The Babysitter

Book Description:

From the minute Jenny accepted the Hagen baby-sitting job, she knew she had made a mistake. First there was the dark and disheveled Hagen house, moaning and groaning with her every step. Then the crank phone calls started. "Hi, Babes. Are you all alone? Company's coming." When Jenny discovered a creepy neighbor prowling in the backyard and a threatening note in her backpack, she realized this wasn't a harmless game.But who would want to hurt her? What kind of maniac wanted to scare Jenny... to death?

My Description:

* Just a quick note: I just read the comments for the last post ("Missing") and apparently I offended some people with my Star Trek comments (shout out to Bridget who thinks I'm a slutty whore!) For that I apologize. Honestly, I've never even seen the show so I really have no right to judge. *

We begin this tale of TERROR! (sarcasm is fun, no?) with Jenny and her friend Laura riding the bus. Laura is yapping about boys and Jenny is totally zoning out, staring out the window and worrying about her babysitting job. She's a babysitter. The book is called "The Babysitter". Is your mind blown? Anyway, Laura sees some guy named Bob Tanner raking leaves in his yard and completely freaks out because she has the mind of a retarded chimp. Seriously, it's just some dude with a rake, not Jesus Christ. She hangs her head out the window and screams at him. The guy turns and it's not even Bob. It's just some random guy trying to rake his yard in peace without getting harrassed by some teenage girl. As Jenny watches this pathetic scene, she thinks about how Laura could have any guy she wanted. *sigh* Here we go... Laura is gorgeous, looks like a model, and her poop smells like dew kissed roses. Jenny looks dull, tries to look like the models she sees in Mademoiselle (epic FAIL), and feeds off Laura's half assed compliments ("You look just like that actress Demi Moore." Except not.) like a starving dog with a juicy, meaty bone. I would like to read an R.L. Stine book in which all the main characters are beasts. Not everyone has to be blonde and perfect, Stine! Jenny and Laura talk about school and then Jenny tells the story of how she got the babysitting job she's going to.

She was at the mall and spotted a little boy with blonde hair and blue eyes (of course. Dammit, Stine.) who was playing near the fountain all by himself. Jenny is shocked and normally I would say "Why are you so surprised? All parents in Shadyside neglect their children." But I forget that this book doesn't take place anywhere near Fear Street. JOY! So Jenny rushed over to the boy who introduces himself as Donny and they sat and chatted intil his parents, the Hagens, rushed up. They were grateful to find him and since Donny had obviously fallen madly in love with Jenny, they immediately offered her the job without checking to see if she was a serial killer or something first! Happy endings all around.

Jenny finally reaches her stop and walks the few blocks to the Hagens' house. They live on a street that is oddly reminiscent of another street we're all too familiar with. Old rambling dilapidated mansions? Check. Creepy trees? Check. A lonely teenage girl with absolutely no self-esteem and no boyfriend which means no-one would care if she vanished because everyone knows teenage girls only have their boyfriends to care about them? Check check check! Edgetown Lane is the poor man's Fear Street! Anyway, Mr. Hagen lets Jenny in, makes some painfully lame jokes, and hurries off to take Jenny's jacket upstairs for no reason. Mrs. Hagen comes out of the kitchen and apologizes for her husband's nervousness: "He's always nervous on the nights we go out." Because? Ok, don't tell me. See if I care! Donny is in the den watching Ghostbusters and Mrs. Hagen leads Jenny to the room after gabbing on and on about the difference between 'groovy' and 'awesome' (one is for hippies, the other for mall rats). "I was a linguistics major, believe it or not." Oh I believe it. I also believe in shutting the hell up. Mr. Hagen comes down and tells Donny he has to go to bed after the movie is over. Donny whines like a good little cliche and then Mr. Hagen decides to cheerfully mention the recent rash of babysitter attacks. "Some creep in a ski mask was breaking into homes and beating up babysitters. So far there had been two attacks. Both babysitters had had to be hospitalized." What a comfort. Finally the parentals make their escape and Donny seems relieved: "Good." Tee hee.

After putting Donny to bed a little later, Jenny decides to explore (i.e. snoop) the old house. She hates nearly everything about it because it's old and creepy. Suddenly a loud banging noise interrupts her negative thoughts. Is it the Babysitter Bungler ready to beat the crap out of Jenny with his trusty crowbar?! No, it's just a loose shutter. Damn. She heads toward the kitchen and flips out when she feels something brush against her leg. Apparently, the Hagens neglected to mention that they have a cat. Jenny goes to Donny's room to make sure her banshee shriek didn't wake him. He's still asleep so Jenny grabs a Coke and some chips from the kitchen, settles herself in the den, and tries to think of something to do. She picks up a newspaper, but that's a mistake--'Third Babysitter Attack Has Police On Alert' Then she digs through her backpack for something else to read and all she finds is a Stephen King novel and she's already freaked out enough by the loost shutters and kitty cat and psycho babysitter beater. A moment later, she hears footsteps from upstairs. She thinks it's the cat, but if you have an IQ higher than zero, you know it's Donny. He's thirsty so she gets him some milk before taking him back to his room. He asks for a kiss and a story. She gives him both. Her story is longwinded and all about a nimroad babysitter who decides to get back at her charge for scaring her by scaring HIM. Thrills and chills! Yawn.

As Jenny is walking downstairs, she hears someone knocking on the door. Her first thought? "It sounds like a burglar, Jenny thought. A picture of a guy in a black-and-purple striped sweater, wearing a black mask over his eyes, carrying a bag of burglar tools flashed into her mind." First of all, why the hell would a burglar KNOCK? Pardon me for forgetting that most burglars are polite members of society who will lightly rap on the door before coming inside to vandalize your home. Second, why is Jenny's imaginary burglar dressed like the unholy spawn of Grimace and the Hamburglar? And third,why would he need tools if he's just gonna knock anyway? So many holes in your "logic" Jenny! After completely freaking out for a few seconds, she finally goes over to the door to peek outside. Some weirdo in a lumberjack shirt with greasy hair and caterpillar eyebrows is waiting on the porch. Is it the Babysitter Bunter?! No, it's Willers, the next door neighbor who simply wants to make sure everything is ok because he thought he saw someone creeping around the house. Jenny quickly dismisses him, shuts the door, and jumps a mile when Donny puts a hand on her shoulder and says "I'm thirsty again."

It's now Friday afternoon and Jenny and Laura are hanging out at *sigh* the Pizza Oven. No comment (because you already know what my comment would be if I had one.) Laura is stuffing her snout while Jenny tells her about her night at the Hagens' house. Of course Laura can't keep her eyes off some guy who just walked in wearing a leather jacket and pants that are so tight his baby maker is probably broken. Jenny slyly brings up Laura's BOYFRIEND Eugene. Laura says she's probably breaking up with him because the magical Bob Tanner asked her out. Five bucks says Bob Tanner and Laura are this town's version of Gary Brandt and Suki Thomas. Skanks! The leather boy moves away and Laura's attention is back to Jenny. They talk more about Jenny's job until they're unterrupted by some douchebag named Chuck who has been hiding under their table the entire time for no reason other than he's an annoying little shit. He climbs in the booth beside Jenny and Laura decides it's time to leave. Chuck and Jenny chat a little because Jenny thinks he's cute. He ends up asking her out for Saturday night and she makes the mistake of telling him she babysits. "I'll come by on Saturday night while you're babysitting." She keeps telling him no, but he pretends he can't hear her. Eventually she gets pissed and walks off. I hate characters like Chuck that serve no purpose. In this case, Chuck only exists so Stine can insert every lame ass joke he can think of. "It's been real. Real gross! Haha!" Not funny. "My dad and I came here from Mars a little more than a month ago." Not funny but believable; only a fucking Martian could make such lame jokes and think they're absolutely hilarious. "Just looking up your dress! Haha!" *sigh* Shut up, Chuck.

The next evening, Jenny arrives at the Hagens' house a few minutes late. Mrs. Hagen is cool with it, but Mr. Hagen acts like he's about to have a seizure and runs upstairs. They leave a few minutes later and Donny insists they play hide and seek. He runs to hide while Jenny counts to 100. Of course Jenny gets scared walking around the house alone and gives up once she reaches the kitchen. Luckily, that's exactly where Donny is hiding and he bursts out of a closet, effectively scaring Jenny (which isn't hard). Donny may as well babysit himself. If the shit really hit the fan, Jenny would be absolutely useless. As punishment for scaring her, Jenny makes Donny go to bed which takes about another 45 minutes because Jenny is an idiot and allowed him to have plenty of sugary juice and such. Once he's in bed, Jenny hears the phone ringing in the den and runs to answer it. She really shouldn't have--it's just some pervert who gets his jollies by heavily huffing his stanky breath into the phone. Jenny sets the phone down and runs to Donny's room. He's standing there with the receiver to his ear (why does a 6 year old have his own phone?) but he swears that he didn't call, that the phone rang and he was simply listening. Donny goes back to bed and Jenny heads for the den. The pervert is persistent and calls about a million more times. Jenny ignores it, but finally just picks the damn thing up. "Hi, Babes. Are you all alone? Are you all alone in that big house? Well, don't worry. Company's coming." Ew. She hangs up, freaked out and wondering if that was Chuck. Probably. But then she remembers Willers, the greasy neighbor, and automatically believes it's him. Just because someone never washed their hair or waxes their prominent brow or wears anything that doesn't look like it came out of a Seattle grungehead's closet does not mean that person is some kind of creep! Anyway, as Jenny is preparing to call the cops (as if they would or could do anything) the phone rings... It's Mar. Hagen who apparently thinks Jenny is a complete incompetent, asking her tons of questions before finally hanging up. She paces around the room for a while before stopping in front of a photo of Donny and a little girl that looks exactly like him. Jenny realizes that this must be why Mr. Hagen is so protective of Donny--he lost a child. She quickly forgets all about this when she looks out the window and sees a car parked at the curb with a man in the driver's seat. A man sitting in a car! What kind of HELL is this?! In other words, Jenny needs to chill the fuck out.

It's Sunday morning and Jenny is eating pancakes with her mom which means she's still alive which means the man in the car wasn't the Babysitter Bonker which means the Babysitter Bonker is still at large. Oh what a world! They talk about babysitting and Mom brings up Chuck. She says he called her last night to get the Hagens' number because he knew Jenny was there. Since Jen is afraid of everything on the planet, she's now terrified of Chuck and believes he's dangerous and made those weird calls the night before. *sigh* Then she thinks she's jumping to conclusions. But maybe it WAS him. Or maybe he's harmless. SHUT UP! Even if he did call, who the hell cares? He's an irritating pest, but I seriously doubt he's sitting at home drawing up plans for Jenny's brutal murder. Although it might be best if he was...

Later, Jenny meets Laura at the mall. They talk about Chuck (what else?) and Laura says it couldn't have been him making the calls. She immediately changes the subject because Jenny's life isn't important to her in the least. What IS important? Press-on nail kits and Ellen Sapper's pierced ears. Once again, Jenny, you would be better off alone than with this dodo bird. They go into Sock City (yes, an entire store devoted to socks) and spot Chuck. Great. Jenny does her usual freak out and tries to run away before Chuck sees her, but he's already making his way over. He makes some stupid jokes, apologizes to Jenny for being a jerk at Pizza Oven on Friday and annoys the store manager to the point that the guy asks them to leave. They reach the theater where a clay animation festival is taking place and Chuck gets excited and begs them to come. Laura makes her exit, leaving Jenny alone with him AGAIN. Enjoy your clay.

Jenny is babysitting again, playing Uno and Chutes & Ladders with Donny until his bedtime. Of course it takes about an hour to get him to go to bed and Jenny has to pretend to be a werewolf before he will. How degrading. She goes into the den, opens her government textbook, and puts the new Bangles cassette into her Walkman (this book really is old). She turns off the music after a few minutes because she's afraid Donny will need something and she won't be able to hear. After a bit, she gets boredwith reading and goes in the kitchen for a Coke (is Pepsi a sin? How much does Stine get for product placement?) Eventually her mind wanders to Chuck...I was over this storyline the moment it was introduced. It's boring! The guy hasn't done a damn thing and she's acting like he's Charles Manson. Of course she gets another freaky call. "Hi, Babes. Are you all alone? Don't be sad. I'll be there soon. Then the fun will really begin." Promises promises. Jenny reacts predictably and calls the police. What the hell could they possibly do? They could post someone outside the house, but the creep would just drive on by once he saw the coppers. They could trace the call, but...you know what? Just forget it. I don't even care! The cop she talks to takes down all her information and says the calls probably came from...INSIDE THE HOUSE! AHHHHH! I wish. He says the calls probably won't amount to anything and she should get a friend or something to stay with her if it would make her feel safer. Jenny feels better even though the call was pretty much useless. She runs to check on Donny and hears someone knocking at the door. Is it the Babysitter Buster?!

No. It's Chuck who scares the shit out of Jenny because he's wearing a scary mask. Does she ever shut up? She spends about 99.9% of her life screaming her head off. Once he pulls the mask off, she opens the door and gets pissed. She verbally cuts his ass to shreds, but he refuses to leave and she finally lets him in because he looks cold. You're both idiots. He apologizes and before Jenny can say anything, Donny comes downstairs in his little G.I. Joe pajamas and wants to know who the hell has invaded his home. I love you, Donn.y Chuck introduces himself and asks Donny if he'd like to try on the monster mask. Donny says yes, Jenny says no, and Chuck ignores Jenny's "authority" by giving Donny the mask. Chuck and Donny play around until Jenny gets angry and says Donny needs to go back to bed. Donny begs Chuck to tuck him in and Jenny says it's ok. As if anyone is actually listening to her at this point. Chuck comes back a few minutes later and tries to cuddle with Jenny on the sofa, but she's not having it. Instead she decides to ask if he called her earlier. His answer? "Yes, I'm sorry, Jenny. It was me." SHOCK! Before he can say more, a loud crash from outside interrupts. Even though she's usually scared of her own shadow, she grabs a flashlight and decides to investigate. She makes her way to the side of the garage and finds America's favorite greaseball Willers. He claims he thought he saw a prowler, came out to investigate, and tripped over a pile of firewood. Jenny doesn't really believe him but heads back inside where Chuck offers to warm her up. Not with the child in the house, sir. Jenny refuses and Chuck opts to explains his phone calls instead. He says he called, got nervous, started breathing heavily, and hung up. She mentions the other call, but he says that wasn't him. She still isn't sure, but rather than think about it, she decides to make out with him. It always leads to that, doesn't it?

20 minutes later and they're STILL kissing...until they hear car doors slamming outside and realize the Hagens must be home and Daddy Hagen probably won't take too kindly to a strange boy in his house. Chuck darts out the front door just as the Hagens come in through the back. Mr. Hagen wanted to leave the party early because he has no faith in Jenny. He stomps upstairs as his wife bitches about his "hunches and bad premonitions". He hands Jenny her coat and goes into the living room. "Wait a minute! What's this?" Uh-oh. It's just that stupid mask, but Mr. Hagen acts like he discovered a used condom stuffed in the couch. But I forget that teenagers NEVER have sex! NO! *sigh* Jenny lies and says she brought it for Donny. Mr. Hagen accepts this and finally shuts his fat face. As he drives Jenny home, he quietly informs her that he doesn't like his babysitters to have visitors. Jenny nervously says she understand. When he pulls up to her house, he whispers "We had another child." Okey dokey. Jenny says by but he doesn't seem to hear.

The next day, Jenny and Laura are in P.E. playing volleyball. Jenny sucks and Laura acts like a total bitch about it. "Try to get it over the net this time!" Shut. Your. Piggy. Snout. Jenny calls her out on it and Laura's excuse for being so cranky is she broke up with Bob Tanner the night before. She works fast. And that's really no excuse to treat your supposed "best friend" like a piece of gutter trash. Before Jenny can reply, she gets the wind knocked out of her by a fast moving serve. She goes to sit in the locker room and finds a note in her backpack. 'Hi, Babes. All alone in that big old house? Don't worry. Company's coming.' Not this shit again. He could at least be creative. Now Jenny believes more than ever that it's Chuck. I wish I cared.

It's Saturday evening and Jenny is on the bus heading toward her usual destination. She gets off and walks a few blocks. She's almost to the Hagen house when she sees Willers following her and she flips out and starts running. He tells her to stop, but her mother always told her to never trust plaid so she keeps running. When she reaches the house, Mr. Hagen opens the door. She tells him about Willers and he says he doesn't know anyone by that name and the house next door has been vacant for months. Well, that at least explains Willers' unkempt appearance--he's a homeless drifter. The parents leave and Donny wants to watch the movie he rented--Poltergeist. He falls asleep about halfway through and Jenny puts him to bed. A few moments later, she hears footsteps. Not Donny. NOT the cat. It's Mr. Hagen whose paranoia has become extremely annoying. He says he had a bad feeling something was wrong and rushes to check on Donny. "Jenny! Donny's gone! Gone!" Well, that's just fucking peachy. Mr. Hagen completely loses his mind, screaming until Donny pops out from under the bed. Hagen grabs him like he hasn't seem him in years. Mrs. Hagen enters a moment later and tells her husband she's giving him some of those happy pills she's so fond of. She says she'll drive Jenny home, but he insists he'll do it and they put Donny to bed.

When Jenny arrives home, she finds her mom in bed reading. They say good-night and when Jenny gets to her room, she decides she would rather spend Saturday nights like her mom. She'll work for the Hagens a little while longer but that's it. With Jenny's nerves, I'm surprised she lasted this long. Her phone rings and it's just (up)Chuck. He says she's been avoiding him and he's sorry for whatever he did. She explains about the creepy note and says she doesn't know what to think. He begs to see her on Thursday night to "study" and she says he and Laura can both come. He ends the conversation with "Thursday night will be special." and Jenny thinks that was weird and reads way too much into it. Jenny needs to pocket some of Mrs. Hagen's happy pills. Maybe that'll shut her up...

Thursday rolls around and after putting Donny to bed, Jenny rushes to answer the door. It's Chuck, Laura, and poor Eugene, Laura's whipping boy. Laura immediately drags Eugene into the den for reasons I'd rather not think about. Jenny and Chuck start making out until they're interrupted by Eugene telling Chuck that he left his headlights on. He runs outside and once alone, Jenny hears a noise in the kitchen. Here we go AGAIN. Turns out it's just that meddling cat who has knocked over the sugar cannister and is busy lapping it up. Instead of cleaning it up, Jenny goes back to lapping at Chuck's tonsils. Unfortunately, once she comes up for air, she sees Mr. Hagen standing over them. Oh shit.

Before Hagen can decapitate them both, Mrs. Hagen walks in and so does Laura and Eugene. Jenny's friends bail because Mr. Hagen is about to totally lose his freaking mind. While the Hagens go check on Donny, Jenny goes into their bedroom to get her coat. Once she opens the closet, a shoebox filled with the obligatory damning newspaper clips falls out. All the articles are about the recent babysitter attacks and about babysitters in general. And all the names have been circled in red marker. Jenny decides Mr. Hagen is insane even though those could very well be Mrs. Hagen's clippings. NOT. Mr. Hagen enters and tells her it's time to go. She says she could just take the bus, but he insists he must drive her. Yeah...right off the edge of a cliff. Oh, my mistake--he's driving her to the middle of nowhere and she only just realized it. When she makes the mistake of asking too many questions, he screams "SHUT UP!" and smacks her across the face. At the risk of getting slapped again, are we there yet? Anyway, Jenny says she didn't do anything and Mr. Hagen explains why he hates babysitters: "I had a baby. A little girl. She was only two. But the babysitter wasn't quick enough. The babysitter wasn't smart enough. The babysitter wasn't GOOD ENOUGH! My little girl died. Now it's your turn." I get the sinking feeling that Jenny is speeding down a dark and desolate highway with *gulp* the Babysitter Basher!

The car suddenly comes to a stop and Mr. Hagen forces Jenny out of the car. She realizes that they're at the old deserted rock quarry where no-one can hear you scream. They stop near the edge of a deep pit and Jenny realizes he plans on pushing her in. She keeps telling him that she didn't do anything, but all he knows for sure is the time: "It's time to die." Blunt much? Just as Mr. Hagen steps forward to shove Jenny to her death, a man's voice calls out "Stop right there, Hagen!" SAVED! By Willers! Although greasy and clumsy, he can still serve a purpose. Even though he's pointing a gun at Mr. Hagen, Hagen still makes a move to push Jenny. She dives out of the way and he goes sailing into the pit. "His scream cut through the air like a fading police siren. Then she heard a sickening crash, like a full carton of eggs hitting the sidewalk. Then silence." Fucking ouch.

Willers comes over and leads Jenny away from the pit. He tells her his real name is Lieutenant Ferris; he's the officer Jenny talked to the night she freaked out and called the cops. They get into his car and as he drives, he explains that he's had Hagen's house staked out since the babysitter attacks started. "Two years ago, his daughter died mysteriously. No-one ever knew the cause. [That's what MYSTERIOUSLY means, Sherlock] He went berserk. He blamed the babysitter that was taking care of her. It wasn't the girl's fault, but Hagen just went nuts. He attacked the girl, beat her up pretty badly. It went to court. He got off lightly because he had been in a disturbed emotional state. Then he moved to the other side of town and took a new job. When someone started bearing up babysitters a few months ago, he was our prime suspect." Ok, Chatty Cathy, I get it. And all of that just sounds so stupid.

Once home, Ferris walks Jenny to the door where she's greeted by her mom and Chuck. Ferris explains everything and leaves for the Hagens' house after telling Jenny he'll pick her up tomorrow for a statement. As the three sit at the table drinking tea, Jenny's mom mentions a woman who needs a babysitter. Are you stupid or just stupid? Obviously Jenny refuses and Chuck says that she's only babysitting him from now on. *sigh* Shut up, Chuck.

Conclusion? So Mr. Hagen was the one making all the calls and writing the notes. GROSS. The big problem I have with this book is the fact that we never learn how the child died. What the hell happened and why was the babysitter blamed? Oh well. This was the simple story I had been craving. I could have done without Chuck and his brainless jokes, though. They weren't funny in 1989 (when this sucker was published. Stine's glory days!) and they're not funny now.

Next time: "First Date" She's a lonely girl searching for love. He's a psychotic teenage boy with big creepy hands, perfect for choking a chicken. Can they make it work? *cough*NO*cough*

Missing

What. The. Hell. I'm speechless.

Book Description:

What would YOU do if your parents didn't come home, didn't call, left no note? At first, Mark and Cara Burroughs aren't terribly alarmed. Their parents have stayed out late before. But other things start to go wrong. Mark's girlfriend Gena breaks up with him and suddenly disappears. The police don't seem at all interested in finding Mark and Cara's parents. And their mysterious cousin who boards with them seems to be spying on their every move! When murder strikes, Mark and Cara learn their terror is only beginning. Someone wants THEM to disappear too! But why? The answer lies deep in the Fear Street Woods. But will they live long enough to find it?

My Description:

Cara, our narrator through most of this tale of DOOM!, begins the story with the party she and Mark were having the first night their parents didn't come home. They're acting like their parents are mental incompetents who need help with everything and don't know their butt from a hole in the ground (judging by the ridiculous cover, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree). She and Mark are fairly new to Shadyside and don't understand why everyone acts so weird about the fact that they live on Fear Street. You'll find out soon enough, my friends. Mwahahahaha! *cough* Anyway, we get some descriptions of the siblings. Mark is a blond, dimpled cutie who I pray looks better than that jackass on the cover (no, I don't know when I'll shut up about the cover. The damn thing is so ridonkulous I can't take my eyes off it). He makes friends easily because Shadyside teens love a looker. In fact, that's really all it takes to be a success in this town. Blond hair + blue eyes + dimpled chin = world domination. Cara, on the other hand, is a little different. She has difficulty making friends and blames this on her twisted sense of humor and cynical world view. Folks, dare I say that we have a *gasp* INTERESTING main character that has more to talk about than psychotic teenage boys and the latest trip to Pete's Pizza? I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she doesn't take a turn for the worse about 50 pages in.

Cara rambles about her friends Lisa and Shannon and Mark's unhealthy obsession with his girlfriend Gena Rawlings. The fact that he spends nearly every waking moment with her or thinking about being with her *cough*possibly while touching himself*cough* is really pissing off his parents. Speaking of the parents, their job causes them to move a lot (six moves in the last eight years) which is why Cara doesn't bother to get close to anyone: "My mom puts me down a lot for being a loner, but what choice do I have? I mean, why get involved with people when you're only going to know them for a short while?" First of all, your mom sucks. Second, it will literally save your life if you stay away from everyone who even attempts to speak to you in this town. We get more useless info about the family and how sexy Gena is (she's a total slut). But back to the party. Things are getting a little nuts and Cara is trying to handle things alone because Mark is too busy exploring Gena's cavernous mouth with his tongue. The doorbell rings and Cara finds a police officer on the other side. She freaks out because she thinks something has happened to her sucky parents, but the cop just says there's been a burglary a few houses down and wonders if they've seen anything suspicious. She says no, he leaves his card and drives off. Cara informs the dirty degenerates that it's a school night and they need to go home. Everyone leaves and Cara and Mark take a look at all the crap they have to clean up. She wants to get it all clean before Ma and Pa get home, but Mark says they probably won't even show. Apparently, their parents are still young-ish and they can't seem to grow the hell up so they occsionally stay out all night partying. Like I said, SUCKY! The kids should not be sitting up all night wringing their hands in worry over whether their shitty, juvenile parents are coming home any time soon. They decide to call their parents' office, but the phone is dead. Typical. Then they hear someone walking around upstairs. It's R.L. Stine who has come to inform them they're trapped in his sticky Fear web and they're never getting out. Over his dead mole! Enough with that, though..you know I get deathly ill when speaking of The Growth. Anyway, it's not Mr. Stine at all. It's their creepy ass cousin Roger. He's very good looking, very shy, and slinks around the house like a lion stalking its prey. CHILLS! Roger lives in the attic or no apparent reason whatsoever. He goes to junior collefe and isn't the first boarder the family has taken in. "Other young guys have boarded with us in other towns we've lived in." I must admit I'm a little disturbed by that. Why is it always guys? Is Mom a cougar who sleeps with these poor souls before painting the walls with their entrails? Is THAT why they move so much? This book just got a lot more interesting. Yes, I know I'm sick. Roger has apparently been jacked up on something because he's completely unaware that a party was going on or that the defective parental units (purchased on the JCPenney layaway plan) are missing.

Roger goes back to his dungeon and Mark creams his pants as he announces it's time for Star Trek. He owns all the Star Trek novels and is fond of giving the Vulcan salute. Yeah, he's one of THOSE. The two go upstairs to check out their parents' room in case they left a note or something. The door opens and Cara freaks out because NO-ONE MADE THE BED! NOOOOO!!! THE HUMANITY! WHY HAVE WE BEEN CURSED?!? I'm not even joking. She screams because the blankets and sheets are all rumpled up and "it looks like there's been a fight." Are you kidding me with this? It's just wrinkled bedclothes, not a murder scene! Then they spot something that is genuinely disturbing--someone is hiding behind the curtains, their shoes peeking out. It's...Roger? He says he came in to see if their parents left a note and then went to look out the window because he heard an odd noise. He claims he didn't hear them come in because the curtains are heavy and block out sound. Are the damn things made of metal? Your excuse pains me with its lies, Roger! He's holding a black box which he claims is his Walkman before shoving it into his pocket and heading for the attic. A few moments later, Cara finds a damn MONKEY SKULL wrapped in the sheets. It's not an actual skull, though--it's carved of ivory with yellow rhinestones for eyes. Eyes that "radiate evil" according to Mark. No comment.

Mark wakes up around 2 am and hears a weird noise. He goes over to the window and sees Roger running down the street. He's HOWLING like a dog. Yeah, let that one sink in. Then he runs over to a gray van where he's helped inside by two others. Ok then. Mark waits by the window for a few seconds before deciding to sneak up to the attic to search for anything that would explain why Roger is suddeny acting like a deranged wolf boy. Just as Mark sets foot on the stairs, Roger comes up behind him. "Hey, Mark, what are you doing up?" Oh shit. Mark comes up with some lame excuse and hurries back to his room.

The next morning, Cara and Mark find that their parents are still MIA. So they go to the kitchen for a healthy breakfast of cornflakes and Coke because SOMEONE forgot to buy any milk. Yuck. "Actually, it didn;t taste that bad." Shut up, Mark. You're an orphan. What do YOU know? Anyway, Mark tells Cara about Roger and the van. He now thinks it isn't a big deal; after all, Roger is entitled to a private life. But Cara thinks it's too big of a coincidence that as soon as their parents go missing, Roger starts acting like a maniac. Maybe Roger has never been without adult supervision and went wild, running through the streets and jumping into a van to toke with the local potheads. *sigh* We all know it's something more NEFARIOUS. Unfortunately. They decide to go upstairs and ask Roger why he's been acting so weird. He's already left for classes, though, so they take the opportunity to dig through his personal belongings (which are no longer so personal). The only "strange" thing they find is an unused notebook and brand new textbooks. Cara considers this weird because if Roger really is a student, shouldn't he actually be using these things? No you're just grasping at straws, my dear. Then Cara paws through Roger's underwear like a dog searching for a bone and finds a pistol. NOOOO! "Maybe he likes to shoot at cockroaches." Yeah, yeah, that must be it. *sigh*

Cara decides to jog down the street to their neighbor Mrs. Fisher's house to use the phone. She attempts to call her parents first, but no-one at the office answers. She comes to the conclusion that she and Mark will have to go to Cranford Industries and search for their brainless parents, school be damned. Before leaving, she calls the phone company about fixing their phone and a nice lady says they'll be right on it. Cara walks home and is shocked to see her parents' car is in the garage. Mark comes out and Cara informs him that they gotta get to their parents' office. Mark, however, is more concerned about a math test and seeing his slutty pet Gena. Cara convinces him that their parents are more important and goes to get the extra set of keys to the car. As they're driving, Mark spots a van that looks just like the one Roger hopped into the night he was running through the streets howling like the filthy mutt he is. They pull up to the van and ask the albino driver if he's waiting for Roger, but the guy denies knowing anyone named Roger. *cough*LIAR*cough*

They finally make their way to the office where a smug guard hassles them a little at the gate before finally letting them through. They go inside the building, crap themselves when they think they see their parents, realize they were mistaken, and are informed by the secretary that their parents, Lucy and Greg Burroughs, aren't even in the computer. She calls the CEO (Mark is confused and doesn't even know what that is. His brain is a damn sieve--he probably knows every time a cast member of Star Trek has a bowel movement, but he doesn't know what a CEo is?) The man comes down and when Cara explains that her parents install computers here, he says they aren't having new computers installed. At this point, I would be like "Fuck it" and go home to my Doritos, fuzzy wuzzy kitty, and sickeningly tall stack of Fear Street books (SOB!) But noooooo, these kids just aren't gonna throw in the towel. They wander off to Shadyside Park to think about what the big CEO told them and the fact that their parents are deadbeat liars who forget to buy milk and allow creepy zombies to live in their attic on a regular basis. And don't forget the monkey skull! Anyway, they go to school to use the pay phone to call Roger. He says their parents are still God knows where and he has to go so see ya suckas! Cara heads off to eat lunch with her friends and Mark searches for Gena, but can't find her so he decides she must've stayed home. He calls her and completely loses his shit because...

"Gena broke up with me." It's now 5 pm and Cara finds Mark slumped in the kitchen, crying over his long lost GEEEENNNAAA! Cara says she still has the card of the policeman who broke up their party the night before (that feels like an eternity ago) She calls the guy and he says he'll try to hunt them down. He even offers to kick their asses for abandoning their children. Yay! As Cara hangs up, she hears someone else hanging up and realizes that Roger must have been listening in. Oh well. The guy has absolutely no life...let him have his entertainment where he can get it. Speak of the devil--Roger comes downstairs and Cara immediately accuses him of eavesdropping. He denies it of course and Mark butts in, asking him about the van. Roger simply says Mark was hallucinating. THEN they bring up the fact that he has a gun in his room. The asshole tells them that they're crazy, but five seconds later, he says his father gave him that pistol for his 18th birthday. He gives a big sob story about his father's death and afterwards, says he has to leave. As soon as he's gone, Cara says she doesn't believe his bullshit for a second: "I don't believe his story about the gun. It was just too cornball for words. Also, if he just keeps it as a memento, why was the gun loaded?" Why don't they throw all his shit out on the lawn, tell him to beat it, and call the cops if he doesn't cooperate? It isn't his house, after all. He's just an attic squatter. Instead of listening to my worldly wisdom, they go downstairs to find something for supper. They end up eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and after, Cara says she's going to trail Roger. What a genius idea. Or something. Mark decides to hang behind and Gena calls. All he hears is a struggle and her crying. Ruh roh, Shaggy.

Mark, on a quest to be a hero (or a complete dumbass) takes off toward Gena's house. Unfortunately, the quickest route is through the Fear Street Woods. Mark starts thinking about a story some kid told him about some teenagers who came upon a rat monster the size of a frigging elephant creeping through the woods. Did it have a greasy mole? Large glasses for its myopic eyes? A hangdog face that is so depressing, you'd rather jump off a 70 story building than stare at it for even one moment? If you answered no to any of the above, I don't believe your story, sir. Anyway, Mark gets himself lost and falls into some kind of trap, but we don't get details because the chapter ends there.

We return to Cara following Roger through the darkened streets of Shadyside. He goes to Alma's, a diner downtown. She enters the restaurant and sees Roger talking to the albino weirdo from the van. Just as she turns to leave, Roger grabs her shoulder and accuses her of spying. Then he calmly introduces her to his "faculty advisor" Dr. Murdoch. He claims they were discussing his schedule, but Cara knows he's a lying piece of crap and leaves as quickly as possible. "Dr. Murdoch" is skeeving me out. He's just sitting therer undressing her with his eyes. Or maybe that's just my imagination. But you don't just sit there grinning like a possum at someone you just met. As Cara walks home, a car begins following her...

Meanwhile, out in the pit of hell that some call the Fear Street Woods, Mark is trying to think of a way to get out of the deep hole he has fallen into. He manages to crawl out and is promptly attacked by a huge dog. They wrestle and Mark ends up breaking its neck. NOOO! Another dead animal. Dammit, Stine, may PETA tar and feather your ass! Mark sees a monkey skull attached to the dog's collar. I wish I cared. Mark scampers off to Gena's house, decides not to ring the bell because he's afraid of the big bad wolf (i.e. Gena's father), climbs the trellis instead, and falls, effectively busting his lily white ass.

Ok, back to Cara. The freak who has been following her turns out to be Captain Farraday, the cop she called about her currently non-existant parents. He says he needs a photo of Mom and Dad and he'll give Cara a lift home so he can pick it up. On the way, she tells him about the monkey head and Roger's "Dr. Murdoch". Farraday doesn't really respond to either tidbit. They arrive and Cara fetches the picture. Once the cop leaves, she calls to Mark and realizes she's alone. OoOoOoOo. Someone pulls into the driveway, but OF COURSE the chapter ends there and we're pulled back to Mark's super happy fun time.

When we left Mark, he had just fallen from the trellis outside Gena's window because he's too much of a coward to knock on the front door. Even though he's bleeding everywhere, the idiot didn't learn his lesson because he's climbing the thing again. Just throw some rocks at her window or something! He miraculously makes it through the window, but Gena isn't there. He helps himself to one of her socks to staunch the blood and finds a white monkey head on her floor identical to the one he found in his parents' dirty sheets. Suddenly he hears footsteps. He stuffs the head in his pocket and searches for a place to hide. As we all know, Mark is too quick or bright and before he knows it, he's staring at Gena's scary daddy who happens to be holding a pistol. Unfortunately for us, there is no action. Dad apologizes for thinking Mark was a burglar and nearly blowing his head off and they chat about Gena. This guy doesn't seem at all phased by the fact that he just found a bloody, dirty boy sneaking around inhis daughter's room. Maybe because this happens a lot? I told you Gena was a slut. Anyway, turns out Gena was so upset about Mark, she went to stay with her cousin upstate. Upset about WHAT? Everyone keeps saying that, but it doesn't make any freaking sense! Yeah, they broke up, but was their feeble relationship THAT big of a deal? Mark takes this at face value, but I think he suspects Gena's sudden disappearance and his parents vanishing are somehow related due to these stupid monkey heads.

Back at home, Cara stops freaking out over the car in the driveway. It's just her friend Lisa, a Cher look-a-like who is a TOTAL BITCH. Seriously. As soon as she hits the door, every other word out of her ugly mouth is an insult to Cara. Cara mentions her missing parents and that shuts Cher up. Then Cara changes the subject, saying they should start on their history homework. Lisa makes small talk, mentioning that Gary Brandt likes Cara. "He's a fox." He's also a dirty whore. They talk for a while longer and finally Lisa leaves. Cara feels pretty good about the visit. "I'd made a real friend." You're an idiot. Cara sits for a moment before remembering she wanted to hide Roger's gun and think of a way to kick his ass to the curb. FINALLY! But the gun is gone. SHOCK! Not.

On Thursday, Cara and Mark make it to school. On the way home, they tell each other everything that happened the night before since they weren't together. Once home, Mark wants Cara to call Farraday, but the worthless phones are out again. I'm chalking that up to the fact that Fear Street is a hell hole that's pretty much forgotten by the rest of Shadyside which is why things keep breaking down--no-one cares! The two go to the mall for sushi. Just kidding--they go for PIZZA. Of fucking course they do. Just ONCE I would like to see someone in these books eat something else besides pizza. Just once! Anyway, on the way home, Cara remembers the name of one of their parents' friends, Wally Wilburn. That sounds totally made up. They decide to call him if the phone is working which of course it isn't. So they look up his address in the phone book, see that he lives on Plum Ridge and off they go.

Wally is an actual human being and lets them in to use the phone. He looks up their parents' direct line in the Cranford Industries Directory (which means that asshole CEO lied to them) and they call, but no-one answers. They want to track down Farraday, but decide to go home first. Immediately, they spot that gray van parked about a block from their house. There are lights on in the house and they march up to Roger's room. The poor bastard has been shot in the back with an arrow. He's slumped over his desk in a pool of blood. Suddenly Farraday appears with an accusation for Mark: "This your weapon, son? Why'd you kill him?" It just gets better and better. Farraday leads them downstairs where "Dr. Murdoch" bursts in. He's holding a gun and flips out when he sees Farraday who puts three bullets in his chest. What the hell is happening? Where am I? I can't seeeeeee!!

Farraday is completely calm about the whole thing and calls for backup. When he leaves the room, Mark picks up the phone and finds it dead. So Farraday is a liar. What else is new? Farraday says he wants to ask them some questions and Mark responds by shoving him to the floor. You could have just said no, Mark. Farraday jumps to his feet, points the gun at them, and demands that they tell him where their parents are. They tell him they don't know, but he doesn't buy it. After all, he was a cop for 16 years, dammit. What kind of fool do they take him for?!? He says he killed Roger because he knew too much and now he's gonna have to kill them unless they cough up their parents' whereabouts. If you think this shizz is insane, what happens next is totally ridiculous. Gena, of all people, comes bursting in with a hunting rifle aimed at Farraday. What the hell kind of circus is this? She tells Mark and Cara to get out of the house and tells Farraday she'll kill him if she has to. And to think I thought she was nothing more than a braindead skank.

They lock Farraday in the garage and drive to Gena's house to put on some ceremonial robes. Yeah, I don't know what the fuck is going on either. They walk into the woods where they see flickering candles. Gena says the weirdos in the woods call themselves the Brotherhood. When they get closer, they see that these freaks are wearing "grinning white monkey masks." Suddenly two of the monkeys take their faces off...it's Mom and Dad! So THIS is what they abandoned their kids for? A group of psychos in monkey masks gathered around some candles in the middle of scenic nowhere? Glad to hear they have their priorities straight. *sigh* The CEO from Cranford is also there and he announces the White Monkey Brotherhood's mission; basically they wanna rule the nation. CEO man goes on to say that they must eliminate all traitors to the cause. Sadly, Mark and Cara's parents are traitors (among other things) and they're gonna kill them. Mark still has the monkey head that he picked up at Gena's and throws it at the CEO. Since he sucks at anything that doesn't involve Star Trek, he misses and the guy comes rushing over, screaming "Who threw that?" Smooth move, Captain Kirk. Their parents spring into action. Dad points a gun at CEO and screams "You're all under arrest! FBI." You have GOT to be kidding me. I mean, WHY? Why can nothing ever be simple in these damn books? *sigh*

To make this go a little faster:

--> Gena's dad is also an agent.

--> Murdoch was too.

--> Farraday was a "bent cop" who was put in jail by Mom and Dad on racketeering charges. He escaped prison and wanted revenge. Too bad.

--> Dad cries because he's sorry for lying to and neglecting his children. Tear don't cut it. Your nephew is dead and your kids are scarred for life because of you, asshole, so keep your boo-hoos to your damn self. P.S. Pardon my French.

The Burroughs family is now chilling out at home over hot chocolate. Farraday is in police custody and poor Roger has been taken away. Their parents give a big Hallmark story about how they only wanted to give them a normal childhood and blah blah blah. By Saturday, they're already packing their belongings in preperation to move again. Gena comes by to say farewell to her knight in white Vulcan ears, Mark. She gives him a small package before leaving. It's a damn white monkey head with a note that says "Can you keep a secret? I love you. Gena" No, I can't keep a secret. In fact, I just posted the whole sordid story on my blog! Nyah nyah nyah!

Conclusion? White monkeys? Fucking WHITE MONKEYS?!? The ending was so pitifully convoluted that my brain almost short circuited trying to make sense of it all. Once again, when did it become a crime to write a SIMPLE story without getting bogged down in 5674568 plot twists that only mutilate the book as a whole?

Next time: "The Babysitter" So much nostalgia for this one, baby. I loved it! But will I feel the same way this time around after being bombarded by books that make me want to end it all? We'll have to see...

Into The Dark

Book Description:

Paulette Fox refuses to let her blindness stop her from living a full life. But one thing she's never done is fall in love--until now. Paulette knows Brad Jones is the only guy for her. Even when her friends see Brad commit a horrible crime, Paulette is sure that he's innocent. Her friends tell her he's out of control. That she will be his next vicim. But Paulette knows he would never hurt her. Is Paulette right about Brad? Or has her love put her in terrible danger?

My Description:

* Just from reading the description, many of my brain cells melted like candle wax. I dread this. Truly. *

Prologue

Some creep likes spying on the blind girl because he's totally hawt for her body and that somehow gives him license to stalk her. The end.

Paulette is in the car with her friend Jonathan Maddox who can't drive worth shit. Actually, Paulette (the BLIND one) could drive better. That's pretty sad, Jon. They manage to reach their destination (Shadyside Music Academy) in one piece. Apparently Paulette is a piano virtuoso. The caucasian female Ray Charles? Hell no. Jon drops her off and almost immediately after he leaves, some guy shoves her out of the path of an oncoming car. An oncoming car with no driver behind the wheel. "Someone forgot to set the emergency brake." Thanks, Jed. Jed's friend BRAD JONES is the hero here and Paulette is a smitten kitten, baby. Brad is a senior at Shadyside High who loves music but can't take lessons at the Music Academy because he's poor white trash so he works as assistant janitor there instead so he can scam on blind piano players. He says he also plays piano and thinks Paulette is better than him. How does he know? Because he listens to her play while he's hanging out in the janitor's closet on his lunch break eating sammichs. Anyway, Jonathan comes running up for some reason and Brad says he has to go so Jon walks Paulette to her lesson.

Later, Paulette and Jon are walking to Jon's car when Brad comes running up to get Paulette's number. Jon acts all weird about it and on the drive home, he tells Paulette that there are lots of rumors floating around about the magical Braaaaaad. Before Brad moved to Shadyside, he lived in Springfield where he got into plenty of trouble. Ooo! Since Paulette is an idiot, she doesn't believe it and says she'll ask him about it later. I'm sure he'll tell the truth and I'm sure your refusal to believe the "rumors" won't come back to bite you in the ass later. *sigh*

That night, Paulette's friend Cindy calls. BRAD gets brought up and Cindy carries on about how he looks like a movie star. She doesn't mention the fact that the movie star is Don Rickles. They talk about the rumors a bit, but Cindy doesn't seem to give a shit that her friend might soon be dating a criminal. Nice. They hang up and BRAD! calls a few minutes later. He acts like a damn freak telling Paulette that she's the one he's been looking for, breathing heavily into the phone like some perverted sex maniac and finally hanging up. If that shit isn't a warning sign, I don't know what is. He's got a neon sign that says LUNATIC: CRITICAL CONDITION blinking over his big fat head, but he's cute so Paulette will throw caution to the wind and...never mind. What a frigging moron.

The next day, Paulette finishes her self-defense course with Ms. Tillotson and heads to the cafeteria for stir fry. Wow. My high school didn't have private self-defense classes OR stir fry. We did, however, hold claim to a pervy band teacher and a salad bar. Shut up. Anyway, Paulette and Cindy sit together and Cindy gossips nonstop about people I don't know and don't want to know (even if they actually existed!) She mentions she saw Brad coming out of the library with a bunch of books. Why is that weird, genius? Paulette tells her about last night's creepy phone call and speak of the devil--Brad walks up. Cindy scurries off to tell Arline about Jeffrey Galway's sister (yeah, I dunno) and Paulette is left alone with Creepy McFreakshow. They joke about the food ("It isn't too bad. If you don't swallow!" HAR HAR HAR! Or something.) Paulette feels his face and Brad tells her the story of how he got the little scar over his eye. And they both avoid the big pink elephant in the room. Seriously, why isn't she asking him what his problem was the night before? Brad changes the subject to music, claiming he practices piano in an abandoned house on *gulp* Fear Street. Good Lord.

As Paulette is walking hom from school that afternoon (how does she know where to go?) she thinks about Brad and how weird he is. At home, she plays piano until about 6:00 pm when Cindy comes over to work on a project. They get snacks from the kitchen and head up to Paulette's room where Cindy totally flips her lid. Someone drew a skull and crossbones on Paulette's wall in red paint. Beneath it is written "You will be dead, blind girl." Very blunt. I appreciate a psycho who gets right to the point. Although they should have left a card with some braille or something. The message kind of loses impact if someone has to read it to you. Ok, where the hell am I? Oh yeah, Paulette freaks out, but won't let Cindy call the cops even though the lunatic could still be in the house. She wants Cindy to help her paint over the red paint before her parents come home because they might start treating her like a baby if they think someone is trying to kill her. *sigh* She should be thanking her lucky stars that she has the only set of parents in Shadyside that actually give a damn about their child.

The next morning, Paulette eats pancakes with her parentals and ends up getting pissed off at them because she thinks they're overprotective of her. AT LEAST THEY CARE! As she's walking to school she hears footsteps behid her. She stops at the curb and whoever is behind her, shoves her into traffic. A woman slams on her brakes and offers to take her home, but Brad "mysteriously" shows up out of nowhere. The woman leaves and Paulette asks Brad if he saw anyone behind her. He says no-one was behind her and she must've just tripped. Then he grabs her and gets all freaky. "I think about you all the time. You think about me, too, don't you, Paulette? Don't you?" No thank you, weirdo. He shoves Paulette's cane in her hand and runs off. What the hell is his problem? I mean, besides the obvious...

That afternoon in study hall, Paulette tries to concentrate but she can't stop thinking about what a psycho Brad is. I think it turns her on. Otherwise she'd tell him to back the hell up. Cindy and Jonathan are there and ask her what's up but she tells them nothing is wrong. Then Jon mentions lunch and Cindy tells him he's a beached whale. Damn, lady. If Cindy is mutilating the only nerve you have left, raise your hand. It's unanimous--you're a disease, Cindy. After Jon calls Cindy a 'sick guppy' (you can do better, Jonny) Paulette basically tells them to STFU. Then Brad enters. Dammit. He tells her he wants her to hear him play piano tonight because he hasn't seen her in a while. She's confused because she's pretty sure he saw her this morning after she nearly became roadkill. What the fudge is going on? Is he lying? Does he have an evil twin? Does R.L. Stine possess the ability to write a simple story without 57687677 plot twists that make no sense whatsoever and only serve to drag the story down to the lowest depths of literary hell? Guess we'll just have to read on...*sigh*

That evening, Paulette and Brad (or whoever the hell he is) go to Fear Street for Brad's private concert. Paulette thinks Fear Street smells like damp and rot. That's about right. Fears stink. They're too busy murdering and pillaging to think about bathing. When they arrive at the house, Brad explains the history behind this particular Fear Street manse. It's the same old story: "I heard that the house once belonged to a music teacher. The story is that someone murdered him and his family in here one night. I guess nobody cared what happened to the piano." I love how he cares more about the piano than the people who were brutally slaughtered. Paulette plays a little and Brad tries to stick his tongue down her throat (I never knew Beethoven was an aphrodisiac) but he's interrupted by a crashing noise upstairs. He goes to check it out like a good little boy scout. Paulette hears a scuffle and then nothing. She decides to go upstairs instead of leaving his ass and going home to her nice warm bedroom like I would have done. Suddenly someone grabs her...it's Jonathan. Why? He says he followed she and Brad to make sure she'd be ok. He's pretty sure something happened to Brad. Whatever made you think that, Sherlock? Jon goes to search for Brad and reports back: "There's no sign of him. Brad's gone." Oh well. In the car, Paulette gets totally pissed at Jon for following her. SHUT UP! Why does it bother her that she's surrounded by people who actually give a damn??? Would she rather be neglected and alone? Because if she doesn't shut her face that's exactly what's going to happen. She goes home and waits forever for Brad to call, finally going to bed when he doesn't.

She gets a chance to talk to Brad the next day at lunch. He says he's sorry for leaving her alone in a deserted house, but he had something else to do. And you couldn't have just TOLD her that, asshole? I hate this guy! Paulette says she was worried and he says he can't see her anymore. Um, you two have only known each other for like 3 days...I would hardly call that "seeing each other". Then he flips out for no apparent reason whatsoever: "No! No! It's no good! I can't let this happen again!" He runs off like a little bitch without explaining anything. Someone dump him into a bottomless pit...

On Friday night, Paulette, Cindy, and Jonathan gather at Cindy's place to watch (or listen, in Paulette's case) a horror movie about a teenage psycho killer. How fitting. After the movie, Paulette tells them that Brad doesn't wanna see her anymore and how weird he was acting. They tell her she's better off without him, but she still misses him. Once again, has she forgotten that she BARELY knows him? Shut up, Paulette.

Later, Paulette goes home where her parents inform her that Grandma has fallen and broken some ribs so they'll be heading off into the wild blue yonder for the next few nights to be with her. They're not actually sleeping over...they'll be driving back and forth. Ok then. Paulette goes to bed and just as she drifts off, she hears something scraping near the OPEN window. She goes to shut it, someone grabs her wrist, and she screams bloody murder. Her parents come running and the intruder flees. Her father finds a gold signet ring on the floor that's engraved with some unfortunate intitals--B.J. Paulette lies and says it's her friend Bobby's ring and he asked her to keep it for him. Why don't she just tell them that Brad is a creepy stalker? I don't care if she doesn't wanna be protected--the guy is fugging nuts!

The next afternoon, Paulette, Cindy, and Jon gather at Pete's Pizza (because it wouldn't be a Fear Street book without Pete and his greasy pepperonis). As Cindy and Jon talk, Paulette totally zones out. They automatically know she's upset about Brad because it's just normal to be terminally depressed about a guy you've known for a week. Give. Me. A. Break. Jon informs Paulette that Brad dropped out of school because apparently being an assistant janitor for the rest of his life is his dream. Whatever floats your tugboat, Brad. A split second later, some thug in a mask bursts into the place with a gun, screaming that this is a hold-up. We got that when we saw the gun, dumbass. The guy ends up shooting Jon (he lives) and robbing everyone of any "valuables" they happen to have. Because all teenagers carry gold coins in their back pockets and priceless antiques in their backpacks. *sigh* Somehow someone gets the gun and rips off the guy's mask. It's the very last person in the world that anyone wanted to see--BRAD. He conveniently escapes just before the cops arrive. Chalk up another failure for the Shadyside police force. An ambulance arrives and hauls Jon away and an officer questions Cindy and Paulette. Paulette thinks about how the would-be robber couldn't have been Brad because she didn't recognize his voice or his scent (she was a bloodhound in another life). She mentions this to the cop, but he dismisses her because pretty much everyone else in the room says it was Brad and now Paulette is afraid for Brad's life.

That evening, Paulette and Cindy find themselves sitting on Cindy's bed waiting for Jon's mom to call. When she does, the girls find that the bullet missed anything vital and Jon will be ok. Instead of celebrating the fact that their friend dodged death, they argue about whether or not it was actually Brad. Paulette the village idiot wants to help Brad and demands that Cindy drive her to the Academy so she can...do something. It's pretty unclear as to what the plan is here. Anybody got any weed? Anything to dull the pain of this soul sucking black hole of a book would be good.

After much arm twisting, Cindy finally agrees to drive Paulette. When they arrive, Paulette asks one of the professors if he's seen Brad. Apparently Brad never showed up for work and never called in so the head janitor is pissed. Why a professor knows or cares about this is beyond me. Paulette refuses to leave right away and she and Cindy find the staff lockers and decide to break into Brad's. Cindy pulls out a bunch of newspaper clippings (OF COURSE) that prove Brad is a total klepto; he's robbed damn near everyone in a 20 mile radius. Paulette finally acknowledges that she was being an idiot and they leave. Later, as Paulette is trying to fall asleep, she receives a call from Brad who tells her he's innocent and she needs to be careful. Whatever, man.

The next evening, Paulette's parents leave for Grandma's place. Paulette attempts to do some homework, but her thoughts drift to...if you don't know what she's thinking about, you haven't been paying attention. She's sitting in the backyard and suddenly hears footsteps crunching over dead leaves. She starts walking to the house but falls down. She hears some freak breathing heavily nearby so she crawls to the house, locks the door, and calls Cindy, begging her to come over. When she arrives, she begs Paulette to call the police, but since the weirdo didn't actually DO anything, she refuses. The girls hear sirens in the distance so Cindy turns on the news to see if there are any reports about another robbery and there is (because this book is nothing but a series of convenient contrivances). Brad is on the loose (HOW?) and this time, he's hit Uncle Sandy's Convenience Store which is a few streets over.

As Cindy prepares to leave, she begs Paulette to come with her. Paulette predictably refuses and Cindy leaves because she has to babysit. Paulette locks up and a few minutes later, Brad calls and he's got surprising news that really isn't surprising at all. He has a twin brother named Ed who has been committing the crimes and getting Brad into so much trouble. I don't think any of us saw THAT coming. THE HORROR! THE SUPERCALIFRAGILISTIC SHOCK! THE MIND NUMBING PREDICTABILITY! Ed's reasoning behind this is another example of how this book is simply a mish mash of scenes from previous Fear Street books: he was always jealous of Brad because was the golden boy and Ed was defective. Brad says that Ed wanted Paulette all to himself and would rather see her dead than with Brad and that's why Brad had to break things off. Why is he calling Paulette with this bullshit? Why not call his PARENTS? See, Paulette? You could have Brad's shitty parents instead of your caring ones. Brad continues saying Ed has hurt him and he needs help. He's holed up in the dump on Fear Street and Paulette has to come and rescue him QUICK. Excuse me while I bash my skull against the wall.

Paulette takes the bus to Fear Street to rescue some lying asshole that she barely knows. She finds Brad in a room and he tells her that Ed whill be back any minute, but they can't call the police because Ed will just find a way to pin the blame on him for those crimes all over again. Am I even awake? Maybe this is all just a nightmare. *sigh* In my dreams. A few moments later, Ed enters the house and Brad demands that Paulette call to him. This guy really is a piece of work. He's hiding behind a blind girl and taking advantage of her trusting nature by putting her in danger. Kick him in the baby maker and RUN, Paulette, RUN! Of course she does no such thing, calling to Ed so Brad can tie him up. The plan works but now Paulette has yet another problem--Ed is claiming that he is actually Brad and she's been tricked. This is truly torture. If Stine had been around during the Inquisition, those people would've really had something to fear. Before I go completely insane in the brain, let's muddle through. Paulette doesn't know what to do, but suddenly she remembers the little scar above Brad's eye. She asks Ed if she can feel his face and lo and behold, he has no scar. She just helped him hog tie Brad. Yee haw!

Now it's time for a little game called Useless Confession. Ed tells Paulette that he was responsible for the message on her wall, pushing her into traffic, etc. A truly USELESS confession! He decides to tie Paulette up and roughs her up a little first. Manners much? Ed turns to leave the room and Paulette begs him to take her with him because she loves him after all. *groan* Just kill me now. She manages to sweet talk him and he unties everything but her hands because he doesn't trust the female species. He tells her they're going to the master bedroom to get all the crap he stole at Pete's Pizza. It's really dark so he gets Paulette to hold a flashlight and she smashes it against the fireplace: "Now we're even! Now you can't see either!" Good one...if you're five years old. Ed finds her in about 1.5 seconds, Paulette fights back, and they both go tumbling towards the staircase. She falls on the floor and he goes sailing over the bannister. Let us all mourn the death of the only remotely interesting character in this book. Paulette fetches Brad and they slowly make their way outside. The last line comes from Brad: "I feel as if I'm finally coming out of the dark. I really do." Shut up. Just SHUT UP.

Conclusion? This book was painfully dull, the characters were made of cardboard, and the recycled, convoluted plot makes me wantto bury myself. My kingdom for a SIMPLE horror story!

Next time: "Missing" I don't even care what the plot of this one is. I can tell by the crazy ass cover that it's gonna be cheesy good times. Plus, this is one of the earlier Fear Street books, written back in the Dark Ages when Stine still had some original ideas.

Party Summer

Book Description:

Cari Taylor and her three friends look forward to a "party summer" working at the Howling Wolf Inn, an old hotel on a tiny island off Cape Cod. But to their dismay, the hotel is completely deserted and someone warns them to leave immediately. The mysterious owner, Simon Fear III, allows Cari and her friends to stay, giving them the run of the hotel. The four teenagers are thrilled...until they realize they have been put up in the "haunted wing"...until Simon's weird and frightening brother appears...until they hear a woman screaming "No party--please, no party!"...until the walls and faucets begin to drip blood! When Simon Fear is murdered, Cari and her horrified friends want out. But they can't escape. They're trapped on the island. And THAT'S when the "party" begins...

My Description:

*After that epic description above, I'm not sure if I even have anything to add...*

Part One: Summer Plans

*sigh* After reading about Debra and her stupid spirit conjuring in the last Fear book I read (please God let me forget that tragedy) I hoped I wouldn't have to hear about anymore spirits anytime soon. Unfortunately, I'm saddened to report that this book begins with some doofus named Jan whose only hobby is conjuring up the spirits of the damned and depraved in her attic. This party summer is already tainted and I'm not even through the first chapter. Once again, you've churned out a winner, Stine! Which is precisely why I have to kill you and your merry band of ghostwriters. Ok, enough with the death threats. Back to the abomination at hand. Jan is up in the attic trying to ignore the sounds of the rain punding outside and the dog barking downstairs. She touches a pentagram she drew in chalk on the floor over and over until she thinks she feels a ghostly presence. There's a presence alright--the presence of her douchebag friends who were standing behind her the whole time and now can't stop laughing and making fun of her. I guess these are the skeptics of Shadyside. I always thought they were just a myth. Huh. Anyway, her three friends are Cari, Eric, and Craig. Craig stupidly proclaims he didn't know Jan was a witch. Yeah, Craig sucks...and so does Eric. The two trade jokes about Jan, only stopping when she starts to cry. Cari finally changes the subject and tells Jan that they're all allowed to go to Piney Island. Apparently Jan is going with her aunt Rose and invited the three stooges. Prepare for a long, painful summer, Jan. Enjoy!

In the next chapter, Aunt Rose and Jan come to fetch Cari for the trip. We get a drawn out description of how great Cari look because Stine has a hard on for blondes. Of course Cari thinks she's so hideous and pales in comparison to Jan, the buxom brunette. Secret: I've never used the word 'buxom' before and I hope it means what I think it means. As they all travel to pick up Eric and Craig, we get descriptions of the two who both sound like major dorks who think they're totally awesome. "Eric was short and thin. He wore an oversize yellow and red Hawiian T-shirt over Day-Glo orange baggies. His dark brown hair was pulled back into a short ponytail. He had a diamond stud in one ear and wore silver wire-rimmed glasses." He sounds like someone's middle-aged uncle who is trying desperately (and failing miserably) to be cool and down with the kids these days. *cringe* I bet he wears sandals with white tube socks. And Craig? "Craig was more casual than cool." Time out. Are they insinuating that ERIC is cool? I'm cooler than him and I'm the biggest nerd I know so I don't even know what that would make him. Moving on. "[Craig] kept his blonde-brown hair short and neatly parted on the side. He was always dressed nicely, very preppy, that day in khaki, cuffed cotton shorts and white tennis shirt, but Cari had the feeling that Craig never gave much thought to what he wore." And I get the feeling that if you always look like perfection, you probably put A LOT of thought into it so suck it, Cari.

The group finally heads off to Piney Island where they'll be staying at the Howling Wolf Inn. Everyone of them keeps screaming "Party summer!" at the top of their fucking lungs and Aunt Rose must have loads of patience because she doesn't toss them in a ditch like I would do. I'm sure she'll need a stiff drink later, though. Plus, I don't know why these idiots think the visit is gonna be such a party. First of all, Rose has told them repeatedly that the place is fairly deserted. Who are they gonna party with? Surely not each other...they're too lame. Second, we know from the back cover description that they end up WORKING at the inn for some creep that probably spends his time trolling elementary school playgrounds in his big dirty van. Party? Uh, NO. Anyway, since no normal adults are allowed to be around when bad things happen, Rose falls ill on the way. The drive to her sister's house. The woman was fine two seconds ago. Now she's suddenly got tumors exploding in her stomach? Of course Rose tells the sweet children to go on without her. She'll stay with her sister for a while and catch up to them later (see what I mean? No normal functioning adults on the island means the creepy freaks can harrass the kids without consequence.) They manage to catch the boat just in time. "Party summer!" SHUT UP! Seriously, they've said that like 500 times already and it makes me wanna strangle them all. My only consolation is that they'll be dead soon anyway.

Once they reach the island and step off the boat, the man who drove them over apologizes for the rocky ride. Craig actually says it was better than any ride at Six Flags. Right. They all stand around for a few minutes whining like babies about the fact that no-one came to pick them up at the dock and now they'll have to walk uphill to the inn. Eric screams "Party summer!" and that gets them going. Of course it does. I hope Eric dies first. They make it to the gate, find it locked, toy with the idea of sleeping on the beach like a bunch of hobos, and proclaim Craig a genius when he finds the latch and unlocks the gate. No comment. When the inn comes into view through the trees, they're all amazed at how beautiful it is and how very deserted it seems to be. That should be a red flag within itself--when no-one wants to be at such a gorgeous place, there's obviously a problem. They step up to the door where some crazy haired weirdo tells them the place is closed. Guess you'll be spending the night on the beach after all, kids. Cari decides that there must be ANOTHER Howling Wolf Inn on the island because that makes plenty of sense (not really) and Jan and Eric agree on a theory that is even dumber than Cari's: "Maybe he's building a monster down in his basement laboratory. He's about to bring it to life tonight and he doesn't need four teenagers interfering with his plans." The sad part is that Jan is totally serious about this. Just as Eric screams (because he's completely incapable of talking in a normal voice) "Welcome to Castle Frankenstein!" the front door opens and a Vincent Price look-a-like in a safari jacket steps out. He apologizes for his servant Martin's behavior and introduces himself as Simon Fear III. He explains that the phones are out so he sent Rose an overnight letter the day before to tell her the inn was closed for remodeling. Either Rose didn't receive it or she was too drunk to read it. Probably both. Simon invites them in for dinner and they take a look around. He explains that his workers left the inn in disarray because they left to work on a rich psychiatrist's house. Uh, don't they have to finish one job before they begin another? Oh well. This guy is a Fear. He could wreak some havoc on their asses if they don't return. Fear the Fears!

As they're eating barbeque chicken and salad, Simon informs them that his brother Edward is upstairs, but he's very depressed and won't come out when people are around. I'd say his problems are greater than mere depression. He's probably a poor deformed oddball that Simon keeps locked in the attic for "security purposes". Anyway, Simon rambles on about the repairs that still need to be done and Eric says he and Craig could help out. After all, they got A's in Woodshop! I think you all know what I think of this so I won't even comment. Martin agrees with me and says the work should be done by professionals and it isn't safe for two stupid boys. He adds that they should all leave, but he's just a lowly servant so Simon completely disregards his opinion. In fact, Simon seems downright adamant that there should be young people around which makes me believe that my big dirty van comment hit the nail on the head. Ew. He says they should stay and hang out by the pool which prompts another round of "Party summer!" Dammit.

After dinner, Martin shows the group to their rooms in the ominous OLD wing. I guess it's supposed to be creepy, but the only scary thing about it is the freaking mothball stench. Martin freaks them all out by saying there are strange things going on in this place and if they had any sense, they would leave tomorrow. Well, you're talking to a group of kids whose IQs are barely higher than a rock's so I guess you're stuck with them, Martin.

The next day, the gang is hanging out at the beach, roasting their bums in the sun. They take a break from tanning to make fun of Jan a little because they feel she's a real weirdo. At least she's somewhat interesting! That's more than I can say for the rest of you schmucks. They all admire the scenery and Eric wonders aloud when Gilligan and the Skipper are going to show up. For the record, those two were the most irritating human beings on that forsaken island. Now the Professor...THERE'S a man! While I think about my attraction to a man who's probably dead, Cari thinks about how cute she finds Eric. "It must be the great mood I'm in, she thought. I'm attracted to EVERYBODY today." Hmm. I'm sure Simon will be thrilled to hear that. He's probably got his high powered telescope out and is watching them frolicking in their skimpy shorts and swimsuits. Ok, I'm grossing myself out so let's move on. Jan finally gets fed up with Eric's silly bullshit so she goes back to the inn. Everyone else immediately forgets her and goes for a swim. Nice.

That night, they eat their dinner on the beach while watching the sunset. Such a Hallmark moment. Doesn't exactly make my crusty heart melt, but sweet nonetheless. Eric even apologizes to Jan for his jackassery. They have lobster, clam chowder, salad, and French bread, courtesy of the magical Martin. And they don't mention drinks. I guess they'll just slurp some saltwater. As they're eating, they notice Simon standing on a sand dune, watching them. See? He's a total creep! He's dressed like a pimp and is carrying a bottle of wine. Good ahead and get the kids drunk. Good one, Simon, you perverted freak. Simon joins the group and Cari immediately starts begging him to tell her stories about his family history. She lives on Fear Street and wants to know about the old burned out mansion located there. *sigh* I really HATE hearing about the Fear history. They're all a bunch of psychotic maniacs. The end. Anyway, Simon tells the story of his great-uncle whose name was also Simon. I'm not going to repeat the story because it's long, boring, and painfully predictable. The only interesting part of it is the part where Simon's children were found in the woods...without their bones! Mwahahaha! Jan suddenly takes a chill and says she's running back to the inn to get a sweatshirt. A few moments later, they hear her blood curdling scream. They all come running and Jan says she saw the ghost. No-one believes her of course so she gives a drawn out description of the ghostly lady to make herself seem more credible. But she kind of cancels out all credibility when she says the ghost has snowman eyes. What? Are those like Bette Davis eyes? "She had these eyes. They were big and black. They looked like lumps of coal. Like snowman eyes." Thanks for clearing that up, Jan. Too bad everyone thinks you're a lying kook.

Later, Cari has trouble falling asleep so she thinks about home and then Eric. What is his appeal? He's an annoying dork! "He was so cute. She didn't even mind the diamond stud in his ear which at first she had thought was a silly affectation." Puke. Then she starts thinking about the ghost and it's black lumpy eyes and decides she should go down to the kitchen for a drink of water to forget about it. Yeah, I'm sure nothing will happen. Only it does. She hears someone (something?) calling her name and runs away. She literally runs all over the inn, going down every hallway and taking every stair. Does that make any sense whatsoever? Didn't think so. She only stops when she hears a man and woman arguing in one of the rooms. Cari decides to help the situation by eavesdropping. *sigh* Where the hell did the ghost go? Oh well. Cari hears Simon say "Listen to me!" and the woman replies "Please, Simon, I'm begging you! Please--no party! No party! Please!" What kind of party is this sicko trying to throw that would make this woman so nuts? I don't even wanna know....this entire sequence is stoopid.

Part Two: The Invitation

Cari stands there staring at the door like she's suddenly been struck blind, deaf, and dumb. Finally she decides to go tell Jan about it. I'm sure Jan will enjoy being awakened for something so pointless. Once Cari gets to Jan's room, though, it's obvious Jan hasn't yet been to sleep. Cari explains everything and says they really have to get out of this place soon. Just figuring that out, eh? You kids are really very slow. The next scene is so ridiculous that I can't help but laugh. Cari and Jan walk to Cari's room where they discover some gooey crap on the doorknob. Jan says it's probably some sort of "protoplasmic substance" left by the ghost.

"Like in Ghostbusters?" Cari asked.

"Yes," Jan replied, bringing her shadowy face close to Cari's. "But this AIN'T NO MOVIE."

Seriously? Seriously?! They're acting like the fucking world is coming to an end because they found some jelly on a doorknob. And Jan? Cut the melodramatic bullshit. "But this AIN'T NO MOVIE." No, it's a shitty book that considers itself cool because it drops Ghostbuster references and quotes from Frankenstein. Bah!

The next morning over blueberry muffins, Cari and Jan inform the boys of what happened. As usual, no-one believes the story because it sounds like the idiotic crap that it is and as usual, Jan makes the situation worse by adding another convoluted theory to the mix: "The woman you heard in Simon's room HAS to be a ghost, too. Maybe she and Simon are lovers. Maybe they've been lovers for a hundred years. Maybe Simon is really a vampire and the woman..." This girl is on crack. First of all, I don't want to think about Simon making love to ANYTHING. Second, why in hell would he be a vampire? He's given no indication of it which brings me to my third point: shut the fuck up, Jan. There is no ghost and no vampire. All I see is a bunch of too-stupid-to-live kids and a couple of creepy perverted old men. Seriously, what is up with the vampire shit? Is this really the direction this is going? *sigh* Why ask?

Martin enters with a toolbox and tells them it's time to get to work. After a while, Jan, Craig and Eric take a break, but Cari says she wants to finish something first. She turns and spots a man who is presumably the mysterious Edward. Of course he's Simon's total opposite, a Jekyll and Hyde sort of thing (how I wish I was reading that rather than this). Simon is very put together and neat whereas Edward is sloppy and carries a rifle for no apparent reason. Uh, yeah. BANG! Anyway, we get more about Edward being sooooo depressed yet we're never given a reason. Then again, I suppose being locked away like a dirty little secret would make anyone sad. Just before he leaves, he tells Cari "I insist you stay for the party. Make no plans to leave." Does she even have a choice?

That night, Cari and Eric go for a romantic walk on the beach while I prepare to slit my wrists. Cari admires how cute he looks with his tan and cutoff shorts. What is it with Stine and denim cutoffs? Is that his outfit of choice on hot summer days? I just had a most disturbing vision of Stine in nothing but a pair of cutoffs, sitting in a plastic kiddie pool with a beer, yelling at his son to hose him and his big sweaty mole. *BARF* Moving on! The two start to make out, but cut it short when they hear something shuffling behind a boulder. This is a new low, Simon!

The next morning involves more blueberry muffins and plenty more work. These morons finally realize that they haven't attempted to contact Rose so Jan does so and gets no answer. A convenient "accident" in which Eric yanks off a bunch of wallpaper revealing a hidden door gets them all excited. Rose could be dead somewhere and they're worried about a stupid door that probably leads to absolutely nothing. I'm glad they have their priorities straight. Jan tells them to get away from the door because she can feel the EVIL, baby. It's positively radiating EVIL! Predictably, everyone laughs at her. Will she never learn her lesson? Eric opens the door, peeks inside at a "secret passageway", and everyone freaks out when a bat falps out and quickly exits through an open window. They decide to enter despite Jan's protests. Why does she go along if she has such bad feelings? Save your own ass, Jan. We get more terrible monster impersonations from Eric (this time, he's butchering my beloved Count Dracula. Lugosi is rolling in his grave as we speak.) Normally, I love finding horror movie references in books, but these shitty impersonations SUCK. They're not even accurate! Ok, so I'm being a giant nerd right now. But Eric needs to be muzzled. They go down into the passageway and find that it forks. They make a turn and walk until they hit another door. Inside is a small room that has a wooden table and benches in the center. On the table is a human skull that is covered in protoplasm (a.k.a. grape jelly) and Jan claims a ghost materialized her recently. Here we go again. They freak out and run all the way back up the tunnel until they reach the door they came though. Unfortunately, it won't open. Tee hee. They bang on the door, but no-one opens it so they decide to attempt to find another way out. This should be interesting. Or something. They walk through tunnel after tunnel before coming to the conclusion that they'll be trapped down here with the spiders and Eric's half assed impersonations forever! AHHHH! Oh never mind--they find a way out about 2.5 seconds after they start freaking out. A tunnel opens up to the beach for reasons I don't really understand. They trudge back to the inn and find that the scaffolding Eric had been working on earlier is shoved against the "secret" door. Someone deliberately trapped them. SHOCK! Not.

That night, dinner is chowder. I don't see how anyone could possibly eat, though, with Edward flashing his old man boobs (a.k.a. moobs) at everyone. "He was wearing the same safari jacket Cari had seen him in during their first encounter. It was open, revealing a pale yellow sport shirt underneath with two buttons missing." Cover that shit up! Simon is gone for the evening so I guess Edward was commanded to hang around and make everyone uncomfortable. He ignores everyone and leaves immediately after eating. I'm beginning to like him and his saggy moobies.

After eating, the gang plays Scrabble until Simon comes home. He supposedly went to visit Rose and says she's been at a spa. That's right, Rose, dump those kids and enjoy yourself. Simon says Rose is "as fit as a fiddle. I guess that expression really dates me." No, the fact that you're 150 years old dates you.

Later, when everyone has gone to bed, Jan chalks a pentagram on the floor of her room and gets her witch on. Or something...I don't know what the hell she's doing. "I am drawn to the supernatural because I can sense it all around me. I have spirit powers, she thought, rubbing the penacle, her hand throbbing with pain, with fire, with LIFE." Uh, ok, crazy lady. She feels the energy of a spirit in the room and suddenly there's a loud knock at the door. She opens it, freaks out, and the chapter ends there. Thanks for nothing, Stine.

The next morning, Jan doesn't come down for breakfast, but no-one seems to care. They eat and begin working. What are they working on exactly? It says they exhaust themselves working, but it's quite vague as to what they're actually doing. I guess it doesn't matter. It's not like they're getting paid or anything which is probably the strangest thing about this book. A group of teenagers wasting their summer doing repairs in a stuffy inn for absolutely NO money? I don't think so.

At lunch, they all realize that Jan STILL hasn't made an appearance and instead of going up to check on her, these dirtbags just assume she and Simon went to visit Rose or something. That alone should disturb them--no young girl should be left alone with Simon. He's a perverted weasel! A few hours later, Cari FINALLY goes to Jan's room and finds it empty. As usual, no-one cares. That evening at dinner, everyone suddenly develops a conscience and begins to worry about Jan. I find this to be unfreakingbelievable. If one of my friends suddenly went missing, I'd immediately be searching. These assholes just sit around not giving a damn, not even really acknowledging the fact that something could have happened to her. Grrr! Martin comes into the dining room and asks about Jan. Even the damn BUTLER who has only known her for a few days care more than they do! Cari says she thought Jan and Simon went to visit Rose, but Martin says Simon was elsewhere today and wouldn't have seen Jan. Eric claims the ghost must have gotten her which prompts all three of them to go upstairs and play Hardy Boys, searching Jan's room for "clues". They find nothing and begin searching throughout the inn and outside. No sign of Jan so they decide to go up to Simon's room and tell him she's missing. They freeze outside his door, listening to him, Edward, and a woman arguing. The woman starts blabbing about a party and then she and Simon scream at Edward to stop...then there's a gunshot. Edward is obviously sick of "Party summer!" and decided to do something about it. Viva la Edward!

The stupid children just stand there and a moment later, Edward stumbles out with his rifle and starts yelling that Simon has had a terrible "accident". Martin gallops up the stairs and completely freaks out because good old Ed just killed Simon. Ok, but what about the crazy broad who was in there with them? No-one has time to think about it because Edward has pointed the gun at Martin. Martin manages to calm Ed and the two go downstairs. The teens sneak into the room where Simon was killed and find...absolutely nothing. No corpse, no blood or gore, and no kooky lady. So they decide to look at old photos instead. Are you kidding me? What the hell, man? They find a picture of Rose and Simon that Simon has labeled "My distant cousin Rose. I wish we weren't so distant." I'm not quite sure how to interpret that. Anyway, this means that Jan is related to the Fears as well which explains a lot. Eric believes that Rose set this whole thing up. WHY? He doesn't explain that theory, but he does go on to say that he thinks Edward slid Simon's body through a trapdoor in the room to hide it. *sigh* I think Simon and Edward are the same person. They've never been seen together at the same time and they both have a fondness for safari jackets and dumbass teenagers. Eric actually finds the trapdoor. How very (in)convenient. I think this is the moment in which this book (which is pretty awful to begin with) takes a turn for the worst. Meaning it's about to get hella convoluted. They don't find a body, but they do find a strange letter.

Dear Rose,

I am so sorry to tell you that I fear a terrible tragedy has occurred. Your niece Jan and her three friends have disappeared without a trace, without an explanation. I have been frantic, wracked with sadness, with fear, with remorse. The police from Willow Island have combed every inch of the island without success. Without a single clue. I've been trying to call you night and day. You didn't answer your phone. So I am sending this letter special delivery. So sorry to send such tragic news by mail. I am saddened and mystified. I pray that the four young people turn up unharmed. But the police offer little hope. I know their parents will grieve as I do. Rest assured that I am doing everything in my power to discover what has happened to them. I will not stop until the mystery of their disappearance is solved. I pray they are alive although all indications are that they tragically are not. I know you will pray with me.

Edward Fear

Why did he ramble on when he could've gotten straight to the point?

The kids are missing. They're probably dead. Call me--555-FEAR.

Butterflies & unicorns,

Ed

They all freak out and immediately begin packing in the hopes that they can sneak out to Simon's boat and get the hell out of dodge. Luckily Craig is not only a handyman; he's a sailor also so he can "pilot the boat". Another handy dandy coincidence. Instead of leaving ASAP, they decide to find a phone and call the police. Just GO! Call the cops AFTER you're out of the inn, you idiots! They come upon a room that is full of hunting trophies. Oh and human heads. Just another day in the life...

After they see the heads (I hope they're actually real and not just plaster or plastic. Stine is such a wimp about these things) they flee. Screw the phone! They're almost to the dock when Cari stops and says they should take the canoes that are tied behind the inn. Ok, dumbass, why didn't you mention that five minutes ago before everyone started hauling ass in the opposite direction? I hate this chick. She's a moron, Eric is annoying, and Craig is a piece of cardboard who thinks he's king of the world because he can hammer a nail. So why did the least irritating member of the group have to go missing? Anyway, they go back and the damn canoes are missing. Great. And now it's raining. God obviously hates them as much as I do. They take shelter in the pool house and Edward finds them shortly after. They tell him they want to leave, but he tells them he's formally inviting them to the party and they MUST stay. He informs them that it's a hunting party and guess who will be prey for him and Martin? Yeah, those heads mounted on the wall suddenly make sense. They all run away into the pounding rain...

Part Three: The Party

They run into the woods and discuss what they should do. They're surprisingly calm for people who are being hunted like filthy animals. They shut their mouths when they spot crazy Edward staring down the barrel of a rifle that is pointed directly at them. How's your PARTY SUMMER! now, kids? They run, find themselves on the beach, and make their way back to the inn where Martin is probably waiting. They make it and call the police which is probably the most intelligent thing any of them have done so far. Cari hangs up the phone and spots Simon standing in the doorway of his office. Uh-oh.

Simon steps out and they're all shocked to see he's wearing a gimp suit. Just joking--he's dressed like a gay cowboy in a white suit and red bandanna. He's so ALIVE. He is perfectly calm and acts confused when they tell him what's going on. Cari says they have to stop Edward and Martin, but Simon says there's no need. Then he basically starts stripping and I laugh until it huuuuurrrrts. The funniest line of the book: "What is that he's pulling from his pants pocket? Cari wondered." Oh Cari, you don't wanna know! I knew this guy was a freak. Anyway, he transforms into...Edward. They WERE the same person. He starts cleaning his gun (not THAT gun) and tells them he's giving them an hour's head start before he comes after them. They stand there like they haven't got any brains so Edward blows a couple of holes in the wall to get them running. Yee haw!

They choose to hide in the passageway until the police come. Right. Cari freaks out when she gets caught in a spider web. "We're caught in Edward's sticky web." Gross! They reach a door that leads to a tiny room that has a phone. Of course it's dead and they remember that all calls have to go through a switchboard in Simon's office. Cari realizes that she wasn't talking to the police earlier; it was Simon. You're dead, kids. That's the price of starring in a Fear Street novel. They get out of the room and walk until they reach a closed door with light spilling beneath it. For some reason, there's a big hole in the floor and Eric falls in. SCORE! Craig and Cari manage to haul Eric's fat butt out and they all open the door. Jan and Rose are inside. Surprise. There's no interesting story here. Simon shoved them in and locked the door. And Jan confesses to leaving the "protoplasm" around and trying to scare everyone with the ghost story. So. Lame.

They go to the kitchen to feed Rose and Martin enters. He says he though he could control Simon, but things got out of hand. Martin has worked for the Fears for 30 years (what a waste of life) and knows all of Simon's issues which is why he warned the kids to leave. Other tidbits: the heads on the wall were wax and Simon used to be hot according to Rose, which is disgusting since they're related. Martin says Simon snapped after his wife Greta died in a hunting accident. Suddenly "Edward" bursts in looking the fucking Swamp Thing and screaming that Simon is dead because he had no taste for the hunt. Ok then. He ends up cracking Martin over the head with the barrel of the rifle and instead of helping him, everyone runs for the door which is locked.

What happens next ENRAGES ME BEYOND BELIEF. Cari stands in front of Simon, tells him to shoot her, and he does but she doesn't die because she's a ghost. She's a fucking GHOST. Why? WHY?!?! What is the point of this shit? I can't even talk about it. Damn you, and your pathetic TWISTS, Stine! A pox on your private no-no parts! May your balls shrivel like dead autumn leaves! May your Vienna sausage fall off and become scraps for angry feral alley cats! Anyway, Simon starts talking in the voice of his dead wife (yes, his OTHER other personality. This was the mysterious "woman" they heard earlier) Cari grabs the gun and Simon is Simon again. And he wants a sandwich. *sigh*

The next morning, as everyone is on the boat going home, we find that Cari isn't a ghost--Simon's rifle was loaded with blanks. Everyone screams "Party summer!" and Cari and Eric make out. Shoot me, Edward.

Conclusion? That ending fucking SUCKED. Even if the rest of the book had been some Pulitzer Prize winning shit (which it most certainly was NOT) the ending would've killed it. I hate you, Stine.

Next time: "Into the Dark" Blind girl + murder = instant classic (or instant pile of shit)