* This cover sucks. Those fingers look like those crappy plastic ones you get for a buck at the dollar store around Halloween. I should know; I once owned a pair. Except the nails were red instead of black. Hawt. *
Senior year is a killer. Especially this year at Shadyside High. It's the first day of school and already the prediction that the seniors will die is coming true. A cheerleader is dead--drained of all her blood. Could this be the work of a vampire? A psycho killer? Dana Palmer and her twin sister Dierdre need to find out soon. Because all signs show that they will be the next to die.
It's the first day of school and Dana is excited for some reason. I'm sure you're dying to know about her back-to-school outfit. Enjoy: "[Dana] pulled on a velvety purple top over tight black jeans and checked her reflection in the dresser mirror. A small gold hoop and a red glass stud glinted from each earlobe." Ok. Not horrible, but still crappy. Dierdre enters the room and she's not dressed yet because she can't decide what to wear. She finally chooses a black mini-skirt and a blue tank top. Daring. Then we have to hear Dierdre complain and whine about how she's so lame compared to Dana who is so awesome it hurts. Memo: shut the hell up. They go downstairs and Dana hears her boytoy, Mickey Myers, pull up. She runs out to his black Firebird which probably reeks of pot and hops in. She wonders how long this "relationship" will last because she knows Mick looks at other girls. Damn, Dana, you are l-a-m-e. If you KNOW your douchebag boyfriend is waiting around for something better to come along so he can dump your ass, get rid of him! Or at least key his car or something. Dierdre comes out then and they all drive away. Mickey damn near plows into another car on the way because he thinks he rules the road. *sigh* I pray he his out of the picture very soon. And by "out of the picture" I do mean dead. Anyway, they spot Debra Lake driving to school with Count Clarkula, the love of my life. We get the obligatory description of Clark which doubles as evidence of his "vampiric nature". I've said it before and I'll probably say it again: wearing black and writing weird poems does NOT make you a vampire!
They finally arrive at school and after giving Mickey a big kiss *BARF* Dana heads to the gym to meet with the other cheerleaders. She's shocked to find it empty and dark. She turns to leave, but stops when she spots someone lying near the bleachers. Oooo. It's Danielle Cortez. Or rather her corpse. Dana freaks out further when she hears footsteps behind her. It's...Count Clark! He says he heard noises coming from the gym. What a lie...
Later that day, Dana is waiting in the parking lot for Mickey. She, Dierdre, Josie Maxwell, and Trisha Conrad are talking about what happened earlier. The entire school is in an uproar over Danielle's death. Of course Trisha has to bring up the fact that she predicted this: "I told you this would happen. Remember? I had a vision? About our class?" No, Trisha, I don't remember. It's not like you mention a billion times a day or anything. Trisha's grimy boyfriend, Gary Fresno, finally pulls up and Trisha leaves. Dana and Dierdre hear a loud scream a few seconds later. Turns out Gary rammed his crappy car into another car. Nice. Sadly, no-one was hurt. Dana spots Mickey and asks Dierdre if she wants a ride, but she says she'll catch one with her friends. Dana leaves and Dierdre asks Trisha what happened. Trisha says Gary's brakes don't work anymore and he's too damn poor to get new ones. So why doesn't he take the bus or ride with someone else? Isn't Trisha rich? She should have her own car...he could ride with her. Ok, I'm shutting up now. My New Year's resolution was to not get too involved with fictional character's lives and I'm attempting to keep it.
Dierdre starts walking toward the school to look for one of her friends when she's stopped by a sexy piece who introduces himself as Jon Milano. He has study hall with Dierdre, but they've never spoken before. They talk about the murder and about Jon transferring to Shadyside because something baaaaad happened at his last school. Like Shadyside will be any better! Then Jon admires a mole on Dierdre's face and asks if her sister has one, too. Weirdo. Later, Dierdre goes to The Corner with Stacy Malcolm and Jennifer Fear. Conversation turns to the murder, Gary's accident, and Trisha's death prediction. Dierdre is worried that Trisha's vision is coming true. *sigh* Shut up about the stupid vision already. You're not going to die because she predicted it. You're going to die because you're a human being and you live in Shadyside and that's what people do best in that town. Dierdre goes up to the counter to order another Coke and notices Jon Milano entering the restaurant with some red haired girl. He comes up to the counter and Dierdre nearly has a heart attack when his arm brushes against her's. They chat a little and he orders a Coke. Then Dierdre sees that the redhead has left and wasn't with Jon after all. Oh thank you sweet Jehovah! Can we get to the murders now? Jon asks Dierdre if she's seeing anyone, she says no, he leaves without asking her out. Ok then. Way to get the girl's hopes up only to beat them down with a stick. Dierdre goes back to her table and finds Mickey standing there. *groan* He cheerily informs the girls that Danielle's body had been completely drained of blood. Thanks, Mick. Now get the hell out of here. Dierdre spots Count Clarkula (my darling!) sitting in a back booth with Debra Lake and thinks about how pale, dull, and tired Debra has looked since she started seeing Clark. So Deb looks like warmed over shit. That doesn't mean Clark is a vampire!!! Of course Dierdre believes he possibly could be. "But what if he thinks he is? Dierdre wondered. What if he wants to be a vampire? Maybe Clark really got into the vampire act. Too far into it. Maybe it's not an act anymore." Grrrrr. Dierdre gets the genius (i.e. idiotic) idea to go ask Debra why she looks so fug and if Clark really is a bloodsucking fiend. You've got to be kidding me. By the time Dierdre makes her way to their table, they're standing at the counter. Dierdre spots a notebook lying open on the table and decides to respect the owner's privacy by reading it. She slightly freaks out at what's written on the page.
So cold. So pale,
You lie before me.
Your blood has vanished,
How? Where? they ask.
They don't ask me, but I could say.
Your blood gives life...
Worst. Poem. Ever.
Three days have passed. Enough time for the local media to dub Danielle's death as 'The Vampire Murder'. BOOOOO! Dierdre is hanging out at Jennifer Fear's house and they're discussing Clark's poem. Dierdre's fear that Clark is truly a vampire is increasing, but Jennifer thinks it's all ridiculous. Wow. A voice of reason. I'm shocked that it's coming from a Fear. When a Fear is the only one making any sense, you've got a problem. Jennifer changes the subject to Jon Milano and asks if he's asked Dierdre out yet. Dierdre says no and when Jen suggests that he's just shy, Dierdre also says no. Apparently Jon brags constantly about his killer abs and awesome grades. Remind me why she wants to date him? Then Dierdre confesses that she likes Mickey. What the hell, man? Dierdre, your taste sucks. Seriously. Stacy Malcolm enters the room then and automatically starts babbling about sports. Uh, I guess they were expecting her? Anyway, conversation then turns to one of R.L. Stine's favorite plot contrivances: the overnight where at least one person will die! The senior camp-out in Fear Street Woods is this weekend and I'm already giddy....
When Dierdre gets home, some creep calls her. And I'll be damned if the freak doesn't have a raspy voice! Is that a pre-requisite for being a lunatic? My grandma has a raspy voice. Is she going to slit my throat and kill my entire family? Damn you, Stine, for making me paranoid and fearful of arthritic, elderly women! Where was I? Oh yeah, the caller. He laughs and says "Do you know who I am? Don't you want to guess? I'll give you a hint--Danielle's blood was delicious. And you're next." Vampires are such assholes.
The next day is Danielle's funeral. As Dierdre walks through the cemetery with her friends, she thinks about Trisha's vision AGAIN. No comment. The funeral is the typical depressing affair and I won't dwell on it because nothing happens other than people crying and remembering Danielle. Oh, and Dierdre and Dana both think they see Danielle sit up and say "Help me. I can't sleep." Ok, I know it's horrible of me to laugh, but that is just so fucking ridiculous! It's side-splittingly hilarious! Stine sucks! I mean, come on, man. "I can't sleep." ?!?!?! You must be shrooming. Moving on... Dierdre, Dana, Josie Maxwell, and Jennifer head to Dierdre/Dana's house. Dierdre wants to hold a frigging seance at Jennifer's house to conjure up Danielle's spirit in that hopes that it can tell them who killed her. Dana gets upset and runs to her room and Jen really wants no part of it. Eventually Dierdre manages to convince Josie and Jennifer to go through with it. A little while later after the girls have left, Josie calls Dierdre and mentions the Doom Spell that she cast over the summer. I'm sure you all remember that whole ordeal. Who could forget the red-cloaked giggling skeleton?! And if you HAVE forgotten, read this: Seniors #1 - Let's Party! Anyway, Josie is afraid that all these bad things are happening as a direct result of the Doom Spell. Dierdre basically ignores everything Josie tells her and begs Josie to come to Jen's house tonight anyway. What a friend.
That night, Dierdre, Josie, Jennifer, and the dreaded Trisha gather in Jen's library. They sit cross-legged on the floor amid a dozen black candles, the only light in the room. They manage to conjure Danielle's spirit. Trisha and Dierdre ask who murdered her and they get a shock when the spirit says "Trisha is the murderer. Trisha is the vampire!" Trisha flips out and the spirit starts laughing at her. Dierdre says this spirit is not Danielle at all, just some trickster from the netherworld. Netherworld. Is that an actual word? Oh well. The girls agree to pretend that this never even happened. Yeah, you do that...
It's campfire time! Do I really need to mention yet AGAIN how much I love anything to do with camping particularly when it's happening in a (mediocre) horror story? Everyone is gathered around the fire, listening to music and eating hot dogs. And yeah, making out. Even Jon and Dierdre are getting a little cozy. Ooo. The new girl, Anita Black, is also there. She's the redhead that Dierdre saw at The Corner. Count Clarkula is sulking around the edges of the crowd without Debra for once. Dana spots Matty Winger and mentions to Mickey that Matty was the one who called Dierdre and said Danielle's blood was delish. Matty sucks. Mickeys asks what time and day Matty called. It was Thursday at five and Mickey says it couldn't have been Matty because they were at band rehearsal until six. Who the hell was it then? Apparently neither one of them really cares because they immediately forget they were having a conversation and start making out. *sigh* They break apart when Dierdre catches on fire and starts screaming her brains out. Holy shit. Jon throws a sleeping bag over her and puts it out. Her hair is singed and her arm is burned, but she's no worse for the wear. Dierdre says that someone bumped her into the fire and Anita comes running over saying that she's sooooo sorry. She got crazy with the dancing and bumped Dierdre...and apparently kept on dancing because she sure as hell made no move to help! Dierdre says it's no big deal and nestles in Jon's arms. He puts a bandage on her arm while she stares at him like he's her personal Jesus. He fetches her a cup of cocoa, she stares longingly into his eyes, they kiss, and I stab myself in the brain repeatedly with a spork. Jon breaks the kiss and suddenly looks all nervous and such. Dierdre asks if he wants to go on a walk or something and he agrees. Walking through the woods in the dark while a crazed vampire/murderer is on the loose? Intelligence is obviously their strong point. NOT. Jon says he wants to show her something he found in the woods. Run, Dierdre. Run for your motherf^&*ing life, woman! Oh, never mind. It's just an old, crumbling cabin. Dierdre suddenly hears Dana calling her name and the two turn back, but not before Jon makes Dierdre promise not to tell anyone about the cabin. Ok, weirdo.
Later, everyone is asleep except Dana. She's lying in tent with Jade and Greta, listening to them breathing. She thinks about the hike tomorrow and starts to drift off. Suddenly she feels a sharp sting in her neck. She tries to move or make a sound, but can't. Finally she calls out and wakes the other girls. Clarkula comes to the tent saying he couldn't sleep and heard a scream. How convenient. And wasn't he right on the scene when Dana found Danielle? Hmmm. It was just a nightmare and Dana tells Clark to tell everyone else. Yeah, she woke everybody with her banshee shriek. Good one. And the sting was a mosquito bite...or was it? Oooo, a mystery that probably isn't a mystery at all.
The next morning, Dana feels like crap and decides to stay behind while everybody else hikes. She rests aginst a log and Clark comes walking up and says "You're alone." Is it that obvious, Sherlock? He says he didn't get much sleep last night. Dana is totally creeped out and I would be, too, because Clark is acting like a nervous caged animal that desperately wants to take a chunk out of someone. Mercifully, he leaves for the hike a few minutes later.
A while later, Mickey wakes Dana from her long nap (why the hell didn't she sleep in her tent? That knobby log had to have been extremely uncomfortable.) Dana notices that Dierdre hasn't come back yet. She also spots Clarkula stumbling back into the clearing licking blood from his lips. Yum. Dana demands to know where Dierdre is and Clark explains what happened to his lip first. His excuse is incredibly stupid. "I ran from a skunk. I smacked my face right into a low tree branch. Oww. My lip is really cut." First of all, I thought skunks usually came out at later hours. Maybe I'm off? Second, it doesn't matter what he says because Dana is convinced he's a lying murderer, but couldn't he have come up with something better than fleeing from a skunk? Dana runs into the wood with Jennifer and Mickey to search for Dierdre. They find her sprawled next to the creek. Dana completely loses it and starts screaming "She's dead!" until Dierdre opens her eyes. She says she came down here to wade in the creek, felt something sting her neck, and passed out. Dana sees two tiny marks on Dierdre's neck. Uh-oh. Rogue mosquitoes!
At home later, the girls check out their bites and they're both convinced they're vampire bites and this is the work of Clarkula. Then the phone rings and it's the creepy caller: "I said you were next. Do you believe me now?"
For some reason, we are now focusing on Shadyside High's home ec teacher, Ms. Carla Sanders. She wonders why she's even teaching this class anymore because hardly anyone takes it. It's at the end of the day and she's cleaning up the empty room. She turns and a student is standing there. We never learn the student's name or if it's a guy or girl. The student tells her they want extra credit even though they're not in this class at all. The the student informs Ms. Sanders of his/her hunger and comes a little closer. I swear, this entire exchange is the most awkward thing ever. Ms. Sanders tells the idiot to leave and he/she responds by grabbing her neck and sinking his/her fangs in.
On Wednesday morning, Dana sees a newspaper headline that reads 'Second Vampire Murder! Slain Teacher Drained of Blood'. Dana already knows the story; Mickey found Ms. Sanders on Monday afternoon. School has been cancelled for two days. Dierdre comes downstairs and says she's going to the mall with Trisha. They talk about the fact that it must be Clark behind the murders, but there's no evidence against him. All the dark poetry and morbid art in the world can't convict him! The doorbell rings and Dierdre answers. It's Trisha who has just had another vision, God help us all. She saw Dierdre and Dana and one of them was sucking the other one's blood. Oh good.
It's Thursday afternoon and Dierdre is sitting in social studies not paying attention. She can't stop thinking about Trisha's crackpot visions. After class, she runs into Stacy who begs her to come to basketball tryouts in 20 minutes. Dierdre agress and Stacy leaves for the locker room. Dierdre goes to her locker and Jon comes up behind her, scaring the crap out of her. He kisses her and runs off. Pointless much? Dierdre goes to the locker room where her overactive imagination convinces her that Stacy is dead. In reality, Stacy lost a contact lense and was lying on the floor trying to find it. So yeah blah blah blah basketball tryouts blah blah blah Anita "accidentally" knocks the shit out of Dierdre which kinda makes you wonder if the fire incident was actually an accident blah blah Anita trips Dierdre and smiles about it blah blah Coach sends Dierdre to the nurse's office. So boring. And if this Anita thing turns out to be nothing, I'm going to rip out every hair on my head. Or maybe Stine's head. That would take less time. Yes, that was a bald joke. Zing!
Later, Dierdre tells Dana all about it. Yawn. Turns out Anita AND Dierdre made the team even though they both sucked. Seriously, Dierdre spent the entire tryout tripping and stumbling and falling all over the place. Oh well. Dierdre trips over her backpack (sad) on her way to take a shower and a note falls out that says "Your sister's blood was so sweet. Your's will be even sweeter." The only scary thing about it is how predictable it is. A psychotic vampire would surely be more creative.
On Saturday night, Dierdre and Stacy are at Jennifer's house. Instead of doing voodoo in the library, though, they're eating popcorn in Jen's bedroom like normal teenagers. Conversation turns to Gary Fresno and the fact that he's an asshole who is seeing both Trisha and Mary O'Connor. Stacy says Trisha came on to him first and Dierdre gets pissed because Trisha is their friend. Dierdre actually storms out of the house over this stupidity and starts walking home in the dark. A silver Porsche follows alongside her until she stops and screams at the driver. It's Jon so she hops in and they head to the mall after he kisses her and fingers her mole. Ew. Does he have a mole fetish? His wet dreams probably involve gigantic moles with hairs growing out of them. Please excuse me while I puke my guts out. *pause* Ok, let's continue. A few minutes later, Dierdre realizes that they're nowhere near the mall and she has no clue where they're going. She asks him what's going on, he pulls over and says he doesn't know where the mall is because he just moved here, and she gives him directions because he was too much of a macho douchebag to ask earlier. He kisses her and insinuates that he'd just like to get sexy instead of going to the mall, but Dierdre nips that in the bud.
They go the Burger Barn. Dierdre spots Dana and tells Jon to find a table and if a waiter comes, order her a Coke and a tuna-fish pita. Yeah, he thinks it's odd, too. Dierdre says hey to Dana and Mickey and heads to her table. But of course Clarkula interrupts, asking Dierdre what color her underwear are. Ok, so he didn't ask that. I'm just trying to make this more interesting that it really is. He actually asks if she got his note. But don't get your panties in a twist--it was a note to congratulate her on making the b-ball team. She hurries to her table and immediately asks Jon if he believes in vampires. Answer? No. Their food comes and Dierdre notices Jon staring over her shoulder at Anita Black. He goes to the restroom a second later...and never comes back. Dierdre notices that Anita is also gone and thinks Jon ditched her for Anita. Ass! Dierdre pays for her food and begins her walk home alone. A heavy fog surrounds her, she feels a piercing pain in her neck, and hears a lapping sound...
Oh no. Please no. This chapter is from the point-of-view of the vampire and it's total crap. The gist of it is this vamp is young and thirsty and doesn't drink....wine. He/she doesn't follow old vamp rules which means he/she doesn't sleep in a coffin all day and can withstand the sun. He/she almost had "her" in the restaurant and later in the fog, but too bad Dana picked Dierdre up just before he/she could get a good drink. The vampire gets thirsty and drinks from a dog. The end. How very pointless.
On Monday, Dierdre confronts Jon in study hall. Yes! Kick his ass! He says he felt sick, called out to her and waved but never got her attention, assumed she'd get a ride from Dana, and left. Asshole. Why couldn't he have just walked over and told her face-to-face? And he sure as hell didn't seem too sick when they were in the car and he wanted to get his freak on. Liar! She believes him (moron) and they make a date to "talk" in that crusty old cabin in the woods. He wants her to know all about his past and she wants to tell him about her latest vamp attack.
Dierdre heads for basketball practice and she and Stacy make up. Stacy tells her there are college recruiters in the stands today. No pressure, kids! On the court, Anita "accidentally" mauls Stacy and Dierdre. She ends up busting Stacy's foot, but luckily it isn't too bad. Stacy will only miss a week of practice because it isn't broken. Anita is such crap!
And the next day, she's found dead. Guess she pissed off the wrong person. She was drained of blood and now everyone is more terrified than ever. Everyone is standing outside while police search the school. Jon comes running up to Dierdre and friends saying they've caught the vampire. Considering that there are 30 pages left, I doubt this will be the REAL vampire. They see the police leading poor Clarkula away. The only evidence they have against him, though, is the fact that Jennifer Fear saw him running from the gym and he couldn't explain why. Are you serious? These people really do have it out for this guy! Personally, I think it's Jon. Even if it turns out it isn't, I'm still blaming him because he sucks. Everyone is so relieved that the murderer has been caught. Jon wants Dierdre to come with him to the crappy cabin and hang out, but before they can leave, Mickey comes running up looking totally freaked out. Turns out comebody stole Anita's body from the morgue. So wrong--she's now a vampire! NOW everyone thinks that Clarkula is not the murderer at all, that the killer is still out there. Make up your mind! Dierdre tells Jon that she's going home with Dana instead and he acts appalled that she would rather be safe at home than crouching in a shitty, moldy cabin. He truly is a moron.
A few hours later, Dierdre proves that she too is a little dense by heading to the cabin and dragging Dana along. WHY? Because poor Jon might be lonely. Who cares?! He didn't have to go by himself. She doesn't even know he's there although he probably is because he was acting like a mental patient about it earlier. They reach the cabin, call out to Jon, and try to open the door, but it won't budge so they find a window and manage to shove it open. They climb inside and discover a large coffin lying in the middle of the room. And judging by the crackling twigs outside, someone is coming! Suddenly the coffin opens...it's Anita! She tells them she's been a vampire for 50 years. She's been after Dierdre because Dierdre stole her beloved Jon. The girls try to run, but Anita catches Dierdre and starts to bite her neck. Jon bursts in like he's some action hero and tells Anita to stop. Then he stabs her in the chest with a big pointy branch. Ding dong the witch is dead. She crumbles to dust and things seem ok...until Dierdre goes batshit and stabs Jon with the branch. He also crumbles to dust. How did Dierdre know for sure he was a vampire? Because he said there would be no more ugly phone calls from Anita, but she never told him about the calls so they had to be from him. Uh, ok. I think we all knew he was a vampire when Anita claimed to be in love with him.
A bit later, the girls drag two police officers to the cabin for some stupid reason. I mean, they have no proof of what just happened so what's the point? The coffin is now gone, too, and the officers chalk the story up to wild imaginations.
The ending to this sucker is hilarious. When the twins get home, they see Trisha lurch out of the bushes like a drunk on a bender. She says "I just had another horrible vision about you two! You won't believe what I just saw!" Dierdre replies "You're right. We WON'T believe it." and slams the door in Trisha's face. BWAHAHAAHAHA.
Conclusion? This book is so melodramatic and unintentionally hilarious that it's awesome in some twisted way. Read it if you need a good laugh.
Next time: "Seniors #4 - No Answer"