Night Games

*This cover is absolutely hilarious. "Night time is the right time...for trouble." Classic.*

Book Description:

Diane loves sneaking out in the middle of the night. Her friends do, too. They have the town all to themselves. Every night they come up with a new prank to play. But then Diane's boyfriend, Lenny, wants revenge on a teacher and the pranks turn to murder. Now Diane and her friends are in too deep. Much too deep...with no way out.

My Description:

It's the middle of the night (WOW!) and Diane, Lenny, Cassie, and Jordan are standing on the sidewalk laughing at Mr. Crowell's hideous Christmas decorations. Mr. Crowell is their math teacher and everyone hates him because he doesn't allow calculators. Diane turns her attention to Lenny, her personal Adonis. Lenny is one tough bad ass and Diane is a dork so she doesn't know why he dates her. Shut up, Diane. Judging by the cover, you could probably kick Lenny's ass. After all, YOU'RE the one in the black leather jacket and everyone knows only cool bad asses wear black leather. Anyway, Lenny thinks they should smash the whole tacky display (he must be bad at math), but no-one else is into it so they walk off. A moment later, they see someone dart around the side of a house and automatically assume it's a burglar even though they're doing practically the same freaking thing (i.e. lurking around random houses). It turns out to be one of their stupid friends, Spencer. They tell him about their initial suspicions and he says all he does these days is rob houses and he's really rich because of it. They all believe it until he bursts out laughing and tells them they're all stupid. Yes. They are. The house Spencer was "burglarizing" is his own. He just moved back to Shadyside. After he tells the gang that he was just sneaking out to play Night Games (yes, that's what he calls it), Diane asks him where the hell he's been. Grandma got sick, Dad dragged Spencer and family to Washington, Grandma got better, and Dad decided to move the family back to Shadyside because "My dad thought it would be easier to find work here." Is your father completely DERANGED? Does he have some sort of brain fever? There's NOTHING in Shadyside! Once you leave, why would you ever come back?!? Spencer goes on to say that he goes to St. Ann's now instead of Shadyside High. What a loss. Then he asks them if they want to go on an adventure, a "Night Game". Is he five years old? What high schooler asks his friends if they want to go on an adventure? Diane isn't sure and Cassie wants to make sure he doesn't do anything illegal. "I have adventures. Some nights it's hard to sleep. My head feels so crowded. So I sneak out for some Night Games. Quiet little adventures...in the dark." I don't think it was Grandma who was sick. I think it's Spencer who has the sickness. In the head. 'My head feels so crowded' = the voices won't shut up. 'Quiet little adventures' = killing small animals, defecating in mailboxes, luring sailors to their death with his siren song, etc. Yet these idiots follow him like empty headed sheep. Nocturnal sheep.

They walk around, following Spencer until he stops beside a car with two unruly teens making out inside. Spencer decides to get his jollies by pounding on the window and telling the cupcakes inside that they're under arrest. They freak out until they open the door and realize it's not a cop, just some disturbed boy. The dude from the car appears ready to kick Spencer's ass, but before that can happen, Spence and the gang run away. They stop when they reach Spencer's front yard and he suggests they do this again: "Let's meet again. Okay? How about it? Monday after midnight? We'll all sneak out and have more adventures." Stop saying adventures!! ERROL FLYNN had adventures. All YOU'RE having is happy play time. You may as well be sitting in a sandbox! Anyway, Diane and Cassie don't really want to, but Lenny and Jordan do and since neither girl possesses a spine, they go along with it.

It's now Monday and the Night Riders are sitting in Mr. Crowell's math class fighting boredom. Cassie is sketching, Diane is examining a stain on her shirt, and Lenny and Jordan are acting like jackasses. When Lenny laughs at something Jordan says, Mr. Crowell spins around and demands to know what's so funny. He proceeds to rip Lenny a new one before turning back to the blackboard. Lenny stands and flips over his desk. When Crowell tells him to sit down, Lenny raises his fist and then bolts out of the classroom before he can solve the equation of how long it would take to rearrange Crowell's face. Mr. Crowell continues his lesson as if nothing ever happened because he is made of awesome sauce.

After class, Diane tries to find Lenny with no luck. He's probably in the janitor's closet crying his little heart out into a mop. Diane talks to Cassie who mentions that Crowell has a heart condition and someday Lenny is going to give him a heart attack (foreshadowing?). Then they talk about the ADVENTURE that's taking place tonight. Cassie doesn't wanna go, but she's a glutton for peer pressure and since everyone else is going, she will too. Diane is going so she can have the chance to talk to Lenny. Does he not have a phone? I seriously doubt she needs to go skipping around the streets of Shadyside in the middle of the night to talk to that moron.

That night, the girls meet in front of Spencer's house and the boys show up shortly after. Diane tells Lenny that he needs to "cool it" in Crowell's class, but Lenny isn't planning on it. He blames it on Crowell: "I'm not a good enough student for him to leave alone. Every chance he gets, he finds a way to get on my case." You are such a turd, Lenny. If you actually paid attention and did your work instead of sitting there with your thumb up your butt, he'd probably get off your case, genius! A moment later, Spencer comes flopping out of his window like a crack addicted trout. "I knew you guys would come! Everyone needs some Night Games from time to time--right?" NO. Then we're treated to a visual of Spence: "Spencer had his hair tied back in a thick ponytail. He wore a black sweatshirt--inside out--and baggy black chinos that were ripped at both knees." Glad to hear he dressed up for the occasion.

After Lenny and Spencer share how much they hate Crowell (apparently he was Spencer's teacher a few years ago when Spence still attended Shadyside High) they all start walking down the street. Spencer is excited: "Late at night, Shadyside is ours!" You poor pathetic fool. Of course they end up at Crowell's house. They spy on him through the window. He's in the living room disemboweling a headless corpse. Just kidding--he's decorating his Christmas tree. Sadly, I don't think this book will have any guts or decapitated bodies. Our loss. Anyway, after putting the finishing touches on his tree, Crowell treats himself to a soda pop (I think an occasion like this calls for an orange Fanta. Screw Coke!) and sits back to admire his mad decorating skills. The Night Riders (I declare this their official name) get bored and all but Spencer turn to leave. He decides to destroy some of Crowell's outdoor decorations with his handy dandy flashlight. He smashes some twinkly red and green lights, breaks Santa's head, and throws an aluminum reindeer at the house. Crowell hears the MADNESS! and comes to the door: "I see you!" They all run, leaving Crowell alone to screech the night away. The boys think the entire thing was hilarious, but Cassie and Diane think it was pretty horrible...yet they agree to go out again the next night. Crowell should have shot them all when he had the chance.

When Diane gets home, her ex-boyfriend Bryan calls her. She broke with him a year ago to go out with Lenny, but he wants her back for some reason. Diane is pissed because it's almost 3 AM and the phone could have woken her parents. She tells him she doesn't want to talk now so Bryan keeps it short and tells her she'll be sorry for dating Lenny. I think she's already sorry. A few seconds after hanging up, the phone rings again. It's the obligatory raspy voiced caller. "Diane, I saw you tonight. I saw you tonight, Diane. I know about your Night Games." You've got to be kidding me.

Last Winter

Spencer is hanging out in his uncle's ski cabin waiting for the rest of the Scooby gang to show up. He's excited for everyone to see this AWESOME cabin and ski the AWESOME slopes. It's TOTALLY AWESOME! Or not. Anyway, the downside for Spencer is that he doesn't have a girlfriend and everyone else is part of a couple. "Spencer knew he could find someone to date. But he was picky about who he went out with. She had to be smart, pretty, and fun. Someone perfect. Someone like Diane." That one makes fun of itself. Spencer hates that Diane chose Lenny over him. Boo hoo. Everyone arrives in Jordan's new Jeep (FYI: Jordan is rich). Lenny hangs his head out the window and yell at Spencer: "Yo, Spence! We saw your car leaning too far to the left. Maybe you should cut down on the Snickers bars!" HAR HAR HAR. This ticks Spencer off and he thinks about what a creep Lenny is. The only reason Lenny is here is because Diane insists on dragging him everywhere, not because Spencer invited him.

They all go inside and admire the cabin. Spencer overhears Lenny and Diane arguing in another room. Lenny says he didn't want to come, but he did for Diane. She tells him he follows her everywhere, he says it's the other way around, and Jordan interrupts before they can get into a Dynasty-style slap fest. Everyone gathers in the living room to be near the fire and watch TV. Unfortunately, a howling wind somehow knocks the power out. Spencer lights a lantern and everyone sits in uncomfortable silence while Diane and Lenny fight. Lenny ends up storming outside to sit in the Jeep where he can be alone and cry like the little bitch he is. Cassie and Jordan start making out while Diane and Spencer go to fetch more firewood. Diane complains about Lenny and she and Spencer have a moment where they almost kiss, but Lenny nips that in the bud by grabbing Spencer and punching him in the face. "Stay away from Diane! Or you'll be sorry! You'll be sorry!" What is it about this chick that makes these guys so crazy? She's about as interesting as a dried leaf. Lenny drags her back to the cabin leaving Spencer alone with his raging fury.

This Winter

Cassie and Diane are sharing a vegetarian pizza at Pete's Pizza (I look forward to the day I come upon one of these books that does not mention this place) while Diane moans to Cassie about Bryan's phone call. She thinks he was the raspy caller, but we all know it's some other psycho. They change the subject to Spencer and his Night Games when suddenly Lenny bursts through the door with blood dripping from his hand. Mr. Crowell told Lenny's basketball coach that Lenny is failing algebra so Coach kicked Lenny off the team. Lenny was so mad he punched a locker and cut his hand. The stupid troll blames Crowell for his bleeding hand. He complains that Crowell is ruining his life and won't stop until Lenny is kicked out of school. SHUT UP. Jordan shows up a moment later and asks everyone if they're meeting Spencer tonight. Of course they are. And Lenny plans to get revenge on Mr. Crowell.

The next chapter begins with Diane wondering how she, such a sensible girl, got caught up in the wild world of Night Games. Because you're an idiot, Diane. That's all there is to it. Diane thinks it's the sense of freedom that the Night Games gives them. I'll agree to disagree. Then Diane thinks about how gorgeous Spencer is now that he's no longer kind of chubby. How kind.

That night, the Night Riders (Midnight Morons? Moon Goons?) gather in Spencer's yard. Spencer hasn't fallen out his window yet and they're beginning to wonder what he's doing. Probably better not to ask. They all start arguing because waiting for five minutes is sooooo stressful. Eventually Spencer appears and tells them he fell asleep studying. Right. Lenny tells him he wants to go to Crowell's house "to do some damage". Spencer says that the Night Games are about fun, not revenge, but Lenny is determined so off they go. When they arrive at Crowell's house, all the lights are out and his car isn't in the open garage. They decide the logical thing to do is break into the house. They crawl in through a window and debate about what to do. Lenny wants to completely trash the place, but Spencer says they should just move some things around so Crowell will be freaked out, but he won't have any real reason to call the police. They split up and Diane goes into the bathroom where she laughs at Crowell's Bugs Bunny/Daffy Duck shower curtain. Then she goes into a room, leaves the light on, and shuts the door. "That would give him something to think about!" You are truly the devil, Diane. She makes her way to a bedroom where she spots a figure lying on the bed. Before she can make out who it is in the darkness, Spencer grabs her shoulders, effectively scaring her. She calms down and tells him about the figure...which turns out to be a pair of black pajamas. They leave the room and Spencer sees Crowell's car pulling into the driveway. Crowell enters the house and everyone leaves through the kitchen door before he knows they're there. Diane is scandalized because Spencer stole Crowell's CD player. *sigh*

At home, Diane calls Cassie and they talk about what happened and how weird Spencer is now. The girls hang up after a few minutes and Diane gets another call from the creaky smoker's voice. "I saw what you did tonight. I know about your Night Games, Diane. I know what you stole tonight. I know about your little revenge. You'll pay, Diane. You're going to pay for what you did." She wasn't the one who stole and she wasn't the one who wanted revenge, you slow witted squirrel. Go bother someone else (i.e. Lenny)!

During Mr. Crowell's class the next day, the gang is incredibly jumpy. Crowell seems to be paying more attention to them, particularly Diane. After class, he speaks with her alone. But all he does is ask about how her midterm project is going. She's relived and meets up with her goofy friends a few moments later. She tells them what Crowell said and says they should stop with the Night Games. No-one but Cassie wants to quit. Cassie and Diane are not being forced to do these things so why do they continue to act like they are? Diane mentions her creepy caller and Lenny demands to know who it is. As if she knows. After the mention of the calls, the group decides to tell Spencer that they're through with his shoddy Night Games. If only.

Spencer isn't home when they arrive after school so they decide to show up tomorrow. Later, Diane has dinner at Cassie's house and it's dark when she leaves for home. As she's walking, she feels like she's being watched and this is confirmed when Bryan jumps out of the bushes. He confesses he was following her and says he wants to talk. She refuses and he tells her she needs to stay away from Lenny because he'll only get her into trouble. She mentions the strange phone calls, but Bryan says he didn't do it. Diane tries to walk away, but he grabs her and only lets go when a car passes by. He scampers off into the night like a scared rabbit. I think it's safe to say Diane has very poor taste in men.

At home, Diane finds the house empty. But Lenny takes care of that by showing up to whine about his awful parents. Did I mention how much I hate Lenny? Because I do. A LOT. His parents are angry with him because of his horrible grades and, as usual, Lenny blames Crowell. He confesses that he fantasizes about beating up Crowell or running over him with his car. Diane simply replies that Lenny and Crowell really need to talk. Then she and Lenny make out until they hear a knocking at the door. It's Cassie who received a note from, presumably, the same pathetic weirdo that keeps calling Diane. The note reads "I know about your Night Games. You're going to be the loser." Lenny thinks it's Mr. Crowell who I'm almost certain has much better things to than stay up late making phone calls and writing notes to stupid, irrational teenagers. Diane thinks it's Bryan and Cassie thinks it's Spencer. Which means it's probably neither. A few minutes later, Spencer shows up with a note of his own. His says "Night Games can be dangerous. Sometimes people die." Except not. Ever.

Last Winter

Here we go again. It's early morning and Spencer is making a nice cup of hot cocoa. "If only I had someone to share it with, he thought. Someone like Diane." Shut up, Spencer. You're not in a Danielle Steele novel, damn you! Cassie and Diane come out onto the deck where Spencer is sitting and he fights the urge to kiss Diane. I wish he would. Then we'd have the pleasure of watching him and Lenny kill each other in the snow. Jordan and Lenny come outside and watch Diane, Cassie, and Spencer making snow angels. Lenny makes a joke at Spencer's expense and challenges the three to a snowball war. Spencer packs the snow tightly into his hand and allows it to melt to form ice (what?) and slams Lenny in the mouth with the iceball and beans Jordan in the side of the head. In return, they bury Spencer in the snow. He starts freaking out because they packed him in pretty tightly and he can't move or even speak. He overhears Diane and Lenny arguing about whether or not to leave him. Then Jordan's Jeep starts...and the chapter ends there.

This Winter

The four fools who are currently the plague of my existence are sitting in the cafeteria discussing the notes. Blah blah blah. At the end of the day, Lenny goes to talk to Mr. Crowell while Diane waits outside the classroom. Lenny blows it and comes out furious. Crowell told him he was a loser who would never change (and THAT's why I love Crowell). Lenny wants one more Night Game, one more trip to Crowell's house. My will to live is fading...

Once again, they all meet at Spencer's and afterward head for Crowell's house. They find the lights out and the car missing so they let themselves in through the window like last time. Lenny has a can of spray paint (Diane somehow mistakes this for a gun. Further proof that she has defective brain cells.) and begins spraying everything in sight. Diane stumbles off to find Cassie and they get seperated from the boys only to find them a little later standing in a bedroom staring down at Crowell's lifeless body sprawled on the floor.

Predictably, these jerks only care about getting out of the house because they think someone will think they killed Crowell. WHO? WHY? Everyone is losing their minds. Except Lenny. Pretty sure he's high from paint fumes. They see headlights flash on the wall and Cassie screams "The police!" It isn't the police. How the hell would they know to come there? It's just a car pulling into the driveway next door. Instead of calling 911, they all search for the paint can that Lenny dropped. Jordan finds it and they all flee the house.

At 7 AM, Diane's phone rings. It's Cassie who heard on the radio that Crowell's housekeeper found him. He died of a heart attack. Because of the spray paint, the police think an intruder broke in and literally scared him to death. Excellent sleuthing. Diane stays home from school and that evening, her parents go out. Creepy McGee leaves a note on Diane's porch. It's a sheet of paper with the words "You Die Next" written in spray paint. UNBELIEVABLY clever. Cassie and Lenny show up with identical notes and they all decide to track down Jordan (Cassie called. He's not home.) to see if he also got a note. They find him at The Corner eating french fries with Bryan. Diane barges in and immediately accuses JORDAN of sending the notes because he was the one who found the spray can the night before. He tells her he gave the can to Spencer so they all leave to hunt down Spencer. They go into his house for the first time and find it empty and deserted. No heat. No furniture. Nothing to suggest anyone lives here. Then they spot Spencer lying facedown on the floor. They all think he's dead until he pops up to say "I'm dead." Thanks for letting us know. And it's true--Spencer is a ghost. Yes, folks, THIS is how it ends. He floats up off the floor and says they all killed him last winter when they left him to smother in the snow. He came back to get his revenge by making them play Night Games and watching them become frightened by his notes and phone calls. But now he's tired of games and just wants to kill them. They get rid of him by hugging him and telling him they love him. He needs hatred to thrive and their "kindness" causes him to melt to a dark puddle. The twist? He managed to kill Diane just before he died by choking her. Yet no-one notices because she's a "living ghost" just like Spencer was. I am in so much mental pain right now...

Conclusion? Unbearably boring and ridiculous. The characters were annoying and unlikable and I wanted to murder them all myself. And the entire Crowell thing was totally pointless! I'm not even going to comment on the ending. I just CANNOT.

Next time: "99 Fear Street - The Third Horror" Let's bury this sucker once and for all.

99 Fear Street - The Second Horror

Book Description:

At first, Brandt McCloy thinks moving to Shadyside is great. He has attracted the attention of three beautiful girls -- Meg, Jinny, and Abbie. But Brandt hasn't heard the terrifying stories about his new home -- 99 Fear Street. He doesn't know about the headless bodies, the bleeding walls. He doesn't know that Cally Frasier still haunts the house and plans gruesome deaths for him and everyone close to him. Poor Brandt -- what he doesn't know WILL hurt him.

*If you need a refresher, link to The First Horror is in the sidebar.*

My Description:

Prologue

Cally Frasier's ghost is in the attic of the eeeeevil house on 99 Fear Street. She's watching a new family move in and her ghostly eyes are drawn to the hunk of burnin' dry-lipped love called Brandt. (This specimen is also known as teenagus dooficus. The Latin makes it fancy!) Cally is a sad and lonely ghost because the eeeeevil drove her entire family away and she's been spending her spectral days lamenting the fact that the eeeeevil is now inside her. Lest we forget how this house became chock full of evil, Cally has the story: "The house was built over 30 years ago, she knew. Built on cursed land. The first owners never moved in. The man who built the house brought his family to see it and left them alone for five minutes. Five minutes. When he returned, his wife and children were dead. Their heads ripped from their bodies. He hanged himself one month later. Here. In this house." Truly tragic...and maybe a wee bit awesome. What am I saying?!? It's the eeeeevil talking through my feeble frame! [End Prologue]

We begin this tale of unimaginable EVIL (I'm already sick as hell of that word)with the McCloy family moving all their crap into their new residence, the cursed house at 99 Fear Street. Mr. McCloy is screaming at one of the movers for not being more careful with the boxes of priceless tribal masks. Yeah, I know how pissed I get when people throw MY tribal masks around willy nilly. Like, don't they understand that those things are priceless artifacts (i.e. worthless shit) that came from prestigious locations around the world (i.e. a discounted bin of Mardi Gras favors at the Dollar Tree)? Dammit, people! Anyway, instead of bothering to help in any way, Brandt sits nearby stroking his cat Ezra and staring at his new home. This house is just like all the others on Fear Street: a delapidated dump full of rats and evil. Don't look so excited, Brandt. He isn't...he's disappointed in this cesspool he's being forced to live in. It only gets worse when Dad comes out of the house screaming about the rats. The rats are your friends! Or they will be when you realize they're not going anywhere. No poison or trap can kill a Fear rat. FACT. A moment later, Mr. Glen Hankers (the handy dandy repairman from the first book) comes over to introduce himself. He and Dad head inside the house to check out the rat situation. I guess old Hankers isn't interested in telling this family what happened to the last tenants of this house. Brandt tells his mom he's going to help the movers and Mom says he shouldn't because of his "condition". Is he pregnant? As I ponder Brandt's gestation, he starts unpacking a box that has dad's blowing darts inside. Don't ask. I won't either. Somehow one of the spears "seems to jump" out of Brandt's hand and stabs Ezra who promptly bleeds to death. NOOOOO! One chapter in and there's already dead cat blood on your hands, Stine. You're an evil man. An evil man indeed. The family consoles themselves by saying Ezra didn't suffer. Uh, when DIDN'T he suffer? He slowly bled to death! SOB!

They heal their wounds (but not Ezra's! SOB!) that evening over pizza. Like a healing grease scented salve, the pizza coaxes their troubles away with its pepperoni and cheese goodness. They talk about all the healthy food they ate on the island of Mapolo, their last place of residence. They left a tropical paradise to live on Fear Street. Morons. Anyway, Mom recalls how much Brandt loved the food: "You asked me to make stewed mushrooms and coconut for your birthday, remember?" Ew. Then Mom shuts her pizza pie hole to hand Brandt a glass of Pepsi. WHAT?! PEPSI? Do they not know they could be shot in the back for not drinking Coke in this town?? All Coke, all the time...or else. The conversation turns to Zina, an old woman who lived on Mapolo until she vanished. Her coked out daughter said she turned into a panther and told Brandt he was the only one who could find her. Mercifully, Brandt's parents decided to move before he could go the way of the...panther.

That night, Brandt lies awake in bed thinking about poor Ezra. But his thoughts are interrupted by a scratching sound. He assumes it's just those dirty rats and notices the noise is coming from the attic so he decides to investigate. You, Brandt, are in a Fear Street book and should know that's it never the rats and will never be the rats. He enters the dark, musty attic and hears claws clacking and a growl. Suddenly something leaps at him, bounces off him, and falls to the floor. It's a fat raccoon who just tried to sumo Brandt out of the attic. Upon failing, the raccoon does battle with Brandt. Seriously, the next few pages consist of Brandt holding a broom and the raccoon hissing and growling before grabbing the broom with its mouth and snatching it from Brandt. Then it ditches the broom and bounces its fat rump out the window. Dude got pwned by a damn raccoon. Enough. Said. The parents come running and Brandt tells them the story, but he blames the raccoon's bad assery on rabies instead of the AWESOME VIRUS. Mom and Dad say Brandt shouldn't have been engaging in mortal combat with a raccoon on account of his "condition".

Cally's ghost watches Brandt slump back to his bedroom in defeat. She's quite amused by what took place and thinks Brandt's fear makes him even cuter. She also has a thought about the raccoon: "That raccoon didn't have rabies. There's another reason it acted so strangely. There's something else that made it act viciously. The evil, Brandt. The evil in this house." HELL to the NO. The evil is not responsible for everything! That raccoon is genetically fierce, you fools! And what do you know anyway, Cally? You're an invisible pile of DEAD.

The next morning, Brandt goes for a drive instead of helping his parents unload groceries like his father asked him to do. Brandt drives like the idiot he is and ends up losing control of the car, swerving out of the path of an oil truck, and squealing to a stop right at the rim of a gorge. He backs up and drives home at 80 MPH. "That was fun. Man, that was fun!" Mush head.

That night, Brandt can't go to sleep because he's thinking about starting school the next day. Then he feels cold air blowing across him just as sharp teeth clamp onto his shoulder. Pleasepleaseplease let it be Raging Raccoon back for another round! Brandt screams and Dad comes running in. He examines the shoulder (no marks) and checks the room (no vengeful critters). He chalks it up to Brandt being nervous about school and having nightmares because of it. Thanks, doc.

When Brandt comes downstairs the next morning, he meets Mrs. Nordstrom, the housekeeper who made an appearance in the first book. Mr. Hankers recommended her to Mom and she was hired on the spot. Hankers...Nordstrom...could they too be ghostly? Do I care? Eh. Brandt talks to his parents about his unpleasant experience the night before and suggests it was a spirit and the house is haunted. Mom and Dad basically roll their eyes at that and yet Brandt begs them to check it out as if they have Ghostbusters on speed dial.

Brandt finally leaves for school and meets a girl named Abbie Ayler on the sidewalk. They talk for a bit and he learns that Abbie goes to Darwin Academy (an girl's school) and likes to talk about the creepy crap that goes down on Fear Street. She tells him about the twins that lived in house before and that she heard that one of them died inside the house. Brandt just thinks about how cute she is. *sigh* He happens to glance up and sees what appears to be his father's body hanging in the window. Abbie sees it too and screams. Brandt runs upstairs and is shocked to find his father very much alive. The figure in the window? "A suit! It's only a suit!" Excellent sleuthing, Columbo. Relieved that his father isn't dead and hanging in a window like a forgotten muu muu, Brandt asks Abbie out for Saturday afternoon (they're going to "study". Unless Brandt's "condition" acts up.) and runs off for an exciting (and excruciating) day at Shadyside High.

Brandt is standing in line in the cafeteria getting hit on by yet another girl. Her name is Jinny Thompson and she also introduces her friend Meg Morris. Then they introduce him to a jock named Jon Burks who thinks he's awesome because he can spin a basketball on his finger. I bet Raging Raccoon could spin a ball on each paw. Suck it, Jon. Jon says Brandt should try out for the basketball team and Brandt agrees even though he never plays basketball. Jon then tells Jinny not to forget their upcoming date because he had to fight for his right to drive his parents' car. And by 'fight' he means he whined for an hour straight until his parents couldn't take it anymore and threw the stinking keys in his face.

That afternoon, Brandt shows up at basketball practice to show the team and Coach Hurley what he can and/or can't do. I'm getting high on the impending embarrassment! Even though the coach tells Brandt he's doing good, he actually kinda sucks and gets tired really quickly. Sadly, nothing embarrassing happened. My high was wasted.

After practice, Brandt walks home and decides not to tell Mom about b-ball because she would kill him. I assume this is because of his "condition" that no-one cares enough to tell us about. he dodges his parents and goes to his room where it doesn't take him long to realize there's a weird glow coming from beneath his closet door and the stench of rot is so strong it makes him nauseous. Should've washed those dirty Hanes, Brandt, you filth. He touches the doorknob and feels slime dripping from it. He opens the door and a heavy white cloud floats out and starts choking him. It doesn't get to finish, though, because Mom hears Brandt's shrieks of terror and rushes into the room where the mist immediately vanishes. Of course the mist was Cally who is after Brandt for reasons unknown.

The next afternoon, Brandt is back at basketball practice. YAWN. Jon elbows Brandt in the gut and he falls hard on his arm. Everyone freezes and stares in awe as a huge black bruise spreads over Brandt's arm. Jon grins a douchey grin as if proud of his handiwork. YAWN.

Brandt lays in bed that night thinking about his day. Then he starts hearing creaking noises from the attic and decides to play Nancy Drew again. Because he is an idiot. He creeps upstairs, turns on the light, and sees nothing except a notebook lying in the middle of the floor. MENACINGLY! It has Cally's name written on it which means it's her diary. Brandt doesn't mind, though, and immediately starts reading. He realizes that Cally was one of the twins that Abbie told him about. He reads the story of the house and Cally's thoughts on how cute Anthony is and how gross it is when people gets their heads ripped off which is supposedly what happened to the very first residents of 99 Fear Street. Brandt decides the house really is haunted and he was right all along. He wonders if Cally was the twin that died and his question is answered when he reads the last page which simply says "I died tonight." That never fails to amuse. Did she really need a written reminder that she was dead? Me thinks that's something you wouldn't forget. Except you can't remember or forget anything when you die. Because you're dead.

The next day, Brandt is sitting in Mr. Ross's chemistry class, totally spacing out and only paying attention to Jinny's miniskirt. "She looks awesome, Brandt thought." I hope he gets his testicles roasted on a bunsen burner. There's some arguing among Meg and Jinny about who will be Jon's lab partner and who will be Brandt's. Meg ends up with Jon and Jinny with Brandt. After class, Jinny confesses she didn't want to be paired with Jon because he sucks at chemistry and life in general and would have made her do all the work. Then Brandt asks her to come to his house on Saturday so they can get started on their "project". Uh...what about Abbie?

Basketball practice again. Jon shows off and when Brandt tries to do the same, he dislocates his shoulder. Coach Hurley pops it into place and Brandt goes off to the nurse's office. Jon smirks. I die a little inside.

As Brandt is walking home later, he tries to think of a way to explain to his parents why his arm is in a sling. "Fist fight in the student senate?" HAR HAR HAR! Except not. Suddenly Meg pops out of nowhere and Brandt screams "Stay away!". Smooth. He realizes it's only Meg and calms down. She makes a "joke" about it: "I know you didn't want to be my lab partner, but I didn't know you were terrified of me!" Shut up, Meg. She snuck up on Brandt to tell him about Jon and his horrible, awful, no good, very bad temper. "He got suspended last year for beating up a kid in Waynesbridge. The kid spent two weeks in the hospital." So you might wanna rethink your "study date" with Jinny, Brandt. Unless the thought of internal bleeding excites you. A moment later, Meg and Brandt are kissing. "She's really awesome, Brandt thought." What the hell? She tells him to come over on Sunday to hang out and he tells her that sounds great. She runs off to her house to record this EPIC event in her Lisa Frank diary and Brandt walks home. He spots Abbie and mentally freaks out because he FINALLY remembers he asked her to come over on Saturday too. He cancels with Abbie because he figures he's got a better chance of engaging in "extracurricular activities" with Jinny. Abbie is disappointed (WHY?!) but says they can reschedule and goes home. You're not missing anything, Abbie. A brick wall can give you everything Brandt can. And possibly more. Brandt goes inside with a big grin on his goofy face. "He had to smile. Girls were throwing themselves at him right and left!" I'm going to barf. And I haven't thrown up in two years. TWO YEARS, Brandt!

Jinny shows up on Saturday and it's pretty obvious she's disgusted by his house and the fact that it's on Fear Street. Well, this is all you've got to look forward to if you stay with Brandt. The parents are out at a faculty tea at the community college in Waynesbridge where Brandt's dad teaches so Brandt and Jinny can "study" for hours! Brandt shows Jinny his dad's collection of "tribal warfare" items and tells her "My father is an expert on ancient rituals." Then they go upstairs to Brandt's room where Jinny notices the pouch that Brandt wears around his neck. "It's a good luck charm. It saved my life once." He doesn't tell how a pouch of Lucky Charms can save you from certain death. Instead, he waits upstairs while Jinny goes down for a COKE. Brandt thinks about how awesome she is (his vocabulary is lacking) when he hears her scream. He rushes downstairs to find a lot of broken glass and a lot of blood on Jinny who keeps screaming "Make it stop!" Brandt's parents come in and Jinny calms down enough to tell them the glass she was holding just shattered in midair, slicing her wrist. They carry her off to the hospital where she's bandaged up. Brandt walks her to the door of her house and she says "Next time, we'll study at my house." before shutting the door in Brandt's face.

As Brandt is walking home, he notcies he's being followed by a huge shadow. He panics and starts to run. He's almost home when he trips over a tree root and lays in the grass waiting to be accosted. By a shadow. Yeah. But Abbie comes running up before the shadow can take Brandt's innocence. Abbie laughs at Brandt because he fell flat on his face and Brandt doesn't like it. She apologizes and they sit on the porch as Brandt grills her with questions about the house. She really doesn't know any more than what she already told him. Brandt doesn't want to talk about it anymore so he asks no more questions. "He suddenly wanted to be somewhere safe and warm. And he didn't want to be alone." Ooo la la. He asks Abbie is she wants to go to a movie, but she says she can't. She asks if he wants to go the next night, but he has plans with Meg. Finally Abbie just goes home and Brandt goes inside. His mom and dad call him into the kitchen where they tell him too many girls could be bad for him. Don't want to overdo it! Brandt gets pissed and stomps off to his room. Boo hoo.

Later, Brandt attempts to sleep, but the footsteps in the attic are too distracting. Eventually he goes up there and once again finds nothing but Cally's diary. It's open to a fresh page and on it are the words "I made Jinny bleed. Abbie is next." Brandt is horrified and only becomes MORE so when he sees that it's Cally's writing. His response is to throw the diary against the wall. "I know there's evil in this house. But if anyone can beat it, I can." Is that part of your "condition"?

The next day, Brandt tells Meg about the diary. She just says it's weird and has to be someone playing a joke. Who could sneak into his attic every night without him knowing about it? Meg isn't too worried about this crap and starts kissing him...until her cat Lulu scratches Brandt. The animals are really the star of this show. To make things even more uncomfortable, Jinny shows up. She's shocked to see Brandt and tells Meg she'd like to speak with her in private. Brandt ears them having a whispered argument and he can't resist shouting "Hey, don't fight over me, girls! There's plenty of me to go around!" Hey, don't fight over him, girls! Just gut him like a fish and leave his entrails out for the birds! After all, there's PLENTY of him to go around. Jinny leaves and Brandt follows shortly after.

Brandt goes home to his precious attic to read the dead girl's diary. There's a new line: "Brandt, you cannot save Abbie." That goes without saying. he takes the diary to his room and hides it in a drawer. He hears a muffled voice and something that sounds like a child crying, but he can't figure out where it's coming from. Then the invisible child starts begging for his mother. "Come get me, Mommy. It's so dark here. Come get me! It's me--James!" James is Cally's 9 year old brother who got trapped inside the wall in the first book and the family couldn't get to him so I guess they gave up and left him. Nice. Brandt remembers reading about James in Cally's diary and he rushes to grab a wooden mallet he just happens to have lying around so he can break into the wall. He makes a large hole and is greeted by the nauseating stench of putrid rot. Oh, and James's tiny skeleton gripping the tiny skeleton of his puppy (Oh Cubby! SOB!) who died along with him. "A ragged little pair of jeans and a shirt clung to the boy's bones." Too sad. Why didn't his dumbass parents find him? Brandt is now sure that the house is haunted by the ghost of James.

Later, Brandt shows his parents what he found. Dad thinks James is a poltergeist who has been messing with Brandt. Fool. Then he says they should call the cops so they can deal with the remains and get in touch with the family. Cally thinks about how sweet James was and how much she hates Brandt. "It's too late for James. Too late for me. And it's too late for you."

On Saturday morning, Brandt spots Abbie outside and tells her how great she looks. My eyes are rolling as hard as they can. They go inside and Abbie asks about his dad's tribal crap and about the island they used to live on. Brandt tells her about the islanders and how they drink animal blood to feed their animal spirits. Or something. Every time Brandt opens his mouth, I tune out. A moment later, the phone rings and Brandt runs to get it and hears Jinny's voice on the other end. But they don't talk long because Abbie is screaming bloody murder in the next room. A giant suit of armor fell on Abbie. Random much? Brandt drags it off her and she says it just flew at her. Then Brandt tells her that this was predicted in the diary of a girl who used to live here and the diary has had some new entires lately... Abbie just cries and says the house is evil.

The next afternoon, Brandt is attempting to go to basketball practice, but Jon is being an ass and won't get away from him. "Jinny and you--it isn't going to happen. You've got to remember one thing. You bruise real easily." Brandt isn't paying attention, though, because the shadow figure that once followed him home and practically violated him is now hovering in the hallway. Brandt doesn't want to be left alone with it so he tries to pick a fight with Jon. Jon just says he's a weirdo and walks off. Brandt follows and the shadow disappears. What is the point of having a shadows figure follow him around if it isn't going to DO anything?!

Later, Brandt rushes home to look in Cally's diary to find clues as to why the shadow is following him. Because it likes the smell of Axe body spray and Dippity Do gel. Then Brandt does into his father's study to search for a book that might have some information on evil spirits. He finds one titled "The Nature of Evil" which has some words for him: "Evil never dies. Those who do its work can be conquered. But evil itself never goes away. It only seeks a new vessel. Anyone can become a victim of evil. Even the kindest heart, the gentlest soul, is at its mercy." Brandt thinks that's what happened to Cally and that's why she's torturing him. He goes back to the attic and finds a photo of two girls and a little boy and thinks how happy they look and blah blah blah. The point is that Brandt doesn't want to have his life ruined like the Frasier family. Out of the silence of the attic comes shrill laughter. It goes on and on until Brandt can feel his eardrums melting and flees the house. Cally made a funny.

On Wednesday, Brandt is sitting in his house alone after school while his father works in the backyard. The doorbell rings and it's Jinny and Meg. Uh-oh. Jinny holds out a plate covered in aluminum foil and both girls say "Happy Birthday!" which makes Brandt confused because the last time he checked, it wasn't his birthday. Meg explains that they're leftover brownies from a bake sale last week. "They're not too stale. Only a little." Wow. They really hate you, Brandt. They all go inside to eat stale browniea. The girls can't resist jumping on those damn darts. Brandt takes down a blow gun when his father calls to him from outside. Brandt pulls on his sweater (the one that makes him look like Mr. Rogers) and runs outside, leaving Meg and Jinny to play with the deadly blow gun. Dad is standing beside a branch he cut, a branch that is blood red inside. Dad decides to call it bloodwood. Creative. He and Brandt cut the branch off and dark red sap oozes out. Then Dad remembers Brandt's "condition" and tells him to go on inside. Brandt does and finds Meg and Jinny lying on the floor with darts in their throat. Oops.

Meg and Jinny LIVE! The doctor says that they're lucky to be alive. Brandt and his father head home from the hospital and Brandt says it had to be the ghost, but his dad doesn't want to hear any apirit crap and tells him to stuff it. At home, Brandt goes to his room and ends up reading the latest diary entry. "No more Jinny and Meg. Abbie dies next." So Meg and Jinny are dead? What? Oh well. Brandt wants to warn Abbie and strangely, he finds her standing in the hallway outside his door. She walks inside, looks at the diary, and says "Why, Brandt, you've been reading my diary, haven't you?" OF COURSE. Abbie's (a corpse who Cally possessed) face contorts into a red eyed mask of monstrous EVIL! Also known as Cally. She says she's terribly lonely and plans on keeping Brandt here forever for company. Because that's how much she hates him. *sigh* Then she raises her hand and Brandt sees that she's holding one of his dad's hatchets. She buries the hatchet in Brandt's skull, but he doesn't die. I have a feeling we're about to find out what that "condition" of his really is. Cally is shocked and Brandt simply yanks the hatchet out of his head. "You can't kill me. I'm already dead!" Well, yeah, but...never mind. Brandt died two years ago on the island of Mapolo. HOW he died is completely ridiculous. His dad bought some darts from a Mapolo warrior who believed Dad cheated him somehow. So to get revenge the warrior came to Dad's hut one night and poured magical poison powder in the doorway. Then he growles "like a panther" in the hopes that Dad would open the door, step in the powder, and die a painful death. Over some freaking DARTS?! The plan backfires when Brandt comes to the door instead. Brandt tells Cally that it felt as if his feet were burning. The "fire" spread through his body until it reached his heart and he died. His father went to the local witch doctor who gave Brandt a new "life force" by killing a drifter and transferring that life to Brandt. Cally is happy that Brandt is undead and hugs him because now they can be together forever and ever. I THOUGHT SHE HATED HIM! Brandt looks over Cally's shoulder and freaks out: the shadow figure is back. Brandt asks "Who--who ARE you?" and the shadows fall away to reveal an old bald man dressed in white. It's the drifter from the island who has come for his spirit. Seriously. Turns out that pouch Brandt wears around his neck is the only thing keeping him alive and the drifter rips it off. Brandt immediately shrivels up and dies and the drifter lives again. Cally is sad because she's alone again. Apparently the drifter has no desire to hang out with mopey teenage ghosts. Good for him.

Epilogue

Cally is alone again. Cry me a river. She watches as Brandt's coffin rolls away in a hearse and thinks about how much she hates his parents. Ok... She decides to make life a living hell for whoever moves to 99 Fear Street next.

Conclusion? Only one thing made this book even remotely bearable...

Next time: "Night Games" Cover of night + pranks = MURDER.

Ghosts of Fear Street #1 - Hide and Shriek

Ready Or Not, Here I Come

The cemetery. That's where Randy Clay has been invited for a game of hide-and-seek - with a ghost. If the ghost tags her, Randy will lose more than the game. She'll become the newest ghost on Fear Street.

And Here I Am

Killer cover. Skeletons who rob children of their eyeballs and Fear Street merchandise are SO bad ass.

Anyway, Randy's family has just moved to Shadyside and the idiots decided to live on Fear Street. *sigh* Will the outsiders never learn?! It's Randy's first day of school and she's running late because she can't pick out an outfit. Her mom makes her wear a gray jumper and pushes her out the door. Apparently Randy's 7 year old sister Baby (honestly?) doesn't have to go to school.

When Randy finally reaches Shadyside Middle School, the halls are deserted. As she wanders through the halls looking for the office, she stops beside a bulletin board with a calendar posted on it. June 10th is circled and written next to that is "18 More Days Until Pete's Birthday". Who is this Pete? "He must be pretty popular if the whole school is looking forward to his birthday." Indubitably, Randy. Indubitably. (That word rolls off the tongue like melted ice cream. Especially if you say it in a Patrick Stewart voice.) Suddenly, Randy's Petey musings are interrupted by a boy who appears with a huge gash in his head is pleading for help in between bouts of...bleeding to death. Randy is staring in horror when a teacher pokes her head out of a classroom and demands to know just what the hell is going on. The boy is magically A-OK and runs off. A moment later, a girl who introduces herself as Sara Lewis and is dressed in old timey clothes comes up to Randy and asks if she saw a profusely bleeding boy come through these parts. Randy says yeah and the girl says that was Lucas and they're rehearsing a play. That blood shed was all fakery. That's fortunate for Lucas because no-one seemed too interested in coming to his bloody aid. Won't someone think of the children?! Randy eventually finds her classroom where her teacher Ms. Hartman is explaining the concept of a final exam since the end of the year is coming up. At recess, a couple of friendly kids named Megan and David introduce themselves and ask Randy to play softball with them. She runs off halfway through the game because she notices a lot of kids staring at her and whispering. She runs to the bathroom to make sure she doesn't have crap in her teeth or an oozing volcanic zit on her nose. Both of these are in the negative so Randy doesn't know what the problem is.

The next day, Randy spots an addition to the bulletin board. It's a sign up sheet labeled "Volunteers Needed To Make Pete's Birthday Cake. Sign Your Name Here." Once again, Randy can't believe this Pete kid and his REVOLTING popularity. How dare he! While Randy is pondering Pete, a popular blond (there's no other kind of popular in this town) named Laura comes up behind her and whispers "You better watch out!" And now we're in a prison drama.

A few days later, Randy is in the cafeteria searching for a seat when Laura strikes again. "Just wait. Just wait until the tenth." What's happening on the tenth (besides the almighty PETE's birthday)? Is Shadyside going to be sucked into a rip in the space time continuum thereby never existing? That's the only possibility I'm considering. Stick that in your bubble blowing pipe and smoke it (blow it?), Laura! Randy is freaking out over Laura's ominous warnings and ends up taking a seat next to Lucas, the one who greeted Randy on her first day with his massive bleeding head wound. Just pretending! They bond over Fear Street (Lucas lives there, too) and he tells her not to believe everything she hears about that unholy shithole even though it's all true and everyone knows it which is why not even the local cockroaches lower themselves to live there. And those dudes are NOT picky. Later, Randy is walking home from school alone...past the deep, dark Fear Street Woods. OoOoOo! (That's my ghostly shriek. Fear it!) Randy, being a complete fool, decides to take a shortcut through the woods. She comes across a small cemetery and forces herself to keep walking and not be afraid. But fear kicks in anyway when she hears leaves crunching and realizes someone is following her. "I saw a wrinkled old face laughing at me. An old man." Unfortunately, it's just a statue and not this gentleman...

Honk if you love Crazy Ralph.

Anyway, yes, the gravestone has a statue of an old grinning man sitting on it as if telling everyone that the bag of bones in the coffin below enjoys death just fine. A moment later, Randy hears a boy's giggle coming from nearby and she runs all the way home. Good plan. Giggling boys are not to be trusted. Mom is in the kitchen with Baby who demands to be called by her real name (which is Barbara) to establish her status as a fully fledged 7 year old woman. "BARBARAAAA!" Yeah, we get it. Thanks for bursting our last ear drum, BARBARA. Mom stirs the spaghetti sauce while BARBARAAAA! informs Randy that she's in love with her teacher Mr. Pine. So she does go to school. Hmm. After declaring her intention to marry and kiss Mr. Pine and jumping on Randy, Baby finally sits down to watch Batman, her favorite show. "My name is Barbara. Everybody has to shut up now. Batman's on." Ah, you make me laugh, Barbara.

The next day, Randy is in gym class hula hooping next to Sara. Sara asks her if she wants to come over Saturday for a sleepover. Randy is elated and says yes, but her good mood is ruined by Laura's foul mouth. "Better get in shape, Randy. Or else find a good place to hide." Does she ever give up? Randy asks Sara why Laura keeps saying things like that and Sara says she'll find out on Saturday.

Saturday arrives and Randy's sexy computer programmer dad who wears black rimmed glasses and tweed jackets takes her to Sara's house. Sara lives in the fancy part of town (a.k.a. North Hills) and Randy admires the house. Sara leads her to the basemtn which Randy also likes. "Our basement is like a dungeon, but the Lewises was all fixed up with a TV and VCR, a stereo, even a kitchenette in one corner. The floor was carpeted and travel posters covered the walls. Nothing scary about this basement at all." Everybody loves a travel poster. Sara introduces Randy to the other girls: Megan, Anita, and the twins Karla and Kris. They all lay out their sleeping bags and prepare to watch a scary movie while Sara makes some popcorn. They turn out the lights and watch Dracula which Randy finds quite creepy. After the movie, Anita says that Dracula isn't as scary as Pete which prompts Randy to ask just who this PETE is, dammit! The girls don't say anything which only increases Randy's curiosity so she asks again and FINALLY Anita tells the story. A long time ago in ye olde Shadyside, a kid named Pete died in the Fear Street Woods on his twelfth birthday. No-one knew how he died. He was "all shriveled up". They buried him in the cemetery in the woods, but Petey didn't stay put. One year later on his birthday, some kids are playing hide and seek in the woods and one girl spots Pete's ghost. He wanted to play with them, but they weren't having that so Pete took revenge on one of the kids by possessing his body and making him do horrible things such as running wild like an animal through the woods and eating nasty things. The boy shrivels up and the same things starts happening to most of the kids in town until they all start looking like terrified dried apples. The Dried Apple Disease. HORRIBLE! So ever since then, every year on Pete's birthday, the kids of the town go to the woods to play hide and seek with Pete who is always the seeker because that satisfies him so he won't terrorize the whole town. But whoever Pete finds first gets the privilege of being possessed by him for a year. Why? Because Pete is a whiny little bitch ghost who doesn't want to be dead so he forces a child to share their body with him. Randy thinks the story is a joke, but all the girls look genuinely scared. Then Megan tells Randy she's in the most danger. "Because Pete likes new kids." A moment later, the lights go out and all the girls scream. Sara turns them back on and finds her little brothers giggling over their trick. She chases them back upstairs and when Kris tells her they're adorable, Sara says "You can have them. Take them and Mom, too." Sara has CLAWS! The girls start talking about Pete again, but their attitude has completely changed. Now they're all saying the game is fun and it would be a shame to miss it and if you don't come, everyone thinks you're a total wimp. Randy doesn't buy into stories unless she knows the facts so she decides to investigate. How she plans to do this, I have no idea.

At school on Monday, Randy can think of nothing but Pete and whose body he must be in RIGHT NOW. Why doesn't Pete just invade a dog's body? All he wants to do is run wild and eat gross things...it makes more sense. But I guess that takes all the fun out of it for Pete. Any excuse to ruin a child's life! Laura passes by with her usual good word. "You're doomed, new girl." As Randy is walking toward her locker, she sees Lucas leaning against it. He starts talking about Pete and hide and seek and asks Randy if she wants to sit with him again at lunch because she's new and everything. Randy immediately decides Lucas is Pete. I thought Randy was the fact checker. Guess facts are useless when you've got a crazy ghost who wants to take over your body and turn you into a prune. Randy says she's eating with Sara and a guy named David Slater so Lucas walks off. Randy calms down and realizes she doesn't have enough facts to accuse Lucas of being the Dried Apple Demon. Make up your mind! Randy tells David and Sara about her theory and they just laugh, but David agrees to spy on Lucas with her later.

That evening, Randy and David head for Lucas's house. He comes out ad they watch him walking toward the woods. Randy hears him whistling a tune she recognizes as a funeral march which she happens to know a few words to: pray for the dead and the dead will pray for you, simply because there's nothing else to do. What the hell? Never mind. They follow Lucas into the woods, but soon lose sight of him. They hear kids laughing, but they don't see anyone. They both run until they reach the street and then laugh at themselves for getting scared over some kids playing. Fact: those weren't ordinary kids. Fact: you both know this.

During gym class the next day, everyone is pissed because they have to square dance. It's probably just so Ms. Mason (the bleach blond, perfectly manicured gym teacher for the girls) wil have an excuse to touch Mr. Sirk (boys gym teacher). Everyone is convinced she has a thing for his porny mustache. What an ignorant slut. Anyway, Lucas picks Randy as his partner which further convinces her he is actually Pete which makes her feel sick which gets her a pass to the nurse's office which means she gets out of square dancing. Yay.

That evening, Randy is walking to the bus stop with Karla, Kris, and Sara. They went to the movies and now it's starting to get dark. They talk about Petey before splitting up; Sara, Kris, and Karla get on their bus and Randy walks a little further to her stop before deciding to just walk home. Alone. In the dark. No, I don't know what's wrong with her. As she passes the cemetery, she sees Lucas slurping worms out of the dirt. Delicious. She hides behind a tree and waits a moment before running home where her parents scold her for walking home in the dark. What do you think about it, Baby? "Barbara!" Shut up.

The next night, Mom and Dad are going to have dinner with Sara's parents which means Randy gets to babysit BARBARA. What joy. When Mom tells Baby she can't stay up as late as Randy, she runs off crying and screeching. Someone put Baby in a corner! PLEASE! Baby calms down a little later and she and Randy watch TV and eat pizza and ice cream. Baby falls asleep at 8:30 and Randy starts getting nervous about Pete. Unfortunately, Baby wakes up about an hour later, gets pissed when Randy won't give her cookies, and starts screaming her head off when Randy calls her Baby instead of Barbara.Then she starts screaming for a different reason: Lucas is at the window and then at the door, rattling the knob. Randy and Baby lean against the door and scream at him to go away. He does and a few moments later, Mom and Dad walk in. Randy tells them about Lucas, but pretends she's joking when they threaten to call the police. Randy goes upstairs, leaving her parents with their precious Baby.

Saturday, June 10th. The dreaded day has finally arrived and Randy is freaking out. Her mom makes her go to the store for some ground beef even though she really doesn't wanna leave the house. Later, Sara calls and says the game starts at sundown. Randy tries to eat her meatloaf, but she's too nervous and Baby won't shut up. "My name is Barbara." *sigh* Your name is MUD.
Finally it's dark and Randy goes to the woods. Mr. Sirk is there with all the kids to wish everyone luck or something. Because he has no life. Before the game begins, someone brings out a cake, lights 12 candles, and everyonesings Happy Birthday. Fact: this is crazy. The game begins and everyone scatters to hide. Randy is just focused on staying the hell away from Lucas. She freaks out when she hears someone running behind her and she climbs into a tree. A few minutes later, David climbs up beside her and they sit in silence. Then Randy starts smelling something nasty like rotten garbage. She looks over at David and sees a stain on his shirt. A moment later, it starts to spread. David says "Pete's not so bad. I don't know why everybody tries so hard to get away. What is everybody so afraid of? Pete always gives the bodies back. I give them back as good as new." Randy stares at David in shock and he smiles at her with a mouth full of blackened, rotten teeth. She sees that the stain on his shirt is blood and she freaks out, knowing he's Pete and she has to get away. He tells her she can't run from him, but that's obviously a lie because that's exactly what she does. She makes it to home base only because Lucas distracted Pete. Randy tells the others that David is Pete (or Pete is David?) and he's after Lucas, but everyone laughs at her.Then Mr. Sirk (why is he still here? Seriously, does he have nothing better to do than hang out in the woods with a bunch of kids in the middle of the night?) blows a whistle and announces the game is over and everyone needs to go home. Kris says she saw Lucas jogging home which makes Randy feel a little better and she goes home, too.

At school on Monday, Randy hears that David is in the hospital and she assumes it's because Pete violated his soul. Later, she and Lucas walk home together. She confesses she thought he was Pete and brings up the worm thing. He laughs and says he was getting worms for fishing bait. In a cemetery? I thought he ATE one? Is he turning into a fish? Anyway, she also brings up the incident where Lucas rattled her front door. Apparently he heard Baby screaming bloody murder and wanted to make sure Randy wasn't killing her. They have a good laugh and Lucas says "You know, Pete really wanted you." His teeth turn black and he starts stinking like a decaying corpse and chases Randy into the cemetery. A whole gaggle of ghostly children surrounds Randy and Pete. They start calling Pete a loser and Randy chimes in. The ghosts form a swirling tornado that sucks Pete's spirit out of Lucas and puts it back into its grave. Uh, why didn't they do this years ago? Lucas and Randy vow never to play hide and seek again and both go home as if nothing ever happened, accepting the fact that they'll both probably need therapy a few years down the road when this repressed memory comes back to haunt their dreams.

Fact: this book really makes no sense.
Fact: worms are full of protein.
Fact: if you drink every time Baby screams "BARBARA!" you will be drunk within seconds.
Fact: the cover of this book has no relation whatsoever to the actual story which is a shame.
Fact: "99 Fear Street: The Second Horror" is up next.

Runaway

Book Description:

Shadyside. It sounded like such a nice town, the perfect place for a runaway like Felicia. Nobody here would know about her dark powers. Nobody would know what she had done. For once, she could be a normal girl. She could be safe. But someone in Shadyside discovered Felicia's secret. Someone found out about the awful things her parents made her do. Felicia doesn't want to run away again. But if she stays, she might lose control. And then people would start to die.

My Description:

I'm finally back. It's a Christmas miracle! Or something.

Felicia Fletcher walks into Shadyside on a rainy afternoon. She's never heard of the place which explains why she isn't screaming and running in the opposite direction. She thinks that Shadyside could be a good place to start over (HA!) since she can't return home, not after what happened. She also thinks about all the doctors that were studying her, especially Dr. Shanks. Yes. Dr. Shanks. Let that one sink in for a moment. Dr. Shanks (not a butcher...although I'm sure some would beg to differ! HAR HAR HAR!) is a bad man. We can tell because he has greasy hair, a beaky nose, and EVIL eyes. Felicia remembers a very scientific test Dr. Shanks conducted in which he commanded her to move a pencil with her mind. She nearly moved it right into his eyeball, but he dived away at the last second and the pencil stabbed a cork board instead. Felicia is horrified that she actually wanted that pencil to pop Dr. Shanks's eyeball like a juicy bing cherry. She realized the power she possesses is pure EVIL. Dr. Shanks didn't care that he was almost blinded. He was too excited about witnessing her telekinesis.

Felicia is snapped out of her trip down memory lane (a.k.a. Shanky Road) as a car almost runs her over. Damn teenagers! The car is a red GTO and the driver turns and pulls up next to Felicia to inform her that wandering in the road is a good way to be killed. Thanks, genius. Felicia admires his goatee and shaggy hair. We know this guy is a real bad ass because he has acne scars, muscle-y arms, and a barbed wire tattoo with drops of blood. WOW. He apologizes for nearly killing her and offers her a ride which she accepts. He introduces himself as Lloyd and says his friends call him Homicide. "Because I'm a killer!" Are you sure your friends don't call you Brain Damage? Felicia is freaked out by Homicide and asks him to let her out, but Homicide views this as disrespect and pulls out a switchblade. "I gave you a ride. Now you have to pay for it." This isn't the meaning of hospitality, LLOYD. He stomps on the gas and the car is going at breakneck speed, but Felicia still considers leaping out. She doesn't have to, though, because Lloyd crashes the car into a tree. He's bloody and unconscious, but after a few moments, it seems like he's waking up so Felicia attempts to get out of the smashed car, but she's trapped. She climbs out the window and runs to flag down a car. Apparently she didn't learn a lesson from her joy ride with Lloyd. Just as he starts screaming that he's going to kill her, a guy picks her up. He immediately says that hitchhiking is stupid. THANK YOU, Captain Obvious! Any other nuggets of wisdom for the girl who was almost killed and couldn't give a shit less about what you have to say? "Guess you're having a bad day." *sigh* Never mind. The guy's name is Nick and Felicia tells him all about her adventures with Homicide. Nick doesn't seem too shocked which is a sure sign he's from Shadyside. He doesn't bat an eye when she says she doesn't wanna go to the police. Speak of the devil...a cop car with siren on and lights flashing pulls up behind them. Felicia nearly wets her Tweety bloomers because she thinks they've found out about the deaths she's responsible for. (WHAT?!) But Nick pulls over and the car speeds past, much to Felicia's possibly urine soaked relief.

Nick wants to know what's up, but Felicia refuses to tell him anything and demands he drop her off at the Donut Hole. He does and Felicia feels bad about being so hostile toward him so she kisses him. He drives off and she goes to the bathroom to change into the dry clothes in her backpack. She orders a bagel and coffee and listens to some college lumps in the next booth talking about how Bobby (one of these guys) has to take care of Professor Jones's house and cat and how he can't go on a vacation full of debauchery with his buds. TRAGEDY! Felicia pretends that she knows the prof and offers to take Bobby's place. He quickly agrees, not even bothing to ask if Felicia is a kitty killer. He tells her that Professor Jones is gone on safari for the next month and all Felicia has to do is feed the cat, water the plants, and check on the house to make sure no-one is robbing the place or squatting there like Felicia is planning to do. He gives her $50, the house's address, says he'll be back in two weeks, and bails with his friends. Fool.

Professor Jones lives in a big Victorian mansion on Fear Street. Felicia lets herself in and is greeted by a big gray tabby cat. He collar reads 'Miss Quiz' because her owner is a professorial dork. Felicia makes herself comfortable...

The next day, she worms her way into Shadyside High by telling the secretary that the transcripts from her old school are on the way. First, what school would allow a kid to enroll without their parents present or without asking any questions? I mean, this secretary just enrolls Felicia in classes, gives her a schedule and books, and sends her on her way. Doesn't she want to know if Felicia is a telekinetic murderer who's illegally hanging out in a stranger's house? Second, why is Felicia even bothering with school? She's not going to be here that long anyway. You're really stretching this one, Stine. Anyway, Felicia is happy to be doing something normal and ordinary. At the end of the day, as she's putting books into her locker, she spots Nick coming over. He seems really happy to see her. Probably trolling for more kisses. Dry lips are more addictive than a crack rock. Nick asks where Felicia is headed and when she says "Fear Street" he starts acting all weird. He tells the age old story we've all heard before about how horrible things happen on Fear Street. Actually, that's all he says before asking if Felicia wants to get a hamburger. Smooth. He works at Burger Basket so the only reason he asked her is because his shift is about to start. Again, smooth.

When they arrive, Nick gets to work and Felicia asks his boss, Barry, about a job. He agrees to let her work this weekend and asks if she would be good with nights. She definitely is and a few moments later, she meets Zan. "I'm Zan. It's short for Alexandria." Zan is cold one moment and all smiles the next so Felicia better watch her back. When the girls are alone together, Zan points a knife at Felicia's chest and says "You might owe Nick your life. But he's going with me. Remember that." What a psycho. And what are the odds of Felicia being threatened at knifepoint twice in two days?! This confrontation triggers Felicia's power and suddenly french fry grease is splattering everywhere, the lights are flickering, and trays are falling to the floor. Then it stops and everything continues as normal. Zan apologizes for pulling a knife on Felicia and all is ok. For now.

At school on Monday, Felicia sits with Zan and Nick at lunch. They talk about work, the girls make fun of Nick's messy eating, and they congratulate Felicia on doing the job she was hired to do as well as she possibly can. They toast with Cokes because no other drink exists in Shadyside. Later, Felicia is at her locker thinking about Nick and her comfy set-up at the Professor's house when she notices an envelope taped to the inside of the door. It contains a note which reads "I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU!" Either Miss Cleo attends Shadyside High or Felicia is being stalked! Below the message is a photocopy of Felicia's driver's license which has her real name (which is?) and her address back in Ridgely where she accidentally killed those people. She notices that her photo has been burned away. Extreme. Of course Felicia freaks out and all the locker doors swing open and shut over and over again. Spooooky. Thankfully, this is the end of the day so no-one witnessed Felicia's EVIL power. She flees the school and runs to the Donut Hole where she calls Nick from a pay phone and begs him to meet her. Zan is off today so there's no chance of Felicia getting her chest flayed open and her heart cut out. Felicia sits down with Nick and tells him she may have to leave. After all, she's a runaway. It's in her nature to run. And lie. And kill. ACCIDENTALLY! Nick says he really wants her to stay and after a bit, Felicia feels better. Nick goes back to work and Felicia stays behind thinking about her past. "...the way I hurt Andy and Kristy. I'll never use my power that way again. My power to kill." This leads to a flashback...

Ridgely

Felicia and her friend Debbie are walking on the beach and talking about the amazing Shanks. Debbie is extremely intelligent which is why she is involved with Shanks's experiments. But her whip smart brain has not rendered her telekinetic and she is jealous of Felicia's powers. The two stop in front of an old, delapidated beach house and Debbie tells Felicia to tear it down. Felicia says she can't do it, but Debbie goads her on until she does. The house explodes and crumbles. Then the girls hear screams. They spot two cars nearby that they recognize as belonging to Andy Murray and Kristy List, a couple they go to school with. Debbie and Felicia run over to the rubble and uncover the maimed bodies...

Shadyside

Felicia shakes the memory away and hurries home. Once united with Miss Quiz, she realizes the door was not locked and she was certain she locked it before she left. Then she hears a creaking noise. Footsteps? She clicks on some lights and goes into the den where someone has trashed the place. They destroyed what few things Felicia owned and ransacked the Professor's desk. They also left a quaint message on the wall in what looks like blood but is almost certain to be red paint: "RUNAWAY! GET OUT NOW! I KNOW EVERYTHING!" Why don't you do something more productive than writing stupid anonymous notes and save us the trouble of plodding through 80 more pages? No? Be that way then! Felicia checks the entire house to make sure no-one is lurking about and after finding it empty, begins scrubbing away the not-yet-dry message. Once she finishes cleaning the room, it's nearly 5 AM.

That night, Felicia is sitting with Nick as he finishes his Burger Basket Bellybuster. She confesses she's been having nightmares and not sleeping well lately which is why she looks like a microwaved corpse. Then she blurts out some things about her past. Her parents are dead, she lived with her Aunt Margaret, and the local college was performing tests on her brain. She never mentions the power or the deaths because, obviously, Nick would be horrified and stone her to death in the village square. She goes on to say she felt totally alone in Ridgely so she ran away. They kiss (ON THE LIPS!), but Barry interrupts and they get back to work. Mercifully, Zan isn't working tonight. But at 10 PM, a knock comes at the back door. It's Zan and she's there to pick up Nick. A few moments after they leave the building, Felicia follows and hears them arguing. She hears Zan say "You watch yourself, Nick. I know the truth about Felicia. I know everything!" If only that were true. Zan goes on to shout at Nick to stay away from Felicia. Felicia is already freaking out over Zan knowing something so she races home.

The next morning, Felicia catches Nick at his locker and asks about Zan. He says she likes Felicia, but she's really jealous of any girls who pay attention to Nick. He tells Felicia not to be mad at Zan because she has had a hard time lately, but he can't tell her about it because it would break Zan's trust. Shut up already, Nick.

On Friday, after school, Zan asks Felicia is she wants to spend the night at her house and Felicia agrees. I'm scared! That evening, Felicia arrives at Zan's palatial mansion and is in awe at the house and Zan's room and rich people are amazing and blah blah. They eat popcorn and watch The Birds ("It'll scare you to death." Except not.) After the movie, Zan leaves the room for more soda and snacks and Felicia takes the opportunity to snoop Zan's shelves. She pulls out Zan's yearbook from her sophomore year and giggles over Nick's goofy picture. The next two pages are stuck together and Felicia slowly peels them apart. She sees a photo of Zan with a guy whose face has been marked over with what appears to be brown marker. But Felicia scratches at it and thinks it has the metallic scent of blood. Uh-oh. Zan comes back a few minutes later with nachos and Diet Coke and Felicia immediately asks where the bathroom is so she can scrub the so called blood off her hand. When she comes back, she asks Zan how long she and Nick have been together and Zan says since freshman year. Felicia believes that's a lie because that dude in the picture with Zan definitely wasn't Nick. Also, that bloody photo had a caption that was partially obscured by "blood": 'The Couple Most...'

At school on Monday morning, Felicia goes to the library to find the yearbook identical to Zan's. She locates it and finds the photo of Zan and the mystery man. The guy with her is Doug Gaynor and the caption reads 'The Couple Most Likely To Last Forever' (or at least until one of them finds something better). She recognizes the name and remembers where she's seen it. She walks down the hall until she comes to a plaque on the wall that reads 'In Memory of Douglas Gaynor'. "Zan's old boyfriend is dead!" Freaking A, Sherlock.

After school, Nick drives Felicia to the Burger Basket. Their shift starts in 15 minutes, but Zan doesn't have to be there for a few hours. In the parking lot, Felicia tells him how she came to be living on Fear Street. Nick thinks nothing of it. Then she tells him someone is stalking her and knows about her past. She also mentions the messages and he holds her against his flannel clad chest because he's such a MAN. Such a strong teenage MAN! But Nick feels guilty because he supposedly loves Zan. Felicia brings up Doug Gaynor and Nick says Zan killed him. ACCIDENTALLY! The story: Zan and Doug became boyfriend and girlfriend in 7th grade. They lived in bliss until Doug started getting bored and went on a date with a girl named Kathleen. Zan found out and lost her damn mind. One night, she and Doug were arguing on the balcony outside her bedroom. She started hitting Doug, he pushed her away, she pushed back, and he fell over the railing. Doug's death was rather nasty. He fell on the pointy iron fence that surrounds Zan's property. "Four spikes slashed through Doug's back. Another slashed through his left arm. The TV news said that he didn't die right away. It took some time." RIP. Felicia is horrified and begins thinking that if Zan was capable of killing her own boyfriend, what could she do to Felicia? Felicia suddenly believes it is definitely Zan who has been leaving her messages and says so to Nick. He tells her to get a grip on reality and she makes him promise to never tell Zan. Unfortunately, Zan has quietly creeped up to the window of the car and heard Felicia say her name and now she wants to know what the hell they were talking about. Felicia says Nick was just asking her advice about something. Nick says "I wanted to take you out someplace special. I thought Felicia might have some good ideas." Except she's only lived here for a few days and has no clue about ANYTHING in Shadyside, idiot. But this makes Zan's bitchy attitude fade and she apologizes for being so suspicious. They all walk inside and get to work.

Later, Zan asks Felicia to change the lightbulb in the storage room. Felicia agrees to and finds that someone spilled the mop bucket in the room. She decides to leave it for the messy slob who spilled it. She climbs a stepladder to change the bulb and realizes that someone cut open the copper wiring and Felicia could have been fried. She jumps down and runs to the breaker to turn off the electricity before anyone gets hurt, but before she can, Barry enters the room, pulls the chain to turn on the light, and gets quite a nasty shock. In a moment, the entire place is on fire. Felicia pulls Barry out, but realizes Nick is still inside with Zan and some customers. She goes back inside and uses her power to push the flames back enough so that everyone can escape through a window she shattered with a chair.

Felicia awakens outside about 15 minutes later with Nick hovering over her. She looks at the wreakage of the restaurant and can't believe how quickly it burned. But everyone survived thanks to her. Suddenly TV reporters are swarming and Felicia panics. Nick gives her his keys and tells her to take his car; he'll keep the news buzzards back. Felicia almost makes it to the car, but Zan has other plans. "Why didn't you just die?" She pushes Felicia to the ground and starts babbling about Nick being her's. Then she begins chocking the life out of Felicia. Will this girl never catch a break?! Nick pulls Zan away before she can do any more damage. Felicia sees them hugging and hears Nick say "Why can't you stop trying to hurt [Felicia]? She's nothing! She means nothing to me!" Felicia is incredibly hurt by this and puts Nick's keys in his glove compartment before beginning her long walk to Fear Street. So sad.

Once she reaches the Professor's house, she decides to pack her things and leave before something else happens. But she remembers that she taped the only photo she has of her father in her locker and she can't leave without it. She decides she'll get it first thing tomorrow and then she's gone. She has to leave before anyone else gets hurt...

Ridgely

Kristy and Andy are decaying corpses and they're talking to Felicia. And she's probably not even high! They say she killed them and they want to know why. They always thought Felicia was their friend. This turns out to be nothing more than an unhappy dream. Felicia wakes up and sees Debbie tapping on the window. Felicia motions for her to come around to the front door, then they both go to Felicia's room. Debbie says she just got away from the police station after being questioned for 4 hours about Felicia's powers. Good old Shanks told the cops all about Felicia and now they're gonna pin the deaths on her. Debbie tells her to pack a bag and run. Felicia agrees and Debbie lends her car and her apologies for daring Felicia to tear the house down. Felicia drives off, but she doesn't get far because her powers have flared up and she gets out of the car just before it explodes. Sorry, Debbie.

Shadyside

Felicia hurries to school to grab her picture so she can get the hell out of hell. Unfortunately, Nick interrupts by grabbing her and kissing her. He apologizes for everything, but Felicia says she still has to go. Then Zan appears out of nowhere, walking down the hall with a knife. She cuts Nick across the knuckles and grabs Felicia, holding the knife against her neck. Students scatter screaming when they see her, but no-one runs for help. Felicia makes the mistake of mentioning Doug and Zan flips out, but she admits she killed him because he made her feel bad. Just as Zan prepares to cut Felicia's juggular, the POWER! rears its ugly head. The tip of the knife bends back on itself, windows shatter, and lockers rattle. Zan is slammed against some lockers and Felicia commands Nick and another guy to hold her down. Felicia does nothing but grab her picture from her locker and run just as the principle and some teachers approach.

Felicia bursts into the house, grabs her things (or what remains of them), and flees. But someone grabs her arm...it's Debbie. Who wants to kill Felicia because she was on the news for her heroism. Well, no-one knows it was Felicia who saved everyone in the fire, but Debbie had a feeling it was her and it made her sick so she came to kill Felicia. Seriously? It turns out Debbie has powers, too. In fact, she used them to make her car explode in the hopes that Felicia would be killed. But noooo. Also, she never talked to the cops and neither did Dr. Shanks. She only said that to get rid of Felicia before Felicia's guilty conscience drove her to tell the cops herself. Oh, and Debbie was in love with Andy Murray, but he wouldn't leave Kristy so she killed them both in the beach house collapse. Felicia's response? She slaps Debbie in the face. Their exchange is hilarious:

Debbie: "What was that?"
Felicia: "That slap in the face you deserve!"

Justice is served! They engage in the obligatory wrestling match that occurs at the end of every Fear Street book ever written (almost)...except they use their massive minds instead of their puny fists. Debbie uproots a tree and Felicia snaps up a light pole, but Debbie destroys it. Debbie picks up a recycling bin and dumps the contents on Felicia's head. Felicia gets cut by a Coke bottle. Out of all the things that could have gashed her head open, it HAD to be the damn COKE bottle! Just before Debbie moves in for the kill, Nick comes speeding up. Debbie nearly beans him with a mailbox, but Felicia pushes her powers and Debbie is suddenly in a comalike trance.

Nick and Felicia are talking about Zan and Debbie ending up at an insitution (hopefully in the same room) and Felicia going back to Ridgely. She already contacted her aunt and everything is fine. Nick tells her she'll never have to run away again.

Conclusion? Not too shabby. Although double doses of psychopathia make my brain hurt. Unless that's just my powers coming to life...

Next time: "99 Fear Street: The Second Horror" Behold! The house of eeeeeeevvvvillll.

Still More Tales To Give You Goosebumps

* I meant to post this hours ago, but it's still technically Halloween so let's get on with it! *

Reader Beware--You're In For Ten Halloween Scares!

Will Charlie's recipe for pumpkin juice cause him some hair-raising terror? Are Dave's awesome ants biting off more than they can chew? Can Max's Halloween wish turn him into an endangered species?

1. Pumpkin Juice

"I screamed when I opened the kitchen door." Too bad it's only Charlie's friend Frank in his goofy alien costume and not something SCARY. They're going trick-or-treating together soon, but first Frank wants to show Charlie a recipe he found in Monster Brews to Bring out the Best in You on Halloween. He flips to a page with a recipe for something called Pumpkin Juice Supreme. He brought a pumpkin with him so they could make this disgusting concoction. Ingredients: flesh of ripe pumpkin, milk, molasses, butter, garlic, and chicken broth. (I'll give my copy of this book to anyone who tries that.) Barf-o-rama. They mix it all together, trash the kitchen in the process, and each have a couple cups. They both thoroughly enjoy because they're dirty little monster boys. Eventually they set out for a night of trick-or-treating. Charlie suddenly feels like he's starving and begins devouring his candy like it's going out of style. He notices Frank doing the same thing. Frank's insatiable hunger causes him to shove open a woman's door for more candy because she didn't give him enough the first time. At the next house, Charlie gets pissed at a little boy who tried to give him a stinking LOLLIPOP so Charlie shoves past him, runs into the kitchen, and starts gobbling eggs and raw liver. GAG. He stops only when he sees thick black hair sprouting out of his hands. As the little boy's enraged mother swats Charlie out of her kitchen with a broom, Charlie has an epiphany: "The booklet didn't promise to bring out the best in me. It promised to bring out the beast in me. And it worked!" Outside, Charlie slurps a worm right off the ground before getting into a fight in an alley with an incresingly furry Frank over a stupid cookie. They eventually stop fighting, go to Charlie's house, nearly eat his cat, and realize there must be something in the book to cure them. Of course there is and the cure is basically the ingredients for pumpkin pie which Charlie's mom has just baked. What a coincidence. After eating some pie, the boys are back to normal. Unfortunately, Charlie's mom drank some Pumpkin Juice and is now devouring raw hamburger.

Trick or treat? A stomach churning TRICK.

2. Attack of the Tattoo

No joke. That's really the title. Anyway, Jeannie is really disappointed in her Halloween haul. The only thing of any interest in her trick-or-treat pillowcase (NO BAGS!) is a temporary tattoo of an evil looking snake. "It was the coolest tattoo I'd ever seen." Then you obviously haven't seen many. She runs to the bathroom for a wet washcloth to apply the tattoo (this is really taking me back to the years when I thought Lisa Frank temp tattoos were the shizz. Rainbow unicorn rocks.) but the directions say "To apply, use water scorched by the sun." This is the morning after Halloween so the sun is shining bright. Jeannie takes a bottle of water outside, lets the sun shine through it, and dumps the entire thing on her arm to apply the tattoo. It works. What a waste of water. She's incredibly excited and bikes to her friend Maggie's house to show it off. On the way over, she feels something slithering over her legs. She screams and pulls the bike over, but sees nothing and continues peddling. Maggie takes a break from wolfing chocolate to admire the tattoo: "Jeannie, that is the coolest thing I've ever seen!" What is it with these kids? Turns out Maggie also got a tattoo, but hers is just a centipede. A centipede. A CENTIPEDE. Which is why she didn't bother applying it.

That night, Jeannie wakes up to three black snakes slithering through her bed. She freaks out, wads them in the sheet, and tosses them out the window. She runs to the bathroom to scrub the eeeeeevil tattoo off, but it stays put.

The next day at school, Jeannie runs to Maggie to tell her about the sun water, the snakes, and how she can't remove the tattoo. Maggie tells her to read the directions. Genius! After school, Jeannie finds the paper which reads "To remove, use water struck by the full moon." Original. Jeannie calls Maggie to tell her and asks when the next full moon will be. Maggie checks the calendar...the moon will be full TONIGHT.

Once the moon is out, Jeannie goes outside where a snake begins working its way out of the tattoo. Then another and another until Jeannie is surrounded. And the tattoo is STILL there even though it just gave birth to a bunch of full grown snakes. Hm. Jeannie kills the snakes with her potent moon water and rinses her tattoo away. Yay. The next day at school, Jeannie finds that everyone has applied their evil tattoos. Some dude named Zach has two sun water soaked tattoos for Maggie (a tarantula) and Jeannie (a rat) and he immediately slaps them on their arms. "Maggie, is the moon still full tonight? Or do we have to wait a full month?"

Trick or treat? A slimy, itchy, creepy, crawly trick.

3. The Wish

Max's shitty 15 year old brother Eugene has locked Max in a closet. He's screaming for help because he's going to be late for trick-or-treating with his friend Alex. Max's mom lets him out of the closet and laughs when he says Eugene locked him in. Parent of the year. Finally Max and Alex leave and Max thinks about how cool his mask is: "A long scar ran down one side, dripping with blood. Warts and boils covered the other side. Totally gross." Indeed. The boys cover the whole neighborhood and end up with loads of candy. Unfortunately for Max, Eugene knocks the bag out of his arms and candy spills all over the street. He walks off eating Max's favorite treat, a jelly apple. Max spots a house he and Alex must have missed so he runs over to get a little candy (some is better than none...although he could have just gathered it off the street). A nasty old lady who is nearly bald and closely resembles a skeleton answers the door and drags Max closer. She gives him a jagged rock as his "treat" and tells him "Don't throw away the power!" before cackling and slamming the door. A mental patient escapee. Always a Halloween favorite. Max runs home and throws the rock out the window after wishing he was an only child.

When Max wakes the next morning, things are very off. Eugene's room is a study and Max's school is missing and every person that Max comes into contact with runs away screaming! A group of angry adults begin chasing him so he dives into Ms. Greenway's pet store. He tells her he needs help, but she immediately lets the adults in and they trap him in a net. He sees the weird old lady holding her rock of power and Max realizes his wish came true and he should never have thrown away the power. Max is the only child on planet earth and now resides in a cage labeled 'Endangered Species'.

Trick or treat? A trick of epic proportions.

4. An Old Story

Tom's neglectful workaholic parents forgot to go the store again so he and his brother Jon have resorted to fighting over a few Oreos. The doorbell rings and Tom peeps out a window to get a look at the visitor. It's a tall old woman in a blue coat and floppy black hat pinned with a rose. Jon says not to answer the door because that old hag is a STRANGER! But Tom says she's just a defenseless old lady and opens the door. The windbag seems to know them both and introduces herself as Aunt Dahlia. She says they probably don't remember her because they were little when she last deigned to make a visit. She barges in and makes them cookies with giant prunes in the center. "Don't skip the prunes. That's the best part." LIAR! Dahlia sticks around for weeks which gives Tom's parents permission to work even more than usual since they now have a crazy lady who babysits for free and makes sure their sons are getting their nutrition by shoving prunes down their throats every day. One morning, Tom and Jon wake up feeling stiff and elderly. They're also balding and going deaf. Prunes really are the devil. Tom wants to go to the doctor to flush the old out of his system, but Aunt Dahlia says he isn't going anywhere. Her crusty friends have arrived for a rousing game of bridge and they're going to teach Tom and Jon how to play. The old crones flirt with the youngish oldish boys and when Dahlia asks if one of them will run out for some milk, Tom quickly volunteers. The cashier at the corner store offers Tom a senior's discount on antacids, but he refuses. He catches his reflection and sees that he's extremely wrinkled now. "I was turning into an old man!" It's the demonic PRUNES! Jon is also changing rapidly. "His face was wrinkled up--like a prune." NOOOOOO! Jon and Tom decide to search Dahlia's room for proof that she made them old. They overhear one of the old ladies say that she wants to marry Tom. "Aunt Dahlia was turning us into old men--so these old ladies could marry us!" EW. They still have the minds of kids, no matter how wrinkled and decrepit they become! The boys hear Dahlia say the old ladies can have them after they pay her fee. "Aunt Dahlia is selling us to those old ladies! She turned us into old men so they could marry us and move to Florida!" Where old boys go to die. The two find some anti-wrinkle cream; Aunt Dahlia enters the room and attempts to take it, but they smear it on and instantly become young again. After a heated chase, the boys end up splashing prune juice on Dahlia which causes her to disintegrate. Later, Tom's stupid parents figure out that Dahlia was in no way related to this family. *sigh*

At school on Monday, Tom notices that his crush Becca has a prune loaded lunch, courtesy of her old auntie Susan: prune juice, prune cookies, and prune on rye. Tom hands her a ham sandwich and tells her to run for her life.

Trick or treat? This story is a mixture of dirty tricks, mothballs, and PRUNES PRUNES PRUNES! The only thing missing? Any mention of Halloween.

5. The Scarecrow

Darleen, Scott, and Melanie are on their way to school, but have gotten sidetracked by the scarecrow in the hundred dollar scarf on the lawn of the old Swofford place. They think it's strange because no-one lives in the delapidated house. Also, the damn thing has an expensive cashmere scarf tied around its neck. Seriously. It's also wearing a red baseball cap and blue leather gloves. Coincidentally (by 'coincidentally' I mean 'not coincidental in any way') the scarf is just like one that Melanie has been coveting, the hat is like the one Scott has been looking for, and the gloves are the ones that Darleen has been admiring for a while. But the kids think nothing of this and run off to school where they're late and assigned detention. That afternoon, Darleen and Scott realize that Melanie didn't show up for detention. When they pass the scarecrow on their way home, they see that the straw man's designer scarf is missing. A moment later, Melanie jogs up wearing it, not remorseful at all that she stole it. She tells Scott and Darleen to take what they want. After all, anyone stupid enough to put nice things on a scarecrow deserves to get robbed! Neither Scott nor Darleen takes anything. Darleen does, however, get up in the middle of the night to stand in front of the scarecrow and admire the gloves. But her mom yells at her to get inside.

The next day, Melanie calls Darleen and says she has a horrible sore throat and asks Darleen to get her homework for her. Darleen agrees and leaves the house. She sees Scott wearing the red hat and he tells her to take the gloves, but she says she'll wait until after school. At the end of the day, Scott has become very rattled in the brain, confused and forgetful (has he been eating prunes?). Darleen drags him home, drops off Melanie's assignments, and doesn't steal the gloves because the scarecrow is too scary. Booga booga!

The next day, Scott is worse and Darleen decides to steal the gloves because she hasn't been paying attention to the irony of her friends' situations. She takes the gloves, the scarecrow grabs her and she passes out. When she wakes up, Melanie and Scott are standing over her. Everything was just their idea of a Halloween joke. (How the hell did they get the money for leather gloves and a cashmere scarf?!) Except the scarecrow is smiling now...and he wasn't before...and this ending sucks.

Trick or treat? A straw-coated trick.

*We have now reached the mid point and so far, these stories have tragically misfired again and again. Let's have a toast with our smelly cups of Pumpkin Juice in the hopes that the next five stories are a little better.*

6. Awesome Ants

Dave is at home with his friend Ben. They're doing homework when the doorbell rings. It's a deliveryman with Dave's giant ant farm from Awesome Ants Inc. The glass case is bigger than a pool table and Dave is concerned that he won't be able to observe the ants for his science project. Because ants are the most fascinating creatures in the world. Except not. You'd be better off watching the grass grow, Dave. The farm came with a box of blue gel capsules with instructions to ONLY feed the ants the capsules and nothing else. For some kids, this wouldn't be a problem, but Dave is a character in a shoddy Goosebumps book so you know he's going to do something stupid and instantly regrettable. The following day, sure enough, Ben and Dave begin feeding the ants people food such as cookies. A few days later, Dave realizes that the ants have shifted into overdrive. They're bigger and constantly moving. He feeds them some of his Halloween candy...and that is the only mention of Halloween in the entire story. Dave gathers a few ants in a cup to take to school to show his science teacher. The day after THAT, Dave arrives at school to find nothing in the classroom except a few giant ants. Yes, the ants have mutated and are now larger than the average human. Dave flees the school, runs home, and finds his yard infested with giant ants. One of them picks him up and places him in the center of a circle of ants. They force feed him a blue pill which puts him to sleep. When he wakes, he realizes he's been shrunk and placed inside the ant farm. His teacher Mr. Lantz and kids from his science class are also in there. Mr. Lantz says they better get busy building rooms and such. He tells Dave that this will be a great learning experience and Dave agrees that it will be "Awesome."

Trick or treat? Are you kidding me?

7. Please Don't Feed The Bears

Sarah is pissed because her family is taking a trip over the Halloween weekend to Cuddle Bear Land instead of Monster Mansion. Monsters are too scary for her little sister Katie, but Cuddle Bears are just right. When they arrive at the park, Sarah cheers up a little because her parents allow her to go on the Roarin' Roller Coaster by herself. She rides five times and on the fifth time, she gets the privilege of sitting next to a Cuddle Bear on his lunch break. After riding, Sarah goes off down Honey Comb Lane to meet up with her parents and sister. But she gets sidetracked by the pathetic, horrible wails of terrified children! Never mind--it turns out to be some kids on the roller coaster having FUN. Sarah feels like an idiot and keeps walking. She seems to be lost and ducks into 'The Cave: Caution. Employees Only' to ask for directions to the Hibernation Rest Center where her parents are hanging out and growing ever more furry-ous (see what I did there?! I can be a Cuddle Bear, too!) A Cuddle Bear named Kira says she'll help Sarah, but first Sarah will have to eat a bag of Honey Crackers (also known as graham crackers) so she does...and instantly begins sprouting hair on her elbows. She screams and flees the Cave. She didn't eat enough Honey Crackers to become a full on Cuddle Bear so she simply covers her hairy elbows and keeps walking. She finds her parents and sister and they all go home. Sarah's little sis finds a bag of Honey Crackers in Sarah's backpack (bad Kira!) and eats them all. Sarah realizes she'll have own Cuddle Bear soon.

Trick or treat? A honey flavored treat. Who doesn't love cuddly bears with an evil streak?

8. The Goblin's Glare

Mike is a great artist who has made the most realistic, repulsive goblin ever! If you consider construction paper to be realistic. Mike plans to hang the goblin by the front door to terrify trick or treaters. Me thinks he is overestimating the power of construction paper. He keeps saying it will give people nightmares, but he's the one who ends up having a nightmare. The goblin comes to life and tries to steal his soul or something. The goblins motives are unclear. Mike has the same nightmare the following day in class. Everyone laughs at him for freaking out. On Halloween night, Mike makes some changes to make the goblin seem less insane. It obviously doesn't work. As Mike and his friend Karen are trick-or-treating, Mike gets a very bad feeling and runs home to find the goblin standing in the front hall. We know it's waiting for him because it says it's been waiting for him. Magical prose. Mike runs upstairs, away from the goblin's gurgling laughter and brittle yellow fingernails, only to find HIMSELF asleep in bed which means this yet another dream. The GOBLIN'S dream and Mike is about to be eaten...

Trick or treat? What the HELL was this? It makes no sense! Trick!

9. Bats About Bats

This is becoming unbearable (another bear joke? Hell no.) ... Suzanne and Liz are walking to Suzanne's house for a sleepover. It's dark out and a bat swoops out of nowhere and dive bombs the girls. They make a run for Suzanne's house, but the bat stops swooping and the girls see a very pale blond girl standing there watching the bat flutter away. She introduces herself as Dorrie Morrow and says her family just moved into the neighborhood. Her parents are "bat scientists" which is why she's so interested in bats. The girls become friends and begin spending a lot of time together. One afternoon, Liza and Suzanne go to Dorrie's house. For some reason, they're shocked at the amount of bat paraphenalia in Dorrie's room. On the way home, Liz and Suzanne discuss how gross bats are and how much they hate them. This leads to the two hatching a plan to scare Dorrie at their next sleepover. The plan: Liz's brother Mike (the goblin artist?) will dress up as a vampire to spook Dorrie. Wow. Great idea. Or something. They have the sleepover and Mike scares Dorrie. Dorrie cries wee wee wee all the way home. But she forgives them the next day.

Halloween comes and the three go trick-or-treating together. Liz is dressed as a clown, Suzanne as a gypsy, and Dorrie as a praying mantis. Kidding--she's a damned bat. At the end of the night, they go back to Dorrie's house to sort through their candy. A bat flies in through the open window and attacks Suzanne's head. Dorrie grabs the bat and cuddles with it while berating Suzanne for scaring it. Then she tells the girls there's something in the basement that she wants to show them. It's her parents. When she said they were bat scientists, she meant it--they're giant bats in lab coats.

Trick or treat? Zzzzzzzzz

10. The Space Suit Snatcher

Laura is a psychopath who believes she can transmit messages into space with her homemade "superpower transmitter". She's at a yard sale with her sister Tammy who is pissed because Laura is wasting time looking at a bunch of junk that she believes will make her superpower transmitter even more super. *sigh* The man who's selling the crap also believes in aliens and takes Laura to his garage to see his old radios and canvas space suit. He gives the suit to laura and tells her aliens gave it to him when he was younger. The aliens told him if he ever wanted to see them again, he should just put the suit on and they would come. I think he made the suit of his old straitjacket.

That evening, Laura sends out her nightly radio broadcast for people of the stars, signing off by saying "Peace to all" in different languages. Suddenly she's interrupted by an alien. He tells her she will be kidnapped and taken far away to Ebulon. Laura freaks out, but her dad just yells at her to go back to bed. Is he not at all worried about her? Not because of the aliens, but because his daughter genuinely believes she's going to be taken away from her home to another planet. Again, another case of extremely crappy parenting. That's the most horrifying thing about this book.

The next day, all Laura can think about is the impending alien invasion and whether or not she should wear her spacesuit on Halloween. That night, Laura spies an ugly green alien scratching at her window. She screams for her parents and the alien disappears. Laura accidentally broke her radio when she jumped back in fear from the window and her dad says he's really sorry about it. Then he says the alien was just a dream. Or possibly the weirdo from the yard sale, sending transmissions through Laura's window. Right.

The next night is Halloween and Laura is too freaked out by the space suit to wear it so she goes as a praying mantis. Kidding--she's a damned radio. She goes out and is almost immediately accosted by a nutty alien in a space suit identical to her own.Laura runs, falls down, and looks up to see the alien revealing itself as Tammy who is laughing her ass off. She says everything (including the alien on the radio and the one at the window) was just a joke played by her and her friends. In the next moment, Tammy is gone and the purple blob who replaced her tells Laura that Tammy put on the suit therefore she volunteered. For WHAT? Before vanishing, the alien thanks Laura for the radio broadcasts and requests rock music for the next one.

Trick or treat? An intergalactic trick even though I found myself laughing through most of it. It's completely ridiculous!

Well, it's over. And I can state with certainty that this is the WORST Goosebumps book I have ever read. Someone actually got PAID for this.

~~~HAPPY HALLOWEEN to the beasts, snakes, young children, old children, scarecrows, ants, bears, goblins, bats, and space cases of the world!~~~