Cheerleaders: The Evil Lives!

Book Description:

Everybody at Shadyside High remembers when Corky Corcoran destroyed the evil spirit. The evil that attacked the cheerleaders. The evil that killed Sarah Fear one hundred years ago. No-one expected the evil to come back. No-one knew there was only one way to defeat it forever. No-one knew that the answer lay hidden in Sarah Fear's grave. Now the cheerleaders must discover the secret...before it's too late.

My Description:

Part One

 Amanda Roberts is as stiff as a piece of dry spaghetti. Really, she tells us so and that's how we begin this book...this book that will almost certainly dissolve into a heap of stinking doo doo by the time we're done with it. I just get a bad feeling about these Cheerleader books, man. Kick me if I'm wrong! Anyway, Amanda is a senior at Shadyside High and captain of the cheerleading squad which means she'll either be dead or certifiably insane by the end of the book. She's called a Saturday practice and the first couple pages are nothing but the cheerleaders making dirty lustful eyes at the basketball players practicing at the other end of the gym. Two of the guys get into a fight. YAWN.

After practice, Amanda, Victoria, and Janine decide to go to The Corner. Before they leave, Amanda stops to talk to a b-ball player named Judd. Then she turns to see Janine freaking out. She found a little black snake in her gym bag. Two seconds later, a dude named Brandon confesses to putting it there. DEAR GOD I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE BORED. (And I just sat through a three hour astronomy lecture. What did I learn? That I really hate Isaac Newton.) The boys start tossing the defenseless little snake around until Natalie (Brandon is her boyfriend...I think) smacks them in the head with the fact that it's a living thing and she takes it outside.

In the locker room, Amanda finds a duffel bag with a name tag that reads "Corky Corcoran". Inside the bag, she discovers a cheerleading uniform and a photo of five Shadyside cheerleaders. At the bottom of the bag is a small wooden box with a label attached: DO NOT OPEN. EVIL INSIDE. Seriously? No, SERIOUSLY? Is this what the Evil has been reduced to? The disappointment...IT BURNS. She opens the box with the other cheerleaders at The Corner. Inside the box lies a folded letter from Corky along with some other papers. Corky describes the evil that the Evil has wrought. The last line of the letter is "Destroy this box!" I thought Corky drowned the Evil in a toilet or something so how is it now inside this box? Before anyone can look at the other papers, Amanda's raggedy ass boyfriend Dustin interrupts. Amanda doesn't even really like this lump, but he's all over her like white on rice. She only stays with him because he's a basketball player and cheerleaders are destined to be with b-ball players. It's written in the stars or some shit. Anyway, she purposely didn't tell him she was coming here, but he sniffed her out. "I found you." Unfortunately. Dustin gabs on about basketball and Luke and Brandon getting in a fight and then he offers Amanda a ride home because he just assumes it's time for her to leave. She says she drove herself and they walk to the parking lot where she breaks up with him. YES! Dustin goes catatonic, but manages to drive away. YES!

At home, Amanda receives a phone call from a stranger with "a husky voice" so you know it's some kind of creep. "This is the evil spirit, Amanda. I'm alive. I'm coming for you." I wish. WE ALL WISH. But it's just Amanda's friend Keesha. She tells Amanda that Janine has the box and the other papers were instructions for calling the Evil. These idiots decide they'll conjure the spirit with some other cheerleaders the next night. They hang up and Amanda goes down the hall to talk to her sister Adele. Adele is in college now, but she remembers Corky from high school. She tells Amanda about the horrible way Corky's sister Bobbi died and Adele asks Amanda if she's done something to disturb the Evil. Amanda lies and I cries.

The next afternoon, Amanda decides that the box must be destroyed. When she enters the gym for cheer practice, she hears Keesha scream "She's killing her!" Natalie and Janine are beating the shit out of each other which is just so great. The other girls break it up and ask why they were fighting. Natalie's boyfriend (Luke? Brandon? I can't remember and can't be bothered with caring because they all SUCK.) will be playing in a basketball game on Friday while Janine's boyfriend will be bench warming. Apparently Natalie was gloating about it and Janine jumped her. I can't think of a dumber reason for a fight. Practice goes on as usual and at the end, Amanda sees Dustin sitting in the bleachers with an odd look on his face. The kind of look a wolf gets just before it devours a baby bunny's still beating heart.

That evening, Amanda is walking to fellow cheerleader Victoria's house to conjure the evil spirit even though she decided earlier to destroy the freaking box. Evil is gonna get buck wild tonight, kids. Stupid cheerleaders. Before Amanda can get to Victoria's, Dustin pops out of the bushes like a psychotic jack-in-the-box. He wants to "talk". He brings up her crush on Judd and blames that on their break-up and not the fact that he's a nutjob. Amanda ends up running hard to Victoria's house to get away from him. Teenage romance gives me bleeding ulcers.

When Amanda arrives at Victoria's, she's surprised that all the lights are out except for a bunch of black candles. The girls are just preparing to conjure their evil spirit friend which will cast them all into a hell on earth. What, Fear Street not enough for you, hmm? Damn gourd heads. Anyway, Amanda gets really pissed off at the fact that the other girls seem to think it's a big joke. She tells them what Adele told her earlier, but the girls brush it off. The more hysterical Amanda becomes, the funnier they think it is. Of course, in the end, Amanda goes along with them because it's illegal to have a mind of your own. Janine gets the pages with the evil conjuring words and everyone sits in a circle to chant them. A moment later, 2 bright lights flash, the kitchen door bangs open, and a dark figure enters. AIEEE! Never mind...it's just Judd and Brandon. Judd promptly faints like an old lady with vapors. When he wakes up, he says he gets dehydrated after basketball practice. Victoria gives him some orange Gatorade (WHERE'S MY COKE?) while Amanda silently ponders whether it was dehydration or something EVIL that caused Judd to pass out. Personally, I blame his tight little corset.

It is now Friday night and the cheerleaders are at a game. The Shadyside Tigers are playing the Lincoln Hornets. Natalie's boy toy Luke has the ball, but he's not going for the basket. Luke starts to run up the bleacher stairs but trips and slams his head on the edge of a seat. Amanda notices something lying next to him. "The "thing" was the top of Luke's head. His skull. His hair. His scalp--completely torn off." Does this mean the Hornets win?

Part Two

 Four days later, everyone attends Luke's funeral. Afterward, Brandon, Victoria, Keesha, Natalie, Janine, and Amanda hang out at Amanda's house where Natalie accuses Janine of being happy that Luke is dead because now Janine's boyfriend Brandon will get Luke's place on the basketball team. Yes, she IS serious. Natalie runs out of the house and BRANDON of all people decides to go after her. Suspicious? Indeed.

The doorbell rings a few minutes later. It's Judd looking for Brandon. Amanda tells him Brandon isn't there and invites him inside. He goes in and they all talk about Luke some more. Judd tells them they're dedicating Friday night's game to Luke. Soon, all the girls leave and Amanda is conveniently alone with Judd. They kiss and Judd confesses he felt as if he were possessed or something the day Luke died. Amanda thinks it must be the Evil coming through.

After school on Friday, the gym is packed for a pep rally. Janine is depressed about the Natalie situation, but all Natalie is thinking about is the Evil. She wants to tell the principal that they conjured it. WHY? So they can be laughed out of her office? How will that help? The girls start their cheering and afterward, Ms. Oakley (the principal) gives a speech about Luke. Then more cheering. But this time, no-one in the crowd is cheering along. They're all completely losing their shit because Natalie's face and skull are cracking apart, blood pooling at her feet. Everyone flees the gym as the basketball coach covers Natalie's now lifeless body with a piece of canvas. Amanda sees Janine staring down at the body a little too calmly. Automatically, Amanda assumes that Janine is possessed by the Evil and therefore accidentally killed Luke and Natalie. Janine walks over to Amanda and leads her to the locker room. Janine says she's terrified and they really must have brought the Evil back because the tops of heads aren't supposed to pop off and faces shouldn't just crack open like that! The girls think about how they can get rid of the Evil. Amanda remembers that Corky wrote that everything began in the Fear Street Cemetery so they should probably go there...to do stuff...or something. They decide to go now even though it's getting dark and Fear Street sucks even more at night.

The girls stumble through the cemetery searching for Sarah Fear's grave. They soon find it and are shocked to see that the grave has been dug up and the moldy coffin is wide open and empty. DUN DUN DUN! The girls don't have time to examine the grave because they hear someone coming. They run and come face to face with frigging Dustin. He confesses that he followed them here because he's losing more of his mind everyday. Dustin says he wants to talk, but Amanda just wants to leave and says they can talk later. But noooooo. Dustin just stands there so Amanda tries to run around him. She slips and falls into Sarah Fear's stinking grave. She understandably freaks the hell out and attempts to grab Dustin's hand so he can pull her out, but she falls backward and Dustin's face grows smaller and smaller as she falls...and falls...and falls. Somehow.

Part Three

 Amanda swirls through the worm hole at the bottom of the grave until she lands in an old timey town. She immediately spots two girls talking. They refer to each other as Sarah and Jane so Amanda assumes one is Sarah Fear. Sarah rants to her red haired friend Jane about how pissed she is about being forced to marry Thomas Fear and how lucky Jane is to be traveling to London soon. Then Sarah talks about the plan she and Jane recently developed. Since Sarah has never even met Thomas Fear, she's going to send Jane to Shadyside in her place. Jane will pretend to be Sarah, marry Thomas, and the real Sarah can pretend none of this ever happened as she flits gaily through the streets of London (is this during the time of Jack the Ripper?). The two ride off in a carriage while Amanda stays behind to black out. She wakes on a ship that's capsizing in the middle of the ocean. Some girls have all the luck. Sarah is standing at the railing with the other passengers, whining about how she could be on her honeymoon with Thomas Fear rather than facing a watery grave. Amanda and Sarah are thrown overboard and Sarah drowns. Amanda is underwater with her and watches as a green liquid comes spewing out of Sarah's mouth. "It's the Evil!" My friend!

Part Four

 Amanda wakes at the bottom of Sarah Fear's grave. She's soaking wet with Evil water. Dustin drags her out (how long was she gone?) and she tells him and Janine that she travelled back in time. She explains everything including the fact that "Sarah Fear" was actually "Jane Hardy". Janine and Dustin think she's crazy because she was only in the grave for a few seconds. Are they not wondering how she became drenching wet? Janine drives Amanda home and when Amanda gets out of the car, she sees muddy footprints leading to her house. Amanda goes upstairs (she's...HOME ALONE) and hears someone in her bedroom say "Amanda. Come in." She peeks inside and stares at a rotting half corpse, half skeleton thing that goes by the name Sarah Fear. "Come in, Amanda. We must hurry. You and I are going to trade places now." Oh GAWWWWD. Except Amanda just imagined that. She goes into her room where she finds a wet and muddy note from Sarah Fear. "You and your friends have awakened a great Evil. The Evil takes pleasure in killing. You are next, Amanda." Amanda hurries and changes her clothes so she can go to Janine's house because she's the one will all the Evil paperwork. She opens the front door and Judd is standing there with MUDDY SHOES. No! Yes! NOOO! Amanda is instantly convinced the Evil is inside Judd. She flips out and practically shoves him out, saying she's gotta get to Janine's. He offers to drive her and she goes because...she's an idiot? They near Janine's house and see her pulling away in her car with Brandon. Judd follows them and they end up at the cemetery. Amanda leaps out of the car to get away from Judd even though it's probably the other two she needs to worry about. Amanda sees Janine and Brandon near Sarah Fear's grave. She grabs Janine and tells her the Evil is in Judd. He's right behind her when she says it and he's hurt, man, he's real hurt. Amanda changes her mind about Judd when she sees Brandon's eyes glowing bright green. Green is the color of EVIL. Brandon ends up killing Judd and Amanda beats Brandon with a tree branch intil he falls unconscious into the grave. Then Sarah Fear shows up. *sigh* What a circus. Janine and Amanda run, but they turn to look just as Brandon leaps out of the grave and attacks the ragged corpse of Sarah Fear. Amanda realizes that the corpse is Jane and the real Sarah's spirit is in Brandon. The corpse shoves Brandon who grabs Amanda who shoves Brandon who pulls Amanda into the grave with him. (Half of my brain cells just disintegrated.)

Part Five

 Amanda wakes (I feel like I've typed that 500 times) to realize that she's back on that sinking ship. WINNER. This time, Sarah and Jane are there...and Brandon. The two girls are fighting because Sarah is a bitch who possessed anyone she could after she died. They struggle and Jane pulls Sarah overboard. They both drown.

Amanda wakes (AGAIN!) in a hospital where Janine acts completely confused when Amanda mentions the Evil and Luke and Natalie dying. She says Luke and Natalie are fine and she's never heard of a Sarah Fear. Amanda asks to see Brandon who has the same memories as Amanda. Then they both look at each other with glowing green eyes and Amanda says "We can't rest. You and I have so much work to do!" Shit.

Conclusion? NO. If you value any shred of your intelligence, you will not read this book. I repeat, DO NOT READ THIS BOOK. I am absolutely dumber for it.

Next time: "The Babysitter III" I will never understand how there are FOUR of these things...

Seniors #8 - Sweetheart, Evil Heart

Book Description:

Ty Sullivan thinks he's so hot. Especially since he's seeing three girls - all at the same time. And when Ty gets a valentine from the mysterious Amy, he decides to go out with her, too. But Amy isn't like the other girls... She's dead.

My Description:

We begin this tale of heartache and woe with Ty Sullivan bragging to his friend Mickey about what a stud he is. "I'm telling you, Mickey. I'm a wanted man." If you've read the other Seniors recaps on this here blog, you know that I loathe Ty Sullivan with the fiery heat of a thousand equatorial suns. Honestly, I can't remember why (I think it's mostly that he's a smug arrogant turd) but that doesn't matter. The hatred LIVES! Anyway, Ty is a jackass who is dating Phoebe Yamura, Trisha Conrad, and Marla Newman, all three of whom need their asses kicked to a pulp for letting this idiot manipulate them. (I'm not even on the third page and I'm already slamming my face into the wall. This one's gonna be a heartbreaker, kids.) Ty thinks about his gorgeous girlfriends and how awesome he is. This guy is in complete ORGASM over himself. "I am definitely at the top of Shadyside High's most wanted list." Kiss my white ass, Ty. Mickey tells Ty to watch out because Trisha already has a boyfriend, Gary Fresno, and he's a real badass. You can tell because he fights a lot and wears lots of leather and tight, scrotum-crushing jeans (I assume). Marla shows up a moment later so Ty hangs up on Mickey, checks out his hot bod (YACK!) in the mirror, and runs downstairs to meet Marla. They head up to the attic to "study". That's his idea of a date. Making out in a musty attic while his 11 year old sister is a room away. Seriously, I hate you, Ty. He rakes the 500 layers of dust off an old loveseat while Marla conveniently loses her balance and bumps into an old desk, knocking out an old valentine that's been waiting for this moment for years. Ty picks up the heart shaped card and reads the note inside.

Dearest Tyler,
I've been waiting so long for you. I ache for your kiss. Write to me or I will die. Bring your letter to the Shadyside Cemetery and leave it under the old elm tree near the Fear family tombstones.
Love, Amy

This chick is way dramatic. Ty assumes this was written to his great grandfather a long time ago because his grampy's name was Tyler. Ty thinks Amy sounds hot. WHAT ABOUT THAT LETTER WAS HOT? Marla decides to leave after giving Ty a "long, sizzling kiss". She also mentions that the Valentine's Dance is going to be at a craptacular club called Red Heat this year, but Ty doesn't really say anything because he has three girlfriends and can't exactly take them all. After Marla leaves, Ty fingers the valentine until the doorbell rings. It's Phoebe and she's curious as to why she just saw Marla driving away. He says she dropped off some biology notes (and her sloppy tongue). Phoebe buys it and the two have a Coke while Phoebe reads the ULTRA HOT valentine. Then they make out and Ty thinks about Amy the whole time. He seems to think the valentine is actually for HIM. How would anyone have gotten it into a desk in his attic? If it's a recent delivery, why does the thing look as old as Methuselah? But Ty doesn't give a damn about pesky logical questions. He just wants his woman. "Whoever she was, she sounded like a real babe." Define 'real babe'. Because I don't understand how you're getting that, sir.

A few days later, Ty is driving Trisha home in his kick ass Celica. They're just coming off a date on the Conononka River. Can you feel the romance? Me neither. Trisha brings up the Valentine's Dance, but Ty says they shouldn't go because it could cause trouble. Then Trisha says she recently had one of her famous visions. In this one, someone from the past was chasing her and Ty. He asks if the person's name was Amy, but Trisha couldn't see who it was and now she's all suspicious about who this AMY person is. If you only knew...that Amy is the least of your problems. Ty tells her about the letter and says he actually wrote back and put the letter in the cemetery for Amy. "Just as a goof, I guess." You guessed wrong. Amy is forgotten a moment later when Trisha realizes Gary is following them. Ty makes some twisty turns and loses the stalker, but not for long. At the next stop light, Gary pulls up behind them, jumps out of his car, and starts pounding on Trisha's window and screaming at her to get out of the car. Ty gets out and tells Gary to get lost and he does, but only because another car has pulled up and is honking its horn because stupid teenagers clogging traffic with their fighting and dirty love triangles are so annoying. Oh, but wait! Gary was only PRETENDING to walk away. He turns back and shoves Ty against the car before telling him "You'll pay for this." Two guys from the traffic piling up come and grab Gary before he can really mess Ty up. Trisha ends up leaving with Gary and Ty rushes home to eat before going to Marla's. He's received a letter from Amy, sent through the mail this time rather than the magical dusty desk portal.

Dearest Ty,
I knew you would come. I knew you were my soul mate. Nothing can separate us now. Not even a hundred years. Please bring me another note.
Love, Amy



The next day at school, Ty is messing around in the hall with his friends. They seem to enjoy talking about the fact that Ty might get caught with one girlfriend by another girlfriend. They're quite jealous of their jerky little friend. Ty spots Gary at the end of the hall. Gary gives him an evil look and mouths "You're a dead man." Yay for death threats! Ty's friends warn him to stay away from Trisha for the sake of his health. Then they run off because they don't want to be seen with a doomed bilge rat.

Ty hangs out at his house with Phoebe after school because he's afraid someone will see them together. Phoebe points out the newest decaying letter from Amy and they read it together.

Beloved Ty,

Your notes keep me alive, even though we're separated by so much time. I shall always be true to you, my dearest. Are you being true to me? I am ashamed to confess that I have a terrible, jealous temper!

Love, Amy

This should work out well for you, Ty. Phoebe thinks it's someone playing a joke (as any reasonable person would assume) but Ty doesn't believe it. Too much lovin' makes you an idiot. The two loveworms start kissing but are interrupted by the phone. Ty answers, but there's too much static to hear anyone so he hangs up. The phone rings again, Ty answers again, and when a voice says "It's Amy...Amy. Ty, can you hear me?", he hangs up. Phoebe leaves a moment later and Ty is left alone to think of Amy and the fact that she might be a wee pissed off if she knew about his other girlfriends. This is the closest he'll ever get to guilt.

That evening, Gary is driving Trisha home and wondering why she had to go around with Ty Sullivan. He thinks it's because he (Gary) is too poor for rich Trisha, but she denies it. Gary drives like a maniac, scaring Trisha until she finally screams that she'll never see Ty again. Trisha manages to make it home in one piece and finds a nice surprise waiting - a valentine that says "Stay away from Ty. He's all mine now." He's all yours, sister! Trisha has a vision of some guy with a bloody head wound and she knows it's either Ty or Gary. Someone is gonna die. Eventually. Probably. Hopefully.

At lunch the next day, Trisha tells Dana Palmer about her vision and they talk about Ty and Gary who Dana declares dangerous. Or dangerously stupid. After school, Trisha drives to Gary's house in the shitty part of town. She finds him in his garage and she warns him about her vision. He brushes it off by saying she'd like to see him dead because he's not good enough. Then he grabs her and says he'll make sure it's Ty she saw in that vision. Dammit, Gary, SHUT UP.

That night, Trisha goes to Waynesbridge with Ty. Because everyone in this book is a foolish twit. She tells him about her vision and Gary's reaction. Then she mentions the valentine and shows it to him. He freaks out because it's Amy's handwriting. After the two see a movie, they come out of the theater to find all four tires on Ty's car completely flat and a bloody dead rabbit with a knife sticking out of its chest in the back seat. Ty is furious because he believes Gary did it. "If Gary thinks he can scare me off, he's totally wrong. I'll get him for this!" Liar.

Ty calls a cab for Trisha and a tow truck for himself. After he gets his tires changed, he drives to Gary's place to get revenge for something he's not even sure the guy did. Ty accuses Gary, Gary punches Ty in the face because he didn't touch Ty's stinking car, and Ty leaves. The whole thing is over in about two seconds. Ty goes home to find a new note from Amy. "I warned you about my jealous temper." It's written on the back of a photo of Amy. She's wearing a cloak and bonnet and some emo sad eyes. Ty realizes Amy trashed his car and thinks NOW would be a good time to end the letter writing because this dead girl is getting crazy. So he writes her to tell her not to bother writing anymore because things are getting too intense and he's too much of a wuss to handle it.

At school the next day, Ty finds a note in his locker. A note written in thick, dripping blood. "You're dead. Love, Amy" She has a way with words...and blood. After school, Ty runs into Phoebe in the student parking lot and they make a date for later, assuming Ty is still alive later. Ty goes home to find yet another letter, this one informing him that his cruelty is unforgivable and his girlfriends will have to die along with him. Ty decides to write her in an effort to save his worthless ass. He apologizes and says it would be better if they stayed apart. But Ty can't resist being an asshole and ends the letter with "And please leave us alone." It's signed "Good luck, Ty" Good luck? She's dead, moron. I think that's a pretty good sign that her luck ran out a long time ago.

A little later, Phoebe comes over and they do that thing they do. Until they're interrupted by Marla who claims someone just tried to kill her. Ty doesn't care. He's more worried about making sure that Phoebe knows that Marla is only here for her biology notes, nothing else, nothing touchy or tongue-y.

The next day, Ty tries to convince himself that Marla was attacked by a girl gang. No comment. Absolutely NO comment. But Ty gets a slap in the face when Marla shows him the note she received. "I may be dead - but you are next to die. Stay away from him." In the cafeteria at lunch, he sees Phoebe who shows him her own note from Amy. "He's mine, not yours. I'll make sure you can't have him. Because you'll be dead - like me." Later, Trisha also shows him a note from Amy. "I warned you, but you didn't listen. You didn't stay away from him. You will pay - and join me with the dead." Trisha wants to know why Marla and Phoebe also got notes and Ty tells her it's all just a dumb joke and she believes it.

A few days later, Ty calls Trisha to ask if she wants to go to the dance with him, but she's decided to go with Gary. Then he calls Phoebe who tells him she can't go because she twisted her ankle at cheerleading practice. Ty thinks she's lying because she's afraid of dying and he hangs up to call Marla. She can't go because she's supposedly going to her grandma's birthday party that night. Ty is alone and oh how he regrets it.

It's now Saturday night and Ty has just showed up at Red Heat for the dance. Across the packed room, he spots a weirdo in a bonnet. Looks like Amy tracked him down. Old dead chicks have noses like bloodhounds...and Ty sure does stink. Amy vanishes before Ty can speak to her. Then he sees her standing near the balcony staring at him. He runs up the stairs, but the moment he reaches the top, Amy is back downstairs. Really? Are we really playing this game? I feel like I just stepped into some stupid Abbott and Costello movie. When Ty finally catches up to her, she attempts to kill him by throwing him over the balcony, but before that can happen, Ty pulls off her bonnet...and sees Phoebe. Then two more bonnet girls appear. Marla, Trisha, and Phoebe pulled this prank to get back at Ty for screwing them all over. All the letters were written by them. Ty feels like a total ass for believing that a dead girl was stalking him. He makes his way toward the door and spots ANOTHER bonnet girl. She slips out the door and Ty chases her.

Meanwhile, Trisha, Marla, and Phoebe are feeling a little guilty over crushing Ty and psychologically scarring him for life. Girls, your guilt is tainting my joy at seeing Ty practically cry and wet himself so kindly cut the shit. As they're talking, they realize that none of them planted the dead bunny or slashed the tires. They just figure some creeps from Waynesbridge did it for no apparent reason. They head to the parking lot to search for Ty. They find his bleeding body at the edge of the road. "Ty Sullivan was dead." WHAAAAAT?

Later, the police inform them that Ty was hit by a car. The girls feel horribly guilty as they talk to the detectives. They tell them about the joke, but the detectives don't find it funny, especially since one of the valentines was found in Ty's pocket. The detectives want to keep them for more questioning and the girls are terrified that they'll be blamed for Ty's death.

Trisha gets home a few hours later where she has a vision. In this one, she sees Ty running and calling Amy's name. Then he's slammed by a car which just keeps going after it hits him. Trisha decides to call Gary just to make sure he didn't murder Ty, but he never answers the phone. GUILTY!

On Monday, the halls of Shadyside High are filled with talk of Ty's death. Trisha can't stop thinking of her vision and who could have possibly killed Ty. She sees Gary and he gets pissed because she's still thinking about Ty even though he's now a dead man, but he quickly apologizes. He says he wants to show her something and leads her outside to the parking lot. It's a new red car...the same color as the car Trisha saw plowing over Ty. And it has a dent in it. Perhaps made by the fleshy body of a 17 year old creep? Gary says he "borrowed" the car and wants to take her for a drive, but she refuses and runs away. She runs all the way to the cemetery and finds Justin Thompson (resident nerd) there as well. Justin is acting very strange. He offers to walk Trisha home, but she declines and he says "I like you...a lot. I bet you didn't know that." It wouldn't be so odd if he wasn't trying to moisten his desert dry lips the entire time. When Trisha doesn't give in to his parched passion, he says she should be grateful to him for getting rid of Ty for her. "I had to kill him, Trisha. I did it for you, don't you get it?" Uh, no, no-one "gets it", oh crazy bespectacled one.

Trisha flees but trips and falls which gives Justin the opportunity to grab her by the throat and start to choke her. She pokes him in the eyes, he lets her go, and promptly trips, cracking his skull against a gravestone. Justin died because he was a clumsy nerd. I now fear for my own life more than ever.

After school on Wednesday, a memorial service is held for Ty. I guess they just dumped Justin's murdering ass in a shallow hole in the woods. They probably let a roving pack of feral dogs dig his grave. Trisha goes home afterward and finds an apologetic note from Gary. Trisha loves him again since she's sure he's not a murdering psycho. Gary "spontaneously" rides up on a blue mountain bike, the ride of choice for all badasses who desperately want to look less like hit-and-run killers. Gary ends up telling her that Justin loaned his car to him on the day that he died. Very useless information, boo boo.

On Friday afternoon, Trisha and Phoebe are walking home together. Phoebe wants to take a shortcut through the cemetery where Trisha nearly met her maker. They pass the headstone that Justin fell upon and Trisha is shocked to see the name on it: Amy Fear 1872 - 1890. The End...or is it? (No it isn't. This is Fear Street, after all.)

Conclusion? That ending is just VOMITOUS.

Next time: "Cheerleaders: The Evil Lives!" These damn cheerleaders are back to end the EVIL! for good.

The Mind Reader

Book Description:

A bony hand beckons from a shallow grave... But only Ellie Anderson can see the skeletal hand. Ellie has visions -- visions of past secrets and future horror. Her visions have led her to the body of a girl who was killed two years before. Now her power may help her find the murderer...unless he finds her first!

My Description:

Ellie is visiting Alma's Coffee Shop (what about the damn Doughnut Hole?!) for a Diet Coke and a chance to talk to her BFF Sarah who works there. Both girls get distracted by a good looking guy who walks in and takes a booth. Ellie decides he's in college because he's wearing a sport coat with a denim shirt and jeans. So sexy, so mature. Sarah goes to take his order while Ellie drools all over the counter. Sarah comes back with a name: Brian Tanner. A few moments later, Ellie feels a desperate urge to get the hell out of dodge and far away from Brian Tanner so she runs off. Mind Reader AWAAAAAY! (For the rest of this book, I'm pretending Ellie is a superhero called The Mind Reader. Her mission: to protect the world from weirdos in sport coats and murderous males with a murderous gleam in their eyes and dried flakes of skin falling off their lips.

Ellie goes home and takes her black Lab, Chaz, for a walk. Of course they end up on Fear Street where Ellie mourns the fact that her visions make her life so much worse. She lost a friend and a boyfriend because of it. Once, when she was a kid, she saw her dog Jake being hit by a car and it actually happened. She found his little corpse by the side of the road. (Damn these tears!) Ellie decides it's time to go home, but Chaz isn't letting her leave so quickly. He brings her a strangely long bone and starts howling his head off, dragging her toward some bushes in the woods. Chaz has found what's left of a human hand. Good dog! You've just found your first corpse on Fear Street!

Ellie runs out of the woods and flags down a car filled with four stupid seniors from Shadyside High. She and Chaz hitch a ride to the police station where a condescending cop questions her story. Two words, buddy: DEAD PIG. Ellie is passed to another cop, Lieutenant Wilkins, who happens to be Sarah's father and he believes the story. In the woods, the cops find the big bone Chaz brought to Ellie. "That's no deer bone." What a relief. Ellie can't find the hand, though, and she gets a sinking feeling it was a vision. But she finally locates it behind a big rock because The Mind Reader is just that awesome. Sarah and a group of less important teenagers show up. Brian Tanner is also there standing off to the side and looking NOT AT ALL suspicious. He disappears a moment later. One of the officers finds a scrap of red fabric and Sarah collapses at the sight of it. She's fine a few seconds later but has no idea why she randomly passed out. Got a little something gnawing at your subconscious, Sarah? Don't deny!

The next day, some meathead named Frank Schuler comes running up to Ellie to talk about the night before. Ellie can't believe he's lowering himself to speak to her--he never has before. Frank's brain dead girlfriend Patty also gallops up to flap her floppy horse lips about Melinda, Sarah's older sister. Melinda disappeared and was supposedly wearing a red shirt the night it happened which explains why Sarah fainted when she saw the scrap of red. Ellie is fairly new to town and didn't know about Melinda. She runs to a pay phone to call Sarah's house, but no-one answers. Ellie decides it's Melinda's body in the grave in the woods. The Mind Reader don't need no damn evidence--she feels it in the gut...of her mind.

After school, Ellie heads to her job at the Shadyside Public Library. Brian (I keep typing that as Brain which we all know he isn't) shows up and asks if she can help him find a book on primitive weapons. He admits he could have found it himself, but he wanted an excuse to talk to her. Smooth. Or whatever the complete polar opposite of smooth is. They awkwardly converse and Ellie finds out that Brian attends Waynesbridge Community College and is quite possibly a creepy stalker based on the fact that he knows she's new to town. I wonder if Ellie's paranoia is marajuana based? Everybody in Shadyside knows everything about everybody else. It is their curse. So the fact that Brian knows she's new to town isn't surprising. He probably also knows her class schedule, her menstrual cycle, and what brand of toothpaste her father's cousin's sister's aunt uses. Anyway, Ellie finds a book on primitive weapons titled "Primitive Weapons" (what are the odds?!) When she pulls it from the shelf, she freaks out because in the empty space is a bloody knife! AIEEEE! It's only a vision, though. She lies and tells Brian her ear-drum-shredding scream was because of a mouse. She hands Brian the book and walks away. He calls her name, but she ignores him, locks herself in the office, and proceeds to lose her mind because she never told Brian her name. *sigh* Shut up, Ellie.

After work, Ellie walks in the dark to Fear Street to visit Sarah, but no-one is home. Ellie looks up and sees a grinning skull in the window. Apparently someone is home after all. Ellie hurries off to see if Sarah is at the coffee shop. As she's walking, Brian pulls up alongside her in his black rape Jeep and offers her a ride. He urges her to get in, but she has a bad feeling about this guy so she refuses and runs to the coffee shop. Ellie asks Ernie, the owner, where Sarah is and he says she never showed up for work. He walks off and frigging BRIAN pops up out of nowhere. Obviously his manly leather elbows are just too much to resist because Ellie is no longer freaked out by him and they talk. They have a few burgers before Ellie sees Lt. Wilkins walk in. She asks about Sarah and he says she's staying with her aunt for a few days. Ellie turns and sees that Brian is gone. Ernie says he dropped some money on the table and ran when he saw Lt. Wilkins. Verrrry interesting. Kind of. Ok, NOT AT ALL. We all know this jackass isn't guilty because he looks too damn guilty!

At home, Ellie finds her dad reading a newspaper with the headline 'Unidentified Body Found In Fear Street Woods' and tells him she found the body. He gets pissed because he doesn't want her involved. He hates the police because some psycho who should have been behind bars killed Ellie's mother. (He always told Ellie her mom died of appendicitis, of all things). They both have a cry and Ellie goes upstairs for a shower to wash away the sads. Oh, and the vomit she couldn't hold back. As Ellie is showering, she looks up and sees the bloody knife from the library. In the most awesome scene of the entire book, the sentient knife dives down in an attempt to stab Ellie. Blood is splashing everywhere (the knife is bleeding, dammit!) and suddenly Ellie hears her mother's voice. Her mom is trying to kill her from beyond the grave with a floating blooded blade? I'm in heaven. Of course that's not what's happening, unfortunately. A moment later, the voice, the blood, and the knife disappear and all Ellie hears is her father telling her that Brian is on the phone. Ellie tells him to tell Brian that she's gone to bed. She goes downstairs and asks her dad how her mother was killed (isn't it obvious, lady?) but he says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

At the library the next evening, Ellie clicks through the microfiche machine for a newspaper article about her mother's death. She was stabbed to death while two year old Ellie sat nearby in a stroller. The Mind Reader (who I'm beginning to think might actually be Brian which pisses me right the hell off) saw her mother die a horrible death but she was too young to remember or understand. Ellie suddenly has a vision and sees her mother saying "I love you" just before she died. SOB! (Seriously.)

After work, Ellie goes to Sarah's house because she believes she's there. Ellie knocks before letting herself in through the unlocked door. Sarah is lying on her bed, a complete wreck. The grave in the woods was indeed Melinda's and Sarah and her father are grieving hard. Sarah eventually falls asleep and Ellie takes the opportunity to snoop around Melinda's room. She has the beginnings of a vision but flees the house before she can see more. Predictably, Brian is waiting nearby and Ellie spills everything. Death and debilitating depression turn Brian on and he asks Ellie out. At first she refuses, but when he mentions rowing to Fear Island, she's all for it. Are these two completely deranged? They'll be near the place where Ellie found her best friend's sister's moldy remains and they're going to have a happy little picnic there? With any luck the free floating knife will nip that in the bud right quick.

On Saturday morning, Ellie sees a news piece about Melinda and learns that the cops are searching for her boyfriend Brett Hawkins. Ellie pushes it out of her mind: "Today is a day for fun." Yeah, good luck with that. Ellie and Brian (or is your real name BRETT? Hm? HMM?) drive to Fear Street Woods with Chaz the dog (a.k.a. the most intelligent being in Shadyside). They canoe. They kiss. They fill themselves with fried chicken and teenage lust. It's all funny sunny rainbows until Brian pulls out a knife to slice an apple and it looks like THE knife. This time it isn't a vision. Brian says it belonged to his grandfather, but Ellie only knows it from her nightmares. She says she needs to go find Chaz who has wandered off. Ellie gets Chaz and mentally talks herself out of seeing the knife as neon sign pointing to Brian as the murderer. They all get into the canoe and Ellie ends up in the drink a few minutes later. She panics because she feels something around her ankle pulling her down. Finally she frees herself and realizes Brian is nowhere to be seen. A fisherman is rowing toward her and then she spots Brian floating facedown in the water. The fisherman picks them both up (Brian is still breathing). Brian claims that he dove in to save Ellie, but the water was so dark with Fear sludge that he couldn't see her so he flailed around like a dying eel, grabbing Ellie's ankle in the process and nearly killing them both. Before Brian passes out he says he's supposed to be saving Ellie. He also says "Melinda" because SOMEBODY has to think of the dead girl.

Later, Ellie goes to the police station to see Lt. Wilkins. She's shocked at how old and shitty he looks. She asks about Brett Hawkins and mentions Brian, but Wilkins says he's never heard the name. "That meant that Brian must have muttered the name of a different Melinda. That meant all Ellie's fears about Brian were ridiculous." YOU BLOOMING IDIOT. Ellie's opinions on Brian change when Wilkins shows her a photo of Brett Hawkins--it's Brian. She tells him about her visions and mentions a buried knife, but decides not to mention Brian. YOU FEEBLE MINDED IMBECILE. He believes it all and they go to the woods where Ellie digs up a knife which Lt. Wilkins identifies as Brett's. FINALLY Ellie decides to tell him that Brett is going by Brian Tanner now and supposedly lives in Waynesbridge. Wilkins leaves and Ellie starts to walk home when she comes across a dirty Sarah who's wearing only a bath robe. She flips out and runs away when Ellie tells her about Brian. Speaking of Brian, he's waiting in Ellie's living room. "Ellie. Why did you show him the knife?" Because a person is DEAD, moron. After a bit of wrestling, Brian pins Ellie and tells her that, yes, he is Brett Hawkins...and that's as far as he gets because the police are at the door. Ellie runs to the back door because Brett tried to choke her when she went for the front. Lt. Wilkins is there and arrests Brett. Later, Ellie's dad passes on a message from a phone call with Wilkins: Brett escaped and is probably coming for you. Dad uses his last moments with his daughter to tell her that her mother had visions and she too was helping the cops with a case. She helped get a psycho killer arrested and in return, he brutally murdered her in broad daylight. Moral of the story: never cooperate with the law. Even after all that, Dad decides to drive her to the police station after all. YOU BLUNDERING CHOWDER HEAD. You spend all that time telling her that helping the cops will only get her slashed like her mother, but when she tells you it's her duty as The Mind Reader (irony: she's never read a single mind) you herd her straight for the slaughter. Worst. Father. Ever. Dad tells her to warm up the car, Chaz jumps out of the bushes and scares the hell out of her, and off they go! TO DIE.

At the station, Ellie conjures a vision...of blurry gold light. I've officially lost faith in The Mind Reader. A few hours later, after her father has gone to bed, Ellie sneaks out to visit Sarah who desperately needs psychiatric help (Lt. Wilkins = close runner up for Worst Father Ever). Sarah has locked herself in Melinda's room, but Ellie uses her muscle-y leg to kick the door open. The room is trashed and Sarah is pissed because Ellie dug Melinda up. Sarah hated Melinda because Melinda was perfect and their dad loved her more. So when Melinda decided to run away with Brett, Sarah helped her out and now blames herself for Melinda's death. Then Ellie has a vision about Melinda's grave and tells Sarah they have to go there because Melinda wants them to. Sarah grabs one of her dad's revolvers in case Brett shows up and the girls leave for the woods.

Once there, they start digging and come upon a gold button. At that exact moment, Brett steps out of the trees and says "What's that? Did you find the button?" Then the cops show up; a cop drove by and happened to see the suspicious teens in the woods and radioed Lt. Wilkins & Co. Wilkins is prepared to shoot Brett. but Sarah shoots Wilkins first. The gold button belongs to him...somehow Sarah figured out that Wilkins fought with Melinda about Brett and ended up shoving her. She hit her head and died so Wilkins buried her in the woods and tried to pin the whole thing on Brett. Make sense? Didn't think so.

Later, Brett tells Ellie that he's been on the run for a few years, but he was drawn to Shadyside because he saw Ellie in a vision. "I'm kind of like a mind reader. I have visions. Dreams--only I'm wide awake." Ok, that isn't mind reading. Why does this piss me off so much?! Oh, I know--BECAUSE THIS DAMN BOOK IS CALLED "THE MIND READER" AND NO-ONE READS A SINGLE FRIGGING MIND! Anyway, visions visions blah blah blah kisses FIN.

Conclusion? No mind readers in a book titled "The Mind Reader"? Stine just pwned us all...for which I will take hideous revenge.

Next time: "Seniors #8: Sweetheart, Evil Heart" Just in time for Valentines Day--hearts, candy, and a stupid arrogant asshole who's dating a dead girl and doesn't know it. HAHAHA!

Unrelated to Fear Street: an author (Josh Voyles) who actually WANTS my opinion sent me his new book, Sliver, for review.Step...away...from...Fear Street? I'M SCARED! (Review of Sliver coming soon in spite of irrational fear of real world.)

The New Boy

Book Description:


What a hunk! When handsome, mysterious Ross Gabriel comes to Shadyside High, all the girls want to date him...even the ones who already have boyfriends! Janie, Eve, and Faith go so far as to make a bet...which one of them will he go out with first? But then the murders begin and it starts to look like dating Ross means flirting with a gruesome and untimely death. Will Janie's dream date with Ross turn out to be the night of her life? Or the night of her death?


My Description:


Two weeks before the first murder occurs, Janie spots Ross for the first time. His athletic body, curly hair, and broooooooding eyes make her a wee bit hot beneath the collar (and panties). She sees Corky Corcoran and Kimmy Bass (everybody's "favorite" cheerleaders) giggling and shoving their way down the hall. This has nothing to do with anything. It's just a random observation which makes me fairly certain that Kimmy's crimped black hair wrote this book. Anyway, Janie is wondering where Faith and Eve are. The three girls were in charge of the committee for the most recent school dance and need to meet with Mr. Hernandez, the new principal, to turn over the money they earned from ticket sales and such. Little Janie doesn't like thinking about the dance, though, because her gorgeous friends had dates and she was lonely. She walks to the office to see if the girls are already there, but the place is empty. Until Eve comes bursting in with BIG news: "Did you hear the news? Deena Martinson broke up with Gary Brandt!" Why is this so exciting? Gary Brandt is a filthy whore who has a new woman every week and Deena Martinson is about as interesting as a block of wood. The bubbly mood vanishes when the two realize the money is missing. It turns out to be an incredibly stupid joke on the gullible Janie. HAHAHAHAHA! Fuck.


Janie, Eve, and Faith (whom the other two ran into in the hall as they were rushing to "find" the money that was in "Faith's" "bag" "the whole time") begin walking back to the office when Janie spots the new boy with blood dripping down his arm. The three girls run to him and he tells them he cut his arm on the fence beside the parking lot as he was helping a girl free her bike. Your story smells like rotten eggs, pretty boy. Don't play with me! I read the back of the book, you murderer!! Uh, anyway, he introduces himself as Ross Gabriel and Faith and Eve jump to guide him to the nurse's office, ignoring Janie who tells them she'll take the money to the office. "It's not fair," she muttered to herself. "I saw him first." Poor little Janie. I guess this would be the time to mention how these girls look (because that's why Janie feels so inferior to the other two). Eve has long luscious black hair and olive eyes. Faith has long luscious blond hair and blue eyes. Janie is short, blond, thin, and kind of shy. I have a soft spot for you, Janie. Everybody ignores me, too! *SOB*


Janie is counting the money when Faith and Eve walk into the office carrying on about how cute Ross is. Janie says she saw him first, but Faith and Eve couldn't possibly care any less. The two start arguing about their shitty boyfriends until Janie tells them they need to help her stack and band the money before Hernandez shows up. Ian and Paul (Eve and Faith's boyfriends) pop up out of nowhere and pretend to shove the money into their pockets. This starts plenty of gag-worthy play fighting between the boys and their girls. The door opens just as Paul throws a a banded stack which ends up hitting Mr. Hernandez in the forehead. He has a sense of humor about it, though, and no-one gets in trouble. Sad, isn't it? Paul said he stopped by to give the girls the key to the filing cabinet where the dance committee keeps its stuff. Then the boys leave along with Mr. Hernandez...even though I assume he's supposed to be putting the money in a safe spot. Fool.


Later, the girls come back to the office to give Hernandez the grand total ($1,241.65) but he's on the phone. JUST TAKE THE DAMN MONEY. He hangs up a few minutes later, but Janie nor the other girls can remember the stinking total so Janie runs back to the filing cabinet where she wrote down the total. She's shocked to find the money missing. Oopsy daisy! (I thought the whole point was to give Hernandez the money so he could put it in a safe or something? I guess I don't understand the intricacies of this book's plot).

Janie is totally depressed about the stolen bills. So depressed she can't even do her homework that night so she tells her parents that she's going out and drives to Faith's house where stupid Paul is also hanging out. Janie brings up the money and she notices Paul and Faith acing pretty shifty at the mention of it. THIEVES! Or not. Or yes? Only time (and about a hundred more pages) will tell. Then Janie decides to reminisce about the time she, Faith, and Eve broke into one of the hovels on Fear Street and got caught by the cops. Janie was relieved because she really didn't want to find ghosts or anything in the house. Two words, Janie: FEAR RATS. Ghosts don't gnaw upon your soul like those damn Fear rats. (The things mine eyes have seen!) What was I saying? Oh yeah. The subject turns to Ross. Paul thinks he's a stuck up jerk, Faith thinks he's cute, and, as usual, no-one cares what Janie thinks.

Janie hangs around after Paul leaves and Faith asks "So are you going to ask Ross out, or am I?" Janie is shocked because Faith already has the talking turd known as Paul, but Faith says he never has to know. Faith decides to be cruel and starts a bet: whoever goes out with Ross first gets $10. Eve calls a split second later and Faith gets her in on it, too. Janie feels bad because she's certain she'll lose, but Faith doesn't notice because Faith is a bitch. There. I said it. Seriously, Faith (and Eve, too) shows so little regard for Janie's feelings, it's hard to believe they're friends. As Janie prepares to leave, she asks Faith why she and Paul were acting so weird. Faith blames it on Janie: "Well, Janie, it's just that--uh...Paul and I know that it was you who stole the dance money." Oh HELL no! "April fool. I tried, but I couldn't keep a straight face." I hate you, Faith.

In chemistry class the next afternoon, Janie gets a chance to work with Ross. Ross says they'll do great because he did this stuff in 7th grade and it's just "Mickey Mouse stuff" to him now. You're dangerously close to arrogant ass territory, sir. But Ross sets up camp there when he combines two chemicals to make a "stink bomb" that makes the room reek of rotten eggs. The teacher removes the smelly tubes and the class cheers for Ross's stupidity. He tells Janie he likes to mess with people which she thinks is an odd thing to say, but oh well! She wonders if she should ask him out, but just as she starts to say something, he freaks out at the sight of this blond girl in the hall and runs away. Janie has no idea who the girl is, but she was staring hard at Ross. Possibly because he was acting like someone who had never seen a member of the opposite sex before? Eve comes running up to Janie a moment later: "Guess what--I win! I have a date with Ross Friday night!" Good luck with that...

It's now Friday night and Janie and Faith are talking about Ross and Eve and how jealous they are of her. Janie mentions that Eve borrowed her blue blazer and Faith says "And she's wearing those sexy red denims she saves for special occasions." Sexy. Red. Denims. Are you kidding me? No, really, is that a joke? Sexy red denims?! DENIMS! Faith changes the subject to something more serious: she thinks her parents are going to seperate because they're rarely at home at the same time and when they are, they spend too much time in their room talking. Faith, you really are an unbelievable idiot. She goes on to say she's pissed at Paul because he asked her for $300 for a new transmission for his car (net value: $2.30) and she's sure he only dates her for her riches. It ain't for your brains, smart one.

Meanwhile, Eve and Ross are sitting in his Civic at the edge of the Fear Street woods. Are we in for some dry lipped action? "He reached across the seat, pulled Eve to him, and kissed her. His lips felt dry and hot against hers." It never fails. Ross pulls away and says he usually doesn't make moves on a girl on the first date. (No, he just kills them.) He says they should take a walk, but Eve doesn't want to because this is the Fear Street woods and those trees are just not right. Ross doesn't want to hear the horrible stories about Fear Street because he LIVES there so he's probably heard the stories already from every human being (and a few talking dogs) within a 50 mile radius. He convinces her to take a walk.

On Saturday morning, a very worried Ian calls Janie. He says Eve never came home last night. Her parents have already called the police and the sexy red denim store to tell them their best customer may not be returning. Ian wants to come over and Janie says ok because he's whining like a baby. She calls Faith, but there's no answer so she calls Eve's house and talks to her sobbing mother who informs her that Ross is missing, too. I bet. Ian arrives and he and Janie go driving around town while Ian grills her about what she knows. She insists she knows nothing and Ian backs off. They go by Fear Street woods where Janie spots Eve's fly riddled corpse. Her skull is partially caved in and half buried in mud. Janie screams at Ian that they need to call the police, but neither of them is moving too quickly. Ian is in shock and Janie is too busy watching the pretty pretty flies buzz all over her dead friend's face.

Eventually they call for help and the cops show up. Ian tells Janie he believes Eve was killed because Eve stole the dance money and somebody wanted it. Then Janie tells him about Eve's date with Ross and Ian loses it. Janie takes away his car keys so he can't do anything crazy and when he demands them back, she throws them in the weeds. Later, they're dragged down to the police station where they see Ross. He tells them he was out of town with his parents this morning and just got back. He claims he took Eve home at 11 PM. Ian thinks he's a liar. And he is! I read the back of the book, murderer!

On Sunday afternoon, Janie meets Faith at Pete's Pizza, the perfect place to mourn your dead friend. Nothing says 'Rest In Peace' like a greasy pepperoni. The girls talk about the fact that Eve couldn't have stolen the dance money because she was so very honest. Then Ross shows up and immediately becomes infuriated because he believes Faith thinks he killed Eve. Faith spots Paul and Ian outside and goes to join them, leaving Janie alone with Ross. She asks Ross why he went out with Eve and he says she told him all about the stupid bet and he agreed to go out with her so they could split the $20 she'd win. He says he can't believe something like this happened, not after what happened in New Brighton (his old town). Guess they experienced an unexplained rash of murders that only ended when you finally decided to leave. Murderer! Out in the mall (was Pete's Pizza always in the mall? Does it move from book to book?) Faith, Ian, and Paul are waiting. They all believe Ross slaughtered Eve, but the focus soon turns to Paul's new transmission and how he got the money for it. WHO CARES?! There's a murderer on the loose!

On Monday night, Ross shows up at Janie's house in need of help with his French homework because he heard Janie is good at French. Afterward, he starts rubbing her arm and invites her to get something to eat with him. She agrees and suggests a place in the Old Village so no-one she knows will see her out with a murderer. But Ross's car runs out of gas about a mile from Janie's house and she's suddenly alone in the dark with a murderer who has murder in his eyes and even more murder in his heart. He says they need gas and he'll push the car while she steers. They reach a nearby gas station where Janie pays because Ross "forgot" his wallet. He says he should go by his house and try to find his wallet because he shouldn't be driving without his license. Janie is shocked he lives on Fear Street. Of course she is. Ross finds his wallet and they decide to go to White Castle for burgers because it's getting late and Janie wants to go home before Ross decides to decapitate her. Later, he takes Janie home where they make out in the car for a moment before parting ways. Janie goes inside and realizes she still has Ross's French textbook and decides she should really return it RIGHT NOW. She drives to Ross's house, but some old lady answers the door and says no-one named Ross Gabriel lives there.

The next day, Janie is determined to find out the truth about Ross before she falls in love any further. Gross. Faith doesn't think it's such a good idea for Janie to be spending so much time with Ross. She's heard plenty of rumors. Plus, he's a murderer. She mentions a girl named Jordan Blye, the blond that Ross freaked out at the sight of. She just transferred from Ross's old high school and knows plenty about him. Before Faith can say more, Paul interrupts. Apparently Ross has been arrested for MURDER! Except Paul is an idiot and Ross wasn't arrested at all. Janie spots him across the cafeteria and runs to him. She asks him about the house and the old lady and he claims that's his senile grandmother who doesn't know who he is half the time. He goes on to say he was at the police station this morning because the cops wanted to know about the missing dance money. They searched Eve's place, but found no trace and her parents' bank account is empty so they automatically turned to Ross. Which makes not much sense at all. Then he says he has something for her. It's a blue scarf that looks an awfully lot like the one Eve was wearing the night she was killed. Janie runs away and avoids Ross for the rest of the day.

After school, Janie sees Paul and Faith fighting in the student parking lot, but she doesn't intervene because violence is never very serious. Faith runs off and Paul drives away. That night, Janie goes to the mall and talks with Ian at the Doughnut Hole where he works. Then she goes home and calls Faith who has something to tell her about Ross. She tells Janie to wait while she takes another call. When she comes back on the line, she begs Janie to come over. When Janie arrives at Faith's house, the door is ajar. RUN. She goes inside and calls to Faith, but receives no answer. RUN. She goes into the den where she finds Faith who has been bludgeoned with a fireplace poker. RUN. She calls 911 and gives her info to the nice lady. Then she hears footsteps and tells the lady that she thinks the murderer is still around. RUN. The lady tells her to get out of the house. RUN!!! But it's too late. Someone is standing in the doorway...it's Ian. He says Faith called him a little earlier because she had something to tell him about Ross. He seems as upset as Janie, but you never know...

Three days after Faith's funeral, Janie gets a chance to talk to Jordan Blye. As the girls walk through the park, Jordan says that Ross's real name is Robert Kingston, but he changed it when he moved...after he killed his girlfriend. Her name was Karen Anders and Ross was never convicted of her murder because he had an alibi (he was off murdering some other girl so he couldn't have killed Karen) but everyone at school knew it was him. He and his parents moved to Shadyside so he could kill and kill again and no-one could stop him because the cops are stupid.

As Janie is walking home, it begins pouring rain. Ross pops up out of nowhere and tells Janie to get in his car. She refuses and he gets angry. He says he just wants to talk and proves this by shoving her into a wall. She says she'll meet him at Pete's Pizza at 8 PM and he finally leaves. At home, Janie reads a note from her mom stating that she and Dad will be back later. The phone happens to be dead because that's creepy. At 8:30 PM, someone knocks on the door. It's Ross and he isn't too happy she broke their date. He pulls out the scarf and says Janie left it in his car and he wanted to return it. Then he asks what he did wrong. He starts telling her about what happened in his past. He says he found Karen's corpse, but he didn't kill her. Rumors started and he and his family moved to get away from it. He also denies killing Eve and Faith. Janie responds by fleeing the house, but she only makes it to the driveway where Ross tackles her to the ground and says he won't let her up until she tells him why she doesn't believe him. He disappears when her parents pull into the driveway.

Janie spends the next day worrying about seeing Ross. She manages to avoid him until after school when he catches up to her. Luckily (or not) she comes across Paul and a few of his friends. Paul tells Ross to back off and then punches him in the gut. Janie runs to the park and cries. Eventually she calms down, remembers that she left her backpack in the hall, and decides to go back for it. The back door is still open so she slips inside, but doesn't find her backpack where she left it. She starts walking toward the office and overhears Mr. Hernandez talking to Ross about violence. Janie dives inside a closet to avoid being seen. Because that's perfectly logical. She thinks she feels damp hair brushing over her face so she panics and starts screaming and pounding on the door, but she can't get out. A second later, the door bursts open and the hair? Just a damp, dirty mop.

When Janie recovers from her horrifying experience and gets home, Ian calls and tells her to come over because he has proof that Ross killed Eve and Faith. Ian drives Janie to Fear Street woods. Oh shit. He takes a baseball bat out of the trunk, shows her the dried blood on it, and says "I killed her [Eve]! Here's the proof!" Well, kids, it appears I judged Ross too harshly (it was great fun while it lasted) when I should've been casting my judgemental eye on IAN all along. You're a slippery little eel, Ian. Now for the ridiculous motive. Eve stole the dance money for Ian so he could pay for a bit of college. But she felt guilty and wanted to return it so he killed her. Oh, and he saw she and Ross making out which gave him further incentive to murder her and also make people believe Ross was the killer. Faith suspected something so she too had to die. Before Ian can cast Janie from this life, Ross shows up and immediately gets smacked in the head with the bat. But he's back up a minute later and Ian is soon pinned to the ground. Janie runs to call the police and decides Ross is ok after all even though she's been accusing him of being a cold blooded murderer and he probably hates her now.

Conclusion? All that for $1,241.65? He can't even GO to college now because he'll be behind bars for the rest of his life.

Next time: "The Mind Reader" A book called The Mind Reader...that really has nothing at all to do with a mind reader.

99 Fear Street: The Third Horror

There is no way in hell that house is on Fear Street. It's too attractive.

Book Description:

Kody Frasier always swore she'd come back to 99 Fear Street. She knows the spirit of her dead sister, Cally, is trapped there, waiting to be set free. Now Kody is starring in a movie about the evil that murdered Cally, set in the very house that destroyed their family. If she can just find Cally, she can help her... But Cally doesn't want to be saved. She's been waiting all this time for revenge. And once the movie camera is rolling, Cally is going to give Kody the surprise ending of a lifetime!

My Description:

It's been two years since Kody Frasier was last in the horrid house at 99 Fear Street. It doesn't hold good memories--her brother James and her twin sister Cally died here. Kody is standing on the sidewalk having deep thoughts (as deep as a mud puddle) about how sunny the day is yet 99 Fear Street remains dark and creepy and death trap-y. Then the door opens and Kody is shocked to see Cally step out. Except not. It's just the snobby actress Persia Bryce who will be playing KODY in the movie being made about the never ending horror that is Kody's life. I'm not sure if I'm reading this correctly, but I think Kody is playing Cally...which really makes no sense.

Bo Montgomery is the director of 99 Fear Street (the film's overly creative title) and he believes this is his "big chance" since everything else he's ever directed turned out to be crap. Bo isn't happy because he has to make the film at this dump of a house. He also didn't want to use an amateur like Kody to fill the role of Cally, but he has no choice."This role has Winona Ryder written all over it. Instead, I get Kody Frasier." Be happy you have a job at all, asshole. His associate producer, Sam McCarthy, reminds Bo that he's getting great publicity because the movie is based on TRUE EVENTS, but Bo continues to whine about his pathetic sham of a life and how this movie could make or break him. A few moments later, Bo and Sam are suddenly surrounded by a horde of Fear rats. But they make it out of the basement unscathed thanks to Bo's trusty clipboard. I always thought Fear rats could only be killed by an ancient Fear dagger soaked in the blood of a Fear, washed in Fear Lake, and put out to power up beneath a full moon before being used by a dry lipped bumpkin from Fear Street. But apparently a 99 cent clipboard from Staples works just as well. Bo trots off to tend to the high maintenance Persia while the remaining rats presumably begin procreating as a form of revenge. You won't make it out next time, Bo. Nuh-uh. And there WILL be a next time!

Meanwhile, Kody is talking to Rob Gentry, a blue eyed actor who moves with the "easy grace" of a cute little kitty.

Any excuse to mention cute little kitties. Don't you feel warm and fuzzy now? Well, hold on to that feeling...by the end of this book, you'll need a reason to keep on living. Anyway, Rob is a total flirt (in this town, it's against the law to be anything else if you look as perfect as Rob) and pulls Kody close as they walk to the caterer's table. Kody admires him: "He's the handsomest boy I've ever met, Kody found herself thinking as she lowered herself onto the grass beside him." Too bad he'll probably be dead soon. But it doesn't matter because there are plenty of vapid pretty boys walking around so Kody will have a shoulder to cry on when the love of her life that she's known for one whole day dies. *sigh* Kody mentions that Persia is evil and treats Kody like a mutt and Rob says that Persia is jealous because she wanted to play Cally, not Kody. Once again, this makes NO SENSE. Why isn't Kody playing HERSELF? What is the purpoe of someone else portraying her when she's still around? Why am I asking questions? I'm only hurting myself. Anyway, Rob decides that Kody really isn't upset about Persia at all. She's upset about being back at the center of hell where her life was completely ruined. Wow, Rob. You are truly a genius among men. Dumbass. Kody says that being back at the house is difficult, but she wanted to be part of the film for two reasons: "One, it was such an incredible opportunity. I mean, my life was so terrible, Rob." Dad went blind, Mom was never the same, life sucked. On to the second reason: "I made a promise to my sister that I'd come back." She tells Rob about her sister's ghost and he thinks that's so normal that he can't leave fast enough when the assistant director calls for him. Kody wanders off, almost trips over a box of blood (yeah), and then can't stop thinking about the house's bloody history. But the sight of Cally (Persia?) in the window breaks through her thoughts.

And now the moment we've all been dreading: Cally's point of view. Gag. have I mentioned that I hate her? Because I really really do. Cally is furious because Kody came back to be a "movie star", not to visit dear old dead sis. Cally watches Kody and thinks about what a surprise she'll get when she finds Cally and realizes how positively evil she's become. "I am the evil and the evil is me." She should put that on a T-shirt. Cally decides that Kody will have to die. She watches Kody go toward the front door... "Cally shot a dozen pointed steel spikes through the front door. She listened gleefully as Kody's shrill screams rose up in a wail of terror." Kody, of course, doesn't die. She screams, Bo comes running, and after he threatens to chew out McCarthy, the asst. producer, for the spikes, Kody admires Bo's rugged good looks. No comment. McCarthy pleads his case and he and Bo walk off to do movie stuff. Kody spends a few moments having horrible bloody flashbacks before going into the house because she's part of a plot device that this book just couldn't live without. The scene about to be filmed involves Rob getting his hand ground into hamburger in the garbage disposal. He's really nervous about it so McCarthy shows him how it's done. Which is a huge, messy, gory mistake. Just as McCarthy puts his hand into the disposal, someone pushes Kody (who is just hanging around) causing her to bump into the switch that turns the disposal on. "Red as raw hamburger, McCarthy's fingers fell loosely on his cut and mangled palm." Dump some alcohol on it and STOP SCREAMING. Geez.

Later, Bo meets with Rob, Kody, and Persia and tells them that McCarthy lost all his mangled fingers. He asks Kody what happened and she tries to tell him she was pushed, but he interrupts her and keeps talking. She realizes he blames her for the maiming of the hand. He says he's grateful for Kody being involved with the production (HA!) and Persia mutters that it's all for the publicity (which is probably true). Bo denies it, saying that Kody is a great actress. Who has never acted before in her life. Kody is distracted by the weirdo looking in the window at them. It's our old friend Lurie, the real estate agent (who is now a peeping tom. Guess the recession caught up with him.) who sold Kody's family the house. Bo goes out to talk to the creeper and Kody and Persia have an argument which leads to Persia ripping out some of Kody's hair before Rob and Bo intervene. Persia walks off after claiming she was only acting. Rob seems very concerned about Kody: "But then, to her complete surprise, he leaned forward, wrapped his arms around her shoulders, and kissed her. A long kiss. A hungry kiss." No word on the moisture level of Rob's lips. He leaves a moment later and Kody questions if he's truly interested in her. He is an actor, after all.

Kody goes to sleep in her trailer and is awakened by a tapping at the door. 'Twas the raven nevermore? No, it's just...nobody. Kody opens the door and sees no-one, but she's sure Cally was just here. She steps out into the night and walks to the house. She lets herself in and is shocked to see Mrs. Nordstrom (the old housekeeper) scrubbing the sink in the kitchen. The two have a little reunion before Nordstrom goes back to scrubbing blood out of the sink and Kody goes into the living room where Cally is hanging out in the form of a cold breeze. A second later, a security guard grabs Kody's arm and asks her what she's doing. She says she used to live here and he gets all excited, getting an autograph for his nephew before letting Kody go.

The next morning, Kody is on set confessing how nervous she is to Rob. He assures her that they're only doing reaction shots today so she doesn't even have to speak. A girl named Joanna comes on set as stand-in for a test shot...and promptly gets her face smashed by a rogue camera. "For a few seconds Joanna seemed suspended there, her head impaled by the protruding lens. Then she toppled back and fell heavily to the ground, leaving the camera soaked with her bright red blood." People immediately freak out and amid the chaos, the security guard says something to Bo who then wants to talk to Kody. The guard told Bo that he saw Kody in the house the night before so Bo suspects that MAYBE Kody messed with the boom which caused the camera to pulverize Joanna's innocent face. He changes his tune, though, and says he really doesn't know what to think. Bo runs off and Kody is pissed about being accused. She goes inside the house (because the place is so very warm and comforting) and mopes around. Then she finds Cally's severed head in the refrigerator. She screams, Bo comes running, and we all learn that the head is, unfortunately, just a prop. Kody goes to her trailer to rest her aching brain. Meanwhile, Cally is amused by Kody's reaction to the dummy head. She's also amused (everything is just so damn FUNNY!) by all the bad things she's planning to do. Cally is the WORST revenge seeking ghost ever. Why not torture Kody directly instead of hurting people around her? Oh right--because the book would only be ten pages long and no-one would get paid.

The next morning, Kody throws herself into Rob's arms and begs him to hold her. As if that will help. Stop acting like a Victorian school marm with a wicked case of the vapors and do something productive for once. Like getting as far away from Shadyside as humanly possible. Instead of taking my advice, Kody makes out with Rob until they're interrupted by the hideous Persia. She came to tell them that Joanna died in the hospital and the police are on set investigating so Bo has called a break for the day. Later, Bo gathers everyone for a meeting to discuss the issue. He's interrupted by Mr. Hankers (the handyman from the previous books) who has arrived to slaughter the basement rats. At the end of the meeting, Bo tells Rob and Kody that they'll be shooting their attic scene the next morning. Bo thinks about how good Rob is...and how Kody should be replaced.

Rob has rented a Mustang convertible so he and Kody go for a drive. In the evening, they end up beside the Conononka River making out like fiends. (My eyes cannot possibly roll back any further.) It starts to rain so they go back to Fear Street. Kody runs to her trailer for her script because she and Rob plan to "practice their lines" and Rob stays in the car. Kody picks up her script and hears a tapping at the door. She opens it and steps out, but there's no-one there and Rob's car is gone. Then Cally appears to screw things up further. Kody can't see her, but Cally's voice commands Kody to follow her. Just reading this is making me dumber. Kody is excited and runs out into the rain. She runs to the house and goes into the basement at Cally's urging. A dark shadow rolls across the floor to Kody, but before anything happens, damn BO pops up with his hand clamped over Kody's mouth. Where the hell does he come from?!? Is he stalking her every move? He's always way too near. He wants to know what she's doing and she asks the same of him, but he just says he has things to do for the production. Liar. He says they should leave, but they can't because Kody has spotted a box of explosives labelled DANGER and she wants to know what they're for. He says at the end of the movie, he's going to blow up the house. PRAISE BE. Burn the mother down! Bo starts acting really weird and creepy and says she absolutely cannot tell anyone. He goes on to talk about her death scene, but Kody doesn't want to hear any more. Then she mentions the fact that Cally led her here, but Bo thinks she's just coming up with things for the script. Their discussion is ended when a giant rat tries to tear out Kody's throat. The poor stupid rodent misses and falls to the floor. Kody KICKS it and it runs away. How dare she! The rats are our future. RESPECT.

The next morning brings the attic scene which is sure to be a total disaster. Kody asks Rob why he left her the night before and he insists she told him to go back to his hotel without her. She is seriously dense. She hasn't thought ONCE that it's Cally messing with her. Anyway, Bo explains the scene. Green goo will come pouring out of the floor, Rob and Kody will pretend to be terrified, and it all has to be done in one take because it would take way too long to clean the crap up to film it again. Bo leaves the room for a few minutes and Kody and Rob have a romantic moment that isn't romantic at all. Thankfully, it doesn't last long because the goo machine starts cranking and steaming hot goo comes pouring out. And the door's locked. And the goo smells like sour milk. As the goo gets thicker and rises a little higher, Kody starts calling for Cally because she has no idea her dead demonic sister is CAUSING this mess. And now Rob thinks Kody is completely insane. Finally Kody grabs a light tower (metal poles holding two large lights) and smashes a window. Unfortunately, it appears Rob has drowned in the goo. "He probably tried to swim, Kody realized, and the disgusting liquid held him under." He tried to SWIM? Don'tlaughdon'tlaughdon'tlaugh. Actually, I guess I CAN laugh because Rob isn't dead at all. Kody pulls him out of the goo, gives him mouth to mouth (as she's been doing for several days. ZING!) and lo and behold, he lives. Then Kody vomits and calls it a day.

The next afternoon, Kody and Persia watch Bo pacing and claiming that this movie HAS to be made. WHY? The guy can't direct. Period. He should cut his losses and end it now before he gets his eyes gnawed out by rats. Rob is in the hospital and doing fine. Yeah, anyway, a guy named Burt Martindale is playing Kody's dad and will be filming his first scene today. Marge Anderson and Noah Klein (Mom and James) are also in the scene along with Kody and Persia. It's a dinner scene, the one in which Dad gets stabbed by a knife with a mind of its own. I guess nothing happens. For once.

That night, Kody wakes up after a nightmare in which she's eating doughtnuts that taste like the sour milk goo. She decides she's going to deal with Cally now. Except she still doesn't think Cally is evil. When she gets to the house, she asks Cally if she can hug her. Cally responds by luring Kody to the basement which has a tiny secret room (where the rats hang out for darts and beer nuts) where Cally is waiting for her. Cally becomes a freezing cold mist that invades Kody. I think. Possibly?

The next day, it's time for more of the dinner scene. Bo instructs Kody and Persia to argue over a knife. And when he says "Action", Kody rams the knife into Persia's hand, pinning her to the table. Blood spurts everywhere, Persia is screaming, everyone else is screaming, and Kody is yelling that it was supposed to be a prop, not real. Persia is eventually taken away by paramedics and Bo takes Kody aside to tell her that the movie is jinxed and she is the cause. He says she's being removed from the film. Kody responds by cracking his skull with a spotlight and burning his face with the hot bulb until smoke rises. "Okay, everybody! That's a wrap!" Shrew.

The real Kody is tied up in the basement. Cally didn't possess her body...how the hell did she make herself solid enough to pass as the real Kody? How can she pick up objects and such? Do I really give a damn at this point? Does ANYONE? Anyway, Cally is pure evil, rats are all over the place, and Mr. Lurie, Mrs. Nordstrom, and Mr. Hankers are feeding the rats and treating them like pets. Kody can't believe they're there and they don't even KNOW she's there. They're in the secret room and Kody is in the main part of the basement yet they never saw her. Don't care. Doesn't matter. Kody hears them say Cally is easily controlled and she realizes Cally isn't really evil. She's being controlled by those three. Cally shows up and lets Kody go because she's ruined her life and has no further use for her. Kody tells her about the demented freaks in the next room, but Cally doesn't believe her. Then the three come out and thank Cally for bringing them Kody. Cally tells Kody to run for the stairs and as she does, the three turn into rats and attack Kody. "A line of drool fell from Mr. Hankers's snarling mouth as he scratched the gray fur of his belly with both claws." Very attractive. They're joined by other rats, but Kody manages to get out of the house just before the entire thing explodes and rats go flying. *sob* I loved those filthy rodents!

A few weeks later, Rob and Kody are hanging out...eating pizza and drinking Coke. It never fails. Kody is back in Los Angeles with her parents (that's where they fled after their time on Fear Street). Rob lives in the city and just auditioned for a dog food commercial. Woof. The doorbell rings and Rob answers. He comes back to the living room with a package for Kody. It's a tape with a note attached: "Here's a collector's item for you, Kody. It's the only film that was shot at 99 Fear Street. Talk about a big finish! Better luck to us all! Sam McCarthy" It's a shot of the explosion and a faint image of Cally waving good-bye.

Conclusion?: I don't wanna think about it...

Next time: "The New Boy" A mysterious hunk of teenage man meat moves to Shadyside and shortly after, the murders begin. It's sure to be...a gas. The kind of gas that explodes in your face and makes you wish you were never born.

Night Games

*This cover is absolutely hilarious. "Night time is the right time...for trouble." Classic.*

Book Description:

Diane loves sneaking out in the middle of the night. Her friends do, too. They have the town all to themselves. Every night they come up with a new prank to play. But then Diane's boyfriend, Lenny, wants revenge on a teacher and the pranks turn to murder. Now Diane and her friends are in too deep. Much too deep...with no way out.

My Description:

It's the middle of the night (WOW!) and Diane, Lenny, Cassie, and Jordan are standing on the sidewalk laughing at Mr. Crowell's hideous Christmas decorations. Mr. Crowell is their math teacher and everyone hates him because he doesn't allow calculators. Diane turns her attention to Lenny, her personal Adonis. Lenny is one tough bad ass and Diane is a dork so she doesn't know why he dates her. Shut up, Diane. Judging by the cover, you could probably kick Lenny's ass. After all, YOU'RE the one in the black leather jacket and everyone knows only cool bad asses wear black leather. Anyway, Lenny thinks they should smash the whole tacky display (he must be bad at math), but no-one else is into it so they walk off. A moment later, they see someone dart around the side of a house and automatically assume it's a burglar even though they're doing practically the same freaking thing (i.e. lurking around random houses). It turns out to be one of their stupid friends, Spencer. They tell him about their initial suspicions and he says all he does these days is rob houses and he's really rich because of it. They all believe it until he bursts out laughing and tells them they're all stupid. Yes. They are. The house Spencer was "burglarizing" is his own. He just moved back to Shadyside. After he tells the gang that he was just sneaking out to play Night Games (yes, that's what he calls it), Diane asks him where the hell he's been. Grandma got sick, Dad dragged Spencer and family to Washington, Grandma got better, and Dad decided to move the family back to Shadyside because "My dad thought it would be easier to find work here." Is your father completely DERANGED? Does he have some sort of brain fever? There's NOTHING in Shadyside! Once you leave, why would you ever come back?!? Spencer goes on to say that he goes to St. Ann's now instead of Shadyside High. What a loss. Then he asks them if they want to go on an adventure, a "Night Game". Is he five years old? What high schooler asks his friends if they want to go on an adventure? Diane isn't sure and Cassie wants to make sure he doesn't do anything illegal. "I have adventures. Some nights it's hard to sleep. My head feels so crowded. So I sneak out for some Night Games. Quiet little adventures...in the dark." I don't think it was Grandma who was sick. I think it's Spencer who has the sickness. In the head. 'My head feels so crowded' = the voices won't shut up. 'Quiet little adventures' = killing small animals, defecating in mailboxes, luring sailors to their death with his siren song, etc. Yet these idiots follow him like empty headed sheep. Nocturnal sheep.

They walk around, following Spencer until he stops beside a car with two unruly teens making out inside. Spencer decides to get his jollies by pounding on the window and telling the cupcakes inside that they're under arrest. They freak out until they open the door and realize it's not a cop, just some disturbed boy. The dude from the car appears ready to kick Spencer's ass, but before that can happen, Spence and the gang run away. They stop when they reach Spencer's front yard and he suggests they do this again: "Let's meet again. Okay? How about it? Monday after midnight? We'll all sneak out and have more adventures." Stop saying adventures!! ERROL FLYNN had adventures. All YOU'RE having is happy play time. You may as well be sitting in a sandbox! Anyway, Diane and Cassie don't really want to, but Lenny and Jordan do and since neither girl possesses a spine, they go along with it.

It's now Monday and the Night Riders are sitting in Mr. Crowell's math class fighting boredom. Cassie is sketching, Diane is examining a stain on her shirt, and Lenny and Jordan are acting like jackasses. When Lenny laughs at something Jordan says, Mr. Crowell spins around and demands to know what's so funny. He proceeds to rip Lenny a new one before turning back to the blackboard. Lenny stands and flips over his desk. When Crowell tells him to sit down, Lenny raises his fist and then bolts out of the classroom before he can solve the equation of how long it would take to rearrange Crowell's face. Mr. Crowell continues his lesson as if nothing ever happened because he is made of awesome sauce.

After class, Diane tries to find Lenny with no luck. He's probably in the janitor's closet crying his little heart out into a mop. Diane talks to Cassie who mentions that Crowell has a heart condition and someday Lenny is going to give him a heart attack (foreshadowing?). Then they talk about the ADVENTURE that's taking place tonight. Cassie doesn't wanna go, but she's a glutton for peer pressure and since everyone else is going, she will too. Diane is going so she can have the chance to talk to Lenny. Does he not have a phone? I seriously doubt she needs to go skipping around the streets of Shadyside in the middle of the night to talk to that moron.

That night, the girls meet in front of Spencer's house and the boys show up shortly after. Diane tells Lenny that he needs to "cool it" in Crowell's class, but Lenny isn't planning on it. He blames it on Crowell: "I'm not a good enough student for him to leave alone. Every chance he gets, he finds a way to get on my case." You are such a turd, Lenny. If you actually paid attention and did your work instead of sitting there with your thumb up your butt, he'd probably get off your case, genius! A moment later, Spencer comes flopping out of his window like a crack addicted trout. "I knew you guys would come! Everyone needs some Night Games from time to time--right?" NO. Then we're treated to a visual of Spence: "Spencer had his hair tied back in a thick ponytail. He wore a black sweatshirt--inside out--and baggy black chinos that were ripped at both knees." Glad to hear he dressed up for the occasion.

After Lenny and Spencer share how much they hate Crowell (apparently he was Spencer's teacher a few years ago when Spence still attended Shadyside High) they all start walking down the street. Spencer is excited: "Late at night, Shadyside is ours!" You poor pathetic fool. Of course they end up at Crowell's house. They spy on him through the window. He's in the living room disemboweling a headless corpse. Just kidding--he's decorating his Christmas tree. Sadly, I don't think this book will have any guts or decapitated bodies. Our loss. Anyway, after putting the finishing touches on his tree, Crowell treats himself to a soda pop (I think an occasion like this calls for an orange Fanta. Screw Coke!) and sits back to admire his mad decorating skills. The Night Riders (I declare this their official name) get bored and all but Spencer turn to leave. He decides to destroy some of Crowell's outdoor decorations with his handy dandy flashlight. He smashes some twinkly red and green lights, breaks Santa's head, and throws an aluminum reindeer at the house. Crowell hears the MADNESS! and comes to the door: "I see you!" They all run, leaving Crowell alone to screech the night away. The boys think the entire thing was hilarious, but Cassie and Diane think it was pretty horrible...yet they agree to go out again the next night. Crowell should have shot them all when he had the chance.

When Diane gets home, her ex-boyfriend Bryan calls her. She broke with him a year ago to go out with Lenny, but he wants her back for some reason. Diane is pissed because it's almost 3 AM and the phone could have woken her parents. She tells him she doesn't want to talk now so Bryan keeps it short and tells her she'll be sorry for dating Lenny. I think she's already sorry. A few seconds after hanging up, the phone rings again. It's the obligatory raspy voiced caller. "Diane, I saw you tonight. I saw you tonight, Diane. I know about your Night Games." You've got to be kidding me.

Last Winter

Spencer is hanging out in his uncle's ski cabin waiting for the rest of the Scooby gang to show up. He's excited for everyone to see this AWESOME cabin and ski the AWESOME slopes. It's TOTALLY AWESOME! Or not. Anyway, the downside for Spencer is that he doesn't have a girlfriend and everyone else is part of a couple. "Spencer knew he could find someone to date. But he was picky about who he went out with. She had to be smart, pretty, and fun. Someone perfect. Someone like Diane." That one makes fun of itself. Spencer hates that Diane chose Lenny over him. Boo hoo. Everyone arrives in Jordan's new Jeep (FYI: Jordan is rich). Lenny hangs his head out the window and yell at Spencer: "Yo, Spence! We saw your car leaning too far to the left. Maybe you should cut down on the Snickers bars!" HAR HAR HAR. This ticks Spencer off and he thinks about what a creep Lenny is. The only reason Lenny is here is because Diane insists on dragging him everywhere, not because Spencer invited him.

They all go inside and admire the cabin. Spencer overhears Lenny and Diane arguing in another room. Lenny says he didn't want to come, but he did for Diane. She tells him he follows her everywhere, he says it's the other way around, and Jordan interrupts before they can get into a Dynasty-style slap fest. Everyone gathers in the living room to be near the fire and watch TV. Unfortunately, a howling wind somehow knocks the power out. Spencer lights a lantern and everyone sits in uncomfortable silence while Diane and Lenny fight. Lenny ends up storming outside to sit in the Jeep where he can be alone and cry like the little bitch he is. Cassie and Jordan start making out while Diane and Spencer go to fetch more firewood. Diane complains about Lenny and she and Spencer have a moment where they almost kiss, but Lenny nips that in the bud by grabbing Spencer and punching him in the face. "Stay away from Diane! Or you'll be sorry! You'll be sorry!" What is it about this chick that makes these guys so crazy? She's about as interesting as a dried leaf. Lenny drags her back to the cabin leaving Spencer alone with his raging fury.

This Winter

Cassie and Diane are sharing a vegetarian pizza at Pete's Pizza (I look forward to the day I come upon one of these books that does not mention this place) while Diane moans to Cassie about Bryan's phone call. She thinks he was the raspy caller, but we all know it's some other psycho. They change the subject to Spencer and his Night Games when suddenly Lenny bursts through the door with blood dripping from his hand. Mr. Crowell told Lenny's basketball coach that Lenny is failing algebra so Coach kicked Lenny off the team. Lenny was so mad he punched a locker and cut his hand. The stupid troll blames Crowell for his bleeding hand. He complains that Crowell is ruining his life and won't stop until Lenny is kicked out of school. SHUT UP. Jordan shows up a moment later and asks everyone if they're meeting Spencer tonight. Of course they are. And Lenny plans to get revenge on Mr. Crowell.

The next chapter begins with Diane wondering how she, such a sensible girl, got caught up in the wild world of Night Games. Because you're an idiot, Diane. That's all there is to it. Diane thinks it's the sense of freedom that the Night Games gives them. I'll agree to disagree. Then Diane thinks about how gorgeous Spencer is now that he's no longer kind of chubby. How kind.

That night, the Night Riders (Midnight Morons? Moon Goons?) gather in Spencer's yard. Spencer hasn't fallen out his window yet and they're beginning to wonder what he's doing. Probably better not to ask. They all start arguing because waiting for five minutes is sooooo stressful. Eventually Spencer appears and tells them he fell asleep studying. Right. Lenny tells him he wants to go to Crowell's house "to do some damage". Spencer says that the Night Games are about fun, not revenge, but Lenny is determined so off they go. When they arrive at Crowell's house, all the lights are out and his car isn't in the open garage. They decide the logical thing to do is break into the house. They crawl in through a window and debate about what to do. Lenny wants to completely trash the place, but Spencer says they should just move some things around so Crowell will be freaked out, but he won't have any real reason to call the police. They split up and Diane goes into the bathroom where she laughs at Crowell's Bugs Bunny/Daffy Duck shower curtain. Then she goes into a room, leaves the light on, and shuts the door. "That would give him something to think about!" You are truly the devil, Diane. She makes her way to a bedroom where she spots a figure lying on the bed. Before she can make out who it is in the darkness, Spencer grabs her shoulders, effectively scaring her. She calms down and tells him about the figure...which turns out to be a pair of black pajamas. They leave the room and Spencer sees Crowell's car pulling into the driveway. Crowell enters the house and everyone leaves through the kitchen door before he knows they're there. Diane is scandalized because Spencer stole Crowell's CD player. *sigh*

At home, Diane calls Cassie and they talk about what happened and how weird Spencer is now. The girls hang up after a few minutes and Diane gets another call from the creaky smoker's voice. "I saw what you did tonight. I know about your Night Games, Diane. I know what you stole tonight. I know about your little revenge. You'll pay, Diane. You're going to pay for what you did." She wasn't the one who stole and she wasn't the one who wanted revenge, you slow witted squirrel. Go bother someone else (i.e. Lenny)!

During Mr. Crowell's class the next day, the gang is incredibly jumpy. Crowell seems to be paying more attention to them, particularly Diane. After class, he speaks with her alone. But all he does is ask about how her midterm project is going. She's relived and meets up with her goofy friends a few moments later. She tells them what Crowell said and says they should stop with the Night Games. No-one but Cassie wants to quit. Cassie and Diane are not being forced to do these things so why do they continue to act like they are? Diane mentions her creepy caller and Lenny demands to know who it is. As if she knows. After the mention of the calls, the group decides to tell Spencer that they're through with his shoddy Night Games. If only.

Spencer isn't home when they arrive after school so they decide to show up tomorrow. Later, Diane has dinner at Cassie's house and it's dark when she leaves for home. As she's walking, she feels like she's being watched and this is confirmed when Bryan jumps out of the bushes. He confesses he was following her and says he wants to talk. She refuses and he tells her she needs to stay away from Lenny because he'll only get her into trouble. She mentions the strange phone calls, but Bryan says he didn't do it. Diane tries to walk away, but he grabs her and only lets go when a car passes by. He scampers off into the night like a scared rabbit. I think it's safe to say Diane has very poor taste in men.

At home, Diane finds the house empty. But Lenny takes care of that by showing up to whine about his awful parents. Did I mention how much I hate Lenny? Because I do. A LOT. His parents are angry with him because of his horrible grades and, as usual, Lenny blames Crowell. He confesses that he fantasizes about beating up Crowell or running over him with his car. Diane simply replies that Lenny and Crowell really need to talk. Then she and Lenny make out until they hear a knocking at the door. It's Cassie who received a note from, presumably, the same pathetic weirdo that keeps calling Diane. The note reads "I know about your Night Games. You're going to be the loser." Lenny thinks it's Mr. Crowell who I'm almost certain has much better things to than stay up late making phone calls and writing notes to stupid, irrational teenagers. Diane thinks it's Bryan and Cassie thinks it's Spencer. Which means it's probably neither. A few minutes later, Spencer shows up with a note of his own. His says "Night Games can be dangerous. Sometimes people die." Except not. Ever.

Last Winter

Here we go again. It's early morning and Spencer is making a nice cup of hot cocoa. "If only I had someone to share it with, he thought. Someone like Diane." Shut up, Spencer. You're not in a Danielle Steele novel, damn you! Cassie and Diane come out onto the deck where Spencer is sitting and he fights the urge to kiss Diane. I wish he would. Then we'd have the pleasure of watching him and Lenny kill each other in the snow. Jordan and Lenny come outside and watch Diane, Cassie, and Spencer making snow angels. Lenny makes a joke at Spencer's expense and challenges the three to a snowball war. Spencer packs the snow tightly into his hand and allows it to melt to form ice (what?) and slams Lenny in the mouth with the iceball and beans Jordan in the side of the head. In return, they bury Spencer in the snow. He starts freaking out because they packed him in pretty tightly and he can't move or even speak. He overhears Diane and Lenny arguing about whether or not to leave him. Then Jordan's Jeep starts...and the chapter ends there.

This Winter

The four fools who are currently the plague of my existence are sitting in the cafeteria discussing the notes. Blah blah blah. At the end of the day, Lenny goes to talk to Mr. Crowell while Diane waits outside the classroom. Lenny blows it and comes out furious. Crowell told him he was a loser who would never change (and THAT's why I love Crowell). Lenny wants one more Night Game, one more trip to Crowell's house. My will to live is fading...

Once again, they all meet at Spencer's and afterward head for Crowell's house. They find the lights out and the car missing so they let themselves in through the window like last time. Lenny has a can of spray paint (Diane somehow mistakes this for a gun. Further proof that she has defective brain cells.) and begins spraying everything in sight. Diane stumbles off to find Cassie and they get seperated from the boys only to find them a little later standing in a bedroom staring down at Crowell's lifeless body sprawled on the floor.

Predictably, these jerks only care about getting out of the house because they think someone will think they killed Crowell. WHO? WHY? Everyone is losing their minds. Except Lenny. Pretty sure he's high from paint fumes. They see headlights flash on the wall and Cassie screams "The police!" It isn't the police. How the hell would they know to come there? It's just a car pulling into the driveway next door. Instead of calling 911, they all search for the paint can that Lenny dropped. Jordan finds it and they all flee the house.

At 7 AM, Diane's phone rings. It's Cassie who heard on the radio that Crowell's housekeeper found him. He died of a heart attack. Because of the spray paint, the police think an intruder broke in and literally scared him to death. Excellent sleuthing. Diane stays home from school and that evening, her parents go out. Creepy McGee leaves a note on Diane's porch. It's a sheet of paper with the words "You Die Next" written in spray paint. UNBELIEVABLY clever. Cassie and Lenny show up with identical notes and they all decide to track down Jordan (Cassie called. He's not home.) to see if he also got a note. They find him at The Corner eating french fries with Bryan. Diane barges in and immediately accuses JORDAN of sending the notes because he was the one who found the spray can the night before. He tells her he gave the can to Spencer so they all leave to hunt down Spencer. They go into his house for the first time and find it empty and deserted. No heat. No furniture. Nothing to suggest anyone lives here. Then they spot Spencer lying facedown on the floor. They all think he's dead until he pops up to say "I'm dead." Thanks for letting us know. And it's true--Spencer is a ghost. Yes, folks, THIS is how it ends. He floats up off the floor and says they all killed him last winter when they left him to smother in the snow. He came back to get his revenge by making them play Night Games and watching them become frightened by his notes and phone calls. But now he's tired of games and just wants to kill them. They get rid of him by hugging him and telling him they love him. He needs hatred to thrive and their "kindness" causes him to melt to a dark puddle. The twist? He managed to kill Diane just before he died by choking her. Yet no-one notices because she's a "living ghost" just like Spencer was. I am in so much mental pain right now...

Conclusion? Unbearably boring and ridiculous. The characters were annoying and unlikable and I wanted to murder them all myself. And the entire Crowell thing was totally pointless! I'm not even going to comment on the ending. I just CANNOT.

Next time: "99 Fear Street - The Third Horror" Let's bury this sucker once and for all.