in to the police, but Emma brings up the fact that they have no evidence. True. Then Sydney says the stress over the money is just too much and they should turn it in to the cops. Emma nixes that idea because her mom is getting that damn operation no matter what and that convinces Syd to shut up. In Emma's opinion, the only way to deal with Jason is to give him a cut of the money. That way he'll be happy and no-one will have to die! Judging by the number of pages I have left (77) I predict this won't go smoothly. But really, what do they expect?

Later at Emma's house, Sydney calls Jason and tells him to comve over so they can talk. He arrives pretty quickly and Sydney immediately tells him about the brakes. He says they were fine when he tested them and sometimes they get brittle and just snap due to old age. Emma pulls Sydney aside and says she's not sure whether she believes him or not. OF COURSE Sydney automatically believed him the moment he opened his mouth. Then they offer him his share of the money: $33,000 (they figure there's roughly $100,000 in the bag. How they came to this conclusion by only looking in the bag one time and never counting ANYTHING I do not know.) Jason gets all excited and dances around the kitchen. "I'm too excited to stand still!" Do it anyway. Jason begs them to go look at it with him and they agree to...

It's already dark when they reach Fear Street Woods. Jason gets a shovel out of the trunk, perfect for burying lifeless teenage girls...or just digging up a bag o' cash. Halfway into the woods, Sydney runs back for her sweater. Suddenly she hears an ear-splitting scream and runs toward it. She finds Emma and Jason fighting over the shovel. Emma finally gets it and when Jason turns away to look at Sydney, Emma cracks him in the head with it. Jason falls face down in the mud and both girls run to him. He appears to be dead although neither of these geniuses bother checking for a pulse. Emma tells Sydney that Jason was going to take all the money and run and he tried to hit her with the shovel so he could get away. Sydney wants to call the police because they're MURDERERS! FUGITIVES! But Emma says she was the one who killed Jason so she'll take care of everything. "Taking care of it" consists of dragging him over to Fear Lake (which is apparently only a few feet away) and dumping him in like the toxic waste he is. But he refuses to sink (a middle finger from the beyond!) so Emma yells for Sydney to find something they can weigh him down with. Sydney is too nauseous to even move and says she can't help. Emma says she'll find a big rock and asks for Sydney's belt so she can tie it to Jason. "Take it. I'm sorry, Emma. Sorry I'm not helping. I feel so sick I can't think!" Emma says she'll be right back and runs off to find the rock. The moment she leaves, Sydney vomits everywhere. Finally it's over and as she's leaning against a tree trying to calm down, she hears voices. And this time they're not inside her head. Uh-oh. She panics, spots Emma coming, and asks if she heard voices. Emma heard nothing so they leave.

Sydney pulls up to Emma's house and tries to comfort Emma as she cries about what she did. Heavy (and for once I'm not being sarcastic). At home, Sydney takes a bath and goes to bed. She wakes at 3:30 AM to the sight of Jason's algae coated corpse standing at the foot of her bed. It's only a dream, but it intensifies her guilt.

The next morning as Sydney is getting dressed, she spots two muddy footprints on the carpet. Dun dun DUN! I'm getting a sinking feeling that instead of a zombie Jason we're gonna get living Jason who's in with Emma somehow which makes me SICK. Fear Street needs a zombie! Anyway, at school, Emma tells Sydney that it had to be a dream. She goes on to say that the footprints were probably Sydney's from their trip to the woods. Throughout the day, Sydney is repeatedly asked where Jason is. Instead of telling them that he is now fish food, she says he must be sick or something. To put a cherry on top of this reeking mess of a day, Sydney finds an envelope in her locker containing Jason's class ring. She nearly chokes on her own tongue and when Emma walks up a moment later, she shows her what she found. But Emma is armed with plenty of excuses, none of which seem too plausible. Emma manages to calm Sydney by saying "Come on. Let's get out of here. Today was the worst. It will get easier after this." Is she speaking from experience? Once they reach Sydney's car, they both freak out (how many times have I already used that phrase?) because the dirty, bloody shovel is in the back seat.


Emma swears she didn't put it there last night, that when she was finished cracking Jason's skull with it, she just threw it down. Then she claims that those people Sydney heard last night must have seen everything and now they're harrassing her! Let's assume these people (if there was anyone there at all. Emma is looking more suspicious by the minute) are somewhat intelligent. Why would they bother messing with this instead of going to the cops? If Sydney would just THINK for a five seconds instead of freaking out and listening to Emma's bullshit, she would realize that something ain't right here. Sydney puts the shovel in the trunk and she and Emma drive away. A few minutes later, she notices a blue car that appears to be following them. Paranoia or a true stalker? I think you know the answer to that. When Sydney and Emma get to Sydney's house, they go upstairs to her room where Sydney finds a note for her in a stack of mail. "I saw you in the woods. I know your name. It's Murderer." This is just getting pathetic. It's laughable! Sydney proceeds to FREAK for the millionth time today (a new record) and says she and Emma have to go back to Fear Lake to get her belt before someone finds it. I'm speechless. Really, she has reached new heights of stupidity. Emma agrees to the plan so they go to the lake. In a shocking twist (by shocking, I mean the total opposite) there is no body. Emma is certain they're in the exact spot where she dumped him. Back in the car, Emma says someone had to have moved him and Sydney just sits there shaking.

Sydney drops Emma off and goes home where she sneaks upstairs to prevent her parents from seeing their precious spawn covered in lake slime and guilt. After Sydney takes a shower, her mom comes upstairs to tell her that she and Dad are going out for a while. Once they leave, Sydney goes into her room where she finds a gift: her red belt and a piece of paper that says 'Murderer'. She recognizes the handwriting as Jason's, starts screaming, and calls Emma. Emma listens to Sydney's hysterical rambling and calmly says she received an identical note and she believes it's just someone from school, maybe a friend of Jason's. That doesn't make any fucking sense.

A few minutes later, Emma comes over and tells Sydney to show her the belt. They rush to her room and the belt and note are missing. Of course they are. Sydney trashes her room looking for them until Emma tells her to chill out because there's nothing there. Sydney decides to go downstairs to get a Coke...and spots Jason lurking right outside the sliding glass door. He's all moldy and gross and Sydney thinks she can smell rotting flesh. Her belt is tied around his leg for some reason I don't care to know. He creeps inside, whispers that she helped murder him, and starts choking her.

Later, Sydney is at the hospital...the mental hospital. Emma and Jason are nearby, overjoyed that their plan to drive Sydney crazy and get rid of her actually worked. Indeed it was all for the money. They both believed Sydney got more than enough from her rich parents and didn't need a cent more. To prevent her from telling anyone about it, they had to put her away. Now, if she mentions it, no-one will believe her because she's gone daffy.

Emma and Jason go on a little shopping spree. At least they attempt to. At the first store they go into, the cashier laughs when they hand him the money: "It took Emma a few seconds to see what the clerk was talking about. She was totally confused until she read the words across the top of the bill: United States of America. Then her eyes lowered to the engraved portrait of Benjamin Franklin. His eyes were crossed and he wore a backwards baseball cap over his wig. Emma grabbed the counter to keep herself from falling. Slowly she raised her gaze to the red-haired salesclerk. 'Did you bring any real money?' he asked." You idiots truly deserve it.

Conclusion? This book is filled with more holes than a slice of Swiss cheese. I've got plenty of questions: were Jason and Emma enemies in the beginning when he sliced her brake lines and shoved her down the stairs? Or was that part of their idiotic plan? Who in their right mind discovers a bag of money and doesn't even examine it to see if it's fake or not? How did they fake Jason's death? Sydney saw Emma hit him HARD so how they did they fake that? Why didn't Sydney think of calling Jason's parents? If she had, they would've TOLD HER HE WASN'T DEAD! Considering how long they had been together, I should think she would have been fairly close to his parents. Next to last question: how fucking stupid can three people be? Last question: how did this get published?

Next time: "What Holly Heard"

The Babysitter II

Book Description:

Jenny's last baby-sitting job nearly killed her-for real. But she's a survivor. She's getting over it. The crazy guy who was after her is gone. She's even got a new baby-sitting job. Then the phone rings. When she answers, she hears a familiar voice. A voice from the past...from the grave...Hi, Babes, I'm back.

My Description:

I just have to ask: why the hell does this book exist? Why are there FOUR of the Babysitter books? The killer got his head smashed open after falling off a cliff in the first book and I should think after all the shit he put Jenny through, she would never want to babysit again. Yet here we are. AGAIN. *sigh* Let's just get it over with...

We begin this useless tale of woe with Jenny recapping every event of the first book to her therapist Dr. Schindler whom Jenny finds extremely attractive. "Dr. Schindler doesn't really look like a shrink, Jenny thought, turning her gaze on him. For one thing, he is too handsome." Apparently it's a prerequisite for "shrinks" to be as ugly as homemade sin. Schindler is a curious fluke of some sort. Anyway, Jenny has been a complete wreck since Mr. Hagen (the psychopath who had been avenging his daughter's death by killing babysitters and who nearly killed Jenny by attempting to shove her over a cliff except she got out of the way just in time to watch him plunge over the cliff instead, spilling his demented brains all over the rocks.) died. She blames herself for his death and has been having nightmares in which a dirty, bloody, zombified Mr. Hagen comes back to kill her. OoOoOo! Dr. Schindler's response is to stop the session there and save her kooky dreams for next time. I hope she's not paying this guy much. Seriously, she could've gotten the same response from the wino on the corner for much less money. Before she leaves, she asks him if she should take a babysitting job she was recently offered by the Wexners for their son Eli. She actually mentioned this to Schindler at the beginning of the session, but the dumbass forgot about it which pisses Jenny off. She says it would only be a few nights a week and she really needs the money, but she's scared. Schindler tells her she has to move forward. Then he stares at the clock as if willing time to go faster so he can get the hell out of dodge. I think I hate this man.

On the way out of the office, Jenny stops by the receptionist's desk (her name is Miss Gurney. Yes, GURNEY.) to make another appointment since this one was such a success. Once outside, Jenny realizes its gotten dark. In a painfully predictable scene, she hears someone following her, starts running, and is stopped five seconds later by her "stalker" who turns out to be stupid Chuck. No introductions needed because I'm pretty sure we all remember this fool from the first book. It's now pouring rain, but Chucky Ducky wants to talk and make his stupid jokes. And just for fun: "He was wearing a faded Bart Simpson T-shirt over jean cutoffs. His white Nikes were mud stained and soaked." Sexy. The only thing that occurs more often than dead animals and dry kisses in these books are jean cutoffs. I once saw the cover of a romance novel that had a really sweaty, greasy looking dude sitting on a horse and all this guy was wearing was a pair of badly cut jean cutoffs and a red bandanna tied around his dainty neck. So everytime I see the words "jean cutoffs" all I can think of is that damned filthy Tonto. Now where the hell were we? Oh yeah, anyway, Jenny acts like a total bitch to Chuck, but he doesn't seem to get the message and keeps yapping away. Eventually Jenny walks away, Chuck follows her, and they have a little fight because Jenny has changed a lot since she was almost slaughtered and Chuck doesn't like it. Cry me a river, douchebag. Finally Jenny's bus comes and she leaves.

We now arrive at the pivotal moment: Jenny's arrival at the Wexner's home to babysit 10 year old Eli. I really don't understand why she didn't bother finding work elsewhere. She's not being forced to babysit; she acts like it's her calling or something. There are other jobs in this world! Anyway, Jenny follows Mr. Wexner around the house as he talks about Eli and such. She's relieved to see the house is cozy and nice, not at all like the Hagens' house which looked like something the Munsters would have lived in.


I actually really dig that house. I always wanted to be a part of the family...yes, I have a few problems in the brain frame. Anyway, Mr. Wexner says that Eli isn't like other 10 year olds and Jenny wonders just what he means by that. Of course he wanders off without explaining. A few moments later, Mrs. Wexner comes in and blabs about Eli being very emotional and so smart. HOW emotional? Will he cut off Jenny's ear if his Chef Boyardee isn't hot enough? Or does he just cry over Hallmark commercials? It might be a nice gesture to explain these things, you degenerates. After the parents leave, Jenny goes upstairs to see Eli. He's in his room typing at a computer that he himself built. Jenny says hi a couple of times before Eli finally decides to turn and say hello. See, Eli is a genius and thinks everyone else is below him. Bow down to the giant brain! Although it's hard to take someone who's wearing a "Turtle Power" T-shirt and tight spandex shorts very seriously. I know, I know--he's only 10. But he's got brains beyond his years so I don't feel TOO terrible about making fun of him. Plus, he doesn't exist. So there. Eli tells Jenny a little about himself: "I don't need a babysitter. I built this computer. From a kit. But I modified it. I put in a graphics card and extra memory. I really don't need a babysitter. You could go home right now and I'd be perfectly fine. I'm a mechanical genius, you see. At least that's what the testing people said. I took all these tests at this place downtown and they said I was a mechanical genius. Know what my IQ is? It's over 180. That's really high. And it'll probably go higher when I get older and know how to take tests better." 1) I find this hilarious for some reason. 2) What a little jerk! Jenny has an urge to lecture the kid about modesty, but before she can, he asks what her IQ is. She says she's never been tested to find out and Eli says "Why? Because you're too dumb?" and then laughs like a hyena. Then he shows Jenny a phone he made himself because his parents wouldn't buy him one for fear of spoiling him. *sigh* He says he doesn't have too many friends (that's surprising) because all the kids at school are stupid dweebs. Those peons are not fit to even lick his shoes! Eli says he wants to show Jenny his real friends. He takes out a shoe box and tells her to close her eyes and reach inside...

We find out what was in the box at Jenny's next session with the worthless Dr. Schindler: "It was a tarantula. Do you believe it? The kid put a tarantula in the box. He has three of them. They're his pets." Slap me sideways! He has TARANTULAS?!?! Seriously, what's the big deal? Well, Jenny IS terrified of spiders. Schindler responds to this by looking at the clock. Ass. Jenny goes on to say that Eli is a sick little creep who got way too much pleasure from her fear. He wasn't apologetic and got pissed when she scolded him, ignoring her for the rest of the night. His parents acted like it happened all the time and weren't worried about it. Schindler says "Eli sounds like an interesting kid. Maybe he'll be sitting on my couch soon." I am going to set this man on fire. Jenny stops by Miss Gurney's desk to pick up her bill. Gurney compliments Jenny's hair and then says "Dr. Gurney is a wonderful man. I-I mean Dr. Schindler. I was a patient of his, too." How comforting.

Jenny goes to the mall to meet up with her friends Claire and Rick at Pizza Oven. Because pizza is LIFE. Claire mentions that Chuck was looking for her which makes Jenny (and the rest of the free world) want to heave. Then they talk about Eli and soon Claire and Rick have to leave. Jenny decides to wander around the mall for a while. In the record store, she looks up from her browsing and sees some blond dude staring at her. Of course she freaks out and runs to the back of the store, finds herself trapped, and waits for the impending DOOM! "You dropped this." The guy hands Jenny her bill from Schindler's office. She's embarrassed for acting like a paranoid lunatic and thanks him. They striked up a conversation and Jenny learns that his name is Cal and he's new to town and will be starting at her high school in the fall. He says he would like to go out with her Friday night so he can corner her in a dark alley and cut off her limbs to repair his broken, legless mannequin. Nonono, I mean he just wants to party! Jenny says she babysits on Friday night, Cal asks about Saturday, and the page ends with Jenny NOT answering the question.

It's now Friday night and Jenny is at the Wexners. Mrs. Wexner tells Jenny that Eli is in a bad mood, but Mr. Wexner says Eli isn't some kind of monster and Mrs. W. needs to tone it down. Uh-oh. "Why do you always defend Eli? Why don't you defend me once in a while? That kid drove me crazy all day and you want to ignore it and pretend he's a perfect angel!" BURN. Finally they leave and Jenny goes up to check on Eli who is sitting in his room in the dark watching a horror movie. Some deranged loon chops up some chick with an ax and Eli laughs his ass off which disturbs Jenny. Eli tells her he had a bad day because his parents don't like his pets. Then he starts ignoring Jenny so she goes downstairs to read and think about her upcoming date with Cal. But she's interrupted by the ringing phone. "Hi, Babes. I'm back." AHHHHHH! The psycho hangs up and Jenny starts to slowly lose her mind. She hears something in the kitchen...it's Mr. Wexner. He forgot the tickets to whatever the hell it is. Jenny never mentions the phone call and Wexner leaves a moment later. Jen goes upstairs again and tells Eli it's his bedtime. He says he'd rather read for a while and picks up a Stephen King book. Jenny is shocked. Again. Because she's a spineless jellyfish who is scared of her own shadow and can't understand why anyone would watch horror movies or read anything Stephen King ever wrote. Shut up, Jenny. Eventually Eli falls asleep and the parents come home. They offer to drive Jenny home, but she refuses.

Outside, Jenny finds Chuck waiting. Does he not have a freaking life?! He starts whining about the fact that she never talks to him and she broke up with him for no reason (I can think of at least 10 reasons not to go out with this guy) and blah blah blah. She tries to walk away, but he goes berserk and throws her to the ground like a gorilla with a rag doll. He tells her she'll be sorry and walks off like nothing happened. Jenny makes her way home...where she receives a phone call. *sigh* HATE. But it's just Eli calling on his homemade telephone to see if it actually works. Jenny quickly ends the "conversation" (which consists of nothing but Eli giggling and saying "It's so awesome!" repeatedly) but a few moments later it rings again because Stine is nothing if not creative. It's Eli AGAIN: "Good night, Jenny." Giggle giggle giggle.

It's now Saturday night and Jenny and Cal are at some party (a.k.a. teenage orgy). Party outfits: Cal is wearing a Hawaiian shirt with black jeans and Jenny is rocking her green T-shirt over an orange sleeveless shirt and white shorts. Cal...no. Just no. Jenny isn't too impressed with the "party" which consists of nothing but horny teenagers making out and some dumb cave men trying to figure out how to get beer out of the keg in the kitchen. Really, Cal? THIS is the best you could do? Even Cal recognizes it sucks and he and Jenny leave a moment later. They get into Cal's abused Dodge Dart, he says he's embarrassed about the sucky party and he really wants to show Jenny a good time. She responds by telling him to pull over and they start making out. When they come up for air, Jenny suggests they go roller skating. Cal agrees even though he's never been. "I've had a tough life." Dude.

At the rink, Cal proves that he's a big fat liar whose pants are on fire--he can skate really well. What else is he lying about? Hmm? HMM? I'm watching you, Cal...or something. Finally Cal drives Jenny home. As they're kissing on the porch, Jenny hears rustling in the bushes. Suddenly someone steps out from behind them and runs off. Jenny and Cal couldn't see the person's face (it had to be that pathetic loser whom we all call Chuck) but they both assume it was a burglar and brush it off. During all that kissing they obviously sucked each other's brain cells out. Jenny goes upstairs to her room, reads for a while, and finally gets ready for bed. As she's drifting off, the phone rings. What else is new? Jenny assumes it's Eli... "It isn't Eli, Jenny. I'm back. Are you all alone, Babes? Company's coming." So. Annoying. Later, Jenny dreams that she's waiting for Cal in a dark deserted parking lot, but Mr. Hagen's ravaged corpse shows up instead. "A black bug crawled over his swollen tongue. He repeatedly licked his dry lips, but his tongue was dry and caked with dirt." Kiss me, lover.

At her next session with Dr. Schindler, Jenny tells him about the dream. He just sits there like a drooling fool, fiddling with his stupid CLOCK. Why is she still seeing this turd? The good "doctor" asks more about Cal and if Jenny suspects him of making the phone calls. She says no because there's no way Cal would know exactly what to say. The caller always repeats all the creepy shizz Mr. Hagen said. Jenny gets ticked off when Schindler suggests her imagination is playing tricks on her. Instead of listening to her argument, he simply says time is up. This jackhole needs a swift kick in the teeth. He prescribes her some sleeping pills and sends her on her way. As she's walking home, she finds a dead tarantula in her bag. Things are really looking up. Put on a happy face!

When Jenny gets home, she calls the Wexners to tell them about what she assumes is an evil trick on Eli's part, but no-one answers. She remembers she promised to meet Claire and Rick for some tennis so she grabs her racket and leaves. Outside, she runs into Cal and invites him along because he looks so sexy in his denim shirt and JEAN CUTOFFS. Jean cutoffs are the devil and only Nazis wear them. Spread the word. Anyway, Cal claims he's not good at tennis, but once again he's lying through his teeth because he rocks at tennis. Rick and Cal get into the game intensely. Eventually they tire themselves out and quit. Claire whispers to jenny that Rick has a major crush on her and was only showing off for her benefit. Jenny glances over and she and Rick share a Meaningful Glance.

At the Wexners, Jenny tells the Mrs. about the dead tarantula. She's shocked to hear it and calls Eli down. He says he would never kill one of his pets. Then he bursts into tears and runs to his room. Jenny keeps apologizing, but Mrs. Wexner tells her to leave him alone and when/if he comes out, be extra nice. After a while, Jenny goes upstairs and attempts to talk to Eli, but he completely freaks out: "Go away! Go away! Go away! I don't want to see you! I DON'T!" Then something heavy falls to the floor and there's silence. Jenny goes into the room and sees that he's trashed the place. She sees him lying in the middle of the floor with a puddle of blood beneath his head. Of course he isn't dead. No, that would be too good to be true. It's just a shitty joke. Stupid plastic blood. Jenny is pissed, Eli is happy, and they go downstairs to eat.

At 4:30 PM, the phone rings, but Eli tells her not to answer it because they're playing Monopoly and how dare someone interrupt him when he's about to buy Boardwalk?! Jenny answers anyway...unfortunately it's Chuck. Barf. Jenny screams at him to never call her again and slams down the phone. I really don't care about this whole Chuck thing. He's just a tired, played out red herring. And not even a good one. Later that evening, Jenny can't stop thinking about the weirdo and his creepy words. When she hears a knock at the door she nearly wets her pants, but it's just Rick and Claire. Eli comes downstairs and isn't happy to find them there, but quickly warms up to Claire for some reason who goes with him to check out the room of a "mechanical genius." Rick attempts to kiss Jenny while they're alone and gets all pissy when she says she's not into it. Does he really think his dry, crusty lips are going to do anything for her? A moment later, Jenny hears Eli shout "No, you can't! I said no!" and a loud thumping sound. Dear sweet Eli shoved Claire down the stairs and looks pretty pleased with himself.

Another visit with Dr. Schindler. No comment. Jenny talks about the incident (Claire is suprisingly unbroken) and Schindler is his usual useless and ineffective self. Later, at the Wexners, Mr. Wexner tells Jenny that Eli is really upset about what happened to Claire, but he gives no explanation for why Eli pushed her in the first place. Eli comes running in to give Jenny a kiss before running back upstairs. The kid deserves an Oscar. The parents leave a few minutes later and Jenny goes upstairs to see if Eli wants to play a game, but he's busy with his computer. Not long after, the weirdo calls with his usual message: "Hi, Babes. Are you all alone? Company's coming, Babes. Company's coming." WHEN? Riddle me that one, sir. Jenny slams the phone down and heads for Eli's room. She stands outside his door, horrified: "It was him! The whisperer. He was there-in Eli's room!" She bursts inside and finds only Eli talking on the homemade phone. He says he's calling people and saying "funny things". She asks if he called her a moment ago, but he's only been calling kids from school. Then he asks a strange question: "Jenny, tell me about your other babysitting job." The plot thickens! Sort of. Ok, not really.

That night, Jenny goes to the mall to wait for Cal to get off work (he has a job at Mulligan's, the ice cream shop). She waits in the parking lot and suddenly realizes that this is a LOT like the freaky dream she had a few nights ago. All this scene is missing is that hobgoblin Mr. Hagen. Suddenly Jenny hears footsteps and starts to run. Who's coming? A drooling moron from hell! Also known as Dr. Schindler. What the hell is he doing out here? Don't tell me he's the psycho. Grrr. Jenny says she's waiting for a friend and Cal shows up at that precise moment so they leave. I guess Schindler was just wandering aimlessly around. Nut. Cal and Jenny go to Wendy's. GASP! NO PIZZA?! They've angered the pepperoni gods. A Frosty won't protect you now, kids. Jenny talks about the phone calls and such and suddenly a lightbulb goes off in her tiny head: "It came to Jenny in a flash. She stopped in midsentence, her mouth dropped open, her dark eyes growing wide. She had solved the mystery." She wishes. She says she assumes it's Dr. Schindler because he's the only one who knows all the things Mr. Hagen said. Cal tries to convince her that Schindler couldn't possibly have a motive, but Jenny doesn't care and says she's going to set a trap for him to prove he's the creep. Is it over yet?

The next morning, Jenny goes to Schindler's office. She tells him that she thinks the best way to end her nightmares and incessant fears is to go back to the rock quarry where Mr. Hagen died. Tonight. Schindler simply wishes her luck because he's an inattentive fool.

That evening, Jenny's "shift" with Eli has just ended and she goes home to eat dinner with her mom. Afterward, Cal picks her up and they head for the quarry. Once there, they hide behind a rock and spot a car pulling up. Here it comes...the BIG reveal. Sadly, this is the most disappointing shit ever--it's Miss Gurney. Yes, the hoarse voiced, dowdy receptionist who is in love with Dr. Schindler and completely jealous of Jenny. As if Jenny (or anyone with half a brain) would want that steaming pile of dog doo. Seriously, is this REALLY how this is going to end? Anyway, Miss Gurney starts screaming about how Jenny gets all Dr. Schindler's attention (does he not have other patients?) and blah blah. She dives for Jenny in a feeble attempt to push her over the quarry (feeling any deja vu?) but Cal jumps in her way and he gets shoved instead. Lucky for him the quarry is filled with water so Cal is okay and crawls out. Jenny and Gurney wrestle, plunge into the water, and suddenly, out of the wild blue yonder, the police and Dr. Schindler show up. Cal helps Jenny out of water and Schindler tells her that Gurney has had violent episodes in the past so he predicted that's what she was up to tonight. Asshole. The police drag Gurney away and the books ends with Cal and Jenny kissing.

Conclusion? This book is piss. There's no reason for it to even exist! It's nothing but a shittier version of "The Babysitter". And if you're going to make your psycho a jealous woman, at least make the object of her insane, misdirected affection somewhat LIKEABLE. Not cool, Stine. Not. Cool.

Next time: "The Rich Girl" Money kills.

Seniors #7 - Fight, Team, Fight!

*NOTE* I'm back. *END NOTE*

Book Description:

Phoebe Yamura loves being a cheerleader. And her senior year at Shadyside High couldn't be more perfect! First she's voted captain of the squad. And now she's seeing Ty Sullivan. But if Phoebe is so perfect, why does somebody want her dead?

My Description:

Prologue

An angry random soul really hates Phoebe as evidenced by the very first line of the book: "I hate her." He/she hates Phoebe's perky attitude, her hair, her body, and the fact that she's a cheerleader. This person probably spends all their time cursing Phoebe's parents and pissing on the graves of her ancestors.

On to chapter one. Phoebe is under the bleachers meeting her huggle bunny Ty Sullivan. If you guys remember, I really HATE Ty. I can't even fully remember why, but he's on my shit list, baby. Anyway, Phoebe has to sneak around with Ty because even though she's a senior in high school, her parents won't let her date. Ty says she needs to convince them of how great he is (you ass!), but Phoebe says they wouldn't be interested. HA. Then she says someone is watching them and it's freaking her out. And this time it's not even the pot talking. Ty responds by kissing her because a dry, crusty, mealy mouthed kiss is sure to protect her from whatever is killing off Shadyside seniors. Ew. Finally they break apart, Ty heading back to football practice and Phoebe joining the cheerleaders.

The girls are indeed cheery, discussing the various deaths that have occurred over the recent months. Finally they start practice and I refuse to mention the stupid cheer. No, no, a million times NO! *sob* Unfortunately, the dumb cheer kills one of the girls. Actually, Jade and Dana failed to catch the girl (Samantha) and she crashes to the ground. Her body is so twisted the girls think she's dead, but she gets up without even a broken bone. Because bones are made of titanium. *sigh* The cheer coach, Ms. Bell, comes over to make sure Samantha is ok and once she realizes she is, she berates Jade for her low chemistry grade and says if she can't bring it up, she'll be on probation. Why is this more important than, uh, actually focusing on practice and making sure no one gets their skull cracked? You suck, Bell. Dare I say that I miss Ms. Green? Eventually Ms. Bell shuts her yap and the girls do stretching exercises. Phoebe is sitting next to Jade and offers to help her with chemistry, but Jade just acts all bitchy and Dana joins in, saying Phoebe is the one who needs help...at being a better cheer captain. "You're FAILING!" How clever, Dana. You have the mental capacity of a dead goldfish. Congratulations.

After practice, Phoebe is in the locker room when she's approached by a new girl named Gina Quinlan who wants to try out for the squad. Phoebe says no way because tryouts were months ago, but Gina begs and pleads and shows off her moves until Phoebe agrees to ask Ms. Bell about it. Gina leaves and a moment later, Phoebe overhears Jade and Dana complaining about her. "Queen Phoebe thinks she knows everything. Ordering us around. Who does she think she is?" Dana knows: "Head cheerleader." Mensa, meet your new president. Phoebe doesn't understand why Jade hates her so much and decides to confront her. It's all pretty lackluster. Phoebe says "I heard what you said." and Jade says "So what?" Snore. Things go from cool to lukewarm when Phoebe opens her locker and finds her uniform shredded. There's also a note: "Give me an H-E-L-P" Phoebe is horrified, but does anyone find that as funny as I do? Phoebe automatically assumes it was Jade, but Jade just snaps "Prove it" and walks off. And since Phoebe can't prove anything, she sulks off to Ms. Bell's office to discuss Gina Quinlan. The team needs an alternate blah blah blah Gina gets a tryout. Hoo rah.

The next morning, Phoebe takes a chemistry test and simultaneously congratulates herself on SURELY getting an A while snickering at watching Jade struggle through it. Fast forward a few hours later to Gina's tryout. Phoebe and Ms. Bell watch as Gina does her routine which is predictably awesome. Ms. Bell tells Gina to wait in her office while she and Phoebe talk. Phoebe brings up Jade and the chem test and Ms. Bell informs her that Jade actually did really well. Ooo.

The next morning, the chemistry tests are handed back and Phoebe sees that she got a C minus . She also notices that the paper is all smudgy and the writing isn't even her's. She hears Jade squealing with joy over the fact that she got an A and Phoebe realizes what happened. After class, Phoebe confronts Jade, accusing her of switching the tests. Jade confesses because she's a bitch with nothing to lose. Phoebe turns back to talk to the chem teacher, but Samantha, Dana, and another girl from the squad named Joey stop her. They beg her not to say anything about what Jade did because the squad desperately needs her. OF COURSE Phoebe caves.

At lunch, Phoebe tells someone that she gets to retake the test and Jade's ass is saved for another day. Phoebe is still pissed because all the other girls took Jade's side. Shut up, Phoebe. It's your own damn fault! Samantha leaves a moment later and Dana decides to come over and rain on Phoebe's already sodden parade by dumping a rubber spider down the back of her shirt. Phoebe screams bloody murder, everyone laughs, and I'm left wondering why this is still funny if you're over the age of 12. Phoebe turns on Jade, but all Jade has to say is "Remember, Phoebe, I know how to get you. I know exactly how to get you." That's nice...

At cheer practice, Phoebe notices that Gina is acting less than enthusiastic, but she ignores it because all she can think about is the fact that everyone in the free world likes her except Jade and Dana. *sigh* Lady, get over it! I've got over 100 pages left and I'll be damned if I'm gonna spend them listening to you whine over and over again! Anyway, practice goes perfectly...so perfectly that Ms. Bell films it for private viewing on those cold lonely nights. Ew. After practice, Phoebe heads for the locker room where she's cornered by Gina who's just a wee bit angry: "How long am I supposed to put up with this? You said you would help me. You said I could be on the squad." Phoebe tries to speak, but Gina interrupts: "Look, you and I both know that I'm better than most of the other cheerleaders. Including you. You're no help at all." Gina storms off to cry and suck her thumb in the shower while Phoebe just stands there wondering what the hell just happened. A few minutes later, Gina opens her locker and a locket falls out, pops open, and lands near Phoebe. She says the picture of Gina inside is nice, but Gina quickly corrects her: "It's not me. It's my twin sister." There are two of you? That sounds awful. "She's dead." Oh, well, that's a relief. Phoebe goes over to her own locker and...something happens. "Fear closed around her as she stared inside. She fell back in horror. The sour odor made her gag. And the color... The color swirled before her eyes. Bright. Bold. Sickening. The ruby-red shade of blood." There's a doll dressed in a bloody cheerleading uniform hanging inside. There's also a note: "Score: Me 2. You 0." You've been served, Phoebe. AGAIN. Ms. Bell comes in and decides to get the vice principal. Phoebe sits in Bell's office and thinks about how sick Dana and Jade are to do something like this. Then she becomes all determined and shit that they will NOT get rid of her. She loves to cheer TOO MUCH! Great.

Football game. Shitty cheers. Phoebe keeping a close eye on Jade. Me keeping a closer eye on The Office. Phoebe goes to get her pom poms and as she's cheering, she feels a stinging pain in her hands. The pain intensifies until Phoebe completely freaks out, throwing her pom poms to the ground and screaming for help. "Her hands were covered with ants. Hundreds of swarming, shiny red ants. They traveled up her arms, moving as one. A colony of hungry insects." Even the insects in Shadyside are murderers. The other girls douse Phoebe with cold water which gets rid of the ants, but her hands are covered in bites. The team doctor coats them in some kind of cream and tells her she'll be ok. Thanks, doc. Gina, who just happens to be in charge of equipment (uh-oh), comes running up. Everyone is suspicious of her, but she denies she poured ants on the pom poms. Phoebe knows (she just KNOWS, dammit!) that Jade is behind it.

After the game (once again, Shadyside loses) Ty and Phoebe head to Pete's Pizza where everyone and their mother has gathered. Seriously, the place is like a sardine can. ALWAYS. It's just pizza. Unless it's covered in gold flecks or something, I don't get it. Anyway, they manage to find a table and Ty goes to order the food. Samantha comes over and says she and Phoebe should go talk to Dana and Jade and sort everything out. As they're walking over to the evil harpies, Samantha sees her ex-boyfriend, freaks out, and bails which leaves Phoebe to deal with Jade and Dana alone. It goes as predicted: Phoebe tells them to stop, they deny they did anything, Jade acts like an evil bitch, and Phoebe walks away nearly in tears. She finds Ty and begs him to take her home which is right on his way since they both live on Fear Street. Even though it's pitch black and Fear Street is a creepy, dangerous place, Ty drops her off blocks away so her parents won't see him. He could at least walk wih her. He could hide in the damn bushes or something, but no. Phoebe goes alone...and someone pops out and grabs her. It's Gina who looks like she's been toking the crack pipe. She just wants Phoebe to know that she had nothing to do with the ants (which probably means she had EVERYTHING to do with the ants). Once Phoebe says she doesn't blame her, Gina runs off into the darkness like a psycho. Later that night as Phoebe is trying to sleep, she gets a phone call. It's a bunch of girls cheering and then they hang up. How terrifying. Outside, Phoebe hears a car squeal away and thinks Dana and Jade must be stalking her. *sigh*

At cheer practice on Monday, Phoebe complains to Samantha about Jade yet again. When it's time to do the pyramid, Phoebe loses her grip and Dana falls which prompts her to tell Phoebe that she's the shittiest cheer captain who ever lived and she should quit now so the team won't lose the upcoming state competition. When Dana flips her ponytail in Phoebe's face, Phoebe completely loses it. She screams "Leave...me...alone!" and rips Dana's ponytail out of her head, blood gushing everywhere. Sadly, that was just a dream. No comment. Phoebe is doing nothing but staring at Dana so Dana has some words to snap her out of it: "Why are you staring at me like that? Are you a moron? Letting me fall, then gloating? This practice is over!" Dumbass. After Samantha politely suggests that maybe it WOULD be best for Phoebe to take a break from cheering for a while, Phoebe runs to the locker room in tears. Finally, when Ty's football practice is over, they leave, but instead of driving her home, he decides they'll go to the cemetery. Because when you're depressed there's no better place to be than knee deep in dead people. It's already dark and they get out of the car because Ty apparently wants to make out while leaning against a headstone. Phoebe keeps telling him she just wants to talk, but Ty keeps kissing her. Suddenly something flies out of the bushes right at them. It's not a rabid werewolf, it's just Kenny Klein. Unfortunately, Jade is with him and immediately starts harrassing Phoebe who gets her backpack out of Ty's car and starts walking home. And since Ty is a total tool, he just stays with Kenny and Jade. I really hate you, Ty. When Phoebe gets home, Ty finally jogs up and says he's sorry, but Phoebe's awesome mom basically tells him to get lost and shuts the door in his face. When Phoebe gets to her room, she sees muddy footprints on her floor and notices that a framed picture of the cheer squad is missing. She knows someone was here yet she says nothing to her mother because she thinks it's just another stupid prank from Jade and Dana. It's not Jade and Dana! That's too freaking obvious...it's probably Gina. She seems like she has a few screws loose.

Another football game, this time against Waynesbridge. Of course Phoebe's mind is a million miles away. Eventually everything starts going really well and Phoebe gets into it so you know something baaaaaad is going to happen. And when the flaming batons come out, Phoebe does indeed get scorched like a shrimp on the barbeque. Flames travel up her arm until she passes out. When Phoebe wakes up, she's in the hospital. Samantha is there and tells her that her hand was mildly burned, but overall she's ok. All Phoebe wants to know is how it happened. Samantha makes the mistake of saying that the rumor is that someone rigged the baton to burn which just gets Phoebe started again on Jade and Dana. YAWN. Jade and Dana are actually right outside the door and Phoebe tells Samantha to get them. When they enter, they actually seem *GASP* concerned. Phoebe's paranoid ass just accuses them of doing this to her which they deny because it's in the script. Jade and Dana tell her that GINA is responsible for equipment so if the finger should be pointed at anyone, it should be her.

The next morning at school, Phoebe gets a hero's welcome for nearly getting cremated. Gina runs up to make sure Phoebe doesn't blame her for the baton even though she's starting to look pretty damn suspicious and the fact that she's so adamant that Phoebe not blame her just makes her look even more guilty. Phoebe says everything is cool just to get rid of her. And the cycle continues.

That afternoon, Phoebe and Samantha hide out in Ms. Bell's office to call Oswego High, Gina's last school, to ask about Gina's cheer record. Turns out Gina was never a cheerleader there. The plot thickens! I wish. Ms. Bell walks in a moment later and the girls tell her the news. Ms. Bell isn't too impressed because the morons called the wrong school: "Gina attended Lake Oswego High-in Oregon. You had the wrong state." Oops. Ms. Bell mentions that there's been a lot of backstabbing going on lately and she wants to talk to everyone out on the bleachers. She makes her little speech and says maybe they won't go to the upcoming competition since everyone can't seem to find the time to stop acting like petulant children. After some arguing from the girls, Ms. Bell ends the talk by saying if there's one more incident, there will be no competition. HORRIFYING!

It's now Friday and the cheerleaders are off to the competition because they managed to restrain themselves and act like human beings for a week (it won't last. Once that competition is over, the carnage will begin. I hope.) Before the girls board the bus, Gina lets Phoebe know how pissed and betrayed she feels that she and Samantha checked up on her...or tried to. Then Ms. Bell tells everyone that Samantha has the flu so Gina will be taking her place. I'm sure this will turn out well. (Choking on the sarcasm?) Even better, Phoebe and Gina will be roomates at the motel they're staying in.

Once they arrive at the (Bates) motel, Gina asks Phoebe if they can be friends, but Phoebe says she just doesn't trust her. BURN. Probably literally...expect a burning bed, Phoebe. This chick is cuckoo. Eventually Phoebe changes her mind, though, because Gina seems so sincere and Phoebe has no spine. The girls changes into their uniforms and a moment later they hear a knock on the door. Since Gina is busy twirling like a sugarplum fairy ("I love the Shadyside colors!") Phoebe answers the door. It's Jade who is an hysterical mess: "It's Dana! I need your help. She's hurt really bad!" Jade explains that Dana fell into the empty (as in drained of water) pool. Phoebe and Gina follow her outside which is stupid because if Dana were truly hurt, why the hell would Jade run for those two instead of Ms. Bell? Once outside, Phoebe sees no sign of Dana. As she's looking around, someone comes up behind her, shoves a cloth into her mouth, and drags her away screaming. And it only took 100 pages!

Phoebe is shoved into a big dirty van and sees two men shoving Jade and Gina in after her. Huh. Dana is also passed out inside. Eventually she wakes up and wants to know what's going on, but no-one says anything. After a while, the van stops and some weirdo opens the door and says "Hello, girls. Welcome to Camp Kidnap." Idiot. The girls get out of the van and look around. They're in front of a log cabin which appears to be in the middle of scenic nowhere. The dude who welcomes them to "Camp Kidnap" (his name is Mitch and his head is shaved and he has his ear pierced so you know he's a real tough badass) throws handcuffs on them and shows them a switchblade just in case they misbehave. When Mitch is distracted, the girls take off running toward the road and miraculously are saved by Griffin, the dude who drives the cheer van to take them to games and such and has been completely insignificant up until now. She realizes he's the one that has been harrassing her when he starts singing the stupid cheer that Phoebe heard over the phone a few days ago: "Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get you! Oh, yeah, I'm gonna catch you!" Didn't see that one coming. As Griffin drives, Dana and Jade confess that they hired Mitch and the whole kidnapping thing was just a joke. HA HA HA! Not.

Eventually Griffin tells them to shut their yaps so he can explain his convoluted motive. He has a vendetta against the cheerleaders of Shadyside because his sister Laura was once one of them. But all the other cheerleaders made life a living hell for Laura. It all ended when Laura died after jumping from the top of a pyramid (or something) and no-one caught her. She broke her neck and Griffin vowed revenge from that moment on. He stops the van and the girls see that they're at a loading dock which is totally deserted so no-one will hear them scream. Good thinking, Griff. He takes them to an empty "meat factory" and ties them to some chairs. He then picks up "an electric saw with a mammoth blade" and approaches Phoebe. "This will only take a minute!" Phoebe closes her eyes and prepares to lose a hand or two, but Griffin just cuts off everyone's handcuffs which really sucks. When is someone gonna get CUT?! When someone gonna bite the dust? Throw me a frigging bone, Griffin. After all, you're supposed to be a deranged lunatic driven crazy by his sister's untimely death at the hands of irresponsible cheerleaders who were probably thinking of dry kisses and Gary Brandt's back seat instead of focusing on your sister and you're supposed to be burning with the feverish desire for revenge and you're not even really acting on it! Stop messing around and show me some blood!!! Ok, I'm calm now...mostly. Anyway, Griffin just continues with the yakkity yak yak instead of doing anything productive. He tells Phoebe he's basically been stalking her, knows everything about her, and wants to kill her because she has the life his sister should have had. Yeah right. A shitty boyfriend, shitty friends, overprotective parents, and a psychotic stalker? I think you would want better for your sister, dude. Griffin continues to prove he sucks by untying all the girls so they can perform a cheer for him. Dude. I'm beginning to think the Laura story was a lie and Griffin is just some fetishistic pervert. He tells them if they screw up, someone dies. Liar. Jade is completely hysterical and wants to bail, but Griffin says it's time to perform. Why don't these idiots just RUN? He doesn't even have a weapon! Anyway, Gina interrupts and starts talking about her twin sister Angie who also died. She distracts Griffin momentarily, but it doesn't last and two seconds later, he's screaming and waving around a rusty meat hook. The poster boy for sanity tells the girls it's show time and they start cheering. Phoebe does a cartwheel, stops near Griffin, and beats him over the head with a flashlight that was lying on his lap. Cha-ching! The girls run, but they don't make it out. Gina ends up on a conveyor belt heading for a meat grinder, but of course Phoebe rescues her before she's grinded into hamburger. Then they go searching for Jade and Dana. They find Dana and dumbass Griffin, but no Jade. Griffin takes Phoebe, Dana, and Gina back into the warehouse to tie them up AGAIN. Everyone just assumes Griffin killed Jade.

A little while later, Griffin says "Time for another cheer!" *sigh* Seriously? WHY? Phoebe says they already did what he wanted, but Griffin isn't satisfied: "But the last one wasn't perfect. That means you still owe me a cheer. Otherwise I'll have to kill you. What'll it be?" Actually, why don't you just go ahead and kill me? This book has made me sick of life. They cheer, Gina collapses with a twisted ankle, and Phoebe makes a run for it. She finds herself inside a meat locker where she discovers something rather nasty: "The dim light cast shadows over Jade's stony face. Hanging from a meat hook, her body swung like a pendulum. Very cold. Very dead." How descriptive. Thank you for telling us she's "very dead", Stine. We never could have figured that out alone. I hope you can see my eyes rolling because I'm doing it as hard as I can.

When Phoebe gets back to the girls, she finds Dana tied to a table, Griffin sharpening a knife nearby, and Gina lying uselessly on the floor. As Phoebe distracts Griffin, Gina manages to get to her feet, tackle Griffin, and claw at his face like a feral liger. He throws her off, she cuts her head on the concrete floor, and a moment later, a fire truck comes barreling up because Phoebe lit a match a little earlier and waved in front of the silent fire alarm in a throwaway scene that I thought would amount to nothing. So I guess these fuckers are finally safe. Totally anticlimactic.

A few weeks later, things are back to normal because this stuff happens all the time. The books ends with a cheer (and my comments):

We can't be beat (You can)
Won't meet defeat (You will)
'Cause when it's time (It's not)
to face the heat...(You can't)
We know just what's the thing to do (You don't)
Teamwork! Teamwork! (Out! Out!)
Gets us through! (Get out of my life!)

Conclusion? Uh, this book sucks.

Next time: "The Babysitter II" Apparently Jenny didn't get enough the first time...

Halloween Night

Book Description:

Brenda hates her cousin Halley. And Brenda isn't the only one. Because Halley keeps stealing other people's boyfriends. So Brenda and her friends decide to plan the perfect murder. Something to go along with Brenda's perfect Halloween party. Not that they're really going to kill anybody. It's just a joke. Right? Ha. Ha.

My Description:

To whoever wrote the description above--you could at least PRETEND to be interested! Anyway, Brenda and her friends Traci and Dina are sitting in Brenda's room doing absolutely nothing of interest. Brenda tries on an ugly Halloween mask and jokes that it looks like cousin Halley, lest we forget that she hates Halley. Dina (who is wearing a black catsuit. Meow.) says that she should give Halley a break. Traci replies that Brenda is just upset because Halley took her room and Brenda had to move into this room which is really more like a closet. "You don't even have room for your Luke Perry poster in here."




Yeah, that's a real tragedy. Anyway, Brenda says that Halley is only living here until her parents work out their divorce. Then she gets pissed at Dina the kitty kat for sticking up for Halley. Finally someone changes the subject to Brenda's upcoming Halloween party. Unfortunately, Brenda's mom comes in a few minutes later and asks where Halley is (no-one knows or cares). After she leaves, Brenda starts whining about Halley again. *sigh* Halley is two-faced, Halley is too sarcastic, Halley is a thief, Halley is an evil calculating bitch. WE GET IT. A moment later, the girls look out the window and spot Halley in the front yard talking to Brenda's boyfriend Ted. Brenda gets mad and goes on another rant which I'm just gonna ignore. Dina leaves for work (she scoops poodle poop at the vet's office) a minute later and Halley comes in, She is, of course, a blond. The predictability is making me sick. Ted is right behind her and Halley tells Brenda that he's gonna give her a driving lesson. I'll just bet he is. Sickos. Once Ted and Halley leave, Traci suggests that she and Brenda murder Halley. Sounds reasonable. Maybe that will shut Brenda up...

And now we're inside the little blue Geo with Halley and Ted the massive turd who seems to be incapable of hiding his boner for Halley. Halley is enjoying playing the dumb blond and Ted is really into being the macho man which is gag-worthy. Did I mention I hate Ted? Halley gives Ted a big sob story about her parents and how Brenda's family is so kind and SOB SOB SOBBITY SOB! A moment later, as they're heading home, Halley's DRIVER'S LICENSE falls out of her purse. She confesses that she just wanted to get him alone. They kiss and once they break apart, Ted says this is wrong. Halley thinks he doth protest too much and shove her goopy tongue back into his mouth.

It's now the next day and Brenda has just shoved her little brother Randy out of her room because he's interrupting her, Traci, and Dina while they're trying to work. And by "work" she means "trying to figure out why Ted has been acting like such a douche lately." Brenda says they went out last night, but it sucked because he was acting so distracted. Hmm. Traci doesn't care about Brenda's issues and changes the subject to her own date with her boy toy Noah. I can't find it in me to care about Traci whatsoever. She'll probably be dead by the end of the book anyway so why bother? Anyway, Brenda ignores Traci (tee hee) and goes on to say that Halley always has the strangest smile on her face whenever Ted is around. This leads to all three girls enthusiastically planning the murder of both Halley and Ted. Then they start yapping about an English assignment...yeah, they have to write a "murder mystery" and all this talk of hacking and slashing is simply brainstorming for their stupid damn ass hell homework. Grrr. Why must you torture me, Stine? I loved you once! *sob* The girls continue to talk about their story until Dina says they should all shut up because this is getting too real. Brenda wonders why Dina doesn't hate Halley as much as she does. Then she remembers that Dina's parents had problems like Halley's so that's probably why Dina is being so sympathetic. That's nice, but I came here for bloody carnage, not a heartwarming Hallmark story. Everybody shuts up when they spot Halley in Ted's car making out with him. Apparently they're dumb enough to think no-one will see them through the foggy windows. "I'll murder Halley for real!" Don't lie to me, Brenda.

The next morning is gray and gloomy which perfectly matches Brenda's mood. She goes down to the kitchen where she finds her mother (who's basically dressed in a denim tuxedo. What's the occasion?) making coffee. She tries to complain about Halley like she's done so many times before, but Mom refuses to listen. I feel sorry for this woman. She has horrible fashion sense, a daughter whose voice could peel the paint off the walls, and a niece whose personality rivals that of the Wicked Witch of the West. Where the hell is her husband? Probably at the local bar, getting shitfaced and wondering what he did to deserve a place in an R.L. Stine novel. Just kill yourself now, mister. It only gets worse from here.

At school (McKinley High) Brenda bumps into Dina who is having a craptastic day. She failed a Spanish test, spilled sloppy joe on her shirt, and now she has to look at Brenda's mug. It truly is a day in hell. The two make plans to meet up later and before going their seperate ways, Brenda asks Dina what she's dressing as for Halloween. "A monk." How creative. Although that will look odd next to Brenda's John Wayne Gacy costume...

Dina leaves and Brenda turns to go to her locker. She spots Halley getting a little too close to Traci's boyfriend Noah, a blond wrestler. Once Noah is alone, Brenda goes over to him and he starts babbling like an idiot about how he and Halley were only talking and he didn't even like it when she touched him! Brenda says she won't say anything. "I'm not a cop or something." Noah seems to find this absolutely, absurdly funny. "You don't LOOK like a cop!" Dude, chill out. Noah finally leaves. Hopefully he can get some Xanax off his mom. With a kid like that, she's bound to have a couple hundred bottles lying around.

At home that evening, Brenda tries to concentrate on her homework, but she can't stop thinking about Halley and how skanky she is. Earlier, Ted called, but Brenda slammed the phone down before he could get two words out. Good for her. Eventually, Brenda turns her lamp off and gets ready for bed. She turns to the window and sees a hideously deformed man's face staring in. No, it's not a perverted freak looking for a free show. It's a cardboard cut-out that someone taped to Brenda's window for some dumbass reason. Brenda's mom comes running in after hearing Brenda's skull shattering scream. Randy also comes in to laugh at Brenda because he's the only sane on in this house. Brenda rips the cut-out off the window and reads the message written on the back: "See you on Halloween." Brenda accuses Randy of doing it, but he swears he didn't so she assumes it was Halley.

The next day (or possibly the one after that...the writer doesn't understand the concept of a clear timeline) Brenda, Traci, Randy, and Dina are carving a jack-o'-lantern. Randy is making a mess, Brenda is freaking out over it, Traci wants to roast the seeds, and Dina is whining about how tired she is because of work. It's not like she has a full-time job or something. She's acting like she's breaking her back in the mines when all she does is shovel dog poop. She says she'd quit, but her family needs the money. I'm sure her crappy (pun intended) job is keeping the fam afloat. I'm glad you have a job, Dina, but shut the hell up already. Dina says her dad hasn't been able to send her or her mom a penny which leads to this amusing bit:

Randy: "I'll give you a penny."
Dina: "Is that your idea of a joke?"
Randy: "Yes."

I love you, Randy. Anyway, they finish carving the pumpkin and soon after, a gorilla enters the kitchen. "Before [Brenda] could cry out, the enormous animal lumbered to the table and grabbed a kitchen knife in its hairy hand, raising it menacingly over the pumpkin." That's hilarious. Of course it's just Halley in a costume, but she actually made these fools believe a gorilla broke in to murder their pumpkin. Halley takes off her gorilla head, says she found the perfect costume for Brenda's party (which is still two weeks away), and begs to borrow Brenda's car because she's meeting someone at the mall. Brenda agrees and Halley leaves for an illicit affair with someone else's man. Brenda tells Traci and Dina about the face taped to her window, but neither of them think Halley did it. Then they start talking about the murder mystery story which just gets lamer by the minute. Somehow Ted gets brought up and Brenda says she's been avoiding him and starts to cry a little because she can't believe that Halley did that to her. Both Dina and Traci comment on the stupid pumpkin instead of trying to comfort Brenda. Dirtbags. Brenda goes upstairs and notices the light in her room is on. She steps inside and sees the words "SEE YOU ON HALLOWEEN." written on her wall in what appears to be blood but is almost certainly red paint.

One cold windy night, Brenda and Traci meet at Mulligan's, "an enormous ice cream restaurant at the mall." Because all life revolves around the mall no matter where you are. The conversation is all about evil Halley and how the message on Brenda's wall was written in REAL blood (color me surprised). Traci wants to know where Halley got real blood (if it was halley. There's no real proof.) "What is she-some sort of vampire or something?" You're not too bright, are you, Traci? A moment later, Traci completely freaks out: she spots Noah and Halley in a booth. They're not doing anything but staring at each other with googly eyes, but it doesn't matter because Traci is ready to kick someone's ass. When she reaches their table, Noah starts stuttering like the bumbling moron he is and Halley just gives her a smug look and says she didn't MAKE Noah come here with her. Traci tells Noah it's over and storms out of the restaurant without scalping Halley bald. Brenda chases after her and in the car, Traci tells her they've really gotta do something about Halley.

At home, Brenda gets pissed because her parents let Halley borrow her car. Also, the dude who was supposed to come and take down the wallpaper and paint her room didn't show so she's still got the bloody writing on the wall. Halley just goes to bed because at least when she's asleep, she doesn't have to deal with her miserable life. As she's trying to fall asleep, she hears a noise. Remember the jack-o'-lantern she carved with Traci and Dina? Yeah, well, it's alive. "The jack-o'-lantern's mouth closed, making a disgusting wet sucking sound. Then opened. Then closed again as the eyes whirled madly, staring blinding across the room at Brenda. And then, as the hideous jagged lips began to move, the wet sucking sound growing louder, Brenda heard the jack-o'-lantern's voice, dry as wind, dry as death. The grin widened. The yellow eyes whirled. The mouth opened and closed. And the jack-o'-lantern rasped "SEE YOU ON HALLOWEEN." And it was all a dream. DAMMIT! Also, what the hell does "dry as death" mean? How is death dry? And why can't this entire book be about a talking jack-o'-lantern?!

Brenda and Ted are walking home from school the next day and Ted has the brass ones to say that they still have a date for the Homecoming dance. Brenda walks away from him, but he runs after her to apologize for what he did. Brenda doesn't buy it: "Halley broke up with you. Is that it? She's going with Noah now so you decide you'll come back to me. Your second choice." BURN. Ted is shocked that Halley is going with Noah and decides she's a slut who's not worth his time anyway. But he still wants to see other people. But he'll still go with Brenda to the dance because he asked her weeks ago. But he'll be thinking about other girls the entire time. And then they kiss. You people are brainless.

Later that evening, Traci and Brenda are hanging out in Brenda's room stuffing their faces with tiny Milky Way bars. I don't think Traci has a home of her own. I also don't think these two are capable of talking about anything else but Halley. A moment later, Dina comes in from work because she too has no home. They immediately start working on their murder story. Brenda's mom announces through the air vent (yes. The air vent.) that she and Dad are going out and Brenda has to watch the awesome Randy. Where's Halley? Once again, gone. The girls go downstairs to the living room to "work" because Brenda's room is smaller than a sardine can and no-one can breathe. They start talking about their Halloween costumes. Traci has decided to be a peacock and Dine whines about how creative Traci and Brenda are. Just to recap: Dina found old crusty brown robe of her mother's so she's going as a monk. And Brenda is going as an extra from Killer Klowns From Outer Space.




The next few pages are full of more crap about their murder story. I'm beginning to wonder if Dina will end up being the murderer. She's getting way too into the murder plots and every "character" is named after people she actually knows (Brenda, Halley, Ted, etc.) which makes it even weirder. Dina and Traci leave a few minutes later and Brenda goes upstairs. Inside her room, she realizes someone has lit the jack-o'-lantern. She also realizes that something smells like rotten garbage and it's coming from inside the pumpkin. "A headless bird. Its head cut cleanly off, tendons and blood vessels poking through the open cavity of its neck. The bird's body lay smouldering, stinking beside the low candle." It just HAD to be an innocent animal to go first! There's also a note inside: "YOU'RE NEXT. ON HALLOWEEN." Brenda leans over and barfs on the floor. A moment later, her parents along with Halley and Randy come bursting in. Brenda immediately accuses Halley of trying to drive her crazy. Her parents ignore her and tell Randy to clean up the mess. How dare they! Later, they all gather around the kitchen table to discuss the vandalism that's been taking place in Brenda's room lately. Mom and Dad desperately want to believe it's Randy and repeatedly ask him if he's been doing it. Then Brenda freaks out and starts screaming at Halley who screams back and ends up running upstairs in tears. What does the all knowing Randy have to say about this? "Can I have more Frosted Flakes?" Indeed.

The next afternoon, Brenda is still upset. Dina tries to talk to her about it, but Brenda just wants to complain about Halley. Dina leaves the lunchroom a moment later and stupid Ted comes over. Five seconds later, he's ignoring Brenda completely and staring across the room at Halley cuddling up to Noah. GAG.

That night, Brenda is trying to work on a paper, but as usual, Dina comes over wearing her "leopardskin-style jacket" and "straight legged black jeans and an oversized green cotton turtleneck sweater." Ew. They talk for a moment before being interrupted by Halley: "Brenda! I'm so sorry! There's been a horrible accident! A horrible accident!" Say goodbye to your car, Brenda. The thing is totally trashed and Brenda is FURIOUS. She jumps on Halley and attempts to beat the crap out of her, but her dad pulls her off. Her parents take Halley's side and Brenda silently vows to kill Halley for real. Yeah right.

The next morning before school, Dina calls Traci to discuss the fact that she's really worried about Brenda. After they talk about Halley wrecking Brenda's car and the "big fight", Traci tells Dina that she saw Ted and Hally making out in Ted's car even though Ted and Brenda are kind of together again. Do we really need to be beaten over the head yet AGAIN with the fact that Ted is a dog and Halley is his tramp? NO! Instead of wasting space on that junk, how about making something interesting happen, Stine? Yeah, yeah, I know...when pigs fly. *sigh*

Brenda is eating Wheaties (breakfast of champions!) and thinking about how quiet it is in her house. She's also thinking about Halley and how she wants to kill her. And I'm thinking about how there's a giant hole in the crotch of my pants that I didn't notice until just now. Anyway, the entire day consists of nothing but Brenda being all mopey. At dinner, her mom tells her that her car can be repaired which cheers her up a little. Then Traci and Dina come over (why doesn't she ever go to their houses?) and they talk about their story and blah blah blah. After they leave, Brenda goes to bed. Of course someone has left a nasty little surprise in the sheets: rotten chunks of meat coated in maggots. Delish. Brenda actually doesn't freak out as expected. Instead, she says "I know." which I assume means she finally knows what she's going to do to Halley. Great. Is something actually gonna happen now? Please?

It's now the evening of the Homecoming dance. McKinley High lost the football game, but no-one cares because LOOK AT THE PRETTY BALLOONS!!! Brenda is dancing with the tree stump that is Ted...until he leaves her and she has no clue where he's gone. Finally she spots him in the corner sucking face with Halley. Brenda watches as Noah comes up to them and he and Ted go outside to fight. Brenda follows from a distance and sees Halley screaming at them to stop. But that's just an act because two seconds later, Halley is watching with a crazed grin on her face like a bloodthirsty Roman watching two gladiators kill each other. Brenda runs until she gets home and immediately calls Traci: "You know our murder plot? You know our plot to murder Halley? Let's do it, ok? Let's REALLY kill her!" Ok, I've heard that about 47876685 times and NOTHING has happened yet. Which is why I hate this book.

One gray afternoon (absolutely no clue what day this is), Traci, Dina, and Brenda are at their usual spot, holed up in Brenda's postage stamp sized room. They're working on their Halloween costumes, but instead of describing those, we just get their outfits. Dina-black and white striped sweater with faded jeans. Traci-ragged gray sweats. Brenda-one of her dad's old white dress shirts over black leggings. Wow. Anyway, Traci and Dina want to know if Brenda is serious about killing Halley and Brenda really is. Dina makes the mistake of suggesting that Brenda simply talk to Halley and Brenda totally flips out. When she calms down, she explains her convoluted plan. At the party, Traci will wear Brenda's clown costume, Dina will wear Traci's peacock costume, and Brenda will wear a Frankenstein costume she bought yesterday so when she kills Halley, no-one will know it was her because everyone thinks she's a clown. Let me count the ways in which this will backfire. Does she honestly think it'll work? And why are Dina and Traci agreeing to be involved in this mess? Actually, Dina says she isn't doing it and leaves before Brenda can say anything about it. Which leaves Traci who will be wearing the clown costume while Brenda is the peacock. *sigh* Then Brenda changes her mind and says she'll sew a big baggy Frankenstein costume and wear it over the peacock costume. After she stabs Halley, she can go into another room and take off the Franky costume. This is so freaking ridiculous. Unfortunately for Brenda, Halley overheard the entire thing. Uh-oh.

On Saturday night, Brenda goes to the mall to shop for sewing supplies for her Frankenstein costume. She spots Ted and Noah hanging out in the mall like they're the best of friends. They can have each other. She imagines knocking Ted's teeth out, but walks away instead. But the jackass sees her and runs after her. What does he have to say for himself? "Listen, I'm sorry. I...messed up." Not good enough, lover boy. Brenda suddenly has an idea. She tells Ted he can come to her Halloween party if he dresses as Frankenstein. She lies and says she made a bet with Randy that there will be at least one Frankenstein at the party. Ted believes her and scampers off to buy a costume. Bad, Brenda, bad! Even though he kinda deserves it. Brenda finishes her shopping and heads home...where she finds Halley waiting in her room. "Come in, Brenda. I've been waiting for you." Ooooo. Halley says they've got to talk. Then she breaks down in tears and starts babbling about hopw she's so messed up and sorry for everything. I think she's a liar who's trying to get out of getting killed. Brenda decides to kill her anyway.

It's the day before the party. Halley and Brenda are being all chummy, carving jack-o'-lanterns and decorating and such. Afterward, Brenda goes upstairs to her room and finds Randy lying on her bed in a pool of blood. It's a joke, but Brenda thought he was actually dead. She can't tell the difference between real blood and fake PLASTIC blood and she's going to kill someone? Uh-huh.

It's FINALLY the night of the party and Brenda is really glad the party is going so well. Lots of kids have shown up and she's really excited about murdering her cousin in cold blood! No-one is paying attention as Frankenstein sneaks up behind the gorilla, plunges a knife into the hairy chest, and creeps away like nothing happened. Eventually some girl screams that there's blood beneath the gorilla's chair. Everyone laughs and says it's a joke, but when the gorilla doesn't move, they realize something's wrong. Someone pulls the mask off..."It's Brenda! And she's dead!" I like how the fact that she's dead is almost an afterthought. Everyone starts to freak out and Dina accuses Traci of killing Brenda. Halley says Brenda switched costumes with her (Halley) which means that Traci did kill Brenda because she thought it was Halley. Huh? But Traci denies it and says someone in a Frankenstein costume did it. It must have been Ted, but the only two Franks in the room are two guys named Brad and Tony. Ted has escaped! If you have no clue what's going on...well, neither do I. Anyway, Noah says Ted is home sick. Suddenly, dumbass BRENDA stands up and says "Happy Halloween." You. Suck.

Brenda tells everyone to get the hell out. After they're all gone, Brenda, Dina, Traci, and Halley meet in the kitchen. She says she knows which one of them tried to kill her. She rips open Dina's ugly robe and out falls a Frankenstein mask. To put it all together very sloppily: extra thick padding prevented Brenda's death, animal blood on the wall and rotten dog food in the bed meant Dina pulled those pranks because she works at a vet's office, and Dina wanted Brenda dead because Brenda was a shitty friend and wasn't there when Dina needed her most (i.e. when her parents were divorcing). Someone called 911 earlier and the police arrive to cart Dina's loony ass away. The book ends with Brenda and Halley drinking hot chocolate and laughing together. Because nothing is funnier than a person with severe mental problems trying to kill you. HAR HAR HAR!

Conclusion?

Pros: Randy, Milky Ways, talking jack-o'-lantern
Cons: Everything else.

Next time: "Seniors #7 - Fight, Team, Fight!" Someone wants to kill Phoebe Yamura, the perky Asian cheerleader. Which means we're in for massive amounts of shitty cheers. Which gives me a serious case of the sads :(

Fear Hall: The Beginning

Book Description:

A Special Message From R.L. Stine...

Dear Readers:

Come with me to Fear Hall. That's the creepy college dorm built many years ago by the cursed Fear family. Hope and her roomates live in Fear Hall. Hope's boyfriend lives there, too. They're all good students and best friends. Everything is going great...until one of them becomes a murderer! Now Hope is about to find out that life at Fear Hall can be a real scream! I hope you'll join me for Fear Hall. This story has so many scares, it took me two books to tell it all!

P.S. You'll never believe what I came up with for the next book...

Oh, Stine. *sigh*

My Description:

Part One - Hope

As the "Special Message From R.L. Stine" already informed us, Hope lives in Fear Hall. "Fear Hall is the biggest student dormitory at Ivy State. It's a tall, redbrick building. Sort of old-fashioned looking with a thick carpet of ivy running down the sides, curling into some of the windows. I'd guess that maybe 50 girls live in the rooms on my floor, the 13th floor. Fear Hall is only a block from The Triangle. That's the big grassy area in the middle of campus. But even though our dorm is so close to the center of campus, it's only half full. Know why? Because of its bad reputation." Thank you, Hope. She goes on to say that Fear Hall was built by Duncan Fear and the Fears are cursed or something, but she wouldn't know much about that because the family comes from Shadyside which is like 50 miles away. NOOO! I don't think I can survive a Fear Street book that doesn't take place in Shadyside! What will we do without the dead animal menagerie or the evil spirits or Dalby's Dept. Store or the homicidal teenagers or Gary Brandt?! Oh. Anyway, Hope goes on to say she shares a room with three girls: Angel, Eden, and Jasmine. Were they ever in a '90s girl band? Because that's what those names are telling me. Hope decides to tell us all about them even though we could probably find the same info in an old issue of Tiger Beat.


Yeah, baby. Check that vintage Beat. (Yeah, yeah, it's not from the 90s, but this one was too good to pass up.) Hope decides to describe herself first--she's a slightly chubby blond. Because if she were a brunette, the world would implode on itself. Angel is a skinny blond who likes to prance around in revealing clothing and giggle when guys drool over her. I may call her Bambi. Eden is our resident grunge girl. She has BROWN HAIR!! and wears plenty of plaid. Her hobbies include making jokes with her "hoarse, scratchy voice" and writing letters to her mother. Hope insinuates that Eden is possibly a lesbian: "Unlike Angel, [Eden] doesn't seem at all interested in the boys here at Ivy State. I've never even seen her talking to a boy." Now we come to Jasmine who is the shy one. She's also pretty, intelligent, and self-conscious. And there you have the girls of room 13-B.

Hope says that everyone is very happy until one night when her boozy boyfriend Darryl wakes her up. After blowing some beer breath up her nostrils, he tells her he did something reaaaaallll bad. Such as? Well, instead of telling Hope right away, he first informs her that he saw her with some dude named Brendan earlier. Darryl is the jealous type and this filled his head with rage. Hope says that wasn't Brendan (who the fudge is Brendan?!) it was Angel. Apparently Angel could pass as a man or a woman. How convenient! Either that or Darryl was so damn wasted he couldn't tell the difference. I want Angel to be a hermaphrodite so I'm going with that explanation. Anyway, back to Darryl's bad deed. He finally tells Hope what happened to good old Brendan: "I carved him, Hope. I carved him." Well, that could mean a few different things. Perhaps Darryl is a carpenter who carves likenesses of random guys out of balsa wood. Maybe he's a murderer who enjoys carving human flesh like Grandpa carves the Thanksgiving turkey. Either way, I'm glad that Darryl has a hobby besides drinking. After Darryl confesses, Hope screams loud enough to wake the other girls and probably everyone within a ten foot radius. Hope says something about Brendan and Angel tells deranged Darryl that SHE was the one with Brendan. It's too bad Darryl didn't have that bit of info earlier. Because he's pretty sure Brendan is dead. I would care a lot more if someone would just tell me who the hell Brendan is. Angel says they have to call the police, but before Darryl can carve her for even THINKING such a thing, someone knocks on the door. Hope shoves Darryl into the closet and answers the door. It's a girl named Melanie who lives across the hall. Mel is part of the three M's: Melanie, Mary, and Margie. They're nosy, smug, rich girls who Hope loves to hate. Melanie asks is anyone needs help and Hope says no and lies about the noise. As Melanie turns to leave, they hear a loud scream. Mary comes running up the hall and says a boy has been murdered outside. Everyone runs out and they find Brendan's mutilated body beside some shrubs. Darryl did indeed carve away. In the distance are sirens so Hope runs back upstairs for Darryl who is just sitting there on her bed like nothing is happening, like he didn't just carve out someone's intestines for no reason. Before he leaves, he has a message for Hope: "Just don't go out with another guy. Or I might do it again. I just might." Seriously. A few moments after Darryl stumbles out the door, a policeman shows up to ask some questions that no-one will answer honestly because protecting the drunken hosebag is more important than getting some justice for the innocent dead kid.

Part Two - Jasmine

Jasmine works at Campus Corner, the local coffee shop. She's practically the only person who works there so her job is about 500 times more stressful than it should be, all because her boss is a cheapskate who won't hire more people. Or something. Regardless of the hours she works, she likes the job mostly because it's helping her be less shy. "My mother always called me Fish. Isn't that a disgusting nickname? She called me that because she said I had the personality of a dead fish. My mother wasn't very kind to me." Scientists have a name for your mother, Jasmine: pontificus bitchicus (a.k.a. pontificating bitch). Sidenote: pontificating is the word of the day. Anyway, Jasmine starts thinking about Brendan's brutal murder. She looks up and spots the three M's sitting in a booth whispering and staring at her. I wonder if they're friends with her mom. Jasmine finally walks over to their table and directly asks them why they keep staring at her. Melanie says they wanted her to take their order. A little while later, Eden and Angel come in and Jasmine takes a break so she can talk to them. They immediately say they're worried about Hope and the fact that she won't let them tell the police about Darryl. Tell them anyway!!! He's a psychopath! Eden and Angel leave when they realize the three M's have been eavesdropping the whole time. Ugh.

Jasmine leaves work at 7:30 PM and she's relieved to go because her boss, Marty, is acting really strange. As she's walking home, she hears footsteps behind her and assumes it's Marty. But then the figure jumps out of an alley and grabs her. Who is it? If you guessed Darryl, you have no imagination, but you are completely correct. You would think this fool would lay low considering he recently KILLED someone but instead he's out playing stalker. He's all twitchy and weird and asks if she plans on turning him in. She says no and he replies that he won't kill again unless he has to. Is that supposed to be comforting?

Part Three - Eden

Eden is busy doing what she always does--writing letters to her mother. I'm not sure why she feels a need to write constantly. She's like a soldier pouring out her heart just in case she dies in battle or something. Hope teases her about this, but only because Hope really hates her own mom. Hope's mom is just as bad as Jasmine's. She calls Hope 'Buttertubs' because Hope is a little chubby. Again with the pontificus bitchicus. Hope wants to go out and Eden agrees to go with her. They make their way to Blue Tavern which is the college version of Pete's Pizza. What makes it college? The beer of course! The girls get a table next to a few guys. One of them is described as looking like a pirate. What a catch, matey. NOT. The other guy is cute and bearded and introduces himself as Dave (the old peg-leg is Gideon). Eden notices that Hope looks completely freaked out. She says Darryl is watching and she doesn't want any trouble. When the guys come over to their table, Hope disappears. Instead of going after her, Eden decides to stay behind and eat pizza with Dave because he makes her heart go pitter patter. LAME. Eden's excuse is that she really needs a man in her life right now. Eden, I'd like to smack you sideways. When your friend is depressed and struggling, you at least attempt to help. You don't sit around stuffing your face with pizza and beer with some dude you just met (and his best friend Blackbeard). So. Infuriating. Eden and the boys sit around making painfully stupid jokes and laughing like hyenas. Eden mentions that she lives in Fear Hall and the guys think this is so cool.

She leaves a few minutes later, finally thinking about Hope. When she gets to 13-B, she sees that Angel and Jasmine are asleep and Hope is cowering in her bed because there's Darryl in the corner. Eden is totally pissed that this creep is in their room and she gets even more angry when he holds up a letter she wrote to her mom about the murder. Darryl grabs her arm, twists it, and slams her against the wall. Someone knocks on the door and Angel and Jasmine wake up so Darryl dives into the bathroom to hide in the toilet like the turd he is. Melanie and Mary are at the door and Eden lies about everything just like Hope did the first time this happened. Before the M's leave, they tell Eden they're organizing a safety meeting and Eden assures them that they'll all be there.

The next morning, Eden runs into Dave on her way to history class. They make plans to meet later. When Eden reachs the classroom, she's already late. After taking her seat, her professor, Mr. Cumberland, asks if she's Hope Mathis. She says no, Hope is her roomate and doesn't take this course. Mr. Cumberland looks at his roster and says Eden isn't registered for this course. I want to say that Hope has multiple personalities and Eden is one of them, but the more I think about it, the less sense it makes. Then again, these books aren't known for "making sense". In fact, logic simply doesn't exist here. My brain hurts. Anyway, Eden leaves the room completely confused and runs into Hope on the Triangle. Eden explains what just happened and Hope says the teacher must have gotten mixed up because she isn't in that class. Well, that solves everything, Captain Obvious. Eden blurts out that she wants to call the cops about Darryl, but Hope begs her not to. WHY? Guess I'm not getting an answer any time soon.

That night, Eden and Dave go to a coffee shop called Murphy's to hang out. Eden borrowed an outfit from Hope (black shirt, black skirt, purple tights. Smokin'.) and Dave thinks she looks hawt. Eden thinks his beard is really cute. They were obviously made for each other. Wonder if Eden will tell him she's covering for a murderer before their wedding day. Eventually they leave the restaurant and some guy comes running up and body slams Dave into the wall. It's that stupid pirate who thinks himself hilarious. He takes off a moment later (Dave should've gouged his eyes out) and Eden and Dave go to the driving range for some reason. P.S. I hate golf. Eden sucks at it so Dave gives her some pointers. Suddenly Eden spots Darryl lurking in the shadows. He comes over and proceeds to rip Dave's ear off with a golf club. "The ripping sound...the horrible ripping...like Velcro being pulled apart. And Dave's ear sailed up...up...into the bright glare of the spotlights." That's fucked up. Darryl goes on to beat Dave to death while Eden screams and runs away. How helpful.

Part Four - Hope

Hope is holding Eden while she sobs. Hope also helps Eden wash her blood encrusted hair and the clothes that Hope lent to Eden which are the cause of Dave's death--Darryl thought Eden was Hope because he's a frigging idiot. I mean, these girls look NOTHING alike. Eden keeps saying that they have got to call the police because Darryl will just keep killing people unless they do something. Then Hope tells Eden why she doesn't want to get rid of Darryl--because he is the only one who never made her feel bad about her weight. So people have to die horrible, painful deaths because you feel fat? Go to hell. Go directly to hell. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Just go to hell. Eden finally falls asleep and Darryl creeps out of the shadows (how does he even get in here?!) and tells Hope to strangle Eden. She tells him to get out and they argue. It's almost funny how they act like Darryl killing people is just some kind of personality quirk. "When Darryl gets nervous, he tends to disembowel the closest living thing. But it's ok because he only does it SOMETIMES!" That kind of thing (not an actual line from this book). Darryl leaves after telling Hope that he'll kill again if he has to. And of course he'll have to. He always has a reason. *sigh*

The next morning, Hope hears a report on the radio about Dave's death. Police want to speak with the young woman who was spotted with him on the driving range. Uh-oh. Hope wakes Eden and Eden says she's gotta call the police. Hope isn't going to let that happen so when Eden picks up the phone, Hope picks up Angel's hair dryer and cracks Eden's skull with it. Eden is still alive so Hope ties her up, tapes her mouth shut, and throws her in the closet. As Hope is thinking about what to do next, she spots Melanie standing in the doorway. Apparently she just missed the show because she just says she wanted to remind Hope about the safety meeting tonight. I don't think it's gonna matter if Hope is there or not. Melanie leaves and Hope happens to glance out the window and sees cops talking to Darryl. Naturally Hope freaks out and decides she's gotta get down there and rescue her shining prince! Then she remembers Eden. She actually feels guilty about what she did and opens the closet door...Eden is gone. Uh, HOW? Hope turns and sees that Eden is in bed, just waking up. What the hell is going on?! Hope runs to the window again and spots Darryl. The cops have left and he's staring up at her "with the most terrifying look of pure hatred on his face." I think I've fallen down the rabbit hole.

Part Five - Jasmine

Jasmine is heading for work and she's late and dreading what her lame boss will have to say. He ends up firing her because not only was she late today, she didn't even show up the day before. Jasmine realizes she doesn't remember anything about yesterday. Hope...multiple personalities...it's gotta be! Or something. Anyway, "Jasmine" goes to the Student Union to have some coffee and try to remember the chunks of her life that seem to have slipped her mind. Unfortunately, the horse's ass known as Darryl shows up. What has he done THIS time? "I hurt [Hope], Jasmine. I hurt her real bad." Ok. You want a medal or something?

Part Six - Hope

Hope (or whoever she is) is on her bed sobbing when Jasmine comes in. When Jasmine asks her what Darryl did, Hope gives the response a 5 year old would give. "He didn't hit me. He did much worse, Jasmine. He called me names!" Is she serious? Hilarious! Darryl told Hope she was a fat cow which is the equivalent of stabbing her in the heart with a rusty corkscrew. A few minutes later, Hope tilts her head back, screams as loud as she can, and runs out of the room. I...I just...dude.

Part Seven - Angel

I've been really dreading this one. Anyway, Angel is making out with some guy...some guy named B.J. *giggle* Angel wants us to know what a slut she is: "I do this a lot. I find guys in restaurants and movie theaters and stores. And I end up in dark parking lots with them. But what's the harm in it?" I can sum up the harm with three letters: STD. I bet Angel smells like hot garbage and stale cigarettes. Anyway, Darryl shows up to ruin the fun. B.J. gets freaked out and drives off, leaving Angel with Darryl. Darryl cackles like an old hag because Angel is alone with him. Ew.

Part Eight - Hope

After Hope lost her mind and ran out of the dorm like a cheetah chasing a one-legged antelope, she eventually calmed down enough to return to the building. It's now 11 PM and Hope is waiting for the elevator with melanie who won't shut up about the murders and campus safety and blah blah blah. Finally Hope gets to her room and it's empty until a few moments later when all 3 of her roomates come in. They all tell Hope that something has to be done about Darryl. How many times have we heard this? The answer is simple, morons--call the cops! Quit asking Hope for permission and just do it! Hope surprisingly agrees with them and Eden calls the police. She tells them everything and they tell her they'll be there soon. Immediately after Eden hangs up, Darryl climbs through the freaking window from the fire escape. He heard Eden's phone call and lunges for her, wrapping his hands around her throat and lifting her in the air. Darryl ends up breaking her neck and throwing her corpse out the window. SHOCK! He leaps out the window and a moment later, the police knock on the door. Instead of answering the girls hide out on the fire escape. They hear the cops enter the room with Melanie...who informs them that Hope has no roomates, she lives alone. AHA! Darryl doesn't exist either. Hope is just a sad lunatic who spends her days alone talking to herself. Hope is enraged that Melanie (and now Mary and Margie, too) would dare say these things about her so she decides they'll have to die. The last line is from an eagle-eyed cop: "There she is! On the fire escape! Catch her!"

Conclusion? I'm interested in knowing what happens to Hope. But I've got to admit that I'm a little pissed that nothing in this book was real, that everything was just Hope's overactive imagination/mental disorder.

Next time: "Halloween Night" Because I wish every day was Halloween.