Twisted

Book Description:

Anything for a sister.

Abby would do anything to be in the school's most exclusive sorority. And now she's got the chance. Because the sorority sisters have asked her to join them. All Abby has to do is get through the initiation. That might be a problem. Because this year, the initiation is going to be.... Murder.

My Description:

Abby is totally disgusted by her sister Gabriella's refusal to join the Tri Gammas, Rockland State's most EXCLUSIVE sorority. Aren't you impressed?! Don't you think Gabriella is a stupid slut for not joining?! Let's all hold hands and jump off a cliff! HUZZAH! Anyway, the girls fuss with each other over the stupid sorority thing. The fight ends with Abby calling Gabriella "inhuman". Tee hee. Gabriella leaves and Abby's mother enters the room. She doesn't want Abby to move to that silly old sorority house because she won't be cozy in mother's nest anymore. Lady, your daughter is unhinged. For the sake of your health, LET HER GO. Just before Abby leaves for the campus, her mother asks her if she'll be able to handle it if she doesn't get into the sorority. "Mother - stop. They're not going to reject me. I'm going to get in - no matter what." Uh-oh.

Abby takes a bus to the campus where she hurries to the Tri Gam house. She sees a girl named Leila Sherman enter before her. Abby is horrified because this chick stole her boyfriend Gordon last year. I think. Close enough. Abby enters the house and is disappointed to find that it looks more like a grandma's house than a "vibrant, sparkling new world." Is she serious? Yes. Yes, she is. One of the Tri Gams greets her at the door in a green jumpsuit and a chunk of green crap stuck in her teeth to match. Abby gets a name tag and goes upstairs to a room where the other pledges are. She talks to a girl she knows named Nina who used to be close friends with, but Abby decided Nina was too childish for her and they drifted apart. Abby finds out that Nina and Leila are roommates and Leila is still dating the magnificent Gordon who probably isn't worth the dirt he walks on. The conversation gets painfully awkward and Nina goes back to her seat. A few moments later, Leila comes over to Abby, all smiles. "Hey, Abby. What a shock! Hi!" Phony. As. Hell.

The group of pledges sit down to listen to Andrea Volner, the president of the Tri Gams, give a speech. Instead of paying attention to the perfect (and perfectly blond) Andrea, Abby thinks about Gordon and Leila. A year ago, Abby and Leila were actually best friends...and that's all we get. Just tell us what happened! Did Abby find Gordon the magical unicorn and Leila in a compromising position, creating flaming passion with their dry lips (literally--those things are like fucking matchsticks)? I almost don't want to know because the truth will be much less interesting than what I've conjured in my sordid imagination. SORDID! Back to the meeting. A girl named Jessie comes running in late and Rebecca, the girl sitting next to Abby, says "I don't believe it. Look at her. She didn't exactly dress up. She's wearing jeans--and they're not even 501s!" Classic. Abby looks down her snooty nose to examine Jessie: red-framed glasses, messy hair, baggy jeans, and a sweatshirt that "only emphasized that she had a definite weight problem." Abby is absolutely shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, that this girl would even attempt to be a Tri Gam! Glasses and a weight problem? Why doesn't she just kill herself?!? Rebecca says that Jessie's older sister was a Tri Gam so Jessie was automatically pledged. Andrea tells the group that only 10 of them will pledge and only 5 will make it as full members. Then she gets all mysterious *cue the fog machine* and tells them the pledges will have to commit a crime to prove their loyalty to the Tri Gams. OoOo.

Later, Abby meets with Nina at a coffee shop and they talk about this crime business. Abby thinks it's bullshit, but Nina is taking it pretty seriously for whatever reason. Unfortunately, the conversation turns to the hideous ones, Gordon and Leila. Nina seems unaware of how sick Leila makes Abby. She says Gordon is bad for Leila because he likes to make sweet love to her in his car where just anyone could see them. Seriously. Just as Nina realizes that Abby doesn't want to hear this and starts apologizing profusely, Jessie bounds up like a bespectacled jackrabbit and takes a seat. She introduces herself and goes on about how excited she is about the big crime she'll have to commit. Jessie views the whole thing as a "wild adventure" and obviously has never heard the words "conviction" or "prison" or "Big Ugly Bertha has a shank with your name on it". Nina and Abby leave a moment later and laugh their skinny asses off at Jessie because she's weird and honestly thinks she'll become a Tri Gam. These two have the personalities of heaping piles of pig shit so I'm not really sure why they think they have the right to laugh at Jessie...

After leaving the coffee shop, Nina goes back to the dorm room she shares with Leila who is waiting for her and seems a little pissed because she's late. Nina tells her old lady where she was and that doesn't go over too well. Leila says Abby is her enemy because she (Leila) hurt her by stealing Gordon. "Abby was so upset when Gordon-when Gordon decided he liked me better-her mother had to take her out of school for a year." Are you kidding me? How could this Gordon douche be so incredible that Abby couldn't do anything for a year? Unless Gordon shits diamonds and can turns rocks into gold nuggets, I'm not seeing his allure. Anyway, Leila says she got Nina a present and tosses her a leather case. Leila tells her it's binoculars so she can better spy on Gordon and Leila. Leila accuses her of being jealous. "You're just jealous. Why don't you just admit it? You've never had a boyfriend, have you? Have you?!" Nina says she doesn't have to answer that and Leila replies that one of them has to leave because she isn't rooming with a spy. Nina wants to work it out, but Leila just slams out of the room like the crazy, whiny baby she is.

When Abby gets home, all the lights in her house are out. She flicks one on and finds Gabriella sitting there in the dark like some weirdo. She wants to know how the meeting went, but Abby just wants to go to bed. Gabriella asks about the crime, but Abby doesn't answer, goes to her room, and wonders how Gabriella knew about that. Unfortunately, Abby finds Gordon waiting in her room. He climbed through the window to visit the one girl who hates him more than anything. Supposedly. For some reason, I thought Gordon was going to be all preppy, but he's wearing ragged, torn jeans, a greasy sweatshirt, and has long dirty hair. "He still looks like Sean Penn, Abby decided. A big, unwashed Sean Penn." Yeah...if Sean Penn lived in a dumpster behind the 7-11. Gordon came through the window to apologize for leaving Abby for her former best friend. "Last year, I was just immature, I guess." You GUESS? Why wait until a year later to bring this up? In fact, why bring it up at all? Gordon's so-called "apology" is basically a way to rub salt in Abby's wounds. Abby responds by making out with him. DAMMIT.

A week later, the Tri Gams board a bus that takes them to their first stop on the way to becoming semi-hardened criminals. "The house, set back in the woods at the end of Dune Road, could have been the setting of The Amityville Horror or some other horror movie." Yes, it's an old, creepy, isolated house complete with gnarled trees, ghostly shadows, and some meddling kids who have been here since the '60s.

Abby notices how Leila keeps giving Nina really evil, hateful looks and she wonders if they're having roomate problems. She never thinks it might have something to do with that parasite Gordon. Anyway, the big house isn't so creepy on the inside. "It was well lit and cheerfully decorated with surprisingly modern, comfortable-looking furniture. And it was warm and dry." Warm-dry cheerful modern furniture won't stop the horror to come! (Please let there be horror.) Andrea pulls out a list of room assignments and in a twist we all saw coming, Abby and Leila will be roommates. Abby thinks it'll be ok because it's only for a few nights, but of course she's kidding herself. I hope...

The next day, Andrea takes the girls for a tour of the town and tells them "Memorize everything. Your life may depend on it." Such dramatics. They go into Driftwood Antiques for the first step in the crime they're going to be forced to commit. Andrea lies and tells the old lady minding the shop, Mrs. Driftwood (that's actually her name), that they're cheerleaders from Pennsylvania and they're here to admire the jewelry. When the woman goes in back to answer the phone, Andrea tells the girls "There's the side entrance. And there's the cash register. Memorize everything. Everything." She says they'll be coming back tomorrow for the jewelry and money in the register. So they're going to rob a little old lady who runs an antique store in a nearly dead town and probably has next to zero dollars in the register? Andrea, you are truly a piece of shit for coming up with this plan and forcing these feeble minded girls to go along with it. I hope the old lady meets them at the door with a fully loaded shotgun and I hope she's wearing ALL the jewels.

Later, Abby and Nina are at the house, hanging out in the living room. Nina tells Abby not to trust Leila who walks into the room a moment later and pretends not to see them, sitting next to two other girls instead. Nina tells Abby about her fight with Leila and Abby realizes that Leila is a piece of crap and she never wants to be friends with her again. Was that not obvious from the very beginning? Andrea enters the room and announces it's time for a meeting. She talks about the plan for tomorrow and Leila asks what will happen if they screw it up. Andrea says they won't because that has never happened before and the crimes always go unsolved. Just because other girls didn't muck up doesn't mean this batch won't. Andrea shows them a silver pistol to prove this shit is really happening. After she finishes describing what they'll do tomorrow, a girl named Ruby speaks up and says she's not doing it. She wants to call a friend to pick her up, but Andrea says there's no phone so Ruby will have to wait at the house until it's time for everybody to leave. They pull straws to see who will have to carry the pistol the next day and Nina gets the short one. "No! No!" YES.

A short while later, Abby and Leila are in their room when motherf*&!ing Gordon taps at the window. He climbs inside and Abby gets all excited and tries to hug him, but he walks right past her to Leila. Ouch. Leila is horrified that he's here and suspicious of the way Abby greeted him. Abby is embarrassed and just wants to die. Gordon is oblivious to everything because he's a moron.

The next morning, Nina is freaking out because she's the one who has to carry the gun and hold up an old woman. Nina seems to be the only girl who truly believes this is more than just an elaborate joke. All Abby cares about is Gordon and how she embarrassed herself the night before. WHO CARES? Gordon is a stupid creep and Leila is a piece of dried out dog shit. Why does Abby care what either of them think of her? Anyway, Andrea comes in and it's time to leave. On the bus, Abby overhears Andrea tell Nina that the gun is loaded with blanks which, to Nina, confirms all this is a joke...unless Andrea is lying. GASP! When they arrive at Driftwood Antiques, Andrea tells them it should only take a few minutes and she'll be waiting outside for them. She's not even going to watch the foolishness she's wrought? I really don't like you, Andrea. You should be forced to watch the look of horror on the old lady's face when she realizes she's being robbed at gunpoint. Maybe that would make you at least a little ashamed of your dumbass self. So the girls go inside, Nina points the gun at Mrs. Driftwood, and immediately chickens out. Jessie grabs the gun and takes charge. Shortly after, Mrs. Driftwood has a heart attack and dies. "She's dead. We've killed her." Have a nice guilt.

All Andrea can say is "This wasn't in the script. It wasn't in the script." Screw your script! They're back at the house and no-one called 911 at the shop because Andrea wants to "regroup" first. No-one gives a damn about Mrs. Driftwood. They're all too worried about getting caught. Andrea shocks them all by saying she never went inside so she won't be to blame even though the entire thing was HER idea. She says she's going to find a phone to call the police and she'll support the girls the best she can. Total bitch. Everyone starts arguing and Jessie ends up telling Andrea to sit her ass down because she isn't going anywhere. Andrea says they should all go to their rooms for now and they'll meet up again at 3PM to decide what to do. Ok, these people are truly idiotic. The woman died of a heart attack. She's not covered in stab wounds or full of bullet holes so no-one would ever think she was murdered. She wasn't murdered! What these fools did was cruel and ridiculous, but they didn't technically kill her. So why the hell won't anyone call 911?!?! GAHHHHH!

Abby takes the nearly hysterical Nina to her room where Leila tells Nina that the entire thing has to be a joke and Mrs. Driftwood is probably just acting. Nina feels better, but Jessie comes in and says it's NOT a joke and Mrs. Driftwood IS dead because she herself examined her. Thank you, Doctor Doofus. Nina goes to her own room to cry alone and Jessie leaves which means Abby is alone with Leila who has a bone to pick. "There's something going on between you and Gordon, isn't there!" You just watched a woman die and all you want to talk about is Gordon? Kill me now. Abby pretends she doesn't know what Leila is talking about, but Leila saw how she acted when Gordon showed up. Leila says she doesn't feel that bad about dating Gordon because it was his decision to leave Abby for her. I just...I just really don't care about any of this. Leila flips out two seconds later and screams "You stay away from Gordon!" I think it would be in everyone's best interest if Gordon would just go ahead and drop dead. Abby retaliates by screaming "Don't you threaten me! Don't you ever threaten me!" and throwing a container of blush at Leila. That pretty much takes the fight out of Leila and she leaves the room to check on Nina.

A few moments later, Abby is shocked when Gabriella enters the room. She says it wasn't too hard to figure out where the girls were staying and she's very vague about why she came at all. She leaves the room and Abby sits in front of the mirror to draw all over her face with red lipstick, one of the many habits of the truly insane.

Nina and Jessie are talking on the porch when they hear a gunshot and see a man running through the weeds. If you guessed it's Gordon, dear, you would be correct. But it's 3 PM and Jessie and Nina have to meet up with the other girls so they don't think anymore about it. A storm has blown in and two girls argue over who should close an open window against the rain. Because that's worthy of an argument. *sigh* Everyone realizes Andrea is nowhere to be seen. They go upstairs and she's lying on the floor in a pool of blood, dead. "She's been shot!" Bad little Gordon! They go back downstairs and the storm causes the lights to go out so the girls light candles and argue about whether to go out into the storm to find a phone. Then Abby announces that one of them must be a killer, but Nina speaks up, says it has to be Gordon, and explains what she saw and heard earlier. Then they hear someone banging on the door. OF COURSE it's Gordon and the moment he enters the house, Nina starts screaming that he killed Andrea. He says he didn't kill her and he was only running off because he didn't want anyone knowing he snuck in the night before. Abby says he was there to see her and was with her all night *wink wink*. Gordon says that's a lie and he was there to see Leila. Jessie finally interrupts and says she's locking Gordon in on the bedrooms upstairs just to be safe until they can get help.

Leila is now sitting in the kitchen drinking tea and thinking about what she always thinks about (rhymes with 'schmordon'). She decides she needs to go talk to Abby, but when she goes into their room, Abby turns and says "I'm not Abby. I'm Gabriella." According to Leila, Abby doesn't have a sister. Apparently this is what happened to Abby when Gordon broke up with her for Leila. She went completely and created another identity for herself. Gabriella is the bad side of Abby, the one who takes care of business if you know what I'm saying. Gabriella is not too happy with Leila. Gabriella thinks Leila should pay for hurting Abby. Gabriella has a gun...

Nina is in the living room bemoaning the shithole that her life has become and thinking about her home and how she doesn't wanna room with Leila anymore. A second later, she looks down and sees a phone cord. She tells the others and they find that the cord is plugged into a jack, but there's no phone to be found. Then they all hear a scream.

Gabriella has forced Leila into the basement at gunpoint. She's prepared to shoot her in the face, but Gordon interrupts. Gabriella says she has plenty of bullets, enough to kill both Leila AND Gordon. What a peach. Gordon leaps at Gabriella for the gun, a shot is fired, and Leila screams. The other girls come running at the sounds and find Gabriella and Gordon rolling on the floor and fighting to get the gun (while Leila stands by and does nothing), but Nina goes over and grabs the gun before either of them can. She tells Gordon to get away from Abby and he does. He runs to Leila and Abby looks at them and says with a smile on her face "I'll kill you, Leila. I'll kill you." And no-one would blame you, precious. "I killed Andrea. And I killed Mrs. Driftwood." Well, now, that's a different story. After she says that, Andrea and Mrs. Driftwood appear at the top of the stairs. They're very much alive and Andrea tells the girls the game is over and they're all Tri Gams now. I can't imagine any of them give a damn about that after all the crap they've been through. Nina tells Andrea that she is disappointed and ashamed about everything and her first task as a Tri Gam is to stop the horrible shit Andrea puts pledges through every year. Leila tells Andrea that Abby's mind is broken and someone needs to call for help. At this point, all Abby can do is repeat "I'm not Abby. I'm Gabriella." Leila cries and says it's all her fault that Abby is this way right after Jessie confesses that she was in on the whole thing. An ambulance arrives for Abby and Leila and Gordon go upstairs. She says she doesn't want to be a Tri Gam and Gordon thinks she's TWISTED for quitting after all this hell. Shut up, Gordon. I mean it, dammit. Anyway, Abby/Gabriella is taken away, presumably to be locked away in a padded cell for many months to come. The other girls will probably have a lifetime of therapy to look forward to. And all for a stupid sorority prank. I think I'm gonna puke...

Conclusion?: If I ever come across anyone named Gordon, I will kick him in the balls SO hard.

Next time: "The New Girl" The very first Fear Street book. 1989 was the year for Fear.

All-Night Party

Book Description:

The night time is the right time - for murder.

Gretchen Davies and her friends all know Fear Island is an awesome place to have a party. You can dance all night, share secrets with your best friends, fall in love... Or die. Because there's a madman loose on the island. A killer who plans to spoil the party. The birthday girl gets to go first, of course. Who's next?

My Description:

Gretchen and her friends Hannah, Gil, Jackson, and Patrick are in Gretchen's blue minivan waiting for the light to turn green. I think we can all agree that minivans kick ass. Maybe this party won't be so bad after all! (It will.) They're on their way to "kidnap" their mopey friend Cindy who thinks they completely forgot about her birthday. Little does she know that she's about to be dragged off to Fear Island against her will for a party everyone will soon regret. Happy birthday, Cindy, you poor pathetic wretch. Gretchen looks at Jackson in the rear view mirror and thinks about how creepy he is and how she's only known him for a short time. She's been receiving weird calls where the caller immediately hangs up when she answers the phone. She thinks it's Jackson because of his creepy ways, mostly his shifty eyes. And yet she allowed him to enter the sacred realm of her blue minivan and tag along on a suicide mission to Fear Island. It must secretly be love...or something that doesn't even remotely resemble love. Either/or.

So they show up at Cindy's house in the middle of the night like sneaky bandits, let themselves into her house, and snatch her off her bed while she completely freaks out. Patrick pulls out a gun and points it at Cindy's head. Once she screams bloody murder, he starts laughing and says it isn't even loaded. Asshole. They blindfold Cindy and she calms down when they tell her they're taking her somewhere for her birthday. These people seriously SUCK. Couldn't they just take her bowling or something? Anything would be better than frigging Fear Island. They may as well shove her head in a toilet or make her eat dog food. Anyway, they all get in the van and Gretchen asks Patrick why he's carrying a gun. He says a prisoner escaped from upstate and was recently seen in the Fear Street Woods. Since Shadyside cops are absolutely useless, the guy is probably still wandering around. Hell, he could camp out in front of the police station and they still wouldn't catch him. They'd probably bring him coffee and crumpets. Patrick goes on to say the guy killed three teenage girls...just like the ones in the van right now! OOOO! The group considers going somewhere else just to be safe, but of course they decide to go to Fear Island anyway because they're not afraid of dying at the hands of a madman. Plus, they worked really hard at getting the cabin ready. Meaning they swept the floor and dusted for cobwebs.

The idiots take a rowboat across Fear Lake to the cabin. On the way, Patrick pretends they're being chased by Jaws (who would never lower himself to this) and the girls talk about Gretchen's boyfriend Marco who she didn't invite because she secretly can't stand him. They finally reach the shore and Gretchen gets to the cabin first, just as it starts to rain. The lights aren't working and as Gretchen enters the dark cabin, someone grabs her. It's Marco who decided to surprise everybody by butting in where he isn't wanted. Gretchen is pissed because he scared her--she thought he was the psycho killer. Don't we all wish?! Gretchen admires Marco's hot body and thinks about what an ass he is. Everybody else enters the cabin and no-one but Cindy (who's a little blonde harlot according to Gretchen) cares that Marco is there which she shows by running into his arms.

The group cook hot dogs in the fireplace. Hannah and Cindy are bitchy with each other over Gil who is currently dating Hannah but once dated Cindy for six months. Gil blatantly flirts with Cindy in front of Hannah. Instead of roasting Gil's chestnuts over the open fire, the girls just bicker with one another over stupid shit like whether Gil likes ketchup or mustard on his hot dog or if Gil prefers Coke (THE MASTER) or ginger ale. WHO THE HELL CARES?? Hannah flees to the kitchen and Gretchen follows. Hannah can't stand Cindy and hates her even more since she won a scholarship Hannah desperately wanted which is a bitch because Cindy's family is pretty rich and she probably doesn't need that scholarship like Hannah does. Hannah tells Gretchen that she wishes Cindy was dead. Good news! In a few hours, she probably will be!

Cindy decides it's time to open her presents which is a lesson in futility for all of us. No matter what you buy for a rich girl, she'll treat it like it's a steaming pile of dog doo because she's got better or can get better. Anyway, Gretchen bought her earrings ("Great earrings."), Hannah got her a bottle of perfume ("Too bad it makes me break out."), Gil and Jackson chipped in together and bought her two tickets to a rock concert ("Cool gift." She drops them to the floor like they're covered with boric acid.), and finally Marco's gift, a box full of slasher movies which sounds pretty good to me, but not to Cindy: "Ohhhh. Gross! Yuck! Ugh! How can any normal person watch that stuff?" Go to hell, Cindy. Patrick says he'll take them and Cindy gives them to him right in front of Marco who is rightly pissed. Almost everyone is appalled at how rude Cindy is being. Except for Patrick who said he didn't wrap her gift so he'll give it to her later. Just admit you didn't buy her anything. No-one will blame you, trust me.

Next, they all decide to put on a CD and dance instead of sitting around thinking about what a little shit Cindy is. Gretchen thinks for the 365866372th time that Jackson is acting creepy because he's staring at her again. Shut up, Gretchen. After dancing, Gretchen goes outside for more firewood and Gil and Hannah walk to the dock. Gretchen goes behind the cabin and overhears Jackson and Cindy talking in the kitchen. She can't make out what they're saying, but they sound pissed off. Then she hears a SLAP which can only mean Cindy finally got SERVED. Don't worry, Cindy. Your face will feel better when it stops hurting. Gretchen decides to ignore this because if it's serious, Patrick and Marco will break it up. And because everybody hates Cindy so who the hell cares if someone pops her in the mouth? Gretchen bumbles through the darkness until her flashlight goes out. Then she starts to panic, rushing back to the cabin. Some doucher pops out of the darkness and grabs her. It's Marco, but Gretchen was positive it was the escaped prisoner and she's angry at Marco all over again. Apparently the dummy didn't learn his lesson the first time he pulled this crap. Gretchen takes the opportunity to tell him she doesn't want to see him anymore. He responds by pulling out a switchblade and hacking at the bark of a tree. "I'm angry." You don't say! The two walk back to the cabin which is totally empty. It starts raining again so Gretchen assumes everyone will show up soon. She goes into the kitchen and finds the slashed body of Cindy on the floor. The party has begun, children.

Marco comes running at the sound of Gretchen puking all over the crime scene. Then Patrick enters with blood all over his shirt. He says he cut his hand and then wonders aloud how the escaped prisoner got in. They go into the living room just as Gil and Hannah come in. Gretchen tearfully tells them that Cindy is dead. They're shocked and Hannah starts crying. Why are these people acting so sad? We KNOW they're smiling on the inside. They discuss calling the police, but Patrick informs them that there are no phones on the island. How convenient. They decide they can't go home because the storm has gotten worse. Would you rather face a damn thunderstorm or a homicidal maniac who might make a lampshade out of your supple skin? Exactly. Jackson comes in with a load of firewood, then heads for the kitchen to make sure Cindy is really dead and it isn't just a joke. The girls insist that they all need to get help, but Patrick keeps contradicting them with excuses. He thinks they should stay in the cabin until morning because he has a gun and can defend them. No comment. Then they all scare themselves shitless with the idea that the killer could be inside with them. I get the impression that the cabin is pretty small so where would he be hiding, in the walls? Plus, Gretchen has been in here for a while. Wouldn't she have noticed if he were there? Wouldn't he have already killed her? Anyway, they search the house and find nothing. A few moments later, Gretchen sees movement on the porch. She steps out and it turns out to be Jackson who went out earlier to prowl around making sure the killer isn't close. As if he could do anything if he actually found a hardened killer in the bushes. Gretchen goes back inside with yet another reason to think Jackson is a weirdo. Marco and Jackson go into the kitchen to make sure the murderer isn't hovering about. They're gone for about 1.5 seconds when Gretchen gets worried, puts her ear to the kitchen door, hears nothing, and screams "The killer IS in there! He killed Marco and Jackson!" Is she completely insane? Silence doesn't automatically equal death. Maybe they're just sharing an intimate moment. Jackson and Marco come running and explain to the stupid Gretchen that they were just checking the cupboard. Gretchen asks Marco about the fight he had with Cindy earlier and he says he never fought with her. Gretchen never actually saw who it was. She heard them and thought it sounded like Jackson. So she assumes he's lying and he's the killer because he's a freaky creepy weirdo who keeps giving her LOOKS. Did she ever think that maybe she has something nasty stuck in her teeth and THAT'S what he keeps staring at? Never mind. Shut your rusty trap, Gretchen.

The night drags on a little longer. Gretchen continues to be paranoid. Hannah and Gil fight about Cindy. The fight ends with Gil screaming that he was going to break up with Hannah to date Cindy again to which Hannah screams "I hate you!" Then they both scream that they wish the other were dead. Gretchen finally tells them to stop. Then the wind blows the door open and EVERYBODY stops. Jackson accidentally left it ajar. They all talk more about killers and Cindy and Jackson tells them to follow him to the kitchen because he wants to examine Cindy's body closer. They follow and Gretchen notices that Cindy is (was?) clutching a baseball cap in one hand. Jackson asks who it belongs to and Patrick says it's his. KILLER! Patrick doesn't know how it got there. LIAR! Hannah cries some more. SOB FACE! Gretchen theorizes that maybe Cindy was going outside and grabbed Patrick's hat so her hair wouldn't get frizzy in the rain. IMBECILE! A few moments later, Gretchen finds a bootprint on the kitchen floor in some flour that Detective Gretchen assumes was spilled when the killer lunged for Cindy. She checks the bottoms of Patrick's boots which are by the door...they've got a coating of flour. KILLER!!! Patrick continues to swear up and down that he did not kill that teenage girl, but no-one believes him this time. They tie him to a chair and prepare to search his things for evidence. Gretchen finds a note from Cindy in Patrick's backpack that proves absolutely nothing: "Patrick, I can't keep our secret anymore. I'm going to tell my parents--no matter what happens. Don't try to stop me. Cindy" They're convinced that Patrick killed her over their little "secret". Then they find a big bloody knife in his sleeping bag. Well, damn. I guess Patrick killed her after all. This party sucks.

The group confronts Patrick with the evidence. Predictably, he denies being a stone cold killer. He says someone is trying to frame him and the killer must be one of them. The only solution is EVERYONE KILL THEMSELVES NOW. Please? Fine, be that way. Didn't know living was so important to you... Also, I thought the damn killer was supposed to be that "escaped prisoner". Patrick is a terrible liar. Anyway, these idiots are now unsure that Patrick murdered Cindy which is why Patrick is definitely the killer--he's smarter than them and can get away with it. He asks to see the note that Cindy wrote and he claims it's a fraud because the 'i' in 'Cindy' isn't dotted with a heart and Cindy always did that. Of course she did. I'm not going to bother with the rest of this unbearable and completely useless conversation because it solves nothing. They continue to question themselves and whether or not Cindy wrote the note and blah blah blah. They end up untying Patrick and then Hannah goes missing. She left...a note. "I can't stay here one more second with a killer. I'm too frightened." You have got to be kidding. Or shrooming. Gil, Marco, and Patrick run outside to look for her. Gretchen has to pull on her boots and Jackson stays behind with her. She considers bashing him the head with a log if he tries anything, but he speaks before she can make a move. "I guess you suspect..." Gretchen freaks out and flees before he can finish. She runs blindly through the forest and falls down a hill. Jackson falls on top of her. He helps her up, she confesses to being afraid of him because he looks at her too much, and he says he only does that because he really likes her. They hike back up the hill and suddenly hear Hannah screaming her head off. They run to the cabin where Gil, Marco, and Patrick are dragging Hannah inside. They accuse Hannah of being the killer and she *sigh* denies it. Gretchen decides all this is making her lips quite dry and she digs through her purse for some delicious Chap Stick. She spills the purse's contents and spots an old note. She reads it and is suddenly positive that she knows who the killer is. Obviously it's Patrick. Gretchen's note is an old one from Patrick and the handwriting matches the Cindy note. Patrick weakly attempts to deny it yet AGAIN which nearly causes my head to explode into bloody chunks, but he finally realizes this is pointless. He calmly pulls out his pistol and says he just might kill them all. He rambles crazily about how Cindy knew a secret about him and teased him over it, but that wasn't really why he killed her. He stabbed her to death because she didn't return his feelings about her and wouldn't date him. "I gave Cindy a birthday party to die for." Yeah...but why did you do it with so many people around, dumbass? And you left so much evidence. You are the worst murderer in Shadyside history, Patrick, and that, sir, is truly pathetic. Truly. Patrick killed Cindy after she slapped him for trying to kiss her.

A moment later, Patrick turns the gun on Gretchen, but he doesn't get the chance to shoot because a police officer magically appears in the doorway. He and his partner get the gun away from Patrick and cuff him. He asks why the cops are here and one of them tells him that Patrick's father told them that Patrick stole his gun and the cops came to get it. Patrick was in trouble once before for setting a fire in Waynesbridge. That was his BIG secret. Cindy didn't even know about it. She used to tell him he looked dangerous, though, and he assumed she was talking about the fire. The book ends with Jackson and Gretchen watching the sunrise and not thinking about the fact that if those cops hadn't shown up, their guts would be nothing but splatters on a wall right now. "Party's over." I hate you, Gretchen.

Conclusion?: This is just a fucking abomination. A plague. A disease. I'm pretty sure reading this thing has taken years off my life.

Next time: "Twisted" Sorority sisters + murder = a hell of a mess.

The Babysitter III

Book Description:

Jenny just wants to forget the man who murdered all the babysitters. The man who almost murdered her. He's dead now. And Jenny's gone to visit her cousin Debra. But Debra has a babysitting job. And now she's getting those phone calls, too. Just like the ones Jenny used to get: Hi, Babes. I'm back. Company's coming...

My Description:

BABES. Just call me BABES. Anywho, Jenny has just taken a job at The Doughnut Hole in the mall for the summer even though she really doesn't wanna. Her mom just got laid off from her job as a legal secretary and Jenny will need to help out. Jenny, baby, $4 an hour just ain't enough...I don't think it was enough in 1993 (when this sucker was published) either. R.L. Stine has no concept of the working (wo)man's plight. Mr. Larson, Jenny's boss who resembles a big luscious doughnut himself, tells her to be there at 6:30 AM on Monday. Jenny practically vomits at the thought of having to be exposed to doughnuts all summer. "What a summer, Jenny thought unhappily. Staring at a wall of greasy doughnuts at six-thirty every morning." What the hell is wrong with her? I've got a heart full of doughnut love and I don't understand the repulsion.

As Jenny leaves the mall, she thinks about her horrifying past as a babysitter. To recap, a crazy man named Mr. Hagen tried to murder her, but he got his skull cracked open at the bottom of a rock quarry and died instantly. Anyway, Jenny comes across her friends Rick and Claire. Rick is pretending to be a bad ass in his METAL MANIACS T-shirt and Claire is a damn bumblebee (that's what you get when wear black leggings with a big yellow shirt. BUZZ.) Jenny whines about her new job and says the only good thing about it is that she's working morning shift so she'll be able to see Cal in the evenings. I'm assuming Cal is her crusty lipped flavor of the week. Rick runs off for an ice cream and as Claire and Jenny are waiting for him, Jenny spots a guy in a red windbreaker that looks an awful lot like Mr. Hagen even though he's supposed to be a mouldering corpse. Why the hell would a homicidal resurrected dead man wear a RED WINDBREAKER? Anyway, as Jenny stares on, the man pops the head off a baby doll. Jenny nearly soils her drawers because she thought it was a real baby. The guy actually stops to explain that the doll is defective so he's returning it to the toy store. Jenny is relieved to see that it isn't that dead guy that tried to kill her after all.

A few days later, Jenny stares in the mirror and thinks about how shitty she looks. Before she can annoy us any further, her mom pops in to tell her that Jenny won't be a doughnut handler this summer because she's going to stay with her cousin Debra and aunt Julia. Mom thinks Jenny is losing her damn mind and might need a little "rest". Jenny whines about how perfect and competitive Debra is and about how she won't be able to see Cal over the summer. MEMO: Shut the hell up.

Jenny agrees to go, though, and decides to gallop off to Cal's house to say goodbye (i.e. make out). She parks across the street from his house and as she's crossing, she hears someone lurking behind her. It's just some guy walking his dog and trying to give Jenny her bag which she dropped in the street in her rush to get away from this "murderer". A few moments later, Cal lets her in and Jenny tells him that she'll be gone for the summer. He says maybe he could come visit, but she shoots him down by claiming that she needs to be alone or something. And yet five seconds ago she was bitching about how to she wouldn't be able to see him for the whoooooole summer. This chick is daffy.

Meanwhile, cousin Debra is somewhere far away harassing some dude named Terry over the phone. I think she's attempting to be coy and cute, but she's coming across like a completely pathetic psycho. She keeps giggling and telling him to guess who it is. She also says she wants him, she's been watching him, and she's his secret admirer. After frustrating the hell out of the clueless Terry, she hangs up and laughs her ass off. Like her cousin, this girl has fudge for brains. Debra looks up and sees her creepy (is everyone in this book completely mental?) ex-boyfriend Don who apparently just can't get over her. Don politely let himself into her house so he could pout in the shadows and beg Debra to talk to him even though there's really nothing to say. Debra tells him to get out and he threatens to tell her new boyfriend Mark that she's been making weird and lusty phone calls to the forever confused Terry. After Debra throws a stuffed dog at him, Don grabs her and kisses her. Jenny show up, though, and Don quickly leaves. The girls catch up a little and Jenny is impressed that Debra has had three boyfriends since Jenny last visited. All of whom were worthless...their lips probably weren't even that dry. Then Debra's mother Julia comes in talking a mile a minute (but is she really saying anything? No.) Julia leaves and Debra says she's late for her job...as a babysitter. NOOOO! Jenny silently panics because Debra wants her to come along, but Debra insists it will be fun so Jenny puts her psychological issues aside to go with her stupid idiot cousin.

As Jenny and Debra walk to Mrs. Wagner's house, Debra complains about her annoying mother. She manages to shut up about that long enough to tell Jenny that Mrs. Wagner is divorced. So Jenny has no reason to be nervous about a Mr. Hagen look-a-like trying to cut her face off. Mrs. Wagner lets the girls inside and leaves for an evening class at the community college. "Don't get married too early. That's what I did. I never got to go to college. So now I have to do it two nights a week." Thank you, Mrs. Wagner. Debra is there to babysit little Peter who is asleep upstairs. The girls get Cokes (YES) and Debra flips on the porch light which is her signal to Mark that it's safe to come in. The girls sit in the living room (Mark is running a little late) and Debra coaxes Jenny to tell the story of Mr. Hagen. Jenny tells all including the plot of the second Babysitter book that I had completely forgotten about until now because it was so unbearably ridiculous. Jenny confesses that she still has nightmares about Mr. Hagen and sees him wherever she goes. She thinks he might still be alive. Apparently Jenny doesn't understand the mechanics of the human body. When your brains pour out of a gaping hole in your skull, YOU DIE. Jenny and Debra stop talking when they hear a cough and some scuffling in the kitchen. It's just some bloated old drunk chick named Maggie rather than a congested dead man. Maggie used to be Mrs. Wagner's housekeeper until she was fired. For some reason, Maggie still has a key to the house so she can come and stalk as she pleases. "I'm back." Yeah, you are. Now get the hell out. Maggie is too damn drunk to take my advice. Seriously, the old bag is wasted. "You can't just turn Maggie off like a faucet." Maggie eventually leaves after finding an old shopping bag she claims is hers and telling the girls that things disappear around here so they should probably get gone. Neither girl pays attention to Maggie (a most rusty faucet) and runs to answer the front door where Mark is waiting.

Mark is a hot, tanned lifeguard who doesn't take his job of GUARDING LIVES very seriously. "Mostly you just sit there. It's almost like watching TV. Except you blow a whistle a lot." You go into the pool...but you don't come out. Jenny mentions that she wants a summer job so she can buy shit and Mark says his dad's friend owns a riding stable and always needs help. He says Jenny could be a "wrangler", someone who helps the kids who come to ride. He never once asks if Jenny has any experience whatsoever with horses. Also, WRANGLER? What the hell is she wrangling? You insult the world with your existence, Mark. The conversation is over when Mark and Debra start kissing. Jenny decides to check on Peter instead of watching these two tongue wrestle. Jenny freaks out because she thinks Peter isn't breathing and screams for Debra. Debra picks him up, sees that he's still alive, and places him back in his crib. Jenny keeps crying and apologizing, Debra comforts her, and Mark has to flee because Mrs. Wagner's car just pulled up.

A few days later, Jenny is on the job at the riding stable. Her job is to put the kids in the saddle and send them on their way. They have a counselor (is this a camp? I don't know anything...) so why couldn't that person do this? Me thinks this job is a convoluted plot device to get Jenny into some sort of horror. Anyway, once the kids are off riding with their counselor, Jenny chats with Gary, a guy from Wyoming who's a REAL wrangler. Not impressed. Not in this town. Jenny does some horse stuff, thinks about some stuff, and as she's leaning against a fence rail (this is a JOB?), she spots a man on a horse riding closer. "Hi, I'm back." Yep, just a dead guy on his trusty steed.

The next night, Debra is on the phone with Mark, telling him about Jenny freaking out the day before because she thought she saw Mr. Hagen AGAIN. Debra hangs up when Jenny comes into the room and tells Debra about her day at the stable which was blessedly normal. Debra has to babysit and says she might call that guy Terry before she leaves. "I have to admit, I get pretty turned on by these calls. What does that say about me?" It says you're a dumb ass. Those calls are the unsexiest things on the planet and since that honor once went to my lopsided boobs, you can rest assured that I know what I'm talking about, woman. Debra decides it'll be so much more amusing if Jenny makes the call. Jenny doesn't want to, but she's a spineless rag and finally agrees. The call is short because Don told Terry it was Debra making the calls and he hangs up pretty quickly. Debra is embarrassed and leaves for Mrs. Wagner's house.

Mrs. Wagner rushes off after telling Debra that Peter is teething and if he gets fussy, just rub some rum on his gums. Don't worry--Peter's father is Captain Morgan so his blood is already 50% rum. Debra has a Coke (HER LIFE) and thinks about calling Jenny. But before she can, she receives a call: "Hi, Babes. It's Mr. Hagen. I'm alive. I'm back. Company's coming, Babes." Get your ass back in the grave where you belong, devil!

The next night, in between kisses in Mark's crappy car, Debra and Mark talk about the call and how Deb can't tell Jenny because Jenny already has one foot in the insane asylum and this will just send her over the edge. They talk about who the culprit could be and Mark admits to telling the Hagen story to some of his friends. He mentions telling TERRY so Debra assumes he made the call to get back at her. The next night, Debra confronts Terry at the Dairy Freez where he works, but of course Terry didn't make that call. Debra is disappointed...then she thinks about how cute Terry is and tries to set him up with Jenny. He says he'll think about it. There's nothing to think about: SAY NO. Poor stupid Terry...

On Friday night, Debra, Mark, Jenny, and Terry (who obviously has no brains at all) go to the movies and to a coffee shop afterward. When Debra and Jenny get home, they see something pale lying in the bushes. It turns out to be a baby doll, but Jenny was convinced it was Peter's lifeless body poking out of the bushes. The little doll comes with a little note: "Hi, Babes. I'm back. See you real soon. Mr. Hagen" Inside the house, the girls go up to Debra's room where Jenny proceeds to cry that it's really Mr. Hagen this time. It doesn't matter that his head barfed out his brain in that rock quarry! He's ALIVE! Not. Debra tells her that it's just a joke and it's probably directed at her, not Jenny, because someone called her at Mrs. Wagner's. Debra says it's got to be some crazy creep playing a sick joke because the dead don't come back to which Jenny replies "Don't they? Don't they, Debra?" Seriously, why isn't someone getting her some help? Her brain is more broken than Mr. Hagen's ever was. Debra asks if Jenny told anyone from home that she was coming here and she mentions Cal. Debra thinks he could be the caller and makes Jenny call him. She does and Cal's mother tells her that he ran away. Of course he did.

At the stables, Jenny comes across Cal. He pulls her onto a horse with him, they gallop off, and suddenly his skin falls off and she's riding with a skeleton named Mr. Hagen. "At last I'm going to take you to the grave with me!" No you're not. Because this is all a dream.

Monday night, Debra is at Mrs. Wagner's, waiting for Mark to show up. She's about to call Jenny when she hears a noise upstairs and goes to investigate. It's just the baby tossing in his sleep. He settles down and Debra goes back downstairs where she calls Mark who is totally pissed. He found out about her calls to Terry and when she tries to explain it was a joke, he hangs up on her. Then "Mr. Hagen" calls. "It's Mr. Hagen, Debra. I'm alive. And I'm coming for you. Real soon." Debra thinks it's Mark, but she also thinks the voice sounds as if it's coming from far away...from BEYOND THE GRAVE! Mwahahaha! "I'll be there. Wait for me, Debra. Wait for me. I've come from so far away to get you." She screams and throws the phone down which wakes Peter. She holds him until he falls asleep again. She goes back downstairs to find freaking Maggie rooting around in the cupboard. Maggie is drunk again and insists that SHE'S the babysitter. Eventually she leaves after telling Debra "I'll come back for what's mine." Later, Mrs. Wagner says she'll change the locks, but I doubt it. I think Mrs. Wagner likes allowing a crazy wino into her home to roam like a free grazing goat.

That night, Debra is awakened by Jenny's screams of terror. She had another nightmare. Debra's parents run in, but they go back to bed after Jenny insists she's fine. Debra tells Jenny she got another phone call last night which just leads Jenny to start all over again with her claims that Mr. Hagen is alive. GAHHH!

At the stables the next day, Jenny doesn't put a saddle on correctly and Gary yells at her. She's distracted by thoughts of Cal. Jenny goes on a break just as thunder and rain start in. She decides to go for a ride on a horse she just named...Thunderclap. On the trail, another rider is behind her and she flips out because she's certain it's Hagen. "I know it's Mr. Hagen. Coming to collect me." Jenny, please, just SHUT UP.

That evening, Debra is babysitting again. She calls home and her mom tells her Jenny still isn't home. They assume she went somewhere with Gary. They never once think she's riding hysterically through the woods in a thunderstorm trying to get away from a dead man on a horse. Hm. Debra calls Mark's house and his mom says he's out. Debra thinks it's weird that he'd be out in this storm so she gets herself a Coke. Because Coke is medicine. Coke doesn't hurt you. Coke just wants to be inside you. Uh...never mind. Anyway, the phone rings, but it's just a wrong number. Debra is feeling paranoid and thinks she hears footsteps upstairs. Then Mrs. Wagner calls and says she'll be a little later than usual. Hoo rah. At 11:00, Debra goes upstairs to feed Peter. She notices that the front door is ajar and convinces herself that Mrs. Wagner simply forgot to close it. In Peter's room, she finds the crib empty. She panics, notices wet footprints on the floor, and rushes downstairs to call the police. Good job, Debra. Usually the idiots in these books try to solve problems themselves without realizing they're too stupid to do so. Unfortunately, the cops are usually just as dumb, possibly dumber. Debra runs downstairs and finds a soaking wet Cal who apologizes for letting himself in but he's looking for Jenny (how did he know to come here?). Debra explains about the baby and asks for his help. Predictably, the phone is dead so the two run next door to use the phone. A couple lets them in, Debra calls 911, and screams "A dead man stole the baby!" Dammit, Debra.

Later, Mrs. Wagner and the cops are at the house and Debra thinks about the fact that Jenny's nightmare is coming true. Speaking of Jenny, no-one knows where she is. Debra actually mentions Mr. Hagen to the police who think she's insane. Mrs. Wagner is afraid Maggie took Peter and is pissed at Debra for not making sure the door was locked even though Maggie has a key and SOMEONE never changed the locks. The phone rings a moment later and the cops tell Debra to answer it. "I got rid of Jenny and I have the baby. Now do you believe me, Babes? Now do you believe I'm really back?" Debra tells everyone she knows where this freak is so they all leave. She leads them to the stables because she's pretty sure that Jenny is behind all this. And she is. Jenny comes out of the barn on a horse. She has a crying Peter in her arms and keeps talking in her Mr. Hagen voice. "I'm not Jenny! I'm Mr. Hagen and I'm back!" Wow. "I'm alive! I'm back from the grave! And I have my baby!" Lightning cracks and scares the horse that Jenny is on and she falls, still holding the baby. (Debra thought the cops shot her.) The rain stops, the baby is safe, and Jenny is presumably hauled away to spend the rest of her life in a padded cell.

Conclusion?: This is some tasty (although slightly moldy) cheese.

Next time: "All-Night Party" Back to the land of murdering teens! (Also, why is "All-Night" hyphenated?)

Cheerleaders: The Evil Lives!

Book Description:

Everybody at Shadyside High remembers when Corky Corcoran destroyed the evil spirit. The evil that attacked the cheerleaders. The evil that killed Sarah Fear one hundred years ago. No-one expected the evil to come back. No-one knew there was only one way to defeat it forever. No-one knew that the answer lay hidden in Sarah Fear's grave. Now the cheerleaders must discover the secret...before it's too late.

My Description:

Part One

 Amanda Roberts is as stiff as a piece of dry spaghetti. Really, she tells us so and that's how we begin this book...this book that will almost certainly dissolve into a heap of stinking doo doo by the time we're done with it. I just get a bad feeling about these Cheerleader books, man. Kick me if I'm wrong! Anyway, Amanda is a senior at Shadyside High and captain of the cheerleading squad which means she'll either be dead or certifiably insane by the end of the book. She's called a Saturday practice and the first couple pages are nothing but the cheerleaders making dirty lustful eyes at the basketball players practicing at the other end of the gym. Two of the guys get into a fight. YAWN.

After practice, Amanda, Victoria, and Janine decide to go to The Corner. Before they leave, Amanda stops to talk to a b-ball player named Judd. Then she turns to see Janine freaking out. She found a little black snake in her gym bag. Two seconds later, a dude named Brandon confesses to putting it there. DEAR GOD I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE BORED. (And I just sat through a three hour astronomy lecture. What did I learn? That I really hate Isaac Newton.) The boys start tossing the defenseless little snake around until Natalie (Brandon is her boyfriend...I think) smacks them in the head with the fact that it's a living thing and she takes it outside.

In the locker room, Amanda finds a duffel bag with a name tag that reads "Corky Corcoran". Inside the bag, she discovers a cheerleading uniform and a photo of five Shadyside cheerleaders. At the bottom of the bag is a small wooden box with a label attached: DO NOT OPEN. EVIL INSIDE. Seriously? No, SERIOUSLY? Is this what the Evil has been reduced to? The disappointment...IT BURNS. She opens the box with the other cheerleaders at The Corner. Inside the box lies a folded letter from Corky along with some other papers. Corky describes the evil that the Evil has wrought. The last line of the letter is "Destroy this box!" I thought Corky drowned the Evil in a toilet or something so how is it now inside this box? Before anyone can look at the other papers, Amanda's raggedy ass boyfriend Dustin interrupts. Amanda doesn't even really like this lump, but he's all over her like white on rice. She only stays with him because he's a basketball player and cheerleaders are destined to be with b-ball players. It's written in the stars or some shit. Anyway, she purposely didn't tell him she was coming here, but he sniffed her out. "I found you." Unfortunately. Dustin gabs on about basketball and Luke and Brandon getting in a fight and then he offers Amanda a ride home because he just assumes it's time for her to leave. She says she drove herself and they walk to the parking lot where she breaks up with him. YES! Dustin goes catatonic, but manages to drive away. YES!

At home, Amanda receives a phone call from a stranger with "a husky voice" so you know it's some kind of creep. "This is the evil spirit, Amanda. I'm alive. I'm coming for you." I wish. WE ALL WISH. But it's just Amanda's friend Keesha. She tells Amanda that Janine has the box and the other papers were instructions for calling the Evil. These idiots decide they'll conjure the spirit with some other cheerleaders the next night. They hang up and Amanda goes down the hall to talk to her sister Adele. Adele is in college now, but she remembers Corky from high school. She tells Amanda about the horrible way Corky's sister Bobbi died and Adele asks Amanda if she's done something to disturb the Evil. Amanda lies and I cries.

The next afternoon, Amanda decides that the box must be destroyed. When she enters the gym for cheer practice, she hears Keesha scream "She's killing her!" Natalie and Janine are beating the shit out of each other which is just so great. The other girls break it up and ask why they were fighting. Natalie's boyfriend (Luke? Brandon? I can't remember and can't be bothered with caring because they all SUCK.) will be playing in a basketball game on Friday while Janine's boyfriend will be bench warming. Apparently Natalie was gloating about it and Janine jumped her. I can't think of a dumber reason for a fight. Practice goes on as usual and at the end, Amanda sees Dustin sitting in the bleachers with an odd look on his face. The kind of look a wolf gets just before it devours a baby bunny's still beating heart.

That evening, Amanda is walking to fellow cheerleader Victoria's house to conjure the evil spirit even though she decided earlier to destroy the freaking box. Evil is gonna get buck wild tonight, kids. Stupid cheerleaders. Before Amanda can get to Victoria's, Dustin pops out of the bushes like a psychotic jack-in-the-box. He wants to "talk". He brings up her crush on Judd and blames that on their break-up and not the fact that he's a nutjob. Amanda ends up running hard to Victoria's house to get away from him. Teenage romance gives me bleeding ulcers.

When Amanda arrives at Victoria's, she's surprised that all the lights are out except for a bunch of black candles. The girls are just preparing to conjure their evil spirit friend which will cast them all into a hell on earth. What, Fear Street not enough for you, hmm? Damn gourd heads. Anyway, Amanda gets really pissed off at the fact that the other girls seem to think it's a big joke. She tells them what Adele told her earlier, but the girls brush it off. The more hysterical Amanda becomes, the funnier they think it is. Of course, in the end, Amanda goes along with them because it's illegal to have a mind of your own. Janine gets the pages with the evil conjuring words and everyone sits in a circle to chant them. A moment later, 2 bright lights flash, the kitchen door bangs open, and a dark figure enters. AIEEE! Never mind...it's just Judd and Brandon. Judd promptly faints like an old lady with vapors. When he wakes up, he says he gets dehydrated after basketball practice. Victoria gives him some orange Gatorade (WHERE'S MY COKE?) while Amanda silently ponders whether it was dehydration or something EVIL that caused Judd to pass out. Personally, I blame his tight little corset.

It is now Friday night and the cheerleaders are at a game. The Shadyside Tigers are playing the Lincoln Hornets. Natalie's boy toy Luke has the ball, but he's not going for the basket. Luke starts to run up the bleacher stairs but trips and slams his head on the edge of a seat. Amanda notices something lying next to him. "The "thing" was the top of Luke's head. His skull. His hair. His scalp--completely torn off." Does this mean the Hornets win?

Part Two

 Four days later, everyone attends Luke's funeral. Afterward, Brandon, Victoria, Keesha, Natalie, Janine, and Amanda hang out at Amanda's house where Natalie accuses Janine of being happy that Luke is dead because now Janine's boyfriend Brandon will get Luke's place on the basketball team. Yes, she IS serious. Natalie runs out of the house and BRANDON of all people decides to go after her. Suspicious? Indeed.

The doorbell rings a few minutes later. It's Judd looking for Brandon. Amanda tells him Brandon isn't there and invites him inside. He goes in and they all talk about Luke some more. Judd tells them they're dedicating Friday night's game to Luke. Soon, all the girls leave and Amanda is conveniently alone with Judd. They kiss and Judd confesses he felt as if he were possessed or something the day Luke died. Amanda thinks it must be the Evil coming through.

After school on Friday, the gym is packed for a pep rally. Janine is depressed about the Natalie situation, but all Natalie is thinking about is the Evil. She wants to tell the principal that they conjured it. WHY? So they can be laughed out of her office? How will that help? The girls start their cheering and afterward, Ms. Oakley (the principal) gives a speech about Luke. Then more cheering. But this time, no-one in the crowd is cheering along. They're all completely losing their shit because Natalie's face and skull are cracking apart, blood pooling at her feet. Everyone flees the gym as the basketball coach covers Natalie's now lifeless body with a piece of canvas. Amanda sees Janine staring down at the body a little too calmly. Automatically, Amanda assumes that Janine is possessed by the Evil and therefore accidentally killed Luke and Natalie. Janine walks over to Amanda and leads her to the locker room. Janine says she's terrified and they really must have brought the Evil back because the tops of heads aren't supposed to pop off and faces shouldn't just crack open like that! The girls think about how they can get rid of the Evil. Amanda remembers that Corky wrote that everything began in the Fear Street Cemetery so they should probably go there...to do stuff...or something. They decide to go now even though it's getting dark and Fear Street sucks even more at night.

The girls stumble through the cemetery searching for Sarah Fear's grave. They soon find it and are shocked to see that the grave has been dug up and the moldy coffin is wide open and empty. DUN DUN DUN! The girls don't have time to examine the grave because they hear someone coming. They run and come face to face with frigging Dustin. He confesses that he followed them here because he's losing more of his mind everyday. Dustin says he wants to talk, but Amanda just wants to leave and says they can talk later. But noooooo. Dustin just stands there so Amanda tries to run around him. She slips and falls into Sarah Fear's stinking grave. She understandably freaks the hell out and attempts to grab Dustin's hand so he can pull her out, but she falls backward and Dustin's face grows smaller and smaller as she falls...and falls...and falls. Somehow.

Part Three

 Amanda swirls through the worm hole at the bottom of the grave until she lands in an old timey town. She immediately spots two girls talking. They refer to each other as Sarah and Jane so Amanda assumes one is Sarah Fear. Sarah rants to her red haired friend Jane about how pissed she is about being forced to marry Thomas Fear and how lucky Jane is to be traveling to London soon. Then Sarah talks about the plan she and Jane recently developed. Since Sarah has never even met Thomas Fear, she's going to send Jane to Shadyside in her place. Jane will pretend to be Sarah, marry Thomas, and the real Sarah can pretend none of this ever happened as she flits gaily through the streets of London (is this during the time of Jack the Ripper?). The two ride off in a carriage while Amanda stays behind to black out. She wakes on a ship that's capsizing in the middle of the ocean. Some girls have all the luck. Sarah is standing at the railing with the other passengers, whining about how she could be on her honeymoon with Thomas Fear rather than facing a watery grave. Amanda and Sarah are thrown overboard and Sarah drowns. Amanda is underwater with her and watches as a green liquid comes spewing out of Sarah's mouth. "It's the Evil!" My friend!

Part Four

 Amanda wakes at the bottom of Sarah Fear's grave. She's soaking wet with Evil water. Dustin drags her out (how long was she gone?) and she tells him and Janine that she travelled back in time. She explains everything including the fact that "Sarah Fear" was actually "Jane Hardy". Janine and Dustin think she's crazy because she was only in the grave for a few seconds. Are they not wondering how she became drenching wet? Janine drives Amanda home and when Amanda gets out of the car, she sees muddy footprints leading to her house. Amanda goes upstairs (she's...HOME ALONE) and hears someone in her bedroom say "Amanda. Come in." She peeks inside and stares at a rotting half corpse, half skeleton thing that goes by the name Sarah Fear. "Come in, Amanda. We must hurry. You and I are going to trade places now." Oh GAWWWWD. Except Amanda just imagined that. She goes into her room where she finds a wet and muddy note from Sarah Fear. "You and your friends have awakened a great Evil. The Evil takes pleasure in killing. You are next, Amanda." Amanda hurries and changes her clothes so she can go to Janine's house because she's the one will all the Evil paperwork. She opens the front door and Judd is standing there with MUDDY SHOES. No! Yes! NOOO! Amanda is instantly convinced the Evil is inside Judd. She flips out and practically shoves him out, saying she's gotta get to Janine's. He offers to drive her and she goes because...she's an idiot? They near Janine's house and see her pulling away in her car with Brandon. Judd follows them and they end up at the cemetery. Amanda leaps out of the car to get away from Judd even though it's probably the other two she needs to worry about. Amanda sees Janine and Brandon near Sarah Fear's grave. She grabs Janine and tells her the Evil is in Judd. He's right behind her when she says it and he's hurt, man, he's real hurt. Amanda changes her mind about Judd when she sees Brandon's eyes glowing bright green. Green is the color of EVIL. Brandon ends up killing Judd and Amanda beats Brandon with a tree branch intil he falls unconscious into the grave. Then Sarah Fear shows up. *sigh* What a circus. Janine and Amanda run, but they turn to look just as Brandon leaps out of the grave and attacks the ragged corpse of Sarah Fear. Amanda realizes that the corpse is Jane and the real Sarah's spirit is in Brandon. The corpse shoves Brandon who grabs Amanda who shoves Brandon who pulls Amanda into the grave with him. (Half of my brain cells just disintegrated.)

Part Five

 Amanda wakes (I feel like I've typed that 500 times) to realize that she's back on that sinking ship. WINNER. This time, Sarah and Jane are there...and Brandon. The two girls are fighting because Sarah is a bitch who possessed anyone she could after she died. They struggle and Jane pulls Sarah overboard. They both drown.

Amanda wakes (AGAIN!) in a hospital where Janine acts completely confused when Amanda mentions the Evil and Luke and Natalie dying. She says Luke and Natalie are fine and she's never heard of a Sarah Fear. Amanda asks to see Brandon who has the same memories as Amanda. Then they both look at each other with glowing green eyes and Amanda says "We can't rest. You and I have so much work to do!" Shit.

Conclusion? NO. If you value any shred of your intelligence, you will not read this book. I repeat, DO NOT READ THIS BOOK. I am absolutely dumber for it.

Next time: "The Babysitter III" I will never understand how there are FOUR of these things...

Seniors #8 - Sweetheart, Evil Heart

Book Description:

Ty Sullivan thinks he's so hot. Especially since he's seeing three girls - all at the same time. And when Ty gets a valentine from the mysterious Amy, he decides to go out with her, too. But Amy isn't like the other girls... She's dead.

My Description:

We begin this tale of heartache and woe with Ty Sullivan bragging to his friend Mickey about what a stud he is. "I'm telling you, Mickey. I'm a wanted man." If you've read the other Seniors recaps on this here blog, you know that I loathe Ty Sullivan with the fiery heat of a thousand equatorial suns. Honestly, I can't remember why (I think it's mostly that he's a smug arrogant turd) but that doesn't matter. The hatred LIVES! Anyway, Ty is a jackass who is dating Phoebe Yamura, Trisha Conrad, and Marla Newman, all three of whom need their asses kicked to a pulp for letting this idiot manipulate them. (I'm not even on the third page and I'm already slamming my face into the wall. This one's gonna be a heartbreaker, kids.) Ty thinks about his gorgeous girlfriends and how awesome he is. This guy is in complete ORGASM over himself. "I am definitely at the top of Shadyside High's most wanted list." Kiss my white ass, Ty. Mickey tells Ty to watch out because Trisha already has a boyfriend, Gary Fresno, and he's a real badass. You can tell because he fights a lot and wears lots of leather and tight, scrotum-crushing jeans (I assume). Marla shows up a moment later so Ty hangs up on Mickey, checks out his hot bod (YACK!) in the mirror, and runs downstairs to meet Marla. They head up to the attic to "study". That's his idea of a date. Making out in a musty attic while his 11 year old sister is a room away. Seriously, I hate you, Ty. He rakes the 500 layers of dust off an old loveseat while Marla conveniently loses her balance and bumps into an old desk, knocking out an old valentine that's been waiting for this moment for years. Ty picks up the heart shaped card and reads the note inside.

Dearest Tyler,
I've been waiting so long for you. I ache for your kiss. Write to me or I will die. Bring your letter to the Shadyside Cemetery and leave it under the old elm tree near the Fear family tombstones.
Love, Amy

This chick is way dramatic. Ty assumes this was written to his great grandfather a long time ago because his grampy's name was Tyler. Ty thinks Amy sounds hot. WHAT ABOUT THAT LETTER WAS HOT? Marla decides to leave after giving Ty a "long, sizzling kiss". She also mentions that the Valentine's Dance is going to be at a craptacular club called Red Heat this year, but Ty doesn't really say anything because he has three girlfriends and can't exactly take them all. After Marla leaves, Ty fingers the valentine until the doorbell rings. It's Phoebe and she's curious as to why she just saw Marla driving away. He says she dropped off some biology notes (and her sloppy tongue). Phoebe buys it and the two have a Coke while Phoebe reads the ULTRA HOT valentine. Then they make out and Ty thinks about Amy the whole time. He seems to think the valentine is actually for HIM. How would anyone have gotten it into a desk in his attic? If it's a recent delivery, why does the thing look as old as Methuselah? But Ty doesn't give a damn about pesky logical questions. He just wants his woman. "Whoever she was, she sounded like a real babe." Define 'real babe'. Because I don't understand how you're getting that, sir.

A few days later, Ty is driving Trisha home in his kick ass Celica. They're just coming off a date on the Conononka River. Can you feel the romance? Me neither. Trisha brings up the Valentine's Dance, but Ty says they shouldn't go because it could cause trouble. Then Trisha says she recently had one of her famous visions. In this one, someone from the past was chasing her and Ty. He asks if the person's name was Amy, but Trisha couldn't see who it was and now she's all suspicious about who this AMY person is. If you only knew...that Amy is the least of your problems. Ty tells her about the letter and says he actually wrote back and put the letter in the cemetery for Amy. "Just as a goof, I guess." You guessed wrong. Amy is forgotten a moment later when Trisha realizes Gary is following them. Ty makes some twisty turns and loses the stalker, but not for long. At the next stop light, Gary pulls up behind them, jumps out of his car, and starts pounding on Trisha's window and screaming at her to get out of the car. Ty gets out and tells Gary to get lost and he does, but only because another car has pulled up and is honking its horn because stupid teenagers clogging traffic with their fighting and dirty love triangles are so annoying. Oh, but wait! Gary was only PRETENDING to walk away. He turns back and shoves Ty against the car before telling him "You'll pay for this." Two guys from the traffic piling up come and grab Gary before he can really mess Ty up. Trisha ends up leaving with Gary and Ty rushes home to eat before going to Marla's. He's received a letter from Amy, sent through the mail this time rather than the magical dusty desk portal.

Dearest Ty,
I knew you would come. I knew you were my soul mate. Nothing can separate us now. Not even a hundred years. Please bring me another note.
Love, Amy



The next day at school, Ty is messing around in the hall with his friends. They seem to enjoy talking about the fact that Ty might get caught with one girlfriend by another girlfriend. They're quite jealous of their jerky little friend. Ty spots Gary at the end of the hall. Gary gives him an evil look and mouths "You're a dead man." Yay for death threats! Ty's friends warn him to stay away from Trisha for the sake of his health. Then they run off because they don't want to be seen with a doomed bilge rat.

Ty hangs out at his house with Phoebe after school because he's afraid someone will see them together. Phoebe points out the newest decaying letter from Amy and they read it together.

Beloved Ty,

Your notes keep me alive, even though we're separated by so much time. I shall always be true to you, my dearest. Are you being true to me? I am ashamed to confess that I have a terrible, jealous temper!

Love, Amy

This should work out well for you, Ty. Phoebe thinks it's someone playing a joke (as any reasonable person would assume) but Ty doesn't believe it. Too much lovin' makes you an idiot. The two loveworms start kissing but are interrupted by the phone. Ty answers, but there's too much static to hear anyone so he hangs up. The phone rings again, Ty answers again, and when a voice says "It's Amy...Amy. Ty, can you hear me?", he hangs up. Phoebe leaves a moment later and Ty is left alone to think of Amy and the fact that she might be a wee pissed off if she knew about his other girlfriends. This is the closest he'll ever get to guilt.

That evening, Gary is driving Trisha home and wondering why she had to go around with Ty Sullivan. He thinks it's because he (Gary) is too poor for rich Trisha, but she denies it. Gary drives like a maniac, scaring Trisha until she finally screams that she'll never see Ty again. Trisha manages to make it home in one piece and finds a nice surprise waiting - a valentine that says "Stay away from Ty. He's all mine now." He's all yours, sister! Trisha has a vision of some guy with a bloody head wound and she knows it's either Ty or Gary. Someone is gonna die. Eventually. Probably. Hopefully.

At lunch the next day, Trisha tells Dana Palmer about her vision and they talk about Ty and Gary who Dana declares dangerous. Or dangerously stupid. After school, Trisha drives to Gary's house in the shitty part of town. She finds him in his garage and she warns him about her vision. He brushes it off by saying she'd like to see him dead because he's not good enough. Then he grabs her and says he'll make sure it's Ty she saw in that vision. Dammit, Gary, SHUT UP.

That night, Trisha goes to Waynesbridge with Ty. Because everyone in this book is a foolish twit. She tells him about her vision and Gary's reaction. Then she mentions the valentine and shows it to him. He freaks out because it's Amy's handwriting. After the two see a movie, they come out of the theater to find all four tires on Ty's car completely flat and a bloody dead rabbit with a knife sticking out of its chest in the back seat. Ty is furious because he believes Gary did it. "If Gary thinks he can scare me off, he's totally wrong. I'll get him for this!" Liar.

Ty calls a cab for Trisha and a tow truck for himself. After he gets his tires changed, he drives to Gary's place to get revenge for something he's not even sure the guy did. Ty accuses Gary, Gary punches Ty in the face because he didn't touch Ty's stinking car, and Ty leaves. The whole thing is over in about two seconds. Ty goes home to find a new note from Amy. "I warned you about my jealous temper." It's written on the back of a photo of Amy. She's wearing a cloak and bonnet and some emo sad eyes. Ty realizes Amy trashed his car and thinks NOW would be a good time to end the letter writing because this dead girl is getting crazy. So he writes her to tell her not to bother writing anymore because things are getting too intense and he's too much of a wuss to handle it.

At school the next day, Ty finds a note in his locker. A note written in thick, dripping blood. "You're dead. Love, Amy" She has a way with words...and blood. After school, Ty runs into Phoebe in the student parking lot and they make a date for later, assuming Ty is still alive later. Ty goes home to find yet another letter, this one informing him that his cruelty is unforgivable and his girlfriends will have to die along with him. Ty decides to write her in an effort to save his worthless ass. He apologizes and says it would be better if they stayed apart. But Ty can't resist being an asshole and ends the letter with "And please leave us alone." It's signed "Good luck, Ty" Good luck? She's dead, moron. I think that's a pretty good sign that her luck ran out a long time ago.

A little later, Phoebe comes over and they do that thing they do. Until they're interrupted by Marla who claims someone just tried to kill her. Ty doesn't care. He's more worried about making sure that Phoebe knows that Marla is only here for her biology notes, nothing else, nothing touchy or tongue-y.

The next day, Ty tries to convince himself that Marla was attacked by a girl gang. No comment. Absolutely NO comment. But Ty gets a slap in the face when Marla shows him the note she received. "I may be dead - but you are next to die. Stay away from him." In the cafeteria at lunch, he sees Phoebe who shows him her own note from Amy. "He's mine, not yours. I'll make sure you can't have him. Because you'll be dead - like me." Later, Trisha also shows him a note from Amy. "I warned you, but you didn't listen. You didn't stay away from him. You will pay - and join me with the dead." Trisha wants to know why Marla and Phoebe also got notes and Ty tells her it's all just a dumb joke and she believes it.

A few days later, Ty calls Trisha to ask if she wants to go to the dance with him, but she's decided to go with Gary. Then he calls Phoebe who tells him she can't go because she twisted her ankle at cheerleading practice. Ty thinks she's lying because she's afraid of dying and he hangs up to call Marla. She can't go because she's supposedly going to her grandma's birthday party that night. Ty is alone and oh how he regrets it.

It's now Saturday night and Ty has just showed up at Red Heat for the dance. Across the packed room, he spots a weirdo in a bonnet. Looks like Amy tracked him down. Old dead chicks have noses like bloodhounds...and Ty sure does stink. Amy vanishes before Ty can speak to her. Then he sees her standing near the balcony staring at him. He runs up the stairs, but the moment he reaches the top, Amy is back downstairs. Really? Are we really playing this game? I feel like I just stepped into some stupid Abbott and Costello movie. When Ty finally catches up to her, she attempts to kill him by throwing him over the balcony, but before that can happen, Ty pulls off her bonnet...and sees Phoebe. Then two more bonnet girls appear. Marla, Trisha, and Phoebe pulled this prank to get back at Ty for screwing them all over. All the letters were written by them. Ty feels like a total ass for believing that a dead girl was stalking him. He makes his way toward the door and spots ANOTHER bonnet girl. She slips out the door and Ty chases her.

Meanwhile, Trisha, Marla, and Phoebe are feeling a little guilty over crushing Ty and psychologically scarring him for life. Girls, your guilt is tainting my joy at seeing Ty practically cry and wet himself so kindly cut the shit. As they're talking, they realize that none of them planted the dead bunny or slashed the tires. They just figure some creeps from Waynesbridge did it for no apparent reason. They head to the parking lot to search for Ty. They find his bleeding body at the edge of the road. "Ty Sullivan was dead." WHAAAAAT?

Later, the police inform them that Ty was hit by a car. The girls feel horribly guilty as they talk to the detectives. They tell them about the joke, but the detectives don't find it funny, especially since one of the valentines was found in Ty's pocket. The detectives want to keep them for more questioning and the girls are terrified that they'll be blamed for Ty's death.

Trisha gets home a few hours later where she has a vision. In this one, she sees Ty running and calling Amy's name. Then he's slammed by a car which just keeps going after it hits him. Trisha decides to call Gary just to make sure he didn't murder Ty, but he never answers the phone. GUILTY!

On Monday, the halls of Shadyside High are filled with talk of Ty's death. Trisha can't stop thinking of her vision and who could have possibly killed Ty. She sees Gary and he gets pissed because she's still thinking about Ty even though he's now a dead man, but he quickly apologizes. He says he wants to show her something and leads her outside to the parking lot. It's a new red car...the same color as the car Trisha saw plowing over Ty. And it has a dent in it. Perhaps made by the fleshy body of a 17 year old creep? Gary says he "borrowed" the car and wants to take her for a drive, but she refuses and runs away. She runs all the way to the cemetery and finds Justin Thompson (resident nerd) there as well. Justin is acting very strange. He offers to walk Trisha home, but she declines and he says "I like you...a lot. I bet you didn't know that." It wouldn't be so odd if he wasn't trying to moisten his desert dry lips the entire time. When Trisha doesn't give in to his parched passion, he says she should be grateful to him for getting rid of Ty for her. "I had to kill him, Trisha. I did it for you, don't you get it?" Uh, no, no-one "gets it", oh crazy bespectacled one.

Trisha flees but trips and falls which gives Justin the opportunity to grab her by the throat and start to choke her. She pokes him in the eyes, he lets her go, and promptly trips, cracking his skull against a gravestone. Justin died because he was a clumsy nerd. I now fear for my own life more than ever.

After school on Wednesday, a memorial service is held for Ty. I guess they just dumped Justin's murdering ass in a shallow hole in the woods. They probably let a roving pack of feral dogs dig his grave. Trisha goes home afterward and finds an apologetic note from Gary. Trisha loves him again since she's sure he's not a murdering psycho. Gary "spontaneously" rides up on a blue mountain bike, the ride of choice for all badasses who desperately want to look less like hit-and-run killers. Gary ends up telling her that Justin loaned his car to him on the day that he died. Very useless information, boo boo.

On Friday afternoon, Trisha and Phoebe are walking home together. Phoebe wants to take a shortcut through the cemetery where Trisha nearly met her maker. They pass the headstone that Justin fell upon and Trisha is shocked to see the name on it: Amy Fear 1872 - 1890. The End...or is it? (No it isn't. This is Fear Street, after all.)

Conclusion? That ending is just VOMITOUS.

Next time: "Cheerleaders: The Evil Lives!" These damn cheerleaders are back to end the EVIL! for good.

The Mind Reader

Book Description:

A bony hand beckons from a shallow grave... But only Ellie Anderson can see the skeletal hand. Ellie has visions -- visions of past secrets and future horror. Her visions have led her to the body of a girl who was killed two years before. Now her power may help her find the murderer...unless he finds her first!

My Description:

Ellie is visiting Alma's Coffee Shop (what about the damn Doughnut Hole?!) for a Diet Coke and a chance to talk to her BFF Sarah who works there. Both girls get distracted by a good looking guy who walks in and takes a booth. Ellie decides he's in college because he's wearing a sport coat with a denim shirt and jeans. So sexy, so mature. Sarah goes to take his order while Ellie drools all over the counter. Sarah comes back with a name: Brian Tanner. A few moments later, Ellie feels a desperate urge to get the hell out of dodge and far away from Brian Tanner so she runs off. Mind Reader AWAAAAAY! (For the rest of this book, I'm pretending Ellie is a superhero called The Mind Reader. Her mission: to protect the world from weirdos in sport coats and murderous males with a murderous gleam in their eyes and dried flakes of skin falling off their lips.

Ellie goes home and takes her black Lab, Chaz, for a walk. Of course they end up on Fear Street where Ellie mourns the fact that her visions make her life so much worse. She lost a friend and a boyfriend because of it. Once, when she was a kid, she saw her dog Jake being hit by a car and it actually happened. She found his little corpse by the side of the road. (Damn these tears!) Ellie decides it's time to go home, but Chaz isn't letting her leave so quickly. He brings her a strangely long bone and starts howling his head off, dragging her toward some bushes in the woods. Chaz has found what's left of a human hand. Good dog! You've just found your first corpse on Fear Street!

Ellie runs out of the woods and flags down a car filled with four stupid seniors from Shadyside High. She and Chaz hitch a ride to the police station where a condescending cop questions her story. Two words, buddy: DEAD PIG. Ellie is passed to another cop, Lieutenant Wilkins, who happens to be Sarah's father and he believes the story. In the woods, the cops find the big bone Chaz brought to Ellie. "That's no deer bone." What a relief. Ellie can't find the hand, though, and she gets a sinking feeling it was a vision. But she finally locates it behind a big rock because The Mind Reader is just that awesome. Sarah and a group of less important teenagers show up. Brian Tanner is also there standing off to the side and looking NOT AT ALL suspicious. He disappears a moment later. One of the officers finds a scrap of red fabric and Sarah collapses at the sight of it. She's fine a few seconds later but has no idea why she randomly passed out. Got a little something gnawing at your subconscious, Sarah? Don't deny!

The next day, some meathead named Frank Schuler comes running up to Ellie to talk about the night before. Ellie can't believe he's lowering himself to speak to her--he never has before. Frank's brain dead girlfriend Patty also gallops up to flap her floppy horse lips about Melinda, Sarah's older sister. Melinda disappeared and was supposedly wearing a red shirt the night it happened which explains why Sarah fainted when she saw the scrap of red. Ellie is fairly new to town and didn't know about Melinda. She runs to a pay phone to call Sarah's house, but no-one answers. Ellie decides it's Melinda's body in the grave in the woods. The Mind Reader don't need no damn evidence--she feels it in the gut...of her mind.

After school, Ellie heads to her job at the Shadyside Public Library. Brian (I keep typing that as Brain which we all know he isn't) shows up and asks if she can help him find a book on primitive weapons. He admits he could have found it himself, but he wanted an excuse to talk to her. Smooth. Or whatever the complete polar opposite of smooth is. They awkwardly converse and Ellie finds out that Brian attends Waynesbridge Community College and is quite possibly a creepy stalker based on the fact that he knows she's new to town. I wonder if Ellie's paranoia is marajuana based? Everybody in Shadyside knows everything about everybody else. It is their curse. So the fact that Brian knows she's new to town isn't surprising. He probably also knows her class schedule, her menstrual cycle, and what brand of toothpaste her father's cousin's sister's aunt uses. Anyway, Ellie finds a book on primitive weapons titled "Primitive Weapons" (what are the odds?!) When she pulls it from the shelf, she freaks out because in the empty space is a bloody knife! AIEEEE! It's only a vision, though. She lies and tells Brian her ear-drum-shredding scream was because of a mouse. She hands Brian the book and walks away. He calls her name, but she ignores him, locks herself in the office, and proceeds to lose her mind because she never told Brian her name. *sigh* Shut up, Ellie.

After work, Ellie walks in the dark to Fear Street to visit Sarah, but no-one is home. Ellie looks up and sees a grinning skull in the window. Apparently someone is home after all. Ellie hurries off to see if Sarah is at the coffee shop. As she's walking, Brian pulls up alongside her in his black rape Jeep and offers her a ride. He urges her to get in, but she has a bad feeling about this guy so she refuses and runs to the coffee shop. Ellie asks Ernie, the owner, where Sarah is and he says she never showed up for work. He walks off and frigging BRIAN pops up out of nowhere. Obviously his manly leather elbows are just too much to resist because Ellie is no longer freaked out by him and they talk. They have a few burgers before Ellie sees Lt. Wilkins walk in. She asks about Sarah and he says she's staying with her aunt for a few days. Ellie turns and sees that Brian is gone. Ernie says he dropped some money on the table and ran when he saw Lt. Wilkins. Verrrry interesting. Kind of. Ok, NOT AT ALL. We all know this jackass isn't guilty because he looks too damn guilty!

At home, Ellie finds her dad reading a newspaper with the headline 'Unidentified Body Found In Fear Street Woods' and tells him she found the body. He gets pissed because he doesn't want her involved. He hates the police because some psycho who should have been behind bars killed Ellie's mother. (He always told Ellie her mom died of appendicitis, of all things). They both have a cry and Ellie goes upstairs for a shower to wash away the sads. Oh, and the vomit she couldn't hold back. As Ellie is showering, she looks up and sees the bloody knife from the library. In the most awesome scene of the entire book, the sentient knife dives down in an attempt to stab Ellie. Blood is splashing everywhere (the knife is bleeding, dammit!) and suddenly Ellie hears her mother's voice. Her mom is trying to kill her from beyond the grave with a floating blooded blade? I'm in heaven. Of course that's not what's happening, unfortunately. A moment later, the voice, the blood, and the knife disappear and all Ellie hears is her father telling her that Brian is on the phone. Ellie tells him to tell Brian that she's gone to bed. She goes downstairs and asks her dad how her mother was killed (isn't it obvious, lady?) but he says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

At the library the next evening, Ellie clicks through the microfiche machine for a newspaper article about her mother's death. She was stabbed to death while two year old Ellie sat nearby in a stroller. The Mind Reader (who I'm beginning to think might actually be Brian which pisses me right the hell off) saw her mother die a horrible death but she was too young to remember or understand. Ellie suddenly has a vision and sees her mother saying "I love you" just before she died. SOB! (Seriously.)

After work, Ellie goes to Sarah's house because she believes she's there. Ellie knocks before letting herself in through the unlocked door. Sarah is lying on her bed, a complete wreck. The grave in the woods was indeed Melinda's and Sarah and her father are grieving hard. Sarah eventually falls asleep and Ellie takes the opportunity to snoop around Melinda's room. She has the beginnings of a vision but flees the house before she can see more. Predictably, Brian is waiting nearby and Ellie spills everything. Death and debilitating depression turn Brian on and he asks Ellie out. At first she refuses, but when he mentions rowing to Fear Island, she's all for it. Are these two completely deranged? They'll be near the place where Ellie found her best friend's sister's moldy remains and they're going to have a happy little picnic there? With any luck the free floating knife will nip that in the bud right quick.

On Saturday morning, Ellie sees a news piece about Melinda and learns that the cops are searching for her boyfriend Brett Hawkins. Ellie pushes it out of her mind: "Today is a day for fun." Yeah, good luck with that. Ellie and Brian (or is your real name BRETT? Hm? HMM?) drive to Fear Street Woods with Chaz the dog (a.k.a. the most intelligent being in Shadyside). They canoe. They kiss. They fill themselves with fried chicken and teenage lust. It's all funny sunny rainbows until Brian pulls out a knife to slice an apple and it looks like THE knife. This time it isn't a vision. Brian says it belonged to his grandfather, but Ellie only knows it from her nightmares. She says she needs to go find Chaz who has wandered off. Ellie gets Chaz and mentally talks herself out of seeing the knife as neon sign pointing to Brian as the murderer. They all get into the canoe and Ellie ends up in the drink a few minutes later. She panics because she feels something around her ankle pulling her down. Finally she frees herself and realizes Brian is nowhere to be seen. A fisherman is rowing toward her and then she spots Brian floating facedown in the water. The fisherman picks them both up (Brian is still breathing). Brian claims that he dove in to save Ellie, but the water was so dark with Fear sludge that he couldn't see her so he flailed around like a dying eel, grabbing Ellie's ankle in the process and nearly killing them both. Before Brian passes out he says he's supposed to be saving Ellie. He also says "Melinda" because SOMEBODY has to think of the dead girl.

Later, Ellie goes to the police station to see Lt. Wilkins. She's shocked at how old and shitty he looks. She asks about Brett Hawkins and mentions Brian, but Wilkins says he's never heard the name. "That meant that Brian must have muttered the name of a different Melinda. That meant all Ellie's fears about Brian were ridiculous." YOU BLOOMING IDIOT. Ellie's opinions on Brian change when Wilkins shows her a photo of Brett Hawkins--it's Brian. She tells him about her visions and mentions a buried knife, but decides not to mention Brian. YOU FEEBLE MINDED IMBECILE. He believes it all and they go to the woods where Ellie digs up a knife which Lt. Wilkins identifies as Brett's. FINALLY Ellie decides to tell him that Brett is going by Brian Tanner now and supposedly lives in Waynesbridge. Wilkins leaves and Ellie starts to walk home when she comes across a dirty Sarah who's wearing only a bath robe. She flips out and runs away when Ellie tells her about Brian. Speaking of Brian, he's waiting in Ellie's living room. "Ellie. Why did you show him the knife?" Because a person is DEAD, moron. After a bit of wrestling, Brian pins Ellie and tells her that, yes, he is Brett Hawkins...and that's as far as he gets because the police are at the door. Ellie runs to the back door because Brett tried to choke her when she went for the front. Lt. Wilkins is there and arrests Brett. Later, Ellie's dad passes on a message from a phone call with Wilkins: Brett escaped and is probably coming for you. Dad uses his last moments with his daughter to tell her that her mother had visions and she too was helping the cops with a case. She helped get a psycho killer arrested and in return, he brutally murdered her in broad daylight. Moral of the story: never cooperate with the law. Even after all that, Dad decides to drive her to the police station after all. YOU BLUNDERING CHOWDER HEAD. You spend all that time telling her that helping the cops will only get her slashed like her mother, but when she tells you it's her duty as The Mind Reader (irony: she's never read a single mind) you herd her straight for the slaughter. Worst. Father. Ever. Dad tells her to warm up the car, Chaz jumps out of the bushes and scares the hell out of her, and off they go! TO DIE.

At the station, Ellie conjures a vision...of blurry gold light. I've officially lost faith in The Mind Reader. A few hours later, after her father has gone to bed, Ellie sneaks out to visit Sarah who desperately needs psychiatric help (Lt. Wilkins = close runner up for Worst Father Ever). Sarah has locked herself in Melinda's room, but Ellie uses her muscle-y leg to kick the door open. The room is trashed and Sarah is pissed because Ellie dug Melinda up. Sarah hated Melinda because Melinda was perfect and their dad loved her more. So when Melinda decided to run away with Brett, Sarah helped her out and now blames herself for Melinda's death. Then Ellie has a vision about Melinda's grave and tells Sarah they have to go there because Melinda wants them to. Sarah grabs one of her dad's revolvers in case Brett shows up and the girls leave for the woods.

Once there, they start digging and come upon a gold button. At that exact moment, Brett steps out of the trees and says "What's that? Did you find the button?" Then the cops show up; a cop drove by and happened to see the suspicious teens in the woods and radioed Lt. Wilkins & Co. Wilkins is prepared to shoot Brett. but Sarah shoots Wilkins first. The gold button belongs to him...somehow Sarah figured out that Wilkins fought with Melinda about Brett and ended up shoving her. She hit her head and died so Wilkins buried her in the woods and tried to pin the whole thing on Brett. Make sense? Didn't think so.

Later, Brett tells Ellie that he's been on the run for a few years, but he was drawn to Shadyside because he saw Ellie in a vision. "I'm kind of like a mind reader. I have visions. Dreams--only I'm wide awake." Ok, that isn't mind reading. Why does this piss me off so much?! Oh, I know--BECAUSE THIS DAMN BOOK IS CALLED "THE MIND READER" AND NO-ONE READS A SINGLE FRIGGING MIND! Anyway, visions visions blah blah blah kisses FIN.

Conclusion? No mind readers in a book titled "The Mind Reader"? Stine just pwned us all...for which I will take hideous revenge.

Next time: "Seniors #8: Sweetheart, Evil Heart" Just in time for Valentines Day--hearts, candy, and a stupid arrogant asshole who's dating a dead girl and doesn't know it. HAHAHA!

Unrelated to Fear Street: an author (Josh Voyles) who actually WANTS my opinion sent me his new book, Sliver, for review.Step...away...from...Fear Street? I'M SCARED! (Review of Sliver coming soon in spite of irrational fear of real world.)