Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Cheerleaders: The New Evil

* I am simultaneously disgusted and amazed by this cover. I mean, the cover artist should obviously be shot, but I kind of love it. I know--I have mental problems. But come on! Santa Claus is about to bitch slap a cheerleader! And he's on ice skates! It's awesome! *

Book Description:

Corky and the Shadyside cheerleaders are sure that the evil spirit is destroyed. The terror is over. Then Hannah is mysteriously thrown through the car window. And Naomi is nearly burned to death. One horrifying accident after another. And now Corky can no longer keep her greatest fear to herself--the evil is back! But where is it? Corky, Kimmy, and Debra aren't waiting to find out. They have a plan to draw the evil out. Draw it out and destroy it for good. Unless, of course, the evil destroys them first...

My Description:

God, this book is gonna suck...

Part One - Party Time

We begin this book with *gulp* a cheer. Yeah, it's crap:

HOOP--there it is!
HOOP--there it is!

LAMMMMMMEEEE as hell! *sigh* Dammit, Stine, I hate you. I want Santa now! Corky, Hannah, and my lesbian lover Kimmy Bass are cheering in the snow covered student parking lot until they decide to have a snowball fight. Then they stop throwing yellow snow to do the same cheer again. Then they throw more snow. What the hell? This is like a broken record. Just get in the fucking car and go home, morons! We don't need paragraph after paragraph of you three prancing around like demented leprechauns on acid and throwing snow in each other's faces. Snow, by the way, that is probably coated in cat pee. Where were we? Oh yeah, those HORRIBLE AWFUL SICKENING cheers.

Where are we putting it?
Where are we keeping it?
Slam it, Tigers, slam it!

Dear sweet merciful GAWD. The first four lines of that sounds like something a group of drunken frat boys would sing to their date rape victims. Anyway, these idiots finally realize that it's colder than a witch's tit so they get into Kimmy's car to leave. During the drive, they talk about the newest cheerleader, Naomi Klein. Naomi replaced Ronnie Mitchell who had the good sense to get the hell out of Shadyside. Take me with you! Miss Green has also been replaced with Ms. Closter because she couldn't stop touching the cheerleaders in their danger zones. Only joking, Miss Green. I know you only LOOKED, never touched! Corky starts thinking about her new boyfriend Alex who is a total slut. "Alex was one of the most popular guys at Shadyside High. TOO popular, Corky told herself. On Saturday, she had seen him at the mall kidding around with Deena Martinson. The week before Kimmy had reported seeing Alex's car parked in Janie Simpson's driveway." Of course Corky completely ignores the fact that her boyfriend is a dirty tramp because he's oh-so-pretty! And smart! And good at basketball! *sigh* I'm drowning in the stupidity. Suddenly Kimmy's car spins out of control, she crashes into a tree, and Hannah is slammed through the windshield. Ouch.

The next chapter is titled "The Evil Is Back" and I think in every Cheerleader book there is a chapter with the same title. Points for originality! The girls are at the hospital. Kimmy and Corky are in the waiting room, holding out for news about Hannah. Kimmy says "The evil is back." because she would rather blame the EVIL! for busting Hannah's head instead of her shitty driving skills. Corky says no way, but Kimmy insists she felt it. Corky says the brakes simply failed and Kimmy just needs to shut the hell up. Yay! The next few paragraphs are basically a summary of the first Cheerleader book to prove that the ghostwriter did indeed read the previous books. Kimmy says Debra says the evil will return, but Corky scoffs because she knows (as we all do) that Debra is a paranoid loon: "Debra has always been weird. A few days after I met her, I found her trying to cast a sleeping spell on her dog." I assume that's supposed to be funny. *crickets* A few minutes later, Hannah's parents enter and the girls ask how Hannah is. Mom starts crying and the chapter ends there. Ok then.

The next chapter begins with a cheer and NO I'm not going there! It's two days after the accident and cheerleading practice is in full swing. Hannah is still in the hospital. She needed a lot of stitches in her face, broke her collarbone, and had some internal bleeding. Nice one, Kimmy. Speaking of Kimmy, the insensitive bitch can talk of nothing but the Holiday Tournament and who they're gonna get to replace Hannah. They begin the cheer again and Corky looks over, noticing the basketball team practicing on the other side of the gym. She spots her favorite asshole, Alex, and wonders why he isn't looking at her. Uh, because he's obviously busy? Corky fakes a leg cramp so she can go talk to Alex. She asks him if they can take a drive after practice to the river and he agrees.

Alex and Corky meet after practice and drive to the stinking river, home of Shadyside's EVIL! Corky feels better when she sees that the river is totally frozen and the evil can't escape. If the evil is so powerful, I don't understand how a sheet of ice could hold it back. But then again, I live in the real world so what do I know? Anyway, Corky flips out when she sees a hole in the ice and the evil vapor rising out of it. Oh that crazy evil. I knew it would find a way! She tells Alex they have to leave NOW. Oooo...

That night, as Corky is lying awake in bed thinking about the dark pit that her life has become, she spots that damned vapor floating across the room. She's scared, but she can't move and the mist flows over her...yeah, this is a dream sequence. Grrr! Her parents wake her from the nightmare and her dad says "That was a bad one. You haven't screamed like that in a long time." Helpful! So comforting! And slightly skeevy...

It's now Friday night and Corky and friends are gathered at Pete's Pizza (where else?) Alex is pissed at himself for missing a crucial shot at the basketball game earlier. I'm glad you're finally coming to terms with how much you suck, Alex. Jay convinces Alex that they didn't do THAT badly (keep telling yourself that...) and Alex seems to cheer up real quick. Corky realizes that he isn't even paying attention to anyone at the table. He's staring over her shoulder with a goofy ass smile on his face--Deena Martinson (star of the craptacular The Wrong Number) has entered and is flashing her pearly whites at Alex. Corky is pissed, but not pissed enough. She calls him out on it, but he just laughs and says "What's your problem, Corky?" I think it's pretty freaking obvious, dumbass! Corky is also a major dumbass, pretending that her boyfriend wasn't just staring at another girl's badonkadonk and changing the subject to basketball. And check this shit out: "[Corky] joined in the laughter. But didn't feel like laughing. Alex had stopped smiling at Deena, but now he avoided Corky, too. Is something going on between them? Corky wondered. Why do I suddenly have such a bad feeling about Alex? About the tournament? About everything?" Are you kidding me? Because you're sure as hell kidding yourself. Someone tell me, was Corky such a deluded MORON in the other Cheerleader books? Because I don't recall her being this dense. Anyway, I assume we're being led to believe, due to Corky's "bad feelings", that the evil is inhabiting Alex. Yeah, I'd buy that...if he wasn't an evil little shit to begin with.

Over the weekend, Corky wrings her hands over Alex. He broke a date on Saturday night and Corky knows he was lying because his excuse sucked: he had to watch his little sister. Does he even HAVE a little sister? God, you're stupid, Corky! She stays home and plays Mortal Kombat with her brother Sean, the master of the known universe. Sunday afternoon, she goes to Debra's house where she comes upon Debra and Kimmy making sweet love by the fire to the sounds of Barry White. Just kidding--they're conjuring up spirits! Yawn. Corky unloads her problems with Alex on Kimmy because everyone hates Kimmy and Corky is no different. Then Debra says the power will be stronger with all three of them chanting. I hate Debra and her psuedo voodoo queen, fake witchy poo bullshit. She's not even good at it! Corky asks where Debra got the book she's chanting from and Kimmy says it's from a used book shop. Yeah, because all used bookstores carry ancient spell books. *sigh* Corky uses this opportunity to tell them about the hole of ice and Debra says the evil must have gotten into one of them because they were in the car when Kimmy crashed. Pay attention, you stupid ghostwriter! Corky didn't discover the ice hole until AFTER the crash and she was with ALEX when she saw it and spotted THE EVIL VAPOR! rising out of it. And since you've been leaving little hints here and there that Alex has gone crazy, we can safely assume that HE is possessed by the evil. "Good work, Sherlock." Fucking elementary, my dear Watson. Anyway, they chant and the walls start rattling. Instead of blaming it on an earthquake, they excitedly exclaim that the spirit is here. Do these morons think for even a moment that they could've conjured something that is incredibly pissed off and wants to kill them? Guess not. Debra calls to the spirit, but apparently it's as repulsed by her as everyone else is because it immediately disappears.

Now it's time for more cheers!

Tigers claw!
Tigers ROAR!
Send the ball down the floor
Two points more!

The PAIN! Why do I torture myself? Anyway, Corky and Kimmy are watching the girls who are trying out to replace Hannah. They've narrowed it down to three: Ivy Blake, Lauren Wilson, and Rochelle Drexler. Corky and Kimmy squat in Ms. Closter's office to discuss their decision. As soon as they leave the room, the EVIL strikes in the form of a screwdriver. A screwdriver lodged in Rochelle's neck. I'm no doctor, kids, but I think your little friend is dead. The girls don't think so even though Rochelle's blood is spurting everywhere, coating the walls. Ms. Closter shows her stupidity by running over and saying "So much blood! Did she fall?" Yes...after she was jabbed in the jugular by that damned screwdriver. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with these people? The girl is dying, but no-one seems to sense the urgency of the situation. Corky thinks Ivy was responsible because Ivy looks a little strange: "No. Not a smile. Ivy wasn't smiling--was she?" At this point, WHO CARES?!? Paramedics arrive and haul Rochelle's still breathing body to the hospital. Meanwhile, Corky is sobbing in Closter's office. But not for Rochelle. I mean, who cares about her, right? She's remembering how Bobbi bit the dust in the locker room blah blah EVIL! blah. Closter tells the girls they can leave and Ivy has the audacity to ask Corky who got the position. The girl has brass ones. Kimmy and Corky are horrified that Ivy could be so cold, but inform her that she got it. Lauren flips out and screams "I know why you didn't choose me. I know why. It's because of Alex and me!" *groan* Only 54 pages in and this ship is already sinking/ It's like the writer has completely lost ideas and is just throwing out things that MIGHT keep us interested. I don't give a damn about Alex's cheating ways. I'm only reading this turd for the psychotic Santa. Only he can save us now!

Of course when anything bad happens, Corky runs to Debra. Again I ask WHY? She can do nothing but tell you the obvious--the evil wants your asses on a platter. See? I just saved you 100 pages of bullshit. So why do I still have 100 pages left? Never mind. Anyway, it's the following afternoon and since school is out, Corky is wasting her time at home with Deb. Corky mentions what Lauren said about Alex and I swear if this idiot does not break up with him, I am using this book as toilet paper. Hell, I'll probably do that anyway. But Alex sucks! Corky blurts out that she called Alex 12 times and as soon as the phone rings, she dives for it. 12 times?!? It's him and Corky cuts right to the chase. He says he helped Lauren with a project at her house last week, but that was it. Liar! Corky asks if he'd like to come over and study later, but he says he can't. This chick is completely braindead. She's ignoring the fact that her boy toy is a total slut and liar instead of calling that bitch out on his crimes! I used to like all I have is Kimmy. *sigh* How the mighty have fallen. When Corky returns to the living room, she's surprised to find Naomi talking with Debra. She has news--Lauren will be an alternate in case the EVIL decides to lay the smack down on anyone else. And with any luck, it will.

Thursday night cheer practice.

A tisket, a tasket,
We want a BASKET!

Shut. Up. The next day is the tournament and the girls will be firing "cannons" loaded with confetti into the audience. Ms. Closter wants to test them tonight. Since this chapter is titled "BOOM" I get the feeling that this ain't going as planned. Say goodbye to your head, Kimmy! Sadly, the cannon thing is a total disappointment--the blast snaps Heather's head back, she falls, and she's ok. Zzzzz.

After practice, Kimmy and Debra catch up to Corky in the parking lot because they're worried about the fact that Ivy smiled when the cannon backfired. Seriously. Maybe she's just one of those types that thinks it's funny when people get hurt. Corky refuses to believe that the EVIL is in Ivy or that the EVIL is back at all. Uh, WHAT? You saw it, dumbass! You're not Corky. You're a pod person created by a mentally deranged ghostwriter who can't keep even simple plot points straight. Corky starts crying and says she doesn't wanna face the EVIL because it's too scary. Debra comforts her by saying she (Corky) could be next. Gee, thanks.

When Corky gets home, she finds Alex wrestling with her brother. Don't worry--they're still dressed. When Sean sees Corky come in, he says "Guess you two want me to leave. So you can go smoochy smoochy." Oh Sean. Please don't leave me alone with these two! Corky asks Alex why he came over and he says because he's excited about the tournament tomorrow. He also says he needs to tell her something, but before he can, the doorbell rings. It's Jay and Corky really doesn't want him here because she wants Alex to keep talking. Or something.

And now it's time for the tournament. Yee-haw, Tigers! Someone kill me. The cheerleaders are doing their thing perfectly until they bring out the fire batons and Naomi catches fire. It's always something!

The next morning, Kimmy, Corky, and Debra are walking through Shadyside Park. We find out that Kimmy put out Naomi's fire while everyone else stood around like trees. Naomi was pretty badly burned anyway. Sad. This makes Kimmy believe even more that the EVIL is in Ivy. Suddenly they spot Ivy and Lauren beside the frozen river. Ivy is skating in some weird pattern because the acid just kicked in and Lauren is just watching because she was too afraid to take a hit. The girls realize that Ivy is skating around a hole...and the EVIL is rising out. NOOOO! So it's settled--Ivy is evil and Debra wants to drown her. Wow.

YAY! The next chapter is titled "A Surprise From Santa". Finally! This better be good. Corky is calling Alex to ask him to a ice skating party at the river. Tee hee. She says it's tomorrow afternoon and although he thinks it's a weird idea, he agrees to go. They hang up and Corky thinks about how awesome the party will be for everyone except Ivy. The party sucks as much as we all thought it would. Corky gets on the ice and becomes dizzy. She looks up and sees my best friend Santa coming toward her on skates. "The wind ruffled his bushy white beard. His red cap waved behind him. His eyes--his eyes glowered menacingly at Corky." Ok, that's kind of awesome. He's holding a big pointy icicle and Corky freaks out because she's afraid he'll stab her. But sadly (oh so SADLY!) it's stupid Alex. Don't tell me that's it!! There must be more Santa! Damn! He just wanted to make Corky laugh. You still suck, Alex. You sicken me! Debra, Corky, and Kimmy decide it's time to put their plan into action. It involves the usual--candles in a circle, the mystical spell book, and chanting. They hear rumbling, the ice starts cracking, and thick black smoke comes pouring out. The girls realize that the EVIL wasn't in Ivy after all and they've just unleashed it. What the hell?

Part Two - Game Time

The girls have traveled to a nearby town for the tournament which I could've sworn already took place. They're staying in a shitty motel called Cliffside Inn. Everyone is in a good mood despite the fact that they recently unleashed an unholy EVIL upon their town. It's time for a game and the cheers are as bad as ever. The girls are scoping out the opposing team's cheerleaders. The basketball team plays for a while and then we get more cheers. *sigh* Finally, the Tigers win the game and as the girls are about to set off their cannons, they see black tar spewing out of them. People are getting splashed with the foul smelling crap. The EVIL spoils everything, kids.

Afterward, in the locker room, Corky, Kimmy, and Debra discuss who the EVIL is inhabiting. And that night, Corky dreams a little dream about some evil crap that really has no significance whatsoever. She wakes up an hears a tapping noise. It's Alex smacking at the window. Grrr. It's freezing and this idiot wants her to take a walk with him and since she's got the fever, she does. He's pumped up because he knows the Tigers would've won the game if the evil black tar hadn't interfered. I thought they DID win? Guess not. This book is unnecessarily confusing. What happens next is so frigging stupid that I really can't believe it. Corky works up the courage to ask Alex why he's been acting so weird lately and he says it's because he got a tutor. SO?!? What does that have to do with him hanging out with all those girls? Once again, Corky, you are an idiot for believing this shit. They make out and Corky breaks away, spotting Jay who is being a little pervert, watching them from the shadows. "As Corky gazed back at him, she saw Jay's eyes glow red, an angry, evil red. Animal eyes. Inhuman eyes." So Jay is a wolf boy. Great. I'm more upset about the fact that the cover of this book is such a lie! *sob*

The next morning, everyone goes to the arena to finish the game. Jay ignores Corky and she gets upset and I couldn't care less. The game is about to start when Jay completely flips out on the coach for pushing him too hard. He starts throwing things and runs away. He must be on his period. Just lie back and think of England, Jay. It'll all be over soon. After that little episode, the head cheerleader of the opposing squad can't stop doing back flips. The other cheerleaders pin her down while she screams her head off. I really don't even know what to say anymore. This crap is comically bad. Oh, and Ivy is smiling while all this is going on and since no-one is allowed to be happy, that means she's evil. The Tigers end up winning the game and afterwards, Corky finds the basketball coach's corpse. Someone filled his body with all the water from the cooler or something and he drowned and his body is all bloated and such and I hate this book so much that I'm physical pain.

Later, they begin their next game even though their coach was just murdered. No comment. That night, Kimmy, Corky, and Debra decide they'll call their parents early tomorrow to come get the, if they survive the night. Corky wakes up halfway through the night and spots Ivy (who they're sharing a room with. Uh-oh!) putting on her clothes. She climbs out the window. When she's gone, Corky and Kimmy sneak out to follow her. They spot her talking to Heather and Lauren and the entire basketball team. I have no clue why these people are standing around the parking lot at night in the freezing cold. Oh yeah--they're morons. Debra joins the girls and they all follow far behind the group. The group stops at a frozen lake in the woods and they all start dancing on the ice because they're all possessed by the EVIL. Yes, ALL of them. A dog jumps on the ice, snarling, and growling. Jay calmly picks it up and tosses it across the lake where it gets up and walks away. Yeah, I doubt that. Also, could you get any more random? Stine can't resist a little animal abuse. Bastard. Where was I? Oh, Corky freaks out because she thinks they've been spotted.

Part Three - Good-Bye Time

Yes, please say good-bye before I murder you all myself. The group on the ice turns toward the girls and they all begin howling like rabid dogs. The girls run and manage to get split up in a matter of seconds. Corky gets caught by Alex who pretends that he isn't a howling maniac and says she should come to the lake. She gets away and flees again, searching for Kimmy or Debra. It is a sad day indeed, my friends, for our beloved crinkly haired, red faced Kimmy Bass is dead. SOB! She was drowned by those howling freaks. WHYYYYYY?! Corky hides when she hears some of the howlers calling to her. Finally the woods grow quiet. She runs back to the motel and spots the crazy ones boarding the bus to go to the next game like nothing just happened. Then the driver gets off and goes into the motel office. Corky sees her chance to get revenge on the howlers. The driver is seperated from the kids by a partition so the group doesn't know it's Corky when she gets behind the wheel and drives away. Go Corky! She drives to a cliff and jumps out just as the bus rolls right over it. I'm speechless. Corky just killed a busload of her friends in the name of Kimmy Bass. SHOCK!

Corky is relieved that she has drowned the evil, but sad because her friends are gone. She stumbles to the arena to tell Ms. Closter that everyone is in a watery grave, but gets the shock of her life when she sees the team and the cheerleaders she just killed filing into the gym. WHAT? Their bodies are swollen and waterlogged and as they begin stumbling toward her, she passes out.

Corky wakes up in the hospital with her parents on the way and a nurse hovering over her. She has a concussion and surprise! Her friends are in the hospital, too! Corky is terrified that they'll come for her. She decides to escape as soon as possible as soon as the nurse leaves. She runs out of the room and right into Debra. She freaks out and runs down the hall. She finds Alex sleeping, kisses him ("I'm kissing a dead boy."), and he wakes up. He says it was all so horrible, everyone thought they were going to drown. Corky is relieved that only the EVIL died and not her friends. Besides Kimmy. SOB! The last line of the book? "Merry Christmas to us all. Now when can we go home?" *sigh* Shut up, Corky.

Conclusion? This was as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe worse. I mean, there wasn't even a psychotic Santa to ease the pain all the stupidity caused! And Kimmy! Oh my Kimmy! *sobbity sob sob*

Next time: I don't know. I'm in mourning and can't be expected to think about such things. *cough*It's gonna be "Party Summer"*cough*

Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns (Goosebumps #48)

PUMPKIN POWER! Nothing beats Halloween. It's Drew Brockman's favorite holiday. And this year will be awesome. Much better ...