Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Party Summer

Book Description:

Cari Taylor and her three friends look forward to a "party summer" working at the Howling Wolf Inn, an old hotel on a tiny island off Cape Cod. But to their dismay, the hotel is completely deserted and someone warns them to leave immediately. The mysterious owner, Simon Fear III, allows Cari and her friends to stay, giving them the run of the hotel. The four teenagers are thrilled...until they realize they have been put up in the "haunted wing"...until Simon's weird and frightening brother appears...until they hear a woman screaming "No party--please, no party!"...until the walls and faucets begin to drip blood! When Simon Fear is murdered, Cari and her horrified friends want out. But they can't escape. They're trapped on the island. And THAT'S when the "party" begins...

My Description:

*After that epic description above, I'm not sure if I even have anything to add...*

Part One: Summer Plans

*sigh* After reading about Debra and her stupid spirit conjuring in the last Fear book I read (please God let me forget that tragedy) I hoped I wouldn't have to hear about anymore spirits anytime soon. Unfortunately, I'm saddened to report that this book begins with some doofus named Jan whose only hobby is conjuring up the spirits of the damned and depraved in her attic. This party summer is already tainted and I'm not even through the first chapter. Once again, you've churned out a winner, Stine! Which is precisely why I have to kill you and your merry band of ghostwriters. Ok, enough with the death threats. Back to the abomination at hand. Jan is up in the attic trying to ignore the sounds of the rain punding outside and the dog barking downstairs. She touches a pentagram she drew in chalk on the floor over and over until she thinks she feels a ghostly presence. There's a presence alright--the presence of her douchebag friends who were standing behind her the whole time and now can't stop laughing and making fun of her. I guess these are the skeptics of Shadyside. I always thought they were just a myth. Huh. Anyway, her three friends are Cari, Eric, and Craig. Craig stupidly proclaims he didn't know Jan was a witch. Yeah, Craig sucks...and so does Eric. The two trade jokes about Jan, only stopping when she starts to cry. Cari finally changes the subject and tells Jan that they're all allowed to go to Piney Island. Apparently Jan is going with her aunt Rose and invited the three stooges. Prepare for a long, painful summer, Jan. Enjoy!

In the next chapter, Aunt Rose and Jan come to fetch Cari for the trip. We get a drawn out description of how great Cari look because Stine has a hard on for blondes. Of course Cari thinks she's so hideous and pales in comparison to Jan, the buxom brunette. Secret: I've never used the word 'buxom' before and I hope it means what I think it means. As they all travel to pick up Eric and Craig, we get descriptions of the two who both sound like major dorks who think they're totally awesome. "Eric was short and thin. He wore an oversize yellow and red Hawiian T-shirt over Day-Glo orange baggies. His dark brown hair was pulled back into a short ponytail. He had a diamond stud in one ear and wore silver wire-rimmed glasses." He sounds like someone's middle-aged uncle who is trying desperately (and failing miserably) to be cool and down with the kids these days. *cringe* I bet he wears sandals with white tube socks. And Craig? "Craig was more casual than cool." Time out. Are they insinuating that ERIC is cool? I'm cooler than him and I'm the biggest nerd I know so I don't even know what that would make him. Moving on. "[Craig] kept his blonde-brown hair short and neatly parted on the side. He was always dressed nicely, very preppy, that day in khaki, cuffed cotton shorts and white tennis shirt, but Cari had the feeling that Craig never gave much thought to what he wore." And I get the feeling that if you always look like perfection, you probably put A LOT of thought into it so suck it, Cari.

The group finally heads off to Piney Island where they'll be staying at the Howling Wolf Inn. Everyone of them keeps screaming "Party summer!" at the top of their fucking lungs and Aunt Rose must have loads of patience because she doesn't toss them in a ditch like I would do. I'm sure she'll need a stiff drink later, though. Plus, I don't know why these idiots think the visit is gonna be such a party. First of all, Rose has told them repeatedly that the place is fairly deserted. Who are they gonna party with? Surely not each other...they're too lame. Second, we know from the back cover description that they end up WORKING at the inn for some creep that probably spends his time trolling elementary school playgrounds in his big dirty van. Party? Uh, NO. Anyway, since no normal adults are allowed to be around when bad things happen, Rose falls ill on the way. The drive to her sister's house. The woman was fine two seconds ago. Now she's suddenly got tumors exploding in her stomach? Of course Rose tells the sweet children to go on without her. She'll stay with her sister for a while and catch up to them later (see what I mean? No normal functioning adults on the island means the creepy freaks can harrass the kids without consequence.) They manage to catch the boat just in time. "Party summer!" SHUT UP! Seriously, they've said that like 500 times already and it makes me wanna strangle them all. My only consolation is that they'll be dead soon anyway.

Once they reach the island and step off the boat, the man who drove them over apologizes for the rocky ride. Craig actually says it was better than any ride at Six Flags. Right. They all stand around for a few minutes whining like babies about the fact that no-one came to pick them up at the dock and now they'll have to walk uphill to the inn. Eric screams "Party summer!" and that gets them going. Of course it does. I hope Eric dies first. They make it to the gate, find it locked, toy with the idea of sleeping on the beach like a bunch of hobos, and proclaim Craig a genius when he finds the latch and unlocks the gate. No comment. When the inn comes into view through the trees, they're all amazed at how beautiful it is and how very deserted it seems to be. That should be a red flag within itself--when no-one wants to be at such a gorgeous place, there's obviously a problem. They step up to the door where some crazy haired weirdo tells them the place is closed. Guess you'll be spending the night on the beach after all, kids. Cari decides that there must be ANOTHER Howling Wolf Inn on the island because that makes plenty of sense (not really) and Jan and Eric agree on a theory that is even dumber than Cari's: "Maybe he's building a monster down in his basement laboratory. He's about to bring it to life tonight and he doesn't need four teenagers interfering with his plans." The sad part is that Jan is totally serious about this. Just as Eric screams (because he's completely incapable of talking in a normal voice) "Welcome to Castle Frankenstein!" the front door opens and a Vincent Price look-a-like in a safari jacket steps out. He apologizes for his servant Martin's behavior and introduces himself as Simon Fear III. He explains that the phones are out so he sent Rose an overnight letter the day before to tell her the inn was closed for remodeling. Either Rose didn't receive it or she was too drunk to read it. Probably both. Simon invites them in for dinner and they take a look around. He explains that his workers left the inn in disarray because they left to work on a rich psychiatrist's house. Uh, don't they have to finish one job before they begin another? Oh well. This guy is a Fear. He could wreak some havoc on their asses if they don't return. Fear the Fears!
As they're eating barbeque chicken and salad, Simon informs them that his brother Edward is upstairs, but he's very depressed and won't come out when people are around. I'd say his problems are greater than mere depression. He's probably a poor deformed oddball that Simon keeps locked in the attic for "security purposes". Anyway, Simon rambles on about the repairs that still need to be done and Eric says he and Craig could help out. After all, they got A's in Woodshop! I think you all know what I think of this so I won't even comment. Martin agrees with me and says the work should be done by professionals and it isn't safe for two stupid boys. He adds that they should all leave, but he's just a lowly servant so Simon completely disregards his opinion. In fact, Simon seems downright adamant that there should be young people around which makes me believe that my big dirty van comment hit the nail on the head. Ew. He says they should stay and hang out by the pool which prompts another round of "Party summer!" Dammit.

After dinner, Martin shows the group to their rooms in the ominous OLD wing. I guess it's supposed to be creepy, but the only scary thing about it is the freaking mothball stench. Martin freaks them all out by saying there are strange things going on in this place and if they had any sense, they would leave tomorrow. Well, you're talking to a group of kids whose IQs are barely higher than a rock's so I guess you're stuck with them, Martin.

The next day, the gang is hanging out at the beach, roasting their bums in the sun. They take a break from tanning to make fun of Jan a little because they feel she's a real weirdo. At least she's somewhat interesting! That's more than I can say for the rest of you schmucks. They all admire the scenery and Eric wonders aloud when Gilligan and the Skipper are going to show up. For the record, those two were the most irritating human beings on that forsaken island. Now the Professor...THERE'S a man! While I think about my attraction to a man who's probably dead, Cari thinks about how cute she finds Eric. "It must be the great mood I'm in, she thought. I'm attracted to EVERYBODY today." Hmm. I'm sure Simon will be thrilled to hear that. He's probably got his high powered telescope out and is watching them frolicking in their skimpy shorts and swimsuits. Ok, I'm grossing myself out so let's move on. Jan finally gets fed up with Eric's silly bullshit so she goes back to the inn. Everyone else immediately forgets her and goes for a swim. Nice.

That night, they eat their dinner on the beach while watching the sunset. Such a Hallmark moment. Doesn't exactly make my crusty heart melt, but sweet nonetheless. Eric even apologizes to Jan for his jackassery. They have lobster, clam chowder, salad, and French bread, courtesy of the magical Martin. And they don't mention drinks. I guess they'll just slurp some saltwater. As they're eating, they notice Simon standing on a sand dune, watching them. See? He's a total creep! He's dressed like a pimp and is carrying a bottle of wine. Good ahead and get the kids drunk. Good one, Simon, you perverted freak. Simon joins the group and Cari immediately starts begging him to tell her stories about his family history. She lives on Fear Street and wants to know about the old burned out mansion located there. *sigh* I really HATE hearing about the Fear history. They're all a bunch of psychotic maniacs. The end. Anyway, Simon tells the story of his great-uncle whose name was also Simon. I'm not going to repeat the story because it's long, boring, and painfully predictable. The only interesting part of it is the part where Simon's children were found in the woods...without their bones! Mwahahaha! Jan suddenly takes a chill and says she's running back to the inn to get a sweatshirt. A few moments later, they hear her blood curdling scream. They all come running and Jan says she saw the ghost. No-one believes her of course so she gives a drawn out description of the ghostly lady to make herself seem more credible. But she kind of cancels out all credibility when she says the ghost has snowman eyes. What? Are those like Bette Davis eyes? "She had these eyes. They were big and black. They looked like lumps of coal. Like snowman eyes." Thanks for clearing that up, Jan. Too bad everyone thinks you're a lying kook.

Later, Cari has trouble falling asleep so she thinks about home and then Eric. What is his appeal? He's an annoying dork! "He was so cute. She didn't even mind the diamond stud in his ear which at first she had thought was a silly affectation." Puke. Then she starts thinking about the ghost and it's black lumpy eyes and decides she should go down to the kitchen for a drink of water to forget about it. Yeah, I'm sure nothing will happen. Only it does. She hears someone (something?) calling her name and runs away. She literally runs all over the inn, going down every hallway and taking every stair. Does that make any sense whatsoever? Didn't think so. She only stops when she hears a man and woman arguing in one of the rooms. Cari decides to help the situation by eavesdropping. *sigh* Where the hell did the ghost go? Oh well. Cari hears Simon say "Listen to me!" and the woman replies "Please, Simon, I'm begging you! Please--no party! No party! Please!" What kind of party is this sicko trying to throw that would make this woman so nuts? I don't even wanna know....this entire sequence is stoopid.

Part Two: The Invitation

Cari stands there staring at the door like she's suddenly been struck blind, deaf, and dumb. Finally she decides to go tell Jan about it. I'm sure Jan will enjoy being awakened for something so pointless. Once Cari gets to Jan's room, though, it's obvious Jan hasn't yet been to sleep. Cari explains everything and says they really have to get out of this place soon. Just figuring that out, eh? You kids are really very slow. The next scene is so ridiculous that I can't help but laugh. Cari and Jan walk to Cari's room where they discover some gooey crap on the doorknob. Jan says it's probably some sort of "protoplasmic substance" left by the ghost.

"Like in Ghostbusters?" Cari asked.
"Yes," Jan replied, bringing her shadowy face close to Cari's. "But this AIN'T NO MOVIE."

Seriously? Seriously?! They're acting like the fucking world is coming to an end because they found some jelly on a doorknob. And Jan? Cut the melodramatic bullshit. "But this AIN'T NO MOVIE." No, it's a shitty book that considers itself cool because it drops Ghostbuster references and quotes from Frankenstein. Bah!

The next morning over blueberry muffins, Cari and Jan inform the boys of what happened. As usual, no-one believes the story because it sounds like the idiotic crap that it is and as usual, Jan makes the situation worse by adding another convoluted theory to the mix: "The woman you heard in Simon's room HAS to be a ghost, too. Maybe she and Simon are lovers. Maybe they've been lovers for a hundred years. Maybe Simon is really a vampire and the woman..." This girl is on crack. First of all, I don't want to think about Simon making love to ANYTHING. Second, why in hell would he be a vampire? He's given no indication of it which brings me to my third point: shut the fuck up, Jan. There is no ghost and no vampire. All I see is a bunch of too-stupid-to-live kids and a couple of creepy perverted old men. Seriously, what is up with the vampire shit? Is this really the direction this is going? *sigh* Why ask?

Martin enters with a toolbox and tells them it's time to get to work. After a while, Jan, Craig and Eric take a break, but Cari says she wants to finish something first. She turns and spots a man who is presumably the mysterious Edward. Of course he's Simon's total opposite, a Jekyll and Hyde sort of thing (how I wish I was reading that rather than this). Simon is very put together and neat whereas Edward is sloppy and carries a rifle for no apparent reason. Uh, yeah. BANG! Anyway, we get more about Edward being sooooo depressed yet we're never given a reason. Then again, I suppose being locked away like a dirty little secret would make anyone sad. Just before he leaves, he tells Cari "I insist you stay for the party. Make no plans to leave." Does she even have a choice?

That night, Cari and Eric go for a romantic walk on the beach while I prepare to slit my wrists. Cari admires how cute he looks with his tan and cutoff shorts. What is it with Stine and denim cutoffs? Is that his outfit of choice on hot summer days? I just had a most disturbing vision of Stine in nothing but a pair of cutoffs, sitting in a plastic kiddie pool with a beer, yelling at his son to hose him and his big sweaty mole. *BARF* Moving on! The two start to make out, but cut it short when they hear something shuffling behind a boulder. This is a new low, Simon!

The next morning involves more blueberry muffins and plenty more work. These morons finally realize that they haven't attempted to contact Rose so Jan does so and gets no answer. A convenient "accident" in which Eric yanks off a bunch of wallpaper revealing a hidden door gets them all excited. Rose could be dead somewhere and they're worried about a stupid door that probably leads to absolutely nothing. I'm glad they have their priorities straight. Jan tells them to get away from the door because she can feel the EVIL, baby. It's positively radiating EVIL! Predictably, everyone laughs at her. Will she never learn her lesson? Eric opens the door, peeks inside at a "secret passageway", and everyone freaks out when a bat falps out and quickly exits through an open window. They decide to enter despite Jan's protests. Why does she go along if she has such bad feelings? Save your own ass, Jan. We get more terrible monster impersonations from Eric (this time, he's butchering my beloved Count Dracula. Lugosi is rolling in his grave as we speak.) Normally, I love finding horror movie references in books, but these shitty impersonations SUCK. They're not even accurate! Ok, so I'm being a giant nerd right now. But Eric needs to be muzzled. They go down into the passageway and find that it forks. They make a turn and walk until they hit another door. Inside is a small room that has a wooden table and benches in the center. On the table is a human skull that is covered in protoplasm (a.k.a. grape jelly) and Jan claims a ghost materialized her recently. Here we go again. They freak out and run all the way back up the tunnel until they reach the door they came though. Unfortunately, it won't open. Tee hee. They bang on the door, but no-one opens it so they decide to attempt to find another way out. This should be interesting. Or something. They walk through tunnel after tunnel before coming to the conclusion that they'll be trapped down here with the spiders and Eric's half assed impersonations forever! AHHHH! Oh never mind--they find a way out about 2.5 seconds after they start freaking out. A tunnel opens up to the beach for reasons I don't really understand. They trudge back to the inn and find that the scaffolding Eric had been working on earlier is shoved against the "secret" door. Someone deliberately trapped them. SHOCK! Not.

That night, dinner is chowder. I don't see how anyone could possibly eat, though, with Edward flashing his old man boobs (a.k.a. moobs) at everyone. "He was wearing the same safari jacket Cari had seen him in during their first encounter. It was open, revealing a pale yellow sport shirt underneath with two buttons missing." Cover that shit up! Simon is gone for the evening so I guess Edward was commanded to hang around and make everyone uncomfortable. He ignores everyone and leaves immediately after eating. I'm beginning to like him and his saggy moobies.

After eating, the gang plays Scrabble until Simon comes home. He supposedly went to visit Rose and says she's been at a spa. That's right, Rose, dump those kids and enjoy yourself. Simon says Rose is "as fit as a fiddle. I guess that expression really dates me." No, the fact that you're 150 years old dates you.

Later, when everyone has gone to bed, Jan chalks a pentagram on the floor of her room and gets her witch on. Or something...I don't know what the hell she's doing. "I am drawn to the supernatural because I can sense it all around me. I have spirit powers, she thought, rubbing the penacle, her hand throbbing with pain, with fire, with LIFE." Uh, ok, crazy lady. She feels the energy of a spirit in the room and suddenly there's a loud knock at the door. She opens it, freaks out, and the chapter ends there. Thanks for nothing, Stine.

The next morning, Jan doesn't come down for breakfast, but no-one seems to care. They eat and begin working. What are they working on exactly? It says they exhaust themselves working, but it's quite vague as to what they're actually doing. I guess it doesn't matter. It's not like they're getting paid or anything which is probably the strangest thing about this book. A group of teenagers wasting their summer doing repairs in a stuffy inn for absolutely NO money? I don't think so.

At lunch, they all realize that Jan STILL hasn't made an appearance and instead of going up to check on her, these dirtbags just assume she and Simon went to visit Rose or something. That alone should disturb them--no young girl should be left alone with Simon. He's a perverted weasel! A few hours later, Cari FINALLY goes to Jan's room and finds it empty. As usual, no-one cares. That evening at dinner, everyone suddenly develops a conscience and begins to worry about Jan. I find this to be unfreakingbelievable. If one of my friends suddenly went missing, I'd immediately be searching. These assholes just sit around not giving a damn, not even really acknowledging the fact that something could have happened to her. Grrr! Martin comes into the dining room and asks about Jan. Even the damn BUTLER who has only known her for a few days care more than they do! Cari says she thought Jan and Simon went to visit Rose, but Martin says Simon was elsewhere today and wouldn't have seen Jan. Eric claims the ghost must have gotten her which prompts all three of them to go upstairs and play Hardy Boys, searching Jan's room for "clues". They find nothing and begin searching throughout the inn and outside. No sign of Jan so they decide to go up to Simon's room and tell him she's missing. They freeze outside his door, listening to him, Edward, and a woman arguing. The woman starts blabbing about a party and then she and Simon scream at Edward to stop...then there's a gunshot. Edward is obviously sick of "Party summer!" and decided to do something about it. Viva la Edward!

The stupid children just stand there and a moment later, Edward stumbles out with his rifle and starts yelling that Simon has had a terrible "accident". Martin gallops up the stairs and completely freaks out because good old Ed just killed Simon. Ok, but what about the crazy broad who was in there with them? No-one has time to think about it because Edward has pointed the gun at Martin. Martin manages to calm Ed and the two go downstairs. The teens sneak into the room where Simon was killed and find...absolutely nothing. No corpse, no blood or gore, and no kooky lady. So they decide to look at old photos instead. Are you kidding me? What the hell, man? They find a picture of Rose and Simon that Simon has labeled "My distant cousin Rose. I wish we weren't so distant." I'm not quite sure how to interpret that. Anyway, this means that Jan is related to the Fears as well which explains a lot. Eric believes that Rose set this whole thing up. WHY? He doesn't explain that theory, but he does go on to say that he thinks Edward slid Simon's body through a trapdoor in the room to hide it. *sigh* I think Simon and Edward are the same person. They've never been seen together at the same time and they both have a fondness for safari jackets and dumbass teenagers. Eric actually finds the trapdoor. How very (in)convenient. I think this is the moment in which this book (which is pretty awful to begin with) takes a turn for the worst. Meaning it's about to get hella convoluted. They don't find a body, but they do find a strange letter.

Dear Rose,

I am so sorry to tell you that I fear a terrible tragedy has occurred. Your niece Jan and her three friends have disappeared without a trace, without an explanation. I have been frantic, wracked with sadness, with fear, with remorse. The police from Willow Island have combed every inch of the island without success. Without a single clue. I've been trying to call you night and day. You didn't answer your phone. So I am sending this letter special delivery. So sorry to send such tragic news by mail. I am saddened and mystified. I pray that the four young people turn up unharmed. But the police offer little hope. I know their parents will grieve as I do. Rest assured that I am doing everything in my power to discover what has happened to them. I will not stop until the mystery of their disappearance is solved. I pray they are alive although all indications are that they tragically are not. I know you will pray with me.

Edward Fear

Why did he ramble on when he could've gotten straight to the point?

The kids are missing. They're probably dead. Call me--555-FEAR.

Butterflies & unicorns,

They all freak out and immediately begin packing in the hopes that they can sneak out to Simon's boat and get the hell out of dodge. Luckily Craig is not only a handyman; he's a sailor also so he can "pilot the boat". Another handy dandy coincidence. Instead of leaving ASAP, they decide to find a phone and call the police. Just GO! Call the cops AFTER you're out of the inn, you idiots! They come upon a room that is full of hunting trophies. Oh and human heads. Just another day in the life...

After they see the heads (I hope they're actually real and not just plaster or plastic. Stine is such a wimp about these things) they flee. Screw the phone! They're almost to the dock when Cari stops and says they should take the canoes that are tied behind the inn. Ok, dumbass, why didn't you mention that five minutes ago before everyone started hauling ass in the opposite direction? I hate this chick. She's a moron, Eric is annoying, and Craig is a piece of cardboard who thinks he's king of the world because he can hammer a nail. So why did the least irritating member of the group have to go missing? Anyway, they go back and the damn canoes are missing. Great. And now it's raining. God obviously hates them as much as I do. They take shelter in the pool house and Edward finds them shortly after. They tell him they want to leave, but he tells them he's formally inviting them to the party and they MUST stay. He informs them that it's a hunting party and guess who will be prey for him and Martin? Yeah, those heads mounted on the wall suddenly make sense. They all run away into the pounding rain...

Part Three: The Party

They run into the woods and discuss what they should do. They're surprisingly calm for people who are being hunted like filthy animals. They shut their mouths when they spot crazy Edward staring down the barrel of a rifle that is pointed directly at them. How's your PARTY SUMMER! now, kids? They run, find themselves on the beach, and make their way back to the inn where Martin is probably waiting. They make it and call the police which is probably the most intelligent thing any of them have done so far. Cari hangs up the phone and spots Simon standing in the doorway of his office. Uh-oh.

Simon steps out and they're all shocked to see he's wearing a gimp suit. Just joking--he's dressed like a gay cowboy in a white suit and red bandanna. He's so ALIVE. He is perfectly calm and acts confused when they tell him what's going on. Cari says they have to stop Edward and Martin, but Simon says there's no need. Then he basically starts stripping and I laugh until it huuuuurrrrts. The funniest line of the book: "What is that he's pulling from his pants pocket? Cari wondered." Oh Cari, you don't wanna know! I knew this guy was a freak. Anyway, he transforms into...Edward. They WERE the same person. He starts cleaning his gun (not THAT gun) and tells them he's giving them an hour's head start before he comes after them. They stand there like they haven't got any brains so Edward blows a couple of holes in the wall to get them running. Yee haw!

They choose to hide in the passageway until the police come. Right. Cari freaks out when she gets caught in a spider web. "We're caught in Edward's sticky web." Gross! They reach a door that leads to a tiny room that has a phone. Of course it's dead and they remember that all calls have to go through a switchboard in Simon's office. Cari realizes that she wasn't talking to the police earlier; it was Simon. You're dead, kids. That's the price of starring in a Fear Street novel. They get out of the room and walk until they reach a closed door with light spilling beneath it. For some reason, there's a big hole in the floor and Eric falls in. SCORE! Craig and Cari manage to haul Eric's fat butt out and they all open the door. Jan and Rose are inside. Surprise. There's no interesting story here. Simon shoved them in and locked the door. And Jan confesses to leaving the "protoplasm" around and trying to scare everyone with the ghost story. So. Lame.

They go to the kitchen to feed Rose and Martin enters. He says he though he could control Simon, but things got out of hand. Martin has worked for the Fears for 30 years (what a waste of life) and knows all of Simon's issues which is why he warned the kids to leave. Other tidbits: the heads on the wall were wax and Simon used to be hot according to Rose, which is disgusting since they're related. Martin says Simon snapped after his wife Greta died in a hunting accident. Suddenly "Edward" bursts in looking the fucking Swamp Thing and screaming that Simon is dead because he had no taste for the hunt. Ok then. He ends up cracking Martin over the head with the barrel of the rifle and instead of helping him, everyone runs for the door which is locked.

What happens next ENRAGES ME BEYOND BELIEF. Cari stands in front of Simon, tells him to shoot her, and he does but she doesn't die because she's a ghost. She's a fucking GHOST. Why? WHY?!?! What is the point of this shit? I can't even talk about it. Damn you, and your pathetic TWISTS, Stine! A pox on your private no-no parts! May your balls shrivel like dead autumn leaves! May your Vienna sausage fall off and become scraps for angry feral alley cats! Anyway, Simon starts talking in the voice of his dead wife (yes, his OTHER other personality. This was the mysterious "woman" they heard earlier) Cari grabs the gun and Simon is Simon again. And he wants a sandwich. *sigh*

The next morning, as everyone is on the boat going home, we find that Cari isn't a ghost--Simon's rifle was loaded with blanks. Everyone screams "Party summer!" and Cari and Eric make out. Shoot me, Edward.

Conclusion? That ending fucking SUCKED. Even if the rest of the book had been some Pulitzer Prize winning shit (which it most certainly was NOT) the ending would've killed it. I hate you, Stine.

Next time: "Into the Dark" Blind girl + murder = instant classic (or instant pile of shit)

Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns (Goosebumps #48)

PUMPKIN POWER! Nothing beats Halloween. It's Drew Brockman's favorite holiday. And this year will be awesome. Much better ...