Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The Girlfriend

Book Description:

Scotty has the perfect life. And the perfect girlfriend. But one weekend while she's away, Scotty goes just a little...astray. Suddenly he has a new girlfriend. One who won't go away. His one wild night has become a nightmare. Because his new girlfriend has decided that she loves Scotty...to death.

My Description:

I love that tagline: 'When she was good, she was very good...But when she was bad, she was murder.' HA. We'll see!

Scotty and his girlfriend, Lora, are at a dinner party that is being thrown by Lora's parents. Lora's dad is embarrassing the hell out of Scotty by giving a toast to the couple. I find this odd. I mean, they're not getting married or anything. It doesn't make any sense. If we were in Shadyside right about now, this wouldn't be happening. Lora and Scotty would be parked in a car on Fear Street, fogging up the windows real good if you know what I mean *wink wink* Anyway, through Scotty's thoughts we find that this party is being thrown to celebrate Scotty and Lora's preliminary acceptance to Princeton. Yee-haw! But Scotty doesn't mind being here; just as long as he's with his darling Lora: "He liked how her wavy blonde hair caught the sunlight, how soft it felt in his hands. He liked staring into her wide, green eyes. He liked how people said she looked like a model, like a young Christie Brinkley. He liked walking down the hall at school with her, holding hands." Yeah, dude, we get it--your girlfriend's hot. Scotty considers their relationship cliched because he's football quarterback and she's the Homecoming Queen. Oh sweet merciful heavens. He likes how everyone is jealous of them. Scotty, baby, kiss my ass! How the hell does he know that people are jealous? I seriously doubt they're jealous--who would willingly want to be an arrogant jock or an airheaded, stuck-up snob? NO-ONE. And no, I am not simply assuming that Lora is airheaded and stuck-up; Scotty HIMSELF calls her stuck-up and she's obviously kinda dumb because she's dating him. So there. Or something. I already feel heartsick and I'm only on page three. PAGE THREE! Save meeeeee!

Ok. I'm calm now. Let's move on, shall we? The next few paragraphs consist of Scotty kissing his own ass and I'm just gonna ignore it because if I don't, my fucking head will explode. Scotty then decides to ruminate on his broken family (his father left the family when Scotty was younger) and how he believes that's why he enjoys spending so much time with Lora and her crackpot parents. Scotty finally snaps out of his thoughts only to realize that Lora's father is STILL yapping on and on. He tells Lora that this is soooo embarrassing. Shut your stupid mouth, you ingrate. I should think you'd like someone talking on and on about you and your windbag of a girlfriend. Oops. Did I say that aloud? Oh well. When will the psycho be introduced? I need her! Scotty notices his friend Bender making faces through the sliding glass doors of...wherever the hell they are. Bender. Yes. I said Bender. Speaking of friends with stupid names... remember that show, Growing Pains? And how Mike Seaver had a friend named Boner? Yeah, that always made me laugh. Boner was such a doofus, but I totally loved him! My favorite episode didn't involve Boner, though. It was that one where Carol's boyfriend, Sandy (played by a young Matthew Perry) got in a horrible accident and died and everyone was so emotional and such. *sigh* I don't know how I got on this tangent. But I wish I were watching Growing Pains instead of reading this book. Lora reminds Scotty that she and her parents are going off to Europe for a week and Scotty feels a moment of jealousy, wishing he too was going to Europe. Lora's pop finally sits down and Bender comes over to talk to Scotty. Bender is tall, lanky,wears Buddy Holly glasses, and is totally into football even though most people think he should play basketball because of his height. The party starts to break up and many people head outside. As Scotty and Lora chat in the moonlight, a dark figure leaps out from behind a bush. But don't get too excited--it's just Scotty's little brother, Denny. When asked why he bothered with this stunt, he says "To scare somebody. It's a party, right?" Yeah, a DINNER PARTY. Not a Halloween party! And you didn't even scare anybody! Denny runs off after telling Lora and Scotty they're both stupid. Tee hee. Conversation between the two turns to the Homecoming Dance which happens to be this Friday. Lora won't be able to attend so she thinks it would be fun if Scotty found someone else to go with. "You'd show up with some other girl and everyone would totally freak!" I hate these two. Do they honestly think that everyone really gives a shit? Lora was just kidding, though, and the two part ways after some aggressive kissing. *barf*

It's now the night of the Homecoming game/dance. Scotty is in the locker room punching things because his team is losing, 9-0. Scotty believes that the reason he's playing badly is because Lora isn't there--she's his good luck charm. Give me a break, man. Anyway, Bender is shocked when Scotty tells him that he isn't going to be attending the dance because Lora is away. Once again, why the hell would anyone care whether those two showed up?!?! The football team gets back on the field and they end up winning, 14-9. Then it's time for the traditional Homecoming bonfire. Pointless much? 200-300 students gather around the fire to cheer the football team's victory. The principal is even there. He announces that it's time to crown the Homecoming King and Queen and of course he says Scotty and Lora. Scotty is all embarrassed because Lora isn't there and this whole scene just makes me want to start a bonfire of my own and burn this stupid STUPID book. I'm not sure if I can make it through this entire thing. I mean, let's be honest--I hate most of what R.L. Stine has written. But I think that Scotty is the shittiest character EVER. I've never came across a character as self-absorbed as this asshole is. Seriously. And if your main character is a unlikable piece of dog doo, your entire book is pretty much doomed. The only thing that could possibly redeem this junk is the psycho. She better be absolutely batshit crazy! I hope she ends up killing Scotty and Lora. I know, I know--I'm horrible. But so are they! Anyway, Scotty leaves a few moments after the bonfire "party" breaks up and people start heading to the dance. As he's walking to his car, he spots a red haired girl in a pale green jacket bending over her bike. Scotty decides to be a good boy and see if she needs some help. He's immediately attracted to her: "Her long red hair falling loose behind her was wild and sexy. And she had a high forehead and big brown eyes and full red lips. He thought she looked very dramatic. Like an actress." I don't care what she looks like, sir. As long as she's batty, I'm good. Her name is Shannon Smith and her bike has a flat tire. Scotty offers to drive her home and she accepts. As he drives, they chat a little and Scotty ends up asking if she wants to get a hamburger or something. Lora who? He almost drives to Henry's, a local hangout, but decides that he'd better not because someone from school might see them there, God forbid! So they head to the Burger Basket instead. Scotty really likes Shannon, but he feels guilty because of dear old Lora. As they eat, he quickly sees that he and Shannon have nothing in common. She's not interested in going to college, she hates everything about her life, and has no ambition whatsoever. That means that whenever she begins killing people it won't matter because she has nothing to lose anyway! Scotty drives her home, opens her door like a good boy would, and is surprised when she grabs him and kisses him HARD. After getting her bike out of the trunk, Scotty asks if she'd like to go to the movies tomorrow night. Good riddance, Lora!! Shannon agrees and runs inside.

The next morning, Bender (for some reason, I keep wanting to call him Skeeter. No, I don't know why!) comes over to help Scotty rake leaves. Benderskeet asks what Scotty did the night before and Scotty lies and says he just chilled at home and watched a video Denny rented. Then Scotty suggests they quit this boring leaf raking and go check on Ernie, Scotty's pet snake. Ernie lives in a cage attached to a tree because Mom won't allow him in the house. Or something. I'm hazy on the details because I don't care about the damn snake. Mom interrupts the snakey happy time by sticking her head out the window and yelling that Scotty got a postcard from the dreaded Lora. Thankfully, Stine spares us the details and jumps right into the date with Shannon...

Scotty takes Shannon to the Westside theater which is one town over. Scotty completely ignored the film, opting instead to ogle Shannon: "He couldn't help stealing glances at her. She was wearing a tight wool sweater and a very short green leather skirt over sheer tights." A very far cry from LORA'S sensible pant suits. Rawr. Afterwards, as they're getting into Scotty's car, Scotty feels that asking her out was a mistake. Why? Because she doesn't know who John Candy is--"Is he the fat one?" I just...I really...I hate this book. In the car, all thoughts of John Candy fly away as Shannon grabs Scotty for some kiss kiss. Scotty breaks away and asks if she would like to go to Rainer Point. Shannon says hells to the no! Let's go to MY house instead! Geez, lady. Get some standards. They drive to Shannon's house and once inside, she pushes him on the couch and skeeves me out by saying "You're MY baby now." This entire interlude makes my skin crawl.

The next morning, Scotty is awakened by the sound of the phone ringing downstairs. Denny grabs it and tells Scotty it's for him. It's--who else?--Shannon. "Good morning, baby. I had such a good time last night. It's early, but I just wanted to talk to you. Did you dream about me?" Scotty is confused as to why this maniac is calling him and tells her he'll call her back later. His mom comes into the room and asks who was calling. Scotty lies and says it was just some girl from school calling about the psych homework. At 8:00 am. On Sunday morning. I'm sure. Scotty decides that he has to make it perfectly clear to Shannon that their little fling was a one time thing and he doesn't wanna see her anymore. I'm positive that will go over EXACTLY as he wants it to! *sarcasm* Lora gets home tonight so Scotty definitely has to do something about Shannon ASAP. Scotty showers, dresses, and heads downstairs just as the phone rings again. It's the amazing Shannon: "Hi, baby. Whatcha doin'? You didn't call me back." Ew. Scotty goes upstairs to talk on his own line and tells Denny to hang up the phone downstairs. Denny giggles and carries on until Scotty screams at him to hang up. Shannon says Denny sounds really cute and she can't wait to meet him. Ok then. Scotty makes it clear that he doesn't wanna date anymore and hangs up on Shannon. Ouch. Scotty heads back downstairs where his mom reminds him that he has to help out at Denny's school fair. Scotty is pissed because he'd rather be doing anything else besides checking coats at a school fair. I have no clue what's going on here. That evening, Scotty is eating dinner with the family and Shannon calls yet AGAIN. Guess she didn't get the message. Shannon asks if he's coming over and Scotty says "I'm sorry. We already subscribe to TV Guide." and hangs up. Poor Shannon. Scotty heads back to the dinner table, but the phone rings AGAIN. This time, though, it's Lora. She had a wonderful time in Europe, it was magical, and she's really tired now. Blah blah fucking blah. Scotty can hardly focus on Lora's babbling; he can't stop thinking of his Saturday night spent in Shannon's "dark, steamy living room." Ooo la la. He tells Lora they should spend all of next weekend together, but Lora reminds him that they're being crowned Teens of the Year for the Junior Chamber of Commerce. Oh puke. I'm so sick of hearing about how WONDERFUL! AMAZING! GLORIOUS! these two are. Teens of the Year?!?!? Cut me some slack, Stine! The two hang up and Scotty tells his mom he's going out for a drive. He digs through the closet for his favorite ball cap, but he can't find it. Then he remembers he left it at Shannon's. DUN DUN DUN! *cue Jaws music* But Scotty chooses not to go to Shannon's. She can keep the damn cap for all he cares--he isn't setting foot back in that seductress's love pit!

The next day at school, Scotty spots Shannon waiting for him at his locker. HAHAHAHA. You will never escape her, Scotty! You're in her clutches for life! Scotty asks her what the hell she's doing and she says "I wanted to see you. You're my baby now." Oh Shannon, you make me laugh. Thanks, I needed it. They argue a bit about whether or not Scotty is really her baby. Then Bender comes up to talk to Scotty, but when he realizes that Scotty is already conversing with someone else, he takes off. Scotty acts all embarrassed and tries to chase him down, but Bender is OFF. Scotty then gets all pissy with Shannon to which she replies in true psycho fashion "You're not being nice to me, baby. I was so nice to you. But you're not being nice to me." Then a single tear drops down her face before she walks off. Love it. Love it, BABY. Scotty eats lunch with Lora outside and Lora spots Shannon watching them. She asks him who that is and Scotty says he's never seen her before. Harsh, baby.

When Scotty gets home from school, he spies Shannon sitting on his front porch. He has an urge to run away, but decides he has to make it clear to her once and for all that he isn't interested in her period. This should be good. Scotty says hello and Shannon immediately replies "You have to break up with her." Scotty says no way, but Shannon no understand! "But you're my baby now." Scotty completely flips out, screaming that he is most certainly NOT her fucking baby! Our little psycho just won't stop, though: "I'm not good enough for you. Is that it? You're hurting my feelings. I'm very upset." Scotty protests, but Shannon just keeps talking. She mentions that her pro-wrestler brothers won't like this at all. Oh snap, Scotty, you screwed! Scotty turns and sees his mom's car turn the corner. He grabs Shannon's arm and tells her she has to leave now, but she doesn't wanna. "But I want to meet Mom. I think it's time I meet Mom, don't you?" Scotty gets rid of her by promising to call her later. Satisfied with this, Shannon says "Okay, baby." and leaves. Scotty proceeds to further lose his shit, throwing his backpack at the front door and shattering the glass. Good one. To make matters worse, Scotty gazes across the street and sees a very large person lurking in the bushes. He automatically assumes it's one of Shannon's brothers and calls out to him. But the big guy runs away before Scotty can get a good look at him. Scotty heads inside to lie to his mom about the front door. She asks him how it happened and he says "I don't know. I saw it as I came up the drive. Looks like somebody threw something at it." The lies just flow like a river.

After dinner, Scotty decides to call Shannon and attempt for the 565868 time to get her off his back. He chickens out, though, when he thinks about her big scary brothers. Bender calls and reminds Scotty that he missed practice that afternoon and the coach is pissed. Scotty makes up an incredibly lame and ineffectual excuse: "I was...busy. I had to do some things...for my mom." You couldn't sound more shady if you tried. He makes it sound like he was...well, let's just not go there. After a few more minutes of awkward, stilted conversation, the two hang up and Shannon calls. Yay! My life once again has meaning. She whispers "Baby, you didn't call." and Scotty loses his mind. "I didn't call you and I'm NEVER going to call you! I don't want to call you, Shannon! I don't want to see you! We're not going out. Not ever. Hear? I don't want to go out with you. Leave me alone. I mean it. Leave me alone, Shannon. Don't call me again." Ouch. Me thinks this won't go over well.

The next morning, Scotty is feeling pretty damn good. Lora calls while he's eating breakfast and the conversation is boring and shallow as usual. School goes smoothly--Shannon is nowhere in sight which is creepier than when she actually does show up. We all know Scotty's happiness and peace is short lived, though. When he gets home, he finds that his pet snake Ernie has been cut in half. Dammit! I haven't come across a dead pet in a while and I was beginning to think that I might make it for quite some time without seeing another pet die in a book by Stine. But here it is anyway. Not cool, Shannon! Speaking of Shannon, she calls after dinner to inform Scotty that he needs to break up with Lora. Scotty asks if she killed Ernie and she says "You've hurt me, baby. Please don't make me hurt you more." Scotty asks again if she killed the snake, but she still doesn't answer, saying instead that Scotty should come over and they can talk about it. After all, she's very lonely. No wonder, you crazy broad. Scotty threatens to call the police, but Shannon tells him that if he did such a thing, she would have to tell Lora allllll about their little relationship. That gives Scotty some pause because he would lose EVERYTHING. Yes, that's exactly what goes through his head. Lora is not everything, you stupid boy! Your life would not be ruined if that stupid wench went the way of the dinosaurs! *sigh* Why do I even bother? Scotty gets pissed off (as usual) and hangs up on Shannon. Denny comes into the room then to ask if he can borrow Ernie for his science show-and-tell. Scotty tells him that Ernie escaped somehow. *sob* In reality, Scotty threw Ernie's pieces into a trashbag and buried him behind the garage. R.I.P.

After football practice the next day, Bender walks home with Scotty. Unfortunately, Shannon makes an appearance. Shannon tells Scotty that he never came to see her last night. Bender tries to diffuse the situation with "humor": "Hi. I'm Scotty's good-looking friend, David Bender. But you can call me Bender like everyone else." Shannon completely ignores Bender, never taking her gaze off Scotty. "You hurt my feelings, baby. Why didn't you come over?" Scotty gives Shannon a death stare and tells Bender "Let's go, man. I don't know this girl." Bender makes me laugh a little by saying "She seems to know you, BABY!" Shannon grabs Scotty and won't let go no matter how hard he tries to get away from her. She tells him that she doesn't wanna hurt him, but she does anyway. She reaches out and breaks two of his fingers. She breaks his fingers!!! He screams and sinks to his knees while Bender gazes on in total shock. Shannon steps back, says "I'm so sorry, baby.", and runs off into the night. Ouch, baby. Fucking OUCH.

It's Friday night and time for another football game. Scotty is pissed because he can't play due to his busted hand. Tee hee. After the game, Lora has some good news for Scotty: her father decided to hire him as an intern at his big fancy architectural firm for the summer. Oh but the goodness doesn't end there! Scotty is also invited to the Cape with Lora's family for two weeks in August. Sadly, it's only November so Scotty has a hell of a long wait. They begin walking toward the parking lot and Scotty's heart sinks when he sees Shannon leaning against his car, waiting for him. Scotty also sees a large guy crouching behind a Jeep; it's the same guy he saw hiding in the bushes that day! Scotty quickly tells Lora that his car is out of gas so they should take her's. Lora is parked on the street and as they make their way to her car, Scotty looks back just in time to see flames shooting out of his car. Oh Shannon. You rock.

The next chapter is chock full of the kind of creepy goodness one might find in a horror flick. Shannon and Scotty are alone in Shannon's house. At least it SEEMS they're alone...until Scotty starts hearing footsteps upstairs. The house is dark and Shannon keeps getting closer and closer to Scotty asking to see his good hand so she can tell his future. Scotty keeps backing away and the footsteps get louder. Shannon says that he hurt her and her brothers don't like to see her hurt. He sees shadows on the walls and suddenly the lights come on and Shannon's brutish brothers are standing there in trench coats (is that supposed to be menacing?) Then they attack!

Oh, by the way, it was all a dream. GRRRRR. Scotty wakes up to the phone ringing. It's Lora. They talk about his burning car. The firemen think it was a match that caused it. Ok then. We all know what really happened. *wink wink* Lora invites Scotty over for Belgian waffles and mid-morning ass kissing. After eating, Lora takes Scotty to her room to show him the dress she'll be wearing for the Junior Commerce thingy later that night. It's basically a big blue shiny parachute. Bitchin'. NOT. She tells Scotty that he'll look like a horse in his jacket. What the hell? Why does he like her again? She gets distracted by something lying in the backyard. It's Scotty's favorite ball cap, the one he couldn't find in his closet that fateful day. Lora goes outside, picks it up, and notices that her beloved kitty, Fluffernutter (yes, the deluded bitch named her cat FLUFFERNUTTER. It was probably more than happy to die!) is lying dead beneath the hat. Lora starts crying and Scotty is tempted to tell her about Shannon since he knows this is her work. But before he can speak, Lora's father steps outside and asks what's going on. All he can say about poor little Fluffernutter is "How strange." Two dead pets. A cat named fucking Fluffernutter. Arrogant jerks. Combine all that together and you've yourself a real shit fest, folks. *sigh*

It's now time for the Junior Chamber of Commerce Autumn Ball. Gag me, baby. I really don't need to go into details here. The event is as stuffy and boring as you would imagine. Everyone keeps coming by to tell Lora and Scotty how grrrrrreat they are and I'm having a really hard time holding back the vomit. There is one shining light in all this darkness, though--Scotty's plaid jacket is providing me with some laughs. Lora tells him it looks like a horse blanket. *snort* These assholes get an award and $500 just for coming and being so GREAT! WONDERFUL! SUPERCALIFRAGILISTIC! I don't care if I spelled it wrong! Dammit, Scotty! Anyway, a guy named Paul comes up to Scotty to tell him that there's a girl outside that wants to see him. They won't let her in because she doesn't have an invitation, but she's saying she's Scotty's date. Hell yeah, Shannon! I knew you'd come through. Scotty goes out into the hall where guests have to check in and there stands the magnificent Shannon. She's the one who deserves the awards and money! Scotty thinks about how tacky she looks: "Her hair had been carefully brushed for once, he saw, and tied back with a red hair ribbon. She was wearing a bright red dress, very tight, cut low in the front, very short, ending only halfway down her thighs." So she looks like a hooker. She probably looks better than 85% of the people there, horse boy, including you. Shannon says "Tell them who I am, baby. I'm your date, right, Scotty?" She smiles at him and he notices she has red lipstick smeared all over her teeth. Love it! One of the guards asks Scotty if she is actually his date and Shannon grabs Scotty's arm and begins pulling him toward the door. "Tell them, baby. I'm your date. I'm coming in. I want to meet everybody." Oh I bet you do, crazy lady. Scotty panics: "My life will be ruined, he thought, feeling himself overcome with panic. If I walk into the ballroom with her, if Lora sees me with her, if everyone sees her, my life will be ruined." Come on! Give the little psycho a chance! She feels like a princess! Mwahahahaha! Scotty tells her no and she starts running toward the doors anyway. Scotty tackles her to the ground because the guards are standing there like useless statues. They wrestle for a bit and finally some people come over and drag Shannon's screaming ass out the door. BOOOOO! But she isn't going down that easily! She kicks a guard in the knee and comes running for Scotty yet again. He finally says he'll take her out next weekend if she'll leave now. Of course he has no intentions of actually taking her anywhere. He just wants her off his back. She agrees and runs through the parking lot in her clunky red shoes. She runs to a car where one of her brothers is waiting and her brother gets out and starts running toward the building. Oh shit. Scotty sees the guy come into the lobby so Scotty runs to the men's room. He stands at the sinks wiping blood from his face where Shannon scratched him when they had their little wrestling match earlier. Then the door squeaks open and the brother comes in. Scotty darts into a stall and climbs on the toilet seat. He sits quietly and listens to the guy walk down the row of stalls. Then he hears the door squeak open so he climbs off the toilet and opens the stall door...only to see the brother standing there! AHHHH! He tells Scotty he wants to talk, but Scotty pussies out and runs away to the ballroom. He slips into his seat beside Lora just as some old chick takes the microphone to blab about Scotty and Lora. Blah blah blah.

Lora calls on Wednesday night and Scotty makes up some story about having to hang out with his cousin on Saturday night. Lora reminds him that his birthday is on Saturday and she has big plans for him and just how could he forget a thing like that? He says he can always see his "cousin" on Sunday. I'm sure Shannon will just loooooove this.

Saturday rolls around and at about 6 pm, Scotty takes a drive to Shannon's house. He plans on telling her that he's sick of her shit and he wants it to stop. As if this worked the other times you tried to tell her! She's standing at the door waiting for him: "She was dressed all in white, in a short straight skirt and a white turtleneck sweatertop." Fashion is fun. Anyway, Scotty immediately loses his cool when he enters the house. Shannon calls him baby as usual and he screams at her that he isn't her baby. Shannon just ignores Baby's anger and tells him she has made dinner and it's going to be so special. She asks him how his hand is, but he jerks away from her and says he has to leave and he wants her to leave him alone. Shannon's response? "You're not being nice to me, Scotty. I made this nice dinner for us. I want this night to be special." You know she's serious--she called him Scotty, after all. Shannon once again threatens to tell Lora everything if Scotty leaves. I don't really know why Scotty freaks out so badly when she says that. I mean, it isn't as if these two have actually done anything. They went on one date, she's been stalking him, the end. If anything, SHE should be afraid of the consequences, not him! I hate siding with Scotty on anything, but this bothers me. Scotty loses his mind and starts choking Shannon. He throws her to the floor and she doesn't get back up because the bastard killed her! NOOOOOOO!!!! SHANNON!!!! *sob* I don't see any real reason to continue reading this book now that my beloved is dead and gone. But I really wanna know what Scotty does next, baby. He picks up her body and lays it in the backseat of his car. You won't believe where this idiot decides to store the body--in Lora's cellar. Lora will be at his house by now, picking him up for his birthday party, so her house will be empty and he can store Shannon there until he can figure out what to do. You've gotta be kidding, baby! Use that big Princeton brain of yours!

He drives to Lora's house, hauls Shannon out of the car, and creeps into the kitchen. Just as he's about to take her down to the basement (basement or cellar? Is there a difference?) he flips the light on and gets the shock of his motherf&^*ing life. I need a moment to savor this scene because it's truly awesome. "And as he turned, Lora, Bender, the DeMarcos (that would be Lora's parents), his mother, and about twenty or thirty other friends jumped up from behind the kitchen counters, all shouting in unison 'SURPRISE!' " It just hurts so good, baby! Everyone is immediately horrified when they see that Scotty is carrying a corpse. They're even more surprised when the so-called "corpse" wakes up. Shannon wasn't dead after all--she was simply unconscious. I guess Scotty couldn't be bothered with checking her pulse or anything. Scotty sets Shannon down and tells everyone he thought he killed her. Wow. Scotty takes Lora aside and tells her all about Shannon. Suddenly Shannon darts over to the table stacked with presents and begins ripping them open. Scotty asks her what the hell she thinks she's doing and she screams "You're not my baby anymore!" Oh baby. Shannon unwraps a ski pole and charges at Scotty with it. Scotty makes a dash for the back door and finds one of Shannon's giant brothers on the other side. When Scotty tells him that he didn't hurt his sister, the guy looks confused and says "Sister?" He pulls out a police badge and informs Scotty of who he really is: "Lieutenant Jarmusch, juvenile division." Say what? Shannon takes one look at the officer and says "Uh-oh." Jarmusch crosses the room, grabs Shannon, and asks if everyone is ok. "This one can be dangerous." Dangerously awesome. The Lieutenant tells everyone about Shannon's sordid history. She was convicted of manslaughter, but was tried as a juvenile and got off with hardly any punishment. She's been seeing her parole officer often and convinced him that things were ok. But Lieutenant Jarmusch got suspicious and decided to check up on her. She's been living in the house alone, she has no family, and she desperately needs some psychiatric treatment. Jarmusch takes Shannon away and the party dies pretty quickly. Scotty stays behind to apologize to Lora for the date with Shannon. The last lines of the book make me want to kill myself: " 'Well," said Lora thoughtfully, "I'll tell you one thing. This was one surprise party that was a surprise for everyone!" They were both still smiling as she walked him out to his car to say goodnight." So I guess everyone is pretending that a psycho didn't just try to kill Scotty? Ok then.

Conclusion? Shannon is freaking awesome. She's the only reason to read this book. The ending was a total disappointment! I wanted a birthday party MASSACRE! She should've wielded that ski pole and impaled everyone!

Next time: Oh, baby, it's gonna be "Cheerleaders: The Second Evil" The next few entries will be plagued by evil cheerleaders as I muddle through The Second Evil, The Third Evil, and The New Evil (the one with the homicidal Santa Claus on the cover) Good times.

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